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Name
gaye
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
As-Salamu`alykum, some people say that if a child is molested when young it doesn't affect him/her long-term. Is this true?
Answer
Wa`alykum As-Salaamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuh.
Dr. Layla answers:
The degree to which an individual is affected by molestation varies from one experience to another and from one individual to another. Some people can go on for years without feeling that they have been significantly impacted by sexual abuse, yet others can be paralyzed and suffer miserable consequences.
What is known about the effects of abuse:
- The closer the sexual abuser is to an individual the more damaging it is.
- The younger the individual is when the abuse occurred the more severe the effects tend to be.
- The number of times an individual has been perpetrated against such that the more that this happens the more damage results.
- Whether or not an individual is believed or not is a great indicator of how much one suffers. Some say that not being believed is more damaging than the abuse itself.
These are a few indicators, though there are many such as the degree of violence or penetration and other variables like that.
I hope that this answers your question.
Altaf Husain answers:
Thank you so much for this question. Nothing could be farther from the truth. While it is true that some children are able to "survive" molestation in that they do not suffer from long-term psychological and emotional damage, there is growing evidence that trauma from abuse affects all the victims although perhaps not to the same degree.
Younger children might not be able to articulate their feelings of shame, guilt and anger as clearly or even willingly, but this does not mean that they have not been affected both in the short-term and the long-term.
Research reported on The Centers for Disease Control website indicates that "sexual violence victimization starts very early in life. More than half of all rapes of women (54%) occur before age 18; 22% of these rapes occur before age 12. For men, 75% of all rapes occur before age 18, and 48% occur before age 12 (Tjaden and Thoennes 2000). Young women are at higher risk of being raped than older women (Acierno et al. 1999)."
Name
hany
- Egypt
Profession
Question
As-Salamu`alaykum, there is a lot of sexual abuse happening in the Muslim world but it's kept hushed up, which means the victim is not treated psychologically. I personally know a lot of people who suffer because of this problem. What do you suggest?
Answer
Wa`alykum As-Salaamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuh.
Altaf Husain answers:
Thank you for this question. One of the greatest challenges in addressing sexual abuse in the Muslim community and many other communities for that matter is the strong sense of denial that exists. No community wants to admit that there are members who are predators, who literally prey on innocent, very young boys and girls. It is a tragedy indeed that there are men and women who are suffering from a deteriorated relationship with Almighty Allah and who have surrendered to their lower desires. So rather than confront these pedophiles and acknowledge that a problem of this severity exists, people would rather prefer to deny it, not talk about it out of fear of shaming either the victim or the predator.
Slowly there are more efforts within our community to educate both children and adults about sexual abuse and about the devastating short-term and long-term impact of such abuse on the victims and in fact on everyone else with whom the victim comes into contact. More efforts are also being aimed at helping victims of abuse to come forward and to process their feelings of shame, guilt, anger, and outright hatred for what has happened to them. Lastly, there are steps being taken to help the abusers themselves so that they can acknowledge their sins, commit to stop the abuse, and repent to Allah Almighty.
We suggest that if you know people who have been abused, then do not judge them or their circumstances rather help them to locate professional counselors who have specialized in helping victims of sexual abuse. Make lots of du'a' to Allah to grant these victims healing and to facilitate for them a path to full recovery. Make du'a' to Allah to protect all children from abuse. Amen.
Dr. Layla answers:
Dear brother Hany,
I would agree with you that sexual abuse is happening in our Muslim world and it is not acknowledged. Whether Muslims like to hear it or not, this does happen among "us" and it leads to devastating consequences.
Individuals are especially reluctant to disclose what has happened to them out of fear and shame. Our Muslim/Arab societies barely understand the crime of rape, such that sexual abuse is not even on their radar so to speak.
As for what I suggest, I cannot encourage everyone who has been sexually abused to disclose it, as this might very well result in a significant increase in the suffering if and when the community rejects the person and their experience. I think that the solution sits with the media, infomercials or other forms of public service announcements. As for on an individual level, I encourage people to find support with safe family and friends and if at all possible to obtain some counseling to help resolve the pain.
Name
xyz
- India
Profession
-
Question
As-Salamu`alaykum, I would like to ask whether a female child that is 8 years old or so is abused sexually by her maternal uncle, and doesn’t know whether she is still a virgin or not, is lawful to marry a respected Muslim, because that girl is now married to a religious person alhmdulillah but is suffering from guilt ,will she be entering paradise then? Until now she did not confess this to anyone, and I don’t think she should confess to her husband. Kindly help a sister in distress!
Allah bless you.
Answer
Wa`alykum As-Salaamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuh.
Dr. Layla answers:
This girl who was abused at 8 years old by her uncle, is innocent. Whether or not she is a virgin or not, she is worthy of marrying whomever she pleases. Virginity is more than a piece of skin, it is about chastity and this girl bears no responsibility for her uncle's crime. While I am not Allah, I could not tell you whether she would enter paradise or not as surely she is a person with good and bad deeds, though this molestation is not her bad deed. In terms of whether or not she should confess this to anyone, I think that she should assess the degree to which she would be helped by her husband knowing and also whether it is “safe” to tell.
Altaf Husain answers:
Thank you for your question. We recommend highly that you also follow-up with the Islamic scholars via the Islam Online Fatwa Section or via regularly scheduled Live Fatwa sessions. You will have to specify the nature of the abuse to the scholars and they can help to determine the virginity of this young girl based on a number of factors they will take into account.
We can address the question as to whether she should "confess" to her husband about her past. No and no. She should not "confess" because there is nothing to confess as she is not the one who is guilty of any sin. Rather she was the innocent young girl whose chastity was violated by the brother of her mother. And she should not tell her husband that she was abused because there is no way to predict how her husband will handle news of her past. Some spouses are able to compartmentalize their feelings and move on with their lives once they find out something adverse or painful about their partner's past - but this is the exception rather than the rule. Almighty Allah has kept private her past and she should not now intentionally make it public by talking about it with her husband.
She should however seek counseling so that she can process feelings associated with the abuse. With enough du'a' to Allah and with the help of the counselor, she will find that her marital relationship will also be enhanced because she will actually be dealing with her abusive past rather than holding all of those feelings inside.
Also, to the extent possible, she should report her uncle's behavior to her parents and be ready to stand by her words. If they do not believe her, she should leave it. However, more likely than not, they will believe her and insha'allah they should be the ones that get help for him so that he never violates another precious child again. And Allah knows best.
Name
Nasim
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
I was sexually abused by a cleric in a mosque from the age of 7. When, as an adult, I confronted my mother about the abuse, she said she was sorry it happened. However, I didn't really resolve my conflict over what I perceived as her and the community's complicity over the entire thing. My parents are no longer of this world and have been left to resolve a lot of the issues from my childhood on my own. I feel betrayed on a number of levels. What hurts the most is the sense of denial that Muslims like to propagate on issues such as sexual abuse. Why do Muslims think that sexual abuse, and therefore sexuality, is something that does not need addressing?
Answer
Altaf Husain answers:
Thank you for this question. May Allah Most Hight grant you healing and facilitate for you a healthy life. Amen.
We understand completely your feeling as if the community betrayed you. You are not alone in feeling that way. As we noted earlier in response to the question by Hany from Egypt, one of the greatest challenges in addressing sexual abuse in the Muslim community and many other communities for that matter is the strong sense of denial that exists. No community wants to admit that there are members who are predators, who literally prey on innocent, very young boys and girls. It is a tragedy indeed that there are men and women who are suffering from a deteriorated relationship with Almighty Allah and who have surrendered to their lower desires. So rather than confront these pedophiles and acknowledge that a problem of this severity exists, people would rather prefer to deny it, not talk about it out of fear of shaming either the victim or the predator.
For you, counseling will help but closure will come when you are sure that the Imam who abused you has been brought to justice. We are not sure if you even still live in the same community. Knowing that there is so much denial in our communities, and depending on how long ago the abuse occurred, it might not be possible for you to bring the Imam to justice. However, you should wisely seek out community leaders who are receptive and willing to listen and whom you trust. Perhaps by sharing with them privately your experiences, you might be able to determine if there were other children who made similar complaints about this Imam. Allah knows best but with lots of du'a' and a sincere intention to make sure this Imam never abuses another precious child again, it is possible that the Imam could be brought to justice. Please proceed with caution and remember that if you choose to bring charges against the Imam, you are also choosing to go public with the abuse and this might bring back a lot of painful memories for you. If you are convinced that he is still a predator and is victimizing children, then by all means pray the istikhara prayer, trust in Allah, and move ahead with your case. And Allah knows best.
Dr. Layla answers:
I am so sorry to hear of your struggles. You suffered sexual abuse at the hands of a Muslim cleric that of all people should not have exploited you. I am sorry to hear that your parents are no longer in this world to support you and be with you in this difficult time (May Allah cast mercy upon their souls). In the process of healing, there is undoubtedly a lot of anger and blame at what could have been done to prevent and alleviate suffering.
I have noticed that Muslims will say that sexual abuse does not happen in our communities and that it is something that only happens with non-Muslims. Nonetheless, I continue to hear stories upon stories of how this has and continues to occur in our communities as well as others. Sexual abuse like stealing, murder, and rape, is a crime against humanity and any human wherever they are from and whatever religion they belong to, is capable of perpetrating it.
I ask Allah Most High to help you in your journey of healing and that you may arise from this complete, strong, and perhaps an alley to others whom are suffering.
Name
Laila
- United Arab Emirates
Profession
Question
As-Salamu`alaykum, I was sexually abused when I was young and I was never treated or given any counselling. Now I'm married with children but I still suffer because of this. I get panic attacks and I would describe myself as an anxious person. What can I do? Is there any hope that I'll ever be free of fear?
Answer
Wa`alykum As-Salaamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuh.
Dr. Layla answers:
My dear sister Laila,
I am sorry to hear that you have struggled as a result of sexual abuse. In the great majority of cases that are untreated, individuals continue to experience suffering of some sort and many times it is considered Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). PTSD means that you would get nightmares, panic attacks, and other symptoms that are related to the traumatic event (in your case- sexual abuse).
Seeking mental health counseling is a great way to work through this trauma. I see many clients with this problem and I have seen individuals heal. Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR) is a newer treatment that has been found to greatly alleviate the traumatic memories and help to resolve symptoms. EMDR is done in conjunction with good therapy. You can go to to www.emdr.org read more about EMDR.
Often times victims of sexual abuse will walk around their whole lives carrying around guilt that is not theirs. Depending on the age at the time of the sexual abuse sometimes a person's body responds to the sexual abuse with physical sexual arousal, even though the mind is confused and upset. This is a very common and natural biological response that people interpret as meaning that they enjoyed it, thus leaving them guilt ridden for years.
To have one's childhood taken away at such a stage of growth is so profound that the pain of it seems permanently damaging. As I have said, I have seen people heal. You are do doubt just as able as they are to heal and insha'allah you will. May Allah guide you towards a path of healing and solace.
Altaf Husain answers:
Thank you for writing to us. There are some very concrete things you can do. When you get a panic attack, try to seek refuge in Allah from shaitan (Satan) and read from the Qur'an whatever Allah guides you to, and among the verses taught to us by our Prophet, peace be upon him, in times of anxiety and distress is the ayat-al-kursi (Chapter 2, verse 255). In addition, you can begin to deal with the abuse very privately by writing out your thoughts in the form of a diary. You need to address your abuser in your writings and tell him or her whatever it is that comes to your mind.
Most importantly, you must now begin to seek counseling even though so much time has passed since the incidence of the abuse. You owe it to yourself to have an opportunity to process the feelings which are bottled up inside of you and which shaitan uses to incline you towards fear and anxiety. Trust in Allah that insha'allah He will answer your prayers and will grant you healing.
May Allah Most High grant you healing and rid you of the fear and anxiety that you feel as a result of the abuse you suffered. May Allah Almighty protect you and strengthen both your marital relationship and your relationship with your children. May Allah Almighty protect you from ever becoming abusive yourself and may He protect your children from abuse. Amen.
Name
Yaquub
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
As-Salamu`alaykum, my sister was abused sexually when she was young and my family don't know because I know what would happen if they did. I'm trying to help her. Can you give me some suggestions of what to do for her emotional well-being without our parents knowing what happened? The person who hurt her is no longer in the country and we don't know where he is.
Answer
Wa`alykum As-Salaamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuh.
Altaf Husain answers:
Thank you for this question on behalf of your sister. We are sorry to hear about the abuse that your sister suffered and we make du'a' to Allah to grant her healing and to facilitate her recovery so that she may lead a healthy life.
We realize it will be difficult for you to attempt to get help for your sister without informing your parents. You are in a better position to judge as to how your parents would receive the news that their daughter was abused. If you are only afraid that they might be angry and feel ashamed, that might not be enough of a reason not to tell them. If you are absolutely sure that your parents would perhaps disown your sister or hurt her by blaming her, then we suggest you should not tell them. You should proceed with caution and determine which option is the best.
While it would make the whole process of healing better for your sister if your parents knew and were understanding, their knowledge of her abuse alone should not stop you from also pursuing parallel strategies to get help for her. Your parents could provide her additional emotional support but she needs to get counseling no matter what. Depending on the availability of counselors trained in dealing with victims of sexual abuse, you should proceed to get her help from counseling in person. If such counselors are not available, you should seek out online counseling on an on-going basis. However, it is highly preferable that she gets to see a counselor in person. If it turns out that you choose not to tell your parents, you will have to be discrete and make up whatever excuse to get your sister out of the house and to the counselor. As you can see, it is just so much easier in the long run if you can attempt to communicate to your parents what happened to your sister so that the entire family can go about trying to help her put this episode in her life behind her.
No matter which approach you choose, you should always encourage your sister and remind her that she is the victim and that she should never blame herself. You should help her to develop a regular routine of prayer and remembrance of Allah. She should appeal to Allah for healing, for His mercy, and for His protection as she attempts to bring back stability in her life. And Allah knows best.
Dr. Layla answers:
Dear brother Yaquub,
I am so sorry to hear of your sister's struggles. I would say that she is a very fortunate young lady to have you support her through this difficult time. Unfortunately our communities are so ignorant around sexual abuse that they often blame the victim and punish her for what they deem to be sexual promiscuity.
You ask for suggestions to try to help your sister.
Firstly, your believing her is a very important part in her ability to heal. It has been found that often times, more traumatizing than the actual abuse is the families failure to believe the victim. While your family might not understand your sister's struggles, fortunately you do.
Secondly, it is important not to push her to tell anyone as she might not be ready. Often times people push victims into disclosing, but what I have noticed is that those victims wisely withhold information often times because they know if it is safe to tell or not.
Thirdly, focusing on anger towards the perpetrator does not help your sister. It is best to take a position on your sister's side and to focus on her emotional needs for support rather than "social justice". If and when she is stronger, she may or may not want to benefit "society" by doing something about it, but that is her decision.
Fourthly, look at your sister as being a whole person who is bigger than the pain that she experienced. Notice things that she is good at and things that she enjoys and help her find herself as often times the sense of self is shattered.
Lastly, counseling is very important in sexual abuse. A good counselor will not tell your sister what to feel or what to do. A woman counselor that is a Muslima is optimal, though even a non-Muslim woman would be able to help immensely. As I have shared in other responses, this is something that people are able to heal from. The mere fact that your sister is here today indicates that she is a person with strength of character and determination. I pray that Allah guide you and your sister towards healing and personal growth.
Name
Naifa
- United States
Profession
student
Question
How common is sexual abuse in Muslim communities and who are the most common offenders in terms of relation to the abused?
Answer
Dr. Layla answers:
Honestly, we don't know how common sexual abuse is in our Muslim communities. Sexual abuse is a self-reported crime and unless people share what has happened to them there is no way to gather this information.
Sex offenders are most often individuals that are known to the child and family, though they don't have a certain demographic that unites them. They tend to have all kinds of socioeconomic states, physical appearances, religions, and backgrounds. There are even female sex offenders which perpetrate against boys and girls.
It is vital to have a continued dialogue with our children. We need to talk with our children about good touch and bad touch and also what to do if someone does something. Damage is greatly reversible if a child has a strong support system that includes a parent that believes them and is willing to get them help.
Altaf Husain answers:
The Muslim community is only now attempting to talk about the occurrence of sexual abuse so there is little existing research which documents the prevalence of abuse. We cannot say with certainty how common sexual abuse is in the Muslim community. As we have noted in responses to previous questions of a similar nature, since the community members choose so often to deny that sexual abuse exists in our communities, researchers will find it very difficult to publicize or promote their studies. In addition, due to the shame associated with this kind of abuse, the victims are also less likely to step forward and be recruited by the researchers. It is clear however that there is great benefit from increased efforts to educate the community that it is more painful and devastating for children especially to live with abuse without seeking help. We make du'a' that on-going education and research will insha'allah help us to know more about the problem, to help those who need help to seek and find help, and most importantly, will help us to train children and adults to ward off and report the abusers.
It is not possible to make general statements about who precisely the common offenders are in terms of their relationship to the victims. However, it is possible to say that studies consistently indicate that the majority of the predators and perpetrators of abuse are known to the victims as immediate family members (inclusive of parents/siblings), next of kin, neighbors, family friends, and adults in positions of authority ranging from teachers to coaches to prominent and lesser known community members. No matter w ho the abuser, the common trait is that he or she is sexually attracted to children and is so driven by their lower desires that they are willing to risk everything in this life and definitely punishment from Allah both in this life and in the hereafter. And Allah knows best.
Name
Yahya
- Canada
Profession
Sudent
Question
Is the trend in sexual harassment increasing? How can we educate our children about it?
Answer
Altaf Husain answers:
You have written sexual harassment, which is entirely different though not unrelated to sexual abuse. Since this live dialog is about survivors of sexual abuse, we will assume you meant to inquire about sexual abuse. There is insufficient knowledge and research to say with any degree of certainty whether sexual abuse is increasing or decreasing or staying the same. One reason for this uncertainty is that there is no existing data on past occurrence of sexual abuse to allow for comparisons over time. We ask Allah Most High to facilitate the much needed research insha'allah so that we can determine the extent of the abuse and so that we can develop prevention strategies.
Talking to children about sexual abuse per se will be very difficult until they are mature enough to understand; however, as soon as children are able to communicate verbally, parents could begin to talk about appropriate and inappropriate touching. An early and consistent emphasis on protecting and guarding one's hayaa’, or modesty, is also an excellent preventive measure since almost all cases of abuse involve in some way the violation of a child's modesty at the least and his or her chastity at the worst. Children need to be taught about their fitra, that is, the pure state in which they are born and because of which they have certain innate instinctive feelings of discomfort and unease when confronted by a potential abuser. Most importantly, even when children are educated about the possibility of abuse, they might not be able to escape at least the first attempt at abuse by an adult who forces himself or herself upon the children. It is critical that we instill in children the attitude that the children themselves did nothing wrong in that incident and that they should immediately report the incident to their parents or other loved ones. Since the community is in general in denial, adults and older siblings should also remember not to dismiss the child's claim of abuse. We should follow the principle, trust but verify so that in the case that an adult's actions or speech were misunderstood or misconstrued, we do not unnecessarily complicate life for all concerned. We must maintain open channels of communication with our precious children at all times. May Allah protect our children from abuse. Amen.
Dr. Layla answers:
You ask if the trend of "sexual harassment" is increasing, though I am wondering if you mean "sexual abuse".
Sexual harassment is something that happens to adults and is related to unwelcome sexual advances, whether they are physical or verbal.
Sexual abuse is a forced sexual act that occurs to children or vulnerable adults that is done in a violent way or a way that is coercive or manipulative.
When talking about trends and whether or not incidents are increasing or decreasing the difficulty is that the numbers are available as a result of self disclosure, such that while it may seem like more people are being sexually abused, it may mean that more people are talking about it.
In terms of how to protect our children from becoming victims of sexual abuse it is very important to teach them about good touch and bad touch. In Islam we have guidelines about what is permissible to show from our bodies even among the same gender as well as when it is no longer permissible to sleep next to a sibling of the opposite gender. These are safe guards instilled in Islam that we are protected by. Creating an open and trusting relationship with your children about this issue such they know who is and is not allowed to touch or see their private parts is important and also that it is safe enough to share with you if someone does hurt them. Although we may think of ourselves as being completely approachable, a child who has been abused will likely be confused and often manipulated into keeping quiet out of fear that a parent will blame them. Also, in normal circumstances, children do not just “make this up” or “imagine” sexual abuse. If your child tells you that they have been abused, seek the help of a mental health professional immediately and they will be able to help you understand the situation.
Name
ahsan
- United States
Profession
Question
Do we Muslims keep these types of crimes hidden from society? Or does that depend on the country one lives in?
Answer
Dr. Layla answers:
I think that the answer to your question is one that encompasses multiple layers of our societies.
Muslims don't know what to make of sexual abuse as they probably don't know of people around them who have suffered abuse - though it doesn't mean that it doesn't exist.
On the other end, victims rarely share stories of abuse because they and their families don't know that this has happened and as such don't know what to do or how to respond. Victims are often afraid of blame, violence, or a view that they are "damaged goods" being placed upon them.
One person at a time, it becomes a societal phenomenon to hide incidents of this crime from others as each person is afraid that they are the only one. Perpetrators prosper in this type of a dark, isolated, and ignorant environment.
Altaf Husain answers:
Muslims and many other communities would rather keep crimes such as sexual abuse hidden but that is wrong because it does not allow the victims to seek help and justice and it allows the perpetrators and predators to escape detection and appropriate punishment.
To some degree it matters as to which country one is talking about with regards to reporting sexual abuse and with charging the perpetrator. On the most part, it seems that Muslims living in Western countries are finding more support to discuss sexual abuse, and therefore, to seek counseling and to report perpetrators due mostly to the openness with which such topics in general are discussed in Western countries. Research is needed to determine with certainty a possible answer to your question.
Name
Muslima
-
Profession
Question
Thank God this session is on and I have two people that can help me. Two days ago a friend of mine approached me telling me of the worst thing I heard in my entire life - her dad abused her. She left the house and came to me and asked that I don't tell anybody, and I was about to go and expose her dad at his work but she did not want me to do so. I really don't know how I can help her. Please help help.
Answer
Altaf Husain answers:
May Allah reward you for your sincere concern for your friend's well-being. We are glad that you did not take the matter into your own hands and to try to expose her dad at his work. That could have been the worst thing you could do for her because if he indeed abused her, the shock at getting caught could have provoked him to hurt physically your friend and possibly even to hurt you. And if he did not abuse her, the shock at being accused of such a heinous act could have provoked him to hurt physically your friend and possibly even to hurt you. The reaction essentially could have been the same. Thank Allah you did not react in haste.
Your friend needs help. Incest is forbidden in Islam and there is absolutely no justification for it whatsoever. She needs to take every precaution immediately to be sure that she is never alone with her father again. Although Muslims are taught to respect our parents no matter what, there is no obedience to parents when they involve us in sinful acts. Your friend needs to muster up all the courage she has and to tell him never to touch her like that again or that she will tell her mother and inform the police. Of course she must exercise judgment as to how, when and where she warns him. One possible way might be to write a letter to him and make a copy of that letter for her own records. Insha'allah, after she gives him the letter his behavior will change, and he will promise never to touch her like that again. If he shows no sign of change and is rather defiant, threatening her etc, then she should involve her mother and siblings and even then, exercising the utmost wisdom in speech and actions.
Please help her as well to seek counseling even as she attempts to deal with her father. And Allah knows best.
Dr. Layla answers:
Dear Muslima,
Thank God that your friend has someone like you!
A witness to a person's pain and suffering is an invaluable asset to a victim. What is real and what is not is often blurred by the intensity of the pain that is suffered - this is especially true in the case of incest. I am glad that you respected her wishes and did not expose her dad. Firstly, it may have been unsafe for her secret to come out right now and secondly that is not what she wants from you.
Try to get your friend some counseling at this point so that she can begin to get help and make herself stronger. Only after finding herself again will she be able to decide if/how/and when to expose her father. EMDR (Eye Movement desensitization reprocessing) is a technique that works wonderfully with such kinds of intense trauma. You can read up on it at: www.emdr.org and you can also search their directory for a provider in your area. This is EMDR is used with counseling and is supported by a plethora of research indicating its effectiveness with trauma.
In terms of how you can support her it is important to:
-listen to her
-hold her if it is okay with her
-tell her that it isn't her fault
-read Qur'an with her
-be in her company in case for when she needs you
-also give space in case for when she needs it
-tell her that you believe her and that she is not crazy
-ask her what you can do to support her
-join her in making du'a' for healing and clarity
-help her to keep with her routines such as prayer, school, and other things that will help her in this time of suffering.
I pray that Allah protect her and heal her pain and suffering. This night I am sure that we have a lot of individuals who have suffered sexual abuse who are observing this session in fear and guilt. Your contribution is a mobilization of support for your friend and for the voiceless victims around the world.
Name
sumayyah
-
Profession
Question
As-Salamu`alykum, how do you deal with someone who is depressed due to something that had happened in their life? Second, what if this person "uses" this depression for ways to avoid what is being Muslim, for example not fasting in Ramadan, etc.
Answer
Dr. Layla answers:
Dear sister Sumayyah,
Depression is a disease that has a great capacity to paralyze one's life. This is especially true when the "thing" that happened to trigger it is not addressed. Offering support to a depressed person is very important. Instead of assuming that an individual is hiding behind depression, it can be seen that depression is sitting on them and they need help to be freed from it's shackles. Sometimes supporting a person who is struggling with depression is as simple as sitting with them even if in silence.
You ask about if a person "uses" depression to avoid Islamic teachings. I caution you about accusing anyone of that with any level of certainty. Depression is a disease and depending on its severity can retard a person's ability to do day-to-day things such as eating and bathing let alone fasting. Only Allah knows what is in this person's heart.
Your non-judgmental support of this person is more valuable than anything. Often times individuals arrive for counseling and are so afraid to start, except that after beginning the healing process they wonder why it was so hard to begin with. You friend may likely benefit some supportive counseling and also some medications as antidepressants with counseling have proven to have the capacity to greatly alleviate suffering.
Altaf Husain answers:
A person can be depressed for any number of reasons so it is important to seek help from counselors so that they can help determine the possible causes of the depression and discuss strategies to reduce if not eliminate entirely the depression. If the depression occurs because your friend is a sexual abuse victim, then be sure to recommend strongly that they get counseling immediately. Not having discussed all of those bottled up feelings is bound to have adverse impacts on other aspects of their daily functioning. Help them to get help insha'allah.
People who might have been abused are inclined to think, although wrongfully, 'why did Allah let this happen to me?' and 'I am to blame, I brought this on myself.' shaitan (Satan) does his best to incline such people to feel as if they do not need Allah since He supposedly abandoned them and allowed them to be abused. So if they do not need Allah, they do not need to pray, fast or do anything else pleasing to Allah. Please, please appeal to this person and help them understand that in fact the problem of depression and all other challenges can be confronted by the help of Allah Almighty not by running away from or neglecting our duties towards Allah. Help this person come to appreciate that indeed Allah is the best of Healers. Make du'a' to Allah to guide this person back to the straight path. And Allah knows best.
Name
Hous bin Fard'een
-
Profession
Chartered Naval Officer
Question
I am deeply distressed by the lack of evenhandedness of IOL in constantly criticising America and Israel while, at the same time, ignoring the patent aggression of the Lebanese terrorists and thugs.
Answer
Editor:
We would like to apologize for not answering your question as it is not related to the subject matter of this dialogue. Please re-submit your concern at the following linke:
Finally, we would like to thank Sister Dr. Dr. Layla A. Asamarai and Brother Altaf Husain for taking the time to answer the questions of Islamonline viewers today, and we also thank all those who participated in this dialogue. We encourage our readers to join us in upcoming sessions.
