Assalam alaikum, I am going through a lot of dificulties as you know most Asian women go through. My In-laws really messed up my marriage and my husband is very weak about protecting me and standing up for me in front of his family. His mother controls his mind and she brainwashed me very well because I was naive. Now I have no respect for my husband. Everytime she plays a new game with us and my husband ignores it. She even made my daughter againt me but thank God my daughter is ok but my daughter has depprission and I have it and also my husband has it. What should I do? Should I leave him knowing the fact that it will hurt my children? Please guid me to the right path.
Answer
My dear sister as-salamu `alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.
You know, sometimes, when we find ourselves in a situation, that is the worst we have ever found ourselves in, the solution can be seem quite remote.
If you were to walk away from your situation, it would only be a physical leaving as emtoionally you are quite drained, and spiritually you are feeling quite empty. Your ability to be the mother that your child needs is also handicapped. In this individualistic world it is easy to walk away either physically or emotionally, but when we do that, we lose the chance to not only learn from it, but we lose the chance to fully recover.
Rasullah said: "Not everyone who intends something is able to do it. Not everyone who is able to do something will be granted success in something will do it in the right place. When ability, success, and correctness come together, then happiness is perfected."
In other words, it is not only you who has been demoralized, but your child and your husband as well. If your husband was able to stand up for you and protect you against your in-laws he would have done so. So this leaves only one solution. As low as you feel right now, you have a perspective on the situation and you are aware that your rights have been abused. Now for a moment , put yourself in your husband's shoes and realize that he was raised that way therefore you have an advantage over him and with that advantage, you have to find a way to awaken him as to his rights for the best interest of your family including your child.
Admittedly, this will take some time as basically you are teaching him, but the best way to do that without causing more problmes is through humor. Once you can see your husband is becoming aware, then it is time to start working on finding a home away from these in-laws. Not too far, but far enough so that your own family can develop un-hindered. With care, and compassion and all the energy you can find within yourself and call on Allah for, you will be surprised what is possible.
Jazak Allah Khayrun
Name
soe abraham
- Samoa (USA)
Profession
student
Question
My husband wants to have sex with me from the (ass) back. Is that okay?
Answer
As-salamu `alaykum sister. What do you say? After all isn't your selfworth in making love with your husband an important factor? There are some women, who find this offensive and there are others who do not. There is also a health factor which can contribute towards sexual diseases.
These are the external factors that you must consider and generally in Islam, women are to be appreciated and respected, not treated like animals. It is a question that firstly, you have to ask yourself, because how you are treated in marriage, depends on how you want to be treated or how you allow yourself to be treated. If you want tenderness and compassion for instance, these inssues you should explore with your husband so that you can find what is beneficial to both of you. In this way you can develop the kind of intimate relation you are looking for.
Name
Syed
- Canada
Profession
retired
Question
Inshallah, I will be having an eye surgery necessitating eye drops every hour for one week then four times a day for four weeks. I would like to fast but under the circumastances I will not fulfill the requirements of fasting. Are there any exceptions for medical conditions - in other words could one fast and use eye drops?
Answer
As-salamau `alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh. First of all, let me say that I am not a scholar, and for a full answer you should submit a question to Ask the Scholar.
I will just say that there is a general belief that the taking of medication breaks a fast confusing the difference between intrasmuscular and intravenous forms of medication.The differecne with eye drops is that they are not 'consumed' like food or drink. This form of medication does not enter the blood stream so many scholars do say that the fast is not invalidated.
Name
Isha
- United States
Profession
Student
Question
If you have a boyfriend, which i know is not allowed, are you allowed to talk to him after breaking the fast? Just talking?!!!
Answer
As salamu `alaykum my sister,
Let me ask you, what does fasting mean to you. Sheikh `Ali bin Uthman al-Hujweri said:
"Give close consideration to things which you can not afford to ignore, be true to yourselves and fight against your (inclinations) so that you may find out those things which it is inexcusable not to know..."
I am quite sure you know why it is forbidden to have a boyfriend, even if it is only just talking. The tongue, as we know, can act as as a form of flirtation hence Prophet Muhammed spoke against woamen talking in soft voices with men. Just imagine, while you are talking with him, you develop feelings that may or may not be within your control, and him the same. It might be a one-sided game for one, and a serious matter for the other.
To do this during the fasting month of Ramadan is allowable for husbands and wives only, where the relationship is halal. It is no different than simply stopping the process of eating from dawn to dusk, because there is no benefit.
As al-Hujweri goes on to say.. "Fasting involves not only the abstinence from eating and drinking, but also from eating one's fill, guarding the eyes from lustful looks, the ears from hearing evil things, the tongue from talking ill of somebody behind his back, and the mind from thoughts of anything other than Allah..."
When we can learn to fast like this, the bounties are manifold. One feels differently, one feels more wholesome without the need to be faltered in anyway. One feels more in control and surprisingly one actually does have a different perception of reality at the end of the fasting month of Ramadan for instance.
The problem is, that increasingly less and less people fast this way, and Ramadan ends up simply being soemthing that we do and are relieved when it has ended. Ramadan is a renewal of who we are as we forget throughout the year. This renewal is only possible when we commit ourselves to that renewal presenting to us, more opportunities for change.
Name
tina
- Andorra
Profession
student
Question
What exactly do you mean by self discovery?
Answer
Self discovery?????????? Hmmmm...
You know, as we grow up, we fall into habits that have nothing to do with how we actually feel or think. We do things because others tell us to do them, and if someone was to ask us a question, we simply repeat a common belief. Many of us only realize this when things go wrong and we want to start blaming others.
A person can stop growing, can stop getting anything out of life from the age of 10 for example and even live the rest of his life in that way. He is never happy and lives a life always in regret. This is a sin. Allah has never put us onto this earth, just to stagnate. 'He is like that' someone will say. 'So what' somebody else will say. It is called 'Sitting on the fence'. We end up not even committing ourselves to our own lives. We do things simply for the sake of doing, without ever intending to change, without ever realizing that the simple everyday things that we do affects someone somewhere, possibly in a detrimental way.
Well, it is time to wake up folks! Life is not 'Just like that', it is what we make it. Instead of falling under the pattern of the mundane, as 4th Caliph, `Ali ibn abu Talib said, "Start with what interests you." If you are too busy doing what somebody else is doing, you do not know what interests you, but if you take time to pray and contemplate after prayer and contemplate at the end of each day,you will begin to realize what interests you, what you find acceptable and what you find unacceptable. These are the tools that guide, that awaken your spirit to a greater participation in life realizing that Allah wants all of us to do our bit towards making this a better world and we cannot make this a better world. If we are non-commital about everything, including ourselves/nothing except ourselves.
Name
ahmad
- Canada
Profession
studnet
Question
Assalam alaykum, how can people hope to develop spiritually when we are bombarded with materialism, and superficiality in nearly all aspects of life?
Answer
My brother, As-salam `alaykum.
The short answer - by stop blaming somebody else.
We are all human, and generally speaking it is not fashionable to be anything but materialistic. 'I want, I want, Iwant' I remember being printed across a child's T-shirt. This is the nature of the world we live in today, but the only way to not be heavily influenced is to start with outselves. If we want to learn anything from what is going on in our lives to day, I say that WE ARE ALL RESPONSIBLE, because 'I want.'
Islam abhores waste, abhores oppression, abhors lies, deceit, extremes etc. Put them all together, we have Ramadan to remind us every year how to untie those knots of 'I want'. By doing without we can better aprreciate what is neccessary and those who do not have. By understanding what halal food is, we stop buying products that harm us and harm those that produce it. By buying food from your local grocers, you learn to respect the real workers of one's country. By learning how that food comes into being, we give better espect to what we comsume and what we put on our tables when we say 'Al-hamdu-Lillah.
Step by step, we can learn to detoxify ourselves emotionally, psychologically and spiritually, and when we can do this, we are more able to have out minds under own own control to determine what is best, and best for whom. We might even be able to learn how to trust and whom to trust, and with that comes compassion and with that compassion comes love.
Name
sally
- United Kingdom
Profession
student of journalism
Question
Assalam alaikum, I want to do things that I'm interested in but I don't know how to do that and please my parents at the same time. We just don't see things in the same way and usually I give in so I don't hurt them. If I keep doing this I know I'll be depressed but I don't know how to deal with all this. Can you help?
Answer
My daughter, greetings to you and may the blessings of the coming Ramadan grace your home, insha-Allah.
You know, each person is born according to a generation and each generation is equipped for that time that he is born into. The trouble with us parents, is that we forget!!! We plain and simply, become 'materialistic about our children.' To find the balance, and Islam ALWAYS insists on balance, do both. As long as what you are interested in does not harm you, does not harm anybody else and it will help you in your own develop towards becoming a better person just start with one interest that you can fit in with what your parents want.
If you can please them, and develop one interest your parents might not react so dramatically when they discover the benefits of your interest. If you can demonstrate the benefits, this might allow them to give you a little leeway.
Name
ali
- Japan
Profession
manager
Question
Ideally we would all go to the mountains and live among natural beauty and discover the richness within the self, but that's not always possible, is it? So here we are stuck in modern suburban city life, drowning in materialism and superficiality. No wonder so many people suffer from depression and a deep sense of boredom. What do you see is the remedy for this?
Answer
As-salamu `alaykum `Ali.
Who said anything about going to the mountains? Do you feel that is the only place you can recover yourself?
Well, sadly, that is what many think, because we simply do nothing about changing the way we live. We do the same old things and then turn around and complain:
1) What determined your career - your qualifications.
2) What determined your qualifications
- your friends/relatives/parents/ and advertisements etc.,
This is one clearcut example. We fulfill the roles that we are not happy with without stopping to think.
The art of following what interests goes beyond getting all the qualifications, it goes towards first identifying what interests you and why and how. What interests you gives you balance as a human being. Once you can take care of this, one learns to find balance between what one feels one has to do and what is more in peace and harmony with one as a human being. In the process of learning to find the balance between the two, a decision is made which genrally leads towards becoming the kind of person that is more able to contribute to the society in which one lives.
Believe it or not, the same applies to those who are have seemingly been left with no choice and have only been able to complete compulsory education. Once we can demystify what we need and what society needs, then at all levels of society, we are better placed to be more resepsctful and be better contributors, be better appreciated and to be better citizens of the world.
Name
alissa ahmed
- United States
Profession
teacher
Question
When I read the introduction to this live dialogue it expressed many things of how I feel. I feel like I'm dying inside. My family pushes me to be what they want and expect and society is pushing me to be a super consumer! In between all this I have things that I like and want to do but I also have this kind of ingrown need to please my family so as to be accepted by them (is that wrong?) and to get wealth by working (is that wrong too?) I'm confused.
Answer
As-salamau `alaykum sister.
You know, sometimes, we do have to do what is expected of us until there comes a such a time whereby we can take a chance.
The purpose of wealth in Islam, is to share, not to keep. So from this simple point of view, even though what your parents are expecting of you lays the ground for a spiritual death, there is AlWAYS another way of looking at the situation.
For instance, you say you are being pushed to produce wealth, but at the end of everyday, there is nothing to say that you could not give of your time, at a reputable, charitable organization. Working directly with people gives you all the opportunities you need to develop youself as a person. For instance, here are some of the blemishes of the nafs that sheikh al-Jerrahi speaks of:
Pride
To show off
Arrogance
Envy
To speak indecently about people
To concern oneself with the affairs of others
Hypocrisy
To fear criticism
To have no compassion
To be dishonest/li
These are some bad habits, that with voluntary work, can be addressed in learning how to give and how to recieve. This also helps to teach one how to develop balance and harmony in one's life which is what one is seeking when it is aiming to develop a more rounded way of life.
The mechanisms of daily life today mean being hard, judgmental, self-interested etc, this increases efficiency as a product, but those create a blemish on the nafs which prevents us from developing our true potential.
Name
Amal
- Germany
Profession
doctor
Question
Salams to all. I'm very interested in homeopathic medicine and see it as more than necessary to survive in today's artificial world. Where do you draw the line between Western medicine and Homeopathic remedies? Is there room for both?
Answer
As-salamu `alaykum, Amal.....
There is always room for both and in fact traditional Chinese Medicine works happily alongside modern medicine in the treatment of cancer in China today.
Again, it is not necessarily about either or, but it is definitely a case about acknowledging the grave mistakes that have occurred in modern medicine. Only then, can comtemporary medicine stand a chance in developing a greater udnerstanding towards what constitutes health.
Also, we must stop seing ourselves as coming off a conveyor belt as products with all the same constituent ingredients, nuts and bolts.
Out of sound there was form and from form, there was creation, and each creature of Allah has its weaknesses and strengths and as such, medically speaking, what is the best treatment for one is not necessarily the best treatment for somebody else.
Name
youthforlife
- Pakistan
Profession
student
Question
Salam and hi to everyone. People don't know who they are anymore. I mean I think my grandparents were more in touch with reality and each other even though they were poor and lived simply. Now people seem to be selfish and jumping from relationship to relationship without any desire or appreciation for stability. How did all this change?
Answer
A very interesting question. Yes indeed how did it all change?
It happened before our very eyes when we were presented with the opportunity to do anything we like and in that liking a selfishness grew that not only turned us into a society of individuals and to maintain being that way, we hide ourselves from ourselves.
Name
ilham
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
Salam alaykum. I have a kind of idea what this subject is about. I think it is about knowing what you want in your life... right? But you know, I feel kind of lost and I don't know how to know what I want. Do I make any sense?
Answer
Yes, you make sense to me anyway.
What you are feeling is quite normal. We forget that we are from Him and to Him we shall return and that is imbedded within us and is a part of ourselves called the fitra, our original souls and that while we consciously become lost, subconsciously the electrical impulses within our body pulsate triggering reminders of how we should be.
So how does one know? One does right away. Just as one gets to know a stranger, one has to to get to know oneself because one has become a stranger to oneself. This takes time, honesty and patience. It also means having the courage to leave behind what no longer helps one in ones own development, like firends for instance. This is why Islam advises us to spend time with those who are good, those whose values we can learn from, becuase in that process of spiritual awakening we become more equipped to develop our respective potential.
We can't all be doctors and engineers and as we know there are some bad doctors and engineers some of whom are doing jobs they do not want to do. We all have something to offer and whatever the nature of that is, it is only in the process of becoming sensitive to our needs that we can realize our weakenesses and where our strengths really lie.
Name
tarek
- Canada
Profession
Question
Salam and thanks for discussing this important subject.
It is important to follow your 'passion' in life and know what you're good at what you want to do to contribute to the world but what do we, as Muslims, do when family steps in and decides for us what we should do? How do we reconcile self-development with pleasing and respecting parents which is necessary to please Allah. I hope you can adivse.
Answer
Hi Tarek, I think that I answered a question like this already. Yes, we are to be obedient to our parents, but it is not all one way as some conveyors of Islam lead us to believe. Children and youth also have their rights which include compassion and kindness from their parents. This involves listening and understanding.
If this is your problem, this is your strting point by helping you parents to see your needs and in turn your ability to behave responsibily.
Name
ibrahim
- Nigeria
Profession
Question
Assalam alikum, self discovery sounds good but there are so many people in the world just trying to eat and survive. What about them?
I think this is more of a western 'illness' that grew out of materialism. What do you think?
Answer
As-salamu `alaykum Ibrahim.
If you can think of our early Islamic scholars, look at the way they lived and what they were able to achieve. Now education is aligned with wealth or a way to gain wealth. In developing countries, regardless of how many of those who are dying, living, and eating most of the interesting developments, continues to come out from the devloping countries, new developments in medicine tends to come out of developing countries, ways towards spiritual development tends to come out of the developing countries and while people are falling prey to the decadence of wealth in developing countries, the developed countries are helping themselves and increasingly their control over the devloping countries which still remains their source of spiritual, economic and intelectual growth for the developed nations.
Name
ready4action
- United States
Profession
Question
Hi, I believe the real self lies within regardless of what goes on around it. It's just a matter of finding it. I have found that in western countries (and I am referring to most of the world because they've adopted western values) that real self is buried deep within and sadly I think many people live all their lives without knowing themselves. What a waste. how sad. How can I avoid being a statistic?
Answer
You can avoid being a statistic by treaqing each day like a new day, a new opportunity to achieve what you thought you could not achieve with what you have, yourself.
Name
ngn
- Germany
Profession
Question
Salam. when I talk to my friends about such subjects they usually laugh and don't seem to comprehend it at all. I'm glad you raised this subject because I thought I was the only one who thinks like that. Why do people feel content to be pushed around by society and world politics like so many pawns in a chess game? I don't want that! But I must admit sometimes I don't know how to step out of it.
Answer
Hi, Ng,
Simple because they do not know. Too much has been granted when we assume that human beings can simply be programed. If you tell them this, then surely they will be able to do that. However, if you look at countries like Britain, where there is generational poverty, one can observe that with each successive generation, there is a greater and greater inability 'to do'. What seems like common sense to you, may very well sound like stupidity to somebody else because they have lost the ability to cook for instance. There are families who can only provide food for themselves by buying it already made from a shop, they do not know how to cook. They recieve social security and cannot survive because they simply do not know how to provide for themselves. Everything they get, they get from the state.
The reason why your friends do not understand, is because your paradym has changed. You have awoken to a greater reality which is provided by the enotional and psychological tools to do what they cannot comprehend.
