As-Salamu`alaykum, my mother doesn't trust. I know I do wrong things sometimes but I pray and wear hijab. What can I do that my mother will trust me and treat me more like I'm grown up? Now I'm fifteen. Thanks.
Answer
All Praise is due to Allah, we begin with His name and turn to Him in all of the tests He puts forward to strengthen us. May He shower peace and blessings upon Muhammad, the seal of the prophets, his family, companions and those who follow his way until the Day of Judgment.
I think that in any human relationship we must recognize that communication is critical for understanding each other. I would begin by communicating my feelings to my mother, i.e. I would let her know how I am feeling and the struggles I am facing in doing what is right. I would be sincere and honest with my mother and let her know that I really do wish for her to trust me and that I have learned my mistakes. If your mother feels that you are open and honest and sincere, she will begin to trust you.
Aside from that, we must realize that trust is something that is earned and it is not a right. The bad things that you may have done could have caused her not to fully trust you.
The other important issue is that our parents are our protectors, and sometimes they don’t trust our environments, it’s not necessarily that they don’t trust us. In the end, our parents want what is best for us.
Lastly if we want to be treated in a certain way we need to behave in that way. I know that this is difficult and it is something that I too struggled with at your age, however, I quickly came to realize that our parents only want the best for us and are trying to protect us. It is very difficult for them because no matter what you will always be there little girl.
And Allah knows best.
Name
asma
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Profession
Question
please i need to have an answer concerning the death and it is so urgent, please can i post my question now to you or is ther anyone who could help me now ? i feel terrible. jazak ALlah kher
Answer
Editor:
We would like to apologize for not answering your question as this is not the subject matter of this dialogue. Please re-submit your question on the following page and indicate why it is so urgent:
I got a question. I am in grade 10. My parents say its haram to go to school dances and they do not allow me. But all my friends go and I still sneak out to go with them because I do not want to be alone and because all the cool people go. Plus I do not dance with girls, I just go to be with my friends. Do you have any advice for me on what to do?
Answer
All Praise is due to Allah, we begin with His name and turn to Him in all of the tests He puts forward to strengthen us. May He shower peace and blessings upon Muhammad, the seal of the prophets, his family, companions and those who follow his way until the Day of Judgment. All praise is due to Allah, Who has guided you upon His path. May you continue to seek His guidance and pleasure in all your actions.
Jazak’Allahu Khayr for your question.
I think that this is a common issue amongst youth. Everyone one of us wants to fit in, but the question is where do we want to fit into. You have picked friends who don’t practice Islam and so you have peer pressure to do things that further you from Allah. The issue here is not the dance; the issue is that you need to realize that you have a responsibility towards your creator. Allah (swt) created you, gave you the ability to see and eat and drink and choose and you choose to please the creation and not the Creator. We have to wake up and realize that all of us are soon returning to Allah (swt) and we need to ask ourselves in which manner do we wish to return to him. You have to look at the bigger picture and understand the wisdom in why we should not attend functions that are meant to encourage activity that is displeasing to Allah.
1. Do what is right and you will be respected.
2. This is also a question of Islamic identity, what does is it mean to be a Muslim to you? Allah (swt) tells us in the Qur'an: "Is it not time for the hearts of believers to submit?" In another verse Allah (swt) asks us, what has diluted you (taken you away) from Lord most High? Examine what it is that Allah means to you versus what it is you wish to do and see if your desires are deserving of you to compromise yourself.
3. You need to surround yourself with good friends. By good I mean those who bring you closer to your goals and encourage you to do what is right. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) tells us that the good friend is like the seller of musk, whenever you are near him you smell nice. Meaning, no matter what the good friend is, one who will encourage you towards what is good. Currently, your friends are causing you to lie, to go somewhere un-Islamic, and you need to take responsibility for your actions.
Being cool can’t be our standard in our lives. What if our friends decide that it is cool to do drugs, smoke etc. We have to have a personality that stands for principles, for what is right. In the end, remember that time passes and so do our acquaintances in school. When we die, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) tells us that when we are buried in our grave, we can hear the footsteps of those we love leaving us alone. It is at that moment that we stand alone answering for our actions. Death is definitely real and it comes to us when Allah commands it, not discriminating between age or colour or status. In one year my family lost its youngest and oldest members.
4. Last but not least, remember that shaytan is greater than us. That it is not ok to just be in a bad environment and think that we will not eventually give in. That environment is haram and being there leads to haram. A principle in fiqh is that what leads to haram is haram. Going to the dance and lying to your family are all part of this haram.
Please try and protect yourself and make du'a' that Allah give you the strength to do what is right.
Name
Mustafa
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Profession
Question
How would you approach the following problem: an adolescent (that didn't grow up in an Islamic environment) has the habit of flirting with and casually 'hanging out' with the opposite gender?
Answer
1. Be a good example yourself, and perhaps they may learn through observation insha'Allah.
2. Give them a series of lectures to listen to and amongst the topics have the topic of hayaa' or modesty.
3. Attend a halaqa (study circle) with them, in which such topics may arise informally.
4. Ask the imam to give the Jumu'ah Khutbah on this topic, knowing that they will attend.
5. Make du'a' for him or her.
6. Befriend them so that one day you are more comfortable to speak directly with him or her on this topic.
7. Send a mass email about this topic and include them in the email.
These are just some methods of relaying the message insha'Alalh. Please realize that change is gradual and we must give people time to understand and overcome there shortcomings.
Allah knows best.
Name
amber
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Profession
Question
i being a sunni muslim can i marry a guy whose dad is sunni but mom shia
Answer
Editor:
We would like to apologize for not answering your question as this is not the subject matter of this dialogue. Please re-submit your question on the following page:
I am 25 years old my mother and father have 4 children 2 boys and 2 girls. I am the middle one. My parents pay all the attention to my older brother and sister and basically left myself and my younger sister to fend for ourselves. They think that just because they raised the first two that they can relax and let the older siblings raise the younger ones. They spend a lot of their time helping my older brother. Like, a few days ago my father asked me to go to my brother's house and cut his lawn. I told my father I would not do that because my brother who acts like a big child when I touch something of his. A few days ago my father said "all his children and crazy." I shot back and told him that he made his children crazy. He replied and said the only reason why his children are crazy is because they don't listen and they screw themselves up. Any advice would be helpful.
Answer
Jazak’Allahu Khayr for your question.
Ok… I think that this question is loaded with issues.
1. The fist issue is your frustration with your parents for not giving you the attention you require. I think you have built up feelings that need to be discussed with your parents. Perhaps they do not know that you are feeling this way and they are attributing your anger to poor behaviour and a lack of respect. This seems to turn into an ugly cycle of blame. The way I would alleviate this is:
a) talk to them
b) remember that you are responsible for your own actions, so always be in control of what *you* do and say.
c) recognize that your parents struggle much and love you much and perhaps do not understand what you are experiencing because you did not communicate that to them
d) examine yourself and see if you are to blame in any of this, and change your behaviour if you are
e) trust in Allah
2. The issue of cutting the lawn for your brother.
a) When we do good deeds it is not for a person, it is ONLY for the pleasure of Allah. If you truly understand this then whenever you have the opportunity to do good deeds and receive rewards, nothing should stop you. It doesn’t’ matter how the person treats you because doing the good deed really has nothing to do with them.
b) Secondly, you would have received the reward of obedience to parents had you done what your father asked.
3. Parents – talking back to them is not acceptable. When Allah says in the Qur'an don’t even say “ouf” this is not a suggestion, it is a comman from your Lord. If we belittle the orders of Allah, where will we stand on the Day of Judgment? Our parents struggle over and over again so that we are safe and happy. Unfortunately we are sometimes unable to understand this because we or our parents have poor communication skills. But in the end the command of Allah is clear. Just like when the red light on the road signals STOP, when we see talk to our parents and are upset we must control ourselves and STOP.
4. Lastly, we must maintain respect when we speak to each other. It is not healthy nor Islamically acceptable to lash out when speaking to someone, especially our father. Really, how horrible would it have been to give in and just cut the lawn and speak to your father later about your frustration?
Advice from me, is that I lost my father 4 years ago, I wish so dearly that he was here, even if it was simply to order me around and yell at me. Time passes and regret overcomes us, so do not act in a way in which you will regret. And be forgiving so that you may begin to love fully.
Name
need help
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Profession
Question
I just started university and I fell in love with a guy that's in the same university and he is one year older than me. We want to get engaged but my family and his family says it's too early for us. I can't stop chatting with him on msn or emailing him. That's all we do, we don't go out. He understands me better than anybody else and he is there for me. Please provide advice.
Answer
Jazak’Allahu Khayr for your question.
This seems to be a popular issue on campus.
First things first insha’Alalh.
1. You need to recognize that falling in love is something that requires much interaction and so if you claim to love this person, something has gone wrong from the beginning, for which you should seek forgiveness for.
2. Aside from thinking you love this person, you need to fix the situation before it gets out of hand. We marry so that we can choose a partner who will accompany us in our journey towards the pleasure of Allah. If we are in a relationship that is meant to seek Allah’s pleasure than we must proceed in a that makes Allah happy. I.E. We don’t rob a bank to build a masjid.
3. What you need to do to make this relationship valid and Islamically acceptable is:
a) Stop any behaviour that displeases Allah ( i.e. Your contact with him)
b) Speak to your family and see if you can comprise regarding an early engagement
c) Explain to your family the situation you are in currently
d) He needs to ask permission from your father to speak with you
4. If for any reason your parents do not agree, then you must leave the situation for the sake of Allah until you are ready to be married.
5. This is a very slippery slope and you need to recognize that the precautions that are taken to protect the female in Islam are for our own good. We are sometimes very fragile and such situations shatter us.
6. I would pray sincerely to Allah to bring me close to what is good for me. In doing so, you must recognize that we do not know what is best in the end, so we leave these matters to Allah.
7. Lastly, if we begin by displeasing Allah we are affecting our chances of there being khayr in it for either of you. And what is written for you, no one can change, so putting it on hold does not jeopardize your destiny. Trust in Allah and choose his pleasure over your desire insha'Alalh.
May Allah help you to do what is right.
Name
Aisha
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Profession
Question
My Mom is always yelling at me, just as all Arabs and especially Egyptians. I personally hate yelling and it got in my nerve that my mom yells always and ever over the trivial or major issues. How can I deal with my mom?
Answer
Assalamu Aliakum WarahmatuAlalhi Wabarakatu,
Regarding your mother, I think that you need to talk to her in a respectful way about how her yelling at you makes you feel bad. I think that we also need to realize that sometimes we react (yell) because of many reasons.
1. If your actions are the cause of her yelling then you should try and minimize the actions that cause her displeasure and yelling.
2. She may be experiencing external stress and so she takes it out on you.
3. We are Egyptian too, and although my mom doesn’t yell too much, when she is upset with others she seems to take it out on me and when I have talked to her about it she says that it’s because she knows that I won’t be angry with her. Sometimes when we love someone they take the brunt of our problems. Ironically, it may be a sign of her love for you :).
4. I would try and diffuse the situation when she is yelling so that yelling could be minimized.
I would really just talk to her about it, when you are both calm and not upset.
Perhaps you could also introduce her to yoga :).
Name
Abdullah
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Profession
Question
My parents always tell me "this is wrong, that's wrong and if I do it, I'll go to hell", but they never explain to me why it's wrong and this almost made me dislike my religion.
Answer
Assalamu Aliakum WarahmatuAlalhi Wabarakatu,
The best situation would have been for your parents to explain to you the reasons why we do things we do, however, you are no longer a child and it’s your responsibility to explore that yourself.
I will explain to you the reasons why I do what I do.
1. When I was 11 my father spoke to me about an aya in the Qur'an that illustrates for us that the sky is so magnificent and that it is held up without any pillars. Upon thinking about this verse I began to realize that in this world there is indeed something that is greater than myself. The roofs we build collapse without walls, and so the sky in its majesty hovers over us without any structural support. So I realize that if there is something greater than me, then who or what is it.
2. Upon searching through the Qur'an I realize that this is the word of God and that it is not changed. So, if God created me, and sent me a book that is unchanged and I believe this to be true, then I must accept all that comes with the book and the wisdom of God’s orders. I realize that I am alive and that inevitably I will die, and so I ask myself what do I have to do to return to God in a way that HE (swt) is pleased with me. So I do what it is that I need to do, as God tells me to do it and pray that I am able to understand the reasons. However, I do it, ONLY because Allah asked me, not because it may or may not make sense to me.
3. You need to know Allah to love Him and to obey Him. The fact that you ask is great and I encourage you to continue to do that and to seek Allah (swt), If you come to Him (swt) walking, He (swt) will come to you running insha’Alalh.
Allah knows best.
Name
Shabana
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Profession
Question
My house is full of rules, and I feel like screaming if someone else says "Haram" am I wrong?
Answer
Assalamu Aliakum WarahmatuAlalhi Wabarakatu,
Life is full of rules, not just your house. Rules are guidelines that are employed to protect us. I know that sometimes our parents become very protective and the word haram is used so often that we forget the reason why we do the things we do, but there is wisdom behind these rules. In Islam everything is halal except a few things that are harmful to us which Allah has then made haram (forbidden). If your parents are giving you rules that are not necessarily in line with what is not forbidden in Islam then you should talk to them and try to negotiate some freedom with issues. Pick your battles wisely and remember to communicate openly and respectfully with them so that you can gain their trust.
Allah knows best.
Name
Aisha
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Profession
Question
How can I make my parents understand me, when they don't listen to what I say ?
Answer
Assalamu Aliakum WarahmatuAlalhi Wabarakatu,
In order to make your parents understand you, you must first realize that it takes time and you have to be patient.
There are many barriers that need to be broken when trying to make anyone understand you.
1. Firstly examine your approach. Maybe you are not being respectful enough, maybe you are not being logical but very emotional, maybe they are upset with something you did in the past and it was not resolved. So, you need to examine your approach and refine it, because you think it’s not working.
2. Listen actively to what they are saying and see if maybe your approach is not addressing their issues.
3. Understanding their history and their lives will help you to understand how they react to you.
4. Talk to them at a time when you are both calm and not emotionally charged.
5. Be sincere and show them that you do care.
6. Obey them first and then clarify after.
7. Put things in perspective and don’t lose sight of the bigger picture. Sometimes we jeopardize our relationship with our parents because of trivial battles. The du'a' of the mother to Allah has no barrier, ie. It goes straight up to Allah. If we think about this then how could we imagine displeasing them?
8. I would make du'a' and try sincerely to change what it is that causes my parents to be upset with me or disregard what I say.
May Allah make it easy for you insha’Allah.
Name
Majed Ali
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Profession
Question
My girl is just driving me crazy. She reasons everything in Islam: why hijab? Why salah? why not wearing tight clothes? why not e-mailing an opposite gender? why, why, why? Sometimes she would not do the thing is she is not convinced. I don't know how I should deal with her?
Answer
Assalamu Aliakum WarahmatuAlalhi Wabarakatu,
Your daughter should understand the reasons why she does the things that she does. If she believes that Islam is the religion of God, then she needs to understand the concept of "sami'na wa ata'na, meaning we hear and we obey the commands of Allah. However, it is critical for parents to appeal to their child environment and sense of reasoning and explain to them in a way that makes sense to them. Yet we need to understand that the fact that she doesn’t understand doesn’t mean the she doesn’t have to do it.
But I feel that parents become too fixated on the rules and forget that we are here creating a relationship with our Creator, seeking his love and pleasure and trying to increase our trust and faith in Him (swt).
Parents need to do the following:
1. They themselves should understand why we do things.
2. They should provide their children with the necessary tools for success. I.e. When I was in high-school my parents focused on fearing and loving Allah, so that I developed the strength to choose what was right when they were not around.
3. Provide alternatives for your children. If you say to they can not do something, provide something else for them to do that is fun.
4. Encourage them to have good friends, and when they do have good friends let them go out with them and be around them. Make it easy for them.
5. Provide them with alternative methods of Islamic growth, i.e. Lectures, camps, study circles.
6. Encourage them and validate their feelings.
7. Let them know that you understand they struggle.
8. Don’t judge them, remind them of Allah’s mercy.
9. Have open communication with them, so that you become their guide and confidant.
10. Be their friend.
Allah knows best.
Name
Editor
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Profession
Answer
Finally, we would like to thank Sister Sara Lawendy for taking the time to answer the questions of Islamonline viewers today, and we also thank all those who participated in this dialogue. We apologize for not being able to accommodate all the questions within the time allocated to this session. If you feel your question is very important, feel free to contact us at EngLivedialogue@islamonline.net and we will try our best to answer your question. We request our readers to join us in upcoming sessions.
