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Name
Shehnaaz
- Pakistan
Profession
Question
Salaam alaikum
I would like to know what are my obligations towards my in-laws? There are not various problems between us, but sometimes I feel that I need to satisfy them more.
Answer
Assalam alaikum, thanks so much for your question. When a person joins a new family his or her life skills are put to the test. There has to be a lot of give and take, forgiveness and broad mindedness from everyone involved. People have different ways of doing things and it is not so much a matter of right or wrong, but just ‘differences’ between people.
As with every other relationship, dealing with in-laws requires these same skills to be implemented. The goal is to cement the family together; to unify the hearts and seek as much harmony as possible. It is important to keep in mind that keeping your spouse happy usually depends on keeping his/her family happy, so this is all the more reason to exert every effort to attain a healthy relationship within the family circle.
It might be helpful to keep in mind the duties we have toward each other in everyday life; including things like greeting each other politely, forgiving and making excuses for each other’s shortcomings, being helpful, thoughtful and going the extra mile. If we can take this spirit into the family circle there will surely be a lot of positive energy.
It is also very important to keep the channels of communication open so you can express your concerns. If the everyday atmosphere within your family circle is reasonably positive, then if you come up with some suggestions things should be taken positively.
So your obligations toward your in-laws are to treat them well like you are expected to treat anyone else; and even more so because they are an important part of your married life. If you are going to give charity, help out, forgive, overlook or doing that little bit extra, then the ‘family’ is the first to deserve that.
I pray that your extended family with will be filled with peace, mutual support and piety.
Name
Farhaan
- United Arab Emirates
Profession
Teacher
Question
Dear Sister
Salaam alaikum
Alhamdulillah I must say that I am fortunate to have good in-laws. I think this is because, we do not live with each other. However, they have also made effort to respect me and to treat me well.
Of course no situation is 100% perfect, but we all try our best to get along and not to get in each others way. This has proved to be healthy particularly for the children.
I do not have a question, but just wanted to say that. Thank you
Answer
Assalam alaikum, thanks so much for sharing that. It’s always great to hear ‘good news!’ Sadly, in today’s world the role of the family, and the extended family, is often overlooked. We should remember that everything Allah the Almighty ordained for us is for our good and He told us to take care of the family ties.
If we take a look at the bigger picture we will see how important grandparents and uncles, aunties and so on are in our lives and they are indeed, even more important in the lives of our children. So keeping those family ties are vital, even if we have to tolerate some negative comments or behavior from time to time. We are, after all, human and prone to mistakes and weaknesses, so forgiveness is a big part of any relationship. If you have managed to forgive and overlook and keep the family together - big congratulations!
I pray your family continues to live in harmony..
Name
Ashraf
- Bangladesh
Profession
Question
Me and my wife have a very good and strong relationship Alhamdulillah.
My relationship with my in-laws is not too bad either. The problem is that My family is not as wealthy as my in-laws. I have a good job, and I am doing my best to fulfill my wife needs, but when I cannot afford certain things my in-laws are quick to point out that they are more than capable of providing for their daughter.
This makes me feel very bad. In fact, I wish I could be able to give my wife everything.
I need your advice, thank you.
Answer
Salam alaikum, many thanks for sharing your situation with us. It’s great to hear that you have a strong relationship with your wife and that your in-laws try to be helpful.
Money is so often the cause of problems between family members, yet, really, it shouldn’t. If we remember that Allah the Almighty gives us our rizk (provision in life), it should change the way we see things. We should trust in Allah that He will provide for us and if we need anything we should turn to Him.
Alhumdulillah you have a good job and in today’s world that is truly a blessing! There are very few people in the world who can give their loved ones everything, so you are not the only one who, from time to time, cannot afford certain things. The trick is to accept things wholeheartedly. You are doing your best, you are working hard, so thank Allah and from the depths of your heart accept what you have and who you are.
If you are able to do this, there will be a calmness and dignity emanating from you and this will have a positive effect on those around you. Try to interpret situations and people’s behavior in a positive way. If you can do this, it will not only help you to feel better, but it will also have an impact on your extended family.
You know the old saying about human perception; we see half a cup of water and if we are optimistic we see it as half full but if we are pessimistic we see it as half empty. Life really is as simple as that. Take on a positive outlook on life, and keep your heart gentle, compassionate and grateful. This will help you to brush over the problems you face, and to pass over the things people say sometimes, and it will also give you more energy and more joy (something lacking in today’s world).
May Allah bless you, your rizq and your family always.
Name
Maryamu
- Ghana
Profession
Question
Asalaamu alaykum
I will marry soon InshaAllah, but I have a small problem. According to our traditions the wife should live with the husband's family. Such a situation make me feel unhappy, as I believe that I have to have my own home. This is something me and my fiancé are able to do, but the tradition holds us back. Even my fiancé is not happy about this arrangement.
We need to know what to do, and how to discuss this issue with my in-laws. On the other hand, my family are supporting our desire.
I look forward to your advice.
Answer
Assalam alaikum, thanks so much for your question. This is an important issue and very common. Tradition has its place in Islam and in today’s world where there is call after call for independence and doing your own thing, it is tempting sometimes to want to disregard it and call it old-fashioned. But really, it is important to step back and take a look at the larger picture to ensure you are doing the right thing.
This particular tradition might not be important to you and your future husband because you live in a different ‘world’; your husband’s parents, however, come from a different time; a different ‘world. Living with them, might be lending them support when they are old and feeble and unable to look after themselves. If this is the case, they you should think about your duty to your family (I mean, you and your husband) and at least, try to live nearby so you can be there for them.
Family is not just about visiting and having good times together; it’s about being there for each other. Family members are supposed to be the closest people to us, the ones who will care when everyone else turns away. As Muslims, we have to do our best to look after our families and do what it takes.
If however, your husband’s family is not in need of you living with them, but it is just an expectation, then he and you should sit down and think out a plan of how to handle things. In the end, you want to maintain harmony within the family circle but you also want to have a successful and healthy marriage. This requires good communication and lots of du’a! It is also important that you both are ready to negotiate and compromise; perhaps living nearby would be a suitable compromise.
If you feel that living with your in-laws will be detrimental to your relationship and that they are not in need of your help on an everyday basis, then stand your ground and find a separate place to live. At the same time, it is important that you make them realize that you are not deserting them, that they will see you often and that you will always be there for them. Perhaps they are really afraid of losing you both so they want to keep you close.
Name
Shamiel
- South Africa
Profession
Question
Salaams
I have a problem. I have a great opportunity to continue my studies, which means that I would have to be away for at least 4 years. This has not gone down well with my wife's parents as she is their only daughter and extremely close to them. But if I want the best for my family I have to continue my education. In fact, some tension has arisen due to the need to travel.
I'm not sure how to handle the situation, as there hasn't' been any conflict between us.
Thank you for your time sister.
Answer
Assalam alaikum, many thanks for sharing your situation with us. You are right, it is very important to further your studies. The economic responsibility of looking after a family requires sacrifices and hard work and Alhumdulillah you are willing to put in the effort.
The decision to travel so you can further your studies is one that should be made by you and your wife. It is not always a good idea for a couple to leave each other for so long while one of them is studying or working; it really does put a lot of strain on the marriage. So if she can travel with you all the better.
At the same time, it is understandable that her family will miss her and worry about her, but if you assure them that you will take care of her and that you have thought of all the aspects of the situation, that should give them some comfort. It is often difficult for parents to ‘let go’ of their children and watch them move away, but that is life. I believe your wife should go with you and keep in contact with her family by emailing, phoning and even visiting but a married couple should stick together.
May Allah the Almighty grant you success with your studies and your marriage and may He soften your in-laws hearts to accept the situation…
Name
Ghada
- Egypt
Profession
House-Wife
Question
My mother in-law is always asking my husband for money, and he always gives her even if we need it more, as he doesn't know what to tell her.
This really gets on my nerves and puts a lot of stress on our family and living conditions.
So, if you can tell me how I can tell her to stop asking for so much and try supporting her self more.
P.S. she has another unmarried son and two brothers, who can also help her.
Answer
Assalam alaikum, many thanks for sharing your question with us today.
The reality is that a son does have the duty to take care of his mother. At the same time, he also has to take care of you, so obviously he is under a lot of pressure.
It might be helpful if you can remember that Almighty Allah is the One who provides for us. Have you prayed and asked Allah to give your husband more rizq? When it comes to changing people’s hearts, the best thing to do is to pray and make du’a asking Allah to soften and change their hearts. At the same time, the person has to be patient, speak gently and be proactive.
I don’t advise you to speak directly to his mother. Most times, that would only make things worse and perhaps give her something to say about you. So speak to your husband, telling him how you feel. But remember the pressure he is under and how difficult it is to make money in Egypt. Try to accept things and live within your means, while seeking help from Allah, staying calm and giving advice.
If the situation gets unbearable, you could speak to a good sheikh and ask him to intercede with you to your husband.
May Almighty Allah grant you all relief..
Name
Sarah
- Palestine
Profession
House-wife
Question
My Mother in-law is very controlling, and she interferes a lot in our life. Even in the way I like to decorate my house. In fact, she spoils my husband and appears to him to be very kind. So how should I deal with her? Thank you for your time.
Answer
Assalam alaikum, thanks so much for sharing your situation with us. This is a difficult problem and I pray that you find relief.
I think the problem is not so much between you and your mother-in-law but between you and your husband. If your husband understood what was going on, I think you would feel less tension and frustration.
It is important that you build up the level of communication and trust between you and your husband. Then speak to him (gently) about the effect his mother is having on you and try to explain the different situations. At the same time, remember that he will feel that he is in a difficult position; where he has to choose between you and his mother. Never do that! Most men will choose the mother. So don’t make it a competition. Make it very clear that you want to solve the problem, and find the best way to deal with things.
If you can go on a holiday with your husband, away from his mother, and spend some quality time together, this might be a good start. Make it clear that you do not ever want to come between him and his mother but you have to define limits. Ask him to help you define those limits; make it a mutual agreement between you both of how you will cope with it all.
I don’t suggest that you speak directly about your problem to your mother-in-law. If she is controlling, it means that she is likely feeling insecure. You can, however, speak to her in a positive way. Tell her good things about her taste, about her son, about herself – make her feel comfortable and that you accept her. At the same time, gently but firmly draw the boundaries through your behavior and the support of your husband.
I pray that Almighty Allah guides you to the best solution…
Name
editor
-
Profession
Answer
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