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Yours,
IOL Homepage Editor
Name
Jehan
- United States
Profession
Question
Assalamu Alaikum Dr.,
I am in a big dilemma... I have been married for 6 years… My problem is that my husband does not pray, fast or give Zakah...When I force him to give Zakah he says US government takes a huge lump from his salary. That tax is equivalent to Zakath… Please clarify this… I am really worried I don't know where my life is heading.. He is also not willing to have kids...He is an American citizen but in all these years he never bothered to apply green card for me.. I travel back and forth on tourist visa.. I am really confused.. I have to force him to pray Jummah that also if he is at home.. He does not believe in going to mosque.. When I listen to Islamic CDs, he gets upset and calls my family Taliban.. Also occasionally when he is out on business trips he eats haram food.. I am willing to bear many things patiently but some scholars mention that it is haram to stay with someone who does not pray, fast or give Zakath.. Please help me sister....
Answer
Assalam Alaykum Sister Jehan,
From what you have written here, I have my doubts that this man is sincerely a Muslim. I am also wondering if he is providing a home, food and clothing for you as he is supposed to.
Also, I am curious to know if you have a civil marriage, or nickah.
Sister, search your heart for what your needs as a Muslimah are. Do you want to complete your deen and live a spiritual life with a Muslim husband?
As far as your right to divorce is concerned, I am not a scholar. You did say that you have corresponded with some scholars who say that it is haram to be with him. I cannot say if this is haram, and I encourage you to submit this question to the "ask the scholar" service on IslamOnline.net (IOL), as the IOL scholars are very respected as are their fatwas.
Actually, it does not sound like the two of you have much in common, and I would guess that it might not be too difficult to persuade him to do so.
Still, you must really search your heart. Try first to have a heart to heart talk with your husband and really try to establish what the issue is. If during a heart to heart communication you find that he is sincere in wanting to be a good husband to you, you might consider praying over this matter. However if you find that after communicating with each other that you simply do not have anything in common whatsoever, then perhaps you could agree on an amicable divorce that you are both happy with. This would free you to live Islamically. I certainly would stop "forcing" your husband to do anything. Be a good example for him, regardless of whether or not you will remain married. Learn and practice Islam, and strive to become close to Allah yourself. It is not you who will ultimately guide your husband to Islam, it is Allah. So, my suggestion is that you continue to practice, and attend the Masjed and make friends with the women in the Masjed, and let him figure out for himself what way he wants to go.
Don't forget to pray for forgiveness for yourself and for your husband during these last few powerful nights of Ramadan. Also pray for guidance in this matter and trust Allah to give you that guidance.
I hope this is helpful to you,
Salaam.
Name
Salma
-
Profession
Question
Assalamu Alaikum!!
In my teen years and my early twenties I was engaged in a shameful repeatedly. I would feel bad and make promises to Allah, if I do it again, let me not have children. But I could not keep my promises and and have broken them a countless times. I am married now and in my late thirties and shameful to admit even now I engage in this (masturbation) very rarely whenever I feel depressed. Me and my husband are trying for a baby but not successful. It is always on my mind the broken promises I made in my teens and early twenties might be a reason. I continually ask forgiveness from Allah for my sins. Is there any other way especially in the last few days of Ramadhan I can do.
Thanks in advance
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Sister Salma,
It sounds like you could not overcome your biological needs at a time when your sexuality was very strong. Stay up all night for these last few nights if you can... or set your alarm clock for 3:00 am. Pray to Allah for forgiveness and to remove these sins from your record. Ask Allah for children. Also, ask Allah, who is Most Merciful, to help you over come your fear of punishment and to allow you to relax in the martial chambers. Chances are the reason you cannot conceive is because you are feeling guilty and therefore, you cannot relax. If you can feel forgiven, and know that your past is no longer with you, you will enjoy your sex life with your husband... and don't try to have a baby, enjoy the sex... this will make your body relax and be receptive to becoming pregnant.
In addition, make sure that you go to a doctor and see if you have anything wrong with you. I doubt Allah is punishing you for this action, which sound like you could not control. If you do have a physical problem that is making it so that you cannot conceive, it is really very important that you take care of this to prevent it from getting worse. Your husband can also be checked, as often, the reasons for not being able to conceive is in the male sperm count, or other male problem. So make sure you rule all of these situations out, and then take the best course of action.
Finally, teach your husband what your sexual needs are... again, have sex, don't try to make a baby... Allah is Most Merciful.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
behesht
- Lebanon
Profession
student
Question
salam doctor,
jazaka ALLAH for taking time and answering my question. I have been married for two years and unable to have sexual intercourse with my husband due to fear of pain. We have attempted twice and were successful and that's it. I love my husband and we want to have a baby and he has been really patient and supportive with me and he always says that it will happen when it's Allah's will. I do believe that but I feel I have to work towards it I have tried various methods and have been unsuccessful, I have told my husband to leave me but he won't leave me. I am so stuck I recently went for `umrah in the first ten days of Ramadan and hoped that when i come back my problem will be resolved.I have been told by someone that someone who does not like me has done magic on me so that I cant conceive I don't know whether to believe in all this I am so confused what should I do...
Answer
Salaam Sister Behsht,
When we are under the protection of Allah, we do not need to worry about black magic. Black magic is done on a metaphysical level that is at the level of mind. Allah is as the level of Spirit, and beyond even that, and Allah is All powerful. Black Magic is really nothing much more than psychic and mental mind games and a distortion of reality. Allah IS REALITY...If you meditate on that and on the 99names of Allah, no Black Magic can come near you.
You can become pain free and experience joy of intercourse. The first thing you must do, is go to a gynecologist and get an examination done to rule out any physical reason for this pain. If there is some kind of low grade infection or other physical reason for the pain, the gynecologist, who is also a medical doctor will be able to prescribe you the proper medication to clear it up in no time at all.
If physical causes of the pain are ruled out, then you most likely simply have a fear of sex, and this fear is manifesting as pain. Also, if you fear the sex, your vaginal muscles can become tight and your body will not lubricate and respond properly, and this can be painful as well.
There are number of reasons why a woman has difficulty relaxing and even fearing intercourse. Often she has the belief that it is dirty, or somehow makes her dirty or bad. Many women are taught to believe this by well intentioned parents who really just want their daughters to avoid premarital sex, but the way she is told about sex makes her believe it is dirty. If she is told this as a very young girl, then she will have to work on erasing this believe, which is simply not true. Other reasons are because the woman has been molested or raped in her past, and again, she may be associating marital sex with that experience. So, if this is happening, the realizing this and clearing up you emotional mind about this, so that you are clear that rape and molestation are not sex, but are rather acts of real violence, whereas sex itself is designed to be pleasurable will help. If you are not able to clear your emotional mind on your own, then it is helpful to talk to a psychotherapist.
For now, enjoy all aspects of sex with your husband except intercourse... go slow, and start with gentle caressing, and then to other things as you feel comfortable. Continue for a couple weeks like that and pleasure each other until you are comfortable with that. This will help your body to relax, and eventually, you will likely be ready for intercourse.
Share this response with your husband. Let me know if things get better for you, and what you think about this being an emotional and/or psychological issues that you can overcome. You deserve to have the experience of martial sex, you are really missing out on one of the most beautiful and meaningful aspects of your marriage if you are not able to relax and be in the moment with your husband.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
heba
- United Kingdom
Profession
teacher
Question
Salam,
FIRSTLY me my husband have been married for 3 years and got married against our parents wishes.we were dating for quite a while and broke the news to our parents but they said no due to different backgrounds,because we were dating we just thought to get married without our parents as they wouldn't agree. Alhamduliah we are both very happy and lead a Islamic life following the basic principles. My parents have never accepted this marriage and and want me to divorce my husband at any cost. I love my husband and my family but I can't bear the grief my family give me and it will only stop if I divorce my husband. I am very confused, I love my husband and family but don't know who to choose...
Answer
Assalam Alaykum Sister,
You are married to your husband and you love your husband. I would certainly not divorce a man if I am happily married, completing my deen, and living an Islamic life. That is very hard to find nowadays. Your family will likely soften over time. They may never really accept your marriage, or your husband if they are prejudiced against people of different backgrounds and culture. Realize that their problem is really a matter of being uneducated and possibly a bit of immaturity. So, you have to be the adult in this picture. You can continue to offer your family your friendship and support as an adult. You can continue to send them kind and loving letters, inspirational words of Islam, and cards on special occasions. Ignore their negativity and do not give their inappropriate behavior any attention. Focus on your marriage and the family that you and your husband intend to co-create together. Once your family sees that you are an adult woman now, living an Islamic Life, they will eventually give up on trying to make you choose. Expect some bad behavior for awhile. But they love you, and eventually, when they "get the message" they will have not choice but to engage in a mature relationship with you, and to let you go so that you can be a grown up woman and wife to the man that is your grown up husband.
One additional thing that I would like to suggest that can make a difference. IF you husband is willing, he could make a gesture to show your family that although he is not going to give up his own cultural values and ways of living, he can and will honor your parents culture. Be creative. Talk to your husband, and simply acknowledge that many families have this problem, as there are many intercultural marriages now... and that your parent are simply not educated enough to overcome their prejudice now. Make sure your husband knows that you plan to support your marriage, and him, and his ways, but that you feel your relationship with your own family might be salvageable if you offer a token of friendship and honoring their ways. It take a certain level of maturity on the husband's part to be able to see the value in this, but if he can, it might make a difference in softening your family's heart in the long run. Try it, and see what happens, then let go of the outcome.
You have a new life with your husband now, look into the future, and pray to Allah to hep you find balance and a restored harmony with your parent. Your focus now is on your life with your husband.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Mofizur Rahman
- Italy
Profession
Worker
Question
Assalamualikum War. Wab.
I have married in 2005 in Bangladesh, After four and half years of our conjugal life my wife wants khula Talaak from me without any valid reason (like physical incapacity, sterile problem or any personal worst character, etc.), just she doesn't like me, for this reason she abandon me. Now she is not with me and she left me before nine months. what is the Khula talaak processing by Islamic shariah? If I don't accept her Khula, than what will happen? I have spend for her and her family approx. 15000,00 Euro(fifteen 000) (including gold and other expenditure). May i ask my gold and money back from her in this case of Khula? I paid her Mahar 6000,00 (six 000)Euro from total 10000,00 (ten 000) Euro. We have not got any children.
Jazakum Allah Khairun.
wassalm.
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Brother Mofizur,
This is so sad. I am really sad to hear this is happening to you. I am not a scholar, and cannot advise you in the matters of Sharia. You may ask our scholars via the "ask the scholar" service:
They are very respected and esteemed and can give you right advise.
I do not believe that a woman can divorce her husband without a Sheik or legal proceeding granting it to her. However, if she is wiling to just abandon you, then you probably do not want to be married to her, even though you are very hurt. I pray you do not generalize this horrible experience to all women. When we get hurt like this, and in your case, it almost sounds like you were robbed... it is easy to believe that everyone of the same gender will be this awful. But trust that this is not the case. I say this now, because in time, when you recover from this, you will want to marry again.
As for getting your money back, again, I would ask the scholars about this. If you are not able to recover your money, then I pray you will be able to recover from this and learn how to protect yourself by getting to know the woman's character prior to marriage the next time.
Please pray and focus on getting close to Allah during these last few nights of Ramadan. This is where you find grace. May Allah forgive us all, and may Allah give you comfort during these times.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
saeem
-
Profession
Question
salaams Doc.
I separated with my wife of 2yrs 8 moths ago. She disrespected and told me she didn't want to have anything to do with me. I moved out and after several attempts to reconcile, I lost patience and said a lot bad things. Her whole family turned against me, so I decided to cut off links with them entirely until she apologies. Allah is a witness that i treated her the way a wife deserves to be treated but i cannot explain why she did what she did. I have always known her to be very arrogant and was spoiled by her mother. The lady is 29 yrs but she doesn't want to let go of her mother!!!The mother is i believe the reason for all these problems and she always interfered in our relationship. All these happened when i lost my job.
We live in the same town and I know they are having financial problems and she wants us to get back together but shes too arrogant to apologize!!!The reason I want an apology is because I was always the one apologizing when we argued even if she was on the wrong. Its now been 3 months since we heard from each other and I have given up on the relationship.Her uncle took my number from a friend. The only reason I bothered to put effort in reconciling was because of our 1.5yr old son. I didn't wan him to be raised without a father figure considering that his mother is not a good role model. But now, am not sure. I gave up soo much for this relationship (I married without the consent of my family and they severed ties with me, plus i lost a chance to work in lucrative family business, and am jobless now!!)
What advice can you give me despite what I have said
thanks Doc.
Answer
Salaam Brother Saeem,
This is a tragic story, and my heart really feels your pain. I see here 6 issues to sort through, and if you break your situation down into these parts, it might be easier for you.
First, while you are separated, regardless of whether or not you complete a divorce, you need to come to a place where you are co-parenting for the sake of the child. Married or divorced, it is in this child's best interest to have the care and relationship with both of his parents. There are skills to working out a system with the other parent so that important decisions are made, and you will have to learn how to communicate with the mother of your child in order to accomplish this. While you and you wife are working our your martial differences, you need to find a way to get her to agree to allow you to be a father to this child and for the two of you to rear him. When approaching her for this purpose, let her know that it is indeed a separate issue from your martial discord, and that you want to develop a good working relationship with her for the sake of this child.
The marital discord is the second issue. I highly suggest martial counseling. If you can find a marriage counselor who is also a practicing Muslim, this would be really good. If not, and your marriage therapist seems to have more western values, you can still learn the skills that you need to improve the marriage. The fact is, that the success of marital counseling lies in the two spouses ability to get passed their anger, forgive the past, agree that they want the marriage and will make a committment to working through the difficulties...then it is learning communication skills and resolving conflict. IF you learn these skills, then you will be successful either with the marriage, as you will come to an agreement on the model of marriage you choose to adhere to, as well as the family system; or, you will be able to work successfully with her as them other of your child if you do divorce.
Third, I wouldn't wait for an apology. And, you don't have to apologize either. From what you are telling me, your marriage has been built on a power struggle, and you just want to end that power struggle now. It has nothing to do with the family system that you want to develop, or the model of marriage you want, or in deciding who is "the boss" etc.. Start by asking her to go to counseling with you for the sake of your child. If, in your heart you are hoping for a traditional Islamic marriage, and your wife seems at first to not be able to humble herself enough to bring such harmony, then be patient and bring up your ideas of how you want the marriage to work later...after you have learned how to communicate and some conflict resolution skills. You can listen to her grievances and issues until she gets it all out of her system without apologizing. This will clear the air so that you can settle down and talk about where you are going from here. Chances are she has some ideas of what a marriage should be like, and you do to. Chances are you actually agree on more than you realize, and you can probably negotiate the rest.
Fourth, your relationship with your parents. Realize that you yourself made the choice to marry without their blessings, and you took a risk when you did that. I know it is difficult, and you feel like you were robbed here, but this is something that you will have to own and not resent her for this. Resenting your wife for this, and blaming her for your not having a good job right now will only serve to take your focus off of the actual issues of relationship and intimacy, and power dynamics of the marriage. And, your marriage issues consists of relationship, intimacy, and power dynamic issues... if those are resolved, then you not having job right now, would become a challenge of life that you would face together as a couple.
Five, reach out to friends and even your family now. Focus on gathering resources so that you can be in a position to find work. Ask the brothers at the Masjed for help. Take whatever work you can find for now. Do not be arrogant yourself and refuse a lower paying job with less status for now. It doesn't matter to Allah, if you are doing the best you can. Get up every morning and set out to look for work as if that were your job. Write your resumes, and make those phone calls, and develop your networking system. This will also help you take your mind off your martial woes so that you do not end up obsessing and making yourself furious.
Six, write some letters to your family. start develop a relationship with them all over again. They might not respond right away, but time often has a way of healing these kind of situations. This is a very emotional issue for you, so you should be writing them letters regularly, even if they don't respond. One day, perhaps they will. Let them know how you FEEL about them, and that you want to be a part of the family. Even if they never come around, you will know in your heart that you have done everything that you know how to do to repair that relationship.
When you see how there break down into 6 interlocking issues, you can see why you are feeling overwhelmed and angry,k and even possible confused. They are all very huge. However, if you write there down, as separate projects, and then write a plan of action for each one, with goals...then you can plan steps and take those steps to get these areas in your life resolved.
As for your wife's arrogance and being spoiled by her mother, there is a good chance that she is torn between feeling the safety of being with Mom, and growing up and being a wife. There is also a level of development when a woman is able to negotiate between these needs, and she learns how to have an adult relationship with her mother, and she then is able to be a good wife. This is a developmental process, and if she does have an overbearing and dominant mother, then it is harder to develop and make this transition. Instead of being angry with her for this, try to understand how scary and difficult it is for her. If you can get her into marriage and co-parenting therapy, she will also get help with the developmental process, since the therapist will see this dynamic and work with her on it. She most likely does want to grow up and have an adult relationship with the mother that she loves, she just doesn't know how. And as long as she is feeling that she has to choose between loyalties, the longer she will be just about impossible to live with as she probably doesn't really understand what is going on herself, only that she is frustrated. So, don't make her choose... get into counseling with her. Arrogance is a symptom of fear. One she feels safe to feel what she feels, and need what she needs, she is likely to apologize to you... but this will take time.
Please let me know your thoughts on all of this, and we can continue this conversation if you like. I will not be here this Sunday, however, I am usually here on Sundays and you can write in. This Sunday session has been canceled as it is Eid.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
saadia
- Saudi Arabia
Profession
doctor
Question
Salam Dr.,
how can people around affects ones personality, especially people who are always have negative approach. how one can overcome those reactions?
Answer
Salaam Saadia,
One sign of maturity, and becoming an adult, is the ability to diplomatically ignore unhealthy criticism and negativity from others, as we become able to think for ourselves. This does not mean that we don't show our parents and elders respect and give them the dignity and honor of their positions, but we are able to be the grown ups, even if they can't be. If you are surrounded by parents and family members who are being very negative and do not know how to be positive and encourage you, then realize they have not completed their own developmental process and have compassion on them. Do not engage in conversations that lead to arguments. Rather, say "thank yo for sharing your opinion with me" or "thank you for you advise"...then, you make your own decision and use the mind that Allah gave you. If they keep repeating the negativity, and will not stop "sharing", then let them know that you have an important meeting to attend to, and that you do not have time to engage in the conversation. In fact, you do have an important meeting to attend to, as you then find a safe place to pray and ask for Allah's help and guidance.
In some cases, an individual needs to change environments all together, and simply move out on their own, if it is really bad. In other cases, you can train your family member in how you want them to talk to you. You can shape their behavior by praising them when they say something positive, or simply keep quiet about something. When they say something negative, you can also say, "I would much prefer it if you could say something positive to me now, and refrain from criticizing me." Another verbal approach is to say, "when you (criticize, judge, say negative things...etc) I feel (frustrated, angry, hurt, etc). Please stop. I need you to be supportive of me, and to encourage me. That is what will help me now."
Your family will probably be very surprised if you behave in this manner as it is a new behavior for you. They may even get together and talk among themselves and wonder what has happened to you, what is wrong with you. Don't take this personally, realize that there will be some kind of reaction when you start to behave in a more healthy and assertive (not aggressive or defensive) manner. You might even see the humor in it as you watch human being struggle to adjust to a new system, one that you are now shaping with the help of Allah..installation. Have compassion and you work toward change and be patient. Do not start to criticize yourself and learn how to provide your own encouragement and positive self talk. Ultimately, it is YOU who you take with you wherever YOU go, so work on being a positive person and drawing positive friends and mentors into your life.
Whether you approach making these changes in the way your family relates to you in "vivo" (in the home)...and you remain in the home, or you see that you will be better off doing this from a distance, and moving out... have faith that your responses (and.or non responses) to their habit of negativity can really be a powerful instrument in shaping their behavior and in developing the kind of relationships that you want.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Mohammad
-
Profession
Question
We are married for almost nine years. From the very beginning she has been showing the signs of characterless and shameless behaviour. We have two daughters. One is 7 another is 3 plus. She does not discriminate, commits adultery though I am in perfect health. I have come to know that this is her because of her family background, her sisters are also like her and they always suggest her to do so. She is very beautiful. I am ashamed, frustrated and donot know how to tackle this. Even in Ramadan, during Sehri period, she brought a guy to the house (a big house - we were sleeping). She is having relations whith that guy for long. She is very clever - it is very difficult to catch her. But her such character is so well-established in my family that even my sisters donot bring their husbands to our house! I want to divorce her - may be this the only way though I sought Dua from differnt Ulema. But I become very nervous when I see the faces of my daughters. As see does not want to leave, I will have to engage in a long legal and societal battle. If she is not cured my daughters future would be affected. I am a university teacher and I am just dying. I am unable to take a decision. Can you give me some suggestion dear doctor? Also suggest me some medicine (with generic names). I do take nortriptotylyne sometimes, but my career is almost finished. I am 43, she is 33. Please do suggest me something and also do pray for me.
Answer
Assalam Alaykum Brother Mohammad,
It sounds as if your main concern is your daughter. You are a very good man and you will be rewarded I am sure, as your priorities are right. I do not know what country you are from so it is difficult to give you practical advice. I need to know what culture is dominate, and what the laws might be in your country. I ask this because we want to know what your options are here.
I understand wanting to let her stay married to you so that your children will have a mother. I wonder if your children are safe with a woman who is able to behave like this. Ultimately you will have to make you own decision, but if you do file for divorce, it is possible that you will also get custody of your daughters. Again, I don't know the laws of the country that you are in.
On the other hand, if you feel that you need to keep her for the sake of your daughters and that this is best, depending on the country that you are in, you could consider a second wife so that you have emotional support.
One thing you must come to terms with, is that a woman who behaves like this is not capable of loving a man. So, don't stay in the marriage with the hope that you will be loved by this woman. If she is committing adultery like this, then she is not your wife in spirit and your marriage is a legal bond only. Seeing a therapist, or surrounding yourself with compassionate friends so that you can recover from his heartache is highly recommended. The decision regarding whether to stay legally married or divorced should be solely based on what is easier on you and your daughters emotionally. You have the right, and owe it to you children t heal from this deep emotion wound. This is take time, but promise me and yourself that you will take the time out to find nurturing people, and to nurture yourself. Honestly, I can't imaging being with someone who is behaving like this. Even if you stay married, for the sake of the children, I would imagine that you would take a second wife who will love you and be faithful so that you can experience a real marriage and become emotionally strong so that you can focus on completing your deen. You have so much to teach your children about living properly, and this is now your responsibility, because your "wife" is not capable of doing that. You are now the one responsible for hating your children Islam, and making sure that their psychological, and emotional and spiritual needs are being met in addition to the physical ones.This woman is not going to do that, this is obvious. I would suggest doing whatever it takes to create the environment where your children will be able to learn right from wrong and receive the nurturing that they need.
As for the medication, it sounds like you can benefit from an anti depressant. If you are using a medication that is no helpful, then you shoudl go to your doctor and ask to try another one. There are so many, that I do not want to suggest a specific medication on line, but rather let you know that some work on serotonin receptors, other work on dopamine, receptors, and others work on norepinephrin receptors. Usually we have to try one, see if it works (give it at least three weeks)...and then if it doesn't, the your doctor will try a medication that works on a different combination of receptors.
In addition to taking the path that will provide the most stability in the end for you daughters (and divorce is probably the road you will want to take), you must learn to love yourself. Do not seek to be loved by someone who is not even able to love, and do not let this woman's behavior lead you to make judgments of yourself and your own worth , and love ability. You may have been overcome by her physical beauty, and thus you felt validated when she wanted to be with you, but don't let that fool you...her interest, or non-interest in you has nothing to do with your inherent worth as a man. You are created by Allah, you are a University Professor, which is an achievement, you have much to feel good about. You are a good father, and you are a man who will find a woman who will honestly love you for the good man that you are. Regardless of the decision that you make as far as allowing this woman to stay married to you and receive your provisions, or if you divorce her, you have the right, and you deserve to be loved, and you will be in the future. Allah is wise and you will be compensated for this tragedy I am sure. Take care of YOU for now, and didn't worry about her needs, as she really is doing the most loathing behaviors that any woman can do. Focus on your work and ask Allah for help with this. Ask your friends for comfort, and get into therapy if you can so that you have someone to help you sort your thoughts and emotions out. Seeing a therapist will help you clear your mind so that you can focus on your work.
Pleas keep writing in and let me know how you are doing. I am usually here every Sunday for a General Counseling session. This Sunday is canceled due to EID, but look for me Sunday after next.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
saadia
- Saudi Arabia
Profession
doctor
Question
how one can get motivation so that one can successful n satisfied e all matters in life.n how much one can ignore the compliments both gud n bad from family friends n other people.if a person esp woman is weak in deciding aur taking decisions but at the same time she is satisfied e wat she has.how can she move on ignoring the family ties n e contention.thanku n luking forward to ur guidence.
Answer
Assalam Alaykum sister Saadia,
It sounds like you are really talking about the striving that a practicing msulimah does in hope to complete her deen.
First, if your mind or your or your attachments get the better of you in a weak moment... don't dwell on that. YOu cannot force youself into non-attachment.
It is through the gradual awareness of Allah as our Rabb, not an intellectual awarness, but the realization within and embraced by our entire "being" that ultimately, we will find our comfort, our hope, our peace, our joy, and our life only in our realtionship with Allah... our consciousness gently and softly shift naturally toward this turth, and as it does, we just no longer crave or need, or desire what we used to...our once passionate needs, become simple preferences...and our time with ALLAH becomes our passionate need.
Think of a baby who is drinnking milk from the breat or a bottle. Try taking that away before he or she is ready. All that baby is aware of is that his or her source of nurishment and life giving sustenence is from the breast or the bottle...but then, little by little, the baby becomes aware that there is something else, something more... and one day, seeminly suddenly somteimes to the parent, the baby just doesnt really care if she or he has that breast or bottle... the baby has grown and her mind is expanding... her interests have shifted... now the baby wants to drink from a cup...
Ulitmately, the only truth is that Allah is in control. This is the secret... and thus, all that does occur is His will...and we receive the ability to benefit from Allah plan for us when we loose interest it controlling our own destiny. It is our little baby survival instinct (the little ego) that has us remain attached to hacing our life go a certin way, to have certain things, for the people in our lives to act a certain way...the little ego believes that if all these dont happen the way we command them to happen, then it will die... and really, in a way the litle ego is right, in the end we will grow our of our little ego, and we will be content with the provision of Allah.
We must be patient with ourselves, as we are simply growing and developing. Letting go is much easier when we are gentle with ourselves.. and the more we let go, the more of who we realy are as human beings, and created souls that we are...
The path to this experience is prayer, reading the quaran, doing good deeds, helping others, and striving to reamin open to whatever path Allah puts in front of us... say YES to Allah's doors for you and they will open... and pray to overcome yoru fears of the unknown.
It wioll seem taht you are more decisive because you will be open to receiving the guidance of ALLAH. It feels like intuition. Once you have established yoru prayers, you will likely be in a much clearer and intuitive space, and you decisions will be based on two thing. What is the absolutely most corect and right action? What dosyour heart and gut tell you, that feeling that you get in the middle of a prayer, that "aha..this is the right way"...listen to these, and then follow... this is folowing the Guidance of Allah... and letting life unfold...
As you practice being a spiritual being living in this world only for a short while, with the hope of Paradise, you will become an example for your family.. the world and all that is in it, including your family belong to Allah... and you need not worry... and Allah will guide you to right acton in all matters if you practice living as a spiritual being and keep up with your prayer...this is one of the beautiful aspects of Islam and the joy of being a Musalimah.
As you experience this different plane of existence, you will want to bein it more and more..if you "fall down" back to the mundane for a short while, you will remeber, and you will surely strive once again to get back to the spiritual existence where you felt that peace and contentment... if you are now feeling one way one time, and another way the next... understand that this is the process... eventually attachments will disolve.. and you will be much more free to live this life of contentment more and more. However far you come this point is fine... let it be and appreciate it, and keep obeying Allah...it is really sooo simple that most of us humans find it very difficult... and it requires the development of TRUST in ALLAH and HIS Angels...and this trust will develop as you practice...
Please remember to pray during the nights and into the wee hours before sunrise each night until the end of Ramadan, and ask Allah for all your needs to be met, for frrgiveness, and for His doors to be open to you..this is the most powerful time to pray and eperience this closeness to Allah...
One day at a time...
Salaam
Maryam
Name
Aysha -UAE
- United Arab Emirates
Profession
homemaker
Question
Thanks a lot for ur previous answers .I really appreciate your reply.It a very long story abt their accusations towards us.In the beginning soon after our marriage me and my husband stayed in our parents home for 6 months.All was well.But there were few problems in our understanding as v both were inexperienced in our marriage v both r short tempered.In the begining i did not know how to handle his anger.But matter never became bad.Durign the time of my marriage my parents asked him abt when he would bring his parents from india cos v had in mind tht let it take atleast 1 year to settle down his parents also agreed tht they wld come to uae after 1 year.slowly my husband changed and told me tht he planed to call his parents in 6 months i agreed.Whenever v both had arguments he used to tell his mom and his mom gets worred and kept sayingto call her soon here.Suddenly 1 day my husband tells me tht his parents r cuming next day. i and my parents felt cheated as to y he didnt inform me earlier.I felt hurt y my husband did not confide in me for this and jst tld me suddenly.V were nto happy they way thigns went .then there was astrain in my husbands nad my dad's relationship.Days passed v shifted to a new home and i started stayign with my inlaws herei n uae.I could nto adjust well in the beginning n v had frequent problems.He could not handel my anger and went n told his mom ,his mom calls up my parents and agn v have a disussion to resolve the issue.when my parents dont want to interfere they forcfully call them and complain abt me.misunderstandings kept happenign and these meetings kept happening but our problems dint stop.during the tiem of my visit to india my mom in law without informing us came to our home with her relatives and started complaining abt me and mocking me.My relatives finally asked me to apologise and sent me bakc home with them telling them i wont repeat my mistakes again on my anger.I agreed went bak to their home.Days passed v came back to uae .i came early with my parents as it was adifferent ticket and myn husband came a day later even then hedint inform me abt his arrival to uae.eventhoug i was hurt i still went home and cooked food and cleaned the house for a few days things went well.Later when i felt hur abt what my husband does even when i ask him nicely he threatens saying tht he shuld not have agree of taking me bak home and should have kept me away from him for few months he was forced to take a decision to bring me back i felt really hurt and he used to get angry .Recently i want to start working sicnei knew tht my husband also wanted me to work i started searching jobs .When i informed him abt an interview he told me tht he dosent want me to work and stay and home and look after the house,i was surprised at his behaviour cos till day before he agreed but suddenly he changed ,when i asked him the reason his mom interefered sayign th i shouldl listen to my husband and nto argue but argument conitnued,i felt i was tryig to explain but my mom i nlaw always pointed out sayign tht i was arguing ,later she called up my dad and asked him to takeme home for few days,my husband and his paretns came and dropped me there my father asked my husband wot the matter was but my husband behaved harshly he told my mom to shut up when she asked him the same question then my dad got angry and asked them to leave the house.Things worsened ,they went to india and want to decide but nothing happend in tht process they wanted me to go throigh a psychiatric test we refused,later my husband arrived bakc to uae and tried contactign me and told me tht he wants the relationship,since then v have been only talking when i asked him to take me home he says tht he still needs time as he is still not okay with wotever happend and wanted me to stay away for 2 motnhs.my parents even apologised callign up in india for their reaction.but my husband and his parents dont agree.later i tried to meet my husband and talk abt things but it was of no use he only kept sayign tht he is tryin.i feel my husband is sitting there and jst noticing wot his mom and uncle are doing.I dont know wot situation is ther now my mom in law dosent even let her huband into any matter so it is only her and her brother who take decisionsin the house .Even my husband is not allowed ,i feel my husband is totally a mother boy ,i feel he is doign injustice to me by supportign his parents and doing wot they say.i am totally lost of hope.please help me.
Answer
Salaam SIster,
You may not have seen it, as it was posted last, but I did respond to this post last Sunday. It seems you are in a difficult situaton. I pray you give this some time before you take any actions. I had mentioned that your son at this time may be waiting for the right guidance as well. His stuggle in this situaion may actually help him to develop his character and he may learn how to negotiated with his family to ensure that he is able to meet his family obligations as well as his obligations to you as his wife and give you the respect you deserve. This will not be an easy task for him under the circumstances. Please read the resonse below:
ASsalam Alaykum Sister,
It seems that you are in a situation where you will have to decide if you are able to live with the family system as it is with your mother in law and her brother dictating how things will be and how you will behave.
Is there any hope of your husband and you living in a home away from the rest of the family?
If this is not an option, then you should decide if you are ready, wiling and able to be obedient to your mother in law. It seems that this is at the core of the issue. You also have to decide if you can "go with the flow" and let thing fall together as they will, and thus not becoming angry when you husband make a decision without informing you.
It sound as if you are feeling pushed out, and as if you are not really his wife, but rather just a servant in the house, and if this is how you feel, it could be the source of your anger. Exploring where your anger is coming from would hep you identify what your issues are and what specific changes you need to see in order for you to be happy in this marriage. This would help you to communicate your needs better. If you can find a way to communicate your needs, you might have a chance of improving things, but like I said, you first need to be able to identify them for yourself.
Consider doing this inner work of identifying what your actual needs are, and finding a way to communicate that in a non-threatening and friendly manner. Take the time at your parents house t do this work, and give your husband some space for now. He is caught in the middle, and he is likely frustrated that he doe not have the authority in this relationship. He shoudl have the authority, and you would probably be less angry with him if you felt he did. You would likely even be ale to forgive him when he makes decisions without consulting you first. So, for now, give him space to work his own problems out. And you work on you for now. Lets keep this conversation going and check in with me next Sunday.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Nathalie
- Canada
Profession
Question
Salaam Dr,
What do you advice a woman who is in an abusive relationship with a man whom she 'thinks' she loves. He has deliberately hurt her in may form of abuses. He has exposed her most private past life to all his friends and family and he is looking for justification for divorce because she is known to all his family and friends to be the most kind hearted person, God fearing and helpful person. she accepts and be patience of her husband because of a terrible mistake she has made in the past and she did not tell her husband about it, it was a lie, no illegal or relationship or messing around, when he found out he made her life like hell and has continuously degrading and demean her in front of people while he leaves on her hard work. Although she repented over and over, he just cant get pass it. She is hang to him as a loose rope. He does not know or understand the concept of forget and forgive. Most mature men would, either you live nicely or you divorce nicely. She does not want divorce and he cant forgive her. He said he will never forgive her. From an Islamic point of view, is he of a normal character, someone who cannot find in his heart to forgive. He has met someone younger and he has portrayed himself as a victim, and now she is guiding him how to proceed with divorcing her. Within his inner self and cautious, he knows although she made a mistake, he would not find a better and more supportive wife who has stayed and supported him when he was at the lowest of his life. what is she hanging on to? Is this an obsessive behavior from her or why does she not want to let go. She is very beautiful and smart but she is like a slave to this none appreciative man. she is practically a slave to him, all she knows is serve and deserve him and be a good wife. Your kind advice will much appreciated.
Thank you
Answer
Salaam Nathalie,
Please don't judge a friend if she says that she loves a man, even if he doesn't seem to be treating her well. Love is a feeling. Your friend most likely loves her husband very much. This is why this is so difficult for her.
What happens on the outside and what is visible to friends and family usually barely touches the surface of what is happening between the two people in a marriage. From where you are observing, it only seems logical for your friend to move on and start a new life for herself. But please understand that it is not always so easy and have some compassion for her.
Neither can we judge her husband. As I stated, we do not know the details of what is transpiring between the two at a heart level. I cannot comment on this man's character as I do not know him. However, I can say that you are correct in that a mature man who is interested in enjoying a successful marriage would use this opportunity of his feeling betrayed to work through those feelings, get to know his wife better, work though the natural defenses that couples have which are caused by fear of intimacy, and hopefully the two would be closer than before and enjoy a deeper level of commitment and intimacy with a stronger bond. That is the positive process of marriage, and even the purpose of marriage. It is these experiences that help us to grow spiritually, and the process of working through our differences help us to understand ourselves and our spouse, even humanity at a more deeper level... and we usually end up closer to Allah as a result. Women know this instinctively. We are wired for relationship, intimacy, love...and it is no surprise to me that your friend is holding on as if for her life in hope that this basic need will be met through the marriage. But instead of you being the one to try to convince her that her marriage will never heal and that she has to leave, let Allah decide the course of your friend's marriage. We do not know why this marriage is taking this path for now, or if it will end in divorce or if the couple will move past this experience and work through their issues, and it isn't for you to decide.
The one situation that it is OK to intervene is when the woman or the children are in danger. In such a case, it is appropriate to have the woman and whomever is in danger to live in a separate dwelling until the issues can be resolved.
If a man or woman is not ready for the journey of an authentic marriage, instead of judging, just let it be. True, the immature person is liable to behavior very badly, yet this behavior is caused by fear. Let Allah deal with the issues of who is right, wrong, forgiveness etc.
What you can do, is you can be there as a supportive friend. You can listen to your friend. You can let her cry. And you can help her by not judging her or trying to figure out why she feels what she feels, and just being there for her if she needs you.
