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Name
amal
-
Profession
student
Question
I have been seeing this guy for 4 years coming up to 5 now. His family knows about me and my family knows about him. We were meant to get married when we get ready. Then during Christmas, he and his family went back to his home town and his grandfather and his other family members back home got him married to someone else. He only accepted because of his grand pleading him. When he came back in January I found out and I was very devastated but he still says he wants to marry me and wants to divorce his wife. I went along with it then in April he found out she was pregnant so he went back to his home town and she gave birth recently. Now he is back and he still says he wants to marry me and divorce his wife. I am so heartbroken from all this and I am a very emotional and sensitive person. I really love him and want to be with him. I have evolved my life around him thinking that we would get married. I don't know what to do.
Can you please help me?
Answer
Dear Amal,
I understand how sad and heartbroken you are however it seems that Allah did not attend for you to marry this man. If it was intended for you, nothing would have prevented your marriage to him. I am also concerned that he was not strong enough in his determination to marry you to fight the pressures from his family.
A man who is not strong enough to maintain his commitment to the women he says he loves and wants to marry is not well suited to marry that woman.
I would suggest you ask him not to contact you anymore and to give his wife and child their due rights, love and attention.
I suggest that you ask Allah to heal your broken heart and bless you with someone who is best for you and will maintain his trust and commitment to you.
Name
zarah
-
Profession
Question
Dear doctor,
I'm writing not to tell about relationship through Internet or long distance relationships. Be sure, they do not work out. They seem to me, like we have a robot at home in which we put our data and we can say everything we want, everything about our lives, our problems, receiving or not good/bad answers, wasting time and after all, if being or not satisfied we can turn off the device because it's not reality.
I suggest Islamonline.net make a poll on the issue about long distance relationship trough Internet to see how many people think it does work. We have to put in our brains that everything is told is not real. Real life is eye in the eye, presence and a lot of things more. We can have a superficial relationship, but not forever. Please, make a poll and show it in a graphic for everyone who wants to see in what relationship through it lasts. I'm sure you'll be awesome with the results. When we become robots, may be this will work out. If we want to find love or a friend we need only to see around. Please, make a poll in your site on this subject, in numbers. I hope you understood my point of view.
And one more thing: I love to read from you on Islamonline.net. It teaches and informs us all the time.
Thanks for everything.
Answer
Dear Zarah,
Alhamdulilah the points I have conveyed previously on Islam online have been helpful.
I can see you are not in favor of using the internet to meet your future spouse.
Generally speaking I also have several concerns about it as well. I have found that the people are not always truthful about themselves. There is so much one must know about a person prior to marriage that I am leery about this way of meeting someone.
When two people do meet by internet it is advisable to have parents involved right away to help the two really get to know each other and to determine if they are honest and best suited.
I am still fairly new to IOL so I am not sure what is in their capacity however if it is possible such a survey could be very helpful.
Name
Inner Peace
- Australia
Profession
Question
I am currently living in Australia and have had a few experiences of talking to people of the opposite sex over the internet. I have found someone in Saudi who I believe to be a suitable partner for me. He has contacted my father but my father has refused for the situation to get any further because it was ME that contacted him online. My father tells me that I need to wait for that person to come. I cannot deny I wish to feel loved but at the same time I want to have this relationship to please Allah, the Almighty.
My parents are telling me that what I did was wrong, but I cannot be convinced. My father is currently very upset with me, as there was recently another guy I responded to on facebook who turned out to be quite obsessive. These two events have resulted in mum and dad seeing me as a completely different person. I have apologized. But what I have done; is it really wrong? What can I do to regain their trust? And if this thing with this man isn't so wrong or haraam (which I'm unsure about, and my friends say its fine but I need another opinion), what can I do to convince them?
I just think I'm going to give up... but I really do have feelings for him. At the same time I hate how my parents see me now. They tell me that "I'm not the girl they knew". I'm hurting. Am I really that bad? I always talk to these people with the utmost respect and fear of Almighty Allah.
Answer
Dear Inner Peace,
I am sorry to hear about your suffering. We are all human beings. We make mistakes and sometimes we err in our judgments. I don’t know you but I don’t see you as bad, rather as having made some judgments that may not have been the best.
Lots of Muslims and people of other faiths are using the internet to explore marriage possibilities. There are many matrimonial sites. It seems that your parents preferred you had taken a different course to meet your future husband. I would suspect they, like many parents, are afraid for you and are afraid the person you meet on the internet will not have your best interest at heart.
They are likely upset because they thought they conveyed to you their beliefs about this and thought you would follow their guidance and wishes and when you didn’t they were disappointed in your actions.
As parents, our children sometimes do things that disappoint us but with prayer for forgiveness to Allah and asking your parents to forgive you and giving them time. Insha'Allah your relationship will be restored.
Now as for whether it is best to entertain a relationship by internet. I don’t recommend internet relationships because people are not always who they seem on the internet and there is so much you need to know about the person you plan to marry.
If two people meet by internet it is very important that the parents are involved right away. You say the man wants to meet your father but your father does not want to meet him.
It is a good sign he wants to meet your father but your father is strong in his view.
I would say that unless your father is willing to see how important this is to you and you cannot find someone to convenience your father it would be better to end this relationship.
Remember that if it is meant for you to marry, nothing can prevent the two of you from marrying, if not now, perhaps in the future. However you always want your parents' approval. Newlyweds need a lot of family support.
Take time apart from the young man. Heed your parents' wishes. Be patient. Give it time. Either Allah will bring you together in the good or He will bless you with someone better.
Insha'Allah your relationship with your parents will be healed and Allah will grant you who's best for you in this life and the next.
Name
Muhammad
- Australia
Profession
Question
I have a brother who just finished high school. He is bad. He hangs out with girls, speaks day and night, watches pornography, smokes, and others. He is in sin. He knows and so do I, but my parents don't. What is the wisest way or the best way to deal with him? By the way, he has had a troubled life. He has always been the type of person where he is always bound to make problems (trouble follows him just as much as he follows it). He had he lived in a non-Muslim family, and he would have been kicked out when he was 12. My father is running out of patience, and the family is going to fall apart soon if he doesn't fix himself. By the way, my brother knows that what he is doing is wrong.
Answer
Dear Muhammad,
This is not really a topic for this live dialogue however I can tell how concerned you are for your brother. He is so fortunate to have you for a brother and your family who must love and care for him.
It sounds like your brother needs professional intervention and spiritual guidance.
He also has to decide that he wants help. Allah says in Qur'an:
"Lo! Allah changeth not the condition of a folk until they (first) change that which is in their hearts" (Ar-Ra`d 13:11)
Your brother has to determine that he is ready to change his situation and his behavior. Your parents also have to engage in tough love.
Sometimes the best way to help the people we love is to let them know we love them but we do not like nor will we tolerate their bad behavior because we know it does not please Allah and that Allah created them to be a better human being.
I suggest your family explore counseling with someone who is a balanced Muslim and has professional credentials in counseling, psychology or social work. Also, I suggest your brother make a commitment to get help, and you keep being a supportive brother who practices tough love with your brother, which means you love him but you do not tolerate bad behavior.
Pray for Allah’s help and guidance. Allah has the power to help those among us who have been the worst behaved.
Name
muna
-
Profession
Question
What time should we pray Salat ul-Istikhar?
Answer
Editor:
We would like to apologize for not answering your question as this live dialogue is not dedicated to these types of questions. Please re-submit your question on the following page:
I and the girl were practicing Muslims. We did prayers, and what is required. I have never looked upon any girls, non-Muslims, where I live. I keep my gaze lowered and striving to do my best as a Muslim. But on a Muslim socializing site, things changed when this girl contacted me. After that I just got distanced from my prayers and everything. I have been involved with a Muslim girl over the internet for awhile. I'd say almost about 2 years. It was she who started to email me and everything, I didn't really feel comfortable. After we talked casually about school, career and stuff, she confessed she "loves me a lot" and asked me if I feel the same. I didn't know what to do, I agreed and said "yeah i feel the same" But I didn't. I didn't like how this was going, but I never said anything about it. She continued with her constant emailing and then we chatted over the messenger. During the talk with her, I was having other emotional stress; at home and etc. I talked to her because it sort of made me feel I belong somewhere, someone cares, though I failed to think that it is Almighty Allah who provides this if I had prayed on time.
One night her parents caught her chatting with a boy, me, and told her to stop and never do this again. I told her, just listen to them. However, she didn't and said it's fine we can just email each other and we "want to get married so it's okay". She is very well Islamically knowledgeable or so I thought. I assumed maybe it is ok, whatever she is saying must be ok, she goes to masjid and etc. I said things to her such as "I love you" when I didn't really. I didn't know what to feel, I just kept going with the flow. We said these three words to each other a lot, emphasized it and etc. She always said we aren't flirting or anything, and I doubted but went on. We also discussed things we have in common and talked about Islam more than ever. So this continued for another year then she was caught again by her parents. This time it was serious and I told her maybe we should stop, but she said she loves me more than anything and I'm her world. I repeated that to her, I wasn't thinking properly! I had no idea what I was doing.
Then we started to talk more intimately and I reminded her...I don't know if this is okay, she said that it's fine as we aren't doing anything just talking about it. Again I agreed with her. So she emailed me a lot from other places since at home she wasn't allowed to. Then the conversation took to the phone, and we talked normally there. But I felt guilty a lot, I felt sad about it but happy at the same time. Our desires got bad, we discussed sexuality topics more. After few talks, I was comfortable with it. It kept going and now two years later, as I distanced myself from her slowly. I was feeling very guilty about it, and she didn't. I didn't understand it because this is the first Muslim girl I have talked to and gone this far! I researched and there were many cases similar to mine! Most of them were about the guy playing with the girl. I felt horrible!! Disgusted, I emailed her and told her we should stop, but she kept saying, I am hers forever and we will get married. I told her, I can't financially support her, this is wrong I don't like it. But somehow she emotionally made me feel sad and I just didn't have the guts to tell her I don't love her or anything. I was scared what if she might do something bad. Then again, she was caught emailing and her punishment by her parents increased. I felt bad, beyond it. I prayed and made dua'a to Allah, the Almighty, to help me. I want this to stop, and I want to repent.
Now her parents were sending her abroad for studies, I was relieved and sad at the same time. The attachment we had for this long, hurt, but it was for better. I stopped replying to her. I made dua'a to Allah, the Almighty, to forgive me and I don't ever want to do this. But, I felt guilty a lot. She wanted to run away from her parents' house! I disagreed with that so much! She kept stressing; our love is strong and we should be together. I don't know much about wali(guardian), but her dad is right that what we did and how I continued to talk to her wasn't Islamically right!
When she argued her dad and said he isn't doing his Islamic duty! I told her, but nonetheless it got worse. I got to the point where I had to stop it. I stopped replying and just ended it all. I made dua'a to Almighty Allah to help me and her. Make her stop from doing this and forgive our sins! And I fear and feel so guilty it's bugging me. I don't know what to do. I am making ton of dua'a to forgive me, doing sincere repentance for it. I am worried what if her father comes to my house or calls? How will I explain to my parents? I don't know and I am feeling scared because I just want this to stop. I made a mistake, I know it and I am trying to repent for it.
What we did is wrong and haraam. And so I am just scared. Will Allah, the Almighty, forgive me? Will I be able to marry a pious sister in the future when I am ready? Will I be punished by having a bad spouse in the future? This bugs me a lot, I have been praying five times during this month of Ramadan. I have been reciting surat Yaseen and asking Almighty Allah to forgive me. But I am just scared; I don't want to be punished by having a bad wife or something. I am doing whatever I can to repent, I give sadaqa (charity) as well. I go to masjid as much as I can when I have time! I am doing everything I can. I always forgive people for their mistakes and how they treated me. But I am just worried. I pray for that girl and family. I just don't want to get a bad wife in the future when I am ready, and this guilt is haunting me a lot. Please help me; I am doing my best to become as pious as I can!
Answer
Dear Brother,
Allah is placed you through a big test. He gives us all tests.
You are human and you made a mistake. You recognized your mistake, ended the behavior and now you are repenting to Allah.
We never know the tests we will face in the future but Allah is oft forgiving, Most Merciful. His mercy far outweighs His wrath.
So I suggest you continue to worship Allah. Be balance in your practice of this Religion. Do not go too far to one extreme or too far to the other. Remember the way of the Prophet Muhamad (peace and blessings be upon him) is balance.
And forgive yourself. Once you have asked Allah for forgiveness. And asked forgiveness of and for the person you wronged and you are engaged in behaviors to expiate your sin you must forgive yourself.
Live a good life and pray for forgiveness.
Remember Allah will not place a burden on us greater than we can bear. Remember that Allah said in Qur'an: "Allah tasketh not a soul beyond its scope. For it (is only) that which it hath earned, and against it (only) that which it hath deserved." (Al-Baqarah 2:286)
Name
sister
- Australia
Profession
Question
Assalamu `alaikum sister,
I am in a situation I am sure not many people will envy, but anyway I am in it and need some sort of resolve. I got married to somebody early 2007. It was our decision; my father never accepted it, but I still went ahead with it. After 3 years I realized the wisdom behind my father's decision. After we got married we never lived together and we haven't seen each other except for on the webcam. And it is almost a year now, that I haven't even seen him on webcam, not because we don't wish to get together, but our life got complicated beyond bridging. He was living in a different country than mine, the visa did not come through, and he was not in a position to support me, so I could not go and live with him. Now he is back in his own country where I am not able to join him either as he is stuck in his compulsory military training for another year and half.
My body clock is ticking away. I love him, so does he, but every attempt I made to make it work just did not work. I guess I am writing to you in desperation to see, if you can give me some insight into going through this challenge of a long distance relationship where neither your total emotional, physical or spiritual needs are fulfilled. Rather you are in constant fight with yourself to stop from thinking about your needs and desires. What a hard test Allah, the Almighty, has put me in. Alhamdulillah.
Wassalam
Answer
Dear Sister,
Long distance relationships are difficult. Your relationship seems to be very challenging for you.
It seems you have two choices. One is to be patient with yourself and your situation until your husband finishes his military training and has permission to travel to see you. Your other choice is to end the marriage on the grounds that your husband is not able to meet your needs since he is not able to care for you, provide companionship or fulfillment.
Don’t be hasty. I suggest that you give it due consideration, that you pray to Allah for guidance and listen to the guidance He gives you. Weigh the benefits and drawbacks of remaining in this marriage. Is staying married to this man good for you in this life and the Hereafter? If your answer is "No" then perhaps it is not meant to be.
Your may want to seek professional help and spiritual guidance to make your decision. Pray the Istikharah prayer. May Allah guide you to the right decision.
Name
amira
- Australia
Profession
Question
Asalamu `alaykum…
My question is that I reach the real age of marriage, but the right man has not yet appear in my life, I am religiously committed, so I don't allow myself to go out with boys, or telephoning to them, and each man who asks for my hand does not convince me. So, I found someone on the net, we seem to be so attached to each other, but without knowing each other, we are from different countries, but I feel after some talks on the net, that he might be that I dream of, but am not yet sure. What shall I do? Is it to continue discussing in limits of course? Or cut this tie once and for all?
Thank you so much
Answer
Dear Amira,
Meeting someone on the internet is very risky. People are not always who they say they are. You rightly recognize that you have two choices. One is to cut it off and the other is to continue.
If you are interested in him I suggest you get your parents involved right away. Introduce him to your parents. Have your parents chaperone your internet visits. Plan with your parents to meet him and spend time with him many times to get to know him. Have your parents meet his parents by internet and then in person. Have you and your parents investigate him to make sure he is who he says he is and determine if he has suitable behavior and temperament for you.
Pray Istikharah prayer. Ask yourself if continuing a relationship with him will be good for you in this life and in the Hereafter. If your answer leads you to believe he is not good for you listen to the answer. If you are not able to meet him and really get to know him I would say this is not a good choice.
Ask Allah to guide your decision.
Name
Nadiya
-
Profession
Question
Assalamu `alaikum…
I have been married recently and due to certain circumstances I had to move to another country from my husband. It seems that this situation will continue for a few years. So far I am trying to be patient with the situation. Could you please advise me how to overcome the loneliness and emptiness that I feel? Also, I need any dua'as to make me more patient person.
Thanks
Answer
Wa `alaykum assalam dear Nadiya,
Speak to Allah from your heart. Ask Him to help you become more patient. Read Surat Al-`Asr and ponder over its message. Read about the life of Prophet Ayoub (Jacob). He faced many trials that tested his patience. Also read about the life of Prophet Yusuf (Joseph) whose patience was also tested.
Read the Qur'an regularly. Remember that Allah does not place on any of us a burden greater than we can bear. Develop your relationship with Allah. Get involved in community service. Help those in need in your community. Community service is good therapy for loneliness and emptiness. Also perhaps there are other women facing the same challenges and you can form a support group to help each other.
May Allah bless and support you.
Name
amal
-
Profession
Question
Thank you for your answer. I feel like I'm so attached to him, and don't know how to pull away. I am always crying about this situation, and I feel that it was very unfair for his parents to accept with the marriage after they knew about me.
How can I overcome this? How can I let him go?
Answer
Dear Amal,
I understand your attachment. It was not right that he decided to marry someone else when he knew you had made a commitment to each other. It was not right for his family to pressure him to marry someone else.
I feel very sad for you but you cannot second guess Allah’s decision. He decided this for a reason. We don’t know what Allah was preventing or what He is making a way for in your life. As hard as it is it is important not to second guess Allah.
Some suggestions:
- Get active. Start a regular physical exercise routine. Exercise makes you feel happier.
- Eat a good diet and proper nutrition.
- Get enough sleep but don’t sleep too much.
- Get involved in your community and with your family. Start helping the people in need in your community. People all over the world are hunger and homeless. Children have lost their parents and need someone to care for them. The earth is suffering from bad treatment. Remember you are created by Allah. You are one of Allah’s khalifah (stewards) on the Earth.
- Engage in Positive Self Talk. Tell yourself, “This happened for a reason. Allah knows what is best for me”. Remember that you are amatuAllah (a servant of Allah).
- Read about the trials Prophet Ayoub (Jacob) and Prophet Yusuf (Joseph) faced.
- Pray. Ask Allah to bring you much better than this person.
- Develop a stronger relationship with Allah.
- Seek Professional help and spiritual guidance.
Name
A daughter
- Pakistan
Profession
Question
As-salamu `alaikum,
I don't know whether my question is relevant to the topic or not, but I interpreted the topic like this. My question is regarding my parents; my father has been living abroad for last 15 years and use to come every year or two and my mother is here in Pakistan because of the education of all of us. In the initial years, my father's behavior with mom was ok, but as time passed it started changing, especially after the death of my grandmother who was being cared by my mother. My dad though very pious person, alhamdullilahas he prays a lot, gives sadqats(charity), and he is good with everyone but he is not good with my mother. He thinks that she has given his money to her brothers, though it's totally wrong, and blames her in a very itching way. And if any problem comes in our family, like if any one of us doesn't get good position or any other problem of children he always blame my mother for this. He doesn't talk to her on phone even. If he writes letter to us, he indirectly teases her.
My mother indeed is very patient, she doesn't show this thing upon anyone but now her brothers and sister are realizing that there is some problem in the relationship of my parents and her health is also going down day by day. Also, my father's behavior with his in-laws is not good. We all brothers and sisters have tried so many times to resolve this issue between our parents but all in vain. Sometimes we used to fight with him, sometimes used to discuss this matter but he always has so much answers that we are even unable to argue with him. He always tells the times when his brother in-law was not good with him and he is taking revenge of that now, but I think this was not the mistake of my mother. Now it seems as if there is no solution for this problem because my father is not ready to be convinced at any cost. I initially thought that, the reason of this problem is for being my mother and father staying very far away, and my father's needs are not fulfilled and that's why he has developed such behavior, but the thing is that my mother was also staying away from him, why she is still so much good and caring for him.
How can we solve this problem, is there any peaceful solution for the problem? I don't want my parents, who have remained so much good with everyone throughout their life and have lead a pious life, go to fire just because of this misunderstanding. Also I'm not in any such position to talk to my father on this issue because I m not in his good books because of one big mistake done by me and for that also my mother is being blamed. Now I cannot see the condition of my mother, and I feel very much guilty as her pain has increased because of me. So I want to take her out of this situation. I need your help and guidance in this matter.
Thanks a lot. May Allah bless you.
Answer
Dear Daughter,
When people hurt other people that are usually in a lot of pain themselves. Your father must be hurting pretty badly. We ask Allah to heal the discord in your parents’ marriage that they may improve their relationship and live in peace or separate in kindness.
Firstly pray for your parents. Pray regularly and sincerely. Ask Allah to heal their hearts.
Have someone who is kind and pious talk with your dad. Ask the person who speaks with him to remind your dad of Allah and the Prophet pbuh. The Prophet never mistreated his wives. His wives had very different temperaments but he pbuh, never mistreated them. Ask this family friend to remind your dad that everyone is concerned about his place in the hereafter and that everyone knows how much he loves Allah.
All of the children together at once should pray for your parents and gently appeal to your father. Ask him to resolve his differences with your mother before Allah calls them back to Him.
Ask your Dad to pray for help so he will be happier.
Ask your mother to pray for your father, herself and their relationship.
If your father refuses to be receptive and continues to be mean and hard hearted towards your mother it may be in the best interest of her health for them to separate. I realize that this not accepted well in many countries and cultures but Allah says live in peace and tranquility or part in kindness. Also He tells us that oppression is worse than slaughter. Marriage is for love, mercy and tranquility/sakinah. As human beings created by Allah, servants of Allah, your parents deserve kind treatment from each other. Your mother deserves kind treatment from your father.
May Allah guide them to the best resolve.
Name
Editor
-
Profession
Answer
At the end, we would like to thank Dr. Aneesah Nadir for her presence with IslamOnline readers today. And we appologize for not being able to answer all questions for time constraints.
