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Yours,
IOL Homepage Editor
Name
Far
- Australia
Profession
Masters of social work student
Question
Salam Dr.,
May Allah reward you for all your support to us. I asked you a question a few days ago regarding my husband not finding job. Now I have another question to ask.
I come from a very unstable family background, where, I experienced childhood sexual abuse, father involved in promiscuity, mother eventually got into extramarital affairs with different men, mental health breakdown, death of my only brother, my son, my dad, eventually, I have chosen the path of Allah...the road to my salvation.
With the grace of Allah, he has bestowed me the most loving husband, ALhamdullilah, Taqwa, and bigger dreams to pursue my study as a social worker, and eventually inshALlah intend to do PHD. My question is that, my mother is still maintaining contact with her (boyfriend) and he has been a cause of our major distresses. To my dismay, he is the son of my cousin, who is 80 years old, living next to our house, forcibly occupied a portion of our house. Because, my mother has relationship with that man, who is lot younger than her, for last 15 years, he has been always imposing his opinions on us, and also harassing us all the time. Often my mom blindly takes his side and make our life miserable. That man's father, my cousin have been trapping us to give them the property. I have decided that, I will give them that portion of our house. They have been torturing us a lot, and my mom has joined them, hence, I had to decide to give it to them.
Now, my question is, my mom and her relationship has been causing us enormous distress in everything that we do. My only brother died (19) was deeply hurt because of my mom's affair. I have tried to explain my mom many ways. But she is completely blind. My question is, what can I do? I am also worried about my mom's future. Will Allah forgive her? She is causing herself so much trouble and sinning a lot. I feel so terrified.
Thanks a lot.
Answer
ASsalam Alaykum Sister Far,
I am having a difficult time understanding how this person can just take a part of your house. Does it belong to you? What is the law where you live?
Keep making Dua for your mother.
It is most important that you protect yourself. You can't help anyone until you take care of yourself.
Please talk to a scholar on our Ask the Scholar section about what you can do both for your mother and to legally protect your home from people who want to take it from you.
Please write in and tell me more, and keep me posted on how you are doing.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
iram
- United States
Profession
student
Question
Asslam-o-alaikum Dr.,
I am feeling that I have problem with keeping up with relationships. I am scared of marriage, or any commitment. My age is 28 years old and I am single.
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Iram,
Relationship and marriage require maturity and the ability to accept responsibility. Actually committment and responsibility go hand in hand. If you are not ready, then don't put someone else in a bad situation. Perhaps you know that you are not yet able to meet your responsibilities if you are married, and you are currently working on positioning yourself so that you can. In this case, you are making a wise and mature decision to postpone marriage until you are in a position to be able to fulfill your responsibilities. If, however, you are able to meet your responsibilities but just want to "have fun"... and avoid the hard work of personal growth that results from living and sharing a life with someone else...then you are avoiding something that is good for you... If you want to make progress in this area, you need to identify what it is you are avoiding. The next step after that is to identify why and what the fear is, then identify ways to resolve those fears.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
fatima
-
Profession
Question
As salaamu alaikum Dr,
I wrote to you last week regarding my issues with rage.
I would like to thank you for your willingness to help me through this as I have been struggling with rage for so long and have tried many books.
I have been doing the exercises you suggested.
As far as the rage episodes are concerned, it seems that it is usually at a time when I have been thinking about other issues.
I have had a habit for many years of rehearsing conversations in my head. Sometimes I do this out loud whilst pacing if no one is around. I have found myself losing up to 2 hours at a time doing this.
These conversations are usually things I would like to say to people close to me but also are sometimes things I would like to say to someone on TV or in the news. I become easily affected by current affairs especially things I regard as unjust.
I feel a lot of guilt about the way I have treated my parents over the years. I have disregarded their advice and talked down about them to, or in front of my brother and sisters. I feel this has been the root of the problems my family are facing now. The other kids do not treat them with respect and do not help them the way they should.
I want to rectify the damage done by me but I do not seem to have the patience to do right by my parents.
I am second of 6 children and I always feel compelled to help out and do the right thing but at the same time feel resentful when too much is put on me. I don't like to say anything because I don't want to make the other siblings feel bad about inconveniences caused to me, but then end up blowing up and making everyone feel bad anyway. Its usually my mum that gets it because I feel misunderstood by her. I hate my two-facedness. I was not really allowed to tell the younger ones what to do when I was younger and still find it difficult.
I understand I have some sort of depression because I often get tearful as well as irritable. Especially just before my menses is due. The children suffer a lot too. I take it personally when they do not do as I tell them . I am 36 and have a 15yr daughter and two sons aged 13 and 4. I lost a boy 8 years ago to stillbirth. Just before this my mum had stopped speaking to me because she was annoyed that I was not listening to her.
I made a decision a couple of years ago that I do not like having run-ins with my mum and decided I couldn't do enough for her. Our relationship has improved a lot since but I still resent it if she asks me to do certain things that I feel she could ask the other siblings to do. I hate myself for feeling like that.
The rage episodes usually mean I shout or start to hit my kids. I do not hit the 4 yr old but have shouted at him and hate myself for it. The kids do usually say sorry eventually although the eldest is not very keen to back down which I find frustrating.
Please could you advise me where to go from here
Thank you
as salaamualaikum
Answer
Wa Alaykum ASsalam Sister Fatima,
Thank you for being open and wiling to find help. Noticing when you feel the rage episodes coming on is the first step. You must find alternative coping skills now. You cannot be hitting your children. That is absolutely unacceptable. It is so unacceptable, that you shoudl find a temporary place for them to live while you work on your own emotional health and learn coping skills. If is absolutely wrong to put them in any kind of danger, as you are their protector.
With that said, I don't want you to judge yourself either. It is obvious that you love your children. Just do your job and protect them.
For now, train yourself to write every time you feel rage. Perhaps you can go got the computer and write in a journal there. This way you can type type type.... later, after you feel better, read what you have written and look for patterns. It sounds like you feel rage every time you experience feelings of overwhelm, helplessness, and powerlessness. You also have difficulty with being able to set boundaries with others,which lead to your accepting more responsibility than you can handle.
You are right, in that you have enough with your own children, and the grief that you must have felt when you lost your son. You need someone to comfort you, care about you, help you. I would feel rage too.
SO, the plan of action will include finding alternative behaviors and learning them until they become a habit, to replace the angry yelling and hitting outbursts; learning assertiveness communication skills, so that you can tell your mother what you are willing to do for her and the rest of the family, and what your limits are; developing a strategy to shift your time and focus on your own home, organizing your own life and your own children; and learning some parenting skills.
This is a lot. It would be helpful to you if you could find a therapist to help you with this. Working through the grief of losing your child is a lot to begin with, and you really need someone by your side when you are ready to complete this journey. Additionally, if I were you, I would talk with my medical doctor about depression and taking some SSRI's while working on your issues. Remember Anger is fear. Fear of abandonment, fear of being alone, fear of failure, fear of not being enough... it sounds like you vacillate from anger and rage to depressions, but both have the same causes... You are not alone... please, please reach out and get the help that you need. Make your children's safety and well being your first priority.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Miss D
-
Profession
Question
Salam Alikom Dr.
Ramadan Karim and thanks for your efforts.
I was engaged to a great man for 6 months. We met through my cousin and his sister who are friends. We had 3 months to get to know each other and we fell in love very quickly. The problem began when I had a medical issue where I had to do an urgent operation to remove some cysts from my ovaries, the doctor found my fallopian tubes damaged entirely and so he told me that my chances of getting pregnant will be through IVF, isa. My fiance got nervous and hesitant to continue especially that we were getting married after 3 months. He thought that this was a sign from God to stop him from continuing because he says the success rates of the ivf aren't very good and that he's scared. We broke up and I lived a horrible week afterward. I felt abandoned by the only person I loved in my life and I tried to talk to him telling him that such things are surely controlled by God and that it's not by our hands, I told him that God is the creator and that he's the one who gives people children not the ivf not anything else. I failed to persuade him. Now I pray a lot to God and I accept God's will regarding my new medical situation. I just cant stop thinking about the shock, wasn't he supposed to stand my by me? Or because I was fine and pretty he was with me but when something happens to me he walks away? Can you please help me in overcoming this shock and whether there is anything else I should have done to keep him that I didn't do?
Thanks a lot
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam,
In a strange way, you have been blessed. If this medical condition has not been given to you, you would never have known how shallow this man's love is. Do you want to be married to a man who is this shallow, and cannot make a real committment to a relationship and marriage and to the life journey with a partner that can bring many surprises, good and bad?
What you have learned is that there are men with different levels of maturity. The ability to bond and experience union with another person required a level of maturity that facilitates commitment.
Now you are free to be available to a man who can love you.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
crying
- Australia
Profession
Question
Salam Dr.,
Thank you very much for taking the time to respond to all our questions, Jazaki Allah khairan.
I wrote a few weeks ago about my older brother, well alhumdullah he is doing better and attending all this community based order work commitments.
The other question I have is about my family. It is EXTREMELY dysfunctional. I am the middle of the oldest girl... I have an older brother who is 24, i am 22, a younger brother who is 16yrs old and a younger sister who is 10.
My family is very dysfunctional.... my parents haven't spoken to each other I'm about 2 months now, my older brother is on a CBO, my younger brother might be expelled from school and my youngest sister is giving my mum a hard time - as she is always answering her back.
My question is what advice can you give me to try and help my family. My dad is not a FATHER figure to any of us, in particular my brothers. He is always at work, and when he is home is out with his family and never takes the time to be a role model for either of my brothers. So pretty much the responsibility of everything has fallen on mother, the raising of my brothers and sisters, taking care of us. the only thing my dad does is bring in the money. He has never taken the time to teach us quran or Arabic, or take us out on trips. He is sooooo SELFISH... its getting to the point where I'm starting to HATE him. He shows no concern for trying to discipline my younger brother AT ALL. i cant stand him anymore.
Answer
Wa Assalam Alaykum Sister,
The most effective thing you can do for your family is to take care of yourself. I know this sounds counter-intuitive. But, if you make yourself strong, and find a way to make a life for yourself, you can model this to your brothers and sister. You can be available to them if they want to talk. You can comfort them. But your main focus right now needs to be on your survival and on becoming strong so that you can grow up and live your own life. Seek healthy role models for yourself, and seek guidance. Develop your own life goals, and ask Allah for the strength to peruse them. Your siblings will see your quiet strength, and they will look to you as their role model. One day at a time. Remember all of your siblings are in the loving hands of Allah... Sometimes the less we try to control the environment around us, the more we experience Allah's miracle...sometimes we need to get out to His way...work on your response to this unhealthy environment, keep your own responses mild, and move through this... until you can get out.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
hurt
-
Profession
Question
Assalam'alaikum Dear Dr.Maryam,
A boy growing up seeing his father & grandma condemning & mistreating his mother, what this boy is going to be like when he will have his own family? will he treat his wife same like his father did to his mother or will he do the opposite?
Jazakillah khairun.
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Sister,
This is indeed an excellent question. Although the risk of such a boy becoming an abuser himself increase, don't automatically assume that such a boy will. Many children seek to find the answers to life misery...and seek better ways of living. Children who are exposed to violence and abuse and degradation of their mother are indeed affected...this is a fact that can't change. But what we cannot predict is how the child will respond to this stress and injustice. Whenever the mother is abused or degraded, so to is her child, and the child feels this pain..even if he or she cannot process it mentally... For example, I know of a young man now who is almost 25 years old. He witnessed his mother being beaten, degraded and tortured... it hurts his soul.... Instead of becoming an abuse himself, he sought out the answers as best he could to make sense out of his own identity as a man, where his anger comes from, his loss and feelings of grief about not having a father that he could admire, look up to, relate to and emulate... and his natural desire to love and have (yes, men still want a woman to keep and have, like ... the woman belongs to him)... He found his natural protective feelings...and was able to resolve the feelings of helplessness that he had when he wanted to protect his mother, but he was just to little...and he was under the authority of his father, the only authority he had, and needed... coming to terms with that, he did not identify with his oppressor/abuser... and therefore he did not become like him. He was able to find out some good things about this father, so he could keep that apart inside himself, and grow into an individual man, with faith in Allah... he turned to healthy mature mentors in college...and he is now seeking to marry. I am amazed at how sensitive he is, how nurturing and protective he is toward women... he want nothing more than to prove and protect and love a woman who will bring children into his life. And, when he becomes a father, he plan to consciously be a good and present father... this whole process of marriage and fatherhood will hep him heal from the wounds... and those wounds made him who he is today, someone who is willing able, and desirous of marrying a woman and taking good care of her, honoring her as a woman, and protecting and loving her...so, what woman could ask for more? And this young man was exposed to the worst of the worst... go figure... Having healthy mature adults around to help the little guy sort out his painful feeling will help a lot. Also the mother should consider if there is anything she can do to change this environment. The son will have more respect for her if she finds a way to safely stand up for herself.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
ali
- Afghanistan
Profession
teacher
Question
Salam
My name is Ali from Afghanistan. I have a problem that I can not do good sexual relation with my wife, and I'm not a father so now.
which are the effective ways, eating, sport, or ...
will be waiting for answer.
manana (thanks)...
Answer
Wa Assalam Alaykum Borther Ali,
I need to know more about your situation. You certainly need to rule out medical causes for your inability to have sexual relations as there are some serious medical conditions that need to be addressed if you are a victim of one. If the issue is emotional or psychological, then I might have some ideas that would be helpful for you. But again, I would need to know more about the situation.
AS far as enjoying intimacy... there are many creative ways to bond in a sexual manner without penetration and/or ejaculation. You and your wife could go to a couple's counseling with a therapist who can guide you if you need further advice on this... and there are many books on this subject... so you could buy one in privacy...and have fun together as you explore each other in new ways.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Sara
- Canada
Profession
Financial Advisor
Question
Salaams Dr. B,
We have communicated many times regarding my unmarried and childless status.
It is now Ramadan. I would really like to hear what you have to say about my current thoughts, which are as follows.
I try to be more spiritual during Ramadan; sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't -- every year is different. I would say i have been more spiritual over the past several Ramadans. I pray A LOT, try to be more charitable, etc. Sometimes I get up for night prayer, too. I have heard that God hears all of our prayers during Ramadan and will answer them.
So, I continue to pray for a good husband and that it is not too late for me to become pregnant and have babies. I know at my age (39) that is an unrealistic wish. I have prayed ardently for this for years and especially during Ramadan. You wrote once in your message to me that God has already answered my prayer but I refuse to accept it. So now when I pray for my hearts desire during Ramadan, I feel like the prayer is futile...in other words, I make the prayer knowing it won't be answered. Do you ever feel that way? God always gives us a way out of misery, but I feel that this, the most cherished of my hopes and dreams, God (1) will not give to me, despite my ardent prayers, and (2) will not put alternatives in my way or even alleviate my loneliness and unhappiness.
Do you ever feel that you are praying for something knowing that it will not come true? It hurts badly, because all my life I felt that God had blessed me in other ways, such as giving me wealth, education, a successful career and good health.
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Sister,
I do believe that there is a husband for you. However, I am not sure you are ready to give up your current lifestyle to make room for the lifestyle of marriage. It is very difficult to leave something that has shaped our identity. The definition of marriage in Islam is different than what many of us in the Western world are seeking today. You would most likely have to move to an area where there are available men...and that would mean giving up your career as you know it. In California, there are men who would marry a woman who want to be obedient to them and have their baby. At age 39, you can still have a baby. Your life would change dramatically. You would have to change a lot of habits in order to make such a marriage work. Are you ready for that? Is this what you really want? Are you ready to stay home with a baby instead of going off to work in the morning? Are you ready to live on less money than you are used to? What do you really want?
Motherhood and wifehood are about submission, and allowing, and accepting the provision of a man and Allah... you don't make anything happen, you are not the boss in such an arrangement...you don't get to give orders or demand things to go your way... you don't get the same kind of recognition...and once you enter wifehood and motherhood... ignorant people will think you don't know how to do anything, and are uneducated... so, be sure you know what you want... then if you still want to experience the feminine side of life... let go of the masculine energy that so many of the western women have cultivated. We have cultivated this energy within ourselves, because we had no one to love us, no one to protect us,...we had to survive... well sister, to be blunt with you... you have done a great job of this... but now you are hungry for what all women are truly hungry for.. but you have to let go of all that programming and submit and allow if you really want to experience the feminine side of life..and there is no glamor, there no one acknowledges your accomplishments...because being a wife and mother isn't an accomplishment, is is the art of loving... and it is what it is, for its own sake... it is a beautiful side of life... but you have to be ready for it.
The first step is to practice not telling Allah, your creator, and your provider what to do. If you have surrendered your life to Him, you would be asking Allah how He wants to use you, not telling him what to do with the life that He gave to you.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Fiza
- Malaysia
Profession
Executive
Question
Salam,
I was born a Muslim and have been a strong believer in the religion. However, lately I have been thinking about a couple of things, mainly those that relate to women in Islam. I heard a lecture by this Ustaz one evening and he gave the example of this woman during the time of the prophet who was prevented by the prophet to visit her sick and later dead father because her husband was not home to give her the permission. So, the Ustaz emphasizes on the importance of asking for permission from your husband before you leave the home. My 1st confusion is, why would the prophet prevent this lady from visiting her sick father who later died! Isn't that illogical and pure cruelty? Why would her husband have any objections for her to visit her own dad? Also y cant husbands and wives be mutual about things? Instead of using the word 'permission' we ought to consider that a woman and the man should tell each other of their whereabouts out of concern and mutual respect? This question and concern in my head has not really shaken my belief in Allah or Islam, but it just got me to think, which is why i would appreciate another opinion on it. Thanks
Answer
ASsalam Alaykum Sister Fiza,
To better understand the context and the meaning of this example, please submit this question to our esteemed scholars at "ask the scholar".
My own experience has been that the scholars attempt to understand the context of scriptures and not just one sentence or paragraph, and they attempt to uncover the actual principle and meaning behind it.
Most of what I understand is that woman are to be protected. I do not know the circumstances or the context of this particular story, but perhaps she was living in a more dangerous area. In those times, men would be the ones to know if it is safe to travel. Like I said, I don't know the context of this story. We don't always know the reason behind a command of our Lord, but if our hearts are wiling to submit to Allah, and follow the "rules" as laid out in the Quaran, then our chances of being safe will increase. IN most modern marriages, permission of the husband is assumed or implied when it comes to practical and logical everyday living. I would guess that is a sister's husband objected to her leaving the house, that he would have a good reason. If he is just being silly, and a bully for no good reason, surely Allah will take note of that.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
hurt
-
Profession
Question
Assalam'alaikum Dr. Maryam,
I wrote to you about husbands not trusting their foreign wives. may be you have never lived in an Arab country so you don't know deeply how they discriminate the foreigners and the foreign wives. one of my friends has been mentally tortured for years & some times being beaten up & her husband threatened to kill her even. There is no NGO nor counselor, even her embassy advised her to run away from there. she doesn't want that the children should be raised in his husbands custody nor in any Arab countries so they wont inherit the discriminatory, disrespectful & suspicious character, & the daughter should not be mistreated by the men as its in their culture.
They are Muslims but they don't act as Muslims should be. this is most heart breaking for us revert wives. They don't give any freedom to the females, they treat them like slaves. they can ban the travel of their wives, daughters in court easily by making fake cases against them. If they kill you, they can only claim it as honor killing & they can walk out free. Can you give some advise to her? I have asked her to write you at yr email address, but it seems she is not comfortable doing this right now, there are so many unsettled matters she is facing now. may Allah swt protect her, guide her and give her relief soon, ameen! Jazakillah Khairun
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Sister,
As a Psychologist, I can talk about relationship and the dynamics of behavior and of mental health issues. If someone is in danger of his/her life, it only makes sense to try to escape. If escape is not an option, then one must use their wit and analyze the behaviors of their captors. If the woman you are talking about is American, perhaps she can find a way to the Embassy and stay there until help arrives. I am confused as to why a woman would move to a country if she doesn't know what she is getting herself into. Islam does not teach women to put themselves in danger. I have many, many years of experience with domestic violence. If you can explore the ways in which an escape is possible, then you might be able to hep your friend. However, outside interference will aggravate the situation and can put your friend in even more danger. What you can do, is find out what her options are, then let her know that if and when she is ready, you can hep her. Again, the advise that I gave about learning the behaviors, thought processes, and manners of the women who are born tot he country, and learning their cultural norms and adopting them is wise at this point. It will help your friend understand her husband and possibly improve the marriage. IF it doesn't, and he is truly a psychopath, then she will learn what to do in order to appease him temporarily while planning her escape.
Remember, woman often go back two to three times before they are ready to leave for god. Each time a woman leaves a violent partner, when she comes back, her risk of being killed is more severs. Your job is simply to give her the phone numbers and the information that she needs. Then let her know you are there for her when/if she is ready. Once she is ready, help her to develop a plan of action and then help her execute it. But remember, if she moves sooner than she is ready, and ends up back in the situation, she will be in more danger than she is in now. This is the nature of domestic violence, and why we are advised in the US to keep the police OUT of it, and we help the women escape to safe houses...they literally sneak out of the house...and they plan it ahead of time if possible, and they do everything they can to prevent the abuser from suspecting... unless she is ready for all that, leave it alone.
Since things are so bad there, there is a possible of an underground sisterhood... but she shoudl be very careful. I do believe that if she can get to the Embassy, and write some letters from there to the Government from where she came, she might get help from her own government.
Remember, this is her choice, not yours. This is her life, not yours.
Once she knows that you are available to her, leave it at that. You have enough to worry about in taking care of yourself.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
crying
- Australia
Profession
Question
Salam Dr.,
Thank you very much for taking the time to respond to all our questions, Jazaki Allah khairan.
I wrote a few weeks ago about my older brother, well alhumdullah he is doing better and attending all this community based order work commitments.
The other question I have is about my family. It is EXTREMELY dysfunctional. I am the middle of the oldest girl... I have an older brother who is 24, i am 22, a younger brother who is 16yrs old and a younger sister who is 10.
My family is very dysfunctional.... my parents haven't spoken to each other I'm about 2 months now, my older brother is on a CBO, my younger brother might be expelled from school and my youngest sister is giving my mum a hard time - as she is always answering her back.
My question is what advice can you give me to try and help my family. My dad is not a FATHER figure to any of us, in particular my brothers. He is always at work, and when he is home is out with his family and never takes the time to be a role model for either of my brothers. So pretty much the responsibility of everything has fallen on mother, the raising of my brothers and sisters, taking care of us. the only thing my dad does is bring in the money. He has never taken the time to teach us quran or Arabic, or take us out on trips. He is sooooo SELFISH... its getting to the point where I'm starting to HATE him. He shows no concern for trying to discipline my younger brother AT ALL. I can't stand him anymore.
Answer
Salaam Crying,
In addition to my earlier answer to you, I wanted to mention that we have been writing aback and forth for some time. I realize that you are likely trying to find a way to convince your father to be more supportive of your mother and to stand up and accept his responsibility as a father. I feel your anger and resentment for him. He has issues inside himself that are preventing him from moving forward in this direction. Unfortunately, there may not be a whole lot that you can do that would make the situation more functional. Once you have attempted to have a heart to heart talk with your father, and he knows your feelings and views, you really have to let go and focus on becoming a strong woman for the sake of your siblings and yourself.
Your parents will change when they choose to...They will accept their responsibility as parents when they are ready... now is the time for you to do your best with the tools you have available... and as I mentioned before, you might try having family meetings with your siblings... even see if you can encourage an older brother to become strong and be a father figure to the younger one...if he is open to it. One day at a time.
Please keep writing and tell me what is happening here. I understand it is hard to have to grow up fast and rely on the strength that Allah has given you. My prayers are with you.
Salam,
Maryam
Name
Aysha -UAE
- United Arab Emirates
Profession
housewife
Question
Salam Dr.,
I am 23 years old and married for 8 months.I am the only child to my parents and my husband is also an only child.He lost his sister 2 years back when she was 16 due to pneumonia. Our 1st 6 months months of marriage went well but after that when his parents came to UAE when we shifted to new flat problems started.The matter went till India and finally my faults only were brought none of my husband's came out.I still accepted and went back to his home.We returned to uae and arguments started again. Then my mother in law called my father and asked him to take me bak for 2 days.My husband came n left me then he spoke disrespecfully to my parents.My father got angry and asked him to go out of the house if he didn't speak politely.Matters heated and they left our house. Then my husband and his parents went to India. We called up there and my parents later apologized for their behavior. But they didn't listen.MY husband talked to me from india in a very harsh way but i kept quiet.After he returned he tried contacting me and tld me tht he wants to keep the marriage.I tried to convicen him to meet me to talk thigns out.With great difficuly i met him and talked to him for wot all has happend but he kpet on poking abt wot my parents did.When i point out wot he also did was wrong he never agreed.I wanted him to take me to his hom soon but he wanted to delay for 2 months i dont why,when i asked him he simply tells me he needs time to overcome the situation,but he kept calling me n telling me tht he cant stay without me,i am confused if my husband really loves me he wld take me home soon,i feel tht he is pressurised by his parents n relatives.they had recommened him also to take me to a psychiatrist cos they tell him i need behavioural therapy which neither me or my parents agree,i feel hurt how my husband listens to all this and stays quiet.My husband once telss me that he will not leave me and other time tell me tht i have not changed and he has to think over again,he confuses me.His mother controls him cos she also has control over her own husband thesay way my father in law is not alolwed ot interfere in this matter at all he is kept away from all this,i dontk now how to trust this family and go back cos my husband does not think from his own mind i fear how he will look after me,v tried to sort situation out by calling his former boss who is a neutral person but they didnt agree n termed him as outsider.they only want their reltives to be in this and not any1 else.what should i do.MY husband plans to go bak to india forever and take me with him.this was also planned suddenly when our arguments increased.WE think he has the intention of moving me away from my parents.we r scared and worried.pls help brother.thank you very much
Answer
Salaam Sister Aysha,
I am going to tell you a secret.
Many people use the idea of therapy as a weapon to degrade the person that they are in a power struggle with. They say "You need to see a psychiatrist, or psychologist!" They try to twist things to mean that the person they are in a power struggle with has a mental or emotional problem..and isn't acting like any normal person would under the circumstances... this is just a way to WIN at all costs. It is sad, because it puts a wall up that prevents real communication and intimacy...which stops the flow of love and harmony. I see it happening all the time.
Here is the secret... if you went to a good therapist, and told him or her this story, they would be wise to this, and would affirm your mental health. Also, you would learn techniques of communication and healthy boundaries so that people can push you around like this anymore. All the while, the husband thinks he "won"...but really, your therapist would teach you how to put him on a behavior program without him even knowing it! You would learn what you can do to help the relationship, communication methods to try, and conflict resolution strategies... and you could tell yourself, that after you have tried all these, if the marriage doesn't work, then your husband really needs help... and that is his problem... and you will walk away feeling good about yourself... if the marriage does work, then you would have used the tools that you learned from therapy to break through his dysfunction...
So, what I am saying, is call him on his bluff.... go to therapy, and see what happens!
Salaam,
Maraym
Name
eman
- Australia
Profession
Question
Salam Dr ,
I'm 22 yrs of age and upon reaching the age of 20 fell into depression and things lead to me becoming more religious ( I am a born Muslim,) I just began to really start practicing. A few things lead to this state alhumdullah, but I remember a dream I had which played a big role. In the dream it was judgment day and Allah swt was going to judge us, and I had sins which lead to me to hell, but in the dream i was crying and saying "please Allah swt give me another chance so that i go back to earth and do good deeds, i want another chance" sunhannalh. That really led to me becoming religious, alhumdullah.
Recently i have been slacking off and i keep having this same dream. Where i am asking for another chance its judgment day. These dreams scare me very much ? Do you by any chance know much about dreams?
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Eman,
It sounds to me as if your dream is your subconscious helping you to get back on the right track. You are blessed as many of us slack and "fall asleep" .......... in other words, you have built into your own system a "wake up call"... Once you are confident that you are practicing according to your conscience, this dream will not manifest. You may have inner conflicts and questions to resolve, and you are being prompted to seek within yourself what is right and what is wrong. Usually when we "slack" we are questioning the validity of the action... so, if you have doubts, and want to feel conviction that something is either the right or wrong action... or believe etc... then actively peruse knowledge concerning the area of doubt... then, make sure you follow your moral compass, and if you are confident about something, have a strong conviction, then stay true to yourself by following those moral convictions.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
sister
-
Profession
student
Question
Asalamualikum Dr., and ramadan mubarak.
I am in my twenties and am over weight and people mostly family don't spare a moment to tell me about it. its frustrates me and i become rude with them even though i know they are right. i feel inferior and ugly.
how do i get or practice will power
Answer
ASsalam Alaykum Sister,
Actually, I don't think your weight is any one's business but yours. You know if you are healthy or not. You know if you like the weight you are. If the day comes, and you decide that you want to start the hard work of losing weight, that will be your decision and for your own reasons. Allah made all of us different. No reason to feel inferior. It is ignorant people that tell other people what to do or give solicited advice. Forget about will power. Even in loosing weight, if you decide that is what you want to do...forget about willpower. Work on loving yourself, as Allah loves you..a beautiful creation of Allah... you are His beloved child..and you are beautiful. Tell yourself affirmations daily..."I am beautiful" "I am lovable". Now, when someone tell you their own ignorant opinion, just tell them that their opinion was not solicited by you. That will shhhh them.
I can't tell by this e-mail if you want to loose weight or not...but like anything that takes a lot of work..the mission of loosing weight is accomplished by developing one little good habit to replace one that is causing you unwanted weight (make sure you don't want your weight before you try to loose it...this is your life)... and it is a long process... it is a one or two year project... and is a much larger endeavor than most "skinny" people realize... so.... put loosing weight into the category of personal development and personal goals....and when you decide what personal development goals you have, prioritize them...and if and when you are ready to loose weight... make sure you don't have a lot of competing projects..and do it for yourself...again, its no one's business
Now... something to tell yourself.."what other people think of me is none of my business"...this will encourage you to not care what others think! Eventually, they will leave you alone. If they don't want to know you for you, you don't need them in your life.. The opinions of others is the extra weight that you might consider loosing first!
Finally...learn this song (I can't give you the tune but the words are great; It is Unity Song, which is an Interfaith spiritual organization)
I love myself the way I am, there's nothing I need to change.
I'll always be the perfect me, there's nothing to rearrange.
I'm beautiful and capable, of being the best me I can.
And I love myself, just the way I am.
I love you the way you are, there's nothing you need to do.
When I feel the love inside, it's easy to love you.
Behind your fears, your rage and tears, I see your shining star.
And I love you, just the way your are.
I love the world the way it is, cause I can clearly see.
That all the things I judge are done, by people just like me.
So 'til the birth of peace on earth, that only love can bring.
I'll help it grow, by loving everything.
I love myself the way I am, and I still want to grow.
But change outside can only come, when deep inside I know.
I'm beautiful and capable, of being the best me I can.
And I love myself, just the way I am.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Nazar
- India
Profession
Question
here this is a page from Rajayoga by swami vivekananda as it mentioned Prophet Muhammed -`` We find, in studying history, one fact held in common by all the great teachers of religion the world ever had. They all claim to have got their truths from beyond, only many of them did not know where they got them from. For instance, one would say that an angel came down in the form of a human being, with wings, and said to him, "Hear, O man, this is the message." Another says that a Deva, a bright being, appeared to him. A third says he dreamed that his ancestor came and told him certain things. He did not know anything beyond that. But this is common that all claim that this knowledge has come to them from beyond, not through their reasoning power. What does the science of Yoga teach? It teaches that they were right in claiming that all this knowledge came to them from beyond reasoning, but that it came from within themselves.
The Yogi teaches that the mind itself has a higher state of existence, beyond reason, a superconscious state, and when the mind gets to that higher state, then this knowledge, beyond reasoning, comes to man. Metaphysical and transcendental knowledge comes to that man. This state of going beyond reason, transcending ordinary human nature, may sometimes come by chance to a man who does not understand its science; he, as it were, stumbles upon it. When he stumbles upon it, he generally interprets it as coming from outside. So this explains why an inspiration, or transcendental knowledge, may be the same in different countries, but in one country it will seem to come through an angel, and in another through a Deva, and in a third through God. What does it mean? It means that the mind brought the knowledge by its own nature, and that the finding of the knowledge was interpreted according to the belief and education of the person through whom it came. The real fact is that these various men, as it were, stumbled upon this super conscious state.
The Yogi says there is a great danger in stumbling upon this state. In a good many cases there is the danger of the brain being deranged, and, as a rule, you will find that all those men, however great they were, who had stumbled upon this superconscious state without understanding it, groped in the dark, and generally had, along with their knowledge, some quaint superstition. They opened themselves to hallucinations. Mohammed claimed that the Angel Gabriel came to him in a cave one day and took him on the heavenly horse, Harak, and he visited the heavens. But with all that, Mohammed spoke some wonderful truths. If you read the Koran, you find the most wonderful truths mixed with superstitions. How will you explain it? That man was inspired, no doubt, but that inspiration was, as it were, stumbled upon. He was not a trained Yogi, and did not know the reason of what he was doing.``-/ ...Do you agree this? http://www.geocities.com/athens/olympus/5208/rajayoga/samadhi.html
Answer
Assalam Alaykum Nazar,
You are very knowledgeable. Are you aware of the theories of quantum physics,and the Theory of relativity? Are you aware that the theory of quantum physics, which is almost universally accepted among scientists now, does not appear to be congruent with the theory of relativity? Yet, both see to be undeniable true..How can both principles/laws be at work at the same time? Contemplate this, and you will become even more enlightened, my friend... Allah is Infinite.
Allah contains All that there ever was, is and will ever be... Allah is not limited Alhamduillah! No single religion can come close to realizing a concept of Allah that will touch the completeness of
Allah...........Alhamduilah! Thus, it is in our own best interest to submit to Allah.......If you practice Islam, and stay close to your prayers, you will not loose your mind as is expands to greater understanding and awareness... as mind is an expression of Allah... the beauty is, there is no middle man telling you how to think... If you accept the advice and recommendations provided in the Quran, you will be safe from mental illness. If you have a chemical imbalance to begin with, Alah is merciful.
You are very intellectual, and you mind is entertaining you.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
muslimah
- Pakistan
Profession
student
Question
assalam o alaikum...i wrote to u last week about my fears after my break up...i have analysed about where my fears are coming from...before my breakup..i was confident and i had a good self esteem...i knew i could achieve my goals if i work hard but i was afraid to outshine my fiance and i felt i suppressed my ambitions while with him...after i broke up i lost all my confidence and self esteem...i had to face svere acne for almost last one year and i suffered a lot becoz of this...i lost my confidence coz of acne and bcoz of my fear that i may not find anyone else and end up being a burden on my parents...i fear i will be punished for breaking his heart and the same will happen to me..i fear my parents will suffer becoz of wat i have done...my biggest fear is actually wat i have done...in our society and the class i belong to...its not a norm that girls reject they guy after an engagement period...altough my parents supported me all along..but the fears dnt go away...i fear not coming up to the standards of society and failing to fine a suitable partner...i have a good job now and im working hard on it...i am doing well but i dnt appreciate myself for my goodwork...im always judging myself crtisizing myself and hating myself..i have lost my pride and i find it difficult to breathe sometimes...i have gained weight...my harmones are all upset...i feel everything is just going wrong in my life...i fear Allah will not be merciful towards me and punish me...when i pray and pray for a long time i do find that inner peace and my connection wid Allah and i feel everything will turn out right...but then again i loose it..i say my prayers...but they are not always very connected...i miss my connection with Allah and when i pray i there are voices in my head telling me im praying to get some worldy benifits..voices like..i dnt really know what Allah is and im just praying for the obligation and worldly benifits..and so i will not be rewarded...i feel like a hypocrite before Allah...i feel He is veryyy angry at me...and will never forgive me...
i just want a peaceful life...a nice small home and a caring partner...i dnt want luxuries of this world but a comfortable and ambitious living...but i fear i will be denied all this..i judge myself alll the time...and end up haating and resenting myself...please advise..also when i am hurt and i loose all hope..i tend to be rebellious...i do things which i know will harm me and brings Allah's wrath but i still do them...and then i questin myself who am i reblling against...i dnt want to be like this..i cant really explain all that is going on in my head...sorry for a long letter...
Answer
Assalam Alaykum Muslimah,
You are in a process of rapid spiritual growth. All for the dizzy stuff in your head is coming to surface. This can be somewhat scary, but just go with the flow, and let all these fears come to surface. You are becoming aware of the difference between the fears in your subconscious mind..which are now coming to surface and the mind and heart of Allah... You realize that the fear thoughts are not accurate...as a matter of fact, there is nothing wrong with asking for worldly things... True, if we achieve the state in which we have no desire or attachment, we achieve a pure understanding of Allah... but that is a gradual process, and it is possible that we are still working on that after our would leaves this body. The truth is, when we get some of our physical and emotional needs (attachments and desires) met, then we can relax an shift our focus onto Allah...so, whatever it takes to get you into a state where your focus is on Allah, that is what will bring you lasting peace and contentment.
Don't give in to this work, or its collective and coercive consciousness... you are breaking through that. If you had married a man that you know you would not be happy with, how happy would he have been? That would have REALLY broken his heart. SO, move past the social norms, as you did what you knew to be right in your heart. Let go of all preconceived ideas of what you are supposed to be doing now...and just give yourself some time and space to get close to Allah and allow Him to reveal to you what your directions should be now. Trust this process. Trust is a huge part of submission to Allah... when you get to this point, you will no longer be in fear of punishment and you will feel more connected and guided by Allah. that is the safe place...and I believe this is where you are going... One day at a time. You will eventually let go of "ambitions" and see that whatever work you do, it is dedicated to Allah, so there isn't any work superior to another...SO, don't loose hope. Put one foot in front of the other and Allah will bless and reward you...just trust. Allah is your Raab.
