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Answer
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Name
Shahidah
- United States
Profession
Question
Salaams,
My question is how do I deal with having thoughts of others while I am with my husband intimately. I try to stop these thoughts, but most of the time when I am with him, I have a thought about someone else. It could be someone I've seen on T.V. or someone I know. At times it is even someone of the same sex. Please help. I've been married to him for 11 years now. I was a virgin when I married him. These thoughts are causing me to have very low self esteem. And I'm losing my connection with him.
Answer
It is common for thoughts to come into relations with a spouse, especially after many years of the relationship. This can be for many reasons. However, to find the reasons you need to remember that intimate relations are only a deeper and/or physical expression of our emotional life.
Sometimes when you discover the underlying reason it can stop the thoughts.
Are you having thoughts of others because you are seeking more excitement in your life?
If this is the case it may help to find a new hobby, join an online or local class, or join a group of people with common interests.
Are you having thoughts because you are curious about what life would have been like if you didn't marry early?
Are you feeling bored, dissatisfied or anxious in your life in any way?
If you can connect with these feelings in your emotional life, you will be able to also figure out why these images are coming into your intimate relations with your husband.
One technique you can use to change these images in your mind is to train your mind to put your husband into these images instead of the ones that enter. You
Imagine your husband saying or doing something he would not usually do. You can create interesting images using your husband as the intimate person in your thoughts. This will help you feel closer to him and may even help you to see different sides of him you didn't see before. It can also help stimulate new conversations between you or a "newness" to the relationship.
I often meet in isolation, a handicapped lady. It started some time back out of sympathy, but now it has turned into an addiction - maybe due to some other emotion.
I really want to do Istighfar. Whenever I want to come out of this, she starts to shed tears and I stop, asking myself 'why did you start at the outset to please her, and now leave her in agony' , and this perpetuates my sin...Can you suggest a way out.
Answer
Relationships of all kinds can become addicting, not just of the kind you mention. While your relationship with the woman is not healthy, it is not necessarily the type of relationship you are having that makes it addictive. It is something that you need in that relationship that is making it addictive.
To be able to cure this addiction you need to be able to figure out what it is you are getting from this relationship and why you need it so badly.
Do you need to feel admired or needed? Do you need to feel you are important to someone?
Do you feel you are not appreciated enough by the people in your life?
If you do not connect with what is creating this need in you, then you are in danger of falling into the same kind of relationship with someone else.
Connect with what you need from this person and ask them to do the same.
Why are they seeing you?
What is it they need from you?
You can both seek out healthier sources for your needs, put an end to this unhealthy relationship and prevent future unhealthy-haram relationships from developing.
Do you know of any Islamic-based treatment for eating disorders?
Answer
Treatment would depend on the cause of the eating disorder. Islam does provide many options for treatment. Many eating disorders are caused by a person feeling they have a lack of control in their life - they then seek this control by controlling what they eat.. If a person can re-direct this control to a healthy practice, they can still find the control they need, but in a healthy way.
On the other side of the spectrum, Islam can also offer insight into the practice of submission (the meaning of Islam), which is the practice of not needing to be in control - the practice of submitting and having faith that Allah is providing for us what is best.
Another common basis for eating disorders is anxiety or depression, which can occur separately or together. When I work with clients who have anxiety or depression I make sure they start by creating a natural and holistic diet as a basis for their therapy. Eating whole, natural and local foods is recommended in the Hadith as the basis of good health. Following this kind of eating program is Islamic, and can help heal the physical reasons behind anxiety and depression and can also give the person with an eating disorder another place to focus their concerns. Instead of being concerned with portions, that can shift their concern to quality of food.
To switch to a natural and whole foods diet a person needs to eat only foods that are whole and not processed. So you would eat brown rice instead of white rice and use brown flour instead of white flour. You would eat apples instead of apple sauce, and potatoes instead of french fries. In addition you would want to stay away from fast foods, packaged foods, sugar, coffee and sodas.
In short, an Islamic based treatment would focus on the spiritual and emotional reasons behind the disorder and on a change in quality of diet. Insha'Allah this is helpful.
Name
qm
- Lebanon
Profession
student
Question
What would you suggest for a person who has been addicted to masturbation from the age of 16 and now he is 23? After masturbating I feel very much tired. If I do masturbate continuously 2 or 3 times with an interval of half an hour or ten minutes I am completely tired!!! I feel as if all my whole veins are bursting, I get back pain, lower back pain, and now its affecting the buttocks becuase of this.
I was not much into outdoor games. You see I am very attracted to girls, but at the same time when I sleep with guys I just try to touch their private parts, and try to have sex through touching. I try to avoid the situation, but we sleep on the same bed. I have done this with my cousins who are 13 years and 17 years aand so on, but they didn't do anything for me - they just sleep and pretend to be sleeping, while I play with them. Should I say sorry or some thing like that? We don't speak about it as if nothing happened between us. I have touched the private parts of female cousins also.
I am easily tempted. If i see a naval or the waist of a lady, I get aroused - what's wrong with me? I have had phone-sex, watched porn, had sex chat through webcam online what etc. It's just that I have never had physical contact with any girl.
I have tried sevral times to abstain from phone-sex. I have deleted all the numbers which I used to have phone-sex with (I delete the number just a second after masturbating), but when I feel tempted again, I just regret deleting it, and try-out another girl!!!
You see I don't think I won't be able to recover .. I pray five times a day, recite Qur'an etc and still I do these sins. My remedy for this is.....?
Answer
First, I would recommend finding a local group or counselor to talk to about your addiction. There may be an emotional side to your addiction that can only be explored in more depth by someone with more information about you. There may also be a mental side to the addiction that would require therapy.
Secondly, you need to immediately refrain from touching others and apologize to those you have touched. Addiction is one of your problems and you need to deal with that. However, abuse of others is a different problem. You will heal yourself faster if you can reduce your problem down to one instead of two. Getting other people involved brings the issue into the realm of abuse and brings up other issues, which would be better handled by a professional counselor who can speak to you on a weekly basis.
In addition to seeking professional help or group therapy there are some things you can do for yourself at the same time you are in therapy.
First you need to find out why you are having this addiction and what is "setting it off". When do your episodes usually occur? Keep a journal and try to pinpoint if there is a commonality you can find between the episodes. Do they happen after you eat certain foods? See certain people? Try to figure out what the triggers are and eliminate as many of the triggers as you can.
Second, while it is hard to tell the physical reasons for your addiction with the information I have, there are some therapies you can try that will deal with the physical reasons behind the addiction. These therapies work on two levels - channeling the energies you have into healthier channels and strengthening the organ systems in your body that need to be strong to deal with this problem.
Some therapies that are useful in healing this are: reiki, accupuncture, accupressure, a regular exercise program, yoga, regular prayer, and walking. Some people who struggle with this issue have found that if they can consciously substitute one of the activities above (or another healthy activity) for the unhealthy habits that they can slowly teach their minds and bodies to change patterns.
Some herbs and foods that are helpful in healing and strengthening the deficient kidneys (the organ that relates to healthy or unhealthy sexual activity) are:
1. Make sure you drink 8-10 glasses of water each day
2. Foods that are good for the kidneys are: varied foods (do not eat the same foods over and over), beans, salty foods like seaweed and sea salted foods (but not foods with a lot of table salt and avoid MSG [monosodium glutamate]completely), blue and black foods (like blackberries, mulberries, etc...), flax seeds, pumpkin seeds, walnuts, chestnuts, fruits, melons, green vegetables, and in some cases (small amounts of) lamb, eggs and cheese.
3. Herbs that can balance the kidney energy are: Nettles, oatstraw, slippery elm, marshmallow root, aloe vera juice,and black seed.
Insha-Allah this is helpful and you can also find someone near where you live to provide help for you as well.
Name
Zain
-
Profession
Question
I have lived in England for most of my life. When I was 11-12 years old, I became addicted to masturbation and pornography. The addiction grew and grew, and I indulged in this filthy habbit about 3 times a day and the pornography was becoming more and more severe. I started watching porn involving fantasy rapes and other distubing things. This of course affecting me badly in an Islamic sense. I was no longer praying, and I started picking up other bad habits such as constant swearing. My addiction went on for the next 6 years and the longest I had stopped was maybe 1 week during that whole time. During this period of stopping, no one ever found out about my secrete addiction.
I finnished high school and A-levels with good results, but was rejected from studying my desired course. My dad suggested that i could study the course inside an Islamic country. I found this as a great chance to put my life back on track and went immediatly. I have now been studying a science course at a university inside a islamic country for approximately eight months.
During this time, I have completely stopped swaering and completely stopped listening to music. I pray the 5 prayers at the mosque and the additional Duhaa prayer in private. I have been giving charities in private. I joined an Islamic association at university, and I organise Islamic lectures and give hand outs. I also give dawah to straying Muslims. I now try to perform as much Sunnanhs \|(recommended) as possible, and I have grown a beard and I wear my trousers above the ankles. I started learning Qur'an and tafsir, and I pray to Allah to guide me to the straight path everyday. I have completely stopped watching TV, and I have very minimal contact with girls. I even now refuse to shake hands with girls.
Now I will come to my problems: Al hamdu Lillah I have cut down on mastabation alot. I will go maybe 3 months without mastUbating, and then I get the urge to do it again. I have started to get images from in my head from previous viewings of pornography. This makes me highly stimulated. I become in need to watch pornography again. When this happens I pray to Allah, and listen to Qur'an, but it the flasbacks stick with me. To prevent myself from going back to pornography I masturbate without pornography, and minimise any mental images when doing so. I have maybe now only mastabated 6 times in the last 3 months without the use of pornography. However I feel like a hypocrite and liar to the people at univeristy who think I am religious.
Also i feel like am lying to myself and to Allah. I feel like I shouldn't grow a beard, and cuff my trousers when I am still addicted to this dirty habit. I feel like a hypocrite as I am constantly giving people Islamic advice, when myself am not pure. I feel like I don't have the right to be with my religious friends who dont know about my addiction. The majority of boys at my university masturbate, and when they ask me if I have ever done so, I say no out of shame. Does this count as lying? If I give a neutral answer then they will figure that I do. Therefore I always deny it out of shame. I am in real need of advice.
Answer
You have made amazing progress in getting your life "back on track", and turning an addiction into an "occasional habit". From everything you have said it sounds like you have been cured of your addiction. This is a great gift.
If you look at where you were a few years ago and where you are now, you can see that you have made great progress on this journey you are on. Islam is a journey where we submit to Allah, and are constantly improving ourselves, learning more and deepening our spiritual lives. One cannot achieve perfection so to pretend that one is perfect is a lie. To pretend perfection creates unrealistic expectations in the people who come to you for advice. It also creates unrealistic expectations within yourself.
Your present personal life is private and is best kept private. If someone you are counseling asks "Do you masturbate right now?" you have every right to tell them that the counseling session is about them, and not you and that you would be happy to share with them how you have overcome some of the addictions or hardships in your own life. There is a difference between lying and keeping your private life private.
However, often, sharing a story from your past can inspire and help people who ask for your advice. Without sharing details, you can talk a bit about how you had addiction problems in the past and how following Islam helped you overcome those problems.
There are different rulings on masturbation. Some authorities state that it is always completely forbidden, others state that if it is done to prevent adultery or fornication then it is acceptable. If you are following the ruling of the former statement (that it is always forbidden) then you can work on ways to stop. Because it is no longer an addiction, you should be able to control it by removing the triggers that lead to it or by training yourself to substitute other behaviors in its place when the need arises.
Insha-Allah this is helpful.
Name
Khan
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
I seem to keep falling into sin again and again. I have been nearly married for a year, but i masterbate secretly behind my wifes back. I feel bad and dont feel bad sometimes. I stop for a while and then I start it again. I ask help from Allah but I feel like he doesnt love me and why i keep on doing this. I try to repent but i dont cos I know i will do it again. Sometime I feel like if I have not been asking for mercy properly. How do I repent and what are the procedures. Please help my soul before it burdens itself with sin.
Answer
Masturbation within marriage can signify a need to be alone with yourself, a lack of sexual satisfaction within the marriage, a need to be touched, OCD (some people would rather masturbate in a controlled situation instead of having sex and facing the issues of cleanliness), anxiety, insomnia (some people find masturbation relaxes them or helps them sleep) or a lack of confidence with intimate relations. There are also many other reasons. Can you connect with the reason that fits your situation and try to come up with a different solution?
Some foods that can help reduce sexual desire are: cucumbers, yogurt, avoidance of spicy foods, avoidance of excessive meat, soy products and milk.
Herbs that can help with anxiety or insomnia and that can also reduce sexual desire are: hops, the Chinese herb Rehmannia, chamomile, skullcap, passionflower herb (does not increase, but decreases passion), and aloe vera.
If your masturbation is related to other reasons then you can address those reasons with other solutions. It is hard to know what to advise unless I have more information. I hope this helps you get off to a good start in finding a solution. If you need more specific help you can sign up for a personal consult at www.TheHerbnMuslim.com or you can seek help with a local health care practitioner or counselor.
Insha-Allah this was helpful.
Name
kik
- Saudi Arabia
Profession
student
Question
I want to relax my self apart from prayers. I have read your article on the "Yoga of Islam" but it deosnt say anything about postures. Could you tell me some techinques so that I can have a new life -- I mean relax, increase my memeory power - I don't know how to explain. Just tell me some techniques of breathing.. etc if this is not a valid question in this session please do e-mail me to the above adress.
Answer
While this question is not directly related to addictions it is valid within this realm because if you are suffering from an addiction, proper breathing, yoga and other similar therapies can help heal you. I provide personal counseling via www.TheHerbnMuslim.com for people who need help in planning personalized yoga programs, detox programs, diets, or other personal health programs. You can find more information and my contact information at that website.
Proper breathing, however, does form the basis of many healing therapies, and is one of the cornerstones of healing. Many people do not even realize they are not breathing properly and many people can go for weeks without taking a deep breath or a steady breath. To practice better breathing habits for health and for yoga preparation you need to:
1. Stand in a comfortable position with your back straight and your arms by your side. You may turn your head up to face the sky or you may face forward.
2. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth.
3. Visualize the fact that it is oxygen that is feeding your blood. Visualize that you are breathing in this oxygen and you need to keep it in your lungs so it can feed your body.
4. Breathe in and hold the oxygen inside of you for 7-10 seconds. Breathe out through your mouth.
5. Repeat this ten times.
This is a basic breathing technique that can be used while in one position. Most yoga positions have specific breathing that go with each of them - there is a process of breathing out with certain movements, and breathing in with other movements.
Can you find a yoga instructor in your area or purchase a basic yoga video tape? Often just a few sessions can teach you some of the basic techniques. However, if you have specific problems or needs you want addressed you would need to focus on certain postures.
Name
A
- Pakistan
Profession
Question
I committed zina with 4 mens one after the other. I'm married, but my husnband didn't pay attention to me, he doesn't love me that's why I did this ghunah kabira. I'm now very much ashamed, and I weep very much in my prayers so that Allah will forgive me for my sin. I did tawbah also.
Beacuse nowadays I have been reading Qur'an and I'm very much fret about what I did, what is my punishment? Will Allah forgive me? I will never do it again insha-Allah. Should I tell my husband about it? As you know my husband will divorce me. Wht should I do. I also do not love him. We are just living with each other for our kids. What should I do? Please guide me in the light of Qur'an and Authentic Hadith because it will satisfy me.
Answer
I answered this question last week during the counseling session. Please refer to last week's answer. If you cannot find the link you may write to me at: herbnhome@yahoo.com and I can send the direct link to you for your answer. I know that although this is a live session, it does take some time for me to answer each question, so sometimes by the time I have answered the question you may be offline and not able to find the answer. However, I do answer all questions that are submitted, so if you do not find your answer please contact me or find the session you participated in one the session archives page and scroll down to find your question.
Name
qm
- Lebanon
Profession
student
Question
Thanx to doc Bachmeier Doc for the reply on masturbation. I have consulted a pyschologist regarding the problem of masturbation.. He jus asked me to do pyschoterapy for 21 days with a prescribed 10 statements that has to feed into my subconcious mind. I have done it, but again I started tha habit. Maybe Allah left me becuase I have been ridiculing Allah.. I have given up masturbation, and I promised that I wouldn't watch vulgar scenes, but the following day itself I break the promise and do it.....please pray for me sincerely not only for me for all teenagers and youth who wanna be spiritual, but are facing this problem
Thanx
Love and Prayers
Answer
In Islam 40 days is the recommended minimum for spiritual therapy. If you can continue with the psychotherapy and/or spiritual counseling for 40 days in a row and can also refrain from your addiction during this time, it will be much more effective than the 21-days. You might also read through some of the other answers I provided with people in this session. There are some suggestions I provided in other answers that may also help your situation. In one session I recommended some herbs to help reduce sexual desire. This may be a great help to you during your therapy sessions. Doing both together would be most effective.
Name
Editor
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Profession
Question
Finally, we would like to thank Dr. Karima Burns (www.TheHerbnMuslim.com) for taking the time to answer the questions of Islamonline viewers today, and we also thank all those who participated in this dialogue. We apologize for not being able to accommodate all the questions within the time allocated to this session. Look out for upcoming session… Balancing Our Inner Anger…
Answer
Thank you to everyone who submitted questions to this session so everyone can benefit from the answers and can see that they are not alone in their problems. Blessings & Health, Kristie Karima Burns, MH, ND
