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Answer
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Name
Muslimah
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Profession
mother
Question
I am 33 year old female , have two young children ( 8 and 4) , married and homeschooling.
When it comes to managing stress it seems like it is getting harder and harder for me.I love homeschooling, but my son( 8 years old) is becoming more and more challenging to raise at times.
What is the best way to deal with a high-demanding child and how to help him calm down, keep a positive attitude ,concentrate more, and to be less into everything? How can I keep my composure and be a good example to him at the same time?
Answer
You have such a wonderful way of looking at things - you want to reduce stress not only for yourself, but also to be a good example for your son. I have so many ideas I will number them so it does not become confusing:
1. First, to be positive, you need to change the way you think, and look at your son.
He is not "challenging and highly demanding" but
He could be "active, curious, and energetic."
Notice the words you use to think about and talk about him and try to change those words. This will make a big difference in the way you see things. He will sense this and become calmer.
2. Second, you may want to explore if you need to change homeschooling methods. There are so many different methods of homeschooling. I use a method called Earthschooling Waldorf which focuses on the rhythms of the day rather than on pushing the child to learn quickly or having an hourly schedule. I am not sure what program you are using, however, you always need to be open to adapting it depending on your child's ever-changing needs.
3. Remember that we all need to nurture our head, heart AND hands. You and your child need to rotate activities each day that
nurture the head (worksheets and lessons)
the heart (volunteering, taking care of animals, reading the Qur'an)
nurture the hands (knitting, sewing, sculpture, kite making, etc...
When your chidren are using a method of schooling that suits them,when they are allowed to have time to nurture their head, heart and hands and YOU are too, then stress is reduced, composure becomes easier and everything gets better.
I'm in my last year of teritary education, al hamdu Lillah. However, I'm from Australia and alot of emphasis is placed on the final year marks, it determines whether you go onto further study etc.
My question is I have been extremely stressed out by my studies. I sometimes go nights without sleeping... but recently the complete opposite has happened - I have been procrastinating.
My question is how to manage my stress levels so I can remain sane... he! he!
Thanks in advance,
Jasmine
Answer
The demands placed on students in today's world are such that traditional stress reduction methods do not always fit the situation. If you read some of the other questions and answers from tonight you will see I have talked about why stress happens and how we can prevent it.
However, in your situation you do not have a choice. You most likely have a very busy and intense schedule. It is like the kind of stress you find working in the emergency room of a hospital. You can't stop it. You need to deal with it. Which is what you are asking help with.
So how does one deal with living in a high stress job or way of life? Here are some tips:
1. Adjust your standards. We often have very high standards of how we should look, how our apartment should look, how we should write, how much work we should get done and so much more. Everyone has an image in their mind of how they should be. However, during times of stress you need to adjust this image. Perhaps it is OK not to clean your room every day. Perhaps writing long letters to friends or calling all your family members three times a week needs to be reduced. Perhaps you don't need to write a ten page paper, but a five page paper would be sufficient for the class.
I am not sure what your duties are, and what you wish to accomplish. However, I do know that you can make a list of each of these and then decrease your performance on each one that you can.
2. Keep a schedule, and a list of things to do. Having a rhythm to your week makes it easier for you to finish your work.
3. Build some rest into the schedule. You should study and work and then do something fun or restful. Study or work and then sleep or do something restful. Keep a rotation so that you are always fresh when you are working. You will be more efficient that way and spend less time on your work.
4. Don't stay up late. There is an illusion that if you stay up late you will get more done. However scientific studies show (yes, they actually studied this) that efficiency decreases very rapidly as it becomes later in the night. At a certain point you are only working at 20% capacity. So it will take you five hours to do a one hour job. I have found, without a doubt, that it is always better to sleep when one is tired, and wake up to work more efficiently.
Insha-Allah this is helpful.
Blessings & Health,
Karima
Name
Rose
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Profession
Question
I suffer from tension headaches, and I take Panadol about twice a week. Is there any affordable alternative?
Answer
I have answered this question during the session on:
I have probelms in my marriage as we have financial constraints, and my wife has a problem when I provide for my mother financially. My mother has just lost her husband two months ago, and the family has finacial problems. It is now a problem for my wife when I assist my mother. She has now left me, and gone back to her mother with my son. I do not know how to best approach the matter, and have made it clear to her of my obligations towards her, my children and my mother. How do I fix the situation?
Answer
First of all, you cannot fix the situation alone because the situation involves two people, and some of the situation may have to do with issues your wife has and not with you at all. I am not familiar with her, however, from what I have experienced in my own life and with clients, there is always an element of a person's own issues when there is a problem.
Sometimes understanding the other person's situation is helpful. From your wife's point of view she may feel is being "forced" to live at a certain standard of living, and she may blame this on your mother. She may think, "if only it was not for her we could afford that stove we need." or something like that. She may feel helpless because she was not consulted and did not have a choice in the matter. She may simply feel hurt that she was not consulted.
From your point of view she could try to understand that you are a very responsible person, and you are setting a very good example for your children and your actions are very reassuring for her as well. Men (and women) who choose to spend their time and money taking care of their family are actually rare in today's world. It seems there are so many things that distract them. If she can try to understand your commitment to the family she might be able to feel blessed that she is married to a man who has shown he will take care of those around him.
However, these are just speculations on how both of you might feel and some ideas to try to see the situation in a different way, and to try to understand the other. For compassion comes from understanding the other person and that is what will heal your relationship. If there is anger or pity or resentment, then the relationship will not be healed with anger and pity present.
Compassion and love are very healing.
Something you both might want to consider is looking at the money in a different way. If we accept that what happens around us and to us come from Allah, then we can accept that what people do "to us" is actually not personal at all - these people are just instruments of Allah. Money is the same way. We are sent gifts of money, however, so many people make the mistake in thinking that the money belongs to them. However, it does not. It belongs to who it was sent it to you for.
Have you ever received a bonus at work and then, two days later, your child needed dental work? Or have you ever received some extra money and a few days later someone was ill and you needed it for a doctor visit? I observe this happening quite often.
Perhaps Allah is sending you the money you have for your mother and your wife. Perhaps your money increased slightly when you started taking care of her?
Lastly, you might consider talking to your wife about the situation. She is feeling hurt and unimportant right now. You can talk to her and perhaps say,
"Dear wife, I know you are upset because I am giving money to my mother. Can we talk about this? Perhaps there are some ways we can help her and work out something that works for everyone. Perhaps instead of giving her so much money we could invite her over for dinner so she does not need to spend money on food?
You could think of other ideas like this.
Insha-Allah this is helpful.
Blessings & Health
www.TheHerbnMuslim.com
Name
Brother
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Profession
Question
As salamu `alaykum
I am a male in my 20s, and I feel emotionally stressed due to having no friends - I get emotionally close to very few people whom I like. I don't know how to manage emotional stress. There's always a longing to be loved by people as I love few people, but I feel emotionally stressed.
Answer
It sounds like your personality might naturally be less social than other personalities. You are not writing ,and asking to be the "life of the party" or to start speaking in front of groups or be extremely popular. You are simply asking for a few friends to love and be loved by. This is a strong trait of a person of the water element type (Islamic medicine). People of the water element are loyal and friends for life. They do not have large social circles, and may even need more time alone than other people, however they do enjoy the company of a few close friends and family. People of the water type also move much slower than those of other temperaments.
For someone of your temperament you could expect to be more "settled" in your life and friendships between the age of 25 and 30. At this point you are still exploring and observing the world and finding out who you are. Everything you said, in fact, seems normal and healthy and fits the water temperament perfectly. There is no cause for alarm.
However, you do feel emotionally stressed and that is difficult. First you need to realize that this feeling does not end with marriage or relationships or friends. Even surrounded by friends a person can feel lonely. We need to learn to be comfortable with that emotion before we can move on in our relationships.
Another thing you can do is be proactive about the situation. You can join some groups, take a class, volunteer somewhere, attend more parties or events. Expand your ideas of what a friend can be. You could befriend a cat, an elderly aunt, a child, or a person your age. Leave your heart open, get out and expose yourself to more people, and you will find what you are looking for, insha-Allah
Name
Rasheeda
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Profession
Question
I’ve heard that there are some natural things that can decrease menstrual pain, what are these things?
Answer
I have answered this question during the session on:
Lately I have developed an extreme fear of death. Whenever you hear about people dying, you never expect it to happen to your own family. You always know death is a part of life, but lately I realized that it's actually true, and will take place...
Ever since that day I have been worried. Nothing can be taken for granted. Anything can take place any time. You live a nice normal life al hamadu Lillah, and then everything changes. And my fear is that I will not be able to cope. Everyone tells me when faced with a crisis, Allah gives sabr (patience), but I still get very scared.
I dont know how to handle this fear, so I thought I'd develop enough iman (faith) so I wouldn't feel scared, but confidant that Allah knows best.
I then started reading Islamic articles and the tafseer (explanation) of the Qur`an. This had an even more scarier effect because I guess I expected too much in too little time, and then I started having extreme waswasa (whispering shaytan, and doubts. I had doubts about everything, even Islam. Now I'm so lost and confused all the time.
I want to be strong in my iman, and have complete faith in Allah, but still all these horrible thoughts enter my head. I have been praying 5 times a day for the past 4 years now al hamadu Lillah. But at times my heart still remains heavy. Even when I read Qur`an I have these questions, yet I always feel the opposite thougths coming up. I dont know how to handle this fear now. And I'm driving my family crazy because I'm always depressed now. How can I reconcile myself to understand that Allah (SWT) is Merciful and loves us?
How can I overcome my fear?
Answer
The best way to overcome your fear is to take control of it and not let it control you. To face it now instead of wondering what it will be like in the future. Here are two therapeutic methods that have worked with some of my clients:
1. Sit in a quiet spot when you are feeling in a good mood and during the day when people are around (you are not alone). Sit and imagine that the worst has happened. Now imagine what you will be doing. Add as many details as you can in your mind. Do this a few times a week until you find yourself feeling more and more confident and less and less fearful.
2. Control the fear. You may be experiencing panic attacks, which can control you. Panic attacks can cause fear of bridges, elevators, people, death, airplanes, anything. By learning how to deal with panic attacks you will learn how to control the fear and not allow it to control you. Recognize that this may simply be your physical body having the fear and your mind is simply finding something to go with that physical feeling. That is what a panic attack is - the physical feeling causes the feeling of panic instead of the other way around. Relaxing herbs like chamomile, mint, and fennel can help. These should be taken regularly and not after a panic attack. You should avoid all items with caffeine such as soda, coffee and black (and green) teas.
Insha-Allah this was helpful.
Blessings & Health
Name
sara
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
My husband is totally heterosexual in every way, but is terrified that people might think he is gay, do you know what the psychological origin of this obsession might be? It came to the surface when he worked in this place where he felt people were bullying him and trying to provoke him into some sort of admission of homosexuality. He is convinced now that there is some sort of conspiracy against him to torment him or bombard his subconscious with images that might lead him to homosexuality. He does not hate homosexuals in the slightest, but is very confused by these imaginings as he has always had a very healthy sex life with me. I have told him that he is having paranoid delusions, but we do not understand why they have a homosexual theme. I was wondering if he perhaps had some sort of gay molestation during his past that he has blanked out because it was so traumatic, or whether it is because he grew up in a very traditional Muslim society in Africa so that is a great fear. But he has lived in the West for many years with no problems, but has only recently returned to the city from a very rural area, so maybe it is the shock of urbanisation again and seeing lots of different people of different sexualities. Can you think what might cause this fixation and will his anti-psychotic/anti OCD medication help reduce these imaginings? t
Thank you for your assistance.
Answer
Sadly, in today's society these images surround us. In the news, on the computer, in conversations - everywhere. It is not a hard "jump" from being bombarded with images to becoming obsessed with them, especially if he has OCD tendencies. In the same way people become obsessed with things like the swine flu or with the recession. Some people have a hard time getting images out of their head once they are there.
Usually people like this are also highly sensitive people and are usually kind because of this increased sensitivity towards others.
To reduce symptoms it is best to reduce the bombardment of images. I have helped other clients work through this same process and it is amazing how helpful it is.
First you need to reduce the stimulation on this person. Don't watch the news at all. Read it in the paper. Try not to read about the topic that is bothering him. Don't watch shows where this topic is mentioned or described.
Secondly he needs to be reassured that in many ways we cannot control what our minds think. It is actually quite common for people to even have homosexual dreams. This does not mean they are homosexual. We cannot control how we think and feel but we can control what we DO.
Third, bullying is never OK. It is not OK at school, and even worse at work since the men there should be grown up enough to know better. However, sadly bullying happens even to adults. You might go online and Google "tips for dealing with bullies" and find some ways for him to manage these people who are teasing him.
Insha-Allah this is helpful.
Blessings & Health
Name
Selma
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Profession
Question
I have two children, and I always think of cooking them healthy food, however, I feel that most of our foods are contaminated due to insecticides added to veggies and fruits and also additives added to preserved food, is there any hope?
Answer
I have answered this question during the session on:
My question is how can I as an individual learned to deal with stress, and general everyday things. It seems that I have a good days, and bad days like everyone else, but the bad days seem to accumulate, and just break me down at the end of the day. And I don't have a solution just to shake it off and just let it be. I am more the worry type a person and wish to be cool and collect, if I only knew how to be. Any kind of advice will help.
Thank You; for your time and may Allah (SWT) reward you for all this.
Answer
The best way to deal with stress is before it happens. It sounds like you might deal with stress in the way some people deal with their credit cards. You know how there are some people that "max out" their credit cards, reach their credit limit and then realize they need to pay a lot of money to the bank? Once they pay it off, they may actually go and "max out" their card again. This is also a very common way to deal with stress.
Most people live their lives, and don't think about stress until it happens. So they go to parties, work, entertain friends, have conversations, play, visit, travel and keep going in life until one day they feel stressed. Then they realize they have no capacity to deal with it because they have "maxed out" their tress cards
Two therapies I teach my clients might also help you.
1. Store reserves for stressful days. Just like we save money in the bank or want to keep our credit line open for emergencies, you also need to keep your "stress credit" clear. I invite you to get a reflexology treatment, or other stress reducing therapy on a regular basis - before you are stressed. Keep the prayer times and focus in the moment when you pray,and focus on your movements. Islamic prayer can have the same benefits as yoga when done in a mindful way. In short, think of yourself as storing away "relaxation". The more relaxation you store away, the more reserves you will have when something stressful happens.
2. Practice a breathing in - breathing out rhythm in your life. In modern society we are often taught to run from one task to the next, never pausing in-between tasks or jobs or appointments. Practice taking little "breathing in" breaks between all of your meetings, jobs, tasks or other outward and social activities. After each one, take some time to do something quiet by yourself - leave yourself transition time in between things that you do. You can read, have some tea, sleep, or do anything inner and/or restful during this time.
Insha-Allah this is helpful.
Blessings & Health
Name
saeed
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Profession
Question
I can get stressed easily that is just the way I am, but I feel that I often get tired easily, and I am only in my early twenties. I feel that my body is older.
Answer
Of course proper diet and sleep are the root of all healing so, assuming you are getting enough sleep and eating a healthy diet I will take this a bit farther.
You say that feeling stressed is "just the way you are". This means that you are most likely of the melancholic temperament. However, without more information it is hard to be sure. However, even if it is not your main temperament, the symptom you are describing is a sign of the melancholic temperament being strong in your body.
People of the melancholic temperament often feel stressed and tired because they tend to carry a lot "on their shoulders". The melancholic temperament causes us to live in the past and the future, carrying all the thoughts of who we knew and what we did and what we should be doing. The weight of all this can make a person more stressed and very tired. People of the melancholic temperament are often tired and actually need more sleep than people of other temperaments. One reason is that they can tire and become stressed more easily.
However, the main reason is that sleep is the way they recover from "life". All the temperaments have ways to deal with the stimulation, relationships, colors, sounds and all that life bombards us with daily. Those of the phelgmatic type may eat, those of the sanguine type may indulge in TV or other forms of entertainment. Those of the choleric type may withdraw and work on creative things.
To help balance your stress levels and your sleep levels it will help if you can bring your mind more into the present moment and practice not thinking about the past and the future as much.
Insha-Allah this is helpful.
End Note: You should remove any tea, coffee, or sodas from your diet that have caffeine.
Blessings & Health
Name
U
- Pakistan
Profession
Question
I've been married for 3 years. We have one child. I never thought I would contemplate divorce with a man I once was so happy with, but we seem to have lost the feelings that we had for each other. Perhaps no one is to blame, a baby, our jobs, problems with in-laws all contributed to the state we are in today. I feel very sad, but I don't think the marriage is working. Would it be totally repugnant for me to request a divorce in such circumstances? It's not on the grounds of domestic abuse or mistreatment or other strong grounds, there is just a lack of love and compatibility. One of the reasons which has lessened my love for him is his inability to lead the family. So I take the lead in spite of havin a full job and motherhood responsibilities. I lead in almost every aspect, from finances, to household issues, to religion. Although I have asked my husband many times to be the leader of the household is concerned, he has not stepped up to the plate. I am the one teaching my child du`aa's (supplications), reading Qur`an in front of her, telling her about Allah in simplistic terms. I am the one who is slowly introducing Islam to her. My husband also does not lead me. I really feel very sad. I know this is a holy and blessed month and I feel horrible talking about my marital problems in this month but things have come to a head.
I have tried talking to him so many times, in so many different ways, even being guided by hadith and religious articles about how to lecture a husband gently, but he becomes very defensive and starts raising his voice and we can never properly talk things out. I feel really distressed that I am in this situation, and I feel responsible for my child, and cry at the thought of her having to put up with divorced parents but I am just so unhappy and want to give myself another shot at happiness in the future with Insha-Allah another good Muslim man.
Am I wrong to think this way?
Answer
It is not my place or anyone's place to tell you that you are wrong or right in your thoughts. How you feel is how you feel, and you need to work through this in some way and make a decision. By denying your feelings or labeling them as "wrong" or "right" you only make the decision harder and may end up making a decision you will regret later.
I think you have done a good job of covering the reasons why you should not be in the relationship. I don't need to add any reasons to the list you have. So I will help you by suggesting some alternatives you may not have considered:
1. Once you enter into a marriage and have a child your happiness becomes "our happiness". Of course, as we battle that ego part of us that says "me and mine" we should always be realizing we are part of a whole in Islam. However, before one is married or has children it is easy to adjust oneself when one is "alone". This is why it is said that "marriage is half the religion". Because it is only through marriage that you will discover things about yourself you never knew were there. So when you consider leaving you need to consider happiness as a whole family, and not only your happiness.
2. Happiness is a choice we make. I have a client who was abused by her husband, was far from her family and ran the entire house herself, but she was one of the happiest people I have ever known. Life will always be changing and marriage and life will always have challenges. Your challenge as a human is to be happy where you are now. Once you can be happy where you are now, THEN you are ready to make a decision to divorce or not. For if you cannot find the ability to make yourself happy, you will struggle with this issue again and again until you do.
3. Marriages are never the same. They follow a river, like all of life and as they say, "you can't step in the same place in the river twice." So you are saying that NOW your marriage lacks love and compatibility but chances are it was not always like that and it will not be like that in a month or two or a year or two. Part of being in a marriage is watching the changes happen and letting them happen and accepting them as how things are now. Any new marriage you have will also go through this stage. Every marriage does.
4. Being divorced will not be an improvement over your current situation. You will still be in charge of everything. Only now you won't have any financial help at all either.
5. You might sit down with him or observe him and see if he has ways he can help or lead that are suitable for him. It could be that he does want to help or lead, but in his own way. What are those ways? How are the ways he helps now? Unless he is sitting on the couch all day watching TV he must be doing something.
6. Some people are naturally dominant, and some people are naturally submissive. If you have so easily taken on the role of a leader then you are naturally dominant. If he is accepting of you in this role, that is a gift. The most common combinations I see in counseling are:
Dominant wife - Dominant Husband = a lot of fighting, perhaps some abuse.
Dominant husband - submissive wife
7. From experience in my own life and with clients I can say that leading might be a lot of pressure and it can be annoying to be holding the entire world on your shoulders...however, a big benefit of this is that you get to make a lot of decisions and you get to do things "your way". I have a feeling you might miss this a lot if you found a mate that was more dominant.
8. Sometimes when a dominant/leading woman feels the need for the man in her life to lead, this indicates issues she may have with an absent father figure, or issues she may have with her own femininity. Explore why you want him to lead? Why do you need this? Help around the house is a good reason, but there may be deeper needs and issues you need to address in yourself to be able to move on - with or without him, whichever you choose.
9. You might consider getting a temperament evaluation done at www.TheHerbnMuslim.com - sometimes by understanding a person's temperament it makes it easier to accept and love them. So many people and couples I have counseled using temperament evaluations have seen great improvements in all their relationships.
Insha-Allah this was helpful.
Blessings & Health
Name
N
-
Profession
Question
I am currently engaged to a man from Middle East. My future husband wants me to move to his country after our marriage. He forbids me to work after our marriage. I'm fine with it. The thing is that he want me to care about him completely. I'm the only child and my parents needs me. He told me to care for him wholeheartedly or he would divorce me. He told me to choose between him or my parents. Does this means that he forbids me to care about my parents? What about my parents monthly allowance? What should I do? Please help me.
Answer
In Islam there is a Hadith that says:
"heaven is at the food of the mother". There is often a very well known Hadith quoted by Hazrat Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) that reports: A person came to Messenger of Allah (PBUH) and asked, "Who among people is most deserving of my fine treatment?'' He (PBUH) said, "Your mother". He again asked, ``Who next?'' "Your mother", the Prophet (PBUH) replied again. He asked, "Who next?'' He (the Prophet (PBUH)) said again, "Your mother.'' He again asked, "Then who?'' Thereupon he (PBUH) said,'' Then your father.''
This Hadith is commonly known among Muslims. In a previous question tonight a woman was upset at her husband because he was giving money to his mother.
If this gentleman is Muslim then he is aware that your duty is to your mother first even if she is not Muslim.
It is very good for you that he is honest now about what his wants and needs are. Some people are not honest and then you find out later and it can be tragic.
In this case you have a choice. He is not lying to you, nor is he misrepresenting himself. He is telling you exactly what he expects. You need to choose if that works for you. If you accept his demands then you accept them with an open heart, if not, you need to consider breaking off the relationship. Divorce is very difficult, especially with children. If a marriage is not starting out with joy, trust and happiness then it might be better to choose otherwise. However, he has given you the gift of honesty and you now must choose.
Choosing will be very difficult. However, the outcome will be more joy and happiness for you both.
Blessings & Health Kristie Karima Burns, MH, ND
www.TheHerbnMuslim.com
Name
Editor
-
Profession
Question
Finally, we would like to thank Dr. Karima Burns (www.TheHerbnMuslim.com) for taking the time to answer the questions of Islamonline viewers today, and we also thank all those who participated in this dialogue. We apologize for not being able to accommodate all the questions within the time allocated to this session. Look out for upcoming sessions…
