Recently, I have been diagnosed with suffering from Major Depression. I feel like somebody has injected a violence injection in me, though I don't have prior history of being violent ever.
Whenever I am at home, at times I have this feeling of harming myself and my loved ones, and when I go out I feel like destroying everything. I realize thes feelings aren't true and are a part of depression, but I am afraid I will loose control.
At times I just can't do ordinary work due to this fear. For example, I try to avoid driving as much as possible feeling I would smash my car into another car or kill someone. How should I cope with my current state of mind?
Jazak Allah
Answer
Dear brother,
Depression is a serious illness which requires an active treatment. I can gather from your question that you have been diagnosed by a Psychiatrist. How long have you been feeling like this? Are there any unusual experiences that you are unable to explain? I can see from your description that you are angry & frustrated. Were there any significant life events prior to the onset of this problem? Did the psychiatrist prescribe you medication? What is the name of the medication? Are taking this medication or any other medication? Do you suffer from any physical health problems such as Diabetes, Mellitus, or heart disease?
I would also like to know about your previous performance at home, work & in other social situations. Do you smoke or use any street drugs?
Did you pray regularly before? Are you still able to do this?
Please respond to these questions to enable me to offer an informed advice.
Look forward to hearing from you.
Kind regards
Name
muslimah
-
Profession
Question
I had a really bad childhood and did not learn to control my temper or learn positive child rearing skills. You find yourself an adult suddenly with all this power and no knowledge of self control but a lot of knowledge of anger and violence. You accept it is wrong and you want to stop but you feel like a failure because you don't know how and you don't know who to ask for help and you become resentful that on top of the pain and hurt - you are not judged as an abuser even though no opportunities to heal or learn non-violence is available to you. What do abused children do in adulthood?
Answer
Dear sister
Children should not be subject to verbal, phsical or emotional abuse. All religions, including Islam, prohibit child abuse. Adults are responsible for the healthy upbringing & caring for their children. Unfortunately you had a difficult childhood & I really sympathise with you. Research showed that a % of abused children do the same or similar behaviour as adults. Fortunately this does not happen in all cases of those previously abused.
This means that it is not definite that those who were abused as children would be abusers to children when they are adults.
There are useful points in your questions:
1. You are aware of the problem
2. You are feeling guilty about it
3. You are motivated to change
My advice:
1. firstly make a diary & put reasons or situations that lead to make you out of control.
2. start reviewing these situation & look for an alternative to the behaviour you are guilty of
3. attending parenting clases could be very useful as this would make you feel more able, rather than unable. Feeling unable or helpless is likely to increase your temper & anger outbursts.
4. listen to your children & express love to them in various ways. This is likely to help to heal the effect of previous anger outbursts on them.
5. Remember the Prophet's (peace be upon him) advice to a Muslim who came asking the Prophet (peace be upon him) give me advice: The Prophet said: Do not get angry.
Best wishes.
Name
jamal
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
Salam everyone. I had a hard childhood and used to be very close to my mother but because of circumstances I had to live apart from her for more than ten years now. I remember being violent from my earliest memories and used to get into fights a lot and I was also rough with my little brother. Now I'm 24 and in the last six years or so I've stabbed my father, beaten up my wife and since separated and I feel that there is no hope for me.
I tried to kill myself but alhumdulillah didn't succeed. I've been to doctors and they say I need anger management - that's the understatement of the century.. I don't know what I need or what I can do to turn all this around. I find I get very angry over small things and it's like anger just flares up in me beyond my control. I'm destroying myself and I don't know how to stop.
Can you help me?
Answer
Dear brother Jamal (UK)
I can see that you had an unsettled childhood which may have caused some negative psychological effect such as a sense of insecurity OR rejection.
Your attack on your father was a serious one & your thoughts of self harm as well.
I agree that anger management could be useful in your case. I also suggest that you see a psychiatrist if you have not seen one yet by asking your GP to refer you. Some patients with such problem benefit from medications in addition to Psychological therapy. Your local psychiatrist can assess you & your suitability for this.
Also you need to consider other important helpful points:
1. doing your prayer regularly
2. choosing good company
3. learn to apologise for making mistakes
Best wishes
Name
Hiba
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
Hello and salam alikom. I have a problem with being bullied at school. I'm quite shy and don't know how to deal with it. I'm sixteen and lately I find myself getting very angry with my little sister - I feel that I really don't like her and if I get the chance I make her cry. It scares me cause deep down I love her and I don't know why I'm acting and feeling ike this. I hope you can advise me. I didnt tell my parents - I'm scared they'll think I'm crazy.
Answer
Dear Hiba
No, you are not crazy but very sadly you have been subject to serious bullying.
You are a shy person & this may have encouraged others to bully you.
1.You & your parents need to discuss this openly. If you are still subject to bullying, you need to speak to the head teacher or college tutor. Bullying should not be tolerated.
2. Your behaviour towards your sister means you are under a lot of stress & unable to find a way out of this feeling. You may find opening up to your parents helpful towards relieving this tension.
3. Seeing a psychologist (educational Psychologist) could be very helpful to address this problem & heal the effect of bullying.
4. You need to acquire some more social skills & be more assertive. The psychologist can help you with this.
Best wishes
Name
faiyaz
- Canada
Profession
Question
Assalam alaikum. Being a Muslim is hard and it's harder to be accepted at school. I go to a government school. I can't say how miserable I have been and lonely being one of a few Muslims in my school and getting teased and knocked around a lot. In the last few months I kind of gave up and joined in the gang and I've got in to trouble for fighting and all that. I want to get out of this cycle but im scared if I leave the gang I'll be back to lonely square one again. Tell me what I can do.
Answer
Dear Faiyza ( Canada )
Peer pressure is a well known problem for children & teenagers.
1. Being a Muslim in a Western culture is a challenge but you can enjoy this challenge if you learn how to handle it.
2. You are worried if you leave the group, you will suffer again. However remaining in the group is not the solution & may lead to serious consequences.
3. You & all of us should feel proud of being a Muslim. It is important that you do not see this as a reason for becoming vulnerable to others. Being different is not bad but could be an advantage.
4. Look around for peers of similar character & interests even if they are not Muslims. Win their friendship & support each other. In every school you will find friendly peers with a kind heart.
5. Speak to your teacher or tutor for advice & support. You will find this very helpful.
Finally do not feel that you have to be a follower to one or few leaders in the group. Why not learn to be assertive & be a leader yourself?
Best wishes Faiyaz.
Let me know what happens.
Name
janna
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
Hi everyone, the problem is my brother. He is now eighteen (I'm fifteen) and he used to be very gentle and quiet but now he is really a trouble maker and even tries to fight with my father. I try not to upset him because I'm scared he will hit me. I don't understand what's come over him and when I try to ask him or when mum or dad try to ask him he says there's nothing wrong with him. I wish I could understand how to reach him and help him.
Answer
Dear sister Janna
Teenagers may go through some degree of emotional instability or mood swings. This could be considered in many cases as within the normal process of change during this stage. However, you are describing a signficant change in your brother's character & this is a reason for concern.
1. If you or a family member is more close to him, please try to approach him in a friendly non-critical, non-threatening way & ask him about any problem in his life.
2. If this is not possible, you may need to seek a specialist's help. This would be very important if you consider the possibility that he may be abusing street drugs or he may be suffering from an early stage of mental illness.
I recommend that he is seen by his GP (doctor) for this purpose. A GP may consider referring him to the local Psychiatrist.
Best wishes
Name
Tasneem
- Egypt
Profession
Student
Question
Asslamu Alaikom dear Dr. Mamdouh
It is so nice to have this chance to ask about how I can control myself when I become angry. A lot of times I say to myself that I have to control myself and never loose my temper while fighting with anyone, because this makes me in the looser side. But every time I keep shouting as if there is a fire inside my heart even if there is no serious problem or a real clash with the other party. Please tell me what to do to control myself.
Answer
Dear sister Tasneem (Egypt)
Yes anger means tension inside & needs to be released.
You need to have a better & healthy way of releasing this tension.
Keep a record of your anger outbursts, precipitating factors & consequences e.g. I made others angry or upset or I feel guilty.
Sit & review these situations & examine carefully what would have been a more appropriate alternative.
Put a plan to enable yourself to use the alternatives in the future & record this healthy behaviour. Also record your feelings after this e.g. satisfied, relieved, or happy. Also reactions & comments made by others after a few weeks.
You will find this helpful towards having a healthy change & a better way of expressing yourself.
Learn to think before impulsively shouting or expressing your anger. Learn to be patient. Those who are able to be patient are rewarded so much by God (Allah). Don't you need God's reward?
Best wishes
Name
Zainab
- Spain
Profession
Question
Asslamu Alaykom Sir, I am a wife with 2 children. My Husband is so easy-to-be- angry and when he turns angry for any reason -even away from home- when he comes home he may hit me or any of our children for no reason. How can I deal with him to avoid his anger?
Answer
Dear sister Zainab (Spain)
I really sympathise with you & your children. Having to cope with such a problem must be difficult.
Has he always been like this or has he changed from a quiet to an angry person?
Does he recognise that he does this & is he willing to change?
You need to look into possible causes for his anger & violent outbursts.
Work related, home related or other.
If you know the triggers, try to minimise or eliminate these triggers.
- Give him time to speak to you when not angry & open this matter tactfully with him. If he is able to recognise this problem & is motivated to change, well & good.
Try to promote the change by praising him for his calm 7 positive attitude especially towards the children. Show him how happy you are & the children as well, for this. Pray for him and ask God to help him to be able to change.
If he totally denies the problem & is unable to accept the need to change, he may need to seek a specialist's help or that of a counselor or a psychologist.
Best wishes
Name
Abdinassir
- United Kingdom
Profession
youth worker
Question
Assalaamu alaikum,
My question is if there is any relation between coming from a war-torn country (failed state) and being a violent person?
I have worked with a lot of young kids who came from Somalia and many of them tend to be extremely violent and they don't consider the consequences of the their actions. Please respond.
Thanks
Answer
Dear brother Abdinassir
Yes,your observation is supported by research. Violence is likely to increase in cultures in which violence is one of the ways of self expression. Times of war & the absence of rule of law such as what happend in Somalia & some other countries can lead to this. There may be also some additional contributing factors to consider e.g. Social deprivation, perceived injustice & discrimination, witnessing trauma & war crimes. ...
Hope this answers your question
Best wishes
Name
Ola
- Canada
Profession
Question
Dear Dr. Mamdouh, Assalam Alaykom,
Some kids are so violent that we can't deal with them. They cry, shout and hit their brothers. Some parents try to stop them by fulfilling their demands in any way. Others choose to suppress their kids. So what is the best way to deal with a child without either spoiling or suppressing them?
Answer
Thanks sister Ola,
Children express themselves in the way they have learned. Most of their learning comes from home, nursery & school in addition to the big teacher TV.
We need to be very careful how to handle children's behaviour. Such behaviour may be a way of expressing their need for more attention or their dissatisfaction with something.
Important rules:
-It is important that we understand the reasons behind such behaviour to be able to address the problem.
-It is essential that we do not reward this negative behaviour. We have to reward the positive behaviour & discourage the negative one.
- Punishment should not be an option but use the following:
A. Positive reinforcement: give a reward for positive or good behaviour.
B. Negative reinforcement: do not give a reward for negative behaviour.
Hope you find this helpful. Let me know what happens.
Best wishes
Name
dd
-
Profession
Question
Assalam alikum brother:
Please let me know how I should deal with my husband who is very violent. He has repeated job losses and is depressed and does not know what to do with his life. When he becomes violent I retort back and we end up having firece fights. I am afraid about how this will affect my baby. How should I remain calm? I cannot control my emotions and cry out loud. This has happened to me in the past too whenever I am in a stressful situation I cry out in front of others.
Answer
Dear sister
I can see from your question how desperate you are. I am concerned about you, your baby & your husband as well.
I recommend that your husband is seen by a psychiatrist to assess his mental health. He may be suffering from depression with a lot of frustration & difficulty coping with these feelings. If you are in the UK or another western country, encourage him to see his GP & if appropriate go with him for support. Reassure him that seeing a psychitrist does not mean that he is mad or crazy.
Please do this as soon as possible.
Let me know what happens
Best wishes
Name
nora
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
Salam Alaykom. I am 15 years old and I have been told I suffer from depression. I have been to see a psychiatrist and he gave me good advice and some medication. That was three years ago. I think I'm getting better now but from time to time I get very angry with my little sister and to control it and to stop myself from bursting out in my talk and behavior I get very quiet then my parents tell me off for not communicating and for being like a rock. I don't know what to do. Can you tell me why young people like me get depressed so much? It's almost like a part of growing up is to get depressed - surely that can't be right.
Answer
Dear Nora,
It is evident that depression is a recognised problem in our modern life.
You said you are 15 years old & had been treated for depression 3 years ago. It is less common for people to have depression at this early stage & there may be reasons for this in your case.
You were treated with medication & now you are feeling better but having these episodes of anger followed by becoming quiet (like a rock).
Do you think there are other feelings or psychological issues that have not been addressed yet? I mean you have been treated with medication only with siginificant improvement. However, there may be some other issues not addressed yet.
Also if you have stopped your medication, this may have contributed to the current problem.
I think seeing your doctor to discuss the points I raised would be helful.
Best wishes
Name
Mo'menah
- Bahrain
Profession
Question
Dear Dr, I noticed that the rate of violence has increased nowadays more than it was 20 years ago, and it has turned to be a phenomena. Is that true or is it that the rate of violence is the same but that the statistics are now more advanced so as to show the real rate of violence? Thanks in advance.
Answer
Dear sister Mo'menah
Very interesting question and there is no straight or easy answer. Violence by individuals, groups or states?
Possibly a combinaion of more than one factor:
1. More awareness of this problem
2. Less tolerance to such a behaviour
3. Effect of recent advanced media & communication (Satelite channels & internet), so we can see & know about violence at the same moment.
4. Violent individuals use modern technology as well that lead to more damage & make others feel more threatened.
Do you feel there is more violence in Bahrin than before?
I think this could be an area for an interesting research.
Best wishes
Name
A
-
Profession
Question
Asalaamacaleygum. I have quick temper. i yell and criticise i lot. i try hard not to hit because i know it is wrong. in my childhood i suffer physical and emotional abuse.I am afraid my children to suffer. please help. thanks
Answer
Dear A ( not sure brother or sister )
Difficult childhood can lead to emotional problems which may continue into adult life particularly if the efffects of the abuse gave not been resolved or addressed.
Some points that might help:
1. Forgiveness is a good way of promoting psychological healing & makes us feel positive. Do not forget, forgiveness is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength & will be rewarded by God.
2. Learn to be patient & in control: think before letting your anger an outlet.
3. Prayer & seeking support from your religious belief could be of great help. Fasting can be an excellent way of learning to be patient
4. If you feel that the effect of childhood abuse is difficult to overcome by forgiveness & self control, consider seeing a counselor Or a psychologist.
Best wishes
Name
ghulam rasool
-
Profession
Question
Can we raise hands on our parents grave for prayers( dua )?
Answer
Dear brother
I am ver happy that you pray for your parents. May Allah reward you for tjis.
Praying to parents does not have to be at their grave.
I suggest that this question is passed to one of the scoolers to answer.
