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Answer
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Name
Miss
- Pakistan
Profession
Question
Asalaam u allaikum brother sister I'm finding this very difficult to talk about, so please bear with me. When I was roughly six years old I was sexually abused at school, and I guess I wasn't sure what it was about. But, later on in life, throughout my childhood the abuse happened quite a few times. I have learnt not to struggle, and I just let it happened instead. Sometimes when the abuse took place I had to do it back to the person, and vice versa and I guess other people got involved who were at a similar age to me.
I then developed a mental problem at the age of 16 and was sexually assaulted at the age 18. Although I am slowly beginning to overcome what had happened to me when I was 18.
I can not stop thinking about what had happened during my childhood. I have managed to forgive the people who did this to me during childhood but can not forgive the person who assaulted me at 18. The things that had happened to me were bad. But now I'm having difficulties in forgiving myself for allowing it happen to others even though I thought of it as normal during the time. I was a slow learner, and developer, and I slowly began to realize what had happened to others and I.
Maybe this is why I have managed to forgive people for sexual abuse but unable to forgive them for rape. I just want to make it clear that the abusers during my childhood and the abusers during adulthood are different people altogether. I was almost in a sense of not knowing the difference between right and wrong. I'm having difficulties with thinking about my childhood, and I just feel constantly distressed that as I try to overcome one problem another one turns up. Even though I was the one who was raped I?m just glad that it didn't happen to anyone else. Please help I need your advice.
Answer
I am sorry to hear about what happened to you as a child and as a young adult. We are taught as Muslims and as women to "overcome" adversity, to submit to our lives, to forgive and to trust in Allah. However, overcoming adversity does not always mean that it will vanish or cease being part of our memories.
You will always have these events in your memory and your healing will take place by accepting that and by resolving the feelings you have with these events.
You have made two important steps already - one is that you remember. Many victims do not remember their abuse, and by shutting it out they create even deeper emotional issues in their lives. Secondly, you are asking for help. I hope you can find a counselor who lives nearby and can be a guide for you during this time of reconciliation with your past.
The first step to healing as a victim is to realize that you were a victim at one time, but to make the decision not to continue being one. As a victim of abuse you were not completely aware of what your options were. Children do not have the ability to perceive and deal with complex external issues until they are at least 12. Before that age children are still developing their sense of self and how that relates to the rest of the world. If the abuse happened (as you indicated) as young as age 6, this could have also effected your development and caused you to go through your 12-year-old awareness later in life. This could be why you feel so strongly about the later abuse that happened when you were 16, but don't feel the same about the earlier abuse. Because, during the time of the earlier abuse, your mind was not able to completely comprehend it.
For this reason, you can also not hold yourself responsible in any way for abuse that happened to others at this time. As a child you did not have the mental or emotional capacity to overcome the situation you were in. It would have been near impossible for you to overcome your own situation enough to "save" others unless you had been lucky enough to have an adult to help you. However, it sounds as if you did not have anyone to help you.
The rape you experienced later in life happened when you were more mentally and physically aware. Because of this awareness you may have felt that you were safe, that you would not have to endure the abuses of your childhood, or that you had more control than you did.
However, rape is much more than a physical act, it is an act of taking over someone on an emotional, mental and physical level. Later, after the act happens, the person tends to see the rape as a physical assault, forgetting that their mind was also assaulted. This can also lead to victims of rape thinking they could have somehow prevented the assault or they were perhaps somehow part of the problem.
You can start to heal by realizing that you were a victim in the past and that you can choose not to be in the future. You can take back your power.
More important than forgiving the people who hurt you, is forgiving yourself for being hurt. Ironically, people who are abused often have an easier time forgiving others but often remain angry at themselves for what happened. Imagine that you are speaking to yourself as a friend. What would you tell this friend? Be as compassionate with yourself as you would be with a friend.
Insha'Allah you can find someone to talk to on a regular basis and can start to heal from these horrible experiences. Perhaps someday you will even be able to help others who have been through similar experiences.
Name
muslimah
-
Profession
Question
As salamu 'alaykum
I would like to know how to heal from emotional abuse and divorce. i was being divorced with the reason that my mental state is not stable - so all the reasons point to me as being weak, not stable and, not wanting person to live with. while at the fact most is the opposite.
So now I want to try to heal from:
1. being hurt/the feeling of rejection from divorce (behind my back - by phone) while I am out of the country( 10 month ago ).
2. He mentioned that he doesn't want to live with someone like me mentally and physically (my body)which is dragging my self-esteem down.
3. I am coming from emotional abuse of being belittled, every single thing I did was criticized, seemed wrong or not enough, and there was a change in how I was being treated from being valued being devalued -- crazy-making in decision and rules, controlled, manipulated etc...
He is confusing me with what he wants or what I should do - it is about emotional mind-games. No yelling (only very bad faces and angry voices, no name-calling (only a couple, just because I called to him (too much) when he wants to sleep - he called me a 'bitch', which is shocking to hear, the other make as song about a dorky face. There is no hitting or chocking ( he just slaps my hair - he said he wants to knock the wall... he cried because I truly shocked him... every second he is pulling me down, while I was laying down on the bed he said its because I'm skinny. I got pulled down again, it's shocking. For whatever reason he is willing only to grab my foot...we were just having discussing about why he marry me if he doesn't want me)
Other times he can be a very, very good husband but it depends on his mood which is unpredictable (again he pointed me as unpredictable person ).
But in the end I am the one who gets the blame. I am not normal/stable, and a weak person because of my reaction to those attitudes. I am feeling crazy and feel like a craft [object].
I can't write a journal as I don't like it. No psychiatry, no one to talk to, to brainstorm with; or at least to get an opinion about my reaction whether it is normal or not.
Deep down I know that he has his own issues with himself, but when I am subjected every second those things in the marriage, I am the one who tries to make it work. It makes me exhausted, but again he points to me - he is the one whose being exhausted etc -- it's like i am the abuser for him.
I am at the stage of hating him or wanting revenge. i just want to be healed - in fact I still care for him, and he is always on my mind though he just throws me and walks away like trash - the ending is very bad.
Sometimes I can have a good mind this is the decree from Allah (SWT), and because He loves me so much He saves me etc. But most of the time I am lost.
I try to re-build my connection with Allah (SWT) because that's the most comforting thing, but I truely am lost about "Me". Sometimes I become suddenly afraid, or I get panic attacks if I meet someone who's controlling or manipulative because I have too much in my life [going on] starting from family [natal], close friend which al hamdu Lillah is final. I healed, but then I got IT again in my marriage, and this time it is truly damaging me.
Besides the divorce and the emotional abusive relationship, and the environment I live in. Also I am not really supported because I have to live in my old environment, old community -- that's why I struggle alone to heal. I avoid the old community, and friends. I have become a silent person, and I avoid talking about personal things. No one in my family/friends Know what really happened, because of the response; moreover I am not an open person.
I am not blaming everyone or making them look bad on him because I believe I have mistakes too. i tell you so that you will understand the situation, and how to heal from that.
I am sorry for taking so long. I hope you can understand what I am saying, and my situation; because I really want to heal from being hurt, I am ashamed, and I want to tell myself that it's over, and I want to stop thinking about wanting him again.
Answer
Dear Sister,
I understand from you that you would like some advice on how to heal from emotional abuse and divorce; and that you are having conflicting emotions about your own part in the abuse & how you feel about your ex-husband? If I have missed something please tell me.
You can start by remembering that each person is responsible for their own actions. You mentioned that "I am not blaming everyone..." because you believe you have made mistakes too. However, your mistakes do not give another person permission to abuse you. Even if everything he said about you was true (and you have indicated it is not), he still would not have permission to abuse you. No matter what a person does there are no circumstances that give another a "free pass" as to how they are going to abuse another. This is also the main principle behind the reasons why it is seen as "wrong" to torture people. The general rule is that human beings deserve a certain amount of dignity no matter what, and that we have not been given permission by Allah to treat other humans in an abusive manner.
Once you start to see that these abuses were choices your husband made, then it will be easier to see the abuse, and to see clearly that you do not want to continue with the relationship. As long as he keeps you believing that you are somehow at fault, or that you somehow caused his behavior, you will be unable to fully trust your own instincts and feelings and knowledge about this situation.
It sounds as if you have already done a lot of thinking and reasoning about this, and that your logical mind, and your heart has already shown you the answers - that it is not your fault, and that you need to move on. You already know that this person is unhealthy for you, and that they are hurting you. But the small seed of doubt he is planting in your mind is causing you to doubt what reasoning you have been able to accomplish.
Realize that this is part of a typical abuse pattern. One of the main tools of the abuser is to plant doubt in the victim's mind in some way. As long as they can make the victim doubt themselves, then their job is much easier. Sadly humans can defeat themselves much more easily than another person can. An abuser is aware of this either on a conscious or unconscious level. Thus, one of their main tools is to make sure they say or do enough things that their victim will do some of the job for them.
This also makes it especially hard to accuse some abusers. Especially in the case of emotional abuse, the abuser can be very skilled at creating situations in which their victim is actually abusing themselves (through self doubt, feeling crazy, becoming angry and confused, becoming ill, becoming anxious, etc...).
To move on you need to take back control of your emotions and your mind. Remind yourself daily that it is YOU that is in control of what you are thinking and feeling and not him. Try to do one thing every day that allows you to make a decision about something in your life and control some aspect of it. This daily practice will increase your confidence and help you see more clearly.
For example, you can decide to take control of your anxiety by starting to take herbs or see a doctor and receive medications or therapy. Anxiety can often be caused by living for years in great stress and is nothing to be ashamed of. You can take control of this by being proactive in solving your problems. Some other ideas on how to take daily control -
1. Start an exercise program.
2. Promise yourself not to call him, talk to him or think about him for one day. If you do, have a plan about something else you will replace that thought with.
3. Start a healthy eating program
4. Choose one thing in your life you have always wanted to change about yourself and work to change that.
5. Choose one thing you have always wanted to learn and take a class or read a book about it.
6. Call someone who is feeling badly or needs help and give them support.
7. Volunteer to help someone in need.
Continue to make decisions that reassure you and you will heal. Recognize the patterns in his behavior as patterns and not as sincere emotions or actions and you will be able to understand what is "real" and what he wants you to believe is real.
Name
S
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
I can't stop crying whilst I type this, I got married 2 years ago to the love of my life who I knew for about 5 years prior to marrying him. Our families particularly mine were against our marriage as it wasn't arranged, but I convinced them after much torture. I grew up without a dad, and I felt like I couldn't trust men.
Al hamdu Lillah my beautiful husband came into my life and my thoughts changed. After we got married we moved away to another country, his family began intervening a lot, from having children etc -- to cut the story short.
I had 2 miscarriages, and in the end after suffering a lot of abuse, physical, mental and financial, my husband left...
We are both back in our home country and he doesn't want to ever reconcile. I pray night and day...tell him I love him..yet he said he has moved on..I cry so much, I pray to Allah for patience...
I have started getting my life back, back onto my courses, a good job, back home with my family. I have started praying more, but he has gone...he has gone forever..I have tried it all..he doesn't want to reconcile..
Any advice for my pain to go..please..I feel like a part of me has died..I pray that Allah makes him a good human being and helps him on his journey on earth and in the Hereafter, ameen.
I'm so sad - my heart hurts so much...
Answer
Dear S,
You have suffered a great loss, and it is understandable that you feel great pain. Instead of trying to escape your pain, realize that it is OK to feel this pain and to experience it. Do not fear your pain or be upset with yourself in any way for your recovery process. One of the main things that can interefere with recovery in these circumstances is when people try to "recover" too quickly. It IS very healthy to move on with your life, and do the things you have done - have a good job, go back home, etc...However, just because you are getting your life back on course does not mean that you will recover your emotions so quickly.
Make sure that you give yourself permission to cry and feel the pain. If you can learn to experience it instead of avoiding it and fighting it, then it will slowly start to subside. Imagine you had the pain of a headache - if you squint your eyes and hold your head tight and try your hardest to resist the headache you will just make it worse. By relaxing into the pain, relaxing all your muscles, closing your eyes, and perhaps even sitting in a dark room, the headache will get better (even if it does not go away instantly). The same happens with the pain of your emotions.
. Life is a balance. There is a verse in the Qur'an that says:
“Verily with Every Hardship there is ease, Verily with every hardship there is ease.” [Surat Ash-Sharh; 5-6]
I am sure you have heard it before, but you may have felt anger at the people reminding you of this verse. A person who is in pain does not want to be told that they will be "rewarded" with ease later. You don't need to hear "everything will be better" - you need to have permission to feel the pain, but also a deeper understanding of what this Qur'anic verse means. When people cite it they often encourage the person to "look ahead to that ease". However, the verse goes much deeper than that. It illustrates a basic nature of life - that there is balance in everything. For this reason you are feeling such great pain now. You can only feel pain as much as you felt love for this person and that love was a gift. Life is always a balance. If your love had been less, you would feel less pain.
Remember the feeling of love you had and welcome that feeling into your life again. Give thanks for the experience of love you felt with this person.
Last, but not least, remember that there is a wisdom to life that is not always revealed to us immediately. I worked with two clients recently who experienced this. On client was heartbroken for two years because her fiance had changed his mind about being married. She was traumatized because one day he seemed to love her dearly and the next day he would be distant and angry at her. She could not understand why he no longer wanted to marry her. After two years of suffering she finally learned by accident that he was an alcoholic and it was actually the drinking that had caused his moon swings. She was shocked at first that she had not been able to see this secret that he was hiding from her. Lately she has grown to be thankful for the fact that he refused to marry her. She now realizes that the marriage to him would have been traumatic and that what previously seemed like a curse was actually a blessing.
I have worked with so many clients and seen similar stories over and over. It has increased my own faith in Allah for I see that he is certainly Al-Muhaymin (The Protector) - even when people's hearts and minds lead them to poor choices Allah always protects them by sending a solution. The luckiest of people are those who accept the solution by having faith and completely submitting themselves to the flow of life.
These solutions will often come in the form of "closed doors". So, if you see a "closed door" in your life, try to see it as a message - the message is - "this door is closed, but there is another one open somewhere else that is wonderful." Once you stop trying to open the closed door and look for the open one, your healing will begin.
Name
Zara
- Pakistan
Profession
Question
Because of being sexually abused in my very early age, and then being involved in masturbation, I'm unable to stop it now. though in the last 3 months I have not practiced it, but I feel a lot of craving, I don't know how to overcome it. Some times while sleeping, it happens automatically, and at that time I'm really unable to control this practice. I used to read the articles here for overcoming masturbation, and I know every way to overcome it, but the real problem is how to practice these ways and methods when my heart is not willing to practice them.
Now my real problem and question is how can I stop this craving and appeal. I pray al hamdu Lillah five times a day, keep fasting, but when having these thoughts I think myself to be a hypocrite offering prayers as I can't concentrate on the prayer; and also I don't get out of the bed to offer prayers. Please suggest to me some way to stop thinking about sex related activities, and to actually stop from the heart.
Answer
I understand from your question that you have read articles before on how to overcome masturbation, but that you are having difficulty following the advice in the articles because your "heart" does not seem to be cooperating.
This is often the case when a person wants to do the thing they feel is "right" but are unable to. It is a normal human condition to always have this struggle between the ego (nafs) and the will. Allah has gifted each person with a will and that will is so strong and important to humans that in the Qur'an it says:
"And so (O Prophet) exhort them; your task is only to exhort; you cannot compel" (Al-Gashiya 88:21-22)."
Only humans have this will, but we also have the ego which tells us to fulfill our own desires instead of using our will-power. Of course this is easier. If someone puts chocolate cake on a plate in front of you it is much easier to eat it than to resist eating it. If someone offers you one thousand dollars it is much easier to take it than to question it or refuse it.
Life is a series of challenges to the will. Through meeting these challenges we become stronger as humans in faith, spirit, mind and body. If we never had to struggle we would remain weak in body, soul and mind.
When we can start to see these challenges as opportunities we can grow in faith and overcome our struggles more easily.
Try to move beyond seeing this event as something you will overcome, or something that is a result of a childhood trauma. Instead, look again at this challenge in your life and try to see it as simply one of many that you will encounter. Once you overcome this one, another will most surely take its place so focus on overcoming the ego and strengthening your will and you will be able to meet this challenge with more ease and future ones as well.
Challenges become easier to overcome with practice so this is an opportunity to start on that path.
Name
humera
- Pakistan
Profession
Question
Dear Scholar, I am the oldest of six siblings living in the US with my husband and two boys. I grew up in Pakistan where I always saw my mother suffering because we lived in a joint family with my father's older sister who was a widow. My mother who at the time of her marriage was only 17 is an educated , beautiful,gentle woman was not treated very well and the biggest problems besides all the other issues was that my father cheated on her, my mother is a wonderful Muslim woman who never complained, and raised her 6 children in the best manner she could in spite of the verbal and mental abuse that she tolerated all the time by my father and his sister.
My father was the sole earning hand and had to raise 2 nieces and a nephew , he was a good provider, but not a good father,he has a very short temper and we could never be close to him because of that, he would start yelling and screaming at little things.His temper kept us away from him but the saddest part was that he was nice to other people's kid, he would laugh with them and be nice to them but not to his own kids ad the same was the case with other women he is a different person when he is around his friends and their families and just to tell you a little detail he was involved in politics so we always had different women coming to our house for that matter.
My mother could never confront him because he would make her life miserable till now after 40 years because he is 68, and is still obsessed with women. It breaks my heart to see that a woman who has served him for so many years he has no respect for her, he still curses her out, and insults her. When my mom asks him why he does that he says it is none of her business.
My mother is a God fearing person who is so confused as to how to deal with all this since she herself is not very young anymore, she has a lot of health problems and is not able to tolerate his abuse. He wants her to be a good wife and be nice to him in spite of his cheating and verbal abuse.My mom says that sometimes she doesn't feel like talking to him because of his behaviour, but then fears ALLAH(SWT) that ALLAH would be angry at her for being not nice to her husband.
She is going through mental torture, and says that in this age she can't leave him. She cares for him in spite of all that he has done, but can't take his abuse anymore.
My mom thought about leaving my father several years ago, but couldn't do it because she had children and had nobody to turn to; so she has devoted herself to us and gave a huge sacrifice.
She performed Hajj last year, and said that she prayed that he might change but he would change for a few days and then go back to his old self.
Under these circumstances what are her duties as a wife? What should she do?If she tries to stay away from him by going to my sister's house or my brother's my father gets mad.Also as children what are our duties to our father because he doesn't earn anymore and my brothers give money and sometimes i send my father money but i fear that he spends that money on other women.
My mother is a beautiful woman who was tormented by these sick people please guide us . We can't talk to our father about this because all 6 of us are scared of him, and he already thinks that mother has turned us against him whereas that is not the case. My mom used to discuss the problems with me, but she thinks it is BACKBITTING and that she is committing a grave sin by talking to me about father. My fear is that my mother is going to have an emotional and nervous breakdown, she has been relying upon antidepressants for years now ,Please guide us. May ALLAH (SWT)gives you reward for helping others.
Answer
Your mother is lucky to have a compassionate and caring daughter that wants to help her, and also has such great insight into her situation. This will be the key to her healing - your support and understanding.
It may be difficult for her to make a change at this point in her life. The trauma of the change may be greater than the challenges she is now encountering with staying. It is hard to know, as I do not know her personally and have only a few paragraphs to gain insight into her life. However, keep this possibility in mind. There are solutions and ways she can change her ways of thinking and things she can do. However, if she is unable to do these things she will need your caring support in her life more than ever.
To be the most effective in your support let her know that no matter what decision she makes you will be there for her. Let her know that you are not judging her and that you accept her decision and that you believe she is wise and able to make the decision that is best for her. Let her know that no matter what you love and adore her. Spend time reminding her about the ways in which she has inspired you and provide her with love, support and reminders about how you admire her as a person and how grateful you are to have her as a mother.
Although your father is abusive to her, a person's life is made up of many people, so you can lessen the effects of his abuse on her by making sure the other people in her life are a strong, frequent and positive energy in her life. I have seen many women overcome abuse by focusing their energies on the other people in their lives instead of their abuser.
To focus this energy away from him she also needs to accept that he is not going to change and start to see the patterns in his actions instead of each action as an individual attack. It seems he has the pattern of always becoming involved with other women, of yelling, of...
If she can expect these behaviors, rather than see each one as a new attack on her, then it can become much easier to shut his voice out of her mind and to hear the voices that love her more easily.
That said, it would be preferable if she could leave the relationship. He is not going to change and the continued abuse is not good for her health - emotionally or physically. Even though the abuse is emotional it can actually cause physical damage. In fact, the physical damage can be even more extensive than if she was hit. I often wonder why there is such a distinction between "verbal" and "physical" abuse as the can both cause many health issues in the victim. Physical abuse can leave bruises and broken bones. However, emotional abuse can cause constant stress on the nervous system and can cause many related health problems. Remember - the nervous system runs the body in many ways. It helps deliver messages to the organs in the body to tell them how to work. If this system becomes stressed the wrong messages can get sent. Anxiety and depression are the two most common results of nervous system stress. However, this stress can also cause ailments as simple as constipation or problems as major as heart disease.
You asked about her rights - she has the basic human right of being treated like a human being and with respect. You also asked about your duties in giving money to your father. You have a right to know where that money is going. If you feel it might be spent on other women you could encourage your brothers to pay your father's rent or utility bills directly instead of sending money. Perhaps you could send your father clothing or food or help pay some of his bills instead of giving him cash.
