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Answer
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Name
Muslima
- Syria
Profession
Question
Asalamu `alaikum.
Thank you for this very beneficial topic. I have so many questions!
First, why do we have inner anger? I understand that there is a healthy anger, one that is justified, such in the case with Israeli occupation of Palestine and everything that goes with it. And there is unhealthy anger (at least in my opinion) without which the life would be better. I am very concerned about the latter one. For instance, being angry at husband for almost never helping in house, or with children. Why do we get so angry?
Secondly, how to prevent this type of anger and how to deal with it once it hits. Dhikr Allah is about the only thing that helps me, but I am sure you have more suggestions.
Thank you!
Answer
As salamu 'alaykum,
A lot of our inner anger comes from our expectations. How many times have you been angry and you find yourself saying, 'I am so angry that (person's name) didn't (verb) or say (fill in the blank)"
So often we are angry because people, life, our job, our family or friends do not do what we think they "should" do. These "shoulds" are different for each person so each person's reasons for their anger always seem different, but in reality, much of our anger is similar.
One way to release a lot of this anger is to try to accept more and expect less. My favorite example is one that I experienced when I was a new mother. I was not every knowledgeable about children so I was very angry at my 2-year-old for not cleaning up her room. I felt this anger inside me but I didn't want to be angry at my little child so instead I turned the anger inward and felt very frustrated, upset, and tired of struggling. Soon after, when I was doing some teacher training I learned that children are not able to clean their rooms by themselves until they are older. This was a surprise to me, but once my expectations were gone my anger vanished with it.
In your example you are saying to yourself "I expect my husband to help with the house and the children and I am angry that he is not." You can change this phrase to, "What is my husband doing to help us as a family?" or "Why is my husband not helping in the ways I need him to? Is there something I can do or understand more about this situation?" or "How can I communicate my needs to my husband and encourage him to help me in those needs?"
To deal with any kind of anger I find that compassion is often a good cure. When you feel angry at a person, ask yourself questions about them. What are the things I love about this person? How difficult is their life right now? What challenges are they facing? How can I help them? Ask yourself questions until you can see this person in a different light. If you can change how you see a person in some way, the anger can often change.
Time is also a good solution. Problems are rarely solved when a person is angry so it makes sense to wait until one is not angry to discuss or try to solve problems. Often we are upset about something and want to talk about it right away. However, it is always best to wait. Learning to wait is difficult but it can become easy with practice when one realizes the rewards that come with waiting.
Waiting can be the process of taking a breath and counting to ten, or it can simply be saying "I am going to take a walk now" and then coming back to talk to the person after your walk. Waiting can be retreating to your room, taking a shower, taking a "time out", sleeping or even waiting for a few days. I used to do the dishes when I was angry and often felt much better after. The rewards are numerous. The person you are angry at always listens better when you are not at the peak of your anger. You are able to state your points and needs more clearly when you are not at the peak of your anger.
Insha'Allah this is helpful.
Name
Sister
-
Profession
Question
As salamu alaykum...
i just wanted to ask what is best, when faced with hurtful racist comments? Though we feel like saying many things at once - but what would be the best thing to do?
Wasalam
Answer
Your reaction would depend on the kind of comment you are receiving.
Some racist comments are naive without understanding what they have siad and done. The person making these comments truly does not realize the comments are racist or hurtful, and did not intend any harm. If you encounter comments such as these it is often helpful to answer the question or reply to the comment in a gentle way, but to tell the person how it made you feel and explain to them that you wanted to share this with them so they did not have misunderstandings with someone in the future.
Most people with good intentions are happy to learn something new and may thank you for your answers to their questions or comments (even though they were asked in a racist way) and your insight.
Some racist comments are made by people who want to be intentionally hurtful. These come in various forms as well. Some comments are made in passing as you are walking down the street or driving by. If a person is not approaching you directly then the comments obviously have a lot more to do with them than with you (showing off for friends, low self-esteem, etc...) and are ignored. Their hearts are not open to hearing a response and any response would only fuel the personal fires they are trying to flame.
Other intentional comments are made in conversations, in groups, at events or in some other direct manner by a person who is seeking a reaction from you. There are many ways to deal with this. One of my favorite ways is to agree with them and smile. This does not always fit the situation but the reaction on most people's faces is priceless. The last thing in the world they expect you to do is agree with them. This can work with more moderate comments like those referring to your appearance, manner or dress, manner of speaking or something you have done.
With more aggressive comments that perhaps more directly target you in a religious or political way, one method that can work is to pretend that you misunderstood and answer as if they said something that was not racist. Pretend they had the best intentions with what they were saying, interpret their phrase with this filter, and then answer according to the filtered statement. However, remember, if you answer you are engaging the person.
You need to weigh each situation. You have the power to decide if it is worth it to you to engage with this person or not.
When a person says one thing to you - it can be hurtful - but it is also just one thing and you can choose not to accept it. If you choose to engage with a person by responding the cost is often higher as they may continue to escalate what they are saying and cause you more harm.
You can take back your power by realizing that the person who has said these statements has just wasted their time and mental energy thinking about you and what to say. Now you have a choice. Do you want to do the same? If you decide "no" then you have already won because the other person has spent time thinking about what to say, has spent time saying it, and now is spending time wondering why you didn't reply. However, you can choose to spend no time at all, and thus you "win". Seeing the situation in this light can often help dissipate the anger.
Some comments, however, are made in an aggressive manner. If you feel you may be in danger from a person who has made a racist comment you should seek a safe location and ask for help. Any threats to you should be taken seriously and should be reported to the proper authorities.
Above all, however, one must practice detachment from such comments and realize that they are not part of who we are, but part of who the other person is as along as it does not interfere with you obtaining any of your rights e.g. education, employment etc.
Insha'Allah this is helpful.
Name
Kathy
- United States
Profession
Question
Salam...
I am a very ultra-sensitive person, and I try hard to follow islamic rulings, and to my knowledge avoid at all costs hurting people.
At times - I find myself angry, because I find myself taken advantage of, and abused by many people; in particular people that are close in relations.
I thought people get what they give, but I always get people who are needy and want to use me. My mother, regardless how hard I try to be good to her, she is unappreciative and denies that I did anything good to her. While my sister who dumped her in her old age, and treats her bad is pampered by my mother. My mother seems to treat her children that are loyal and good to her bad, and treat her kids which are selfish and unloyal to her very good.
Our family was never a family that was nurtured right, as the domineering personalities were enabled by my mother to step on the conscientious ones. Growing up I tried hard to be sincere and truthful to God, despite the forces pulling me the other direction. I refused to rationalize or make justifications for sin. I stood my ground when I felt something ethical needed to be done, which meant standing against friends or family. I in a a state where I am confused and not sure how to understand the two personal situations I am in. One is my mother, which I described above.
Recently, my sister caused a major fight with my mother. I learned not to interfere as I always get dirt in my face. Each one was backbiting the other and disgracing the other to our huge family. I refused to get involved, but one day my sister was on the phone verbally abusing my mother who was just listening to every word. My mother was suffering from major health issues. I tried to talk to my sister and She hung up, and then I left her a message in English, being her older sister, yelling at her for her foul behavior. My mother turns around and grabs the phone from me. They both make up a few days later, as my sister always gets away with abusing my mother and manages to force my mother to submit to her needs and views. Then they aid each other in claiming that I was spreading fitna between them and my mother who was like a kitten absorbing the verbal abuse from my younger sister, demands I apologize to my sister. I was stunned and very angry and have been battling feelings inside that wonders if I should continue to take care of her or leave them to themselves. I kept reviewing the events, and thought if I said something to turn them against each other, I could understand, but I know I refused to get involved and they both were disgracing each other on their own to the world. Another situation I am in is quite confusing and left me afraid to ask God for anything.
I made du'aa once to Allah to help me find a good spouse and to make my heart incline toward him as I have a hard time saying yes to anyone. One night I had a dream, that someone came from the shadows of darkness proposed then stood back in the shadows waiting.
The next few months I enrolled in classes on Islam, It dawned on me that someone was giving me hints that I was not reading as I am always distracted with my family problems. I suppose I am dense in the men women department. I don't give signals and don't know how to read them. I don't like people lusting over me, so I don't lust over men - to me it is degrading. So I always treat men like my own brothers with dignity and respect. When I tried to understand the hints - I was not sure what to make of it so i wondered if this was an answer to the du'aa. He was not making improper gestures, but leaving hints if I would be open to marriage. I started to look at the person and see if this is the person - no haram interactions took place. I am pretty strict on that. He is a teacher at a local school, and I take classes that he teaches. I liked his sense of honesty and mannerism, and how he carried himself. Then I found out - he was married. So I freaked, and refused to take any classes or go anywhere where he was possibly around. I also asked God to protect his marriage and family and bless them and to help me forget him. Then I dreamed he said goodbye and left. I am afraid to ask God again, as I am not sure if God answered my du'aa and I rejected the answer. I just cannot see myself in such a marriage, I would rather be alone. I don't like hurting people, and I don't want to open doors of abuse to myself anymore. I have had enough with my family. How do I reconcile my feelings with God over this. I just want to be sincere and true to Him, but I am afraid to ask Him for a spouse again as I might not like how it is answered. I don't want God to be displeased with me over this.
Answer
First, I want you to know that you are not alone in your general situation. There are many kind people who feel the same way and are confused at the amount of abuse and poor treatment they get "in return" for their kindness. From what I have observed over the years - in my business and personal life - a lot of this has to do with the limits people set.
There are some people who set very few limits for how they treat others, but set very clear limits on how they expect to be treated. There are others who set very clear limits on how they will treat others, and set very few limits on how they expect others to treat them. From what you have said above it seems that your sister may be one of the former, and you may be part of the later group.
The healthiest balance, of course, is to try to set moderate limits for how we treat others (not with abuse, but sometimes honesty) and moderate limits to how we expect to be treated (not with abuse, but from time to time we do need to listen to those harsh words so we can learn). However, the key is understanding that it is we that set those limits - not others.
You will be happier in your relationships if you can take some time to think about or write down how you expect others to treat you. After you have thought about this clearly in your mind, think about what you can say to other people that will help them understand, in a gentle way, what your limits are. Once you are firm in your expectations then all you need to do is gently, but firmly "enforce" your new rules.
For example, I have a rule that I will not discuss anything with someone who is yelling at me. I don't feel yelling is conducive to the best conversations or problem solving. So I will gently tell the person, "You can choose to yell at me OR discuss this problem with me, but not both." if they don't respect the choice I have given them I can choose to repeat myself and then leave the room if they refuse to hear what I am saying. I can refuse to participate. Once you have set your limits with someone you can choose how you wish to "enforce" those (in a gentle way of course).
Many kind people spend so much time thinking about how to be kind to others that they don't take enough time to think about how to be kind to themselves. Other people, for some reason, don't believe they deserve some things in life. Other people have trouble being consistent. However, for people to recognize and begin to respect your limits you need to know them yourself first, believe you deserve to be treated better and you need to be consistent in enforcing your limits.
You may often find yourself in situations like you have described above because other people have defined their limits and are clear on them. However, you may not have yours defined or may not understand how they have defined theirs. Perhaps your mother is allowing your sister to say things to her and is just listening because this is what she has found works best for her. Perhaps her limit is in listening, but she will not participate in the abuse. I am just giving an example, of course. I do not know what your mother's "limits" are. However, I do know that each person's are personal so it is difficult to know what another person can handle and what they can't unless you ask them directly.
It also sounds like one limit your sister and mother have set with you is that they do not allow you to yell at them. Once you yelled, you crossed the line with them and put yourself into the territory of "doing something wrong" in their eyes.
This can all seem quite unfair, but it does make it easier to understand if you start to see how consistent these "limits" can be.
For example, do your sister and mother always get upset when you yell?
In the second example you give, it sounds like you set your limits very clearly with this gentleman, and for that, you were rewarded. You were very clear on not having any haram interactions with him. It was setting this limit with him that saved you from having any future regret or embarrassment. Then, you further set your limits with him by refusing to even be in the same room with him after he made these suggestions. You were rewarded by peace - the peace of mind in knowing that you avoided a very complex and potentially agonizing situation.
I would not look at this as a bad sign, but rather a test that you passed successfully. To be ready for marriage you must be clear on what you want in a marriage and on how you will proceed with the engagement process. During this incident, you have shown you are more prepared than most women in such situations. Insha'allah you will be matched with the perfect spouse for you when you are completely ready.
Insha'Allah this is helpful.
Name
Fareed
- Afghanistan
Profession
Question
Hello! I have problem with my memory as I can't remember anything, e.g. when I get up to do something, when I stand up and start moving towards that place where I'm supposed to do that work, I forget whatI was doing and why I stood up and went to that place. I need your advice in this regards. I will be most thankful.
The best Fareed Ahmad
Answer
Dear Brother,
How does this cause trouble when you try to balance your anger? It is unclear from the information you have given how this relates to anger. I also have many additional questions:
Have you seen a doctor about your condition? Is this situation happening all the time or only occasionally?
Have you always had this problem with your memory or is it new?
How old are you?
What are your diet and lifestyle like?
I would need answers to some of these questions before I would be able to offer you any useful advice.
In relation to anger and management of anger I would suggest writing down what you are upset about so you can discuss it with the person later. If you are forgetting about your anger and the same situations are occurring over and over this could cause a lot of inner frustration over time.
Name
J
- Dominica
Profession
Question
I am so angry about the hypocrisy towards Michael Jacksons life. If they had shown a quarter of the love they had shown at his death, maybe his life would not have been so tragic. -
Answer
This is a common situation with all people who are in the public eye. It is not only Michael Jackson, but also every other famous person you read about in the newspapers and magazines. This can also happen in situations with people who are not necessarily famous, but are in the public eye for some reason. The first example that comes to mind is people who run for public office.
I have seen children running for public office at school or local people running for the school board of a small community who receive a lot of abuse once they put themselves into the public eye.
We must remember that when someone is in the public eye that we only see part of who they are. In the case where someone is writing ABOUT them, we only see what that person wants us to see. It consistently amazes me that people base opinions on these partial views of a person.
You can turn anger for this situation into something productive by being an advocate for people in this situation and reminding friends and family that gossip is gossip - even if it is about
"famous" people. Gossip is not condoned in Islam. There are many Hadith that talk about gossip. The following is one of many -
Al-Bukhari and Muslim related that Abu Hurayrah said that the Prophet said: "Let the one who believes in Allah and the Hereafter utter good words, or let him be silent."
Insha-Allah the love that is being shown now is benefiting his family, and helping them in their own tragic situation of losing a beloved family member.
Name
S
- Pakistan
Profession
Question
My question will sound very silly to you because most people don't worry about things like I do. I don't have anyone to call a friend. I do have company, yes, but no one who I feel truly cares. The two girls that i stay with always boss me aroung and keep on getting angry at me over small things. Then I have to beg them to start speaking to me again.
I used to have a friend, who did care a lot, but after some time she switched to another school, and then we didn't remain the same friends as before. I try making new friends, but I often feel that people tend to get repelled by me. It's not like I am unfriendly or any thing. I feel that God can help me. I only need to find the right words to ask Him. tell me, what is it that I should say to make Him listen and grant me?
Answer
You deserve to have friends that respect and love you. You deserve to have friends that treat you with respect and love. One good friend is worth hundreds of "poor friends". It sounds as if you are in a verbally abusive situation with the girls you are living with. Often, people in such situations can develop a low self-esteem and start to believe, over time, that something is wrong with them.
In reality, something is wrong with the people who are getting angry at you for "little things" and then requiring that you beg them so they will speak to you again. This is abusive behavior. Abusive behavior towards a person can often cause their life energy to "wilt".
Other people can often sense this "wilting" of a person and this sense can make them cautious in their approach. It may take a longer time for people to get to know you in this situation. Continue to chat with and be friendly with those that want to get to know you better and give time to people who treat you with respect. You may find a good friend among one of those people.
Another thing you can do to help yourself is to nurture yourself and protect yourself against the abuse so you have time to "bloom" again. People are easily and quickly attracted to someone who blooms and glows. However, this is hard to do without the proper nurturing environment, just as it is hard for a plant to grow without sunlight, water or soil. And what would that plant do if you stepped on it every day?
When these girls boss you around and get angry with you insist that they submit their complaints in a proper and respectful manner. If they don't , you do not need to listen to what they say. Alternately, you can ask that if they have consistent problems with you that you all sit down and discuss those problems and set down a list of "rules" so they do not need to get angry. It sounds as if many of the things they are angry at are not important "small things". However, if they do feel they have legitimate complaints then they should be able to communicate those to you clearly and not in "daily snippets".
When these girls get angry at you try to imagine you are protected by a glowing light and what they are saying cannot get through your protection. Keep a list of things that make you happy and give you positive energy and try to do these things or think about these things after one of the girls yells at you so you can counteract the negative energy they are filling you with every day.
Insha-Allah this is helpful.
Name
M
- Nigeria
Profession
Question
As salamu alaykum It is known that men are naturally leaders and stronger than women and it is their responsibility to lead and protect their family- The Qur'an affirms this. What would you say of some men who are naturally weak and poor leaders. Should such men marry at all, can they marry? This case applies to me. I am very weak and very poor in leadership. I can't stand up to protect my right, i remain cheated most times. I will feel angry but cant speak out and stand firm for my right. I see myself helpless and most times I burst into tears in such situations. I can't shout or yell out. In general, I see myself so weak, soft and more like a feminine. I am also somehow passive and lack initiative. Am an introvert and have poor social relation with people. Am also quite, gentle and cant talk much. I can't hold a smooth spontaneous conversation. Most times my head is empty and I don't know what to say- I think I have ALOGIA. I am boring and a lot of the time I run away from people because I feel embarassed when I am not able to converse smoothly. I dont have much aspirations and goals in life.
I have started thinking of marriage and some months ago a very good religious sister was recommended for me. We set out to know each other and after two months when this sister got to know more about me, she had no interest and feelings towards me due to my weak nature, poor leadership quality and my personality. Now I have come to understand that women want strong, brave and real men who can lead, protect them and whom they will be proud of.
With my condition and especially since it is NATURAL with little or no changes (improvement) possible, i dont think any responsible sister will like me. Does this mean I am not capable of marrying? Please advice especially with respect to my weak nature, personality and leadership from Islamic point of view. Remain blessed.
Answer
Women and men have the same problem in this area. Although there are four temperaments in human nature, there is only one temperament that is considered "acceptable" for each gender. (For more in depth information about Islam and The Temperaments you can search for my articles on Islamonline that talk about this.
Of course, this does not make any logical sense. If all men "must be" of the melancholic/choleric temperament combination and all women must be of the phlegmatic temperament what happens to the other 6 temperament/gender combinations? It is quite clear in the Qur'an that we are all intended to get married - not just a small portion of the 'Ummah.
In your situation, it sounds like you are more of the phlegmatic (water) type of temperament. This temperament is sometimes defined as being "weak in nature and personality" and "lacking in leadership skills". However, in reality, people of this temperament are not lacking anything - they are perfect the way they are. People of the phlegmatic type are peaceful people and pleasant to be around. They will not "talk your ear off" or offend easily. They are often very polite and do not make decisions quickly, like leaders, but more carefully, like wise-men. There are many positive qualities in the phlegmatic temperament.
You may find the best match with someone who is like you so they understand an appreciate you more. However, it is also possible that you may find a match with a very melancholic/choleric woman who appreciates you for the peace you allow her to feel when she is with you.
When you come to appreciate the many gifts you have to bring into a relationship, then you will be able to display and offer these gifts more readily and you will find women more responsive.
Insha-Allah this is helpful.
Name
A
-
Profession
Question
Salam Dr.,
I am just wondering why do you need to balance the anger? Would not it be better to remove the anger and live free from it?
Thank you very much
Answer
In life there is always anger and peace, hot and cold, black and white, kindness and cruelty. We cannot escape the duality of life. In this sense, everything is about balancing. If we completely "remove" anger then we are not really dealing with it at all - we are just ignoring it. When people remove negative feelings or emotions from their life they often feel they don't have permission to have these feelings to begin with.
It is often not possible to control the emotions that happen in our bodies as they are sometimes physical in origin, and thus it may be impossible for some people to live free from anger completely.
However, it is possible for a person to control what they do with these emotions. In this sense, we are "balancing" what each person naturally has within them or experiences outside themselves.
Name
J
- Pakistan
Profession
Question
I don't have peace of mind I have one daughter and my in-laws says that they now need baby boy how I can do this my husband say what we get it',s all up to Allah and I know about every thing but still i donnt have any intention to pray i donnt know why please pray for me that Allah giv me hidayat thanx
Answer
I apologize I have difficulty in understanding your question. However, I will pray for you to have peace in this matter. Blessings & Health, Karima
Name
A
-
Profession
Question
Salam again Dr.,
I have been harboring anger against my father since I was age 15. He doesn't keep words, a miser and always oppress woman especially my mother in a way that prevents her from empowering herself. He always believes that such woman is a curse to the family and fears that I may be following my mother's footsteps by forcing me to study at a distant university that completely against my wishes. Now I have no joy and interest to study nor looking forward to go back home for I deeply respite of seeing him. Until now i couldn't forgive him but at the same time I notice myself that I'm starting to lose my balance as well. For example, i can't communicate my ideas as effective and articulate as before nor can i express my needs. I have lost my interests in doing activities or socializing and I find myself to be more isolated but at the same time i cannot vanquish the anger within. Any reminder of him would lash out those emotional turmoil that sometimes beyond my control... that sometimes bring myself into embarrassment as my tears just stroll down before many people. But i admit that it feel such a relief though.
Now i am a graduate student and not that very much looking forward into the future. I am just simply sitting in my room day-by-day for i can't concentrate nor focus as before when it comes to study. I'm like having a sanctuary at my hostel w/o attending to classes. I'm seeking balance and harmony within but I have no clue how? Any advice would be welcome and thank you very much!
Answer
Our session has extended this evening and I am left with only a few moments to answer, however, I do want to answer, even if it will be short.
Part of letting the anger go with your father will be accepting him as he is. We often forget that parents are people too - they do have faults and can sometimes be difficult people to deal with or have traits that are unattractive or disturbing. However, he is the person that he is and his parenting will reflect who he is, and not what the "ideal father" should be. Another part of letting this anger go will be realizing that it is hurting you more than it is hurting anyone else. Keeping anger towards anyone can eat away at your life energy. You are already struggling with him. You do not need to struggle more and add more pain to the situation by keeping the anger. Anger is a hurtful emotion when we keep it, when we realize that, it can make it much easier to let it go.
Do we want to keep emotions that hurt us? Of course anger will come again and again. But do we want to keep it?
It also sounds like you might be experiencing some depression which may or may not be related to the situation with your father. With depression it is hard to tell. When a person is depressed they often put reasons for their depression on situations in their life. On the other hand, sometimes situations in our life can "cause" depression. It would be helpful if you could see a health care practitioner and explore this possibility with them. They may be able to suggest some herbs or natural remedies you can take for depression.
Name
Editor
-
Profession
Question
Finally, we would like to thank Dr. Karima Burns (www.TheHerbnMuslim.com) for taking the time to answer the questions of Islamonline viewers today, and we also thank all those who participated in this dialogue. We apologize for not being able to accommodate all the questions within the time allocated to this session. Look out for upcoming session… How to Keep a Relationship Alive !…
Answer
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Name
fatima
- Australia
Profession
Question
Salam,
Ever since I became depressed people tell me I am short tempered, controlling and in a way always critical.... how can I improve it ?
Please help
Salam
Answer
Depression often comes with anxiety and anxiety can often exhibit as anger or "quick temper". If you can calm this inner anxiety you will see an improvement in your temper as well. Some things that can help with anxiety are:
1-Reduce caffeine in your diet to one cup of coffee or tea per day.
2-.Reduce sugar in your diet.
3- Make sure you are eating on a regular basis and not skipping meals.
4- Drink two cups of calming herbal tea each day - one in the morning and one at night. Some ideas are - chamomile, peppermint, skullcap, hops, or passionflower tea. Be sure to research each of these to make sure they do not have contraindications for you.
