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IOL Homepage Editor
Name
A
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Profession
Question
Salam Dr.,
I find it hard to concentrate on my work while fasting: not eating and drinking (coffee?), but I have never been as busy as now. How can I manage?
Answer
ASsalam Alaykum A,
The fast is more difficult for people who need to concentrate on work, especially later in the day. If you are used to having coffee in your system, then drink some 30 minutes before Fajr. Make sure that you also drink some water at this time as well, and eat something that will last awhile. Oatmeal or something fibrous, along with some protein. If you do this you will be fuller, longer. Also, take a nap during the day, (perhaps during your regularly scheduled lunch time) and, go to bed after Isha to make sure you get 5 hours of uninterrupted rest. Even if you cannot sleep, just laying there quietly will rest the body and recharge your batteries. Close your eyes if possible, and shut out noise if you can. Then do some stretches when you get up, and trick yourself into feeling like you just got up. This will help you get through the second half of your day. Now you are resting your body for 6 hours daily, and possible even a couple more after your morning coffee and breakfast. On your days off, you can catch up on your sleep during the day time.
I find that splashing the water on my face during wodu' before prayer is also helpful. It wakes you up. Even if you have your wodu', go ahead and splash water on your face. Finally, stretch often throughout the day to keep your blood circulating.
I find that after a few days of following this kind of routine, my body, and mind adjusts to the new "program".
The single most helpful thing you can do to make this time easier for you if you have a job that requires your full attention during the day, and you have a demanding job, is to plan for your Ramadan ahead of time. If you plan, and get as much "focus" work done prior to Ramadan, and save as much vacation time as you can and take it off during Ramadan, then your work days will be much easier. Schedule important projects to be completed before Ramadan if at all possible and take time off, if you can. This usually takes a years worth of preparation for those of us with professional type work, but this strategy is well worth implementing.
I hope you find this helpful.
Maryam
Name
muslim
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Profession
Question
assalamu alaikum Dr.,
I'm wondering about herbal remedies for sleep - vs. taking sleeping pills and the sort - which have lots of side effects - herbal remedies for insomnia or depression. Thank you & jazaki Allah khair.
Answer
ASsalam Alaykum Muslim,
Try Valerian Root, Kava kava, or warm milk. These are the most effective natural sleep helpers. Only try one, do not combine. Try the warm milk first. If that doesn't work, you can try the Kava Kava, and then the Valerian root.
Often just waking up early for a few days in a row will help your body fall asleep on time. If you wake up 2 hours early, and do not take a nap for a few days, eventually, you will fall asleep on time. This will help to reset your clock. Continue to get up early until you automatically fall asleep on time.
Also, make sure you have a "wind down" routine each night. A "getting ready for bed and sleep routine" Start this at the same time each evening. This routine should be about an hour and includes your nighttime hygiene, putting on sleep clothes, and reading, or listening to relaxing music, or watching television (be careful about the TV choices). This will trigger your mind to stop thinking about the days work. If you are used to pre-planning your next days "to do list" before bed, change the time of day that you do this. Do this before dinner, and have your day's work wrapped up before dinner. The rest of the evening is for family, and winding down.
If the natural remedies don't help, try using benedryl once in a while. This is an anti allergic medication, and it is an over the counter medication. It is safe, and it does make you sleepy.
I pray this is helpful for you.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Hawa
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Profession
Question
Salam Dr.,
Fasting makes me more contemplating and more vulnerable. I feel like crying all the time. Is this normal?
Answer
Assalam Alaykum,
For many, this is absolutely normal. We are not only cleansing our physical bodies, but we are cleansing our emotional bodies and our mental bodies and your spiritual bodies. Tears are healing and cleansing, and can help the mind and heart to become clear. If crying is what you need to do right now, let the tears flow. Try writing in a journal what you are feeling and thinking at this time as well. This will facilitate the process.
As far as feeling more vulnerable, we can feel more vulnerable because we become weaker. Even our minds sometimes slow down if we are not used to fasting. So, take extra precautions, and don't talk with men at this time, except for your husband, and your family members. Also, if you feel like your feelings are hurt, write this down in your journal. The beauty of this, is that while we are feeling more vulnerable, and our defenses are down, we can uncover our deep seated patterns of thinking and being that have been barriers to our well being. So, let this cleaning process unfold naturally, and don't be afraid. It gets easier each Ramadan. These Ramadans make us stronger each year. Make sure you are eating food that is rich in vitamins, and that you are including some fruit when you break your fast. Also eat a little bit at various interval during the night...keep it by your bed if you are sleeping... this will help regulate your blood sugar and stabilize mood swings ... then let the rest unfold and be very gentle with yourself.
Salaam
Maryam
Name
muslima
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Profession
Question
Al Salam Aleikum,
I'm a person who wears the hijab, and before Ramadan began I would always see myself in dreams without my scarf in front of people, always looking for it because it would be missing; but I would only attribute those dreams to shaytan. Nevertheless, even in Ramadan I continue to see myself in my dreams without my scarf and always looking for it. I don't know what to think any more, for it is causing me to be a little distressed.
Answer
Assalam Alaykum Muslima,
Thank you so much from writing in. This dream is definitely coming from deep within your own being, and you are becoming aware of something inside yourself that needs attention.
I would not fear this dream. It is symbolic. The taking off of the hijab can likely mean that you are feeling vulnerable at this time in your life. The looking for the headscarf, could be a symbol of feeling vulnerable and wanting to find protection. It can also mean that you are becoming more transparent and wanting to share your thoughts frankly with others.(which can also make you feel vulnerable) Or, you may have a desire to be understood and seen for who you are. Another possibility is that you are wanting your expression of religion to be pure an authentic, to have face validity... and you want this authenticity to lead, and the head leads the body. Still, looking for the headscarf is very significant, and perhaps even more significant that not having it on. This does not mean that you are in danger of loosing your hijab in real life, or of loosing your devotion to Islam and your practice. These are just a couple of ideas of what the symbol of not having your head covered could mean. Remember the head symbolizes the thinking part of you. Your hair is your femininity, and this could represent a time of rapid spiritual growth and uncovering or your own womanhood, and may also be leaving you vulnerable. Again, you could be seeking protection. Pray to Allah, your Protector, and look inside yourself for these answers.
Whatever the symbol of being in front of people without your hijab may mean, it is personal to you. If you realize that it is representative of something inside yourself that is awakening or growing, or a fear or conflict that you are resolving, then you will be better able to identify the symbolic meaning and complete this work. Once you do this, the dreams will go away.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
hurt
- Pakistan
Profession
Question
Dear Dr. Maryam,
Assalam'alaikum wrt wbt.
I wrote to your email address 2/3 months ago but I did not get a reply. I & some other reverts married to born Muslims (Arabs & Pakistanis) are facing very similar marital/family problems because of the discrimination & aggression of our men & their family members & relatives, they never trust us for our chastity & faith, they always say that our children are not theirs. Whatever good we do is never enough for them. they never think what good they have done for us & the children. I hope you can understand how much stress it caused on us & our children. I really don't understand why they are all so similar in doing the similar wrongs to their wives. their tongues & mental torture skills are so similar. some sisters had to run away for the sake of their sanity. How can we deal with such people & situation? Jazakillah Khair.
Answer
ASsalam Alaykum "hurt",
I apologize for not responding to your e-mail. I must not have seen it, otherwise I would have responded.
Admittedly, there does seem to be some distrust of western women. The solution to the development of healthy relationship among those who marry interculturally are two fold. One is on the individual level. The second is on increasing the awareness of general expectations and the differences of behaviors and increase understanding across the different cultures.
In each individual being wiling to learn about the other's culture and meaning behind certain behaviors etc, we can decrease suspicion and distrust.
On an individual level, you must first establish an agreement to travel this journey in order to a marriage to be successful, and to be willing to talk about where distrust and fear is coming from. This seems to be at the root of the discord. Learning about each other and each other's communication style and making changes in one's habits will go along way to improve relationships. Don't be too naive, if you are a western woman, and you want to marry a traditional south east Asian or middle eastern man, you will be making a lot of changes from the western norm. Still, there are many women born in the west, who themselves are really tired of some of the western norms as they feel they do not lead to the kind of respect of woman and protection of woman that they crave, and this is often source of the attraction to the middle eastern man. But, if a woman plan to enter into such a marriage, then she must also be open to learning his ways and understanding him, and also be wiling to make behavioral and cultural changes herself. The woman in Islam has a right to choose her husband. So, if you are making this choice, be ready to do the work. One tall order of the western woman, is to teach the middle eastern or south Asian man that she, in fact, does have morals, and is chaste... heart to heart talks, that are open and respectful, yet direct can help with this. Instead of becoming offended, realize that these men usually judge the western woman by what he has seen on televisions and has heard from others. And just as many things that the west has been told about Muslims, many things that these men have been told about western woman are not true either, yet it brings their heart to fear. So, to increase trust, it is helpful to live according to their culture and become friends with women from their culture. One thing about women, is we have a universal nature and culture, and women naturally help woman, regardless of culture. We don't usually have the same intensity of cultural barriers. Its as if we are psychic with each other. So,you find yourself not having a clue as to why your middle Eastern or South Asian man is acting the way he does, and you just can't make sense our of it... talk with your sisters who are of the same culture..they also know how to appease these men and settle them down...they will tell you what to do. Pride is very strong in these cultures, so you might not be able to get this "how to" information directing from your husband.
On the more general level, it would behoove the Ummah to begin a campaign to increase awareness and understanding across cultures. An American Muslima is very, very chaste. The confusion may come from subtle little differences... for example, in the west, a woman is taught to be assertive and verbal. If she is not, she will be trampled on, used, and maybe not survive the American culture. Thus she is taught how to survive as a woman in the American culture from a very young age. The very same behaviors that the western woman must use in order to survive in the west, are considered rude and disrespectful in the east. So, when a western woman speaks her mind clearly and directly to a man from the east, and this man become insulted...the woman is left very confused...after all, she is just trying to communicate and foster and environment of mutual support!...on and on it goes, there are too many examples to put here, but you get the idea.
Whether as individual married couples, or as a general population, we must educate ourselves on what the difference of behavior means to each culture... this will increase trust.
Any woman thinking abut marrying a man from a culture that is different from hers, really must take the effort to learn the culture. You can be honest with your future husband and tell him that you want to learn, and respectfully ask questions. Any man, regardless of what culture he is from, will support a woman in this if his heart is not hard, and he really wants a wife to love him and be by his side.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Zofashan
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Profession
Question
Salam Dr.,
Is there a dua or easy way in Islam for someone who suffers from mental health issues or is constantly being told she is unwell for years until she does react violently, is there a cure in reading the Quran only in Arabic... I don't want therapy, have messed up behavior, I'm wary of people and medication, find it degrading to go to people. After second breakdown, feel need to depend on people, was always independent. what r the cures in Islam for mental illness n disturbed mind or behavior. I always read that the Quran is enough. Spiritual sickness leads to mental illness they say, or is praying and keeping faith in God enough?
Answer
Assalam Alaykum Zofashan,
Submission to Allah, means allowing His Grace to penetrate your life. I am not sure what mental illness you are suffering from. If you tell me what it is, I can make some more specific suggestions. For now, meditating on the 99 names of Allah would be very helpful.
Keeping your routine for the prayers will be the most beneficial activity for you that you can do.
Remember , there is no person on this earth that can get through life without receiving help from other people. Remaining isolated will cause mental health problems for any one of us. It is best to accept help from professionals if at all possible as this protects you from the inaccurate and inappropriate judgments of others, whiles offers you the opportunity to work through the barriers to your well being and happiness in a safe place with someone that you can develop trust with.
Depending on what your mental illness is, you might consider medication, even if just temporarily. Again, I really cannot comment on this until I know what your mental health issue is.
Balance can be achieved through healing spiritually, but access to this door of healing is usually through our emotional body. So, working with our emotions, learning how to regulate them and how to resolve the conflicts that cause emotional unbalance will help you become calm so that you can explore you spiritual self and you spiritual life. Working with our emotions is something that most people must do with another person for awhile until we acquire the skills to manage our emotions on our own. This it the way it is for all of us, so please, don't hesitate to reach out to people who are trustworthy and safe. Even once we acquire and master the skills of resolving inner conflict and managing emotions, we still need trusted people in our lives to turn to... this is something basic for all human beings.
Independence and autonomy are illusions and they don't work. To be healthy and to thrive, we must learn how to become interdependent, and the first step in doing this is to reach out and learn how to receive help from another human being.
Please keep writing in. I am here every Sunday, in addition to the special Ramadan sessions.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Ahlam
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Profession
Question
Salaam Dr.
I have a problem. I have a sleeping disorder: I don't fall in sleep easily and sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night. In the mornings I'm often exhausted. Now with Ramadan I want to wake u for suhur and fadj, but then I won't fall in sleep again easily. So the last two days I didn't wake up at all, though I have medicines I should take and I would like to pray. What should I do?
Answer
ASsalam Alaykum Ahlam,
First and most important...whatever you do, set your alarm to wake you up to take your medications.
The "worries" will only make it harder to get on track. Don't miss taking the medications that are vital to your ability to sustain your health. Talk to your medical doctor to see which ones are vital. It is much easier to do prayers on time, but it also takes time to train the body and mind to follow the routine. So, just don't worry, and make them up. Meanwhile, you can also pray supplemental prayer.
You said that you wake up in the middle of the night. I am wondering what your appetite is like. Sometimes sleep problems like this are symptomatic of depression. I would like to continue this conversation and would like a little more information as I might be able to help you better with more information. Tell me what your medications are, and why they are prescribed to you.
During Ramadan, many of us change our entire routine completely, and take our medications at night. We also change our sleeping habits in order to be awake longer at night. Since you have been waking up in the middle of the night, your body is used to this. You can take advantage of this for now, and set your alarm for the time you are used to waking up, and take you medications at that time. That is just one thought. Also, just during Ramadan, during the days that you do not work, see if you can catch up on your lost sleep. One problem with anxiety and depression, is that it can mess up your sleep cycles, and the loss of sleep will then increase the depression and/or anxiety. This is a vicious cycle and must be broken. We need to trick your body into getting the rest and sleep and regenerative time that it needs so that you can be healthy.
Please let me know a little more about your situation so we can develop an "action plan". Perhaps we can use this time of Ramadan to reset our biological clock and work toward health.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Ayaan
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Profession
Question
Salaam Dr.,
How can I use Ramadan to be more optimistic about life and about my work?
Answer
Assalam Alaykum Ayaan,
This is a great question! Ramadan is a time to really get in touch with the most intimate aspects of you own soul and your relationship with Allah.
You will find that a lot of what I suggest throughout the year includes reprogramming the mind, and doing a lot of cognitive restructuring and cognitive behavioral work, as well as the psychodrama work of uncovering hidden emotional or spiritual conflict and resolving that. I advocate actively and consciously working on creating more positive thoughts, behaviors, and lifestyles. This is a lot of work. However, during Ramadan, I take a different course. It is time to take a break from all of that. Here is why:
During Ramadan, we let go of as many layers of the mundane as possible. If you follow the spiritual path of Ramadan during this month, you have an opportunity to allow cleansing your mind and your heart from the core of your being. Instead of using the tool of psychology, the doors of Spiritual Abundance are wide open. You can give your confused mind and your wounded heart to Allah and allow healing to take place on a much higher plan... the spiritual plane. The result will be that you become much more optimized and content. After Ramadan, you should feel a revision of energy and the ability to focus better on your goals. During Ramadan, focus on the journey of Ramadan itself, and let that be foremost in your mind. We just completed 10 days...these are the ten days of Mercy... reflect on that. Receive the mercy that you need. The next ten days will offer you an opportunity to forgive yourself and others, and to seek the forgiveness of Allah. A huge load can be removed from your metaphorical back if you allow healing through forgiveness to work in your life while the doors of heaven are open. For the next ten days, live, breathe and be forgiven. Then, after that, you will be able to focus on redemption from hellfire... in that you will be able to receive the love, mercy and forgiveness of Allah, and you can be in the state of consciousness where your heart and mind and spiritual self are open to receive the most powerful gifts of Ramadan. So, during this time, go inward, let your thoughts unravel, and quiet your heart... go to that still place where you can hear the angels. If you do this, Allah will work wonders with our life and your work. You experience will change, and so will your outer world... but this is done by going inward at this time.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Salma
-
Profession
Question
Salam Dr.,
I am currently living in Saudi Arabia, and I am engaged to a US citizen. In Saudi we cannot get married without the permission of the government. Unfortunately, there are some strange rules such as women under 25 are not allowed to marry foreigners (I am under 25). I have been in this situation for well over a year now and have asked my father if I can just leave and get married in the US, and he has obviously said no. I have been so patient and so hopeful for a very long time, but the distance and the situation is putting stress on my relationship with my fiance. I have heard from more than one person that reading Surat Yaseen 40 times then making duaa will have our prayers answered. I don't know how true that is. Also, say I just decide to leave and go to the US...Would that be considered as me disobeying my father even if these laws are non-Islamic to begin with, and I am just trying to stay on the right path and take my right as a Muslim and as a human?
Answer
ASsalam Alaykum Sister Salma,
Please ask our esteemed Scholars about what is disobedience to your father and what is lawful according to the laws of Islam.
We do want to be careful and we want to keep our relationship with our parents and family healthy. Remember, they are your best support system. Also remember that you will not be under 25 forever. Your father may be worried about letting his daughter travel to a country so far away, where you will not have the safety and support of your family. This isn't so much a power "trip", as it is a concern for your welfare. Please try to understand not only your father's rules, but why he has them. And also consider that usually when there are laws, they are placed there for a reason as well. Usually laws are for our own protection.
Remember Allah answers all prayers. However, Allah really does know best, and if the answer is "no" there is a reason. When we put our life in the hands of Allah, and we submit to His will, all that happens will be for our benefit, even if we don't understand that at the moment. This is where trust comes in. I would put some trust in your father's judgment, and consider it.
I am curious how you met this man from the US. How old is he? What does he do for a living? Has he contacted your father and tried to develop a relationship with your father in order to gain your father's trust and confidence in this marriage that you believe you want? What has this man done to prove that his intentions are to love you as much as your father loves you, to care and protect you as much as your father wants to care for you and protect you? These are some things for you to think about. And, if this man really wants to marry you and be a loving, devoted and responsible husband for you, make sure that he proves this to your father. It is he should be convincing your father of this marriage, not you.
