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Yours,
IOL Homepage Editor
Name
Shaheen
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
Salaam Dr.,
Why an abusive wife keeps going back to an abusive husband that show nothing but disrespectful to her? she says she loves him when he calls her the worst names and treat her very badly. if she is late from work he asks her if she was escorting for lack of a better word if you know what I mean. Why are there so many sick and immoral men. What is the punishment of an oppressor?
Answer
Salaam Shaheen,
There are so many reasons why a woman stays in an abusive relations. Most importantly, do not blame her or judge her. Usually the woman is exposed to years and years of "brainwashing" so that she does not even know who she or that she has any worth at all. She believes that she is completely dependent on her abuser, and in many real respects, this is true. Often times, such a woman has been told prior to marriage that she is worthless over and over again by her caregivers as well, but this is not always the case. If she should leave her abusive situation, where will she live? How will she care for herself, who will help her? Who will help her without judging her? Women stay because they worry they cannot take care of their children, women stay for economical reason, women stay because they are made to believe they deserve the punishment by their abusers, women stay because often the community surrounding them would not believe what is happening.
Often if such a woman tries to get help, the people she asks for help from just judge her and tell her to go home and be a better wife. She is told that it is her fault over and over again by her abuser, her family, and religious leaders until she starts to believe it herself, and if she does not feel there is anyone to help her, then she has to make a choice between poverty, perhaps loosing her children, and learning to live with the abuse.
Chances are she does love her abuser. She did not marry him because she thought he was going to abuse her. He most likely has some very good qualities, and there was a time in their relationship that she felt she was going to get her own emotional needs met. Most abuser are very charming, they have two faces. They have a kind, loving caring face, and then they have that very scary face. Many abusers feel very ashamed and are genuinely sorry for what they are doing, and wish they could stop. The abused person senses that there loved one has a problem, and unconsciously or consciously wants to save the abuser. Of course, this isn't possible. The abuser must get help if he wants to make changes.
Sometimes, the abuser really does love his wife, but he is so mentally and emotionally disturbed that he doesn't have any control. This does not mean that the woman should stay, because the danger and the damage of staying is very acute. And,of course, in an abusive relationship, the woman's emotional needs are not met. That is the secret behind the abuse. She keeps on needing, the abuser holds what she believes is the only key to getting those emotional needs met, so she become addicted to him, and she thinks this is love. Of course, by the time the situation gets this far, she probably doesn't know what love is supposed to feel like. Most abused women have never really been loved for who they are by anyone. She feels alone and helpless, and she believes she must stay with her abuser... it is basic instinctual survival, but unfortunately, often times, if the abusers chronic and physical, it gets worse and worse, and can lead to the death of the woman, and sometimes the children as well.
We are living in a time where we have many mentally ill individuals. The systems of the world that govern us are very dysfunctional. Many families are dysfunctional. We are not living very healthy lives. In some cases, men become abusive as a symptom of their emotional and mental distress Chances are, there are other symptoms as well, The reason for separation is not to punish or judge the abuser. It is a way to keep the woman and the children safe while the abuse gets the help that he needs.
Again, abuser and immoral behavior comes in many, many forms. Spousal abuse is just one of them. It is a symptom of severe dysfunction. A first course of action should emphasis getting the psychological and spiritual help for the whole family, not just the abuser. The reason is because in an abusive situation, the family has learned how to play out their own "roles" in the abusive scenario. It repeats itself and continues to escalate through each cycle. And each time a cycle of abuse plays out, it gets more dangerous. Both spouses need to get treatment. Sometimes the only way is to live separately while they are getting therapy. This would be the best intervention. If you punish the abuser, it reinforces his believe that the world is against him and reinforces his belief system that he is justified in either fighting or ruining away. These are the two basic instincts of human kind. The abuser should have an opportunity to work through his issues in a safe therapeutic environment and learn to solve his problems, communicate his needs, and resolve conflict in a positive manner. (and the abused victim should get psychotherapy as well). The abuser usually hates himself and this plays a part in the vicious cycle. Sometimes the abuser has a mental illness, such as methamphetamine addiction, or addiction to alcohol, which mimic schizophrenia and is paranoid and delusion. He may actually have schizophrenia. So, the abuser is really sick, and really needs help. In rare cases, the abuse is a real psychopath, in which case, the family is in very grave danger and must flee no matter what, and there really isn't any known way to rehabilitate a psychopath (a psychopath doe not suffer from psychosis, he is very deliberate and knows what he is doing, and abuses for pleasure.) Most cases, the abuser is really suffering and does not want to be an abuser. For this person, punishment might be the only deterrent.
I hope this information is helpful.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Lamya.
-
Profession
Question
Salam Dr.,
Due to traumatic Past,I find it difficult to remain positive and happy, even when everything is going right for me.Off late,l have been blessed with Many a Blessing, but I still tend to get extremely worried as to when,God forbid things will change. This Worry,controls me completely,My time,My feelings,My thoughts.
This has been groin on for quite some years now.
I can't force myself to stop thinking otherwise.
Do I need Medicines to stop feeling despair and worried and crazily pessimistic.
thanks...
Answer
Assalam Alaykum Lamya,
In many cases like yours,medications can be helpful. The reason is because you may have suffered from chronic depression in the past. And, although your depression was likely circumstantially induced, and not due to a chemical imbalance in your brain, your brain got used to functioning in a traumatic state. Sometimes the temporary use of a medication gives you the opportunity to "reset" your brain. Once you get some relief, then you can work on changing your belief system about the world and how the world is going to treat you.
You are correct, don't try to force yourself to stop the worry. Rather, become aware of when you are thinking worry thoughts and write them down. Now, write a canceling/positive affirmation for each main worry. Repeat these affirmations every time you have a worry, and every morning after you brush your teeth.
You might also want to get some psychotherapy and cognitive restructuring therapy while you are taking the medications. (Or even if you decide not to take the medications) It can take two years to really have a lasting change in your "minds tape recorder"...but it is well worth the effort. Hoover, you will likely feel a difference and some relief from your symptoms in abut three to four weeks.
While you are doing this work, remember to remind yourself every time you pray all of your five prayers daily, that Allah is your Raab, He is your Protector, He is your Sustainer, and Allah is Most Merciful and Most Forgiving. Remind yourself that you are Allah's beloved creation. These are truths, and your subconscious will not fight the truth.
These last ten days of Ramadan are very powerful. If you can, pray as much in these nights and into the wee hours of the morning after midnight, before the sun rises. Hopefully you will also pray on the Night of Power. Allah is the giver of miracles and Allah can heal you from this anxiety. Ask him. This is the best time to ask him to remove your fear and anxiety. Ask during supplemental and voluntary prayers. Get yourself in the habit of doing these extra prayers specifically for the removal of fear and anxiety, and the experience of peace, contentment and joy. Remind Yoruba that Allah wants you to experience peace, contentment and joy. This is a truth, tell yourself often. Also, write down everything that you are thankful for, and pray extra voluntary prayer of gratitude to our Lord for your blessings. Remind yourself over and over again that these blessings are from our Lord.
Gradually, over time, one day at a time, your life will change. If you follow this advise and keep praying throughout the year for these, and follow the other advise I gave you as well, then next Ramadan, yo will be surprised, and you will have prayers of thanksgiving to offer.
I pray these suggestions are helpful to you.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Alish
- United States
Profession
Question
Salam Dr.,
Alhamdulillah I am engaged but have been for a long time now (about to be 3 years soon). My fiance and I have tried to encourage our parents to get us married but to no avail. At the same time, my fiance and I talk freely on the phone and I know this is wrong. We have tried so many times to stop but then we come back to talking to each other again. Can you please give me some practical tips on how to keep ourselves chaste from all angles until we get married.
JazakumAllah Khair.
Answer
ASsalam Alaykum Alish,
Why is it that you are not married yet? Is it that you are not 18 years old yet? If this is the case, you might consider focusing on your studies for now. If you are 15 year or younger, you should stop talking to this boy, even about marriage for now. If when you turn 18, he is still there and still wants marriage, then things will look different, and that might be an option. In the US, you just cannot marry until you are 18 years of age. Allah knows best, and Allah knows why you are experiencing this.
If you are both 18 years old or over, then you should talk to a scholar about what is the best way to proceed. And if you cannot keep yourself chaste, then you should marry, and find ways to repair your relationship with your parents.
If you are 16 or 17, and you are absolutely sure that this is the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with, then make sure you are not in the physical presence of the other. You can make such a committment, and if this marriage is supposed to happen, it will in one or two years, inshallah.
The only solution to not falling into sin when one is sexually attracted to another is to avoid being alone with that person. If there must be a lengthy waiting period before marriage, then you can communicate to discuss the marriage, but after that, you must focus on something else while you wait. Get interested in self development, or a hobby, or your education, and focus on other things. Stay close to the sisters in the local Masjed and develop good and lasting relationships with them. You will want these friendships after marriage anyway, so this is indeed one of the single most important things you can do for yourself right now, and it will help you take your mind off of your fiance.
Let me know if this is helpful.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Sarah
-
Profession
Question
Asalam alaikoem Dr!
I have wrote in earlier and I always gain from your advice. Thanks!
I have been somewhat depressed the passed few months. I felt like I could´t with and did´t like my work, I had no direction in life. I was struggling through my working days and spent my free time and weekends like a zombie: I felt emotionally so drained that I couldn't get my self to do anything. I have so much going for me: I have a nice family that supports me, I am educated, I'm quite intelligent, I don't look bad either. Still, I was stagnating, if not regressing.
Now recently I have made a positive move: I talked to my boss about not being happy with the way my work was arranged. I went into the conversation thinking I have nothing to loose: if he would fire me I wouldn't find it so bad given the situation... He reacted quite positive though. He agreed with me on some points and we made agreements on how we can better the situation.
I am very happy with is! Not only because of the practical aspect of this, but also because it feels empowering to have changed my own situation for the better. I want to hold on to this feeling and get out of the lethargy I have been in concerning my intellectual, religious (I have been really negligent in this regard) and social (I'm in my thirties and not married, I don't go out much and live quite solitary) development. To be short: I would like to have a more constructive and positive life. I know it's a long story and question, but I would really like if you could give me some of your valued ideas on how to better my life.
Thanks in advance!
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Sister Sarah,
I am so happy for you. Yes, you realized that you can influence your circumstances with the help of Allah. And just as you became proactive in changing your work situation, you can also become proactive in changing how you experience your spiritual, intellectual and social life. One step at a time, and take it easy... no pressure on yourself, just see what happens.
First, you seem to want to be married. Marriage offers a lot and working on marriage can stimulate your social and intellectual life. If is perfectly proper to make marriage the goal that you are working on. If you are truly ready and willing and able to be married, then I say, lets do this.
So, how? First, start going to the Masjed regularly, and find out when and where the sisters are meeting. Most Masjeds have groups of sisters that meet to either read the Quran, or for Iftar, or for other organizational reasons. Participate. Get to know the older women, who are old enough to be the mother of the man that you would marry. Understand? Yes, often, the mothers are searching for a mate for their son, their nephew, or other family member. Unlike the typical western culture, where a woman is supposed to pretend like she doesn't need a man... in Islam and in the Masjeds, it is perfectly acceptable to tell the sisters that you want to be married very much, and to ask them to help you find a husband. Women are incurable romantics, so the married women will go right to work for you... women can't gt enough of it:)
Also, look into your local Islamic Matrimonial services. We have one in our area where all participants are screened very well, and then you are matched and you go to public dinners where all the matches are in the same room and the escorts are there also. If the two decide to get married, you follow the rules, and stay chaste.
If you get involved in this process, you will be busy whether or not you get married. You will meet interesting people. Your mind will be stimulated, and you will make more friendships with the sisters. If you are a natural introvert, this is a great way to do it. You can always find a sister to talk to one to one on Friday night at the Mesjed. And then you can go regenerate all you need to. During these last ten days of Ramadan, ray to Allah for a husband. This is the time of miracles. Make sure you also pray that He make you into a woman who would be a good wife for a husband, and make an effort to learn the duties of a wife and what an Islamic marriage is. This will keep you intellect busy as well. IslamOnline.net has many articles about marriage, it also has Fatwas on marriage. So, read these and become an expert. Most of all, make this a fun time for yourself.
Let me know if this is helpful.
Maryam
Name
sadeqa
- United Kingdom
Profession
BSc [Hons] Graduate Teaching
Question
salam,
I have a lot of problems. I know a guy, he is Muslim and we want to get married. he had helped me throughout ups and downs but my parents won't agree because he is 38 and I'm 22 plus he is not the same of my culture, we planned 2 get married, from his side it is fine, but my family won't agree.
2nd problem is although I'm ready for marriage, my past experiences with men misbehaving with me stops me to go further. please help me salam.
Answer
Salaam Sister Sadeqa,
If you can avoid lying to your parents, I would. It sounds like you are going to the University. Is this correct? It is likely that if you are fulfilling the wishes that your parents have for you, then once they see that you are safe and doing well, they will relax about your marriage. Often, parents are not prejudice about another culture, so much as they worry that the two spouses wont be successful in their marriage. If you and your future finance have talked about your lifestyle and how you are going to blend your cultures, you will be setting the stage for a successful marriage. If your fiance is willing to honor the important aspects of your culture, and bring honor to your family, then over time, it is likely that your parents will notice and relax.
Don't expect things to go real smooth in the beginning. Your parents expectations are that you will bring honor to the family, complete your educations, and live a fruitful, and happy life. You will have to show them that this is what you intend to do. You can even write this in your letter. It would also help if you fiance's parents were willing to make a gesture to talk to your parents. Be careful with this one though, and make sure that it would not end up in a family argument. However, even a letter from them telling them how much they care for you and that they intend to bring honor to your family would be very helpful.
Regarding the sexual issues; you might want to talk to a therapist so that you no longer generalize your past experiences into this one. Sex between a husband and wife is probably the most pleasurable and wonderful experience a woman can have, and you do not want to deny yourself this blessing of marriage. Meanwhile, once you are married, there are some things that you and your husband can do to help you relax. It sounds like he is wiling to be supportive in this area and he wants this to be special for you. So, once you are married, let's talk about this. What happened in your past experiences did not include love and was without marriage which makes a woman feel degraded. This is not what is happening in a marriage. The woman is provided a safe place to let her whole womanhood be expressed, with a man who loves her, and therefore would protect her and not cause her pain...and she retains her dignity as it is lawful in the marriage bed. This is one of the purposes of marriage. You have an opportunity to learn about yourself in a much deeper way and to experience the bonding that comes from intimacy. Don't deny yourself this opportunity.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
ind muslim
- India
Profession
student
Question
Assalam alaikum dear scholar..,
1.Is it wrong to love a girl who is obeying Allah and live in
accordance to Islam(without doing any haram act)...? The thing which
attracted him is that her good character and commitment to deen...
2.Can he pray Allah to be loved by a particular girl that he likes..?
There are questions of one of my intimate friend... What would I answer him?
(of course,I know this girl more than him and she is having a very good
character and a good commitment to deen...she is daughter of a salafi
worker...the boy who is my friend is an SIO(students Islamic
organization of India) worker and is having a good character... )
3. Is it the correct time to think so????????????????????????????????
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam,
I am a psychologist and a practicing Muslimah. I am not a scholar. So, please re-submit your questions to our scholars:
Love is a beautiful and wondrous emotion. It is possible that Allah put this love in this boy's heart. Is he old enough to marry? Is the girl ready for marriage? Why is the boy not thinking of asking for this girl to marry him? If he did, and he was rejected, then he could have his answer, and move on. If she accepted, then would that not be good? AS long as he is thinking about her, but not asking for marriage from her, then he will likely become more and more obsessed, which is not longer that wonderful love, but a miserable prison that the heart will find itself in. Better to get to know if the girl is ready for marriage, and if she is, court her and see what happens. Take the risk of rejection. If he is rejected, he can then recover and look for another girl to marry instead of falling into addictive obsession.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Aysha-UAE
- United Arab Emirates
Profession
homemaker
Question
Salam Dr.,
I am currently staying separate from my husband cos of his decision for this.Due to a problem his parents especially his mother and his moms brother don't approve of our relationship.my husband ,me and my parents want reconciliation but his parents want my parents to apologize and bent their heads down if we want this relationship. My husband is staying quiet in this matter and doing nothing about it. We talked and met but it was useless he kept saying that he is trying his best but there is no result. I feel my husband is pressurized by his parents and also influenced. I worry my husband is not taking any step to bring me back he is an only child and so am I what should I do in this matter. I Fear our relationship will break if my husband does not take a necessary step to convince his parents. His uncle is interfering a lot and telling lots of things against us. I don't know what to do, I am so confused please guide me. Thanks
Answer
Assalam Alaykum Sister Aysha,
I don't know enough of the situation to give the good advise that I would like to. Why does your husband's parents disapproved of your relationship? Why do they want your parent to bow to them? What is going on? It sounds like his parents are offended about something.
We need to know what the issue is in order to take steps to resolve it. You have a situation in that you are both the only children of your parents. Your parents need you, and you both need to stay in the good graces of your respective families for obvious reasons. Your husband does not know of a strategy at this point, and it is probably good that he is being silent and not doing anything just yet.
You will need to exercise some patients. And we need to analyze the problem to see what the possible approaches would be to resolve the issues.
For now, keep your relationship with your husband positive. Encourage him, let him know how much you miss him and love him. Don't tell him what to do, just yet. His silence is likely an effort to hold things together for now, as he is in a very difficult situation where any wrong move from him could destroy the marriage. He needs to pray to Allah for guidance, and so do you. Use these last days of Ramadan and seek forgiveness, miracles and guidance. Pray each night and hope to be praying during the Night of Power.
Let this take some time.
Tell me more about the family dynamics and what the issue is. If it is simply that you and your family are being falsely accused of wrongdoing, the perhaps we can develop a strategy to defend against the uncle's accusations.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Amathullah
-
Profession
Question
Assalamualikum.
Can I have your email address,as I want to mail you personally.
JazakAllah
Answer
Wa Alaykum ASsalam Amathullah,
You can email me at Dr.Bachmeier@yahoo.com
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
m
- United States
Profession
Question
Salam Dr.,
How can I prevent myself from telling white lies?
Answer
ASsalamu Alaykum m,
Why do you feel the need to lie? Usually people who feel the need to lie are really feeling insecure. Sometimes they are afraid they wont be liked just the way they are. But, this isn't true. Allah created you. Allah created your circumstances. There isn't anything to lie about. Sometimes people who lie are afraid of what people think... but really, it doesn't matter what they think. What matters is that we are honest with Allah, ourselves and others.
If your goal is to live authentically, then as you practice discovering who you are at the core of your being, and practice waling on the Earth as the person that you are... you will not feel the need to hide... anyone who does not like Allah's creation has a problem, and it is their problem, not yours.
The most important thing is that you fear Allah. You can't be close to Allah if you are false. Whatever is false in you is a barrier to your being close to Allah and living an Authentic life. Realizing this, and desiring to live an authentic life and to be who you are will make you more aware of when you are about to say something that is not true.
If you are in a situation where the truth will cause a problem, you can choose not to talk about it and be firm. Sometimes white lies are for the purpose of keeping peace. Just don't get hooked into other people dramas, and focus on your own development.
It is helpful to know when the temptations for telling white lies happen. Like any unwanted behavior, you shoudl write down the event that cause you to feel the need to lie, then, if you did lie, what the lie is... and what you feel you gained from telling the lie. Now, you can analyze that and find out for yourself, what you could have done instead of lied to accomplish the same goal.
I hope this is helpful,
Maryam
Name
****
- United States
Profession
student
Question
Asslam-o-alaikum
I am a female with the age of 28. I had a question about relationships and commitments few days ago and Madam Marayam replied that relationships and commitments need maturity, which is true and I am agree with it. I am engaged and When I got engage I wasn't aware of the realities of the commitments actually I wasn't too little but still kind of unaware of the world. Now I am facing problems to face the reality. I am scared of marriage. I don't have friends at all that for fun I could make a story. I am really in a depression where I know no one can understand me. I talk to my fiance but lately I am not behaving normal and I am sure he feels I am avoiding him. I can't explain to him what and Why I am feeling? I guess neither can i explain to my parents.I feel after marriage I will loose everything and I have to just obey there will not be any identification for me. On one aspect I understand Islam but other hand I am psychologically disturbed. I feel I am not ready to have someone in my life who just rule on me. I am not very independent either. I have been always restricted by my parents and I am thankful to God that they are there to show me the difference in right and wrong. Today I am confused I need help. Please help me God always bless you! amen
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Sister,
Marriage Is scary. These are normal feelings. Before you proceed with marriage, make sure you are ready.
But also, realize that marriage is not that you lose your identity and come under the rule of a man. If you are marrying a man who is mature enough to be a husband, then his concern is your welfare and he would love you with the love of Allah.. his means that you would continue to grow and develop as a person. The blessing of such a mature marriage, is that as you step out of your comfort zones to explore who you are as a person and to develop the undeveloped parts of yourself, you will have the protection of Allah by his representative. Now, this is the way it should be. I am not going to say that this is the way it always is. You really need to know if the man you are about to marry is mature enough to love you in this way. It is true that the husband has authority and that he spends his wealth on you to provide for you. However, this should also provide a safe place for you to grow into the individual that Allah has created you to be. This is the greatest gift you can give your husband... for a man needs a real woman that is created by Allah, not a clone, or something that the man creates, which will never be authentic. If you become yourself, you will be his friend and companion.
You must find a way to talk to him and do what I call a "check in".. And let him know that you have fears, that you believe are irrational, but that you need to have these check ins so that you can feel safe and secure in the marriage. Then list these fears, and go through them. Start by exploring your fears first, by writing them down. then ask yourself if you are just afraid, or if there is a real threat of this happening to you. If you are not satisfied that the fear is just your own scared self, then ask your husband for clarification. Finally, a woman is responsible for growing into her own. Make sure that you are exploring your interests. Don't stop growing just because you are married sister. I have not yet met a man who wants that. Instead solicit your husband help and try different things here and there. Please, I would like to know also, what interests do you have that you feel make you who you are? Lets explore that together. Write in again next Sunday and lets continue to explore that, and we can also explore ways that you can continue to grow while also nurturing a harmonious marriage. (If in fact you want this marriage).
For now, until Sunday, Pray to Allah...as I am encouraging everyone who is writing in... stay up into the night if you can, and ask Allah to guide you and to remove fear from your heart.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Aysha-UAE
- United Arab Emirates
Profession
homemaker
Question
Salam Dr.,
I am currently staying separate from my husband cos of his decision for this.Due to a problem his parents especially his mother and his moms brother don't approve of our relationship.my husband ,me and my parents want reconciliation but his parents want my parents to apologize and bent their heads down if we want this relationship. My husband is staying quiet in this matter and doing nothing about it. We talked and met but it was useless he kept saying that he is trying his best but there is no result. I feel my husband is pressurized by his parents and also influenced. I worry my husband is not taking any step to bring me back he is an only child and so am I what should I do in this matter. I Fear our relationship will break if my husband does not take a necessary step to convince his parents. His uncle is interfering a lot and telling lots of things against us. I don't know what to do, I am so confused please guide me. Thanks
Answer
Salaam Aysha,
Did you see my last response? Next Sunday, tell me more about what the issues are, and let's explore the family dynamics so that we can then look into a "plan of action".
I am not convinced that your husband is a coward. He is likely trying to figure out what way to proceed in a very delicate situation.
I wouldn't talk about divorce until you are able to think the whole thing through. Give this some time, and lets talk next Sunday. Or, you can also write in this Tuesday, as I will be doing a special extra session since it is Ramadan. Same time.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Sarah
-
Profession
Question
Tanks Dr.,
It´s me again Sarah. Yes you are right I would like to marry. But I have told myself and my environment all these years that I don´t need a man. I find myself increasingly ´needing´ one though. The problem is: I don't know men well, I don't know how to interact with them and I don´t know if I trust them either. Furthermore: I would like a man that's educated and developed as well as religious. It often seems like the more religious men live in a different world than mine; I'm afraid these kind of men aren't nice to live with. What's your thoughts on this?
Thank you!
Answer
Assalam Alaykum sister Sarah,
You are already taking the first right step. You are thinking about what kind of man you want to be with. Also, getting to know the sister is helpful...they often talk about their life just enough to get an idea of what different men are like.
As far as being safe and meeting them, this is a subject worthy of a book. Lets keep up the dialog on Sundays... For now, suffice it to say, that Islam does tell us how to proceed in a safe manner. Marriage is scary. No that there are more good men than bad men...even in this mixed up crazy world. The religious men are not mean, but many are used to things being a certain way. When you become religious, you will notice the value in much of it, and then you wont feel it as oppressive... And uneducated man will likely not have a narrow mind.
Now you get to think about the world you are in, and the world you would like to be in. Also you can study the difference between extremist, conservative, moderate,an liberal Muslim practices, and try to see where you fit in. This will help you when you meet marriage prospects to see if you are close in your religious views and have the same values.
The women are allowed to ask the man what his religious views are, and what he expects from a wife, and what kind of lifestyle she would be living if she married him. A good man will respond honestly about these things. So, explore your own ideas on these matters so that you know what you are looking for.... take your time... enjoy...:)
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Melissa
-
Profession
Question
Assalamualaykum Dear Dr,
May the peace and blessings be upon you and your family on this auspicious month of Ramadan and always.
Am writing on behalf of a sister who is a dear friend to me. She is divorced after a long saga and oppression, abusive physically, emotionally and mentally by her ex. She was a victim from all corners of oppression.
Now, there is a brother who is very interested in her who knows all about her past ( he is an acquaintance of her ex). The brother Masha'Allah is a God fearing person and has shown nothing but utmost respect for her. Due to her past experience ( since this bro and her ex) are of similar background she is petrified to go through yet another relationship. She had given up on a professional career in pursue of Islam, unfortunately she met a tyrant and oppressor who claims to know Islam. What advice can you give her to give this bro a chance, the bro has promised over and over that he is not like her ex, she even admitted it that after a few talks but still she is reluctant and is isolating herself. she thinks she should have worked more on her previous relationship despite the abuses both physically and emotionally. She takes the blame cos she says she knew that he had a very bad temper and when he gets angry he cant control. She cant seem to be able to let go.... and the thought that he might get marry and treat the other one better scared her since she thinks she has been tolerant and patience. she thinks he will use all the experiences he had with her and be a better person. Despite how many times we have numerously told her, an abuser is an abuser, he will not change, its in his character he uses his anger to take his frustration out. How we can convince her to give this new person a fair chance without forcing her. Thank you for your kind advice...
Answer
Wa Alaykum ASsalam Sister Melissa,
You are a true friend indeed. It is difficult for someone who has been traumatized to move forward. They often feel frozen. And, because they are programmed to blame themselves for everything, they even blame themselves for feeling frozen. It is very possible that your friend has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It can take up to three years of therapy to get rid of the flash back memories. It is not intentional when someone who has PTSD to generalize ...by this I mean that the brain automatically takes anything that it perceives as a threat and reacts... I would check in with this sister to see if she is having any bad dreams, and if she is experiencing any memories that seem as if they are really happening at the time of remembrance...also, if she is experiencing a startle reflex. An example of the startle reflex would be if someone raises his or her hand, does she duck? If someone walks behind her for any length of time, just she gasp or jump? Does she gasp or jump at loud noises? It is important to determine if she has the reflex, because it is a sure sign of PTSD.
It is not her fault if her brain is generalizing...it is a protective defense mechanism that is activated and is helpful when we are in seriously threatening situations. But we need to turn it off when the threat is not longer present. This is what PTSD therapy is intended to to; shut that overactive defense mechanism off.
There is a lot of work to do, cognitive restructuring to rewrite the program in the brain/mind that tell us that everything is our fault, that we can do better. Also, it takes time to realize that every man is an individual in his own right. No two men have exactly the same beliefs, they are all varied differently. (same, but different)...a traumatized victim of spousal abuse cannot see that for awhile...she has to experience it. Exposing her to appreciate men will be very beneficial to her. If there are brothers that she can be in the company of in an appropriate manner, so that she can experience that different men have different interests, different vocations, different beliefs.... no two men of the same ethnicity are the same... once she experiences this truth, she wont generalize her experience with one man to all men. This will also help you to see the difference between an emotionally disturbed or mentally ill man who cannot control his temper, from a normal, healthy man, who may get angry, but is not dangerous. This takes time. This man who is interested in her must be very, very patient, and willing to get himself educated on this subject if he truly wants to marry this woman. I can say that if he does this, he is truly a blessing to all women, because if he wins her heart, and makes her feel safe, she will be proof to other abused woman that life after abuse is possible.
So, with all that said, be very patient, try to see if she has PTSD, and get her into therapy. She shoudl continue with therapy even after marriage. The man who wants to be her husband shoudl also see a therapist and ask for coaching, so that he can be a real support person and also prevent himself from taking her fears personally.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Aysha -UAE
- United Arab Emirates
Profession
homemaker
Question
Thanks for ur answer .I really appreciate your reply.It a very long story abt their accusations towards us.In the beginning soon after our marriage me and my husband stayed in our parents home for 6 months.All was well.But there were few problems in our understanding as v both were inexperienced in our marriage v both r short tempered.In the begining i did not know how to handle his anger.But matter never became bad.Durign the time of my marriage my parents asked him abt when he would bring his parents from india cos v had in mind tht let it take atleast 1 year to settle down his parents also agreed tht they wld come to uae after 1 year.slowly my husband changed and told me tht he planed to call his parents in 6 months i agreed.Whenever v both had arguments he used to tell his mom and his mom gets worred and kept sayingto call her soon here.Suddenly 1 day my husband tells me tht his parents r cuming next day. i and my parents felt cheated as to y he didnt inform me earlier.I felt hurt y my husband did not confide in me for this and jst tld me suddenly.V were nto happy they way thigns went .then there was astrain in my husbands nad my dad's relationship.Days passed v shifted to a new home and i started stayign with my inlaws herei n uae.I could nto adjust well in the beginning n v had frequent problems.He could not handel my anger and went n told his mom ,his mom calls up my parents and agn v have a disussion to resolve the issue.when my parents dont want to interfere they forcfully call them and complain abt me.misunderstandings kept happenign and these meetings kept happening but our problems dint stop.during the tiem of my visit to india my mom in law without informing us came to our home with her relatives and started complaining abt me and mocking me.My relatives finally asked me to apologise and sent me bakc home with them telling them i wont repeat my mistakes again on my anger.I agreed went bak to their home.Days passed v came back to uae .i came early with my parents as it was adifferent ticket and myn husband came a day later even then hedint inform me abt his arrival to uae.eventhoug i was hurt i still went home and cooked food and cleaned the house for a few days things went well.Later when i felt hur abt what my husband does even when i ask him nicely he threatens saying tht he shuld not have agree of taking me bak home and should have kept me away from him for few months he was forced to take a decision to bring me back i felt really hurt and he used to get angry .Recently i want to start working sicnei knew tht my husband also wanted me to work i started searching jobs .When i informed him abt an interview he told me tht he dosent want me to work and stay and home and look after the house,i was surprised at his behaviour cos till day before he agreed but suddenly he changed ,when i asked him the reason his mom interefered sayign th i shouldl listen to my husband and nto argue but argument conitnued,i felt i was tryig to explain but my mom i nlaw always pointed out sayign tht i was arguing ,later she called up my dad and asked him to takeme home for few days,my husband and his paretns came and dropped me there my father asked my husband wot the matter was but my husband behaved harshly he told my mom to shut up when she asked him the same question then my dad got angry and asked them to leave the house.Things worsened ,they went to india and want to decide but nothing happend in tht process they wanted me to go throigh a psychiatric test we refused,later my husband arrived bakc to uae and tried contactign me and told me tht he wants the relationship,since then v have been only talking when i asked him to take me home he says tht he still needs time as he is still not okay with wotever happend and wanted me to stay away for 2 motnhs.my parents even apologised callign up in india for their reaction.but my husband and his parents dont agree.later i tried to meet my husband and talk abt things but it was of no use he only kept sayign tht he is tryin.i feel my husband is sitting there and jst noticing wot his mom and uncle are doing.I dont know wot situation is ther now my mom in law dosent even let her huband into any matter so it is only her and her brother who take decisionsin the house .Even my husband is not allowed ,i feel my husband is totally a mother boy ,i feel he is doign injustice to me by supportign his parents and doing wot they say.i am totally lost of hope.please help me.
Answer
ASsalam Alaykum Sister,
It seems that you are in a situation where you will have to decide if you are able to live with the family system as it is with your mother in law and her brother dictating how things will be and how you will behave.
Is there any hope of your husband and you living in a home away from the rest of the family?
If this is not an option, then you should decide if you are ready, wiling and able to be obedient to your mother in law. It seems that this is at the core of the issue. You also have to decide if you can "go with the flow" and let thing fall together as they will, and thus not becoming angry when you husband make a decision without informing you.
It sound as if you are feeling pushed out, and as if you are not really his wife, but rather just a servant in the house, and if this is how you feel, it could be the source of your anger. Exploring where your anger is coming from would hep you identify what your issues are and what specific changes you need to see in order for you to be happy in this marriage. This would hep you to communicated your needs better. If you can find a way to communicate your needs, you might have a chance of improving things, but like I said, you first need to be able to identify them for yourself.
Consider doing this inner work of identifying what your actual needs are, and finding a way to communicate that in a non-threatening and friendly manner. Take the time at your parents house t do this work, and give your husband some space for now. He is caught in the middle, and he is likely frustrated that he doe not have the authority in this relationship. He shoudl have the authority, and you would probably be less angry with him if you felt he did. You would likely even be ale to forgive him when he makes decisions without consulting you first. So, for now, give him space to work his own problems out. And you work on you for now. Lets keep this conversation going and check in with me next Sunday.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Lamya.
-
Profession
Question
Assalam.
Another Main reason I am not able to be fully happy is Many of the people who are the most close to me are Sad in various ways.I Just cannot rest in peace seeing their unhappiness.
Answer
Salaam Lamya,
Detachment is something we all need to practice. The ability to listen to someone and hear their sorrows while not becoming enmeshed in their problems is a skill that is acquired. We are not born with it. If you have a lot of unhappy individuals in your life, chances are you have become the "peer counselor"...and developing the skills of a counselor will benefit you in this area. One thing for sure, is you need to take care of yourself. We counselors are always taught to make a life for ourselves, a safe place, a happy place for ourselves to regenerate. This is important. Break out of this cycle by joining a group for fun. A book club, or a lunch group..something fun.. Go to the masjed and actively seek out the friendship of a woman who seems happy..just to be friends for the sake of the joy of friendship. You deserve it.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
muslima
-
Profession
Question
assalamualaikum Dr Maryam,
its me muslima (Traumatic). I am still on the adaptation at my mom house though already living here 10 months. I use to close with my sister in law whose living with my mom and I use to also no problem with anyone (there is the older sister who live with us too) but lately my personality changes ( hopefully you still remember my divorce story )become so sensitive and close person especially to my sis in law. we never spoke personally again mostly because i feel a shame for what happen which makes me to go back again to my mom with nothing. so lately there is misunderstanding about things that i feel she (my SIL) is change to me gradually, though a few months ago i tell her I am in not stable conditions now and it would be helpful if my family not asking too much or just be there for me but now i feel it changes became cold environment in our house now i only can spoke with freely to my mom now other than that i can not speak too much to them ( my sil, sister, bro ) even only to having small talk. i just feel that inside myself i have problem with feeling a shame especially to my SIL who always helped me. but they don't know the truth what i feel and have had. and i don't want to let them know too coz too complicated and too long story. sometimes i want to try to speak openly but the more i try the more i can't talk my mouth so close. so my daily now only talk to them when it needed and do small household and looking after my nephew which is thats the only joy being with the kids. the problem is looks like they thought i am snob or arrogant with my silence and attitude with only doing rest household coz all the household done by my sis in law. so now i feel more a shame and guilty for everything with mostly just eat, sleep, and silence ( though i have once talk to my SIL let me do other household by me not all by her but she didn't listen )
i am not feel comfortable now even i live in my mom house coz this condition makes me more pressure while i am still in recovery. i feel a shame to eat or do anything at home now especially to my SIL. my mom treat me like princess and she do that to me also because of my mom now. but i can't speak to let her know how i feel to her my mouth looks like locked everytime i try to open its stressing. so live daily in uncomfortable.
I am not lazy or arrogant or snob it just the conditions makes me looks like and also not giving me a chance to prove to my mom that i am mature women now so not to treat me again like princess or kids coz others will be jealous ( though failed because now are zero ) especially to my sis in law coz she do that also coz of my mom.
i don't know what to do now. just tired, a shame, upset coz I don't have a chance to prove I am an adult now, I have voice and i am somebody now. while i am in the recovery for my personality, self esteem etc. The way of they life and think its different with me so every time try to spoke about my view of things and tell what best to do in something I saw not right i got rejection and like the ball hitting the wall. I try to ignore all of that but can't coz I live with them. feels like its complete a bad,poor , arrogant and jerk person i am with my lost, my silence, not doing things much, my views, my act..
I don't know how to act or what should i put in my mind so I am not so drown from the way they judge or look at me. its totally uncomfortable with the cold "air"
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Sister,
Please, you are very precious and dear. Chances are the silence in the house is a result of your family just not knowing how to comfort you , or what to do or say to you. Don't feel rejected. Tell you mom what you just told me. She will help you. She will likely help you rekindle your relationship with your sister in law. You will see that you have nothing to be ashamed about. We are living in a time where our men are not learning responsibility. There is no shame or blame here...it just is a sad time to be living in, and you have been hurt, and you have the right to be loved and nurtured back to health. Ask you Mom for a hug, then tell her how bad you are hurting. This will change things.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Eva
-
Profession
Question
Salam, A woman is severely distressed cos she cant conceived and her husband is threatening to leave her. Is this within the parameters of Islam? Is it not that God who give to Who He wants and When He wants, when then the wife is being punished by a loser husband?
Answer
Salaam Sister Eva,
I am not a scholar, so I cannot tell you if the man has a right to divorce. However, I can say, that if he divorces her for this reason, then is he the kind of man that she wants to be married to?
Alla is wise and His Divine Order will work to your friend's benefit. It may not seem that way. But if you friend is wanting to be loved and cherished for who she is, the way she is, and this man would leave her, instead of sympathize with her...then she is with the wrong man. I do not see this as a punishment. If he leave her, then Allah is protecting her from a lifetime of grief and giving her an opportunity to find someone who will cherish her.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
saadia
- Pakistan
Profession
doctor
Question
salam maam
i wrote u last week about my fear of selfconciousness.u were absolutley rite it is basically the fear u get concious wen u are more worried about people around about their opinion.
my fear actualy is about people.this is not actualy now from last few months though i ve been thru a mixed population n worked among people e very positive n lively approach.but now i ve encountered the worst compliments i ve never thought about etc.that has let me dowm n even cant thought of that.like luking ppl at out of ignorance at any part now make me concious n now the fear has started that wat ll they think of me.so it is subconciously running in my mind that that i ve to luk only at face of ppl etc but due to overconciousness it does happen such that they start giving worst compliments.etc etc.how can i overcume this fear n get my confidence back.being a doctor n ALHAMDULILAH e good eduction n family i ve a very positive approach towards the life n world.
i myelf was lively n happy person n caring for all.
but from few months n the anxiety fear n overconciousness is letting me down.so that i cannt sit in gatherings as i used too.coz of ppl wat ll they think etc.
am engeged also.alhamdulilah.please guide n help me to overcum the fear n anxiety.n even i cant go to public places due to fear.thanku n guide me e ur advice thanku.
Answer
Salaam Saadia,
You might consider taking an anti anxiety medication for awhile as you "reprogram" our mind. It will take the edge off things. I you take the medications, such as ativan, on a PRN schedule, then you can experience sitting in the room with people and not feeling so anxious.
Getting desensitization therapy can be helpful also. This entails sitting with the therapist identifying the triggers that bring on the feelings of anxiety and self consciousness, and sitting through it. You graduate to iagining the situation, and thinking that thoughts that you want to think, and using relaxations techniques during the sessions. You learn behaviors and practice thought patterns in the therapy room. Then, when you are in the actual situation, you focus on practicing the coping and relaxation skills "in vivo". Each time you are successful, you feel more capable.
In therapy, you can also practice your cognitive , emotional, and verbal response to someone who is either complimenting you, or insulting you. This will give you confidence. If you don't want to spend this time in therapy, you can find a trusted friend and do this with your friend. At the very least, you can practice in the mirror every day.
In addition, exploring why you even care what others think would also be a good idea. You might uncover some self beliefs that just don't serve you well, and are likely not true. You can then change those false beliefs. And if you actually find a real deficit n your character, you can determine to work on that.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
sadeqa
- United Kingdom
Profession
BSc [Hons] Graduate Teaching
Question
Salam Dr.,
I have a lot of problems. I know a guy, he is Muslim and we want to get married. he had helped me throughout ups and downs but my parents won't agree because he is 38 and I'm 22 plus he is not the same of my culture, we planned 2 get married, from his side it is fine, but my family won't agree. 2nd problem is although I'm ready for marriage, my past experiences with men misbehaving with me stops me to go further. please help me salam.
Answer
Salaam Sister Sadeqa,
Please check my previous answer to you as follows:
If you can avoid lying to your parents, I would. It sounds like you are going to the University. Is this correct? It is likely that if you are fulfilling the wishes that your parents have for you, then once they see that you are safe and doing well, they will relax about your marriage. Often, parents are not prejudice about another culture, so much as they worry that the two spouses wont be successful in their marriage. If you and your future finance have talked about your lifestyle and how you are going to blend your cultures, you will be setting the stage for a successful marriage. If your fiance is willing to honor the important aspects of your culture, and bring honor to your family, then over time, it is likely that your parents will notice and relax.
Don't expect things to go real smooth in the beginning. Your parents expectations are that you will bring honor to the family, complete your educations, and live a fruitful, and happy life. You will have to show them that this is what you intend to do. You can even write this in your letter. It would also help if you fiance's parents were willing to make a gesture to talk to your parents. Be careful with this one though, and make sure that it would not end up in a family argument. However, even a letter from them telling them how much they care for you and that they intend to bring honor to your family would be very helpful.
Regarding the sexual issues; you might want to talk to a therapist so that you no longer generalize your past experiences into this one. Sex between a husband and wife is probably the most pleasurable and wonderful experience a woman can have, and you do not want to deny yourself this blessing of marriage. Meanwhile, once you are married, there are some things that you and your husband can do to help you relax. It sounds like he is wiling to be supportive in this area and he wants this to be special for you. So, once you are married, let's talk about this. What happened in your past experiences did not include love and was without marriage which makes a woman feel degraded. This is not what is happening in a marriage. The woman is provided a safe place to let her whole womanhood be expressed, with a man who loves her, and therefore would protect her and not cause her pain...and she retains her dignity as it is lawful in the marriage bed. This is one of the purposes of marriage. You have an opportunity to learn about yourself in a much deeper way and to experience the bonding that comes from intimacy. Don't deny yourself this opportunity.
