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IOL Homepage Editor
Answer
.
Name
Nathalie
- Canada
Profession
Question
Salaam Dr,
What do you advice a woman who is in an abusive relationship with a man whom she 'thinks' she loves. He has deliberately hurt her in may form of abuses. He has exposed her most private past life to all his friends and family and he is looking for justification for divorce because she is known to all his family and friends to be the most kind hearted person, God fearing and helpful person. she accepts and be patience of her husband because of a terrible mistake she has made in the past and she did not tell her husband about it, it was a lie, no illegal or relationship or messing around, when he found out he made her life like hell and has continuously degrading and demean her in front of people while he leaves on her hard work. Although she repented over and over, he just cant get pass it. She is hang to him as a loose rope. He does not know or understand the concept of forget and forgive. Most mature men would, either you live nicely or you divorce nicely. She does not want divorce and he cant forgive her. He said he will never forgive her. From an Islamic point of view, is he of a normal character, someone who cannot find in his heart to forgive. He has met someone younger and he has portrayed himself as a victim, and now she is guiding him how to proceed with divorcing her. Within his inner self and cautious, he knows although she made a mistake, he would not find a better and more supportive wife who has stayed and supported him when he was at the lowest of his life. what is she hanging on to? Is this an obsessive behavior from her or why does she not want to let go. She is very beautiful and smart but she is like a slave to this none appreciative man. she is practically a slave to him, all she knows is serve and deserve him and be a good wife. Your kind advice will much appreciated.
Thank you
Answer
Salaam Nathalie,
Please don't judge a friend if she says that she loves a man, even if he doesn't seem to be treating her well. Love is a feeling. Your friend most likely loves her husband very much. This is why this is so difficult for her.
What happens on the outside and what is visible to friends and family usually barely touches the surface of what is happening between the two people in a marriage. From where you are observing, it only seems logical for your friend to move on and start a new life for herself. But please understand that it is not always so easy and have some compassion for her.
Neither can we judge her husband. As I stated, we do not know the details of what is transpiring between the two at a heart level. I cannot comment on this man's character as I do not know him. However, I can say that you are correct in that a mature man who is interested in enjoying a successful marriage would use this opportunity of his feeling betrayed to work through those feelings, get to know his wife better, work though the natural defenses that couples have which are caused by fear of intimacy, and hopefully the two would be closer than before and enjoy a deeper level of commitment and intimacy with a stronger bond. That is the positive process of marriage, and even the purpose of marriage. It is these experiences that help us to grow spiritually, and the process of working through our differences help us to understand ourselves and our spouse, even humanity at a more deeper level... and we usually end up closer to Allah as a result. Women know this instinctively. We are wired for relationship, intimacy, love...and it is no surprise to me that your friend is holding on as if for her life in hope that this basic need will be met through the marriage. But instead of you being the one to try to convince her that her marriage will never heal and that she has to leave, let Allah decide the course of your friend's marriage. We do not know why this marriage is taking this path for now, or if it will end in divorce or if the couple will move past this experience and work through their issues, and it isn't for you to decide.
The one situation that it is OK to intervene is when the woman or the children are in danger. In such a case, it is appropriate to have the woman and whomever is in danger to live in a separate dwelling until the issues can be resolved.
If a man or woman is not ready for the journey of an authentic marriage, instead of judging, just let it be. True, the immature person is liable to behavior very badly, yet this behavior is caused by fear. Let Allah deal with the issues of who is right, wrong, forgiveness etc.
What you can do, is you can be there as a supportive friend. You can listen to your friend. You can let her cry. And you can help her by not judging her or trying to figure out why she feels what she feels, and just being there for her if she needs you.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
sister
- Others
Profession
student
Question
aoa dear doc,
I hope you are doing good..I am feeling so down and lonely right now..I feel like crying...I was doing well the whole day...I'm doing regular exercise and saying my prayers regularly...I wasn't doing it before and I must say it helped me a lot.. I was thinking positive and doing so well... but all of a sudden in the evening its like everything is falling apart and I feel so insecure and lonely... I am going through a transition maybe... I have to look for another job as the company I'm currently working in maybe closing down in a few months... I feel its building up a pressure in my head... and I cant get rid of the "what if " thoughts...my family is in need of money and I want to help them though there is no such pressure on me but still i owe it to them...i am studying for interviews ...please advise me how can i study and prepare for interviews efficiently while doing a job as well..i know i can do well but i am just so scared of loosing...please advise me and help me workout a routine to prepare for interviews...i have 2-3 days to prepare for them and i have already started working on it...but right now i cant concentrate im soo worried...
Answer
Salaam sister,
I know that times like these can be really hard. This is a challenge for you, and inshallah you will be successful. The anxiety you are feeling is normal, so don't have anxiety about the fact that you are feeling anxious.
So, we only have a couple days. Here is a Plan of Action for you:
1. Get your materials put together for your interview... start with picking out what you are going to wear... and plan how that morning will go.. set it up for that to be easy...
2. Then write down 10 questions that you think you might be asked. Do you know anything about the company that you are interviewing with? Do they have a website? if you have any access to information about the company, its mission, its goals etc... learn what you can quickly.
3. Next, know the job that they are going to interview you for...this is most important. They will ask you skill specific questions. If it is people oriented, be prepared to answer questions about how you handle situations that arise, or interpersonal skills, or conflict resolution (a good answer is always, that you would first attempt to satisfy the client/customer etc...then if you can't you would call your supervisor)... if it involves technical skills, know what that is...and answer honestly and accurately...if they ask you if you know how to do something, and you do not, then be honest and tell them that you happy to be trained and are dedicated to your work. Once question that almost always get asked is, "why do you want to work for our company?" Come up with something, that lets them know that you know what their company is about.
4. Now, once you have done this, practices with a friend if at all possible...have your friend ask you the questions and you practice answering them.
5.And, in your 5 daily prayers (even if you have not been up to speed)... just do them..even if you mind cannot focus...the action of the prayer and the postures will calm you down..pause for at least 10seconds each time you bend, and 2- to 30 when you prostrate... spend time after the prayer for dua...ask Allah to help you be successful and to take the worry away.
It is when we are feeling very anxious that we can feel paralyzed, and this is the time when we often feel like we can't pray...however, make yourself pray the five prayers... it really is the best way to relieve anxiety.
Remember, whatever happens, Allah is watching over us. Allah has a plan for you and your family, remembering this during your prayers will ease your mind... in the BIG picture, you interview will go exactly the way it should go, regardless of the outcome...if you don't get this job, then that is because ALlah has something better planned for you inshallah. Let go of the outcome, and do a good job... there is not such thing as loosing because Allah is the provider..relax, do you part, and yo will do well.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Nathan
- Australia
Profession
Question
Salam wa'alaikum ,
I think the work you do on this website is fantastic, may Allah bless you immensely.
I have a few problems I would like help with, do you have an online one-to-one counseling program as I would feel most comfortable discussing it with a Muslim psychologist and there seems to be a lack of them in my area.
much appreciated
regards
Nathan
Answer
Assalamu Alaykum Nathan,
IslamOnline.net does not currently have an online one-to-one counseling program available at this time. I am able to accept a limited number of people as a private practitioner. You can e-mail me at Dr.Bachmeier@yahoo.com and we can discuss this further if you like.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Zahra
- Australia
Profession
Question
Salaams,
What does it mean when you dream about being in an intimate act with an ex spouse. Thanks
Answer
Salam, Zarah,
This can mean different things. You could be missing him. You could be healing from the wounds that caused the divorce. Or, the spouse can simply be representative of an aspect of yourself, and you are actually in a time of self reflection and authentic communication with your own self.
Don't let this disturb you. It is not prophetic, or a revelation, just an expression of your working something out inside yourself.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
kamaal
- India
Profession
medical student
Question
what are the possible ways that we normal Muslims can do to stop this act of ISRAEL ????
Answer
Salaam Kamal,
I hope I am not too forward in saying that I prefer to refer to the Zionist movement when we discuss the oppression of Palestine. This has nothing to do with Israel, or Judaism. You will hear many orthodox Jews explain this to you. The politics here are not simplistic and the strategies for acquisition of territories by certain peoples has been in the works since at least the early 1930's...
Now, to answer your question, I honestly don' know what a normal Muslim can do specifically to stop the violence. I don't know what we can do about the other injustices in the world that we do not have any control over either. Definitely pray. Give charity to those who would help the victims. Volunteer to help.
Something less direct, but possibly much more powerful, is this. Community building. Strengthen your families, your neighborhoods, and your Muslim community by LIVING Islam, and following sharia. If you do this, then individual by individual, family by family, community by community, we will become less dysfunctional ourselves, we will then become strong and prosperous ourselves, and then we will have a much more powerful influence over policies and politics that affect us. IF you live in the United States of America, participate in the democratic process and vote for legislation and advocate for policies that you believe in. Connect and communicate with other Muslims as much as you can, in you own community and all over the world. Let ALLAH guide us, trust ALLAH, Allah know best.
If the Ummah is healthy, prosperous, and strong, then the rest of the world will listen to us, and even defend us.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Muslimah
- Canada
Profession
Question
Assalamu Alaykum Dear Doc Maryam,
I hope you are keeping well Insha Allah.
I was wondering if you could shed some lights on a dream for me plz.
It was awhile ago, me and a friend from Uni, we were walking in a huge garden, it was extremely beyond imagination gorgeous with fresh grass everywhere. A man( he was short) with a white Islamic attire was standing and my friend wanted to introduce me to him. I was very shy and said I do not want to talk to a man and we are discussing and her trying to persuade me to talk to him, as we got closer to the man, he turned around and look at me and. My friend introduced me to him and presented him as Abu Hurairah........ I don't remember the rest for the dream unfortunately....
Answer
salam Muslimah,
Huge Garden: Sounds like it may have been in color for you? And was there a lot of Green? Green is a color of life and abundance. The colors of the garden are important. Was it sunny? If it was this is a good sign, you are seeing clearly, and days are getting better for you.
Short man: I'm not sure why he is short. Most people in our dreams are representatives of an aspect of ourself. Males in our dreams usually imply action, or a type of virility that is within us.
White Islamic attire: This is an excellent sign, white is representative of purity to our subconscious, cleanliness, and right action. The Islamic attire represents your moral and religions fiber. So, this aspect of you seems to be ready for action, and you are feeling good about this.
Friend:The Friend is another aspect of yourself... you are getting to know this pure, ready moral person that you are...you are probably going to a very life changing internal spiritual growth process, when you sum all of these components together, it sounds like you are ready to take the next step on your spiritual journey. There is a wise aspect of yourself that is understanding the meaning of submission to the will of ALLAH.
You have been very blessed to have had such a dream.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Shahnawaz Ahmad
- India
Profession
Govt. Job
Question
Assalam-u-alakum
What steps should Muslims take in countries were they are in minority to compute with the other communities in India?
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Shahnawaz,
I am not sure what your question is. Are you wanting to communicate with other communities in India? Or are you living in India as a Muslim?
It is difficult to live in a country that has many people who are not friendly toward Muslims. But still, in India, you can find some peaceful Muslim communities.. is this what you are asking?
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
muslimah
-
Profession
Question
salam Dr. Maryam,
I really like your counseling sessions.. I'm in my early twenties...I'm shy and lack confidence meeting new people... I can't communicate well...inside I know I can be a good speaker if I cross the barrier of confidence...I always worry about what people think about me and if they like me or not...I always feel like left out when in friends and meeting new people... I want to be confident when speaking and get over my shyness..how can I help it..??
Answer
Salaam Msulimah,
Please read the responses to this Sunday's session as there is one that I really believe you will like and benefit from.
Additionally, I would like to mention that if you want to be a good speaker, and get over that paralyzing fright and performance anxiety, it to develop a close relationship with Allah, and simply "perform" for Allah. This may sound strange, but really, the only opinion that you need care about is Allah's. Get comfortable being in the presence of our Lord. If you can do that, you will not fear. Since all that you do is for the sake of ALLAH, you will no longer care what people think of you, you will offer the gifts that Allah gave you to give, an enjoy life a whole lot more.
Salam,
Maryam
Name
saadia
- Pakistan
Profession
doctor
Question
salam maam am writing previously also v use to hear a proverb THAT A DISCUSSION E A SCHOLAR IS WORTH READING HUNDREDS BOOKS i belive its 100 percent true.thanks to u maam.today i am gonna post my 10 qualities.these r according to compliments i ve received from ppl around me n few r according to me i think i ve.
1 ve good personlity
2 cute in appearance
3 gud smile
4 humble nature
5 caring for ppl around me
6 mostly optimistic
7 satisfied about myself
8 content e wat i ve
9 friendly
10 feel for others like wen i think of some one else i think if i wud ve been at ones place wat i wud ve done.
10 small ego
plus not so gud points r
i cant satisfy the listenener
2 not a good communicator
3 very spontaneous sumtimes i dont think b4 speaking
4 childish attitude rather than mature
5 loses confidence easily .
these r few aspects of my personality.i jus argu e my mom n my family about rest most of tim i dont care. one bad thing in me is that i expect good from others.i wanted to hear good from everyone which i think i shud not expect.
ur expert opinion wud highlight these aspects
thanku very much.
Answer
Salaam Saadia,
Thank you very much for writing the ten good qualities. You are truly a wonderful person and you brighten my day by writing in. I want you to write these same qualities on a paper and post it somewhere that you can read it every day for 21 days. Also, rewrite them every day for ten.
It seems as if you are learning that if you put your expectations in others, you will be disappointed, because other people are human and make mistakes just like you and I do (because we are human). Everyone is in a different developmental phase in the areas of moral development, intellectual development, emotional development, spiritual development...everyone is in a different stage of maturity... and we all learn as we experience and grow. You will receive good from some, and from others, you will not. Allah knows best.
I would like to respond to the qualities that you feel are "not so good points":
1. cant satisfy the listener: You don't have to satisfy the listener. One technique that is helpful is to attempt to repeat what you think the listener is saying to you, and ask, is this what you men to say?, or "I think I understand what you are saying, you men....." and get clarification to make sure you are responding correctly. If you are, and they are not satisfied with your responses, that is the listener's problem, pray for their happiness.
2 not a good communicator: This is a skills, It is not characteristically. If you want to learn communication skills, you can. It is a lot of work, like anything, so be patient with yourself, and don't expect results over night. You might find that once you relax, your communication skills will improves significantly.
3 very spontaneous sometimes I don't think before speaking: This is true for most of us. I know from experience that learning how to think before speaking take a lot of practice. Start by being aware when you are thinking of your response to what someone else is studying inside your head before they are finished talking... and tell yourself "STOP"...then refocus on the person, and try to simply listen and process what they are saying. You know for people like you and me, who have brains spinning a million time a minute... this itself is a form of meditation. It doesn't come easy at first...but in time, you will find yourself being absorbed in other peoples words and really processing what they are saying... then naturally, your brain will pause, to think before you respond.
4 childish attitude rather than mature: Perhaps if you nurture the child inside you that feels she isn't being treated well by others, your responses will be more mature. It is ok to feel what you feel, the challenge is learning ways to self sooth. This will go along way to develop a healthier outlook on life. Be nice to yourself.
5 loses confidence easily: My approach to the whole self-esteem and confidence building is different from the mainstream. I have a passionate belief that we are making a mistake in trying to develop self confidence and that we are looking in the wrong place for our strength as human beings. IT is a subtle difference. But instead of trying t have all this faith in your self, have faith in Allah. When you become aware of the fact that ALLAH created you, and that whatever He will for you will be perfect, then you cannot fail. When you dedicated all of your life, your work, your will to ALLAH, you cannot fail, because you are allowing ALLAH to be your RABB in all things. For me, by myself, I can do nothing, all that I do that has any good in it is a result of Allah's will, not mine. That is what makes "my" good works, good...the truth is, they are not my good works, it is ALLAH who put me here, ALLAH who gave me a brain, ALLAH who gave me a computer, ALLAH who imparted whatever skills I have into me so that whatever good He Wills that I do, is done... so, I don't need confidence in myself... I don't need to be successful... there is no failure, there is only ALLAH and the work that He gives me to do, which always give me pleasure... see the subtle shift in focus? Most self help book will encourage you to learn how to rely on yourself, depend on yourself, empower yourself...but the problem that I have with that, is that this little self that is getting soo empowered will die one day, and you will still be left with you...a created soul... better to get YOU connected with ALLAH...that is my take on things, for what it is worth.
Please keep writing
Salaam
Maryam
Name
Latifa
- Australia
Profession
Question
Salam , i wrote to you last week. You asked how old i was, im 22. i had my thyroid checked and my hormonal level., alhumdullah they are all ok.
You asked what happened when i first developed this depression. i was 19 yrs old and was "dating" a a boy who at first seemed really nice..., but as things went on he began to emotionally blackmail me. If i tried to end the relatonship he would start crying and say he wanted to commit suicide, and so i felt bad and would continue speaking with him, if i didnt pick up his phone calls he would come to my house and say "pick up or ill knock on your window" and it got sooo bad that i had to get a restraining order on him, as he hacked into my email account and forwarded my personal emails to everyone on my contact list. I was horrible. That was the time i began to feel depressed, however, that was when i first began to feel depressedm, had a short temper with everyone and stopped being myself... and i dont think ive been the same since. However, this happened so loooong ago i hardly think about it, and dont think it affects me anymore.
Since then ive become socially withdrawn, lost my friends, lacked the ability to hold a ocnversation. People tell me that i hardly have anything to say anymore, and someone even commented that id changed as i cant hold a conversation with anyone its like "awkward".
i know this is true as i have been isolating myself for so long, ive lost my friends mostly bc im very bland and dont have much to say about anything. i dont feel empathy.
i was seeing a psychologist and i thought i was improving but i still feel no emptahy and my family is sooo dysfunctional is not helping.
What should i do? i have prayed and prayed.
Will i ever get better, its been over 2 years, i cant hold a relatnonship with anyone, one person also said " that i come across as very pushy"
I hate this, i hate myself.
Any advice would be greatly apprecaited, jazak allah khairan.
Answer
Salaam Latifa,
It sounds like you have a cycle of feeling guilty, and realizing that this isn't fair, so you the feel angry. Keep a journal for a week and write in it three time at the same time daily. Each time, write the exact feeling that you are having. I want to hear from you again, and you can tell me if you are able to identify your feelings. Then we can work on where the feelings are coming from.
You really shoudl see a psychologist or psychiatrist if you can. And I can't remember if you said you tried medication. Remember if yo use medication, it takes three weeks to start to feel any relief, and sometime, you have to try different ones before you get the right one. I really suggest that you find a therapist that you can see in person, in your community if at all possible. If you cannot find a therapist, then perhaps you can talk with a local medical doctor. You shoudl sees = someone for a while, maybe two years.
If you temperature is low, and your blood pressure is low, then you may still have a thyroid regulation problem even if it isn't showing up on the tests. You can try some Iodine drops, or take kelp. You might be low on this mineral which is essential for proper thyroid production. It could take at least a month before you notice if it is helping. Also, if you do not have any access to a prescribing doctor, or you want to try a natural approach first you can try Saint John's wort. Again you have to take it faithfully, and you probably wont feel any different for three to six weeks.
The idea is to understand that the depressions isn't going to lift in just a day or two, or even a week of hard work...it will take consistency with working through the emotional, psychological, environmental, physiological, and spiritual challenges that you are experiencing. But the good news is, if you continue to focus and work on this, week by week, you will notices more better days than the last... one day at a time, and in 6 months, you will probably be feeling good, especially compared to now.
As far as holding a relationship and/or appearing pushy...you may have work to do in the area of resolving grief from past relationships so that you don't let the anger from unmet needs associated with those past relationships interfere with your experience and responses, approaches in your new ones. Once day at a time. If you start working on you now, you will be ready to be with others in a relatively short period of time, inshallah.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
C
- United States
Profession
Question
Salam,
Dear Dr. Maryam,
What triggers someone to be undecisive and be uncertain in almost everything they do in life?
Answer
Salaam, C,
Fear triggers inaction. fear can immobilize and paralyze us. We have three very common physiological, and corresponding psychological responses to fear. Flight (run away, or avoid), fight (get rid of whatever is scaring you), or play possum...there is paralysis, inability to do anything... inaction... the thing you are afraid on might think you are dead, and go away and leave you alone. But there is a fourth alternative... it includes doing the following: identify the fear and what you are afraid of ,acknowledge the fear, ask ALLAH to be your protector and guide, work though that fear, and act on the task at hand in spite of the fear... and move forward.
Next time you have a decision to make, or feel like maybe if you have a goal, you would make progress in life, ask yourself what you are afraid of, and then develop a way to work through that fear and focus on the task at hand.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Zachary
- Belgium
Profession
Question
Salaams,
I had a peculiar dream that I would like to perhaps have an idea of what it could possibly mean: I was walking in a garden, I saw myself entering a masjid, which was supposedly just like a chamber surrounding the kaaba, a friend of mine was with me, we started praying, I realized that the masjid was flodded, with salty seawater abt 5 inch deep. I asked myself how am I going to pray and make sajda, while going to sajda part of my body was floating. Thank you
Answer
Salaam, Zachary,
Perhaps you are experiencing a spiritual cleansing right now. The garden represents life. Was it in the dark, a mystery, and with confusion, or was it in the sunlight, with clarity, and a good feeling? Life brought you to your spiritual place, the masjid... so this is possibly a symbol of where your soul resides... now salt can be healing, and water is cleansing... and floating may indicate that these healing and cleansing waters will carry you for now... if this seems right to you, then allow this healing to watch over you and to carry you to the place in life that ALLAH wants you to be.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Muhammad Gill
- Qatar
Profession
Engineer
Question
Assalam o alaikum
My sister aged 46 and her husband aged 54 have been lived in Qatar since 30 years and both have been very God fearing, practicing and pious thru out their life. Last year, they returned back to their Country after retirement. There, her husband was occupied in a fitna with some young girl aged 22 who apparently did for magic to control him and occupy his property (this is our assumption and Allah knows the best). The husband became just mad in girl’s love and often had severe fight with his wife. Then he came to know that he cannot marry that girl as she was her nephew’s daughter. This made him more depressed. He was in a state that he could not forget the girl neither could he marry her now. He was also a patient of high blood pressure and suger. Whenever he had a fight with her wife his blood pressure went on very high and he began speaking rubbish. At times, he was admitted to hospital for emergency treatment for his blood pressure, suger and high tension. In fitna of this girl, he even started neglecting salah and soum etc also. Sometimes, he said some things which were against the Islamic teachings even. e.g. He told his wife not to do zikr of Allah and rather read the girl’s name instead. In summary, he was just as mad as we read the stories of Laila Majnoon. At times, he told his wife and even his brother in law that he and that girl was in one room and he undressed her and then described a detailed process of intercourse etc. No body ever see him including his wife that he ever did zina with that girl. I feel it was all his imagination just, as no normal person tells a detailed story of zina he did, to his wife and wife’s family. He used to just recall that girl, making some poetry and then always start fighting with her wife. He also did many things which no normal man can do. Once he withdrew a huge amount of money (2.2 million) from his retirement fund and was about to give all to that girl on his 22nd birthday. We are told by some scholars that he seems to be under affect of Magic done by girl’s mother to capture his fortune. So the summary was, he was completely mad in “so called” love of a girl, either by magic or some thing else. He very often had big fights with his wife where he often shouted and went out of his mind.
Once, during fight, The husband gave one divorce in anger few months back. And he regretted that this was not his intention to give talaq but he could not control himself in a row of anger upon his wife. This happens second time. and he was again very regretful and he did something out of his intension. On third time, his wife tells, he was just insane, shouting, throwing things but she could not exactly remember if she heard the “divorce” word or not . On this third time, he, after fight with her wife, also called on telephone some people from his family and said he had given talaq to his wife. But in the first and second times, the story of talaq was just between husband and wife. now he is fully ashamed on what he did and want to recover himself from the fitna. He acknowledges that he is entrapped in a sin unwillingly and he wana get out of it and revert back to his previous life. As he is also a patient, he thinks, his wife can help him a lot to improve.
He want to ask, is these divorces valid in such a case or not? Even when I speak with him he becomes so much angry and says many rubbish things to me which later he says sorry. Please guide us regarding if any talaqs have been placed or not.
Jazak Alaah for ur time
M. Gill
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam,
What a very sad story. I am not a scholar. Please ask our esteemed scholars during our ask the scholar sessions.
As a Muslimah who is learning what she can, I really believe that none of these are valid because they were done in a state of madness, and/or anger. Please, please don't stop until you find a reputable scholar to answer this.
I pray so very much that the husband and wife find access to someone who can help both of them restore their marriage and harmony.
