The session has just started. Please feel free to join and submit your questions now.
After the session has ended, you can view the whole dialogue by clicking Recent Sessions, or The Archive.
Yours,
IOL Homepage Editor
Name
a
- United States
Profession
home
Question
Assalamu alikum Dr.,
I have a strange and weird question. It's about being clean and organized. and what I mean is organized in my house and my life in general. I am married with three children and ever since I was a child I always had a problem with being clean and organized. I believe it's because of the way I was raised, my mom used to always yell at me and try to make do a lot housework saying that I am nothing in life unless I know how to cook and clean for my future husband. They even took me out of school before I entered high school to get me married so I've always hated housework and been lazy. So now with my husband he is a nice and patent man but he has expressed his feelings a few times about how much he hates coming home to very messy house. I hate it too I feel anxiety every day trying to push my self to be cleaner, especially for my kids, I don't want them to be like me. I know how nice and peaceful one feels when everything is nice and clean I can only do this once in a while but needing to do this day in and day out is sooo stressful for me and my whole family .what can I possibly do to stop the past from disabling me and how to get better, because their are so many things Id like to do in life but because I'm so unorganized its very difficult.
I hope you could help.
Thank you.
Answer
Assalamu Alaykum a,
Now you understand the happy rewards you get from having a clean home. You will need to work not listening tot he critical voice in your head about your work so that you can enjoy doing it. Housework and cooking, organizing and child care can really be fulfilling and rewarding. When you are contemplating doing your work, and those thoughts come into your mind, write them down. We will work on erasing the negative thoughts. So, next week let me know what some of the actual thought in your head are.
Also, we are gong to make homemaking fun. For one thing, you get to divide for yourself what your routine it. Get a nice journal and a calendar. write down the priorities that need to be done. Every household is different. For example, your husband might be care more about the living room than the dishes in the sink... or the other way around... the nice thing is that you get so much more independence as a homemaker than you do when your work outside the home. You can design your job, so to speak, in that you have your own "domain" that you are in charge of, and you design the schedule based on your families priorities. You get to be creative as well, and when you play with your child, you get to have fun too.
Let me know if there is anything you would like to know about homemaking. You seem like you have the knowledge, it is just that you were filled with negative ideas about it. So, this is really your chance to create an environment for yourself and your family, and an opportunity to enjoy this time in your life.
One thing that can be barriers to enjoying homemaking is isolation. It is good to have some sisters as friends who are also homemakers. This way you can exchange ideas and be good comply for each other, and be able to help each other out if need be. If you have such a network, alhamduilliah. If you do not, then perhaps you can work on that. Start going to the mesjid if woman are allowed to in your area, meet some sisters, and meet once a week if possible.
I hope this is helpful for you,
Salaam
Maryam
Name
Jasmine
- Australia
Profession
Question
Salam Dr.,
What tips can you give a full time university student ... to help keep her prayers ? She is mostly at university and the pray room is VERY dirty plus she hardly has time to make wudu because she is sooo busy, I know that's not an excuse... so any tips would be much appreciated
Jazaki Allah khairan
Salam
Answer
Salaam Jasmine,
It is difficult, yet the prayers will actually help you to focus on your work because they get the mind to be in the right state.
Many people in the west do not have prayer rooms, so you are at an advantage. Consider asking permission to clean it. You could even organize a cleaning party with some of the other sisters. At the very least, keep a prayer rug and prayer outfit in our backpack. You can find very light weight prayer outfits that don't take up much room. If you don't want to keep the prayer rug in your backpack, you can also carry a large bag and put the prayer rug and prayer outfit in that. This way, you keep the room for books etc in your backpack.
Do some preplanning. Get your prayer times and your class times and compare them. You can see when you will be able to pray and very likely be able to at least complete most of them within the prayer time frame.
Think of the walking to the prayer room from your classes as your daily exercise. We need the exercise anyway, so this can take the place of some of that.
Set aside some time at home for missed prayers. Set aside an hour. This way, If you missed any prayers you can make them up. If you still have time after the prayers, use this time to read quran.
I hope some of these ideas help. May Allah make it easy for you to pray.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Habib
- Pakistan
Profession
Education
Question
salam,
Would you explain something about the ways in which Muslims can make oic as their real fora for solution of all of their religious,social,political and even their military solutions...
Answer
Salam,
If you are referring to the Organization of the Islamic Conference, I can tell you that I love your question and this should truly be discussed.
Here I openly and with much opposition from the ever changing world and roles, continue to support the idea that learned and pious Muslims should come together and work toward the good of the Ummah and analyze the politics and impact and approaches of influence together.
As a woman who is dedicated to community building, I certainly support the idea of an international council to support the interests of our Ummah and to get us united to give us strength and influence as a people in this world.
As a woman, I would ask the men to go the extra mile and participate and answer this question. The strategies and logistical and political opinions that you seek, would wisely come from men of knowledge and influence who are involved with such big picture happenings.
I am one who is publically asking women to support their men, and to collectively work on community building to make their husbands strong, their families strong, which in turn will make the community strong, which in turn will make the Ummah strong.
So, even thought I have not answered your question, I am glad that you asked it. It gives me an opportunity to present a holistic picture of how we can heal and become a peaceful and prosperous Ummah. I know that the women who want to be influential in politics will be upset with me for not telling you publically what I think about the possibilities of using the OIC as a platform for the Ummah... but I honestly feel that the feminine energy of woman is most powerful working from the inside out... as I mentioned above..and I encourage you, Habib, to find 11 other men, a quorum of 12 and meet to discuss this topic. Then take your collective ideas to the OIC yourself.
I will tell you this much, if men were concerned about the welfare of the Ummah, there are many ways in which systems ca be developed that would relieve so much of the suffering that we are experiencing. And, empowerment for such relief will come from masculine energy. Women need to be supported in their mission to nurture and develop bonds within family and community. If you want to hear my ideas and then think about them, email me at Dr.Bachmeier@yahoo.com.
Honestly, so far, no one is listening to me. I think real big sir, I have the health of the international Ummah in my heart. I am just one little woman who happens to have skills in clinical psychology, and I am here to offer myself as a sister... yes, we do need to get organized...that's a given.
Salaam
Name
muslima
-
Profession
Question
Assalamualaikum Dr,
Its me traumatic muslima. I was sending you email but not answered yet and hopefully I can have now inshAllah the contain is :
Thank you for responding and giving me your thought, alhamdulillah.
I can feel release now, alhamdulillah. Its been a few days I am frozen
and numb the flashback start to come again and the feeling it's so real
some I block it with makes myself numb. Because I can't take it so
much, I still feel tired though its been 10 months from divorcing.
Its so terrified feeling when that flashback come the way i got
belittle with the criticizes, cold attitudes, with holding its like
all is the punishment for something i truly don't know what is going
so wrong. When i try to confirmation some are those acts i got the
answer it just the way I am or i am being like this because of i treat
him bad (it was when i have had bad depression for living far away
from him) i wonder am i so wrong for having depression ( mostly
because of the controlling action) until i have to got punishment
this bad. though i already admitted i am wrong and I change normal
again after living with him but those time is like the punishment time
for me.
Is it me whose have big dream or hope i still wants romantic time
after a long time live separated while we still new couple. I wish I
can tell you all because in my mind now its like a movie slide and so
hurt. I feel like wants to fall down and ask please stop those action.
yes no yelling, no screaming no bad names but the actions of left me
alone, critical, crazy making really makes me confuse for what he
wants, withholding, we act like great couple in front of others but at
home or when we are alone i feel far away from him. no connection...I
got bitten in all aspects, personality, intimacy, appearance.. after I
am i got treated as a valuable person then in a second being
devaluable inch by inch.
Yes he is so smart, good grade and charming.. i questioning myself
now. am I so dumb, bad ?
i know he have own problem with himself but i got puled inside and it
makes me i am the one whose having problem. I don't have lack self
esteem before, i am easy to get along and no sweat for little things
as long as not out of my principe especially about the faith but thats
also i make it none. i realize we are not compatible enough at those
which i see it we are a compatible as a strong believer but the fact
its the opposite.... i am confuse.. i don't understand.
I still numb, frozen, and fear now.. i'd rather being quiet person
now, no emotions, no opinion or anything i am worried being mistakes or
got punishment again. I got hard breath. so much, so much Dr. i can't
tell you in words or in detail what was happen because it happen like
the water i can't define it so clear because can't "hear" by ear,
"see" by eyes all it about emotions
So tired even though i done nothing Dr until to be honest i am not
ready to get a job. emotionally tired. its like trauma got bitten but
not sure what it called.
The last how to heal from broken heart ?
Jazakallah Khairan
Wassalamualaikum
Answer
Salaam Sister,
I am sorry that I was not able to respond sooner.
Please remember that bad things do happen to good people, and when bad things happen to good people, it is not a punishment. It is a trial, yes, and once you have healed you will have been a better character, deeper insight into the human soul, and a different kind of strength that you did not know existed. These trials teach strip us of all of our outer layers of "self" and we really find out who we are and what we are made of...we find ourselves crying out to Allah...and this process brings us even closer.
It makes sense to me that you are not yet feeling yourself. It can even take two years. But you keep moving forward, and make sure that you focus on doing something for yourself each day. This can be a walk, or drawing a picture, or writing a poem, or calling a friend.
Your homework this week is to make a list of something that you can do each day... make a daily "to do" list and send it to me.
Keep praying to Allah for healing. Trust. You will heal. And believe me, you are not being punished. You did not do anything wrong. You are a wonderful and beautiful Muslimah. You are worthy of Allah's love.
Please keep writing,
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
riyad
- United States
Profession
Question
SALAMU ALAIKUM DR.,
I hope you can help me.I want to know how to give and receive love. As a little girl my mother didn't give me any love and affection which has made uncomfortable to be express any love to someone even my own children, I'm afraid I'm doing the same to my children as my mother has done to me.whenever my kids want to cuddle it feels so unnatural to me I try to stay away from those situations, I know that's wrong,I know my children deserve love and affection and cry about that all the time, but I don't know how to give love and receive love without those uncomfortable feelings Ive had my whole life.Can you help me before my children end up like me. MAY ALLAH BLESS AND REWARD YOU.
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam,
You have an opportunity for healing. There are are somethings that we can do. First, try to remember the times when you wanted your own mother to hug you, or acknowledge you in some way. Also try to remember what you wanted her to do with you, such as read you a story, or walk with you, or play with you... now, write these activities down.
You can heal your own "inner child" by being a loving mother. Once you walk through the wall that is separating you from love, the wall will disappear. You will feel great joy.
Take this one step at a time. For the next month, make it your goal to have a one hour story time for your children. Read them a story, and if they crawl up on you don't push them away...give them a hug and kiss on th eforhead and tell them to listen to the story. After the story vlose the story session by having your little ones and you stand close together and have a "group hud" or stand in a circle, hold hands and shout, "happy family!" all toghether. You children wil like be full of laughter and giggles and maybe you will be too...and this is how we open up to love. We, let our guard down, and let it in.
The second thing you will do each day, is you will tuck each of your children in bed at night. Make this a special routine. Sit with each child and ask each child what the favorite part of the day has been, and have them say with you alhamduillah!. Kiss each one on the forehead, and if they reach out to give you a hug, let them...it is also good if you give them a hug too.
The third thing is that you will pray your regular prayer in the home where they can be with you. They might pray with you, mimic your gestures, or just watch...this is all good. Eventually they will likely be praying with you.
It takes a lot of patients to stay in a loving space when you have a lot of household responsibility. But taking this time out, and making it a priority over other things will make a big difference.
If you do these activities, regardless of whether or not you "feel the love" you will eventually open up to love. Open up to love, and love will always find you. Allah is the source of all love. One day at a time.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Sister
-
Profession
Question
Salam Doctor,
I would like to refer to the previous Sunday counseling session whereby I mentioned my problem and you had given me your personal email id to write to. I hope you received my email. looking forward to your response.
Answer
Salaam,
I am behind in my e-mail responses. Please accept my sincere apologies. I pray to answer all of them today. I thank you for your patience. Pray for me too, that inshallah, I will be able to answer in a more timely manner int he future.
Salaam
Maryam
Name
nouf 007
-
Profession
Question
salam dear doctor,
Can you imagine I have not known what is masturbation until I started to see islamonline articles and others problems .. I do not pay a lot of attention to it but one day I felt something strange...
Can you imagine I experienced this destroying bad awkward habit at the age of 31? I used to consider my self like an angel because I have never known a man or anything that I can do...
I always repent to Allah and cry all the time alone I cry because I will hate myself and because I wonder why me why I wanted to be proud that I was the most pious but I lost everything...
Answer
Salaam Sister,
Libido (God given sex drive)is natural. Understanding that you have natural urges that you cannot control will help you control the responses to those urges. Understanding that the urges are not evil will help you. It is energy and you can redirect that energy into something positive until you marry. Exercise is the best way to reduce this feeling. Also, the less you satisfy the urge, the less intrusive it will be. By not satisfying the urge, the libido actually diminishes, so, by breaking the habit, and stopping this behavior, you will be able to refocus your energy on something else. You break the habit by learning how to notice when you are feeling the urge, and then directing your energy into a healthy physical activity. Men teach their sons to take cool showers, and to get involved in sports. Exercise and cool showers work for women too. First, is breaking the habit and replacing it with exercise. Second, is finding a productive activity that has meaning for you so you can focus on that.
I would also ask you if you are currently seeking marriage. This would be a wonderful solution to your natural need.
You are sill very pure and pious. Learn to trust in the Mercy and Love of Allah. Allah knows best. Through prayer you will find your answers, and your strength. Pray Allah brings you a husband inshallah.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
salma
-
Profession
Question
salam dear doctor
I am just crying now and with a deep pain in my heart, I just want to get out from the cybercafe and go somewhere to cry for hours and hours........... a deep sorrow in my heart,
I have lost again a man that I thought he is thinking of me, I used to see him in some meetings , I thought that he was thinking of me like I am doing me I never ever star to talk to any man I am known for been a very reserved girl now I am sure that they just do not like me because I am like that , I feel that I should have talked and laughed like other girls but they didn't choose the others too, you know he has chosen a very young ...
i see that men do not want the reserved ,respected , wise grils, please tell me please can a womanchange his mind just because you are not a girls who dares to talk to any one , can a man look for a beatiful young girl and leave a wise older one , taking in consideration that i just was wondering that he is planing to talk to me , ifelt this because as if he was trying but me i was careless andi always anwt that the man is lways and should be the one who should start even if he is the a king or a pronce i like that the man who starts and once it is i and once i know that he respects me and loves me i will be hismaid but nothing hs ever happened , i asked for marriage by others whom i have never thought of or even liked but those whom i like they just chose to get married from those who are totally diffrent from me : either my appearance , prsonality , famiy
everything and that what makes me sad ,because i was deceiving myself and i was deceived was i wrong to that extent , each one has already tried to talk to me once ,during the meetingsbut ido not know what they wanted me to say to show that i am thinkking of them , andme i just have neverknown a man
Thank you dearest doctor
Answer
Salaam Salma,
Don't change. Many men (and women) are getting confused and caught up in all the false glitter of illusion... and they are going astray.
If there are no pious men, then don't marry. You are good. There are many women who are reserved and work toward being very good. Allah will be pleased with us. Yes, it is good to marry, but only to a good man. Not a man who would have us become brazen and as prostitutes. Don't fall into that trap.
The men who behave as you described will be very lonely men. It is very sad. Ego is running the world right now... don't let it get to you. Your ways are right, and yes, your ways will ensure that if a man gives you his attention, it will be with good intentions and he will respect you.
Many many women like you are experiencing just what you are talking about. These women have done everything thing they know how to purify themselves and to present themselves to their husbands as good, pure individuals who want to be good, obedient and loving wives. What man in his right mind would not want that? If the men are choosing the brazen women over the pious one, that will be their loss. Pray for them, for they are going to suffer. I am mature myself, sister, and I have seen many mature men fall into this trap, and it is sad when they wake up and find themselves without intimacy and love that they need. Still, praying for them is all we can do...not to change them, but for their happiness. ALLAH knows best. IF this leaves us alone, then alhamduillah, we have our souls, and we can be close to ALLAH.
We women should focus on continuing to be good and pious and loving and stick to our morals and values. Even if that means we will have a generation of women who have no husband. This situation will not change for the next generation if we give in. If those of us who wan to live good and pious lives give in to this, then there will be nothing left.
We might have to suffer the very harsh personal loss of not having a husband to love us, guide us, protect us as we hoped... but at least we will not have lost our soul.
Keep praying sister, and I will pray fo you also, that there is a healthy practicing Muslim man out there who will ask you to marry him inshallah. If Allah wills this, it is already written. If not, then perhaps we are here to be an example to all women, not to compromise ourselves, and our soul..to hold steadfast. We are the wives that would brig a man who fears ALLAH happiness, know this about yourself sister, and know that everything is happening for a reason.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
naima
-
Profession
Question
salam Dr.,
How can one get rid of procrastination problem?
Thanks
Answer
Assaam Alaykum Naima,
The process of overcoming procrastination includes identifying the barriers to motivation. There can be many, and each of us has different reasons why we procrastinate. Some of these can include fear, depression, or simply no interested in doing that which is being put on hold. Other barriers to completing tasks, and chores is the failure to link the task and/or activity to the overall big picture goal that the boring task or activity supports...once a link is made, and the big picture goal is something you really want, you can discipline yourself (train yourself) to accomplish the supportive tasks and activities so that you will meet your big picture goal. If you already have made this link, and you know that you do want to get on with the business of doing, then you are ready to start a self training program to get yourself into a routine where you will automatically complete the seemingly mundane tasks and activities...that you need to do in order to support your big picture goals.
To be motivated, it is helpful to determine what the results of the activity or task that you are procrastinating about will bring you. Is this a result that you really want? If so, we can analyze what is stopping you from moving forward with the activity or task, then we can develop a plan of action to overcome those barriers. Start with the big picture goal first, then link your tasks and activities to that, and then make a schedule. Once you complete a supportive task, reward yourself...there are many ways to do this...and really, you are going to become a loving parent to yourself...sometimes just marking the task of your "To Do" list will give you positive reinforcement...after you have completed 10 tasks, you can reward yourself with lunch... get the idea? Of course, you need to first get into the habit of writing your daily "To Do" lists...so, before you go to bed each night, or at the end or your work day, make your list without fail. Prioritizes the tasks, so that you get the most important task done first. Whatever is left undone, goes onto the next day's list....
To sum up...
1. Start the daily lists immediately. This is something that needs to become an automatic habit... even if you don't get anything done.... keep writing the "To Do" list.
2. Take a day off to explore your big picture goals, and then list the supportive activities and tasks that must be completed in order to accomplish your big picture goals.
3. Write down your thoughts, about what might be the barriers to your successfully completing your supportive tasks, is it inability to focus? To many distractions? Fear of success? Once you have identified any barriers, we can develop a strategy for overcoming those barriers.
4. In addition to doing this work, work on getting in to the habit of regular prayer. It is interesting, but when we pray regularly, we are more motivated, and can focus better on the task at hand, and our mind does not drift as much.
I pray that these ideas will be helpful to you.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
anon
-
Profession
Question
salam Dr.,
I hope you remember me. I sent you an e-mail twice but received no reply. I have depression and was given celapram 20 mg once daily i took it for 2 weeks then i went to an homapathetic doc. who gave me nervoheel meds. for depression and sinuses and solary Tryptoval i have been taking this for last 10 ten days.I still don't feel well i cannot sleep at all and feel guilty about all sins i have done minor things from my childhood are playing in my mind i prey but my mind is somewhere else its like i am doing one thing and my is traveling elsewhere then i wonder if my preying is being accepted as my mouth is moving butmindis swhere else i feel so down and want to cry all the time but some inner strength stops me from this i feel i have failed Allah in the way i raised my kids i have failed them and myself owise the kids would not chose there type of lifestyle i hope you rem.y previous problems i wrote to you about ther is so much to do but just can't get it done I am slacking away in my nafal prayers also i make sure to complete all fard prayers but the etras i used to do seems so much effort i did so much prayers in ramadan but now i don't know whats happening i don't think anyone truly understands me please help.
Answer
Assalam Alaykum Anon,
Yes I truly do remember you. Please accept my apology for not being able to respond quickly these last couple weeks. I am very behind in responding to e-mails. Honestly, I am getting quite a few. It is my intention to respond to all of them today inshallah.
There is so much I want to say here to address this post.
First, remember than when you take any medication for depression, it takes a minimum of three weeks before you feel and changes in mood. With homapathetic treatments, this time period can even be longer. So, stick to one reginmine for a good trial before you discard it for another.
Second, don't worry about whether or not your prayer is being accepted. Allah knows your condition. Focus instead of doing the prayers. The actual action and practice of praying will help with depression if you don't judge yourself. If your mind wanders, think of those thoughts as little birds flying away..and remain aware of what you are doing... don't give any thought to your thoughts...they are just thoughts, nothing more, and nothing less. keep the prayer going, and you will receive a benefit... with this attitude, you will begin to pray more naturally, and your mind will come to the prayer more often... let this be a natural process. The more you try to force your mind, the more it fights back, so let it be...and just keep praying...
Third, you need to cry. The strength you are talking about is suppression, and if you keep suppressing your emotions, your mind will always be "out there" because your emotions will express or process one way or another. Crying is very healing and cleansing and healthy. It helps the mind and soul process that which has brought you sadness and frees your mind to resolve inner conflict...it is a healing process that Allah Himself gave to us as a gift. It allows us to heal our pain while the cleaning drops of water wash away the darkness of your soul...cry, it helps. You will not end up in endless despair, it will actually free you from that...cry.
What's is important, all is not lost with your children. Many of us reared our children according to the norms of the culture and times we were living in, as we were ignorant to a better way. There is not need to judge them or yourself, and there is something very positive that you can do now. You can tell your children what you thought you were wrong about, what misguidance or misinformation you might have given to them. Our children respect honesty, and despise hypocrisy. You can tell then why and how you changed, without telling them that they have to. Our children are curious about the choices we make, and the ability to change for the good is a good lessons and example that we can give to our children. We can continue to be good examples and invite our children into our lives. They will contemplate and take it all in. We can appeal to their intellect when we talk about our religion... there is not failure...ALLAH is in control... we do our best with the tools we have available, now, we have better tools, we can use them.
Fifth, Allah hears your heart... when you pray, you undoubtedly have thing in your heart that are burning... TRUST in Allah and then this PROCESS.
Most of us who are either reverts, converts, or born Muslims who have not been practicing for awhile, go through a process and our meeting our obligatory prayers are often cyclical. We will go through times when it all seems natural, easy..then our old habits overcome us for awhile... then you are going through a period of falling back into your old habits of going through your day...just do the prayer as best you can...and each day start over with that intention... don't beat yourself up when you do not meet your goal of prayer, start over with sincere intention. It wont be long and you will be back in our prayer routine and your spiritual way of life again...each cycle, you will spend more time in prayer and spiritual living and you wil be more detached from the distractions of the secular wold that pull you away from prayer... you are building new habits and new skills, be kind to yourself... and praise ALLAH for this opportunity of learning and entering a new lifestyle.
It will all com together, in-sha-Allah, if we allow Allah to create our lives, and we submit to this beautiful process in TRUST.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
sadeqa
-
Profession
Question
salam
last week you gave me good advice about sortn my current problems about my 2 be husband to learn my lanaguge so he can communicate with my family and maybe then they will be happy because i wil fit in with thier culture okay aswell.
my other problem in which i cant find a solution need it desperatley is the problem of having sex? i fear it, its not normal i dont no how to deal with this problem so sort it out whom 2 go 4 help because of this i begin 2 feel i wont be successfull in marriage i cant fulfil husband needs i have a fear of sex how do i sort it out?
u said b4 go 2 therapist i dont have any services were i live den what do i do?
can i ever be normal and have children and perform sex etc, i feel very uncomfortable when i think about these things
please help me
salam
Answer
Salaam Sister Sadeqa,
Most women fear sex, until it happens. It takes time. In-sha-Allah your husband will be patient with you and will go very slow with you. Get used to cuddling first. You will like cuddling.
Next, analyze what you beliefs and thoughts about sex are. Chances are you beliefs are making you afraid, yet your beliefs are probably false.
If your mother felt uncomfortable talking about sex with you, then the sheer mystery of what is is can be scary. But, if you husband is sensitive and caring, he will be very gentle with you and you will soon learn that not only is there nothing to fear, it is a very wonderful gift from ALLAH, and having this between you and your husband will be a source of great comfort and joy. Allah does make our lives miserable, and He does not give us natural desires that would hurt us... ALLAH is beautiful and Good, and the gift that He gives us, when accepted and acted upon appropriately... within marriage is something to be thankful for, not rejected.
Tell your husband to help you relax before he initiates anything. Communication between husband and wife is the most important ingredient.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
nouf
-
Profession
Question
salam dear doctor ,
my problem is that i look younger than my age
some men may like me but i think that once they know my real age they change their minds
I am 32 but the majority think that i am only 26 or 24 or even 27 , shall believe in that with myself , me i like to be very modest AND I AM SHORT may be this is the cause i don't know me i seee and feeel that i am 44
ANOTHER PROBLEM IS THATI AM AFRAID OFMARRIAGE BECUSE MY FAMILY MEEMBERS ALWAYS MAKE ME LOSE CONFIDENCE ,that iam not beatifull enough and that the men want oly my salary , and that men are bad , i am very kind - weak person
Thank you in advance
Answer
Salaam Sister Nouf,
Parents often inadvertently put fear into their daughters about men. Their intentions are to protect their daughters from bad men. So, the intentions are god, but the approach is misguided. Also, when family and parent tell us women that we are not pretty, etc... again, often their intention is to prevent us from becoming vain, which would really destroy us. So, again, the intention is good, but the approach is misguided.
With that in mind, I promise you if you are a woman, you have feminine beauty. And, know this too, in the west and now spreading across the globe, are models who wear makeup, stare themselves, and their pictures are airbrushed..and the media is selling this to the world as an image of beauty, but it is not beautiful. Here is a secret... you can make anything sexy...fetishes are created by associating something with the sexual desire...which ordinarily would not be... now, the secret is, this desire to have a fake woman is really a fetish..and men are becoming confused by the media, having their natural tendencies associated with something that isn't real, and the women are believing that they are not good enough because they cannot ever be what is on the cover of a magazine... this is sad. So, don't buy into it. IF you are a woman, you are beautiful and you are something that a man who has not been contaminates with the ills of secular society will find most attractive.
Be honest, tell your suitors how old you are. Let them know your values, and of your spirituality, and what you feel you have to offer them as a woman (for example, do you hold dear homemaking skills, family, are you respectful, etc...) It is best to write a list of the attributes that you feel you have that will make you a good and pious wife. Then make sure you let your suitors know that you are blessed with these attributes. A wise man will marry a woman for her piety, her values, and her attributes, and will not place physical beauty above those. Women, whether considered super beautiful or not, in today's secular culture, all truly desire to be loved for who they are and not what they look like.
Also, your salary is your business, not theirs. Your money does not, and will never belong to them. You will be negotiating about how much you will work and why. But the husband is the provider. If you contribute, you are giving a gift and that is charity, and you will be rewarded for your composition and generosity, but you have not obligation to provide or support a man. He has an obligation to provide for you.
With that, you can regain your self confidence by reminding yourself of your worth as a woman. If you have a suitor who does not value your worth as a woman, then don't marry him. Save your pearls for someone who will appreciate you for the woman that you are. You are very kind... that is something many men can and will appreciate. Hold out for a man who can value your worth, and don't settle for anything less.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
A
-
Profession
Question
Salam Dr.,
Is it a shame to really really want to marry and express that feeling. I am an educated woman, I make good money, but still I feel my life is empty and I might be missing out on something...
Answer
Salaam A,
Please read my previous response to a sister who also wishes to be married.
Also, there is NO SHAME about a woman expressing her desire to be married. This is natural. We want to be wives, We are women. We want a husband.
