I've been married for 23 years and have two sons. I found out a year ago that my husband had fallen in love with a girl the same age as my eldest son. He now regrets what he did and tries his best to rectify his mistakes. That was his first ever disloyalty and he promises not to do it again.
The problem is that I'm not able to forget his unfaithfulness to me. I've been trying real hard for the past year to forget and try to forgive him but it seems so difficult to do it. I've been crying day and night as everything around me keeps reminding and haunting me of his betrayal.I've lost love and trust in him which makes it even more difficult for me to communicate with him. I'm unable to concentrate on my studies and that worries me as well. Sometimes I talk to myself as I haven't confided my problem to anyone before this.
I know that it's a test from Allah and I've tried to be patient. I read quran, perform all forms of solat and zikir to get some peace of mind. Till now I still have yet to get that 'sakinah'. Please help me to overcome this problem so that I can provide a happy family for my sons.
Answer
Dear sister,
I am so sorry to know about your suffering as a result of this irresponsible behaviour of your husband. As this question is out of the remit of this session, I would request that you send your question to an IslamOnline family counselor.
If you feel you need help from me as a psychiatrist, please get my e-mail from Islam on line & contact me.
Best wishes
Name
maya
- United States
Profession
Question
I have been having marital troubles for many years and have found out recently that my husband has been saying bad things about me to his family, he has also hinted that if I ask for a divorce he will try to expose some of my secrets. I have decided to ask for a divorce as the marriage has just become a farce now and there is no relationship between us at all. My problem is that I have become a very angry person and now cut relations with friends etc whenever I feel I cannot fully trust them or if I become upset at some of their bad habits etc. This has even affected my relation with some of my family members who I feel I can not trust with my secrets etc. I do not know if my feelings of betrayal by my husband is what has lead to this or if it is a form of depression. I have become an angry woman with little or no tolerance for betrayal.
Answer
Dear Sister Maya,
I am really sympathetic & appreciate how difficult this situation is. I think going through such an experience is extremely difficult and may require that you seek a specialist's help.
Firstly, your husband's behaviour may be amenable to change. So look into this even if it necessitates seeking the help of a specialist.
As for your suffering: I appreciate how you are feeling & I can see from your question a mix of symptoms of depression in an angry lady. There is also an obvious symptom (irritable mood) which makes the person angry & provoked by small or minor things. I feel you need to see a specialist as soon as possible.
Best wishes
Name
D
-
Profession
Question
Assalamualaykum.
Dear doctor how to disappear angry and resent habit. And how to be a forgives person? I know that angry and resent to somebody just make heart and soul become ill and uncalm...
And am I must to avoid someone who have contrary personality? So we are very not suitable being a team.
Thank you very much.
Answer
Dear Sir,
Anger and happiness are among the human emotions that we sometimes suffer or enjoy. It is important that we realise that we get angry more than we should and that this anger is beyond the normally acceptable limits.
Sometimes anger is needed, for example, if you see an aggressor overcoming a vulnerable person and treating him with injustice. This is good and is likely to motivate you to change this.
Other situations in which anger is not desired need to be understood and addressed through psychological therapy (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy: CBT). Anger management courses are commonly prescribed in mental services in the UK.
Also we need to look into other aspects:
1. Exclude an associated psychiatric problem.
2. Learn from religion how to use spiritual elements to overcome this.
Best wishes
Name
noufal
-
Profession
Question
Whats the defintion of depression. How can we know that one is depressed.If a person is not eating well and losing weight without any medical reason(fever,..) Is it a sign of depression?
Answer
Dear Noufal,
Thanks for this very important question.
Depression is an illness that has clinical features like any other disease.
This is of course different from sadness which is a common & normal human emotional state.
Clinical features of depression (in absence of a physical disease) include:
- Feeling low in mood most or all the time.
- Inability to enjoy the usual activities
- Loss of interest and social isolation
- Lack of motivation and loss of energy
- Feelings of hopelessness & helplessness
- Loss of appetite and weight
- Women may suffer the absence of their period and men may lose interest in the marital relationship.
If someone is unsure, s/he needs to see his GP if they live in a country that has primary care and if needed to see a specialist.
Hope this answers your question.
Name
Sister
- Malaysia
Profession
Question
Assalamualaikum,
This is my fourth time in 2 months submitting questions. The answers given so far have been very helpful. But I have still not been able to come to terms with what happened. I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks of pregnancy 2 months ago. I am feeling a lot of guilt for it and have not been able to move on. My story is a long and complicated one but I feel that I need to share this. So far I have not told anyone else all the details not even my own husband. Keeping it inside to myself is becoming too hard to bear. My apologies if this is not the avenue for me to be discussing this. I hope you would bear with me.
I am a wife and mother and I work to help my husband with the finances. My husband is a wonderful and responsible man but I see that his working too hard is also taking a toll on him. My work requires a high level of commitment, takes long and sometimes unpredictable hours. I have been trying hard to advance myself in my career, mainly for greater financial security. I thought that if I could earn more, my husband would not need to work so many extra hours just to make the bills at the end of the month. So I worked hard and my job performance was very good. Despite this, everything I did to advance myself was fruitless. I met all the criteria required of me and even possessed other qualifications to put me above my competitors but to no avail. I despaired as I felt that my every effort was met with a brick wall blocking my path. I felt like everything was tumbling on top of me and it became too much for me to handle. My work performance started to drop. Even after I became pregnant, I still felt this way. I didn’t thank Allah for the gift of a baby, instead I despaired in what I thought I wanted and needed but did not achieve. Deep down I knew that Allah knows best and everything happens for a reason. So I really felt surprised at myself when I felt a useless person, hopeless future and started having ideas of suicide. I remember thinking that I wish I could commit suicide just to get rid of the burden I felt but I knew that it was forbidden and besides, I was pregnant. A tiny part of me wished that it was not forbidden and I was not pregnant so that I could do it. That was when I had the miscarriage. I know that Allah knows our every thought. I also believe that a mother’s thoughts and wishes are like a prayer to Allah. I never meant to wish for my child to be taken away. I feel so guilty that I put my worldly wishes above the need of my child. After the miscarriage, I received the promotion I had been working so hard to get. But now I realise that the promotion was not the important thing. Not at all. My baby was the most important but I failed as a mother. Allah does know what is best but I failed to fully trust in Him. I am trying very hard to now. But I am scared because I still have these ideas of suicide. I even managed to convince myself that it was OK to do it; that it was not really forbidden. I started thinking about how I might commit suicide. But I worried about how it would affect my husband and 3 children. Then my husband fell into some trouble. I could see that he was under a lot of stress and I didn’t have the heart to leave him at that time. I postponed my plans so that I could help support my husband through this difficult time and after about a week Alhamdulillah I came to my senses and realised that it is forbidden to commit suicide. I was so scared because I was so close to doing it. I never thought that I would despair to the extent that it shook my faith and clouded my judgement as to what is and is not forbidden by Allah. I am so disappointed with myself. I am so useless and worthless and I only make things more difficult for the ones I love. I need to talk to someone but I can’t tell anyone what I did because I am so ashamed. I do not want to tell my husband because I am worried that he will not love me anymore after what I did to our baby. How could I do that to my own baby. I didn’t mean to. I feel so guilty. I feel so tired. I just want to sleep. But my sleep is very disturbed. I have nightmares often. Nightmares about being chased by demons. I feel so scared that I would not be able to fight the urge to commit suicide. I sometimes wish that something would happen so that I wouldn’t have to be here anymore. Maybe I can be in heaven with my baby. But I know that if I commit suicide I will not be allowed to enter paradise. I also think of my husband and 3 children and I know that I must stay strong for them. I know that I have a responsibility to care for them. I pray to Allah and thank Allah for my husband and children everyday. I read the Quran to give me cmfort and hope. I don't know why I still feel this way. I am so confused. I just want to feel better again. But I don’t deserve to feel better after what I did to my baby. I worry that if I feel better that means that I am forgetting my baby and I don’t want to forget. But remembering is too painful. I am so confused. I am so scared. I feel so guilty. I failed as a mother. I failed as a wife. Most of all I failed as Allah’s servant. I know I need help but I don't know where to turn.
Answer
Dear Sister,
Thanks very much for this comprehensive description of your condition. Firstly, I think you are a very good wife and a committed believer. However you seem to be suffering symptoms of depression which may have started after the miscarriage.
Because of the symptoms you described, including the decline of your ability to function, loss of interest, even neglecting your baby as well as the recurrent and persistent suicidal thoughts, I recommend that you see a psychiatrist as soon as possible. Please do not delay asking for help as it is a imperative. We should not hesitate to seek treatment and ask God to help us.
Name
mariam
- Germany
Profession
student
Question
aslam o alaikum
iam so happy that u are going to answer my question.plz for the allah answer my question.iam very depressed.iam pregnant and my sister is the only one who is givng me that much tension and makes me upset.
we are twins, i have no other sister.we had a very good relationship but later my sister started not talking to me,she had secrets from me. she started a relationship with a married man and wanted to marry him, my friend told me not to yell(as they say i yell and so my sister dont talk to me) so i remained cool, but it was of no reason,she wanted to marry him. we had a big fight at home and she could not marry him. now she wants to marry someone else but my parents dont allow it. she is always depressed. not just coz of this reason. she thinks we are her enemies. she prays a lot, she cries a lot, she says she has pain in her whole body, she yells.
i talked to my parents coz my sister said they were bad parents,they did this and this. while my parents did many bad things to me, they prefere others more than me. but i am thinking a lot of this, maybe coz i married and iam very happy with my husband, allhamdulillah. but my sister is not married. my sister says she cant think positive, she cant think we are good. she always thinks we talk against her(when we just whisper or we are talkign and sitting in another room)she thinks we are bad and just cry. my parents even said sorry, coz my sister told me if my dad would say sorry she would be healthy. but nothing happened.
fact is that she always thinks negative, she is upset all da time, she cries a lot, she doesnt share anything with me,i can try everything.
i really dont know what to do.i am very upset coz of this.
plz help me
i have heard from a psychologist to write a diary in which u write every day one blessing which allah gav eu.
so i thought to tell her to do so.
is ther eanything else i can do
iam really very upset
i would be very happy you would help me
may allah bless u ameen
allah hafiz
Answer
Dear Mariam,
Thank you very much for being so caring to your sister and very keen to help her.
I am unsure whether your sister’s symptoms can only be explained by being unmarried. I feel she would need to see a Psychiatrist not a psychologist to exclude any serious mental illness.
If there is a mental illness it needs treatment which may require prescribing her some medication. If this is excluded she may benefit from the psychological therapy including the diary keeping & counselling.
Best wishes
Name
Tomasz
-
Profession
Question
As-Salamu 'Alaykum:
Bismillahir-Rahman ir-Raheem.
I have heard depression is caused by Seratonin amounts being excessive in the brain.
There are also claims that there is not enough research done, so Seratonin amounts are just believed to be the facilitating factor for Depression.
What does the latest reasearch say?
Answer
Dear Tomasz,
Thanks for this question which is more into the specialist area. There are chemical transmitters in the brain or Central Nervous System (CNS). The most important for depression so far is serotonin. There are also others. In depression, serotonin activity or level is less that adequate and hence treatment is with medication that helps improve this. Up till now research is still limited and everyday we advance more in our understanding of the CNS. So sooner or later we may learn more and be able to help patients better than we can now Inshaa Allah.
Name
M
- United States
Profession
Accountant
Question
I am not feeling well with current financal crisis. I do not feel secure about my family life & job although no reason for me to feel so. I feel my hands are shaky & my concentration is not as good as it should be
Answer
Dear M,
Thanks very much for this important question. The current financial crisis has put many people under a high level of stress. These people are either employees, especially those involved in Banking and investment, or companies at risk of financial loss and letting go of some of its workers as a result. Another category is people who have large debt or loans and are worried about their ability to pay this back.
One of the most common scenarios is house mortgage and not being able to pay it. Many people as a result of this financial crisis lost their jobs and could not pay their mortgages. As a result, their houses have been repossessed by the bank (mortgage lender).
Your situation indicates that your job and family life are secure but that you do not feel this. This may be a state of anxiety precipitated by the financial crisis. This requires treatment with anxiolytics for a short period + psychological therapy for a longer period.
Please avoid relying on Anxiolytics as there is the risk of becoming addicted to them. Another possibility is that you may be suffering from an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). You need to see your GP who can advise you and may refer you to the specialist if needed.
I also recommend you perform your prayers and recite or listen to the Quran as this is likely to help.
Besy wishes
Name
MOHAMED
- Morocco
Profession
ADMIN
Question
IM A MALE. PRACTICING MASTERBURATION LAST 17 YEARS IM FACING IN GETTING MARRIED DELAYED , EVERYTIME IM THINKING THAT TOO MUCH !
Answer
Dear Mohamed,
Thanks very much for your very important and common question.
Practicing masturbation may be common among youths although religion does not encourage this. However you seem to be worried about the future after getting married. I am not sure what the reason for your worry is. Are you worried about your erection, size of your organ or ability to engage in an intimate relationship. Please clarify.
Best wishes
Name
Rana
-
Profession
Question
Salam Alikom,
People in Egypt, tend to deny the need for therapists, although the majority suffer from severe depressions. what kind of self-therapy can we do to fight depression, in case no budget is available or the fear of going to one?
Answer
Dear Sister Rana,
Thank you for this very good question.
Depression is a relatively common problem but is not usually recognised. People tend to attribute their difficulties and symptoms to physical illness due to various reasons, especially due to the stigma of mental illness (SMI).
You probably exaggerated the description that the majority in Egypt are severely depressed as severe depression is the most severe degree of depression and is less common compared with mild (commonest) and moderate (less common) depression.
Psychological therapies are prescribed according to the degree of depression and the associated psychological factors.
Mild depression may respond well to psychological therapy alone. Others (moderate and severe) may need medication.
It is important that we do not limit our treatment to medication i.e. tablets, as research has shown that the combined benefit of medication + psychological therapy is more than either alone.
Hope this answers your question.
Name
AA
- United Arab Emirates
Profession
Student
Question
I am a shy one and did masturbation for six years but recently used viagra & had a sex with a woman. I feel guilty & worried. I am also worried that may be I have HIV
Answer
Dear brother AA,
Thank you very much for your courage to submit this very important question.
Firstly: Shyness is not always a bad thing. If it is more that what is culturally acceptable then this may be called social anxiety, which can be treated by visiting a specialist.
Secondly: Sex with a woman. You seem to have had your first experience with a prostitute as you are worried about HIV. Your feeling of guilt is a good sign though.
1. Guilt: Please ask Almighty God for forgiveness and perform your prayers regularly. Fast if you can as this is likely to help you with this feeling as well as help to reduce your sexual urge. Please remember the Prophet's Hadith which has the meaning that if youth can't get married, they should fast.
2. HIV: Please visit the nearest sexual health clinic or any clinic that deals with sexually transmitted diseases. There will be a period of time until the effect of infection is detectable in your blood. So you need to inform the doctor about the date of your sexual encounter.
Finally, I pray to God that you do not have HIV and urge you whatever the outcome of the test may be, that you remain committed to your faith the rest of your life.
If you need further help, please contact me via IslamOnline.net
Best wishes
Name
Jasmin
-
Profession
Germany
Question
Salam Borther Al-adl.
May Allah accepts all your deeds inshaAllah.
Honestly speaking, I'm not that depressed girl or living in an everlasting sadness, I just feel depressed every now and then, because of my career. Although, I love it and it's perfectly what I've studied during the faculty time, I don't feel like I was made for it..
I feel like I'm a little bit a low effective employee, and I'm not this influential one, despite my manager and my colleagues say the opposite.
What shall I do in this regard? As whenever I think about this idea I got bvery depressed.
Answer
Thank you for this important question.
What you described is common: the feeling of being depressed on and off, and that your main concern is the job that you wanted. You are good at your job as I can see from your manager and colleagues praise. However you are not happy. Why?
Either:
1. You have high expectations and tend to be a perfectionist, so you want to do better and have no limits to improving your performance. However we need to be realistic about what we can achieve to avoid the sense of frustration.
2. You suffer from burn out syndrome which is associated with symptoms similar to what you described. This may require that you take enough time off from work for a holiday or give yourself a change from work.
I agree with you that you are not depressed but with some changes you could be happier
Hope this helps
Best wishes
Name
DD
- United Kingdom
Profession
Statistician
Question
I suffer from OCD & my medication is Prozac but not good enough.
Any advice please as this affects my family & professional life
Answer
Dear DD,
Thank you for your very important question. OCD is a common problem but it varies in its degree from mild to moderate to severe.
It usually responds to high dose of SSRIs such as Prozac. Hence I need to ask if you are taking Prozac 60 mg or not. If not, perhaps you need to see your doctor and discuss this.
Research has shown that OCD responds better to a high dose. If you do not respond well to the maximum dose of Prozac, you may need to discuss this with your psychiatrist and try another medication such as another anti-depressant or introducing a medication to enhance the effect of Prozac.
Also, you may need to have (cognitive behavioral therapy) CBT added to your treatment with medication. This is likely to help a lot.
If you suffer from symptoms of depression secondary to OCD, which is common, please inform your doctor as soon as possible.
Please do not give up.
Best wishes
Name
Ali
- Pakistan
Profession
Teacher
Question
My son has been diagnosed with ADHD. I am feeling depressed because of this. He cannot settle or concentrate. Hitting his sister & running around. He is a problem at home & school. Can you help?
Answer
Dear brother Ali,
Thanks fr this important question.
ADHD is a real difficulty for the child & the family. It is very good that your son has been diagnosed as it is sometimes overlooked & the boy is blamed for his overactivity.
Treating ADHD is not difficult & includes :
1. Medication
2. Behavioural programme
3. Education in a school that can accommodate people with this problem
Please make sure you see a specialist who can treat your son without delay. There is also a hope inshaa Allah as
Most of ADHD sufferers usually improve by adolescence either completely or most of the symptoms.
With regards to you:
if you feel your symptoms of depression are affecting your ability to function i.e. work & have a stable family life
please seek specialist help.
