Dear Sir, Could you pls advise on how to perform Janasa Prayer?
Thanks and regards,
Jamal
Answer
Dear brother;
I am sorry; I am not very sure about the answer.
Editor's Note: The Shar'iah Page can better guide you on this.
Best regards
Name
Jameela
-
Profession
Question
What practical suggestions could you give to a pessimistic person that they could apply so that their thinking and outlook on life becomes more optimistic?
What would you say to somebody who is pessimistic because they have had a tough, hard life and been tested a lot?
Answer
Dear Jameal;
I will suggest the following:
1- Acknowledge that you've had hard times in your life and it affected your way of seeing life (this is important because then you consciously know that your pessimistic thinking is not necessarly related to the situation being that hard or bad but becuase other factors from the past might have a role in it).
2- Have a list of 10 incidents form your life where you were expecting something and the outcome was not as bad as you expected it (usualy, most of people have a long list of such incedents). write them and keep them where you can always refer to especially when you have an issue that you are looking pessimistically at.
3- Go through the previous list and go item by item and try to recall how you were thinking at that time and why you didn't expect this outcome.
4- Believe that you have the power to choose. What happens to us only affects a small percentage of the total outcome of the sitiuation. It is our reactions to incidents that realy shape the situation. Take responsibility to direct the situation to a better path. Don't be pessimistic or negative in your actions. Try to take initiatives to make a change in the outcome of the whole situation.
5- Remember the prophet's peace be upon him said: ÊÝÇÆáæÇ ÈÇáÎíÑ ÊÌÏæå meaning 'be optimistic, expect good things and you will find them'. So try to use word with your self that help your belief system to be more optimistic.
6- Don't sit or chat much with people that are pessimistic. Instead, surround yourself with optimistic poeple that will help you feel more optimistic when you leave them.
7- Try to encourage others to be optimistic. This will help you be one too.
Hope this helps
God bless you
Name
Aminah Khan
-
Profession
Question
Asalaam Alaikum,
I am a teenager and very recently I've found that my mother has low self esteem, which I think has come as a result of arguing with my younger brother who is 13 and tends to rebel against my parents. She seems to have lost the will and feels that everyone will be better off without her. And when I tell her I wouldn't be better she says I would manage as she has managed without a mother since the age of 15.
I know she wouldn't do anything of the sort as she has fear of Allah and knows it is wrong to wish for death but I really would appreciate advice on how I could increase her self esteem and get her back to normal.
Jazakallah, in advance
Aisha
Answer
Dear Aisha,
You seem to be a very caring and loving girl God bless you. One very important point to remember "YOU CAN NOT CHANGE ANY ONE OR GET ANY ONE TO NORMAL". You can help and encourage others but you can't change any one or let them do or not do things especially if it their way of thinking. I am saying this for you to know your role and not to carry a responsibility that is not yours at the first place and then you feel frustrated because the result was not as you expected.
Maybe your mother's low self esteem is not totally about your brother. Maybe she has other expectations in life that were not met and your brother's issue just brought all of it to the forefront and made it more obvious.
A boy aged 13 is at a very critical age in which lots of things are expected but that does not mean that he is a bad boy. May be it means that he is in a situation where he has difficulties matching his desire and needs with the family standards and values. That does not mean that she was a bad parent or that she did not do enough to make him be the boy she is expecting.
These factors might help your mother but I still think your mother has to see what works for her and remind herself of achievements that she has done in her life. One of the big achievements is having a doughter like you. A caring doughter who is searching for a solution for her mother's well being. That means you detected the problem and trying to find solutions using diffrent ways.
May be you can also help by trying to see if you can have more people surrounding your mother that can make her feel good about herself. You might also be able to help your brother to be more understanding and get closer to your mother (you can start with areas that are not of conflict between your brother and mother). Spending sometime togather as a family and talking about fun issues, even for short times, might also help in getting the bonds stronger and increase understanding and empathy.
God bless you and your family
Name
Mona
-
Profession
Education
Question
Assalamu Alaikum
I want to know the relationship between optimism and self esteem. What does each one mean?
Thank you.
Answer
Wa Alaikum Assalam Dear Mona,
Thank you for your question.
Optimism is when you expect a good outcome out of a situation. And self esteem is the way you view yourself and your self worth. Usually if we have low self esteem, we tend to focus on the difficult parts of our lives. In that case, it will be diffcult for us to see problems as chances and opportunities for growth. We tend to see more of failures in our lives than our success. Then, it becomes easier for us to label ourselves by names such as, I am a failure, Everything I do goes wrong, people do not understand me,...
We tend to generalize the bad experiences and see ourselves through the filter of those experineces. It is like a cycle. It will break when we are aware that we are in the cycle and decide to break it, otherwise, low selfesteem drags us more and more and decreases our self esteem.
As a result we expect future incedents in our lives to be bad also because of the labels we gave to ourselves and the the way we see our selves as not deserving to have a good outcome, so this is how we become pessimistic.
The opposit also works, If we work, people with high self esteem are usualy optimistic because they focus on their past success and see the world through that filter. They see themselves worhty enough to have good results and good outcomes in life.
Hope this answers your question
Thank you
Name
Taher
-
Profession
Question
Do certain people have a tendency to low/high self esteem?
Is it permanent?
Answer
Dear Brother,
I think the answer for the first question is yes, some people have this tendency. I think we all have the tendency to have high self esteem when we are born. Things change after that. So we are by default, high self esteem people.
There are many factors that can drag poeple towards low self esteem. For example, people that have gone through tough trauma when they were children or even at later stages and were not able to deal with it properly, might have a tendency for low self esteem. For example, children whom were victims of sexual abuse have more tendency to have lower self esteem that others.
The other factor are the words we hear while we grow up. Children and teens that hear words directed to them such as stupid, shame, mistake, Don't, you can't, failure, are more likely to believe these words and have them present in their unconscious mind and they flash them back when a situation comes that they did not get the desired outcome out of it.
The good news is, God always wants the best for us and He gave us the tools to repair whatever damages we have inside and one of them is our self esteem. So It is NOT PERMANANT and it is managable and changeable.
Thank you for your question
God bless you
Name
Latif
- India
Profession
Question
What's the difference between self esteem and arrogance. It is not very healthy.
Answer
Thank you dear brother,
You are right. It sometimes gets mixed up in the people's minds on the outside but it is not the same as arrogant people. Self esteem is more about looking at ourselves in terms of our self worth. It is about understanding the real values of self. It is about issues such as learning from failure, looking forward to life, being able to forgive ourselves and others, being in harmony with others, helping others to feel valuable.
Now arrogance is about issues such as, feeling better than others, work continuously to prove to others that we have skills, money, education or wahtever that they don't have, so we are better than them, making sure we are the winners at the end no matter what it costs because we deserve the best...
People with high self esteem are those that you feel good when you communicate with them becuase they send you a message that life is worth living and you get inspired to search for your self worth inside yourself. Arrogant people, are experts of making you feel bad about yourself and about communicating with them in the first place.
After all, arrogant people are those who have very low self esteem inside and to cover for that, they try to convince themselves that they are better than others and they work hard to convince other also. People with high self esteem, don't feel they need to convince others that they are worthy, becuase they believe they are any way.
Best regards
Name
Susan
-
Profession
Question
Does low self esteem lead to abuse or the other way round. Because I watched on TV that harrassers choose girls with low confidence.
Thanks in Advance
Answer
Dear Susan,
You are right. Abusers, especially child sexual abuseres do target children with low self esteem. They rarely go towards children who seem confident. They observe them for long time, how they walk and the way talk and their tone of voice. They are experts in this.
We have in Bahrain an Anti Child Abuse and Neglect Center at the Be-Free center which I am directing. In the Be-Free center, we mainly focus on child self esteem as a prime tool to protect themselves from abuse. It brought tremendous results untill now. There are well documented researches on the direct relationship between victim's selfesteem and sexual abuse even in cases of adults (rape).
Thank you and God bless you
Name
D
-
Profession
Question
Dear Sir
I have been subject to abuse as a teenager. It was not violent but I still ended up feeling very bad about myself. I'm far from this now, but sometimes I am so easily frustrated about myself. I sometimes think that I put myself in this situation because I didn't know my worth. I don't want my kids to ever have to suffer the same thing. How can I protect them.
Thanks.
Answer
Dear D,
The best way to protect your children from abuse is to be close to them, open a bridge of trust between yourself and them, show them love and care the way they understand and not the way you think they should understand. Also, don't judge or evaluate them according to your experience of abuse.
If you can open up a channel of communication (BLAME FREE) then, chances that your children will be willing to come to you and tell you what they think, have fears about, worry about and what they need which is much higher. Then, you as a loving and caring adult, will be more able to sense any danger they might be at risk of going through.
On the other hand, you need to know, believe and convince yourself that whatever abuse happened to you when you where a child, it was not your fault. It is the abuser's fault. Even if you feel that you had part of it, abuse is never the victim's fault when the vicitm is a child. You need to work on this and if you find it difficult, and you feel that you had a part in it, then try to forgive yourself. You need to have peace with yourself regarding this particular issue to be able to help your children in protecting them from abuse.
Abuse is predictable in many cases but it requries consciousness and readiness which it seems that you have them both.
God bless you
Name
Islam
-
Profession
Question
It is very difficult to be optimistic in this world. We feel down because we can't change most bad things in the world.
Answer
Dear Islam,
Yes.. the world has many difficult and frustrating issues that can make life a total darkness and can even be more difficult to see even a small ray of light if we look at our selves as hopeless.
I strongly believe in the power of intention when mixed with hope and faith. We need to never underestimate the power a single person has and the intention to do good things and believe that he/she can do them.
All prophets were in this catagory. They all were alone at first but they never gave up on hope and tried to do whatever they can do to change their close environment and they had successes. Take people like Ghandi for example, he was one single man with a vision who reached it despite all challenges and difficulties. You can go to the internet and do a search for success stories for those who made a change in the life of other people (no matter how small).
Bad things get accumulated and so do good things. I think if you can think optimisticly about your power, you might be able to see an angle that is bright and helps you take out the best of yourself. Every little thing counts and every little thing does affect the global consciousness and move this world a small step towards the good. Remember, you have God's support in all good things you do with the intention to invite a positive change to this world. Be a part of change, you definitly can. Can you be optimistic on that :)
God bless you
Name
Nada
- Egypt
Profession
Question
I can't stand in front of public in any school event. Is this related to self esteem?
Answer
Dear Nada,
This is related to your beliefs about public speaking. I encourage you to take a peace of paper and write what you think about public speaking.
For example, do you think that people you speak in front of will pick on your mistakes? Do you think that you will make many mistakes when you stand in front of public? Do you think that your self image will be damaged should you make a mistake in front of others?
This will help you understand which belief you have that is discouraging you from standing in front of the public and so to protect yourself from it. When you know that, see if you can write some logical sentences and some feeling sentences that can challenge this belief.
All the best to you
Name
H
-
Profession
Question
Assalamu 'Alaikum Wa Rahmatullah
Hope you are in good health. My questions are: What does self-esteem mean and what role does it play in our lives?
How does one develop a good self-esteem and maintain it?
What if a person did not have the 'luck' of a caring, nurturing environment for his upbringing, with lots of positive examples, relentless encouragement as well as support? They grow up into adults who usually are not functioning at their best. Is there any hope for them?
Finally, are there hadiths and/or verses from the holy Quran which mention about building and keeping a good self-esteem? Thank you very much.
Jazakallahu khayran kathiran.
Answer
Thank you for your question.
Self esteem is the way you look at yourself and how worthy you see your self. It affects your life in a very direct way because it affects the expectations you have from yourself and your life. It affects the way you view what happened and is still happening in your life.
Are they happening because you deserve the worse or because life is full of challenges for us to learn and grow and you are undergoing some of them? Do we deserve to have good life or that we stamped our life as miserable because we don't see any hope in ourselves or our lifes? These are types of beliefs that shape our life and their answer is directly related to your self esteem.
Although having a difficult childhood and not having a decent role model might affect our selfesteem in many ways, but we have to remember that we do have the power to live the life that we deserve (I mean in terms of the way we see ourselves and what we deserve). We have to continuously remind ourselves that events havr no meaning but the meaning we give to them and we can change some of the meanings of bad incedents that happened to us.
For example if you were beaten by your father and humiliated continuously, you might give it a meaning that he hates you and never saw any thing good in you and that you are not worthy of his love (and this is what you might feel as a child). But the other meaning that you can give the incedent now (as a grown up) is that your father did make wrong decisions on how to descipline you and failed to do so. He was not able to enjoy being a father that can give and recieve love from you. This is just an example, but in every incedent, you can realy go deep into the situation and find other real meanings that make the incident less personal.
I am not sure which verses from holy Quran I can say, but I think the whole holy qoran is about renewal of our life and soul and it is hope...hope...hope.. It is all about what God want us to be, which is a very high goal and when God asks us to go for it, it means we can, and believing in this in itself gives us a big push in self esteem. Continuous reading of holy Qoran I think helps a lot in increasiing our selfesteem and helps put us in the right direction to do things that in turn help in increasing our self esteem.
God bless you!
Name
Usman
- Pakistan
Profession
Engineer
Question
Assalamo Alaykum,
Can low self-esteem cause psychiatric issues? like anxiety disorder or major depressive disorder?
Also, what's the success rate of psychotherapy for Major depression that accompanies low self-esteem?
Thanks
Answer
Dear Brother,
Low self esteem might cause anxiety disorders or depression. I am not a psychotehrapist and not sure about the rate but I am sure that issues related to self esteem are solvable and sucess is possible and it might not be as hard as some people think it might be for them.
Best regards
Name
Host
-
Profession
Question
Finally, we would like to thank Sr. Soroor for taking the time to answer the questions of Islamonline viewers today, and we also thank all those who participated in this dialogue. Look out for upcoming sessions…
