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IOL Homepage Editor
Name
Emma
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
Salams Dr.,
I realized this is a question for a scholar however would appreciate your valuable input. Why is it becoming such a fashion for men to divorce their wives via email, txt msg or fax. And I can't understand how the scholars are approving this, if a REAL man cannot face his wife that he is divorcing her, then he is just hiding behind a screen and either don't know what he is doing or want a short cut. I find divorce is becoming a fashion in Islam, easy marriage and easy divorce but I also heard that this is the most hatred thing by Allah and the pronounce of the divorce actually shakes Allah's throne. Divorce is necessary in some cases but I feel some cases are becoming more and more the norm. Men are taking second wife and that is breaking the first marriage and ending being in divorce and this is creating a lot of commotion in the Islamic world. It should be made mandatory to divorce in front of witnesses and proofs that they couple have tried all avenues and get a shaky involved, the shaykh should be involved all the way from the time to reconcile, failing to do so then unfortunately to divorce. There were no txt msg, no email during the lifetime of the prophet PBUH. This is the sign of the end of the world, people are becoming so ignorant, a divorce man can get another little girl to marry, am sure he will lie about his divorce while the woman has to go through the hardship of raising the kids and hope for someone to marry her. I think oppression are amongst Muslim men and women but then we cant stop blaming the west. It would be nice to see the scholar with different approaches rather than fostering divorce in the simplest manner. Of course most of the scholars that will come up with such a verdict are all men so they have to make it easy for them too. Men can get married days after he pronounces the divorce while women struggle. Beats me to understand anything except that most sick men/psycho are in Islam and destroying Islam...
Answer
Salaam Emma,
I am in agreement with you. As a woman, a psychologist, and someone who takes marriage very, very seriously, I can't agree with you more that it is wrong to marry and/or divorce simply as a matter of convenience. I would be much happier if our Ummah followed some guidelines collectively to prevent such immature and irresponsible behavior to be demonstrated. Allah does see into the hearts of all of us. Allah will judge these men if they are not being honest with the people in their lives or being fair. Allah will hear our cries. I believe this from the bottom of our hearts.
Salaam
Maryam
Name
sarayou would be asking Allah how He wants to use you, not
- Canada
Profession
financial advisor
Question
Salams Dr. Bachmeier,
Recently, in response to my frustration over my prayers for a husband and children, you said I should not be praying for things that I want but instead I should "be asking Allah how He wants to use me" (exact quote). I am not certain what you mean by that. Certainly as Muslims we are encouraged to ask God for whatever we want, the sky's the limit, so I'm not sure what you mean by the advice that I should ask God instead how He can use me. Are you saying that you think God is trying to telegraph to me that He won't answer my prayers about a husband and children, and instead I should ask Him to help me find an alternative?
Answer
ASsalam ALaykum Sister,
I agree with you, It is perfectly OK to ask for what you think you want. However, if you ask Allah to guide you, and surrender to His will for you.. you will be a much happier person than you are now. You have not yet surrendered, and thus, you have not yet experienced the peace that comes with surrender.
One thing is certain, if we are able to submit to God's will, and align our own will with the will of Allah, we will definitely experience the highest bliss.
Another thing that is certain, Allah loves you. Allah will only give you what is best for you. We often think we want something, yet, in truth, what we really want is peace, contentment, and joy. We may think we know (with our little minds) what will bring that peace, contentment, and joy... but really the infinite mind of Allah is the mind that knows best what will bring us what our SOUL is really seeking. Wherever we are on our journey, whatever we are experiencing now, that is for our benefit...alhamduillah.
Now, as for you believing that you want a husband and children, I still have not witnessed your development of a plan to position yourself so that this can happen. We have talked about this, and you are making certain choices.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Farzana
- Australia
Profession
Masters of social work student
Question
As Salamuwalikum Sister,
May Allah reward you for all your support. My question is regarding a conflict with a friend. I had a female friend who was my colleague while I worked in a school. Slowly I found her, that she makes ill comments about a girl who is another teacher in our school.This girl had a rough past and she did many mistakes. My friend makes nasty comments about her and look down upon her. I told her not to do it. Then she becomes angry and defensive. As she would not stop, I could not keep up with her. Hence, I stopped being close friend to her, rather would say hi and hello to avoid further trouble. Suddenly, she asked me whats making me to be not her close friend anymore. She started forcing me literally. Then I told her, because of her ongoing judgment and ill comments about others, I was compelled to avoid close contact with her. She became angry and felt hurt a lot. She is pregnant, and I am fearing that, If I have caused her any harm. The problem is that, even if I try to explain to her, she does not want to understand, rather becomes defensive, and starts blaming me and others. I am worried that If I have caused any sin. Please reply, your sister in Islam.
Answer
Wa Alaykum ASsalam Sister Farzna,
Even those of us who are working diligently to overcome our own naffs, are still weak... I am speaking of myself and believe I have many sisters who can relate to this. We have to be careful not to judge those who have a habit of judging!
It helps to understand why people judge others negatively. Sisters who judge others harshly have deep withing their own hearts a belief that they are not good enough...that they are inadequate... that they are somehow deficient. This self doubt and insecurity often remains in the subconscious as we project our fear of unworthiness onto others. This turns into a thought inside our head, and feelings inside our heart, that the other person is not good enough... so, when we judge, we are really looking into a mirror. If you friend is judging her sister, then she has doubts about herself. Understanding this will help you to have compassion for her.
Still, if a sister is consistently negative and it is affecting us, and we are not strong enough to remain positive around the other person's behavior, then it is wise to remove ourselves from her company, and you did the right thing. You did your best in trying to help your friend understand. She is causing her own harm, not you. It is unlikely that she will have many friends if she continues on the path that she is on.
It is time for you to find some healthy friends that support your efforts of living a happy life in joy and in Islam. If you do connect with this friend, you can remind her that you like her, that you believe that she was born good (as we all are)...and that you care, but that you also must take care of yourself and protect yourself from negativity as you want to continue to be a positive person.
I pray my opinions are helpful.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
saeem
-
Profession
Question
As salam alaykom Doc.,
May Allah reward for your help.
I hope you remember me, the guy who was dumped by his wife for a flimsy reason.
I loved my wife more than anything in this world even my own nafs, and I think it's because she was the first woman in my life. As of now, I feel shes not interested in me any more and I want to move on with my life. Am 25yrs and I feel I still have a chance of finding true love. But, dear Doc, this lady had such an impact on me that i fear I'll never forget her. I thought the best way to forget about her would be to get married, but am not financially sound right now.
Please advice me, how can move on
jazakAllah kheir
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam,
Yes I do remember you. Actually, it is good that Allah has not given you the resources just yet to marry. You have an opportunity now to develop yourself. As you move forward in your work and explore your needs as a man and what you have to offer the world and humanity as a man, your focus will shift. You will heal from this experience, and you will become a much wiser man that you once were. Focus on establishing yourself for the sake of Allah, and for the sake of making a contribution to society. Position yourself to be able to make money so that you can be a good provider. 5 years will go by fast. Make a time like and write goals for yourself... 6 month, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, and even try to imagine being 45 years old. You are very, very young. If you were to start a family in your 30's you would still be a young man when your children are grown.
Food for thought.
Salaam
Maryam
Name
M.A
-
Profession
Question
Salams,
I get very very depressed if I don't get attention from the ones I love, especially from the man I love the most in my life. he was involved in a very deep relationship for almost 7 years with a girl who left him and married some one else in her life. he bestowed unlimited love and attention to her, more than any one can imagine (he admits this and I can make out from the stories he used to share with me before)
now he says that he, cannot do any more of that in his life, he is very hurt; yet admits that he loves me very much.but I don't see the passion, attention and love. he proposed me too and i am only hoping that things will be better after we are married.
when he approached me for his love confession, he did so very romantically and I could see that he was head over heels for me. a month after that, he started becoming lost in his own world and i can see that we are not the same any more. we know each other for more than a year like the best of friends and 4 months like lovers.
what depresses me more is that he admits that he cannot express love to me,is hesitant to buy roses for me,is not possessive for me etc. and the reason being that he has already done all that in his life once. I don't understand what love is that!!! even I loved some one at one point of my life but was deserted so I moved on, promising myself that I will start all over again and which I did. I am so madly in love with him and want him to be the same. his behavior is making me hesitant in approaching him with love. he calls me almost every day but not once does he talk about US. I am the only one doing initiative to talk about lovey talks. I don't understand what is going on!!! shall I also become quiet and wait for him to come to his natural self or keep on giving him attention and love so that one day he realizes how we used to be. how can i help him? what I see is that he never spoke or met her ex after she got married and if he had done that or does that, he will be OK. she is in her and his home country and he does not want to go there because he will remember his past life. he says that he doesn't think about her and i do believe it but still when one of his friends talk about her, he goes into a very sad and grieving mood. please help us!
Answer
Salaam Sister M.A.,
It will likely take time for your finance to become spontaneous with his love. It sounds like he just has some defenses. And maybe they are even somewhat healthy defenses under the circumstances. Women really know how to love. We do recover (even though we really really believe that we wont)... A woman naturally knows how to get her own soul back and reclaim her honor and dignity, and once she has completed this process, she is healed and able to give her whole self to marriage and her loved one again. We are wired that way...time heals most of our pain. For men, they get caught up in their own confusion... and often when they experience being abandoned, they question their own worth even more that women do. They will never admit this. They fear rejection more than we do, so to be on the safe side, they reject us first... silly, as that doesn't help a relationship, but a man often feels deep inside that protecting his pride is even more important that coming to that special place where two hearts meet. That is sad, because they prevent themselves from really experiencing unconditional love. And yes, you have to give unconditional love if you are going to receive it.
That doesn't mean you can't have a good marriage with this man. If you are really in a space where you love the man more than you want certain behaviors from him...this will create an emotionally healing relationship for him. But you have to decide what you want. Can you let go of the flowers, and the adoration... and accept that he needs you in his life? The best marriages are those that are built over time... not the ones that start off in a romantic blizzard of expectations, and then crash and burn in a whirlwind of disappointment. The most beautiful and most authentic marriage is one in which both parties accept the other for who they are...strengths and weaknesses...
And, the fact is, most marriage, regardless of which way the start, the exciting romantic blizzard ends shortly anyway... the human psyche cannot withstand that level of endorphin running through the system for too long... and regular life sets in... so, we need to strive for contentment and for a relationship to Allah.
Your husband is who he is... you either want to be his wife, or you do not. You need to decide now what you feel is best for you. If you marry, don't try to change him... let him know your preferences, and leave it alone. Love him unconditionally...and see what your marriage grows into over time... get preconceived ideas of what it "normal" or "right" out of your mind, and learn to love the man...the person... this is the love that will make it to paradise.
Food for thought...
I hope this is helpful,
Salaam
Maryam
Name
Latifa
- Australia
Profession
Question
Salam,
Could u please give me advice so that I don't despair. I LITERALLY hate myself as a person. I've gained weight (I'm now fat), my hair is falling out, I've lost all my friends because of my depression which lasted 2 years. I can't make new friends because I don't have social skills anymore, my family life is dysfunctional everybody is always fighting and I think I'm going to fail one of university subjects.
I HATE THIS LIFE... I just want to die and hopefully go to heaven but I know that won't happen because I've been slacking in my prayers !! everyone around me is moving forward in their lives, getting married, having fun and it's like I'm standing still.
It all started when I got depression and things have gone DOWN HILL since. what should I do? I have no social support and there are no mosques in my area..
I'm sick of everything...
Answer
Salaam Latifa,
Thank you for writing in. Yo are appreciated.
Remember if you hate yourself, then you are not seeing yourself and Allah sees you. Allah created you, and all that Allah creates is good.
I would like to know your age. The symptoms that you are describing can be related to a hormonal imbalance, and/or a thyroid problem, and these symptoms can also be triggered from extreme stress, which causes abnormal cortisol levels in your body and triggers an imbalance in serotonin. In many cases, the hormones, thyroid, and stress dance together to create a vicious cycle where each becomes a cause of the other... All three conditions can also cause depression. Then, to make things worse, depression itself can cause the chemicals in your brain to become imbalanced... the good news is, once you start to treat the one part of your body's imbalances, the others start to adjust to the new level of healthy functioning. So, the homework for you to do now is to investigate what is the most evident imbalance. Look at the thyroid first. I say this because you are gaining weight and losing hair.
Please tell me, what were the events in your life when you started to feel this depressed?
Pleas love yourself enough to want to feel better. You are worth it.
Please see a medical doctor and get your thyroid checked out, and also see if your hormones are within normal limits. Sometimes, women experience a tragedy in their lives, and attribute their ongoing chronic depression to that tragedy, when what really happened is that the stress in dealing with the tragedy set off a series of hormonal or chemical imbalances in the body, and so, even though the tragedy is past, the chronic depression remains.
Please keep me posted. I hope this is helpful to you.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
nurul
-
Profession
Question
salam,
My husband cheated on me many times during our 20 years of marriage. He has repented, and as much as I want to accept him I am unable to move on. How do I forgive him? Are there specific steps of going about it?
Answer
Salaam Nurul,
Although you cannot force your emotional self to "just be happy" under these circumstances, there is a higher love that you can have for your husband as a human being and a created being of Allah.
You can separate your feelings of betrayal and abandonment and hurt, and the self doubt that comes when a beloved hurts us soo much...from the spiritual act of forgiveness.
So, you need not deny or lie to yourself that you are wounded. The only way to heal from those wounds is to take them to Allah. You will embark on a new kind of spiritual journey if you do this. You will learn about yourself, your attachments, what is illusion and what is real... you will come to a deeper understanding to Islam if you travel this path... it is personal, and it is between you and Allah. Don't try to get this healing from your husband. Really all he can do is apologize and ask for your forgiveness. Even if he wanted to take the pain away, (and he probably does) he can't. Only Allah can do that, and Allah will InshaAllah.
So, today is a new day. Come to your relationship with your husband as if you do not know him. Try to develop a friendship with him. Learn about him all over again. This is a separate undertaking from healing from your wounds. Try not to get the two mixed up. You have a new man in front of you. You don't know him. You have a new relationship to develop... be open to the possibilities. Get to know him, and if he wants to get to know you, consider showing him who you really are.
This is truly an opportunity for you to make a "new" friend.
Let me know how this goes, and keep in touch.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Chantelle
- Belgium
Profession
Question
Salaam,
I am going thru a divorce, a divorce I dont want but my husband made up his mind so the divorce is more or less done. I had a very peculiar dream that I try to make sense but I cant. My husband has a long beard in real life, in the dream he was clean shaven. We were both going to his place but in two different cars, he was with his friend and I was alone. Once we got to his place, ( he walked out of the house) I saw the place was very small and as we were talking he was making passes on me, and trying to hug and kiss me. On a different day, I was in a shower with another woman (a much older woman who I have worked with a long time ago whom my husband does not know at all) ( two different countried) The water was nice and clear and as I am about to finish shower the water gradually stopped and the other lady since she was behind me , she didnt have much, She got out of the shower and was manually pouring water from a glass to wash her jet dark hair. The I drove to a place I saw my husband wearing an islamic attire standing with his friend what may appear to be either a funeral or a wedding. I drove by, he glanced over but dont know if he saw me but I was trying to avoid him, so I drove with my eyes closed until there were fewer ppl, then I got out of the car, I felt down like collapse. A young man whom we both vaguely know came and held me and we walked by my husband again but this time he was lying down in a deep thought with just a tshirt and casual pants. This morning, It was the sofas at home were not at organised as I usually do and I usually locked the door no matter what, it was slightly opened and a small boy was inside a family I know very well. he is abt 13 -14 yrs old but in the dream, he wet the bed and I was trying to sort him out, put a napi or something like that and while all this are at home, my husband and I were what seems to be a train, a few men were talking whom I think may be the neighbors but although my husband was there but not physically, it was just like a ghost. My husband is the type of person, if someone hurts him he makes bad duahss for that person. He is an extremely beyond reasoable with a severe anger and tempemental problems which he always blames to be the other person, he is unfortuantely NEVER wrong and he has a way to convince ppl that he is right. He is a tyrant and an oppressor at home while outside he is a sahaba. These dreams have bothered me, i heard he said that he regretted the whole thing but too arrogant and too pride to come back therefore since he annouces the divorce to all his friends and families he would rather bite the bullet and leave with it and hope that Allah will give him better, someone told him you had the best, you left for better what have you proved to Allah for Allah to give you another one? Thank you very much, May Allah reward for your great work. masha Allah
Answer
Salam Chantelle,
You are seeing two sides of your husband. Your subconscious is revealing to you the duplicity that you sensed was inside the marriage and your husband. I would like to know if your travels were in the daytime, what the weather was like, was it sunny, dark, or cloudy? I would also like to know the colors of the cars. This is a very significant dream.
The size of a home in our dreams is very important. Homes represent consciousness. A small homes represents that there is a lot that we are not aware of, or conscious about...
The women in your dream is an aspect of you. She is you. You were naked, so you were in touch with your real self...you soul..you authentic inner being.. and you are talking to yourself..the shower represents purification, and the water is washing away your confusion, your fear, and any shame that you may have felt. Our mind uses images that it is familiar with to put a face on the essence..but this woman was really, in fact your wise and mature self. Listen to her. This shower scene is really very awesome and beautiful, as the water was clear..and the older woman's hair (a symbol of sexuality)is that she used the last of the water to purify her sexuality... a very wise thing to do..your soul is healing.
Both Funerals and wedding mark the end of one phase of life, and a transition to another. You seem to be afraid of this transition. You worry is making you feel very tired. The young man is yet another aspect of you. This is the regenerative part of you, and this is the part of yourself that will help you recover and regenerate and give you the strength to transition into a new phase of your life. Your husband is symbolizing a transition as well. And even if you are divorcing, you are still connected and are playing equal parts in this transition. You see him as traditional... and possibly even rigid and very formal, and transitioning into something more casual and relaxed... peeling off the lawyers and becoming more himself.
The young boy is another aspect of yourself...the child within you is feeling disorganized and ungrounded, you are trying to "put yourself together"
A train symbolizes being on a long journey with a very important destination. The men talking may represent the rational mind trying to make sense out of all this. That is was like a ghost, means that there are still facts or understandings that you mind is struggling to comprehend. There is still confusion and mystery as to why you are "on this train", and where it is taking you.
Now, to address the problem with your husband's unshakable pride... there may not be anything you can do about it. Perhaps if you are creative enough, you can find away to help him not feel embarrassed... and to continue the marriage. The kind of pride that your husband seems to be displaying comes from a deep seated fear that he, himself isn't good enough. It is such a painful thought and feeling to be unworthy, especially if one loves Allah very, very much..that any indication he is falling short will be met with severe resistance to avoid feeling the pain of not being "good enough". With that in mind you can remind him that Allah loves him unconditionally, and that you do too, whether or not you remain married or divorced. This will help regardless of the outcome. You husband needs his soul soothed. Believe it or not, he is the one in trouble here...he is the one who is having a hard time healing.. not from anything you did wrong (you are a beautiful Muslimah) but he really has doubt about his own worthiness. So, give you life to Allah, and let your husband know that no matter what, you love him. That doesn't mean that you won't have reasonable boundaries and you must have self respect... yet, you can see the souls that Allah created, and you can see that Allah created something good, and you can remind your husband of that.
With that said, get close to Allah and let Allah hold you as you complete this "train ride" Allah will see to it that you arrive to your preordained destination safely, insha Allah.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
sadeqa
- United Kingdom
Profession
BSC Graduate
Question
salam
last week I sent my question through but when I went 2 read the reply all my questions wasn't posted up. I'm a graduate BSC and now my education is over I'm currently looking for a job. basically iv told u b4 my current problem is that i wanted 2 marry a muslim man who is nice we no each other many years but my parents wont agree cuz he no my culture but much much older than me. but im happy with him allah know in my heart i never want 2 hurt my parents dispite all this im takn this step and leavn marrying with consent always troubles me im depressed. i pray 2 allah that my parents forgive me otherwise i cant live rest of my life as normal. i feel so gulity lying.
im movn in jan 2010 wen im gone i will tell them. please help i dont have courage to talk 2 them. they will disowen me i will die.
2nd problem is i can't live a normal life my problem is fear of sex due 2 bad treatment iv endured in past with uncles other man. i no b4 u say i go councelling or therapist but here in my town i dont have these services avaliable. im 2 be husband knows he always say he will wait 4 me. i feel terrible i may not be a good wife, by givn him love, kids he loves i do 2 all due to fact im afraid of physical relationship how can i ever be successfull in marriage and my later life when all i see is negative
please help me im soo sad
salam
Answer
Salaam Sadeqa,
I apologize that there were some posts that did not get posted. I noticed there were a few. Thank you soo much for your patience and for resubmitting your question.
Please, start by writing "practice letters" to your parents. Practice writing how you feel, what you needs are, and how you believe that if you marry this man that you love soo much that he will honor your culture. Practice writing heart to heart and use feeling words. Also, talk to you fiance about how both of you will honor each other's culture. I am sure you plan to honor his culture, and your parent will be frightened that you are leaving yours. They have dreams of passing their heritage on to their grandchildren. Work with your fiance to develop a plan so that this need is met. If you can do this, and then practice putting that in writing, then eventually, your fiance will be able to ask for your hand properly, perhaps in writing, and reassure your parents that he will provide for you, care for you, be a good father, and honor their culture.
The above is one approach to this situation. If you honestly feel that your parents would disown you if you marry this man, then you need to really, really think about what you are doing. IF things don't work out with your new husband, and your parent disowned you, what will be your support system? So, slow down, and think about this. Still, there is a very good possibility that if you use the right approach, that they wont disown you, and you can enjoy a hpapy marriage with this man.
In your letter, remember to tell them of your fears and that you can not be happy if they disown you. See if you can't discover the actual needs that they are trying to get met when they insist that you marry a man from your own culture... remember, prejudice is really just a fear that connecting with someone who is different from you will put you in some kind of danger, it is irrational... you can possibly heal your parents prejudice if you know what their fears are.
As for the fear of sex, once you trust t hat you are safe, and are able to separate you bad experience from the experience of sex, you will be fine. Sex is good... that is one reason we are blessed with marriage... a safe place to reveal our most sacred part of ourselves... what happened to you is not sex...what happened to you is twisted abuse. Don't get the two experiences mixed up. We can work on this one day at a time after you get married. For now, please don't worry, sex inside of marriage is very natural, and you will be OK.
Salam,
Maryam
Name
Girl
- Indonesia
Profession
Question
Assalamu alaykum doctor....
Doctor i feel soo blank... I dont know what happen to me... I just feel sad without any reason... Doctor is my brain chemical imbalance,so that i need to take medication from phsycologist/phsyciatrist? I have a plan to go there...but i wont tell anybody in my home...im soo shy... I think they didn't understand me in this case... They are soo nice family,,but in this matter..they will not understand me....
Im an introvert person...my family said that im an silent person.. I almost never said my feeling to them,when im falling in love...when im sad...when im angry.... I just keep it to my self... And write it down to my diary...
Is introvert is bad? i ever do an introvert test on internet,and im check about 80% the traits that they mentioned... Is im in serious introvert?
Im like to socialized my self to the other...friends,family,etc. But i never tell them my problem... I never share my feeling.. Maybe they just know that im always happy and nothing happen to me... My family don't know that i have ocd... What is ocd....
Answer
ASsalam Alaykum,
It is difficult to know if you need antidepressants, or just a change in your environment. Introverts have a tendency to become isolated, and that can cause circumstantial depression. Even the most "severe" introvert needs to have some friends to confide in.
Please, there is nothing wrong with being an introvert. I am a "severe" introvert, if you will. The true definition of "introvert" is a person who is regenerated by spending time alone, reflecting...introverts usually tend to work from the inside out, when the majority of humans work from the outside in. Both approaches are fine, it is just that there are more people working from the other direction. Hopefully, we all end up in paradise :)
There is a difference in the definition of introversion and shyness. Introverts have a higher probability of being shy because since they like being alone soo much, they sometimes don't learn the social skills that it takes to make friendships that they can trust enough to share their inner world with. But theses skills can be acquired, they are learned...and extroverts are not born with these skills either. Extroverts just naturally end up in situations where these skills are more easily acquired..they spend more time in social settings.
So, really, we all need relationship, and we all need to connect. If you are an introvert, then you should make it a goal to make friends with at least two people. I know that can be hard work for an introvert, but you need to learn how to be a friend, and accept friendship. I will use myself as an example. I don't doubt that many people just think I am a strange and mysterious hermit... but I have managed to make some friends who understand my temperament. They know I only want one to one, and occasionally I can tolerate having lunch with two women friends. The times that I spend one to one are usually very heart to heart and refreshing and enjoyable. Some of my friends are extroverts and go all kinds of places, but they still find time for me. (Extroverts just keep going and going...they get regenerated by being with people and engaging in social activities).
So, the moral to the story, is that is is perfectly to be the creature that Allah made you.
OCD is an acronym for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. True OCD includes recurrent obsessions or compulsions that are very time consuming and interfere with your ability to care for yourself and live a quality life. IT must be sever enough to significantly impair your ability to function, and they must be unreasonable and/or excessive to earn that diagnosis. Obsessions are persistent thoughts, impulses, ideas, or images that are intruding your psychic space, or mind, and cause you anxiety or distress. Compulsions are repetitive behaviors that are usually attempts to ignore or suppress the obsessive thoughts, impulses, etc...or in an attempt to neutralize them.. perhaps prevent you from acting on those thoughts... it become a vicious cycle.
If you are experience this, you might consider taking an SSRI medication. The combination of taking this medication which increases the level of serotonin that your brain gets, and getting psychotherapy to work through the obsessions that are bothering you are known to be quite effective.
I hope this helps,
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
saadia
- Pakistan
Profession
doctor
Question
salam maam,
I am basically a pakistani resident am here in saudia for a month.
i ve been writing into u previously and getting a best possible encouragement n feeling full of lots of positive energy in me ALAHMDULILAH n thanx to u maam.
maam for a personal grooming how much it is worth it to criticize oneself n how ll it help us grow in our inner strength.i ve seen n experinced that if one becomes weak n losses confidence then ppl start criticing more like they ll push u more down rather than supporting one.
ppl hold grughes against u n all open up ata time.how to overcome that negative energy against u.
maam inshallah e u expert opinion i ll overcome the shortcomings of my personlity inshallah.
the one of most is lack of confidence even if am rite i cant prove myself rite n losses confidence easily.
thanku very much n luking forward to ur expert opinion.
Answer
Salam Saadia,
I don't believe that criticism is very effective. There is a sort of constructive criticism that can be useful, but that must come from a person who really believe in you, your strengths, and is like a coach and mentor to you; a person that you trust emphatically, and that you know is really only "polishing" you and does not have an arrogance about him or her...it is from the space of nonjudgmental friendship.
The problem is, that kind of constructive criticism, that helps us identify where we can become better person in a very positive light, is very hard to come by...Many people commit what is called the "fundamental attribution error". the fundamental attribution error is a situation where the observer attributes someone else's behavior to a characteristically defect..and thus judges the person being observed. This is often a very grave error. Most of us make behavioral mistakes, not because we have bad characters, but for other reasons. So, in constructive criticism, we look to find the barrier to becoming what we want to be. We obviously have a good character, or else we would not be wanting to improve our behavior and performance. So,m with the knowledge that we are good people, who are striving to do even better, we seek out the barriers, or the issues within our own selves that might be preventing us from doing better. With that knowledge, we have power...the power to change.. and that is good.
There is no such think as a good or bad personality. It is better to discover who you are authentically, and then build on your strengths. These strengths are your gifts. Focus on using your gifts to contribute to the well being of humanity, whether that be in your personal relationship, your family, your community, or the Ummah.
It is not wise to hang around naysayers and those who are negative too long. You can be a good example when you must be around it, and let their negative criticisms just roll off your back, but don't spend too much of your time and energy in those environments if you can avoid it.
Confidence will come when you stop judging yourself, and when you start focusing on your strengths... and then you can begin to apply your strengths and good qualities to the situations in your life.
Your homework is to write down ten good qualities that you have...post them here... tell me what they are.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
muslima
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Profession
Question
Assalamualaikum Dr,
It's me again muslima I wonder how to heal from the emotional abuse or heal from narcissist person. The crazy making, controlling and manipulated. like for example I got told to look for a friend then when I found it it's like he didn't like. everything seem wrong even though its his idea/rules but when I got it/ I made it I got criticize or seem wrong.
even for small thing like cooking or food that I eat seems like I am an alien who eat junk or cook junk. sometimes not only critical words with cold face but the strange face that it looks like I am weird person.
no shouting, no bad words a lot it just the manipulated and the attitude made me feel isolated and nut.
I found its hard to heal from those kind because not all understand how it feel or it happen until I just got said that maybe I am the wrong one etc.
Answer
Wa Alaykum ASsalam Sister Muslima,
Actually, you are well on your way to healing. It takes time for that healing to come to the emotional level. However, you have identified the fact that you have indeed been abused, and that it isn't your fault. You understand that you have been manipulated and how innocent you were when you were confused by this person. That is the first phase of healing. You are no longer confused. You do not blame yourself.
Once you know someone can be damaging, then you know you have to protect yourself from the things that they can do to damage you. You learn to develop healthy boundaries. Work on yourself and your own development and let the narcissist deal with him or herself. Remember, narcissism is a Character Disorder that is caused by being extremely emotionally abuse throughout life leaving the narcissist with feeling of extreme unworthiness that is suppressed...the way the narcissist survives is to find faults in others as a defense so that they do not have to feel the pain of loneliness and alienation that they are experiencing as a result of their means, and to avoid experiencing those serious and deep feelings of unworthiness... the narcissist is not aware of this, because the pain is tooo scary for them to feel... Most of us know when we are feeling unworthy, or "not good enough" we catch the "blues" and feel sorry for ourselves for awhile, then we self sooth or get a friend to tell us that we really are OK people, and start to feel better. The relentless narcissist cannot do this. Knowing how deep rooted their suffering is will help you to have compassion, and a healthy respect for the fact that you should also protect yourself from their subtle assaults (they are very good at cutting people)... know what you are dealing with, and have boundaries, with compassion.
If you learn to deal with this, you will heal.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Zainab
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Profession
Question
Assalaam u alaikum arahmatullahi wabarakatuh, Eid Mubarakum!
Dear Dr Bachmeier,
The following problem has been causing me a lot of problems. It has effaced my Iman:
1) I find it hard to ignore and forget the waswas of shayatin and men. Astaghfirullah.
2) I'm always afraid ppl r judging me. I always wonder what if they're right. A lot of ppl criticise my habits regarding deen. They are also Muslims, family, infact who are reading the Qur'an with me from the scholar.
3) I waste a lot of time. And i am slovenly. I don't take interest in things like my appearance. And except for hearing "ur crazy" very blatantly in my face around 10 times a day, i really dont care of what ppl think of me. I am slow and i do things that r dumb. I also find it difficult to finish things with perfection. Im always distracted while doing them. thinking about my problems.My mom who is fastidious finds this untolerable. Even more difficult is the fact that when ppl who are not reading the Qur'an see me, different as they are, pick on my faults (even the valid ones) and tell her im crazy.
4) i don't want what's good for myself.
5) some ppl really know how to spew some vitriol. they're words scar my soul and make me feel sick. How do i deal with this?
You dont know how much harm i have done to myself. Any knowledge u have from the Qur'an and Hadith is welcome of course.
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Zainab,
Truly, Allah is the only one who can judge you. Keep reminding yourself of that one simple fact. This alone will motivate you to do that which your conscience tells you to do in order to please Allah. This alone will give you the strength to ignore other peoples opinions. The more you focus on your relationship with Allah, the less and less important what others think of you will matter to you.
If at all possible, stay away form "toxic" people. We are not obligated to be int he company of people who do not know how, or care to support us and our positive spiritual growth.
Explore your own needs and goals, then ask Allah to help you and guide to to achieve them. This will help you with your deen. If you feel the need for advise, be careful who you ask for that advise. If people want to tell you what to do, and give you unsolicited advise or criticism, tell them "thank you for your concern, but I prefer to handle this one between Allah and myself" That will make them be quiet. If it doesn't, then walk away.
Please see the IslamOnline Reading Islam section. There you will find many resources and references to the Quaran and Hadith. We also have Esteemed scholars. If you are sincerely wanting to embrace the journey of Islam, this website has a wealth of information for you to use and embrace... eventually, you will make friends with like minded people, such as yourself that you feel comfortable with.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
muslima
-
Profession
Question
Assalamualaikum,
Its me muslima (traumatic ) Dr, alhamdulillah I can write you today is like the right time when I feel something. Today I am thinking why I became like having amnesia ( i forgot who I was, who i am and everything ) I through the day alhamdulillah good not too much bitter like it was. It just this amnesia feeling ( forgot about myself ) its interesting me trying to remember little by little but seem like sometimes its totally forgot. I just feel that I feel content ( though still can't define what kind of content it is.. )
sometimes what I feel like I am being like my ex and I am making right everything he made and his lesson about everything. I doubt of myself sometimes whether what I was doing is understandable or right.
I just wondering myself why I became like him and make it all his lesson is right. but i knew something not right deep inside it just I forgot what is that.
I forgot my values, principles, goals, my point of life etc.
i feel funny and strange with this amnesia moment. trying to knit picking myself little by little.
and I wonder why also some people just so easy to through the hard moment and easy to move on and rise again.
I wonder am I weak ? am i too very careful and thinking too much about things ?
I also pity myself why i still thinking of him after what he have done. I just only can remember the good time.
sometimes i just talking to myself that I am just human with a lot of love in my heart. and not sure whether i am dumb or just blind until some are take advantage of that.
i am kind of not easy to get attraction with man but when I got it I get dumbed it. do you think I am just too naive ? people so often say that to me that I am so naive person even my ex say that. but I can not change myself if yes i am a naive person.
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Sister,
You are right...you have ALOT of LOVE. And this is GOOD. Those of us who have been traumatized and have been violated have a hard time knowing how to protect ourselves. That is not your fault. Victims have been manipulated and confused by their abusers. It takes time after being free from the abuse to figure out what is right and what is wrong..how to protect ourselves from being used. Victims had their natural modesty taken from them...they have been brainwashed to the point where they don't know which behavior is protective and which will put them in danger... this is all very common in cases of Post Trauma Stress and with women who have been victims of psychical and/or sexual abuse.
Time will heal this. You will learn what is valuable about your woman hood, and you will learn how to protect your precious femininity and womanhood from wolves who want only to prey upon you. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF.
This learning is a process. You have had your natural instincts stripped away from you... but you will retrieve them...day by day, and by staying close to the sisters who love you and by becoming aware of how much ALLAH loves you and how valuable you are.
I am soooo happy that you posted here today.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
MissD
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Profession
Question
Salam Dr.
I wrote to you about 2 weeks ago, im the one who was dumped by her fiance because i discovered I was going to have children by IVF.
the problem is that I cant stop thinking about him. I know he was the one chose he wasnt able to accept the new situation, and know i might deserve someone better. But i still think about him and wish he would call me again to say he has changed his mind.
How can I get out of this mood and how can I focus to start over and move on? How can I stop thinking about him? I know this means i loved him more than he did, but Love is very a tangible emotion, how can I stop loving him and thinking about him all the time?
I pray a lot, and read quran alot, of course im better than before,thank god, but I still have this feelings, and i feel like crying when i attend someone's wedding or engagment party...i dont want to hurt ppl or be envious and jealous, this was never me, but I wanted so much to be married to him and start a family like any girl in love...
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Miss D,
Yes, Love is real. So, be kind to yourself and not harsh. Pamper yourself and nurture yourself, and do something kind for yourself each day. Make sure to show yourself healthy self love. You miss him. That is normal. You will miss him for while. Over time, you attachment will fade. It will sometimes seem like that is impossible, but really, day by day, its gets better.
In a couple of months, you will notice that you are having more good days.
Over time, after a few months.. you will have more good days than bad...
This is the natural grieving process, and we must allow this process as this actually how our emotions and psych heals. Let it be OK. Reach out to friends who will accept your sadness without judging you, and who will offer you comfort.
Keep writing here as long as feels right to you. You are not alone.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
distressed
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Profession
Question
aoa...
I hope u r doing good..i really lkie ur counselling sessions...
im 22 yrs old and my parents are looking for a suitable partner for me..i dun have any isues with it at all...but lately i have been so much worried about wat if i wont bleed on my wedding night...im a virgin and i have never had any physical contacts with any male..but my periods have been irregular always and when in school and college they would come just any day...so to save myself from any problems during the day ii used to inesrt finger inside to check if im clear or having a period...i dont remember to bleeed after any of those incidents...but now im totaally scare of wat will happen if i dnt bleed..shud i get a medical checkup and talk to my partner before my weding..my periods are irregular till now n i wonder if i will ever have kids...doc says i dnt have any ovarian problem or anything else...i just have to live wit it...pls advise..
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam,
It might help you relax if you talk with a medical doctor. You can have an examination to see if you hymen is still intact. If it is, then stop worrying. If it isn't, you can likely talk your medical doctor into explaining to your finance the medical truth of the situation and protect your reputation.
Chances are, your hymen is still intact.
Also, since the medical doctor already stated that you are in good health, you needed worry about that either. It can take a few years before periods become regular. You will most likely have children easily in-sha-Allah.
