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IOL Homepage Editor
Name
XYZ
-
Profession
Question
Assalamu Alykum Dr.,
I need your suggestion for the following issue. With my parents consent and with my permission I have been engaged to X girl before 1 year. I never saw and talked with this girl X. During the year after my engagement I meet with girl Y whom I like much and have feeling for her. Y seems to me a good match. She also has strong feelings for me. I asked my father for breaking the engagement with X girl but he is not happy with this and told me if I break the engagement than whole family will not be involve and leave you alone. I am very worried about this and I am totally confused in taking any decision. One more important thing is that I promised Y that I will not leave her but I don't know what to do next.
Please Advise...
Answer
Assalam Alaykum Brother XYZ,
This is indeed a difficult situation. Please tell me how you met girl Y, this will help me understand your situation better.
Have you asked your parents to allow you to meet girl X before proceeding with the marriage? I am also wondering why your engagement has been so long.
For now, it would be best if you explained your situation to girl Y and let her know that you need to work things out with your family. Ask her to give you some time to do this. Then, open the lines of communication up with your parents. Really listen to them and find out why it is so important to them for you to marry this girl X.
In reality, you do not know which girl is the better match. If you have not even met girl X, then you don't know if you are attracted to her or not. There may be very good reasons for your family to want you to marry girl X. Do you know what these reasons are? You need to have all the information before you can make a sound decision. So, ask your family to discuss this with girl X family and see if both families can mutually agree to allow you and girl X to meet and come to a mutual decision between the two of you. There is a possibility that girl X would like to meet her future husband too, and it is possible that she would like to be able to make her own decision too. Still, there is also the possibility that girl X has been waiting in anticipation and with hope and excitement for a year to be married to you, in which case, you would be hurting her by backing out of the marriage. Also, if girl X family has been planning for girl X to marry you for a year, you could be in danger of offending this family and your father may be concerned that if you break this engagement, then the relationship between the two families will be negatively affected. So, if you and girl X decide that you do not want to marry, the solution is to find a way to make sure that both families (especially hers) does not get offended and that your relationship with her family remains positive. If you slow down, and continue dialogue with your father, and approach this gently, then you might be able to accomplish this. For now, don't abruptly break off the engagement. Just open dialogue and see if girl X and her family is open to meeting with you.
Please write to me and tell me what you think about this feedback so far so that we can develop an "action plan" for opening dialogue with your family, and then with the family of girl X.
From now on, stay away from the ladies as this is only going to get you more confused. Pray to Allah for harmony and for the best for all concerned, and that no one gets hurt. Allah does know best, so allow Allah to guide you. If you choose girl Y, then you must do so in a way that will keep the family relationships between the two families positive. If you choose girl X, then I a sure girl Y will be ok. She will be upset at first, but since you have not yet married, she will recover. Again, don't make a decision yet, follow my advice first, and talk to girl Y and let her know that this is a serious situation and that you must work it out. Let girl Y know that you cannot engage in long talks until you have competed your "negotiations" with our family and the family of girl X.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
maria
- Philippines
Profession
pt
Question
salam Dr.,
I have a little story to tell. I was a christian until I embraced Islam last 2007, I was working in al ain for 5 years and half, and for the longest time I get to love the religion, in all its aspects. I read books to help me understand and they all did answer all my questions until I finally decided to embrace it with the help of my parents who are Christians for giving me the consent to choose whichever I will be happy... at first I really had a hard time practicing and doing what should be like a very good Muslim. but I thought Allah loves me because it turns out to be easy for me... my question is that, do I commit a sin for having an Arab boyfriend, although we love each other for 2 years now, but unfortunately the guy didn't contact me anymore lately, I really do love him because he teaches me to be a good Muslim... do I have to contact him even if he is already ignoring me?
PLEASE HELP...
Answer
Assalam Alaykum Sister Maria,
First, I would like to congratulate you for accepting and practicing Islam. This is very dear indeed. You will find as you travel on your spiritual journey that much of what you thought was "normal" is in fact unhealthy behavior. So, instead of feeling bad about past behaviors, praise Allah when you are corrected as you have an opportunity to perfect your purity. It is never recommended to have a boyfriend, because most people will fall into sin if they spend that much time with the opposite sex. This prevents us from having a proper marriage where our needs as human beings can be met in a dignified and healthy manner. Allah is Most Merciful. Allah is also our Protector. It is possible that Allah knows your sincere heart, and that you want to be a good Muslimah, and thus, this unhealthy and improper relationship is being dissolved for your benefit.
Sister, do not think that because someone is Arab, or any other ethnicity, the he or she will behave better or worse. Human beings are human beings. Men are men. A good man, who is a practicing Muslim man would not have a girlfriend. An honorable Muslim man would seek marriage and would be responsible to the commitment of marriage, so be careful and don't let any one fool you.
Take time to learn your religion. Also learn the different cultures and their social norms. Then learn to differentiate between culture and Islam. And finally, remember, men are men. There are honorable ones, and there are less than honorable ones. This does not mean to judge your former boyfriend. He probably does not see the wrong in his behavior. However, I must wonder how can he be teaching you to be a good Muslimah, if he is not marrying you, and is engaging in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship? Sister, there are many, many tricksters out there. The sad truth is that a new revert is prey to those who have been reared in Muslim countries because such men know that a new revert does not know better. There are some who will take advantage. So, be very careful and stay close to sincere practicing sisters and let them guide you so that you will be protected from men who would deceive you. Finally, pray to ALLAH for a pious husband, and keep yourself separate for this man. Let your sisters know that you want marriage (if, in fact , you do). Let this man go. If he calls on you, tell him that you want to follow the proper process of a proper Muslimah, and that if he is interested in marriage to you that he should make a proposal. He will either make a proper proposal, or he will disappear.
What you have to decide is this: Are you a practicing Muslimah, who intends to follow Sharia, or, are you a secular sister? You will have to decide what you believe, and follow your conscience.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
sam
-
Profession
IT
Question
salam,
The person who committed zina, has repentance other without stoning to death or lashing? Why my doubts is, when one of the companion(I cant remember name) of Rasul (peace be upon him) committed zina, prophet conducted stoning, (prophet didn't say your repentance enough to forgive this.) And again in case women also prophet ordered the stoning (even after two years, that is after breastfeeding her baby)here also prophet didn't say your repentance is enough...
Answer
Assalam Alaykum Sam,
Thank you for asking such an important question. Please ask this question to our esteemed scholars at our "ask the scholar" department:
I want to know if it is possible for a child to speak 3 or 4 languages, if yes how?
Answer
Assalam Alaykum Aminata,
It depends on the age of the child and how many languages he or she has consistently been exposed to. Three or four languages is conceivable if the child has been exposed to and taught these languages from birth. Many of our brothers and sisters know 4 or 5 languages because they grew up speaking them. Once you know a "primary language" learning languages that grew out of those languages is not as difficult as you might imagine, and not unusual in some parts of our world. Children learn faster and more thoroughly than adults. So, if a child learns the root meaning of two languages... and then two languages that have their origins in the primary languages, then that child will be speaking 6 languages by the time he or she is eleven years old.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Sara
- Canada
Profession
financial advisor
Question
Salams Dr. B.
I wanted to write again regarding your response to me a few weeks ago...I'm not sure if you remember..I mentioned the word "date" and you said that in Islam we don't date. I agree with you; I am a practicing Muslim so obviously I don't play the dating game. But if a Muslim man is interested in me, I will meet with him in a public place for coffee or desert. I don't know how else I can meet him...I don't have any "elders" to screen a potential mate for me.
But you did say that I should be open to Muslim men from other cultures and countries, and I agree. I also agree that working may not be feasible whilst married (although so many men these days want their wives to work). But I get the sense that you are suggesting that in order to open myself to other opportunities, I should stop working, stop earning income, right now, i.e. before I even meet someone. Doesn't it make more sense to make a career/financial change after marriage or upon marriage? What if I stop working, live off my savings, and then I never get married? how does that benefit me?
do you have any advice or suggestions as to how I can find a spouse outside of my current geographical environment? i don't know people in other countries or even in the U.S. There are some "marriage-aunties" located in Canada and the U.S., but my experience with them is that most do not know how to speak English, they want money up front, and the men they have referred me to usually do not have permanent residency status and would rely on the marriage to secure their immigration. That concerns me.
Someone said this life is about discovery, that I should look forward to what God has in store for me in the years ahead, even though it might not be a family. do you believe women can live enriching lives even though they do not have families to love and support them? I have elderly parents but they won't be around forever, as they are in their 70s now. Once they are gone i will have no one. Do you believe that I can still live a healthy emotional existence without any real family surrounding me? That's what worries me a lot, especially lately...
Answer
Assalam Alaykum Sister Sara,
I completely understand what you are saying. The "how to's" of meeting our "suitors" for those of us who are born into a western culture, and are reverts/converts, and older... and who want to be pious Muslimas is becoming a very important subject of our day. Sometimes I use what I call "corrective language" so that we are clear to ourselves and others what our intentions are. And really, intention is what matters. When we use the word "date" we imply something completely different that when we say "meeting a potential suitor for the purpose of marriage". Semantic, sister, but I feel it is important, as the men that we meet might get the wrong idea about us, and we don't want that.
As an adult woman in this situation I personally do not see anything wrong with meeting a potential suitor in public. Having "elders' screen for us is simply a way to get protection and to not let our own neediness (which we all have) cloud our judgment. Some of us are able to find "representatives" since we are of age to make our own decisions, we find brothers that we know and trust (often a husband of a trusted sister) to help us find a suitable husband. However, now days, with everyone so busy, it can be hard to find a brother who will do this. If you can, it is nice, because the brothers know more men than the sister, and it is a very nice and proper way to meet suitors while making sure you will get the respect from the suitors that you should have as a Muslimah. Still, many of us are left to find our own suitors. To make sure that we get the respect and honor that we deserve we simply must make sure that the man understands our intentions and to meet him in public as you have been. Always make sure that you have some sisters that you trust know that you are doing this and let them know what is going on. This will provide a safety net. You can even let a trusted sister know when you are meeting a man in public so she can stand by the phone in case you find yourself in a bad situation. Put her number on speed dial.
About working while married. Sister, I will share with you my bias. This is not Fatwa. It is sister to sister. I feel it is one thing to tolerate a wife working, as many of us women have obligations etc. that we acquired prior to marriage. But, I personally would not marry a man who "wants me to work" as I expect him to provide for me. I would ask why a man wants me to work? Now, I am not suggesting this means that you should not work. You provide many good and useful services to people, you do good works, and you have a right to the income that you are receiving. I believe that is a personal decision for you. If you wanted to use your money to contribute to the home etc, that is entirely your decision. I am not in favor of a man requiring this from you. I question the motivation of a man who requires this. Still if working is good for you, then inshallah ALLAH will provide you with a husband who is supportive of this. Again, the work that you do is honorable and you help many people. Many men would be very supportive of this. However, if you did marry someone from a different country, you might have to get additional credentialing, etc.. it all depends on where you end up, and every situation is different.
And sister, I would not recommend that you quit your job now. That simply would not make sense. Allah gave you a way to provide for yourself and you are not married. Working and providing for yourself also gives the prospective suitors that you are an honorable woman and that you deserve an honorable man.
If you are truly exploring the idea of marriage and are open to seeing "what is out there" Then the first thing I would do is make friends with the sisters in the Masjid and tell them that you are seeking marriage. Also, although you must learn how to protect yourself, ONLINE Muslim sites will open some doors for you. Don't accept marriage to any man you do not know. Don't use your own money to fly somewhere to meet a man. Make sure they know that you are not going to support you...etc... If you do sign up for a service, make sure that you have someone in your life that you trust to review your "suitors" with you, and do this intelligently, and with caution. But there are good men out there having as much difficulty finding an honorable Muslimah as you are in finding an honorable Muslim man.
And I completely agree with the "Someone" who expressed the idea of discovery. No doubt, Muslimah have been blessed with feminine energy, but that energy can be used to bless the world in a variety of modalities. Please, please get connected with other practicing Muslimahs, I am certain that this will open many doors for you. In Islam, we have our Ummah..and this is family. You will have family that will nourish you emotionally and in many other ways if you open up to that. Trust Allah and that He has a perfect destiny for you, let that destiny unfold sister. I am with you... we are sisters in Islam... we are both sisters of the same Ummah... Trust.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Muslimah
- Singapore
Profession
Masseuse
Question
Salam,
Is it wrong to celebrate the birth of Jesus with my children?
Answer
Assalam Alaykum Sister,
Please refer this question to our "Ask the scholars" section:
Also, remember that Jesus (PBUH) was not born on December 25th. Christmas is not a Christian holiday, it is Pagan in origin.
Personally speaking, I wish if we were allowed to celebrate all of our prophet's birthday, but I don't know when their birthdays are. I am eternally grateful to Allah for sending us our beloved messengers to guide us. Alhmahdillah.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
karima
- India
Profession
student
Question
Assalamu allaikum,Dr.
May Allah bless you for your great job. Dr, I am using limbitrol 25.5mg for depression, for 8 months. I have a lot of empowerment after I am using this, but some times my mood changed. I am annoyed by small reasons, noise, and anger. I get tired quickly. Sometimes my tongue becomes twisted. my hands and feet become cold. last week I went out of the house without any body knowing. twice I heard some noises in my ears not often.(noises like athan, rain, thunder,one woman is shouting )but I am OK with other my daily activities. I don't know why this is happening to me. My family is so much worried about my changing situations. What is your experience and advice in my case please advise Dr. jazakillahu khairan.
wasssalam
Answer
Assalamu Alaykum Karima,
Do not stop taking the medication abruptly as this can cause serious reaction. Do see your prescribing doctor immediately, as in some rare occasions this medication can cause serious side effects including hallucinations. Irritability and mood changes are also some side effects that can occur. You may need a change of medication. All is not lost, there are other antidepressants that will probably not cause serious side effects. The good news, is that you are reporting improvement in your depressions which means that you will respond to medication. You just need to find the right one. Also, make sure that your doctor has ruled out bi-polar and schizophrenia. If you have had severe and dramatic mood swings prior to taking the medication or if you have experienced hallucinations prior to taking the medication, make sure your doctor knows this as well. Also ask your doctor to do a medication review to mad sure that the combination of medications is not causing these problems. Finally, make sure you get a thorough physical check up, as there are some physical conditions that can cause these symptoms.
You must insist on a thorough rule out process, and a medication review. Still, it is very likely that the limbitrol itself is causing these symptom if you have not experienced them before...again, it is imperative that you talk to your doctor immediately about this as this can be serious and dangerous.
Again, it is VERY important that you see your prescribing doctor ASAP. Call for advise to see if you should lower your dose now.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Issac
- Australia
Profession
Question
Salam Dr.,
I enjoy reading your dialogues every week - Although I don't ask questions, you have taught me a lot.
May Allah bless you...
Answer
Assalam Alaykum Issac,
Thank you soo very much for your kind post. You made me feel very happy today :)
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
RKHAN
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
Assalamualaikum Dr
Its been about 2 months since we last spoke.
I hope you still remember me...I'll quickly remind me what we spoke about 2 months ago.
I'm the lady who did secret nikah with my husband, then i was scared to inform my parents. also my hubby became poor, remember? he was on the streets for 2 days, and then Allah helped him. Also I was afraid to tell my parents about my marriage, and you told me that your husband can send them gifts etc etc.
Well, I managed to tell my parents. They were very angry and still are. I wasnt allowed to contact them at all. they disownd me. then in August, I went to my parents to see them. i persuaded my parents to accept him, but they said I had to divorce him. I dont want to divorce him at all, because he is a nice man as far as I know. There are no reasons for me to divorce him. I am stuck now, my parents said I have to divorce him otherwise they will never have any contact with me. I told my parents I cant divorce him because he is my husband. My husband is hurt. My dad swears at him and really disrespcted his mum. My dad and mum are mentally torturing me inside as they keep crying and saying that they will kill him and that I should never hurt my parents.
What do I do? I am being menatlly abused and I miss my husband. evreytime he rings to speak to me, my parents swear at him and hang up. they made me write a divorce letter to him.
Please Dr help me? What shall I do? I need to speak to a scholar or someone to find out if forced divorces are acceptable in Islam.
JzakAllah.
Please can you advise me as to what I should do now. I am held captive in my own house and not allowed to be with my husband...
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Sister RKHAN,
I am soo sorry that you are suffering. This is indeed a very difficult situation. Your marriage is not longer secret. You can talk to the scholars at our "ask the scholars" section as I do not believe a woman can just write a divorce letter. I cannot give fatwas, but I don't believe you are divorced from an Islamic perspective. We do have live sessions with our IslamOnline.net scholars. Sometime they are hard to get into because of the demand, but please, don't stop trying as you need to know your situation from an Islamic Jurisprudence perspective:
As for your relationship with your parents. Don't talk too much about this with them until you know what the scholars have to say. Once you know (and I believe that you will find you are married), then you can explain his to them. I pray your husband is working on becoming able to provide for you. This is likely one of the main areas of contention that you family has with him.
Once you know your situation from an Islamic and Sharia perspective, you can explain your situation to your parents from that perspective. That is the first step. In time, if you are indeed planning to stay married to this man, we can work on gaining your parents blessing. What is done is done, so you will have to deal with things as they are for now. Pray to ALLAH who is Most Merciful to help you.
Once you have established that you are indeed married, and you want to stay married to this man, you will want to work with him to find a way to live with him as his wife. Then you can start developing a relationship with your parents. One day at a time.
Salam,
Maryam
Name
sajina
-
Profession
student
Question
assalamu alaikum warah...
hi it's me sajina who wrote you on 27th and from whom did you need feedback(please refer my message dated on 27th)..i think u mistaken my boy friend..he is very genuine and religious guy eventhough i met him by ineternet..i hav knwn him since 2 years and i knw thoroughly about him..ya he is owning a company and his family is very religious and lovable..
i let my elder sister and his hubby to know about my love.my sister's husband doubted him at first..but later i let him to spoke to my boy friend and he came to knw about him and he trust him and they both became good friens today.(alhamdhulillah)..i swear u he is trust-worthy guy..i once again remember u he himself is not my problem at all..his family too accepted me but my only problem is my famil members..i cant talk to my mom about this as u told..but i hav moved this by my sisters's hubby he recommended to my dad but my dad simly told to wait him a little while..after tat my dad didnt respond him but i heared tat they engaged me an another guy..they didnt find him a good guy and they even knw much more about tat guy whom did they engaged..they just decided to marry me him hearing from others saying tat he is gud..but i heard from them(my family members) saying "we know tat family is not so gud but we hav to see the person whom u r going to marry.."see in my area,if i marry him,but i shud i have to live with his family members itself atleast for two years cos tat guy is working abroad..i cant go there for somedays so i shud i hav to live with his family whom did they said r not so gud''now iam not asking tat whom shud i hav to marry eithr my boy friend or tat guy....i trust allah only he never forsake us..my question is wat shud i do whether to continue talking with my bf as before(once in a week) r not/??i hope u can understand my situation..thank you
Answer
Salaam Sister Sajina,
Thank you for explaining the situation further. It sounds like you will be able to get your own family to understand your desire to marry this boy with time and gentle discussion. And it sounds like both you and your suitor have good intentions.
For a sharia explanation, please ask the scholars about this to see if it is permissible or not. I am honestly not sure about the permissibility. It seems to me that if you are completely honorable, and not engaging in haram behavior, and since your intention is marriage, that it should be permissible. If it is permissible, I can say as a psychologist, that it would be good to keep your connection so that the relationship will indeed result in marriage. Please ask the scholars, and let me know what they say about this.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
muslima
-
Profession
Question
Assalamualaikum Dr,
It's me (Traumatic muslima) I am having breakdown these last 2 days. I don't know what is it i just feel loving him the flashback memory of the past is come and I hold not to drag me so deep. I fight so hard untill i can feel the nerve on my head tighten and my nerve shaking too. I don't want too down so deep after crying almost an hour and its better for a while and then breakdown again. Especially today I have a daydream when i fall a sleep and on that dream I am back to our house but there's empty nothing there not even our furniture, and i came to my in law house then i talk to his sister she tell me then he moved to the ground room he will not won't me forever because he is mad the way I talk to his parents about our problem and she said he would rather die frozen on that ground.
I woke up and feel so sad feels empty. I feel something loss that i can get anymore. So sad Dr finding our house is empty nothing there, thinking I can't even have a chance on my dream too. I really breakdown now while i wrote to you I hold my mind to not break down hard to breath and shaking nerve to hold my mind not so down.
I don't know in clear what its this feeling for... just so sad i can't hold this feeling to distract him from my mind. I miss the way i take care of him or caring him..
Answer
Salaam Sister,
You grief is normal. You may also be blaming yourself a bit. But really, nothing happens except for the will of ALLAH. You must remind yourself that you have done the best you know how with the tools and skills, and knowledge that you had available. Still, if you feel that you have said or done anything to hurt your husband, write him a letter and ask for forgiveness. Do not talk about the marriage or your desire to be married to him, he will see that as manipulation (even if it isn't). Just explain what you feel you have done wrong, and how badly it makes you feel, and ask him for forgiveness. Tell him that you would like to make amends. This will really help you with your healing process. It does not matter if he accepts your apology, or forgives you, as ALLAH is the All Forgiving. But it does matter that you ask him. Then, you must try to forgive yourself if you feel you have contributed to the ending of this marriage. Your inner self may feel that you even betrayed your own self if you believe that you contributed to the end of a marriage that you really, really wanted. When we hurt ourselves, we must forgive ourselves for hurting ourselves... and ask ALLAH to help you. Once you move through this stage, you will begin to move into a different phase of life... so, lets work through this now. And, lease keep writing to me and tel me how things go for you.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Farzana
- Australia
Profession
Masters of social work student
Question
Salam, Sister.
May Allah bless you for your contribution. I have a question to ask you. Actually you know, though I try my best with the grace of Allah to be a good Muslim, but for some reason I fear the mid eastern people and feel I do not feel comfortable with them. Allah has given me so much luck to study and do well, and I feel that, the most of the middle eastern men and women are ethnocentric and I do not understand. Those countries are the pioneers in Islam, how come they are so narrow minded and why they sound or look as if they are really shackled? In our shopping mall, I see many women who wears niqab and when I smile at them, they seem to avoid me. I wear proper hijab, not niqab though. Also, I find many Muslims from my own country, which is Bangladesh, really very rude. In Australia, we have many Anglo reverts and I feel quite connected with them. What is happening to the Muslim world? Can we blame others for blaming us?
Answer
Salaam Sister Farzana,
We must be patient and teach one another. We are living in a very scary world and fear is causing separation in our Ummah. Also, remember that there are many divisions within our Ummah, and so some who may be very conservative may fear you because they do not know you. If you can, please make some friends with the sisters in your own local masjid. Surely there will be middle eastern women there. Please reach out and try to make friends with at least one middle eastern sister. It is in that one to one connection that we learn about each other. Once we know each other, we learn not to fear. We also learn the really rational behind many behaviors and beliefs and we become less judgmental ourselves. By becoming less judgmental ourselves, we open the door to others becoming more accepting of us. People are people. One day at a time...and we must all make a concerted effort to connect and to have sincere dialogue with each other.
Don't fear mid eastern people. I can assure you that we are all people, we all have desire and needs which are basically the same. The ways in which we get those desires and needs met may appear different on the surface, but once you get to know another human being, you find you are much more the same than you are different.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Sorayah
- Australia
Profession
Question
Salam Dr,
Thank you for your response last week.
Your advice was very helpful I did all of the things you recommended, i asked my brother to take me to the mesjid, i told him i dont like him going to parties i let him know that i was concerned about his future etc. It went very well, alhumdullah.
Although he still expresses interest to attend parties, i refused to take him - so now he is just asking to go to his friends place during the day but most the time his friends come over to my place.... im very suprised he took it sooo well :) THank you - thank you sooooo much....
Also in reagrds to sports... He absolutely LOVES soccer However,soccer season doesnt start for a couple more months, i suggested he could get a couple of friends together and start up a team and compete in the community, which he was very excited about.
One thing you mentioned last week was about "insturctional control " and that i might be able to gain that with my sister ? What exactly does that mean? and might i gain it ?
I do take my sister with me EVERYWHERE lol - sometimes she doesnt really want to come but rather stay home.
Also how can i build a relatonship with my brother so that he would want to confide in me ? i try to be a fun sister but sometimes i feel i cant really laugh with them ... is that normal ?
Anyways, i just want to really thank you for your advice, i think you are amazing person and i cant express how thankful i am. May allah (swt) bless you and give you the best of this world and the best of the hereafter.
I hope you have a fantastic week - THANK YOU :)
Salam
Answer
Salaam Sister,
First, instruction control, simply means that you have established a teacher/mentor relationship with someone. It means that they will usually follow your instructions and will learn from you and view you as having authority over them. Your relationship with your sister may become very much like a parent/child relationship, and that would be good for both of you. I see that as a very good possibility.
I am happy to hear that things went well with your brother. It is likely that he needs your "motherly/sisterly" influence in his life as he may really be missing that. Keep doing what you re doing with him. You might ask him to meet with you regularly, perhaps on a weekly basis, to talk about his needs, his goals, etc... and then to talk about the needs of the family, and any concerns about t "little sister"... let him know that you and he are "partners" in this and that you want to keep the family healthy and together. You will be like a mentor to him and a guardian...and you both can do this together. His feeling connected to you and part of the family process will help to fill his need to "belong". You are doing a great job and I am sure you will be rewarded for your efforts.. Please keep writing and tell me how things are going.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Hassan
-
Profession
Teacher
Question
Salam Dr.,
What is hadith qudsi? Ten example of hadith qudsi
Answer
Assalam Alaykum Hassan,
According to scholars, Hadith Qudsi's meaning is entirely from Allah while the wording is from the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) himself. Allah the Almighty has communicated these hadiths to His Prophet through revelation or in visions. Here you will find a list of 40 Hadith Qudsi:
Note that I am a student of Islam myself, and that the learning is endless. Our scholars spend many, many years in acquiring their knowledge. If you go to our Hadith section:
http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellite?hSection=LSEHS&pagename=Zone-English-Living_Shariah/LSESection
or Reading Islam Section you will find a tremendous wealth of authentic information and will be well guided. You can also ask our scholars questions like this on our "ask the scholar" section. If you explore our IslamOnline.net website, you will find a lot of support for your spiritual journey.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
rossy
- United States
Profession
Question
Dear Dr.Bachmeier,
May Allah reward you for such wonderful work you are doing for our ummah, we really need more people like you,especially in the self-help area. Now on the subject of self help,Ive been reading about it since I was 15,in books magazines and talk shows not much has really help me,I know that you would say that none of the self-help books would help if ALLAH is not in center of my focus,but I have a question about that.Why do those people who talk about self improvement always say that if you just become who you really are and what you were meant to do here on this earth,that you will be guided and peaceful and happy?I have seen so many celeberties on TV who say that they just follow their hearts and success just follows.Some belive in GOD some do not but all of them do not belive in any organized religon,thats the cause of so many problems acording to these self help gurus.Have you heard of the law of attraction or the talk show host Oprah Winfrey? She has made so confused about life because she brings geusts on her show that prove that if you just follow your passion you will have everything,and so when a women who is half naked says I just follow my heart and she has success and happieness why dose ALLAH not guied them ,same goes with gays or anybody who dose somthing that is haram in islam yet they have more happieness than muslims.Are thay all just liers?Im trying not to read those kind of books anymore.Do you have any recommedation on some good isalmic self help books?Like I said these people really do make seem like you dont need GOD or any religon to be happy.Please reply,salam.
Answer
Assalam Alaykum Rossy,
The problem with self help book etc., is that they usually all use the same basic formula, leave ALLAH out of it, and market to people who need hope.
Don't guy into schemes that are designed to make other people who don't care about you a bunch of money.
Schemes like "the laws of attraction" are simply using basic and simple metaphysical principles and marketing them. And, even if you master metaphysics, you won't be happy if you are using your will, and trying to bend the laws of nature (metaphysics are actually just natural laws, like gravity...that are created by ALLAH for His Purposes). If you decide to learn metaphysics, do not go to the self help section, instead, ask ALLAH for guidance, and read the Quran. Prayer, and submission to ALLAH is the best use of metaphysical principles one can master. If you follow your passions without the guidance of ALLAH, you will fall into sin. If you fall into sin, you will be miserable. Allah is the creator and sustainer of ALL the Universes and all the laws that govern the Universes. ALLAH is the holder of Infinite Knowledge. Your safe path is that path that relies on ALLAH for All. If you watch for lust, greed, anger arrogance, and envy, and strive to avoid these sins, you will make progress in your spiritual growth. This is not information that needs to be bought from a "magic man/'woman"...it is just the truth.
I ask you, what is success? You can get caught up in the bottomless pit of this world and its desires and lusts, and even profit from that, but will this bring you contentment, peace, and the harmony of Paradise? It is fear that the basic needs for food, clothing, shelter and love will not be realized that bring people to this point of self destruction in the name of "self help". Once you realize that ALLAH will provide you with your needs, and you focus of developing relationship with ALLAH through your daily prayers, you will not need any of this.
Look at the difference. You have scholars and Imams teaching you how to pray, and encouraging you to read the Quran without asking one penny from you. You have the self made gods asking you for allot of money and then when they are rich, they tempt you into believing that you can be a god like them and that this will being you happiness... Yet, many, many celebrities are suffering from sever depression and are having breakdowns because they are struggling to know who they really are...they are experiencing what is called and "identity crisis" and also many are experiencing what is called an 'Existential crisis"... they don't know at all who they are and all the money and fame in the world will not help them with this. Yes, Authenticity and living as your true self will bring you to a place of humble contentment, as it will bring you closer to ALLAH... but it is in your relationship to ALLAH that you find your authentic self. You don't need a self help book to do that. Now the psychological principles, and the learning of life skills can defiantly be helpful to a person in improving their quality of life, and I see nothing wrong with that. I see nothing wrong with writing books so that others can learn to do this for themselves and save money if they don't want to see a therapist. But we need to differentiate between learning skills, and living a spiritual life The spiritual life is acquired through prayer and learning Islam. Skills that help a person improves their quality of life are learned, and it is fine to learn those skills from honest teacher who write books, or who teach them through other modalities. All that glitters is not gold.
Salaam,
maryam
Name
Miriam
- Egypt
Profession
teacher
Question
salem, i would like to thank youo first for your answer of my last question, and then to pose a new problem, an acute one, another siter of mine is misusing her mobile phone and msn to chat and discuss with boys, she even meets with them, and i am so afraid for her and faced her twice, she told me this is just for kidding, then i did not speak to her, the following day she told me she wont repeat it, then lately, i captured her doing it, and i still dont know what to do with her, i discussed it and told her this is islamicly prohibited, and we should not trust boys, and to stop it, she said she knows all that, but did not stop it, i swear god i am so afraid for her because the consequences of this are very dangerous, please help me solve t his problem, thank you so much. May allah reward you for your kind action;
Answer
Salaam Sister Mirian,
It sounds like you have done your best to talk with your sister. It is indeed very scary that she insists on this behavior. Please keep being nice to her and encourage a good relationship between you and her. Let her know that if she wants to marry, that you will be happy to support her in the process of finding a suitable marriage partner. If she refuses to listen to you or accept your protection, then she will have to learn life lessons her own way. But please keep being her sister and don't be too judgmental. She will need you when things go bad for her. Meanwhile, keep praying for her.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
yasmin
- South Africa
Profession
housewife
Question
salam,
I am getting alot of whisperings of shaytaan.i have started having doubts of the prophet s.a.w.and allah.i am questioning alot.i had sweetness of imaan a few years agoo and now this sweetness is gone.is this shaytaan.i want the sweetness of iman bak in my heart and i dont want to have these thoughts of the prophet s.a.w.existence and allah s.w.t...help!!!!!!!!!
Answer
Salaam Yasmin,
The best thing you can do is pray, even if you don't feel "sincere"...pray and read Quran. These two activities will likely bring you back. Also, go to the Masjid and visit with your sisters there. Meet with your Imam and talk. Being around those who have a strong Iman will increase yours too. Do this even if it doesn't "feel like you"... Shaytan will flee in the face of many believers, and in the face of Quran and prayer.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
a
-
Profession
Question
asalmu alaikum Dr.,
I have a problem dealing with my family .i am married now and decided to go back to school and get a degree but i was raised in a very strict household, they belive that women should never get out of the house unless its nesccery and when it comes to school and career only a teacher or nurse for women and childern are the only options,dont get me wrong i do belive in what my family has taught me but just not that strictly.so when i told them that im going back to school to become a pharmicist or a lab tech. they were disappointed and my brothers said i was being stupid for getting outside of the house for no good reason my parents are alittle bit better thay say if i go to nursing or teaching it would be better for the ummah,i do agree but i cant stand being around sick people and teaching is not my talent.so now im feeling so guilty like im disobeying ALLAH but this has been my dream to work in labs or medicen,but sometimes im about to switch to teaching just to feel peace but at the same time i hate feeling like im being controled .so what do think? im i feeling guilty because i just dont have enough self-esteem and how i was rasied or is it because my family are right, its a sign from ALLAH that i should just quit.i would feel really bad if i have to quit.please help .thank you
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam,
What does your husband think? My own personal bias is that if your husband is happy with your choice, and you are helping people, and you have prayed to ALLAH for guidance, then becoming a pharmacist or lab tech might be what ALLAH is calling you to do. Often, the real issue that our families have is that they want us to have happy marriages and be able to be good mothers to our children, and preserve the family system. They may not see how being a pharmacist is compatible with those values. They may also be worried that you are going to be around men. But really, I believe that you should do what you and your husband feel is best for you family and to strengthen your family. If you and your husband agree on this, then you will be able to demonstrate to your family of origin that no harm is coming to your marriage, or your family life. Your brothers are probably concerned about your happiness as a woman, and don't understand why you would not want the protection of being at home. That is also something to think about. Ultimately, you and your husband will decide together with much prayer and request for guidance from ALLAH. There is no need to feel guilty if you and your husband feel strongly that you are being guided by ALLAH. But do ask yourself why you want to leave the protection of home, and make sure you are not letting the "world" trick you into thinking there is something "out there", because sister, there isn't. If you explore your own desires and reasons for wanting to work outside the home, and what needs you believe are going to be met from that, then you will be able to make a better decision about what you want to do with your life. Sometime, what your are looking for is right in your own backyard. If you are not feeling "good about yourself", then working outside the home won't really change that... that is an "inside job"....so, really , it is good for you to explore what your true needs are, and then how you will get those needs met. Still, since you are already in the program, maybe ALLAH wants to use you. Again,k you should ask ALLAH to guide you in this matter, and do not feel guilty once you know in your heart what is the right path for you and your family. Please let me know what you think about this. Once day at a time
Salam,
Maryam
Name
Abdullah
- Pakistan
Profession
Question
As salamu 'alaykum!
Sister jazaka-Allahu khayrun. Its excellent for me that you are a female so that you can understand my (our) situation better.
1. I have always seen violence and torture in my home for almost 40 years. You know, more of Hinduish cultural practices in Pakistan than Islam.
2. With this back ground I left home and went to the EU in 1997.
3. I married in 2008 in Pakistan with my current spouse from a very noble family as I laid down strict requirements for religion, character and not for any big dowries or other stupid customs.
Al hamdu Lillah we are very happy here in the EU. BUT, since 3 days ago we (my wife and I) have had problems, why? I left my wife at her parents home during visa processing and this is a BIG insult for my parents that my mother still mentions whenever I call. And I gave some money to my wife for her stay and my mother wrote it down and asked WHY I gave this money to my wife and not to her?
My parents have zero contact with my in-laws, and my wife and my mother shout above things whenever I call her. She does not let go. And believe me she is famous in whole family for her anger. She is very stubborn, she does not let go of things. She tortures me or any one at her will.
My only problem is that al hamdu Lillah I am a Muslim (7-11). There are strict orders for obedience in the Qur'an and the Sunnah. Please tell me as a woman why my mother is like this? I mean shouting and raising her voice so that the whole of Pakistan knows her? Believe me I honestly think even a donkey can not live in my home in Pakistan. Why is she like that? And her sisters and brothers say that she has been like that since childhood even though she comes from a rich and religious family? Why?
And second I honestly think that my terms with my mother will not improve in this world as she DOES not let go of things no matter how much I ask for forgiveness, so whats the solution? I try to take all the garbage out. Some times the insult is beyond the limit knowing that you are mature, well off in deen and duniya Al hamdu Lillah the whole world respects you BUT your mom!?
I hope you can suggest some thinG practical. i don't want the newcomer to see and experience what I have experienced all my life.
Shukrun lak wa ma assalam
Answer
Wa 'alaykum as salam Abdullah
I don't know your mother personally, but I do know something about female/human nature, so perhaps I can give you some ideas.
Women, regardless of what culture, all want to feel loved by their sons, fathers, brothers, and husbands. Its probably the biggest deal in the world to us. Men, they seem to need respect. Still, our cultures dictate what symbols mean that we are loved and respected. If you marry an American woman, for example, make sure you remember the red roses. Why? What is in the red roses? Just a symbol, but the American woman really believes in the red roses. So, your mother believes that if you do not bring your wife home to her, then you do not love her. Also, in your culture, (and in Islam) you are supposed to take care of your mother. She will need reassurance that you intend to take good care of her, and that you have enough love in your heart for both your wife and for her.
Given the history you have stated about your mothers behavior, she may not turn around and be "nice"..but you can ignore her when she is "mean", and just keep reminding her that you love her, and intend to give her her rights. She may feel pushed out of your life, or even be jealous of your affections toward your wife. Behavior like this often comes from a deep feeling of not being lovable and love, and this is certainly not your fault or your responsibility. But there are things that you and your wife might be able to do to help lesson her anger and reduce conflict.
You can talk to your wife about what approach you plan to use with your mother so that your wife will become more understanding. If your wife realizes that your mother is simply very insecure and worried about your love for her (and possible her love for her too), then she will be more tolerant of your mother which will help ease the conflict. Also, if your wife could try to develop a relationship with your mother, even though you are not all under the same roof that will go along way too. You mother was probably hoping that you wife would be more like a loving daughter to her... so anything your wife is willing to do in this area would be helpful. Even if this is done via letter writing. Instead of asking her for forgiveness, jest keep reminding her of how loved and appreciated she is. That is a woman for you, she want to be loved and appreciated.
Once things settle down a bit, you can develop a communicating with your mother and let her know that your need is to be respected. She may or may not be responsive to this, but at least you have explain his to her in a loving manner.
After all this is done, you can only do what you can do. Your focus should be on your baby and in developing a good relationship with you wife.
Let me know if this is helpful. Keep me posted on your progress and on baby too:)
Salaam
Name
Ahlam
-
Profession
Question
Salam respected Doctor,
I get anxiety when presenting in front of an audience. I have done it now for years, because it's part of my work. But still every time, I feel like dying before it get's better. How can I get over this stage fright?
Wa salam
Answer
Salam Ahlam...
If you are successfully presenting in front of the audience already, then you are doing well. Still, you might try some relaxation techniques prior to your presentations. Follow these steps:
1. First, make sure you have rehearsed your presentation (and if you have a good friend, rehearse in front of him/her)
2. Write down the main points of your presentation on a 3X5 cards and review them 15 minutes before going on stage.
3. During the 20 minutes prior to going on stage, first do two rakats and ask ALLAH to be with you and help you make a successful presentation. During the second 5 minutes, use imagery to imagine a successful presentation for 5 minutes..while closing your eyes, listening to soft music, or ocean sound , or nature sound (anything that relaxes you)...and then for the next 5 minutes focus on your breathing with your eyes closed (with the music)... rest in a comfortable position and breath in for 6 to 10 counts (whichever is most comfortable)... and count the seconds of breathing in, and then exhaling... relaxing your major body muscles as you do this (You can also pick up a book on systematic relaxation techniques and learn them and use them during this time) During the last 5 minutes, get up, stretch, and walk around.. look at your cards briefly, take a bid breath and ask ALLAH to be with you.
Let me know if this helps.
Salaam
Name
ANON
-
Profession
Question
ASSALAMALAIKUM Dr.,
Thank you for your response to my mail that I sent you. everyone in my immediate family and someones in the extended family are all very knowledgeable on the issue of bipolar and other mental diseases and actually other people in the community call me to give their insight on depression so this cannot be the problem.
I am feeling a lot better and I am slowly getting back to my routine of preying etc. I am seem to want to eat often and go and spend money on unnecessary stuff just the feeling to shop and pick up stuff mostly for the grand so technically it will not be classed as unnecessary but its unusual I actually picked up so much stuff then realized this was going overboard and had to put it back. I am thinking maybe I am going bipolar too. I am thinking to start a new by leaving everything in the hands of Allah preying and moving forward a day or sometimes I have to focus moving from 1 salah to the next and try not to say anything when the kids who are adults are doing what I or some cases things against our faith. as I console myself that hidaya is in the hands of Allah and I am not any longer responsible for them. Though I feel that I should done more what I more I really don't know in guiding them then again guidance is there but implementing it is up to them. I still have racing thoughts of the past but not to the extent as before. My meds should finish by next week. they have help so I don't know what the homeopath is going to give next. the therapist are not Muslim so to them the strength of holding to our faith is not anything big. there aspect is everyone has a choice to follow and do what they want . but I as a Muslim want my family to follow there faith. at this moment I feel I need to go out somewhere but I don't want to go alone the feeling of euphoria is here.
Answer
Salaam, ANON,
You are doing all the right things. You are being a very good example for your adult children and you are making yourself available to them when they are ready to learn more about Islam and why you practice your practice. Allah is guiding you alhamduillah.
If you have a real manic episode, you will be out of control...really. It doesn't seem like you were really out of control... when you went on a shopping spree. It sounds more to me like you were getting nervous emotional energy out of your system. You were able to put things back, after all.
I would like to suggest that you look for an activity that you can do that you enjoy... that has nothing to do with your responsibilities to your adult children... Pray to Allah and ask him to use you now that your life is changing and you are in a new stage. And keep up the great work of focusing on your prayers.
Please stay in touch and let me know how things progress for you.
