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Answer
-
Name
N
- Mauritius
Profession
Question
As salamu alaykum
Hi Karima,
I am have had a hair problem for around 2 months.. My hair is super oily. It's not like it becomes oily after 1 day or a few hours..it remains oily all the time. When I shampoo my hair, the shampoo does not have any effect on it. When washing my hair I can feel th oil in it. After washing my hair, it looks as though i've just pu oil in it! I've tried using lemon juice, aloe vera and apple cider, but nothing really helps... The aloe vera gel worked only once. This is causing my face to be oily too and thus I'm getting more acne. I've also tried changing shampoo. I dont know what to do now, and I feel it's getting worse as before it was oily only at some parts of the roots, but now it's getting more oily everywhere and the oil is acculumating. Could you please advise me, and could you recommend some remedies that are available here is Mauritius - it may be quite difficult to get the different herbs, etc.
Answer
This session is about the struggles of being a single-mom.
insha-Allah I can help you with some advice although I do have some questions. It would be helpful to know what color your hair is and what type it is. It would also be helpful to know if your skin has any problems apart from the hair touching it? Some additional life-style information would also be helpful. Information such as what is your diet like, have you changed eating habits or any other habits in your life? And, how old are you?
Without this information I can still try to help. I understood from your notes that your hair is oily and the oil is not coming out even with shampoo. Because you are writing about this as a problem I am assuming this oil is more than "normal" for it is normal for some types of hair to be more oily than others - especially if your hair is curly or dark.
However, if the oil has increased or is excessive then something is happening to increase production or the shampoo you are using is not suitable for your hair type.
You might try using a natural soap bar on your hair. Usually soap is intended for the body and can dry hair out. However, in your case, this might give you a good result. It is hard to suggest a suitable shampoo since I don't know what is available on the market there. However, I do know that many shampoos have Sodium Laurel Sulfate in them and that this substance will harm your scalp and hair. Additionally, some shampoos have a high water content. Quality control could be a problem with some brands.
Another possibility is that you are getting build-up from hair products, pollution or other sources. The best way to clean the hair of build-up is to rinse it with white vinegar daily. Pour a half up into a pitcher of water and rinse your head with that. You can repeat this up to three times during one bathing session.
You may need to try each of these methods more than once - perhaps every day for up to a week - to see results. You may also see results immediately. However, sometimes results take a few days to appear as the body heals from the inside out.
Blessings & Health
Name
F
- United States
Profession
Question
I am the single parent (mother) of a 12-year-old boy who is growing hair. I do not know how to tell him to remove it. Since we are the only Muslims in our family, I cannot turn to some other male to show him what is necessary. What do I do?
Answer
It depends on how you traditionally remove hair in your family, and if you are skilled with this method. Although painful, it is often very efficient and lasts longer if someone uses waxing or sugaring. However, in modern times, many people use razors. Any method is fine.
If you are skilled with the chosen method then you can demonstrate on your own skin - using your lower arm or the leg area just above the ankle. It is not necessary to have someone show him the exact method they may use as everyone's body is different and everyone has their own method they develop over time.
Just remember to teach razor safety if using a razor. Arms and legs can handle a used razor. Private parts can only use new razors. The safest brand I have discovered is the "Venus" brand. It is almost impossible to cut one-self with this brand. Teach that it is best to be patient and slow and show him (on your arm) how you go against the growth of the hair and follow the contours of the skin carefully, avoiding any sensitive places (like the bone on the wrist) or injuries.
If you are using waxing or other method you can also do a demo on your arm or leg teaching the safety methods that go with those.
If you are not skilled with waxing you can visit a salon and just "happen to bring your son" to watch. There are many modern waxing and hair removal kits that make it so much easier today than it was ten years ago.
He should be fine with a general hair-removal demo and some gentle direction. There is no need for anyone to have a long discussion about it or demonstrate it to him visually in the exact area.
You may also want to do an online search for some information for him to read if you want some information on the "why" of hair-removal. He would most likely be shy about discussing anything beyond the basic "here is a demo...and now you can do it." with mom.
insha-Allah this is helpful.
Blessings & Health
Name
h
-
Profession
Question
I have a 6-year-old daughter and I am a divorcee. I was divorced from when I was pregnant with my child — my ex-husband said it was a "punitive measure" to teach me a lesson. At the same time he divorced me, he secretly went and got married immediately without my knowledge.
I stopped school for my Master's and I concentrated mainly on the upbringing of my daughter. It was a very, very hard task to raise her alone. Now she is 6 years old and I do not seek revenge or try to turn my daughter against her father, as I do not want to teach her hatred towards others.
My question is now that our daughter is becoming more independent, more playful, my ex-husband is showing interest in her in a selfish way. He lies to her and tells her that he used to change her diapers and take care of her when she was young. He tells her a lot of things that are not true — claiming to be a wonderful father that used to always take care of her. I never told my daughter about what her dad did becuase I do not want to cause her pain and I want her to grow up emotionally healthy. Now the lies are very hard for me to take. He shows no remorse for what he did, but arrogance, and he acts as though what he did was right. He still lies in the most treacherous way. He is now trying to emotionally manipulate our daughter by making our daughter feel guilty if she says she loves her mom more. He is very treacherous and emotionally and mentally manipulative. He is always interrogating her on my wherabouts and throws words to gather information on my private life. He really shows no interest in her as a human being — asking her about her school or her feelings, what she likes, etc. It is all inquistive, like where are we going, what did we do today, who did we talk to, etc.
I need your help on how to explain the divorce to my daughter in a healthy way and how to help her relate to her father in a healthy but cautious way. If he showed remorse or changed for that matter, I have no problem with the stories. But it is that he has not changed and cannot be trusted - that makes me struggle with how do I teach my daughter to be cautious with her father.
How do I protect her from his lies and his manipulative games?
I have no problem with the visitation and never stood in his way. But the interest in her in a selfish way and the lies are becoming hard for me to swallow. I worry about him taking her or mentally abusing her or turning her against me.
Answer
Your concerns are very valid and your approach with your daughter is very healthy. You are indeed right - you do not want to infuse your daughter with any negative feelings towards her father or try to impose emotions on her. It is very popular for divorced parents to try to gain the love of the child over the other parent, to try to make the other parent look bad, to criticize the other parent or to ask questions about what the other parent is doing. This is very unhealthy for the child and I can reassure you that it will come back to haunt that parent later. In all cases I have had experience with the child eventually figures out the truth and it usually does not take them long. Some children even learn to pretend to agree with the "manipulative" parent, and then go back to their normal state when that parent is not around
The best thing you can do in this situation is to provide a safe haven for your daughter
so she can feel free to experience emotions and be herself when she is with you. She will love you and appreciate you for this now and as time goes on.
It is also good that you don't teach her to hate her papa. He may lie and do horrible things, but she will be able to see beyond those to the good qualities he has. Children have that gift. They seem to be able to ignore the negative things about their parents (well at least until they become teenagers) and see through to only the positive. She will find things to love in him and it will be valid.
Here are some gentle things you can tell her:
1. It is OK to feel any emotion you want to mama or papa. Some days you may feel mad at me or you may really love me other days. That is OK. No matter how you feel I will always love you. No matter what. It is OK to love your papa and your mama. You do not need to choose. I will not be angry if you love your papa.
2. It is good manners not to talk about other people when they are not there. If your friend at school wants to talk about another friend behind their back you don't want to do that. If another friend is saying something about someone you know it is probably best to tell them "wait, let's talk about this when (name of friend) is here". In the same way if papa asks about what you did today it is OK to tell him. If papa asks about where you went you can share your day with him. However, if papa asks about another person, like mama, it is best to tell him, "It would be better to ask Mama about that."
If you remain positive and open and don't play the same games, it will be hard for you at first, but it will make her life easier and she will be a happier child and over time she will learn what is right and wrong by observation.
Also understanding why your 'ex' is saying these things may help you feel better. You have custody of your child. This puts him in an uncomfortable situation. Since he is talking about you so freely he may assume you are saying the same about him and since you have more time with him this is frightening for him. He most likely has a fear of his daughter being turned against him, of losing her...and he is trying to protect himself.
You might also try telling her some kind things about him that she can relay to him. You don't want to tell her "tell this to papa" - she will naturally share what you say about him.
What are some of his good qualities?
Can you tell her a happy story about how you met?
How about how she was born? Children love that story. Anything good you can find about her papa - even if it is that he is very good at organizing papers - is positive and if he hears you are saying positive things about him he may feel less fearful and "tone down" the "attacks".
insha-Allah this is helpful.
Blessings & Health
Name
C
- United States
Profession
Question
I have known a Muslim gentleman for about a year, not seriously, but we have talked briefly here and there. last week he asked me if I would have dinner with him and I agreed to.
I know that it is against the Muslim custom for Muslims to date period, especially not non Muslims. In talking with him, we discussed our backgrounds and likes and dislikes etc. Now the big issues are:
1. I am not a Muslim but a pagan;
2. I am divorced
3. I am a single mother;
4. I am also a Hispanic American, all of which he knows.
I am however very old fashioned, and I am celibate and have been for quite a long time. I explained to him that although I was divorced I would not at any time give myself to a man unless I felt that I had feelings for him or until marriage.
Now the big dilemma is that I really like him, and I think he really likes me, But because of the concerns that I have mentioned, especially being a pagan, I do not want to fall for him and then down the line he will have a problem with my religious faith or ethnic background.
Or that we will fall for each other and things will work out then he will later in our life realize that he has made a mistake. I am not even exactly sure what my major question is, but any guidance would be extremely appreciated.
Might I add that I do have Muslims in my family, along with Christians, spiritualists, vodoo worshippers and pagans.
Answer
If you are going to be involved in any way with a Muslim man you would benefit by visiting the local mosque or Islamic center and trying to learn all you can about the community he associates with. If he is not part of the Muslim community find out why. This will help you gain some insight into what type of Muslim he is and if your views might be compatible.
There are some things you may already know but I will list them "just in case"
1. If you have any physical contact with him at all before marriage he will most likely put you into the category of "women to play with" and your relationship will not have much of a chance of going beyond that level.
2. It is better to date him in a group situation. Invite him to a meeting or group event you are going to attend. Go to an event with him and a group of his friends or people he works with. Go on group dates and not intimate dates. Just being alone with him will send the message that there may be "hope" for more and he will most likely pursue that hope rather than trying to find out more about you. All men have needs. No matter how good of Muslim they are. And I have heard many "reasons" given by men (and women) as to why it was OK for them to break the rules. So don't assume he won't want something more than just talking or that he will stop trying.
3. Talk about your religious views and views on life in general. Perhaps not directly, but ask questions that will reveal the answers you need and he needs. You may have a lot more in common than you think. Or you may both just not know enough about each other to know what to think. I have known so many different Muslims and not many of them have the exact same views on religion.
Spirituality is a private experience for each person no matter what religion they are. Find out what his private experience is like - beyond what he says he is. This is more important than his label. I have met Muslims who claimed to be strict and pious, but were anything but that. I have also met Muslims who said they were trying so hard to be "good" and they were some of the best and most admirable people I've ever met.
4. It is permissible for a man to marry a non-Muslim woman. I know of many couples where this has been successful. However, I would definitely give the relationship more time to develop than you would with a relationship of the same culture or religion.
When you are working with mixed culture/mixed culture relationships it is hard to read the cues that come so naturally in one's own culture. So, the information you can learn about this person will come to you much more slowly. You will think you know them very well, however, you will find out later that you misinterpreted a vast amount of things because you just didn't know what questions to ask or what signals meant in that culture or what things were assumed. Some questions never occur to people until later.
So be sure to give it plenty of time and keep it friendly until you know him better.
Blessings & Health
Name
sy
- South Africa
Profession
Question
My son, who is the eldest, has not seen his father since late last year. I don't know if this is the reason, but my son has become very rebellious. He is rude with me, always fighting with kids at school and madrasah. He does not listen to me, and I feel that I can't handle the situation anymore.
We have no idea where his dad is, and I support these two kids on my own, and we are just getting by, what do I do?
Answer
How old is your son? My advice would differ depending on his age. I hope you are still online and can get back to me on that?
Name
-
- United Arab Emirates
Profession
Question
I have been a widow now for just over a year. I am still finding it difficult to adjust to being alone and taking care of my children. I have little support from my late husband's family and no family of my own nearby. I pray and read Qur'an but still I am having a difficult time. What am I to do?
Answer
First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. It is a challenge being a single mom. Being a single mom while also dealing with the loss of your husband is even more difficult.
Secondly, I would recommend giving yourself more time to adjust to the situation. I am not suggesting that you do nothing. However, I am recommending that you give yourself permission to feel overwhelmed, and have a difficult time. It is OK to feel that way and even when you start to have more good days than bad ones, you will still have many days when you sit down and just feel like you "cannot take it". Divorced, widowed and married women all have that in common.
When a person goes through a major change or loss it can take from 1-3 years for them to adjust. However, at some point you will find that you are having more good days than bad ones. Keep track of this ratio and recognize progress in your situation. Don't feel like you need to "be there" - just try to get closer to peace and balance every day. If you are trying every day and things are getting a bit better every day then you are heading in the right direction
Here are some ideas that have worked for myself and other women I know:
1. Re-define who you are as a mother. Women often think they need to be like their own mother was, or like a favorite friend or even like they were four years ago. Remember that you are not that same person now. The way you functioned as a mother with a supportive husband will be different than how you are now. Find out what your "new mother" is and focus on that instead of focusing on who you used to be and how it is hard to be like that anymore. For example, it could be that you relied on your husband to help you with cooking? If that was the case, then you may need to simplify your meals or eat more "easy" foods and give up, for a time, your previous high standards of cooking.
Of course, this is just an example. I am not sure of the details of your situation.
2. Have your children help. Each child can help according to their age. At first this will seem difficult, and you may feel badly about asking them to help "so much more". However, over time you will see that they have an increased ability and sense of responsibility and that they will benefit from this extra work. In today's society children don't work much at all. Most children benefit emotionally and intellectually from having more responsibilities.
3. Form a support network of at least 2-3 people or more. This may take some time, but it will really help. One thing that is very important for all women - married, widowed, or divorced, is that they have a support network. You can cultivate this network by meeting other women with common interests, inviting their children over, inviting them over and attending meetings or events with them. This network is a place where you will trade childcare, trade dinners and have a place to talk and listen. Even if you don't receive any direct help, sometimes just listening is good enough. Listening to what other women are "going through" often makes our own situation look much better.
You may think you are not adjusting very well or dealing with life very well until you hear someone else talk about their problems and how they are (not) dealing with them.
4. Simplify things in your life. If your children are involved in a a lot of activities, reduce them, if you have a lot of volunteer commitments, reduce them. If your house has a lot of extra "stuff", give it away. Clearing your space and time will help relax you and make it easier to adjust.
5. Practice living in "the now" and focus on what is happening at this moment. If you find yourself thinking of the past or the future, stop and try to focus on the present again. A wise man once told me, "when you focus on the present moment, the future ones will take care of themselves.". This sounds like simple advice, but it is really much harder than it appears .
6. Accept what is. You mentioned "I have little support from my husband's family." However, it would be more helpful for you to not even think about all those possibilities. Don't think about who "could" be helping or what "could have been". Instead, focus on what IS. Who is helping? What is going right? What is easy in your life?
insha-Allah some of these suggestions are helpful.
Blessings & Health
Name
b
- United States
Profession
Question
I am a single mother of three children. My daugter is 21 years old and at present she is studying at a university. Just a few days ago she told me that there is some boy in her class who wants to marry her. She says that she trusts him enough and thinks that she will be able to live happily with him. She said that she is ready to accept whatever my decision is. She has been saying no to that boy for a long time becuse she thought that I would feel very bad if she said yes to him. She says she will never do anything that I am not ready to approve.
She just asked me now becuse she thought maybe she is not doing the right thing by rejecting that boy like that. That is why she thought it is best to talk to me, and go according to my decision.
I was really shocked to hear all this from her as I never expected this from her. But I do not really know what to say to her. Is this really right on her part to do or should I punish her? I feel as if I have lost my trust in her. I do not know what to say to her really. Even if she trusts that boy how am I supposed to trust him? On what basis should I think of judging this boy for my daughter? Please answer my questions as soon as possible.
Answer
It sounds as if she is not really sure about marrying this boy, and feels badly about telling him that. She is looking to you to say "no" so she can reject him or making him wait without feeling guilty about it or having to deal with the feelings that are coming with this.
You can make it easy for her and simply say "wait". You don't even need to say "no". I remember some advice I was given when my children were toddlers. The person said, that as parents we say "no" too much so toddlers stop listening. They suggested that instead of saying "no" we say "later" or "wait" or something else.
This same idea works with adult children too. You don't need to say "no". Just say "wait".
However, as I said, that would be making it easy for her. It would be better, if on top of saying "wait" you also talked to her about why she is asking your permission, what her doubts are, etc...
You might also talk to her about her future goals. Have her write a few paragraphs about what her goals in life are and what her "ideal" husband would be like. Tell her to imagine that this boy does not exist and to write these things down. Tell her it is important because even after marriage you need to know these things and have them always in your mind to keep you balanced and oriented in the right direction.
Once she has made the list, have her read it a few days later. Does she see this person fitting into the list she made?
Some more specific questions you can answer would be - at what age do you expect her to marry? Is early marriage something you want for her and that she wants for herself? How does she envision a relationship developing and at what age? How long does she envision an engagement will last? And you? Does she date him? If so, how does she date? Alone or in groups? Does this need to change?
These are all questions and things to do when a girl first starts showing an interest in boys. However, it is never too late. If you can both connect now - perhaps this is a blessing because it has opened a door for you to discuss all these issues.
There is a saying that people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. It could be this gentleman is for a lifetime and if so, he would most certainly agree to a long engagement. Or it could be he just came in for a "reason" - to help your daughter and you find a platform on which to discuss these issues.
Inshaa'llah this is helpful.
insha-Allah this is helpful...
Blessings & Health
Name
Editor: Hwaa Irfan
- Oman
Profession
Question
Finally, we would like to thank Dr. Karima Burns (www.TheHerbnMuslim.com) for taking the time to answer the questions of Islamonline viewers today, and we also thank all those who participated in this dialogue. We apologize for not being able to accommodate all the questions within the time allocated to this session. Look out for upcoming session… 'Beauty on a Budget'
Answer
Thank you Hwaa and to everyone who wrote in. Insha-Allah this was a helpful session.
