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Name
Sehrish
- Canada
Profession
student
Question
I really love someone and cannot think of getting married to anyone else ever! I dont know if he loves me or not but once he did. We got into a fight and lost touch. I dont know how he feels about me now. Whether or not he cares for me. Do you think if I pray to Allah to get me married to him He will listen? I have spent the best time of my life with this guy and cannot even imagine getting married to anyone else. What should I do. I'm only seventeen. Not at the age of getting married. Is there any way I can bring him back into my life without annoying Allah?
Answer
We thank you for submitting this question. If you are sincerely concerned about whether or not your actions will annoy Allah, then our task is much easier in advising you. What annoys Allah Most High is that His servants disobey Him and that sometimes we transgress the limits that Allah Most High has set for us. Consider your own actions. What you consider as being some of the best times of your life with this guy are actually moments that you should be seeking forgiveness for from Allah. Why? Think about it. The person you ultimately marry should help you become closer to Allah Most High. In your case, this young man was just as disobedient to Allah as you have been. Even though you had a fight and lost contact with one another, do you suppose he will actually be any different now than he was before? Why should he change if you have not changed?
You are still young and insha’allah Allah Most High will grant you a pious husband in the future. Your du’a should be for Allah Most High to set you back on the straight path. You should also make du’a to Allah to grant you a husband who is a blessing for your faith, family and future. Is your boyfriend really qualified to be your husband? Let go of him and even the memory of your time spent with him. Move on with your life and constantly repent to Allah for your past actions. And Allah knows best.
Name
Lisa
- United States
Profession
Question
Asalaamu alaikum,
I tried unsuccessfully to find a spouse. I do not like online services as people tend to act unislamic and speak with you without inhibitions like they are courting you.
I also find they all are looking for a BEAUTIFUL woman who is 10-15 years younger than them. How does one find a spouse if they do not have a family to help them and the local masjid/community is of no help.
I am been looking for 4 years now with no success. I have tried asking going to conventions/Muslim events but as a woman you cannot approach someone and ask them on this issue. Most of these events segregate between men and women anyway and you feel bad if you even look at anyone.
Answer
Thank you for your question..
One of the challenges of contemporary society is the breakdown of family and community ties. In order to overcome the challenges you are facing, we suggest that you continue with the efforts you have been making but intensify your du'a to Allah Most High. Even though people sometimes feel that the option of praying to Allah is not practical, du'a is actually the only way to ask Allah what we want.
Since you live in the US, we strongly suggest that you establish communication with some of the reputable Muslim organizations who offer a matrimonial service. During their conventions, these organizations take great caution to uphold the Islamic etiquette of a marriage search. Although it is natural to feel self-conscious because you know that you have been looking to get married for sometime, we remind you that the rest of the world does not know much about you. It is important how you carry yourself. Conduct yourself with confidence and realize that Allah knows what is in your heart. You are seeking sincerely to please Allah through your marriage. Insha'allah, with your du'a and effort, Allah Most High will grant you a pious husband who is a blessing for your faith, family and future. And Allah knows best.
Name
zaki
- Malaysia
Profession
student
Question
''a good woman is for a good man''. i`m willing to have a good (pious) lifetime partner. i know i am not such as a good man, but always trying to be a good man. is there any chance to me to get what i want- a pious woman?
Answer
Insha'allah Allah Most High will grant you your desire to have a pious woman. However, you cannot just make du'a without making any effort to become more pious yourself. Even if you have not been such a "good man" in the past, you should do your best to establish a strong relationship with Allah. Insha'allah, as you learn more about Islam and practice it, you will find yourself more at peace with yourself.
Allah Most High is merciful and listens to your sincere du'a. Turn back to Him, repent for whatever actions in your past were displeasing to Him. Seek His forgiveness and continue to make du'a for a pious wife. And Allah knows best.
Name
Saba
- Canada
Profession
Question
In Shia community, if a husband says Talaq (divorce) to his wife 3 times, is that considered as one divorce? and so does that mean that the husband has to say talaq to his wife nine times to make it a final divorce?
Answer
We apologize but this session is reserved for counseling concerns. Your question is best answered by the Islam Online Islamic scholars during either the Live Fatwa sessions or the "Ask the Scholar" section at www.islamonline.net.
Thank you for writing to us. And Allah knows best.
Name
heidi lay
- Australia
Profession
reception/admin
Question
My partner is muslim by birth. I am very interested in the Islamic faith and would like to know more as I am seriously thinking od converting please advise?
Answer
Thank you for your question. Believe it or not, Muslims have a basic belief which is that Allah (God) guides whom He wills. Yes, we believe Allah has inclined your heart towards Islam. Now, here comes the frank response to your request for advice: we suggest you break up with your partner.
We are being frank for many reasons. If you are feeling an inclination to revert to Islam, consider this a blessing from Allah. Now, because you are being guided by Allah, you should be grateful to Him but we do not believe that will be possible to be greatful to Allah if you are violating one of the prohibitions in Islam, namely that Islam forbids pre-marital relationships of any kind.
If your boyfriend is Muslim, he of all people should know that dating and pre-marital relationships are forbidden in Islam. Therefore, you can see how difficult it is going to be for you to be undertaking this spiritual journey towards becoming a Muslim and yet, you are intimate with a Muslim who is committing a sin by being in a relationship with you.
You have stated briefly that your partner is Muslim by birth. Does that mean that he does not practice Islam? Perhaps he has not studied Islam. We suggest you become serious about studying Islam. You can read books such as "Islam the Natural Way" by Abdul Wahid Hamid and "Islam in Focus" by Hammuda Abd Al Ati, both of which should be available via bookstores on the internet. In addition, you can gain access to audio and videotapes via the bookstores as well. Finally, and perhaps more tangible would be to seek help from Muslims at the local Islamic center or masjid.
We wish you the best. Remember that once you do accept Islam, your past sins will be forgiven and you will not be held responsible for your behavior while you were not a Muslim. However, once you become a Muslim, you will be held responsible for your actions and that is why we believe you would be jeopardizing your spiritual journey by being involved in a pre-marital relationship! Assess where your life is headed and make the decisions that will be most rewarding to you in the long run. We wish you the best. And Allah knows best.
A little background: I am a 24-yr old female genuinely in love, for the past 5 years, with a class-fellow of mine, who because of whatever domestic conditions, believed himself to be a homosexual. Now Ma'ashAllah, he has realized what the truth is. Though he tries to stick to the straight path, I know he wavers often. I want him to turn straight very badly, b/c I know that is the only way out for him. I often advise him to get married as soon as possible with a pious girl. (And believe me, I do that out of sincerity. Though he knows I love him a lot, he would not marry me: he has said so, and has not explained himself. I suspect he doesnt want to 'ruin' my life as he once said. But I also think I am not good enough for him intellectually or physically. So it is not for myself that I want him to get married, but for his own sake). Now:
-Can you please tell me if you've come across any such person who was a homosexual, and later turned straight?
-Is marriage of any benefit in this case? and if he does get get married, what problems might be expected, and how to deal with them?
-Can you suggest anything that is within Shariah and within my hands that I can do to help him? I'd gladly marry him and work WITH him on this issue, but he doesnt want to marry me. What else would you suggest?
-Can you please suggest any tips for him?
-Is psychotherapy of help? The famous psychologists that we have contacted in our city believe this is "just another way of life" (surprisingly they are Muslims!). Is there any psychologist in Pakistan (Karachi) who could be contacted? or, are there any Islamic cousellors/islamic marriage counsellers here that you know of?
Honestly, I've exhausted myself thinking on how to help him and if I'm giving him the correct advice. Please don't disappoint me by not answering.
JazakAllah.
Answer
Thank you for writing to us. We hope not to disappoint you with our answer. First, yes, it is very much possible for a person to have homosexual tendencies and then to return to being a heterosexual. The reality is that Allah Most High has forbidden homosexuality and so, it is really in the best interests of every Muslim man and woman resist shaitanic temptations to ever consider, explore or act upon their homosexual tendencies.
Second, one should not get married until one has thoroughly come to terms with one's own sexuality. This is a serious concern because marriage is a union between a man and a woman. Why state the obvious? Because in Islam, the husband and wife are encouraged to satisfy each other's sexual desires in a permissible manner. We suggest that your friend get counseling to help him come to terms with his sexuality. If he is still wavering, it is possible that even after marriage, he might continue to waver between homosexuality and being straight.
Third, despite your best intentions and concern, Islam forbids any intimate pre-marital relationship between a man and a woman. No matter how sincere you are in helping him, you are in love with him and therefore cannot remain objective in dealing with him. Since he does not want to marry you, there is really no reason why you should continue to have dealings with him. Instead, we suggest that you direct him to get counseling and then let him be. Go on with your own life no matter how painful the rejection and break up will seem to you.
We do not have any immediate contacts with counselors in Karachi, however, we suggest that your friend keep searching for a counselor who will insha'allah uphold Islamic values. Since you should be limiting your contact with him and then basically breaking up with him and moving on wit your life, your goal is just to encourage your friend to get help from Allah and the counselors. If your friend truly wants to change, with Allah's help insha'allah he will change. Leave that up to him. Go on with your own life insha'allah.
We know that since you loved this man for the last five years, it will be difficult for you to move on with your life. However, we suggest you make du'a to Allah to grant you a pious husband who is a blessing for your faith, family and future. And Allah knows best.
Name
Muhammad
-
Profession
Question
My life has shattered as my wife is not faithful. She always falls in love with other guys and for this she is almost confined to stay in the houses. I believe in Allah and I expected true love and sympathy from my wife.
We have a 2-yr kid as well. I was a very creative and promising soical scientist, (studied in Oxford) but for the last three yrs after I got married my intellectual life is alsomst ruined. My heart craves for another woman, though my wife is very beautiful.
I can't divorce my wife as I love my kid and I have symathy for her mother. I am very soft hearted man. I am becoming deepressed as well. How can I seek Allah's help to overcome such problems? Is it possible to back to my life again.
Answer
Thank you for this question. Do you realize what a grave charge you are leveling against your wife by saying that she is not faithful? What do you mean she "always falls in love with other guys?" What proof do you have that she loves other guys?
We understand your frustration but believe firmly that the problems you are facing with your wife have to do with communication and trust. You say she is not faithful, but you say your "heart craves for another woman though my wife is very beautiful."
What seems to have happened is that there was a breakdown in communication and trust. We suggest strongly that you and your wife seek out a marital therapist. Sit down with this professional and process your feelings. As both of you get the chance to express your emotions in the company of a trained professional, you will realize that there is no trust between you. Work on this now before it is too late.
Of course, you know well that you feel your life is shattered but what you do not know is that you have to strengthen your relationship with Allah if you ever want your marriage to be normal again. Take this issue seriously and appreciate your wife for who she is - a wife to you and a mother to your child. Insha'allah, over time, you will be able to restore trust in your marriage and be able to communicate more clearly with your wife. Insha'allah, you will be able to get back to your life again. Do not give up. Keep struggling and make this marriage work by the grace of Allah. And Allah knows best.
Name
Mahbub
-
Profession
Question
Assalamu Alikum..
What is the best way to find out Spouse? Is love is permissible before get married?
Answer
The best way to find a spouse is to involve your family and trusted relatives and friends in the search process. The goal is for you to be sufficiently known to your family and friends so that they can help locate a spouse who is most compatible with you. Of course, more and more, people are also turning to online matrimonial services.
It depends what you mean by whether love is permissible before one gets married. Love and mercy are qualities that Allah Most High has granted human beings. Just because you have never met a person in your life does not mean that you cannot fall in love with him or her after marriage. On the contrary, some people marry precisely because they claim they are in love and in reality the marriage does not last because the love is really lust sometimes.
We urge you to learn more about Islam and try to practice what you learn. As your relationship with Allah gets stronger, insha'allah you will be able to marry and fall in love with a pious woman. And Allah knows best.
Name
zaki
- Malaysia
Profession
student
Question
dear doctor, thank you very much for your advise regarding my previous quest.
There is someone who keep sending regards to me via my friend. I don`t who is she even her name and I am not curious to know about her. what should I do? Is someone who keep send regards to non-muhrim can be grouped as a good woman?
Answer
Thank you for writing back. What's wrong if someone sends you their regards via your friend! If you believe this someone is not just sending you her regards but that she is being forward and immodest, then tell her to stop it. The next time your friend relays regards from this other person, send back this message: Thank you for sending your regards but I would like you to stop doing so because I believe it is not Islamically right to do so. And Allah knows best.
Name
shaheera
- Pakistan
Profession
graduate student
Question
I am a pakistani girl now over 30, the reason behind not being married till now is the firm hand of my father over the issue, he wants me to marry my cousin there in Pakistan, whereas I am against the idea of marrying in Pakistan, and more marrying my cousin, I really do not know him . AAny advice..
Answer
Thank you for writing to us. Let's be clear about one thing: you have the right to choose your spouse. Your parents can suggest candidates, but ultimately, you have the right to choose who you marry. Allah Most High is merciful and you should deal with your parents with mercy. Talk to your father and articulate clearly what kind of husband you are looking for insha'allah.
Do not rush into a marriage but definitely do not delay your marriage either. Do your best to work with your parents and insha'allah you all will come to a mutually acceptable decision regarding your future spouse. Keep making du'a insha'allah and do not lose hope in Allah! And Allah knows best.
Name
s s a
-
Profession
engineer
Question
I am in love with a girl, her parents are from the middle east but she lives here in the UK since the last 8 years.
I am afraid of the cultural differences, I am a convert, and pure" Eupopean", is it possible to have a happy marriage although both partners come from totally different backgrounds and are loyal to two totally different worlds.
I really do not know, did I make myself clear enough. I would appreciate any help and advice.
Answer
Alhamdulillah, yes, it is possible to have a very happy marriage despite the different backgrounds. Islam is a universal religion and is not designated for any one region of the world, or a specific race, or a color, or an ethnicity. There are over 1.2 billion Muslims and among them are people who can be classified as White. There are indigenous Muslims in Europe and North America who are White. Of course, there are also Muslims from other races and ethnicities. Would you feel at home? Well, that depends on each individual you come across.
Second, try your best to learn from books and authoritative sources rather than from idle talk with individual Muslims despite their racial or ethnic backgrounds. These same authoritative sources also forbid pre-marital relationships between a man and a woman irrespective of their backgrounds. So, now that you know dating is wrong, we urge you to break up with this young woman, even it is painful for you. Even after you break up, if it possible for you to have no contact with her at all, that will be better. If you do not let go of her, it is possible that her parents will not let her marry you.
As a revert to Islam, sins you committed before you accepted Islam have been forgiven. Repent to Allah and seek His guidance in this matter. Make lots of du'a to Allah to bless you with a pious wife. And Allah knows best.
Name
james
- Argentina
Profession
Question
You Muslim scholars, you are very strange, you ask your youth to build healthy and happy families and say all relationships between both sex should stay within the family - frame, while at the same time making any "normal and logical" way to meet the other sex ( even in public) a taboo. How can a Muslim gay interested to marry and being ready for it find the most suitable woman, and what is his garantee that she will suit him, if it is just a parental choice.
I think you are very strange in dealing with the issue..
Answer
Thank you for your comment. There is such teaching in Islam that says that a man or a woman must marry the spouse which their parents choose for them. You are mistaken in your understanding of the Islamic outlook on marriage. Islam teaches us that when a man and a woman marry, in addition to their union, there is also the union of the two respective families. In order to build healthy families, a single man or woman is encouraged right from the start to involve his or her family in the process of making decisions that will affect all of their lives. Consulting with one's parents is a far cry from marrying the person of their choice. Those are two different matters.
We urge you to learn more about Islam. Try to separate Muslim culture from Islamic teachings as not everything that is part of culture is acceptable according to the religion. And the religion is clear in giving the young man or woman the final choice is selecting their spouse. Compatibility is of paramount concern and it is similarly important to seek the advice of one's parents. And Allah knows best.
Name
Tajudeen
- United Arab Emirates
Profession
Question
Assalamu Aleikum..
Dear Brother,
My question is wen u get married to a women.Who has more right on us, wife or Parents? I hav heared that if a wife wants to live saperatly we hav to just allow her to stay..
Wasalaam..
Answer
Thank you for writing to us. This session is almost finished, but we will respond briefly. You can submit your question to the Fatwa section at www.islamonline.net insha'allah for a more detailed answer.
Your wife has a greater right over your parents. She deserves to have her own private quarters unless she herself agrees to living with the husband's parents. Even then, it is highly recommended to give the wife her own space.
The husband's duty is to take care of all aspects of the wife's existence, including her right to privacy, safety, security, and even education. And Allah knows best.
Name
Tzawraw
- United States
Profession
Question
Alsalam alaykum..
I would like to marry a pious man in a few years, but I want to relocate to a muslim majority country,cause here in the USA I can't practice islam fully and I don't trust american men even muslims. What is the best way of going about finding someone in another country? I thought maybe studing islam or trying to get a job in that country. And going to the mosque so maybe the iman can be my wali. I'm a revert, so I have no help from my family for this task. What do you suggest? Wasalam..
Answer
Thank you for writing to us. Our first instinct is to tell you to remain in the US because you will face tremendous challenges trying to move to another country to get married. There are tremendous barriers to overcome when you marry a person from another country. It is not impossible, it is just not easy.
If you are serious about finding someone to marry in another country, then you have several options. You could enroll in institutes that teach Islamic studies and the Arabic language. Perhaps some of the elder scholars can help you with identifying pious young single men for marriage. There are also online matrimonial services although we prefer the in-person approach.
Make lots of du'a to Allah to help you find a spouse right here in the US. You know the US better than any other nation you will live in - so why give all that up?! Do not underestimate the power of the du'a and turn to Allah seeking His assistance and guidance as you search for your future husband! And Allah knows best.
Name
--
-
Profession
Question
Isn't there a hadith of the prophet encouraging a man who loved his friend for
the sake of ALLAH to tell his friend so?
If yes, can we gather from that that if a man loves a woman (or the opposite) then he should tell her that even if there's little hope for them to marry(provided they don't do anything haram)?
jazakum ALLAH khayran..
Answer
Logically, this is a sound argument however, Islamic teachings do not allow the sharing of such conversations and sentiments between a non-mahrem woman and man. Even if the person meant to be sincere in saying that he loves such and such a woman, shaitan will intervene to put doubts in the hearts and minds of both people involved. Therefore, the hadith of the Prophet is to be used only in the context of a man saying that he loves another man for the sake of Allah and similarly a woman can say that she loves another woman for the sake of Allah. And Allah knows best.
Name
AR
- Netherlands
Profession
graduate student
Question
Assalamualaikum, I'm about to be 23 inshaallah this year & after serious contemplations I'd like to marry soon inshaallah. There's already a devout,practicing brother who's interested, but my parents are against him due to the fact that he's not from the same cultural background & because of his past prior to converting to Islam. I don't know how to inform my parents of my true intentions in marrying, they always think I'm too young & should wait. I also want them to know that I'm really serious about marrying this brother, as I feel that inshaallah he can bring me closer to Allah SWT, but again I'm clueless as to how to communicate this with my parents. What should I do?
Answer
The time for this session has run out. However, we urge you to submit this question to the Cyber Counselor section insha'allah for a response. In the meantime, you can also search the Cyber Counselor section using topics such as "Parents against my choice of spouse" and "Inter-cultural marriages." The database consists of hundreds of questions and responses and some of them are sure to be similar in nature to your concern. And Allah knows best.
