Islam online would like to apologize to those who did not have their questions answered because of a lack of time. As result of the large interest generated by this live dialogue, Dr. Badri has agreed to hold sessions on a weekly basis; perhaps you can resubmit your questions in the upcoming session next week which will probably be scheduled for the same time this Wednsday. See live dialogue box in the upcoming week for details. Or perhaps you can submit your questions to our cyber counsler service.
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Name
Host1.
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Profession
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For those who submitted questions in Dr. Badri last session, will be getting your answers soon. Some have been already been posted. Please check recent sessions link to go Dr. Badri's session; you will find the answers there.
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Name
SAHAR
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Profession
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salam elek
I am in a desperate situation. about 10 years ago I fell in love with a man and he also fell in love with me, everything was fine until he prposed to me since he knew that i love him and will not refuse his proposal, but i rejected because i realized he is not a suitable husband, from then on I started to feel guilty and I decided to punish myself, i had severe headaches and depression and couldnt study, recently I got married, and my husband is a close friend of him,. I still suffer from sensation of guilt and still couldnt concentrate, I have developed obssessive thoughts over thsi matter, so that whatever I want to do, i have all these thoughts in my mind and i am constantly dealing with the thought that I have done a sin and that i have hurted someone. i have made tobeh a lot of times but still i feel guilty and unhappy and cant study. i also think that maybe it was a mmistake and sin also that i marreied to someone who he know and were friends and this also disturbs me. I am afraifd of curing myself because i feel that if God is punishing me, so why should I get cured, on the other hand if i dont get cured i cant live and work normally /I have a sensitive job which requires atention and I need to concentrate but i cant/ so as you see I am all mixed up and its effecting my life. please help me and tell what to do. should I stop these obsessive thoughts or if I do so am I working against God`s punishment.
thank you for your help, I meed it very much
salam elek
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Dear Sister Sahar:
After hearing your problem, I have a strong feeling that you are thinking about your situation without carefully considering the role of Allah Destiny(Qadar) in your life. This belief in Qadar is one of the corner stones of Iman. In the famous Hadith narrated by Umar ibn Al-khatab(ra) the Prophet(pbuh)affirmed that belief in Qadar whether it is good or painful for you is one of the pillars of Iman. The Prophet in this famous hadith was answering a question to the angel Gibrial who all the Prophets had seen when he came in the form of a human being. There are also a number of Ahadith and even verses in the Quran that support this belief.
The fact that you refused to marry this man is something that has been already destined before you were born and even before you came to this earth. This understanding is quite important in relieving the Mo'min(believer) from unnecessary guilt about things they have no control over. The other point I want to mention is that you have rigid conception of Allah as a being who is angshes to punish his servents(ibad) for things that they either have control over or don't have control over. You forget the most frequently mentioned attributes of Allah as the Merciful, the Loving, and the Forgiving. The third point which I gather from your question is that you have a generalized pessimism about yourself and your environment to the extent that you have developed an un-Islamic Catholic approach about a wish to be punished.
If you look at the whole situation optimistically and have good-opinion of Allah and His Qadar, then you would have seen a lot of good in being saved from a marriage that might have started with excessive love that would soon disappear with the ongoing years of marriage. With optimism you will also look at the good attributes of your current husband and you will be able to thank Allah and unburden your self from the heavy load you voluntarily placed on yourself. With this new optimistic spirit you don't need to avoid seeing your former beloved and have a good relationship with his family if he already has one.
According to what I have said, Sis Sahar, you have not committed a sin by refusing to marry your former beloved. This excessive feeling of guilt you are experiencing may also be a form of concealed depression. If after you change your attitude of yourself and your environment, you continue to suffer from this uncalled for guilt then maybe you may need to see a muslim psychiatrist or counselor to help you overcome this disorder.
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Yousef
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What should a person do if he wants to marry early that is at 20 as he can't keep his "nafs" quite for long? The parents are not ready to do this.
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Dear son:
Your problem is actually one that most young men and women suffer from. We as a Muslim nation have brought this problem you mentioned on our very selves by accepting Western conception concerning the development of human beings. Western society has gone from one extreme to another with respect to the conception of what a child is. In the past centuries, the child since early childhood was looked at as a miniature adult. He dressed like an adult and was obliged to work in industries like adult workers. Then when they realized their mistake, they went to the other extreme in considering a young adults as children up to the age of 18 and some times even until the age of 21. The whole educational, economic, social, and judicial system are based on this new conception. So a typical Westerner does not get married and bear the responsibility of family at the age of twenty. He would be a student in the high school or university and he would need years to graduate and become economically independent. For this system to function, Western society has to allow teenagers and young adults to freely engage in sexual relations.
We as Muslims foolishly adopted their system, but continued to attempt to uphold Islamic ethical rules concerning the relationship between sexes. In Islam a person is considered an adult as soon as he/she passes the stage of puberty. Our Islamic history tells us that young men at the age of 14 and 15 were already married and that young men like illustrious companion of the Prophet(pbuh) Osama bin Zaid was appointed as the general of the muslim army in which some of the dignitaries of the companions were mere soldiers. At that time, he was less then 18 lunar years old, so he was less then 17 years old by the standards of the solar calendar.
My dear son, I do appreciate your problem, but we cannot do much if your parents continue to adhere to their current position which is based on conceptions from western modernity. I personally believe that it would not be a big issue if we allow our children to get married and we can ask them to postpone having children until they have there own residence.
My dear son, if you feel that sexual urges are causing you much distress, then you must realize by resisting these sexual urges to please your parents in not getting married you are getting a lot of reward from Allah and you must derive satisfaction from this. Secondly, you can follow the prescription of the Prophet (pbuh) for those who are undergoing the same problem as you and that is to perform fasting (Siyam). The act of fasting will curb your sexual urges. Also, try to avoid seeing films and videos that exacerbate your sexual urges. Finally, you must engage in worship and contemplation in addition to engaging in physical exercise and hobbies.
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Judith
- Canada
Profession
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Alhamdulilah, I have reverted to Islam and will be marrying a man from the middle east. I have always been very easy-going and trusting, but find that I have become suspicious and jealous about my husband to be. There is no reason for my behaviour but I am so afraid that he will change his mind or leave me. He always tries to reassure me that he loves me and that we will get married, but I can't seem to stop worrying. I don't understand why I've become this way.
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Dear Daughter:
I must first congratulate you on accepting Islam. By following the teachings of this true religion you will know that everything that happens in this world from the movement of a tiny electron to the shifting of huge galaxies in the heavens and from the external behavior of humans to the deepest unconscious thoughts in their psyche are fully determined and commanded by Allah(swt). Accordingly, you should begin to feel that your worries about your soon to be husband leaving you are probably a symptom of your unsound anxiety. Any marriage whether Islamic or otherwise is contract between a man and women and the possibility of breech is not totally unexpected. Also people who are about to get married do not know whether they or their spouses may suddenly have an accident and die or that they may become physically sick or mentally disordered. Worrying can only increase ones anxiety until it may become chronic and incapacitating. Be optimistic, have trust in Allah and try to change your negative thoughts. Whenever you have an internal dialogue with yourself and get negative thoughts about your future spouse leaving you, evoke within yourself counter-positive thoughts of an optimistic and spiritual nature.
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Ahmad
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How can one cleans one intention and stay away from a dirty eye, meaning looking at other peopls faults. I do this uncrotrollably.
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Islam online would like to apologize to those who did not have their questions answered because of a lack of time. As result of the large interest generated by this live dialogue, Dr. Badri has agreed to hold sessions on a weekly basis; perhaps you can resubmit your questions in the upcoming session next week which will probably be scheduled for the same time this Wednsday. See live dialogue box in the upcoming week for details. Or perhaps you can submit your questions to our cyber counsler service.
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sahar
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thank you so very much for your answer. may God bless you.
I forgot to write that after i refused marriage, I started to act very badly with him so that in this way I will help him forget me,
and when I married my husband which is his close friend Ihe was still in love with me. and this made me sad, because I thought that I am hurting him and even now whenever we meet him I feel he is cursing me.
are my emotions justifiable? do you sugest that I go and talk with him and ask for forgiveness?
your previous comments have already helped me a lot. thank you very much may God be with you
Answer
Islam online would like to apologize to those who did not have their questions answered because of a lack of time. As result of the large interest generated by this live dialogue, Dr. Badri has agreed to hold sessions on a weekly basis; perhaps you can resubmit your questions in the upcoming session next week which will probably be scheduled for the same time this Wednsday. See live dialogue box in the upcoming week for details. Or perhaps you can submit your questions to our cyber counsler service.
Name
shayma
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Alsalamu Alaykum,
I am having great difficulty coping with what has been happening ever since sept. 11. There have been hate crimes against Muslims in the US & abroad, misrepresentation of Muslims in the media, killing of innocent Afghanis, imprisonments of innocent people by the govt., "voluntary" questioning, closing of Muslim organizations, raids, the reinflamation of events in Palestine after a year & a half of the 2nd intifada, and other issues the Ummah is facing. Than, there are the responses of the scholars that have made our mouths drop open and given us grey hair. This is all in addition to our personal everyday problems and our family lives and the relatives we have to worry about back home (iraq). All this and I am a college student. I don't know how to cope between all these things. I can't even talk about it because people who understand where your'e coming from already feel as frustrated. Others nod but don't feel the same way. My grades have dropped somewhat & I am having difficulty focusing, thinking, and remembering things. My health is also effected.
I don't know if you can advise. Jazakum Allah khair.
Answer
Islam online would like to apologize to those who did not have their questions answered because of a lack of time. As result of the large interest generated by this live dialogue, Dr. Badri has agreed to hold sessions on a weekly basis; perhaps you can resubmit your questions in the upcoming session next week which will probably be scheduled for the same time this Wednsday. See live dialogue box in the upcoming week for details. Or perhaps you can submit your questions to our cyber counsler service.
Name
Salman
- United Kingdom
Profession
Student
Question
Assalamualaikum,
There is a girl at my university who I like and we both would like to get married. We have got to know each other quite well through various activities going on in the university that we have been involved in and we have found that we are really well suited to each other and are actually now in love. We have spoken about the matter and it is worrying us a lot. The trouble is that her parents say they would only like her to marry after she has finished her studies, which is 2 years away for her and a year away for me Insha’allah ta’allah.
How can we get to know each other better in the meantime in a halal way as we would both like to see each other in a public place. We have met but we find we just want to touch and hug each other etc so are trying to avoid it. But obviously she is worried that her reputation will get damaged if we are seen anywhere together and that once this happens to a girl, it his harder to repair than it is for a man. I am just worried that if I don’t keep in touch with her, somebody else may start to like her or even propose to her family for her hand in marriage. I know that I should rely on Allah (SWT) and I do keep praying to Him, but it is very difficult!
Can you please advise what is allowed? Can I go for a walk with her in a public place, such as a park? I am aware that if we meet alone then the third person is Shaytaan. Can we speak on the phone and email, etc?
Jazakallah khairan in advance for your reply.
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The Editor--
Dear Br. Salman
Please submit your question in our live Fatwa sessions because the nature of your question is more fiqhi then seeking counseling.
