Please join us for our next Islamic counseling session with Dr. Malik Badri Friday May 3 at 13:30 GMT. In sha Allah.
Answer
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Name
Lisa
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Profession
Question
I just heard of this site from a muslim sister. Im going through a lot of pain at this time of my life and I thought that maybe you can help me. I met my boyfirnd about 2 and half years ago. I wasnt muslim at the time. He was a senior and I was a freshmen. He helped open my heart to Islam, and we both converted. He converted before me and then went to the marines. I converted 6 months later. I thank Allah for send him to me. But life isn't going as i planned. He left the marines and things started to change. I love him deeply and so does he. He moved to florida and since we havent seen eachother in about 4 months he met another girl (not muslim) and has feelings for her. I'm crushed. He says that he's going to drive out to new york where im at to see me a agian and to see how it is when he's around me. if he feels that he thinks things could work out 4 us then he'll be with me and leave her. But its been to long me waiting for him to come to NY, he is waiting for people to come with him. I luv him so much. Im so sorry im writing so much but i just need to let my feelings out. I dont have many muslim friends and i live with a family who does alot of haram things. I think i should just wait for him to come and we talk. Plus he goes out clubing and starting to drink alcohol. He says that he needs me in his life to change with. He says he loves me and he cant get over me. He just needs to see me again. What should I do. I would appreciate it if you could respond. I never been so hurt in my life. thank you
Answer
Dear Sis Lisa:
When a person converts to Islam, he/she would definitely go through a lot of challenges and problems. Some of these would be so painful that the person would feel like that he or she is holding a burning piece of coal in his/her hand. This analogy of the burning coal is not mine. This is what our Prophet(pbuh) said about people who practice their Islam at the end of time. There are many indications from the saying of the Prophet(pbuh) and from the Quran that prove to us that we are indeed living at the end of time. So, my daughter Lisa, your conversion in this anti Islamic environment is a very blessed thing. You should be congratulated and given good tidings about Allah's Pleasure with you. Please do not bend or weaken in the face of these problems and challenges. The Quran tells us that we may love something very much, but it is eventually going to be bad for us. And we may dislike something very much and it will eventually be good for us. I believe that you are in love with a man who is probably not the right man for you and may not deserve the feelings that you have for him. For a young man to promise a lady that he wants to marry her and then go with another woman and indulge in drinking alcohol is clear evidence that he is immature and the foundations of his faith are not deeply rooted yet. I feel sure if you got married, he may deteriorate into excessive drinking or be infatuated with other women.
You are still young my dear daughter and falling in love creates a feeling in the lover that everything in their life is determined by this relationship. This kind of love is the one that one loses soon after marriage.
I advise you to see him, but not with this emotional "crush". He is a man who first led you to Islam. Whether he is going to be your husband or not, it is your duty to help him as a muslim brother. So I advise to behave a mature manner and to see him as a person who needs your help.
I also advise you to find some good Muslim friends who can support you and give you spiritual guidance in handling this challenge. May be Allah will send you a more Islamically committed young man with whom you can build a truly Muslim family.
Name
Arif
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Profession
Question
Assalam wa alekum
My wife misbehaves with my mother and ill treats her. She is nice with me sometimes and sometimes not. She has a very deep rooted psychological problem and if she does not like someone it is hard to make her like that person. She at times prevents me from taking care of mother. My mother is old and father has died. My other two brothers take care of my mother and they live in different house. My wife's father and I have talked to my wife several times to change her ways, but she won't and she can not. She would cry and be depressed the whole time if she is forced to do something. Please advice.
Answer
Dear Br Arif:
wa alikum aslam
I do not think you need me to reiterate the Islamic injunction of kindness towards parents in general and mothers in particular. The Quran has instructed us that when our parents become old that we should not frown on them or sigh towards them. You say that your wife cannot change her heart if she dislikes somebody. You should not ask her to change what's in her heart, but you should ask her to change her external behavior. Since your mother is not living with her, she should at least tolerate her and behave nicely during the brief period in which your mother visits you or when you go to visit her.
If you feel that your wife is probably suffering from depression or some other neurotic disorder then try to convince her to seek therapy. But you should not allow her to use her emotional condition as an excuse to ill treat your mother.
Name
zee
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Profession
retail
Question
I have bipolar disorder and I was wondering is it ok to take part in a study medication. Also what medication do you recomend that has the lest sideeffects?
Answer
Dear sis/br Zee"
Bipolar disorder, which was previously known as manic depressive disorder, is a disorder of mood. Taking lithium can help many patients, but this would require a regular test of its concentration in the blood. Patients who take lithium would generally require a much briefer period of drug therapy if they develop the symptoms of the disorder. You should know that there are no medicines with out any side effects and people differ a lot with respect to their response to different kinds of drugs. Though the field of psychiatry has lately progressed much, still much of its therapeutic endeavors depend on a process of trial and error with individual patients.
I advice you to cooperate with your psychiatrist in finding the most suitable drugs for your case.
Name
Abu Yusuf
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Profession
Question
What can I do to cure myself?
I love men .I do not love women. I am not married .I am 38 years old.My sexual thoughts are only about men. I have never made sexual relations, but I am very tired because of these bad thinking. What can I do ?Please do help me. I have no money to marry. I graduated from an Islamic university. It is a very big fitnah for me.
I am (maftoon).
Jazakumullahu khaira,
Abu Yusuf(from an Arabic country),resident of Benin.
Answer
Dear Br. Abu Yusuf:
Your problem is not an uncommon one and it can be helped if you find the suitable behavior therapy in your country. In the sixties and early seventies behavior therapists have developed a very successful therapy for homosexual feelings and practices, they generally use pictures or make the person imagine scenes of a homosexual nature and the person is given a painful electric shock or some other aversive punishment while he is deeply involved in his homosexual fantasy. After this, he shown pictures or films of women and he is asked to fantasize and is encouraged to develop positive sexual tendencies towards them. Some therapist would even give some sex hormones or other chemicals to enhance his feelings towards attractive women. When such therapeutic sessions are repeated over a period of a month or two together with cognitive therapy that devaluate homosexuality and encourages heterosexuality the person gradually finds himself attracted to the opposite sex. I advise you to find such a therapists and to look for an attractive young lady who can help to shift your homosexual thoughts.
Since you have not any sexual intercourse before, a relationship with a young lady after marriage will most likely give you a taste towards heterosexual sex that would change your orientation.
Name
Huda
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Profession
Question
As-salamu alaikum. A friends husband committed suicide after she had left him (he was violent towards her and their children). He had some kind of psychological illness and was depressed.
Now his family is blaming her for his death and she also feels guilty. What can she do to ease her mind from the feelings of guilt. Jazakum Allah khairan.
Answer
My dear daughter Huda:
Please tell your friend that her husband had been suffering from a serious psychotic disorder. I suspect that he used to be a suspicious person obsessed with delusions that at times accompany psychotic behavior. Divorcing him was definitely a wise decision at that time. If he continued to live with her and the children he would have caused the little ones much psychological harm. The fact that he committed suicide is only evidence that her decision was correct. The feeling of his parents, though natural, is a selfish response. They are only thinking about their son and not compassionately looking at the welfare of the wife and family as whole. Your friend and the parents of the deceased should have a deeper belief in Qadar(predestination). The suicide of the man was not caused by anybody let alone the abused wife. He could have committed suicide after killing the wife or causing more damage to the children. Therefore she should not have feelings of guilt over something she had no control over. If she continues to say to herself that had I not left him he would not have died, she will open up herself to the whispers (Wasawis) of Shaytan and this may lead her eventually to become depressed herself. She should consider what had happened could not have been avoided and she should look optimistically to her relationship with Allah and to the possibility of remarrying and having a happy life.
Name
shahzeb
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Profession
student
Question
what islam tells about psycology?
Answer
Dear Br. Shahzeb:
This is a wide topic that cannot be answered adequately by this forum. Perhaps you can obtain my book on the subject that addresses your issue. The book is called: Contemplation- An Islamic Psychospiritual Study published by the International Institute of Islamic Thought. If you read and have any further questions you may ask in future sessions.
Name
Kima
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Profession
Computers
Question
Asalamo Alaikum,
I'm trouble about what's going on in the Middle East and don't understand how the "so called" Islamic Countries are not doing anything to help the Palestinians.
It seems to me that even though they are islamic they don't follow the islamic rules to help others in need as it is the case of Palestine.
Why is it that they seem to be more interested in materialistic things rather than spiritual, Why didn't they agree with IRAN to stop selling oil to countries that are supporting Israel. Why are muslims fighting each other instead of helping each other?? I strongly feel that all MUSLIM countries should UNITE and show the world that they will not TOLERATE any judgement against them...
Answer
The editor--
Dear Kima:
wa alikum aslam
Although we sympathize with your plight, your question is a medley of political, emotional and religious issues that cannot be appropriately addressed in these forums. Perhaps what may be of more help for you is to submit your question to our Ask the Scholar service or Cyber counseling service found on our homepage whereby they can seek the answer to your complex questions in a more thorough manner then can be done in this type of forum.
Name
khalid
- United States
Profession
Question
Is it permissible for a husband to lead the prayers in his house with his wife and daughter standing behind.
And who should call the 'iqama'.
Answer
The editor--
This forum was for counseling not for Fiqh questions. We suggest you submit your question to our live Fatwa sessions in the upcoming week.
Name
Muslimah
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Profession
Question
Unanswered question of session of 22 march
Answer
The editor--
Dear Sis. Muslimah:
Unfortunately, because Dr. Badri has some urgent current commitments he was not able to answer all of the unanswered questions from that session. He has given us assurances that he will do in the near future and we will then send it to the email address you have provided. Another option is that you can re-submit the actual question early in next Friday’s session with Dr. Badri whereby we hope he can tackle your issue immediately. Another option is to submit your question to our cyber counseling service and wait for their response. We do apologize for any inconvenience we may have caused you.
Name
Sahar
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Profession
Question
Salam elek
I would be very grateful if you could answer me.
If you remember I contacted you last time too, and your answer helped me a lot. I thought if I write my problem it in more detail it will be a big help for me. I am very sorry that it is long.
About 10 years a go I fell in love with a boy and he also was very much in love with me, we used to go out a lot and we enjoyed each others company, it was as if I was blind for that period and I didn’t think about its consequences, I was happy about being in love because he was also in love with me too and this was this was like a success story for me, maybe my past was also influential because I thought that no one will fall in love with me….. anyway, after 2 months I began to come out of dreams and realize the mistake, since I had already decided that I won`t marry him, he was not the type for marriage for me and that I was not ready either(not that he was a bad person, but not good for me), and waited till he proposed to me (I had felt that he would do that soon, although he didn’t know that I had suspected) and of coarse I rejected and he was shocked and angry and told me it was all my fault, because if I hadnt said ok to him he would have never come towards me(I think he was right). From that time on all my guilty feelings begin to start. I felt that I was responsible for all the happenings, that I have made a big sin by not refusing his love and by going out with a boy, and that I had made a sin because when I suspected that he loves me, I should have said no to him instead of me saying yes. And I starting punishing myself, or I dont know maybe God was punishing me, I became depressed and couldn’t concentrate and study, I had very bad headaches and anxiety and I felt I had done bad to him. I also stopped talking with him, and I decided to act in such a way to make him forget me, (because he was still in love with me) and I started to be very cruel to him and all the time avoiding him.
After 10 years I still could not solve my problems, I still feel sinful and I feel that I have hurt someones feelings and that I have hurt somebody in an emotional way, which will influence his future and if he makes sins because of this emotional hurt it is my fault nd its because of my carelessness.. My mind can not just let go, I feel responsible for damaging someones emotional feeling. I feel that since he was very much in love with me because I also showed to him that I am in love with him both consiously and unconsiously, my sudden rejection and cut of relationship on my side, I have damaged him.
Now I am married to a good man that happens to be his friend, and whenever we meet, I feel that I make him unhappy, and I also feel that he even maybe he has cursed me and that since I have made someone unhappy, God will punish me in the next world (that’s why I was punishing myself to make my sins less for the next world) and life will take revenge and make me unhappy too. I also sometimes hear some comments from him e.g like he hates to marry or similar things(he says it out loud to make me hear). He is not married yet and he has girlfriends. (sometimes I even think that it if he makes an unsuccessful marriage it will be my fault and that now that he is having girlfriends and making sins it is my fault).
After your last comments I do feel much better, but I wanted to write in detail, because I really don’t know that are my feelings justifiable? Have I done a big sin? Have I made a sin by marrying his friend? I know that for sins, you have to do towbeh and also if you have hurted someone in any means, you have to make it up and ask for forgiveness In my case how is this possible? How can I make it up for him? Do I have to ask for forgiveness? How can I purify myself and stop thinking about all this?
May God bless you and I hope God will give you lots of rewards. Thank you very much for your time.
Answer
The editor--
Dear sister Sahar:
Your question was addressed by Dr. Badri in our last session with him. Unfortunately, due to time restrictions and the volume of other issues that urgently needed to be addressed, we could not get to your restated question. If you need more counseling beyond the advice that Dr. Badri gave you last time, we suggest that you submit it to our Cyber Counseling service whereby they may give you added direction to your concerns. May Allah be with you.
Name
Abdulla
- United States
Profession
AbdulRahman
Question
Assalamu Alikum Wr. WB.
What is the psylogical effect on the Muslims after the Sep. crisis as well as the Palestine Crisis? and how can be treat it?
Answer
The editor--
Dear Br. Abdullah:
Your question is too broad to be addressed in this forum. Perhaps you can submit your question to our cyber counseling service and wait for their response or re-phrase your question to deal with a specific problem that you or your friends are having due to those tragic events.
