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Name
Hassen
- United Kingdom
Profession
IT Technician
Question
Assalamu aleikum !
I am planning to get married soon in about 3 months insha'Allah, this means we will form a family eventually. As a new couple, what would be your best advice to us in terms of socio-activities and cultural marriage in general?
Jazakum Allahu kulu khair
Assalamu aleikum
Answer
Dear Hassen,
Congratulations on your engagement. May Allah make your marriage and family filled with tranquility, love, and mercy. Remember that the purpose of marriage is to help you and your wife fulfill your covenant with Allah and to get both of you to heaven. You will want to work together to ensure your married life is filled with tranquility, love, and mercy.
In every marriage communication, understanding and respect for each other is the key. In cross cultural marriages these characteristics are essential. It is important that you respect each other’s cultural traditions and not expect your spouse to take on a culture different from her own. Of course she must remember the same for you. Making a balance understanding of Islam your tradition will provide a common connection and tradition for both of you.
In marriage it is important to spend quality time with one another. Recreational and social activities can be very beneficial. The Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) used to race his wife `Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her). He used to take her to watch Abyssinian entertainers. He (pbuh) told the companions that there is time for this and time for that, meaning that we should give some time to worship and some time to recreate and socialize with our families.
Social activities need not be expensive but should be thoughtful and regular. Activities like praying together, talking about your interests and your perspective about your faith after prayer or during dinner may be enjoyable and help you continue getting to know each other.
You may also spend time walking in a park, going out to dinner occasionally or enjoying a special dinner at home. Visiting friends and family are also valued social activities. Much of what you and your wife do will depend on your unique interests. Take time to get to know each other and enjoy each other’s company.
Name
Umm Mansur
- Comoros
Profession
Nurse
Question
I was recently divorced and have 2 children under the age of seven. My ex-husband and I came from different countries and the issue of taking the children back to his home country has risen. I come from Comoros but live in England; he comes from Guinea, West Africa. He has already moved and I believe that a mother's influence is equally important.
What would you advise us on this issue? I don't think I can have my children live there as I would not have access.
Please advise.
Answer
Umm Mansur,
May Allah bless you and your husband to do what is in the best interest of your children. Now that you and your spouse have divorced you must find a way to parent your children in a healthy manner. Children benefit from having both parents raise them in a kind and nurturing environment. Even though you are not together you still have a responsibility to the children to raise them in love and kindness. Also young children benefit from the nurturing of their mother and the support of their father.
If you do not fear violence or abuse on the part of your ex-husband against you or your children and he does not fear this from you, I advise you both to try to find a way to live in close proximity to one another so that the children can have access and see both of you regularly. This enables both of you to attend their school events and assist them as they grow and develop in their religious life and extracurricular activities.
If you have no choice but to live in different countries I advise you to determine regular visitation times. Perhaps the children will live with you during the school year and visit their father during some of the holidays. In any case air travel and video conferencing make it so much easier to stay in touch. You both have to give the children access to each other and speak kindly of each other so that the children do not blame themselves for your divorce and grow up with a healthy mental outlook about marriage and family.
It is important that you both engage in divorce counseling so that you resolve the issues that tore your marriage apart and give you skills to learn to work together to raise your children. It is also important that you sit with a professional to craft a plan for parenting your children that would allow you to be, both, in their lives regularly and to help them grow and develop as balanced and healthy Muslim children.
Islam teaches us that if we are going to separate we should separate in kindness. This kindness should enable us to work together for the benefit of the health and well-being of our children.
Name
Nina
- United States
Profession
Question
Salams Dr. Aneesah,
My question is: How to succeed in an interracial marriage?
Thanks
Answer
Dear Nina,
Success in any marriage, even when both spouses are from the same culture or race, is not easy. Marriage takes work. It takes a lot of compromise and willingness to give on issues that you may not see eye to eye on.
It is important to realize that Allah created us in different nations and tribes and from different backgrounds so that we could get to know one another. It is important to recognize that we were each raised with certain traditions and experiences that make us who we are. That is not something either spouse should expect to change but rather to accept and embrace.
So firstly, you will want to accept each other for who you are.
Secondly, you want to respect each other as the slaves of Allah who have taken a covenant to serve Him and Him alone.
Next, you want to get to know and celebrate the good and beauty of each other’s culture or race. You must learn to communicate with one another and respect each other.
You will want to base your life together on a balanced and healthy Islamic lifestyle. This is what you have in common and if you learn the beauty and essence of Islam together this is what can bring you together and solidify your marriage.
Name
touhid
- Bangladesh
Profession
lecturer in physics
Question
The existence of jinn is recognized by the holly Qur'an. But in my country, especially in the rural areas, if someone behaves something abnormal, people say jinn has possessed to him or her. So, is there any authentic proof that jinn can harm physically to human beings?
Answer
Editor:
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What is the best way to approach parents to convince them in agreeing to an intercultural marriage? My parents as well as the parents of the man I love are very strict in this regards. Both of us are from different nationalities and worse, from rival countries. We love each other very much. Please advise.
Also, it would be helpful if you could caution of the hardships that could arise in intercultural marriages.
Thank you
Answer
Dear Sister,
The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) reminded us that people marry for four reasons; beauty, wealth, status and piety. Piety or strong faith is considered to be the best reason to marry.
Our parents tend to know us better than we know ourselves and can help us sort out who will be best suited for us in terms of our temperament, social situation, religious practice, etc.
It sounds like your parents disapproval runs deep and is likely out of fear and distrust for people from his nationality. This also seems to be the case for his parents. This makes me wonder how you met and how you came to love each other since you are both from rival countries and you likely knew your parents would not approve.
How can you convince your parents to agree? I think it is going to be important to understand why they are concerned about you marrying each other. If it is out of fear for your safety, it is important to acknowledge this and discuss it. If it is out of vengeance and both families are good practicing Muslims, then it will be important to have someone they respect remind them of our Islamic teachings, the teachings of Allah and His Messenger (pbuh) that cultural or nationality are not reasons to prevent marriage and that we should come together as brothers and sisters in faith.
However if trying to convince them will not work and they are determined not to agree to your marriage I would not advise you to marry. Marriage is hard enough without the support of your parents and family. Every new couple needs their parents and their family.
I would suggest that you spend time cultivating your relationship with Allah and praying to Him for guidance and for your parents to soften their hearts. You will also want to pray for your nations to resolve their differences and recognize that they are brothers in faith and humanity.
If your parents can not and will not agree I will encourage you to ask Allah to bless you with someone you will love as much or more and someone who your parents will love too.
Marriage is difficult in the best of situations. You do not want to bring the undue stress of family and national discord to your new marriage.
Name
Abdul
-
Profession
Professional
Question
Salam Dr. Aneesah,
I am a Muslim man of Arab-Malay descent and I live in South-East Asia. I hope someday I would marry an Arab woman. Are there any cultural barriers? How to approach an Arab woman and her family?
Answer
Dear Abdul,
Honestly I don’t know enough about the specifics of Arab culture to tell you how to approach an Arab woman and her family. I would say based on what little I know that respect is very important and that generally it is better to approach her father or brother especially if she has never been married before.
Before you approach you have to decide just what characteristics you want in a spouse. It seems you may have already identified someone you are interested in. Still have a clear sense of the character you would like your wife to possess is very important. Beyond her Arab culture it is essential to know if she and her family appreciate and value cultural diversity or not. Are they strict in marriage only to someone of their culture or are they open to someone of a mixed Arab-Malay background.
There often cultural barriers when you bring people of two different cultures together. These barriers don’t have to be insurmountable as long as the two of you value each other’s cultures and respect your right to your own culture. Basic things like food and dress are differences but they can also be the spice of life if you enjoy and respect each other. Your experiences growing up in different cultures, the messages you have received about your culture and other cultures will make determine how you relate to each other and build a healthy, balanced marriage of love, mercy and tranquility.
If you are grounded in Islam and are practicing your faith and have established a good connection with and understanding of Allah and His messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) and so has she and her parents, this will help you to build a successful marriage. Since you are of slightly different cultures building your life together on Islam and the balance and healthy traditions of Islam will be essential.
Name
Sally
- Egypt
Profession
Question
Salams Dr. Aneesah,
I am from Egypt and my husband is from India. He is Egyptian but he was born and raised in India. As I and my husband were raised in different countries with two different cultures, I am afraid of having problems with raising our kids. I read that the intercultural marriage leads to third culture kids who have many problems with their parents. Is this true?
Please advise!
Answer
Dear Sally,
When two people from different cultures marry it is inevitable that they will each bring their cultural nuances to the marriage. If each culture is valued and appreciated this can be the spice of life and bring some interesting aspects to the marriage to enhance.
Since you were both raised in difference cultures there may be some challenges but it is good you are considering them before you have children.
This is the time for both of you to communicate your desires about how to raise the children. What good things of each culture do you want to teach your children and help them to learn? Remember they will be a mixture of their parents and their parents' experiences and lessons. Embrace these aspects of your cultural uniquenesses.
It seems successful parenting occurs when both parents demonstrate respect and appreciation for the good of each other’s culture and decide on the cultural mix they want to convey to their children. Moreover, it is important as Muslims to base your marriage on the balanced, healthy teachings of Islam. Make your third culture the balanced traditions of Islam and your family will grow to share these things in common.
Name
Saeed Al-Ansary
-
Profession
Question
Salamu aliekum,
I want to thank you for the wonderful job, jazakum Allahu khairan. My question is, with all the love I displayed to my wife, she always talks about her experience in the Rwanda war and how she's missed home.
She wanted me to send part of our money to help those at war. I am tired of hearing insinuations about war. Don't you think she's taking it too far?
I'm from North Africa while she is from Rwanda but we all leave in a Western country.
Answer
Wa`alaikum assalam dear Saeed,
The experience of war can be very traumatic. Women tend to miss home and family even more than most men. To add the trauma of war to missing family can be difficult to overcome.
I also understand that hearing about her challenges and concerns can begin to wear on you but it sounds like she really needs to talk about it. Perhaps a support group of Rwandans may help her. It would give her a group to discuss the war with and to perhaps work together on some projects to benefit the survivors of the war.
You should feel honored that she wants to share her life and concerns with you. Ask Allah to help you to be more patient and understanding and together identify times to have these conversations.
If you love her as you say, you will want to help her work through this. Sticking with your wife through this and helping her to overcome this is an important aspect of a marital growth. Perhaps speaking with a professional counselor with a balanced spiritual background in Islam may help her with her individual trauma, grief and loss. Speaking with a professional may also help you to understand what she is experiencing and both of you to learn how to communicate better with one another and build your relationship and appreciation for each other, each others' experiences and each other’s pain and suffering.
I suggest you look for a Marriage and Family therapist in your area who is sensitive to Islam, sensitive to and appreciative of various cultures, and understanding of the trauma that the survivors of war trauma and their spouses experience.
Wasalam
Name
Sami
-
Profession
Question
Assalamu alaikum Dr. Aneesah,
I am not really sure if this is the right forum for my question. As a background, I am married with masha'Allah 3 children, for almost 10 years now. I had a great relationship with my wife but for it has become bad now. We have become over-cautious about our families (parents and siblings) and can't tolerate each other on this topic.
We are almost at the verge of leaving each other because of this. Sometimes I feel as if there is some sort of an evil spell that has been put on us. We get extremely angry at each other and in this anger are capable of being the worst enemies of each other. Otherwise we are the best of friends and love each other a lot. We know that we can't live without each other but when this family topic comes up, we get out of control.
Your advice will be appreciated.
Answer
Wa `alaikum assalam dear Sami,
Shaytan (devil) is at work and busy doing his best to break up your marriage and your family. He warned us that one of the ways he would accomplish his goals of so many in the hellfire is to interfere and wreck family life. You and your wife are giving him all the help he needs.
Your children need you and your wife. They need both of you to raise them as good, healthy, balanced Muslims and human beings. So now that you have acknowledged the problem, ask Allah to help you to stop arguing and continuing the marital discord. Stop now! Get on your knees and beg Allah for help!
You will also want to seek professional guidance to help you get at the bottom of your problems about your families. What got this started? How can you resolve it for the benefit of your children, your marriage, your nuclear and extended families? What happened to cause two friends to become like enemies to each other? You and your wife will want to rebuild your relationship with Allah in order to build a balanced, healthy marriage. Ask Allah to help bring the love, mercy and tranquility back into your hearts and your marriage. He can and has done made friends of enemies. Think of the enemies of Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him). Remember that Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) was on his way to kill the Prophet (pbuh) but he embraced Islam instead and became one of his best companions.
You will want to practice anger management and control skills as well as healthy communication and reflective listening skills. When you feel angry remember to say, “Shaytan is trying to interfere with my family and I will not let him. Away with Shaytan”! Then take 1-3 deep cleansing breaths. As the Prophet (pbuh) said, if you are standing sit down, if you are sitting lay down. This enables you take a time out before you say or do something you will regret. Also when you feel the anger starting to rise make a cool wudu', pray salaat, make du`aa’ and dhikr. Feel your connection with Allah in your heart. This will help you to calm down. Schedule time with each other to discuss your concerns at a time when you can speak in a civil manner with each other. You may need a mediator, arbitrator or marriage and family therapist to help you learn how to communicate in a healthier way.
Remember that marriage is half of your religion and it is the means to Paradise or Hellfire. Don’t let Shaytan interfere in your marriage.
Your children are depending on you to be their parents and raise them in a healthy peaceful family.
