The session has just started. Please feel free to join and submit your questions now.
After the session has ended, you can view the whole dialogue by clicking Recent Sessions, or The Archive.
Yours,
IOL Homepage Editor
Name
amina
- Australia
Profession
Question
Assalamu alaykum Dr.
First of all I want to thank you for you effort. May Allah (swt) reward you for this inshaAllah. I want to ask you, what are some good ways to advice someone? Alhamdulillah we come from a religious background, parents are religious. We try to do our part too alhamdulillah. However, I feel concerned about a lot of things my sister started doing. She is a very nice girl, pure hearted, and amazing in many ways. She hangs out with mostly Muslim girls. However I think some of them are bad influence on her. They are good girls too, but due to the environment, friends, and maybe even family they aren't the best of influence. my sister became very lenient about hijab, started wearing tight clothes. My parents have talked to her about this, but she hasn't listened. She has also started swearing sometimes, even though she doesn't swear as much as her friends do. She spends most of her time with her friends, and even when she is home she talks to them on the phone. I want to help my sister. I have a lot to work on about myself as well, and alhamdulillah I am trying, but I want to know how to advice her? I feel intimidated by her when I try to advice her, because I feel she thinks I am judging her. She then points some mistake in me, or tells me to shut up, or somehow we end up arguing. She is in her early 20. I am aware that arguing, yelling or even pointing out her mistake directly is probably not the best way to advice her because it would only make her defensive. How do I help her without her having to defend herself, because it seems very hard. So at the end I just end up not saying anything because I feel like she might feel offended. This age is very complicated as she is no longer under my parents control. She became very loose about her prayers too, and a lot of her views are kind of non-religious. Don't get me wrong, she is a really sweet girl, probably one of the best among her friends. I can't tell her to change her friends, because it won't work, and it is better to have Muslim friends than non-Muslim ones. My parents are kind of worried about her. She doesn't like to spend much time with her family, but mostly with her friends. My parents don't like this, but they let her go most of the time. Sometimes they don't, and that creates issues between them. She has lied once or twice about where she is going because she knew my parents wouldn't let her. I know its her age. And I somehow feel responsible for it in a way, because when I was younger, I used to have rebellious streaks in me. I am couple of years older than her, and Alhamdulillah I am changed a lot and still working on myself. But I feel like I have already passed on many of my bad habits to her. Please tell me how I can help her inshaAllah. How can I motivate her more, so no matter who she is friends with, she isn't influenced in a bad way. Thank you again. JazakAllah in advance.
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Sister Amina,
You are on the right track. If you possibly can, try to spend as much time as you can with her. As you said, don't point out her mistakes so much, as be a good example for her. Ask her to go for walks with you or to do other activities with you. Engage her in conversation that is non threatening. Let her know how proud you are of her and tell her what you just told me about her good qualities and that you are proud to have a sister like her. In other words, develop rapport and work more on developing a relationship with her. Then, in time, hopefully she will open up, and she will be drawn to naturally grow stronger in her religion. It is a level of awareness that motivates us to practice faithfully, it really can't be forced as you know. And sometime awareness needs to come in the form of one's own contemplation and experience. This will likely come to her if you develop a strong sisterly bond with her and try to have some fun with her too. She will come back.
Salam,
Maryam
Name
RKHAN
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
Assalamualaikum Dr.,
I hope you are well. I wrote to you last week. I'm the Bangladeshi lady who is 26 years old, and who married a Pakistani secretly at mosque 2 months ago. Last week I told you that I still am living with my parents and that I haven't told them I am married.
We are planning to tell them but I am very scared to tell them. unfortunately a bad situation has arisen, my husband was unable to pay the rent to his landlord and so he has no where to live. he has no money now as his employer did not pay him, in other words my husband is nothing now, and I am going crazy. I can not even let him stay at my parents as my parents don't know about my marriage. for 2 nights he stayed out on the streets roaming around on the bus. What do I do? He has no one to help him. He has one brother in UK but his brother did not even bother that my husband was on the streets. I feel helpless and at the same time I keep thinking I did a mistake marrying a poor man. I got really angry and called him 'tramp''beggar' on the phone. What can I do now? He is nothing, he is a poor man. I am going through a bad state now. worrying too much. also I regret marrying him as he cannot support me now. i keep thinking of asking divorce from him. what shall I do Dr?
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam,
My strong suggestion is to talk with IOL scholars to find out exactly what a husband's duties toward his wife are, and what a wife's duties to her husband is. You can post your question in the following page:
Dear Dr.,
Is it wrong to feel suicidal? Is there any other ways of discussing issues with you rather than posting it online like this? Do you help via emails? Please I need some advise...
Answer
Salam anonymous,
here is a secret; Almost everyone has thought about suicide at least once in their life. But if you are feeling suicidal, I need to know if you are suicidal.
The answer to your questions is NO, it is not wrong to feel this way, you can't help how you feel. But, it is wrong to kill yourself because whether or not, you will be hurting others if you do. You will also be taking Allah's will into your own hands, and that is the opposite of submitting your will to Allah.
If you are feeling suicidal, chances are you are really feeling helpless, any perhaps you want to escape emotional pain. We can regain hope, and we can recover from the wounds that cut so deep...and there are people who care about you.
And yes,
email me at Dr.bachmeier@yahoo.com
please email me as soon as you can. I want to continue this dialogue.
Salam,
Maryam
Name
Girl
- Egypt
Profession
student
Question
Salams Dr.,
I've been masturbating since I was small but I stooped since a month.. But when I did it again I felt that it was so nice but I tried to make that one the last time.. because I'm really worried if there's any effect on my body or health? So is there? And how can I stop it? I'm 19 now.
Answer
Assalamu Alaykum Sister,
As far as there being a physiological issue with masturbation, it depends on what you are doing. Some forms of masturbation can cause physical damage, and other wont. a high frequency of masturbation can desensitize your body and make it difficult for you to find pleasure in a natural way when married.
The real issue here is whether or not is is allowed, and you should talk with our scholars, try posting your question in this page:
Another issue is that if indeed, you have been masturbating since a child, in other words, since before you felt sexual desire as a result of hormones, then you might need to seek therapy. It is very unusual for a girl to want to masturbate even at your age now. I would like to know if you have ever been molested or raped as a child. If you want to stop masturbating, you need to find out why you are doing it, and then seek to heal yourself in a more appropriate and acceptable way.
Salam,
Maryam
Name
siddiq
-
Profession
Question
As salamu alaykom Dr.,
After 5 months of separation, we parted ways with my wife of 2 yrs. Her family accused me of neglecting her, not caring enough and abandoning her when she was ill. All baseless arguments and they know it very well. Personally I am not stable financially and I don't have any family to back me up. It so happens that we had a son, now 2 yrs, and her family especially her mother have threatened me if I come anywhere near my son. Her mother has a history of interfering in peoples' marriages, including her son and her brothers, her own marriage failed. We got married in a shariah way, but there are no documents. I am not allowed to see my son. Also my ex follows her mother 100 per cent and we had a heated argument and she told me not to come anywhere near my son or else..........
please advice me
Answer
Wa Allaykum Assalam,
I don't know what country you are from or what your family laws are where you are. I advise you to seek legal counsel if you can. If you cannot because of financial reasons, perhaps your local Imam will have some ideas of people you can talk with, and who know what you can do.
In the mean time, be careful and don't put yourself in a position where you can be accused of abuse or harassment. On the other hands, you want to be able to prove that you are trying to be in your children's lives and a father. you might try writing a letter telling her family how much you love your son and want to be a good father to him and to please try to support that. Make a copy of the letter. Keep a copy of all document and communications from now on. If you do end up in court or have legal counsel you might need it.
Were you legally married according tot the laws of the country that you are living in?
Stay in touch and let's keep working on this.
Salam,
Maryam
Name
anonymous
-
Profession
nursery nurse
Question
Salam Dr.,
I don't know how to start, but I would like to stress I am suffering from depression and it has taken over me and I hate doing anything, I am not the person I used to be and I feel so alone and sad. I am 29 years of age and have a loving husband and I know the reason for my behavior but I can't come out of it just yet. I feel so trapped and I have been really bad with it, medication and therapy but nothing has worked and I am scared of this whole situation escalating like before.
Answer
Salam Anonymous,
Please remind me of the reasons for your depression. Also, tell me how long you have been experiencing this.
There is a possibility that you will need to let it run its course, kind of like a really bad flue. You can help keep your marriage intact by explaining to your husband that it will pass, and that he should not take your moodiness personally, as you are working out your own inner issues, which will help you grow spiritually and become a better person.
There actually is a good purpose for depression!
But I do need to be reminded of where we are in this process so that I can at least let you know what I know about these things.
To keep things from escalating for now, make sure you ask your husband to not be offended, and to allow you to heal. Depression usually is a healing process of a person's spirit and soul, and it is something that you must invite Allah into as He is the only True Healer, and the source of Healing. Depression is expressed as emotional and psychological distress, but the usual actual cause is a conflict within the soul that needs to be resolved, or a wound of the soul/heart that needs to be healed, and as I just said, all healing comes from Allah, so do your prayers, even if it seems superficial... this action alone will help you.
Please stay in touch with me. If you need to process your feelings or thoughts, you can do so and e-mail me at Dr.Bachmeier@yahoo.com and I will read it either on Wednesday or Thursday.
Salam,
Maryam
Name
Sara
- United Kingdom
Profession
teacher
Question
Dear Dr. Bachmeier,
I wonder if you could give me any advice. I was brought up vaguely catholic, i.e. without much conviction with a lingering sense of simply “going through the motions”, unsurprisingly therefore when I became a teenager I rejected Catholicism and indeed belief in God, I know that this is quite a common occurrence amongst western teenagers especially if their families have not themselves been convincing when bringing them up religiously. This was then compounded when I went to University, where it was unusual to have faith in God, in fact throughout my time at University ( I had a scholarship to study in the US as well) I came across more people and supposed intellectual “proof” that God couldn’t exist. I didn’t really start to question these beliefs rather I fell into the popular secular idea that God was an idea which people had created in order reassure themselves about the loneliness and seemingly meaningless nature of life and existence. Everywhere I looked and read this was backed up, i.e. the fact that people have evolved even to some extent (without necessarily believing fully in Darwinism or more recently Dawkinism) from the remains archaeologists have found of neanderthal man, which seems to disprove the theory of Adam and Eve being the first humans. Then the proof of the existence of dinosaurs also disproving creation theory, and the fact that we know that humans were not the first creatures on earth etc. Etc.
The “evidence” against the existence of God seemed so strong, for 4 years now I have been reading about Islam and God and trying to pray and become a believer and I am much closer to believing in God than ever before, and at times feel that there must be a God but doubts come into my mind at other times which I’m not sure how to handle. I believe that being analytical and not just accepting things we are told is of vital importance to all human beings and feel at times more alienated by “believers” who don’t question anything and are convinced that their beliefs are of course the one and only truth. Those who believe that for example everyone else is going to hell, and believe everything they are told- this approach to me seems less convincing than people who question everything and genuinely try to come to balanced and reasonable conclusions and in my experience the latter seem to usually be atheists. I also feel that if God does exist then why would he give us analytical brains if he just wanted us to believe everything we are told without questioning it? I have tried to read as much as I can to dispel my doubts based on archaeological findings and history, and often feel that there is God but the arguments I read against the existence of God usually sound more convincing and well backed up than the arguments I have read or heard from believers, i.e. I am right and you are all going to hell fire if you don’t believe it.
Thanks for your help and sorry for the long question!
Answer
Salam Sara,
If you truly follow science with an honest heart and open mind, science will prove the existence of God.
Seek the truth in the history of semantics... and first understand the meaning of God and the origin of the word God itself... then learn about the history of the word Allah and its meaning... then you will come closer to understanding God...
learn metaphysics through the study of math... take it as far as you can go, and you will find the infinite Allah... just as Einstein did, when in his famous formula, the missing 'element" or "number" to explain existence via relativity, was "god'...the only solution to make his mathematical formula work...
Learn physics until you come to a dead end, and fall into metaphysics, then read "The Dancing Wuli Masters, all about the particle that is even smaller than an ion... after the smallest particle of light is broken down to the smallest we humans can break it down to, we find it has an intelligence of its own...where does that intelligence come from? ahh, these is an intelligence beyond our...yes! scientifically proven...
Then read both of Karen Armstrong's books who had been a Catholic nun and then after doing much research became an atheist and published her research on the history of "God'...which, if you really read closely, and understand the meaning of God, let go of anthropomorphic ideas of God...actually proves the existence of Allah.........
Follow your path as far as it will take you, and the existence of Allah will reveal itself. Jesus actually promised us that if we seek, we will find. Then read the Quran. You will have an Ahaa experience that is more than just an epiphany... it will literally shake your world...
If you want this gift, you have to be sincere in your search.
Allah is with the seeker,
Salam,
Maryam
Name
Rania
- Australia
Profession
Question
Salam wa'alaikum,
I've had depression for a while, and I think I have become desperate when it comes to having a male companion. For example, getting to know someone via the internet halal way, and then he just stopped talking to me and I got VERY upset more than I usually would? what is wrong with me???
Answer
Salam Rania,
NOTHING is wrong with you. We live in a world where it is hard for a good Muslima to find a real Muslim man to marry. And we are created to need marriage. We are created to need a husband. That is not wrong. It is normal to feel desperate, or hopeless, etc. especially in these days. The environment sets us up to become very frustrated. So, know that you are normal and that you are OK.
A secret: I myself tried the internet halal way, and I found that to be impossible. Even the good men who are sincere practicing Muslims are strangers, and it is too scary to marry a complete stranger. and the sad truth is, so many of the men on the internet are not really looking for a halal Islamic marriage. Internet is a personal choice, but I let go of that over 6 months ago.
My conclusion sister, is that we should not deny how we are made, or what our given needs are. But like a person who loses their leg in a war, and cannot walk without an alternate support, we must find a way to go on, maybe even accept being alone and single... not that this is you destiny...but let Allah decide if you are to marry, and let Allah bring your husband to you, and if that doesn't happen, have faith that there is a reason for it as Allah is all wise. For all we know, it has something to do with the changing times, and we are but player in a much larger drama that we ourselves will not understand until later. You are normal. You are OK. Take a deep breath, and let it be.
Salam,
Maryam
Name
Sara
- Canada
Profession
financial advisor
Question
Salams, Dr. Bachmeier,
I'm sorry to bother you about this again. Recap: I am approaching 40, I am a successful professional women, but never married and never had children and currently there are no men on horizon who are interested in me.
I would never consider suicide or ending my life. But what about praying for an early death so I don't have to face the reality of being an old lady with no one who loves me or takes care of me -- is there anything wrong with that? I'm not asking from a religious perspective. If it gives me some comfort to know that God won't drag this existence out for me for years and years, why shouldn't I pray for an early death? Until that comes, I will try to live a good, earnest life. But really, at the moment and for the last few years, I feel empty and alone. Even my "family" (parents, brothers, nieces/nephews, sisters) make fun of me and make jokes about my solitary life.
Answer
Salam Sister,
There is a better solution. Trust me, I do feel your pain, and I have experienced all of the same fears as you. I too am getting older, I am 47 and there isn't a lot of support for Muslim women. That is just the way it is.
However, the only way to Peace, Contentment, and Paradise is by submission to Allah. The only way we can honestly submit to Allah and be the servant of Allah, is to learn to Trust Allah... and that is the lesson.. that is the faith, and that is the Imam. Praying and asking for Allah to change His plans for you is a very self willed thing to do. Asking what His will for you is, is much more submissive. Allah will find a way for you and Allah will care for you and Allah is using you for His purpose and his good.
I will pray for you that your discomfort and emotional pain be removed and that you find relief, but not death. If you should have an early death, then I would lose a friend, and that would make me sad. Maybe Allah cares about me too...think about it.
Let's stay connected, OK?
Maryam
Name
desperate mom
-
Profession
Question
Assalam'alaikum Dr.,
May Allah (swt) give you the best of both the worlds, ameen!
My 17yrs son is getting more & more aggressive & angry at Allah (may Allah swt forgive him & guide him, ameen)for not fulfilling his dua'a, so he has left reading the Quran and salat. He just shouts back at me when I reminded him these things. He doesn't want to hear anything about Allah, it's very hurtful to me! He is angry at me & his father for not able to fulfill his wishes. Sometimes we promised him something but we failed to keep it because of the financial problems which is really out of our hands specially in the last one year or more. He says that we are torturing him and in return he will not put effort in his study in order to torture us. His grades already suffered a lot. He is not preparing for his college application matters, he has given up, sometimes he said its better to die now. He hit wall & doors with naked hands and he really got hurt but he did it again & again. he is not eating much, he was a big eater, but now he eats only once a day. He can still have daily communication with me but mostly end up unhappily recently as I don't have answers for his demands in this uncertain time of struggling. I really don't know what to do, what is the priority to deal with him. please help!
I have been making a lot of dua'a for Allah's help also.
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Dear Mother,
Where do you live? I am asking this because I want to know what resources you might have available.
Your son is most likely depressed, and does not know who to blame. and there isn't anyone to blame, but he is too young to understand this. Young men often express depression through violence and rage, as they are afraid of their emotions. Anger is really an expression of fear. Remember this when he goes into a rage.
Rule out the use of drugs. When families suffer from economic depression, often some members of the family will try to escape feelings of powerlessness and discomfort by using drugs. This also helps them to not have eto feel the feeling that they are afraid of.
Do you know what he is asking for/ There might be an approach that you can use to help him understand why his duaa is not being answered right now.
The most important issue right now, is that he is depressed, and young men from age 19 through 25 do become suicidal when things seems bad for them. This is no one's fault. it is because their brains are not completely formed yet and they are not able to think abstractly enough to see a bigger picture or into the future. Everything seems permanent...so they loose hope. They also feel responsible for the family a lot of times, and he may even be feeling like a failure. don't believe everything that comes out of his mouth. He knows he needs Allah, and he is really scared and feeling hopeless.
It is OK that you don't have answer for his demands. Keep the daily communication. And, if you can get him to walk with you, this will help, connection with a loved on and physical activity might help him pull out of this... get him talk it out, and don't react to what he says. stay natural. Don't believe everything he says. and try to see if there is more going on.
Keep me posted, this is just the beginning of a journey. you are doing a great job. you are a wonderful and caring mom.
Salam,
maryam
Name
RKHAN
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
Assalamualaikum Dr
I hope you are well. I wrote to you last week. I'm the Bangladeshi lady who is 26 years old, and who married a Pakistani secretly at mosque 2 months ago. Last week I told you that I still am living with my parents and that I haven't told them I am married.
We are planning to tell them but I am very scared to tell them. unfortunately a bad situation has arisen, my husband was unable to pay the rent to his landlord and so he has no where to live. he has no money now as his employer did not pay him, in other words my husband is nothing now, and I am going crazy. I can not even let him stay at my parents as my parents don't know about my marriage. for 2 nights he stayed out on the streets roaming around on the bus. What do I do? He has no one to help him. He has one brother in UK but his brother did not even bother that my husband was on the streets. I feel helpless and at the same time I keep thinking I did a mistake marrying a poor man. I got really angry and called him 'tramp''beggar' on the phone. What can I do now? He is nothing, he is a poor man. I am going through a bad state now. worrying too much. also I regret marrying him as he cannot support me now. I keep thinking of asking divorce from him. what shall I do Dr?
Answer
Salam RKHAN,
one more thing I meant to mention...something practical...
find out where the masjeds are located in the city where your husband is, get their phone numbers, and get him a way to call those brothers. You can call them yourself if you believe that you husband would approve, but only to get your husband connected with them.
May Allah Provide for both of you,
Maryam
Name
RKHAN
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
I don't want to divorce him at all. Shall I tell my parents and ask if he can live with us till he finds accommodation? Please, please help me. I need comfort and I'm so down. I don't know what to do. please help me Dr, you helped me last time with your counseling. Thanks.
Answer
Salam RKHAN,
If your heart is telling you that you want to stay married, and you feel guided to ask you parent if he can live with you, then have confidence in the guidance that you are feeling.
You will want to approach your parents when they are feeling well, not tired or preoccupied with other worried. Tell them ahead of time that you have something very important to discuss and that you need to set aside extra time to talk about it. prepare them. Then, of course, pray for Allah's help.
I cannot tell you what to do. You must get that guidance from your relationship with Allah, and listen to your heart and understand with your mind. Prayer helps us get in touch with all of that.
I do care about you and I will pray for the best outcome for you and your husband. And if you do ask your parents for help, please tell me what their response is.
In the meantime, the only help you can give your husband is to encourage him to go to the Masjeds and ask the brothers for help. they will help him. If they don't, then he is in the wrong town, and he shroud move to a place where there is a good network of pious brothers. They will get him on his feet and on track. Meanwhile, you pray for him.
Allah an change a circumstance in an instant, and you just don't know what tomorrow will bring. Hang in there. We are all with you.
Maryam
Name
Muhammad
-
Profession
Question
Assalamu alaikum,
It is known that men are naturally leaders and stronger than women and it is their responsibility to lead and protect their family- The Qur'an affirms this. What would you say of some men who are naturally weak and poor leaders. Should such men marry at all, can they marry? This case applies to me. I am very weak and very poor in leadership. I cant stand up to protect my right, i remain cheated most times. I will feel angry but cant speak out and stand firm for my right. I see myself helpless and most times i burst into tears in such situations. I cant shout or yell out. In general, i see myself so weak, soft and more like a feminine. I am also somehow passive and lack initiative. Am an introvert and have poor social relation with people. Am also quite, gentle and cant talk much. I cant hold a smooth spontaneous conversation. Most times my head is empty and I don't know what to say- i think i have ALOGIA. I am boring and a lot of time I run away from people because i feel embarrassed when am not able to converse smoothly. I don't have much aspirations and goals in life.
I have started thinking of marriage and some months ago a very good religious sister was recommended for me. We set out to know each other and after two months when this sister got to know more about me, she had no interest and feelings towards me due to my weak nature, poor leadership quality and my personality. Now i have come to understand that women want strong, brave and real men who can lead, protect them and whom they will be proud of. With my condition and especially since it is NATURAL with little or no changes (improvement) possible, i dont think any responsible sister will like me. Does this mean i am not capable of marrying? Please advice especially with respect to my weak nature, personality and leadership from Islamic point of view.
Remain blessed.
Answer
Assalam Alaykum Brother Muhammad,
Chances are that you have had your boundaries violated at some time in your life and this may have caused you to lose faith and confidence. But strength and leadership comes from Allah. The men who are able to lead are instruments of Allah, and they get that ability through their relationship with Allah. men are just human beings, and are as helpless as any creature. Allah put the desire and instinct into the male to protect, guide, and lead, but the ability really comes from Allah...
We live in a society today where the natural way of living, in tune with Allah is not respected, thus both men and women are crying. This is good, for i believe that Allah will hear our tears.
You can surely marry, if you are an introvert, find a woman who can respect that and help you get the privacy that you need. If you are gentle, then you wife is blessed. You might want to enlist the hep of a good and pious older woman to hep you select a wife who will not take advantage of your good nature. Women know women...and men do get tricked.
Please, don't generalize the experience that you had with this sister to a future experiences. There is a match for every personality. Once you become close to Allah, you will have a better sense of what your work is, and you will have initiative, because you will want to please Allah. Your work on this earth is for His sake, and you simply need to find a wife who is well suited to support you in this. That you are a sensitive man can be a very good thing. It may mean that you have the ability to have some understanding of the human nature. Don't put too many labels on yourself, and don't worry about your personality. Just be who you are, seek guidance from Allah to know what his will for you is, and what work he is guiding you to do, and do it. Then seek a wife who can support you in your path and complete your deen. there are no two marriages the same.
Salam
Maryam
Name
kamaruddeen
- Saudi Arabia
Profession
student
Question
salam doctor,
I hope you are fine by the grace of almighty. I am writing this for my brother of 12 years old.he is weak in his studies, doesn't sit to study once he sit to study he will come to kitchen to drink water, go to toilet or like that. Is there any remedy for this kinda problem?
Answer
Wa Aaykum Assalam Kamaruddeen,
It sounds like your brother is feeling very self conscious, and we do want to be careful with his self image and self esteem. He may have a learning disability, yet still have many undiscovered gifts. Reassure him that everyone has something that they have to deal with in life, this difficulty might be his, but he will be make stronger in his faith as a result. Be supportive and encourage him to get as much testing as possible. Often the educational cllinicians make mistakes by not making thorough assessments and jumping to early conclusions. You want to know if this is a learning disability, or if there is another primary diagnosis that is causing the learning disability.
Once he realizes that he is loved and accepted just as he is, he will be less defensive and wont feel the need to lie. That is when he will be ready to ask for help and maybe even help diagnose his problem by explaining what he is experiencing.
Meanwhile, focus on his strengths, his good points. Tell him what he is doing right, and that you are proud of him for that. Provide him a sense of emotional security and acceptance and of being liked just as he is. This will make a huge difference.
Keep me posted!
Maryam
Name
Zainab
-
Profession
Question
Salaam u alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh, I'm writing to you again. I've been having a lot of problems lately. My mom discarded the idea of a doctor, who was not a psychotherapist. however, she still thinks i m crazy. I don't know what she wants from me. It's the same with other people. What should I do? I find it hard to ignore people when they are being mean to me, unfortunately I am too anxious to know how to respond intelligently.
Answer
Salam Zainab,
You certainly are able to write quite well. Perhaps it is time for you to realize that your mother may have some insecurities about herself for whatever reason and that her issues might not have anything to do with you. she may be so insecure that she projects that on to you. If this is the case, then compassion and understanding is the medicine that she needs.
And you may be catching her insecurities. So, be compassionate with yourself. the first thing I want you to do is to stop calling yourself names that are not nice. I want you to write down ten good qualities that you like about yourself and read them daily.
and remember, life is a journey meant to teach us and refine our souls, becasue we are a work in progress. You have come spiritually this far, and you now have an awareness of the importance of learning Islam and a desire to practice it. the beauty is, it wont bother you soo much when people "judge" you once you get more deep into your practice. judging is not a part of Islam...Allah judges.
Pray to Allah for guidance and ask him to help you to find a way to ignore people who say mean things to you. Ask Allah to bring supportive friends into your life.
please keep writing here also, I do enjoy hearing from you.
Salam,
Maryam
Name
R
-
Profession
Question
Salam Dr,
It's me again and i hope that you're in best of health. I've recently been watching youtube videos on the Islamic golden age and its scientific advancements and discoveries play crucial rule in European renaissance - which really fascinates me. The more i study about how Islamic scholars of the past discover and develop their fields of knowledge which later adopted and obliterated) by the west, the more i begin to notice stark differences between the Muslims of such glorious days and today's Muslims - like day and night! They're zealous and thirst for knowledge as they doubted upon the previous works of the Greeks and questions on the meaning of the Qur'an, which stumbled on new knowledge, discoveries, and inventions at the process! I've never knew and thought before that it is us, or to be more specific is Qur'an, that gave birth to 'reasoning' and 'logic' which generally put as science. It's really fascinating to know that science is not some subjects to get A's to get into universities but they are crucial tools in defining and fulfilling our purpose! I'm so exuberant to stumbled on this but sadly to know that if such Muslims do exist today in this tragic moment of time? Can we ever be like one but how since we don't know what they're actually like? Were these the people known as the 'mumineen' or believer, who could make such wonders to the world?
That's all for today and JazakAllahukairan.
Answer
Salam R,
Thanks for writing in. You said it, and you made my day!
I only know a little about this particular history, but it is truly fascinating. I bet if you write in to our scholars here, they might know if these were the people known as the mumineen.
But yes, science is a gift from Allah... and an infinity of discovery for us as we as humanity develop..it is fascinating when we grow scientifically in an honest manner, we also grow spiritually, you can't have one without the other, just as the heart is connected to the mind... they must be congruent with one another in order for them to be without confusion, to experience clarity, and to be effective.
You have a great mind. That is a gift from Allah, and remember this; All mind is from Allah... so be humble, and you will be wise so that Allah can use your mind as His instrument... there is nothing more powerful than that.
Can't wait to hear from you soon,
Maryam
Name
A.
-
Profession
researcher
Question
Salamu Alaikom Dr.,
I seem to have this obsessive mind: I find myself in need of role models and when I find one, I can get totally wrapped up in that person. I sometimes find myself going to sleep and waking up thinking about that person (not people I personally know, but media people). It feels very unhealthy. How can I overcome this?
Answer
Salam A.
Identity formation requires role models. So, what you are doing is natural. But using media people might not be the best source of learning what a good character is and how to live a healthy life.
Write down in a journal what you believe are the most important characteristics and qualities that a person should possess.
Then write down what you believe you are most inspired to do, overall, in a general way with your life... the general direction.
Pray to Allah to help you become aware of your "calling" and the work you are here to do.
Then, when you see people who have been successful at what you believe your own calling is, explore what is making them a success. You are not going to be them, you will develop your own personality, but you will learn the "tricks of the trade' whatever your trade might be. As you live, your personality will develop.
When you see people who possess the characteristics and qualities that you would like to possess, get to know them, and you will learn their ways.
Finally, if you can find a kind and wise older woman who is pious and a practicing Muslima, if you ask her to be your mentor, she probably will, and if you stay close to her, you will learn a lot and grow.
If you follow these steps, you will no longer be obsessed with a role mode, but will instead be developing yourself and developing relationship with good people who are living pious lives.
