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Name
B
-
Profession
Question
Salam,
I am in my mid-20s and am becoming more immersed into the teachings of Islam.
It feel very anxious, yet I find comfort in the words of Almighty Allah. I don't know why or how it happens, and am wondering has there been anybody experiencing this and is this normal? To be honest, I just don't like the trembling part, where I tend to feel so helpless and caged-in...
I need your advice,
Thank you very much
Answer
Salam alaikum, many thanks for your question and for sharing your difficult situation. I am sure there are many people out there who experience something similar to you. You are not alone.
We all keep things inside; many people have bad memories that we just push away to the back of our mind and pretend they do not exist. Everyone makes mistakes and commits sins – that is a normal part of being a human being but we know in Islam that the best are those who repent often. And when we do repent, we are cleansed of our sins and then we carry on with our lives, trying to be better. If we fail to deal with our memories, sins and mistakes, they accumulate within us, and can even make us sick. This can be seen as a warning; that there is something we are not dealing with. It is like these fears, guilt and so on, are calling to us to deal with them. Hence, we might feel anxious, perturbed and overwhelmed and it is likely to continue until we deal with them. Indeed, it takes a lot of courage to face our life.
Sometimes we can feel caged-in by our own self; we can feel locked into our fear and dread. But all this can disappear once we deal with our issues and confront the problem/s.
It is important to remember that everything in this life has a positive aspect; there is a lesson in every situation, in every person we meet, and in every challenge we face. The trick is to understand what that lesson is, and what Almighty Allah wants us to learn. Moreover, the answer to those questions are within our heart; within us! But, sometimes we are too afraid to find the answer; perhaps because it means that we may have to change and human beings usually resist change.
I suggest that you find a good trusted friend; someone you can open up to, and talk about what is going on inside you. Perhaps there is a Muslim counselor in your area; such a person will have more expertise I knowing how to help you decipher from where your fear and anxiety is emerging.
There are many people in the world today who are dealing with anxiety on a day to day basis. It is a sad reality, but the means of healing, of changing and of overcoming are there. May Allah the Almighty guide you to the means of healing; that you will feel whole, secure and hopeful always.
Name
A
-
Profession
Question
Salam.,
I think I am experiencing a punishment from what I did in the past.
Actually, out of discomforts and dissatisfaction of the educational system there, I just immediately withdrew from my university studies against my parents' wishes, whom did not listen to my side of story. Since that incidence, I can't think or do anything properly to the extent, that I sometimes not feeling conscious of myself.
Out of hard pressures from my family, I withdrew just to make them quiet. Indeed, it is a nightmare for me to go back, but ironically, I slowly gain consciousness and feeling better about myself that I'm no longer feeling caged-in.
Now I'm facing a problem that deals with the registration problems of my past profile, and I've learned the fact that nobody could solve this, even my most esteem supervisor, who has always been encouraging and helpful, can't get himself involved.
I get really scared, and do not know why, for I have been called by the senior staff on dealing with this issue. I feel like I'm heading to a court to hear my judgment. Why all this happen, and how can I get myself calm and focus? Btw - I've noticed that many people could not understand what I'm talking about... could this be a sign of near sanity? Please help, and thank you very much.
Answer
Salam alaikum, many thanks for your question. Everything we do and say in this life has a consequence and once we realize that, we will be very careful of what we do, and why we do it. It is true that sometimes we live with the consequences of our actions and sometimes Almighty Allah relieves us of them. Have you asked Allah the Almighty to save you from the consequences? Remember, Almighty Allah is merciful and wise, and if we turn to Him sincerely, He will respond to us.
Pressure and stress can affect us greatly; they can also make us physically ill and troubled. Because the world is so full of pressure and negative stress we must learn how to deal with it. We must learn how to take things in our stride; change what we can and accept what we cannot change. This way of thinking is based on trust in Allah and making our life a living prayer; one where we seek to do good, say good and intend good wherever we are. The Muslim should be a catalyst of positive change; there should be no harm, revenge, or turmoil coming from the heart that is close to Almighty Allah. At the same time, if we are positive, hopeful and trusting in Allah we should be able to ride out life’s storms and remain intact.
In your question, you did not specify the kind of problems you were facing at the university and why you decided to leave. It is very important to include such details so I can understand what you are facing. Perhaps you had a good reason to leave and perhaps you didn’t. But you will not know unless you are objective; and putting emotions aside, analyze the problem and come up with a solution.
Parents love their children and usually want good things for them. Sometimes, however, they are misguided and try to force their children to do things that the young people do not really want to do. There is so much room in such a situation for misunderstanding and bad feelings to emerge. Therefore, it is vital that you maintain a good level of communication with your parents and try to get them to see your point of view, while listening very carefully to theirs. So many Muslim parents choose not to educate their daughters, so if you have parents who are pushing you to be educated, thank Almighty Allah! Choose a faculty that you enjoy and feel inclined to. Ask Almighty Allah to guide you on a good career path and at the same time, constantly develop your spirituality and closeness to Allah the Almighty.
When we feel overwhelmed and are run by our emotions, we can easily lose focus and can even get to the point where we cannot think straight. It is important that you find a way to let your stress come down. Try to go to a quiet place, somewhere that looks beautiful and is peaceful. Do some deep breathing, recite some thikr, remember what is important in life and that Almighty Allah is always there; you just have to ask Him sincerely and He will respond to you. His mercy is greater than His wrath and He loves those who repent and try to change.
Name
kadija
- South Africa
Profession
Question
Salam alikum, I got married recently, and my husband’s family practices Islam differently to how I was brought up. For example, they do not allow women to pray the Eid Prayer or to go to the mosque generally. I was brought up the opposite of this. I want to get along with my family, what should I do?
Answer
Salam alaikum, many thanks for your question. Cultural differences between people can enhance their life together and make it rich, or sometimes, it can make things complicated. The problem arises when certain practices, that contradict the message of Islam become an inherent part of culture and are then practiced and even enforced.
In this situation, however, you have the means with which to make change. You have the knowledge that Almighty Allah gave us; that women are allowed to go to the masjid and that especially for the Eid prayer, she must attend! It is her right to see and experience the joy of Eid, and share this with the people around her. It is also her right to attend the masjid and all the benefits of doing so.
A lot of these cultural expectations come from the basic way people think; how they see the role of woman in the family and society and whether or not they see her as on the same footing as the man. We know, in Islam, that Almighty Allah created man and woman from a single soul and that the only way any human being, man or woman, can be greater in the sight of Allah is to be more God-conscious (taqwa).
We also know that Allah the Almighty is Just and loves justice. So the problem here seems to be lack of knowledge on the part of the people who are enforcing this cultural bias, or stubborn determination not to change because they do not wish to change the way they consider woman and her role in life.
Either way, this needs to change. The question now is: How should we make this change?
Some people might be very strong and daring and challenge the status quo. A friend of mine in South Africa (who is not South African herself) was traveling with her new inlaws and husband and the time for prayer arrived. The men found a masjid and went in to pray. She wanted to pray too but the women in the car told her that they (the women) will pray when they get home.
This made her feel angry because she could not understand why the women would accept to oppress themselves. She answered that by that time the time of the prayer will have ended. The women insisted and she insisted too. She wanted to pray. She searched the masjid but there was no place for women. She found herself getting agitated and then the men came back to the car. She told them that she wants to pray and they told her the same thing; that she can pray at home.
At that moment, she had a choice to either follow the status quo (which was unjust) or to stand her ground. She stood her ground and quietly, calmly but firmly told them that she is going to find a place to pray. They all protested but she continued and found a secluded place in the street, put down her prayer mat and prayed. Some people called her a trouble maker. What would you call her?
From that time onward, it became known in her family and circle of friends that she will not be quiet when it comes to her God-given rights. It might be on a very small scale, but a change is coming and she was part of it.
Many times, people will give out as much nonsense as we are willing to take. There comes a time when we have to stand our ground (calmly, politely but resolutely) and stand up for our rights and those of others.
In your case, because you are dealing with your inlaws, it is vital that you get your husband on your side and make him understand the gravity of the situation and our role as individuals in making positive change. In my friend’s case, she had her husband’s support and this was difficult for him because he found himself pulled between her and his family but he recognized that she was seeking to do something right and he (also gently and kindly) worked on his family.
May Allah open the best of ways for you and your family. May He make your steps firm and your manners kind and may you be determined in doing what is right.
Name
Jamaal
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
Salam alaikum, what can a young couple do if they have different opinions all the time? I know it’s normal to have some, but this is getting too much.
Answer
Salam alaikum, many thanks for your question. You are right. It is normal to have differences of opinion, especially in the marriage relationship and this can, in fact, be a means of strengthening the relationship. The problem is not the differences, but how the couple chooses to cope with them.
The basis of marriage is love and hopefully, friendship. If the couple is best friends to each other, this will help them to communicate when the romantic feelings might slide for a while. It is a safety net for them; an ability to chat and discuss and see things from the other person’s point of view. It will also enables them to laugh things off, and make a fresh start.
Sometimes we take ourselves too seriously and think that our way or opinion has to be followed. Sometimes we are too afraid to give a little and compromise, so as to make peace. Sometimes we become self-engrossed and completely fail to look at things from the other person’s point of view. If this happens there is no more communication and without communication, a marriage will slowly and very painfully dissolve. People may be living together in the marriage bond, but they may have not yet learned how to be married; how to share, forgive, listen properly, compromise and start again.
If you and your wife are disagreeing a lot, it might be helpful to analyze things a bit. What are the recurrent issues that keep popping up? Is there something underlying these issues? Do you both feel free to discuss anything and everything? You should be able to. Try to pinpoint the main issues and narrow them down to two or three important things, then make a date with your wife, take her out, have dinner and sit somewhere quiet – away from the house! And just talk. Make the atmosphere relaxed, jovial and refreshing and I am sure, insha Allah, that any issues that are lurking beneath the surface of your relationship will emerge and you will have the chance to deal with them. But be ready.
Your best chance of dealing with them is to be prepared and tell yourself: I will not get angry, no matter what! I will not get defensive! I will not blame! I will not drag up the past! I will not……. And stick to that.
Also, maybe too much time is being spent talking about issues. How about spending time just talking about why you love each other. Tell each other how you feel. What your wife does for you and how she makes you feel. Tell each other those feelings you have but which you think the other person knows, so you don’t talk about them. Say what is in your heart and say it sincerely. Talk about your dreams and your fears. Open up!
I pray that you and your wife will find a space between you where you can find rest in each other; a haven from this world and its troubles.
Name
Sofi
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
Salam alaikum, Why does Islam have so many rules, and why is it so strict? It sometimes makes me feel that I 'm a bad person, because I can’t keep up with all the Islamic rules. Please help.
Answer
Salam alaikum, many thanks for your question. Perhaps it will help if we look at the situation from the other way around, and say: ‘Life is so complicated, why don’t I have guidelines to help me find my way through it?’
It is true. Life can be very complicated, and we often find ourselves at a loss; not knowing what to do next. We are aware that we do things wrong, that sometimes we are unjust to others or even to ourselves, that we lack knowledge and so on. At the same time, we struggle with our relationships, try to develop ourselves and find our place in the world. All this at the same time!
Moreover, we might be ill, anxious, confused, addicted or unsure. Ask yourself: Can I face life alone? Can I dare to think that I could overcome all this; against all these odds? The answer is simply – no you can’t face life alone because it is just too difficult.
The good news is that we are not alone. The message of Islam tells us that Almighty Allah is closer to us than our jugular vein, that He encompasses all things in His knowledge, that He is compassionate, merciful and wise and that He created all things with compassion and love. This might sound strange when we recall the difficulties we face in life, but we should also keep in mind that our experiences in the world are a training for our inner selves. We can only grow if we know Almighty Allah, know ourselves and experience life with all its ups and down. Only then can we become strong, wise, loving and compassionate human beings, as we see our strengths and weaknesses as well as those of the people around us.
We perceive things; understand things from our own individual point of view and sometimes we choose to see things in certain ways. For example, we can choose to see Islam as a bunch of rules; something that is restrictive, or we can look at Islam in its essence – a message from the Creator reminding us to know Him, acknowledge Him, love Him and obey Him and thereby, understand ourselves and the world around us. This is the basis of Islam; recognizing that Allah is the creator and the one to whom we turn for help when we face life and try to deal with it.
In His mercy, Almighty Allah taught us the characteristics we should develop within ourselves, so that we can find success in every aspect of life. These are things like humility, generosity, kindness, forgiveness, insight, gentleness, compassion and love. One of Almighty Allah’s beautiful names is Al-Wodood (the source of love) and He implanted this wonderful feeing within each of us and it is manifest in many different ways. The guidelines Islam offers us are meant to remove injustice and harm, and to provide an environment where we can develop, form solid relationships and discover the world in safety and peace.
Try not to have a narrow vision when you look at anything in life; there is always more than what is obvious. I pray that you will learn to see Islam as the pulse of life, the way we can develop our personality and character in every good way, a way to spread peace and justice in the world and to learn, with every step we take, to see Almighty Allah’s mercy and compassion in ourselves and all around us.
Name
Sanam Mohammed
- United States
Profession
Government
Question
Asalaam Alaikum,
I am in my thirties and unmarried. I am an educated, and pious Muslimah, but have not been able to find a suitable spouse. Please don't assume that my family was/is picky. I must say that good men are hard to find.
Especially, if a girl isn't blessed with physical beauty. I'm average, but so good on the inside. I'm losing hope. I've asked my sisters in Islam to help, but match-makers are just horrible. They immediately inquire about the color of my skin and height. Just because I'm in my early thirties, they're acting, as if I'm some monster from the deep. Nothing is working. What should I do? I have some friends who've started looking outside the culture and faith wit the plan of getting a man to convert to Islam for the purposes of marriage. Can you recommend a dua?
Answer
Salam alaikum, many thanks for your question. Yes, it is difficult to find a good man and it is also difficult to find a good woman! And, yes, most people choose to only look at a person’s external characteristics, which is foolish.
So much of the way we see ourselves, is made up of how others see us. If we bind ourselves to the perspectives of others, it is likely that we will go insane! People have different opinions, taste, points of view and bias and a person, such as yourself, can find herself being pushed and pulled this way and that. Trying to meet people’s expectations is a dead-end road. The solution? Just be yourself. Feel comfortable in your own skin. Forge a way for yourself in life and do not let yourself be content with the superficialities of this world.
If a person can do this, there is a certain kind of energy that bubbles up and makes that person feel confident; he or she will shine! This is especially so if she is trying to develop herself, have a positive impact on this world and is sensitive to life and its meaning.
In such a state, she will become more ‘attractive’ – people will become inclined to her because of her strength and gentleness, her confidence and humility and her kindness and force of mind.
We all feel lonely and seek a soul mate so we can feel complete. That is why marriage is such an important part of Islam, but at the same time, as human beings, are basic state is one of aloneness. Get used to it. We are born alone, live alone and will ultimately die alone. People will come in and out of our lives and color it in different ways but in the end, it’s just you and Allah.
If you look at the situation from this point of view, I think you will feel less desperate. Trust in Allah and know that what was destined for you will come your way and that your journey through life is made up of your choices and the way you choose to think.
I pray that you will learn to find joy in the moment at hand. That you will be surrounded by good people who love you. That your heart will be so big that you will forgive the foolishness of others and give back anyway. I also pray that you will find a man who will complete you and be a source of comfort and peace.
Name
drifted in the ocean
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Profession
Question
Drifted in the ocean
I'm a postgraduate student and have been an enthusiast of Islam, and am a born-Muslim. Because of the anguish and frustrations arose from the hypocrisy of Muslims, who are such fluent oracles, but never allow their actions to put into questions, I feel like I have a need to do something fearing, that I'll end up like them.
As I put my affairs in the trust of Almighty Allah, I tend to feel more drifted, as I approach into the unknown fearing and worrying of what lie ahead and would happen to me. Is it bound to be like this for those who submit their wills? Sometimes I don't understand why when intend to do something good, we tend to go through an excruciating experience along the way? Has this ever happen to anyone?
Answer
Salam alaikum, many thanks for your question. We are continually making choices that carve the path of our life and living with the consequences of our own and others’ actions can be excruciating. As individuals we are forced to react to what surrounds us while managing what is going on within us. Keeping this subtle balance requires sincerity and a lot of effort.
It is not only the Muslims who behave wrongly; doing so is part of the human condition. We continually make mistakes and perceive things wrongly. That is why forgiveness is so important as well as giving advice. The blessings lie in our intention and effort to rectify the situation and put ourselves aright.
The feeling you described of ‘drifting’ is, I believe, a part of life. Nothing is sure; there are no guarantees on anything and that is why it is so important that we live our lives trusting in Allah and asking for His guidance while being aware of ourselves and what is going on around us. Yet, many people live in delusion; thinking that they are in control and can get whatever they want out of life.
Every experience we go through has the potential to enrich us and help us understand ourselves, others and life in a deeper and more meaningful way. The problem is, if we fail to learn our lessons and so keep going through similar experiences until we get it right.
Living in the past destroys the individual and prevents him from dealing with the here and now. And, likewise, looking forward to the future also causes us confusion, false hopes and often, despair. If we can learn to appreciate the moment at hand, we will have more chance to find the key to success; insight that helps us see and understand further beyond the superficialities of this world.
Hidden within the ‘present’ is the wisdom we need to know how to take the next step in life. It requires us to ponder; ‘go slow’ in life, thinking with an open heart and constantly seeking Allah’s guidance. Afterall, tomorrow is made up of so many ‘todays’ that build together forming who we are, what we have learned, what we have overcome and how we have polished our personalities until we shine! Shine with goodness, compassion and motivation to change and help others heal.
You will not end up like anyone if you know who you are. Don’t focus on the Muslims you see who are not living their lives well. Leave them and focus on yourself and how you want to grow and how you want to be. Change emerges from within us; it is not external. Allah tells us in the Quran (what means) that if we change our inner selves, He will change our condition (environment). So, make a firm intention to do good and say good wherever you are. Help others. Have compassion for people; be the one who is always ready to be of assistance; the answer to someone’s prayer.
Leading from this, we have not to fear the future. We can learn to do that if we focus on the present and enrich it; make the most of it. And, from here, step into the future one moment at a time.
Name
help
- India
Profession
Question
Salam, I hope my question is right for this session.
Me and my friend fell in love with each other 2 month ago. We know each other for like a year now, and were always attached with each other in close friendship. We have a very deep understanding. He really loves me, and so do I.
The only problem here is that he had a past relationship of almost 7 years with another girl, who left him due to some tensions between her and his family. She was his first love, and the way he used to recall the time he spent with her truly shows how much he loved her. I can see that he was a very romantic person.
The problem now is that when he is with me, I find him lost. He tells me that it will take some more time for him to show the romantic nature of him, as he was madly in love with some one before me. I am bit stressed out because I some times feel that he will never be on the same strong love term with me, though he loves me.
Even I was involved in a relationship myself, but I have completely forgotten it now and never think about it. I do not understand why is the man whom I love not being able to forget his past even when he tells me, that he loves me and only me.Although he has proposed to me, am still worried.
Am I with the right guy after all this? Is there a way that I can help him recover despite him telling me that he doesn't think about his past, but will take some more time to recover from his past.
Need much help
Answer
Salam alaikum, many thanks for your question. Allah created love to be a part of our condition and He also created the way; the channel for it and that is through marriage which is a commitment to the person you love. You commit yourselves to each other in front of Allah and two witnesses and so start your life together. Without this commitment, two people can be adrift; not knowing where they stand with each other.
This kind of uncertainty can be very painful and leave them both feeling vulnerable.
This man has already lived through great uncertainty. The woman he loved in the past left him; just like that! There was no commitment there; no consciousness of Allah and seeking to respect the rights of the other party. She just left him and that uncertainty has made him feel vulnerable until today. Matters of the heart can be overwhelming.
Now he says that he loves you and you alone. Why don't you believe him? Just because he is still dealing with his past and is unable to communicate as he would like right now, does not mean his feelings are insincere. It seems he is trying to fix things and stabilize himself. This may take time and if you truly love him, you will be patient and help him through it.
But remember, that the vehicle for love is marriage which helps the couple to focus on each other; it gives them a framework to live within.
If he feels secure with you, and trusts you that you will not just leave him, he may open up more and tell you what is on his mind. But if he feels that you will react negatively, be defensive or insecure he will close up. So you have to think about your relationship with him and what direction you both will take.
If you want Almighty Allah’s help and blessing then make the intention to do things His way. Such situations can turn around quite quickly if the people involved are honest with each other, trust each other and feel safe with each other.
I pray that Almighty Allah will guide you both to be safe, happy and fulfilled.
Name
sis-
-
Profession
Question
salam alykom
Teenagers from the age of 11 years old behaves differently till when they reach 18 years of age. Most of them stay the same for longer period, and some of them for the rest of their lives. What are the ways that parents can take to prevent this? (I mean for the bad behaviors) salam
Answer
Salam alaikum, many thanks for your question. Through all the stages of life we human beings are prone to err. The turbulence of adolescence perhaps makes the behavior of children more conspicuous but I think that if we take a closer look we will find that they are reacting to situations just like we do. Afterall, we, the adults, teach them so much about what is right and wrong.
The teenage years are very difficult as the child goes through many changes, physically and emotionally and at the same time he/she is developing their spirituality. As adults, we will be helping our children if we teach them to rely on Allah, instead of relying on us. We often have the desire to keep them close to us, to control them and protect them from the world whereas in actual fact, it is very important that we teach them how to deal with this life and give them the tools to do so.
This means they need to know how to turn to Almighty Allah, how to repent, how to feel hopeful, how to develop their personality in a positive way and how to make good choices. If we make the choices for them they will not learn. If we blame them, they will learn that it is useless to feel hopeful. If we pick on what they do wrong, instead of encouraging them in what they do right, they will feel that negative behavior is normal.
They take with them into adult life what they have developed in their early years but the story does not end there. All our lives through we are learning, overcoming and facing challenges and they will do the same. Their young years are just a short time but very important for us to instill confidence, a positive attitude and a clear direction into their young hearts.
