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Name
Kazem
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Profession
Question
You mean that there are some problems related to western school that may affect our Muslim families here in the west?
Answer
Yes, there are problems related to public schools in the west, and they mainly have to with the environment and popular mainstream culture of the society. This is normal with all minority groups when they have different value system.
Some of these problems can be related to various celebrations like Christmas, Halloween, Valentine, etc. Others could be related to gender relations, school dances, private parties, boyfriend & girlfriend, dress related problems.
Name
hamed
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Profession
Question
What is the best way to follow the homework with your child? Sometimes we are very busy and we don't have any time to follow up with our children. Any suggestions?
Answer
The parents can make an agreement with the child that they can complete their homework every night and show it to the parents by certain hour of the evening, and if they need help they are going to ask for it. This agreement will include a follow up chart or a contract between the parent and the child depending on the age of the child. Through the chart, the parent and the child will decide about some rewards that the child will get if he sticks to the agreement, or some consequences that he will lose if he does not do his homework. The parents still have to follow up on the child, but it will make it easy than just tell him to do the homework.
A follow up chart will work better with children from grade 1 till grade 5, and a contract from grade 6 and up. A detailed sample on how to prepare a contract between you and your child can be found in our book: Muslim Teens, chapter 9, published by amana Publications.
Name
L.O.
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Profession
Question
What is your advice for a mother living in the States for a short period of time, just one year, should I send my kid to a public school, where my daughter is going to attend here first pre-school year or is this going to have negative effect on her identity and her language acquisition?
Answer
If she is staying in the States only for one year and the mother can get involved a little bit at the school, there should be no harm for her identity and her language acquisition if she sends her daughter to a public school. Assuming that the mother is also dealing with issues such as Christmas and Halloween celebrations with the child explaining to her that these celebrations are not Islamic and we don't do them, and make Eid the real celebration.
Name
s
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Profession
Question
Is it safe to send your kids to a public school in Junior High?
Answer
No, it is not safe, and parents should be really involved. If there is an Islamic school in the area, it is better to send them to an Islamic school. However, parents should do a research, go and visit the school and get to know about the environment of the school as much as they can, because some schools are safer than others, depending on the area you are living in. If they decide to send their child to a public school, they need to be close to the child to be aware of what is going on in the school and compensate for building the good Islamic values in him.
Name
Hamil
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Profession
Question
How do we balance the need fo Islamic teachings and interaction into Canadian society?
Answer
For the parents to be able to balance the two: Islamic personality and being able to interact with the mainstream non-Muslim Canadian society, they get to parent their kids so they have strong Islamic identity and strong self-confidence. This way the child will find it possible to go and mix with non-Muslims and then excuse himself when a non-Islamic act is taking place. For example, if the child is at recess time at the school and he hears his friends saying a swear word, he will be able to either tell them not to say these words in front of him or, if he can't say that, he will excuse himself and leave the group temporary. So the child will keep mixing with the mainstream non-Muslim, but whenever something un-Islamic is taking place, he will put his Islamic identity ahead of being with his friends. That takes self-confidence from the child's side and very close relationship with his parents where they sit with him and listen to what went through the day when he was out, provide comfort and support for him.
Also, providing alternatives of Muslim groups where he can mix more with children of his own age who share the same values as him. Plenty of practical tips for parents to use to make sure that their children grow up with strong Islamic confidence could be found in chapter 1 in the book Islamic Parenting in the West, and chapter four in the book Muslim Teens.
Name
Mona
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Profession
Question
How to deal with a jealous child who likes to have everything for himself?
Answer
Treating all children with fairness and having clear general rules for the family and children will cut down on a lot of jealousy problems. Also, a child who seems jealous sometimes needs reassurance of the parents' love. The parents will tell the child that they love him, but they have the duty of raising him as a good person; however the parents still going to reinforce the rule. For more details or for a clearer answer, please let us know examples of the child's age and examples of his behavior.
These are general rules, but if you want a more specific answer, please tell us more about the child's case and examples of his behavior.
Name
Aishaa
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Profession
Question
We are new Muslims as of 3 and 1/2 months, and I find it somewhat difficult to find an equal middle that the children will not regret their own choice to convert. My daughter has just entered Junior High and she started wearing hijab proudly to school even though she is 12. She met some Muslim girls who were raised as Muslims since birth but they do not wear hijab. My question is how am I to encourage my daughter to wear her hijab when the girls who were born Muslims do not. Now she does not wear it and she wishes to go to school dances with them at night. I will not permit this because for me she is too young to attend dances at night but they only remain too young for a period of time. What shall I do?
Answer
We commend the sister for making the right decision and trying to make her children adhere to the Islamic values.
As for how to help your children follow Islamic rules, please keep searching for families who are committed to Islam and apply its rules even if their children do not go to your daughter's school. They could meet with these families through the mosque in your town or city, or even through Islamic conferences. Help your children to make friends with the children whom you meet somewhere who are committed to Islam and stay in touch with them, either on weekly basis if they live in the same city or on nearly basis if you meet them through conferences. Of course they can e-mail each other and share their experiences.
Explain to your children that not all Muslims are committed to Islam fully, but she would like for them to be around those who are committed to Islam, because those are the people of paradise. Getting your children to be part of a youth group in your area, and going to Islamic camps in summer and during winter break are going to help tremendously.
Keep a close relationship between you and your children where you listen to the reasons why they want to go to the dance. Explain to them that the dance is not going to help them to be good people, and that Allah SWT has much more better reward in the Paradise. Keep working on it and don't feel insecure when their pain is not gone as long as you are reassuring them and doing the abovementioned things.
A twelve year old is at the beginning of adolescence age, and the most important thing for her is the approval of her peers. As a mother, you should do some readings to understand the changes that take place in adolescence age and how to treat her Islamically. This will be of great help in dealing with the problem. Detailed information could be found in the book Muslim Teens.
Name
Samar
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Profession
Question
In one of your answers now you said some schools are safer than others. When do you describe a school as "safe"?
Answer
When there is no drug trafficking taking place, no violence, and also when there is acceptance of cultural differences, and valuing respect for everybody, then the school is safe and the parents still have to work with their teens to ensure that they are not going to go with the mainstream culture and be able to keep their identity and not minding being different.
Name
Nabila
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Profession
Question
How do you deal with dating problems in high schools? Is there any possibility to handle the problem as a mother or as a teacher? I am both.
Answer
For a Muslim teen who is going to high school surrounded by dating and dances from fellow students, it is very difficult to stand different and not to do what everybody else is doing. That youth needs to be involved with another group of young people of his own age who are living by the Islamic value system rules. This will happen through camps and youth groups on a regular basis and close relationship with an adult in his life, preferably his parents or the youth group leader. He also needs to be participating in activities such as hiking, nature trips, sports, and so on.
So, as a teacher and a mother, you can ensure that there is such a youth group in your area, and perhaps you can lead one or facilitate the formation of one.
Dialoguing with your teens in a very calm and loving way about the dangerous situation that Muslims could get into because of dating in a way that could touch their hearts, like what the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) did with the young man who asked him allowance for fornication. Have an open heart, listen, dialogue, and suspend your judgment when you deal with this age group.
Explain to the teens and also ask them about the purpose of dating while they are still at the teen year. The purpose of a man and a woman to get to know each other should be for marriage. As they are so young, then there is no really no purpose for the youth to start this so early. When youth start dating so early, in many times they end up having a baby, and that baby has no father or mother to care for him, which is not fair for the baby and no one should cause this to happen. When people are ready for marriage and are able to take the responsibility of it, such as supporting themselves financially and able to care for their children, at that stage only they can start pursuing marriage in the proper way.
These ideas are to be discussed in a way that will suit the youth to get them to think about dating as a serious matter and to be interested to do it just because others are doing so.
Name
Mac
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Profession
Question
How can we prepare our children for Ramadan although they are surrounded by un-Islamic school environment?
Answer
To prepare the children for Ramadan, start one month ahead or whatever time that is left before Ramadan by talking to the children about how excited you are for Ramadan to be coming soon insha'Allah. According to the age group of the child, explain to them why Ramadan is so beautiful and good for us, about Ramadan being the time for sins to be forgiven, and reward to be earned, and as an opportunity that it is easier to do good deeds. If the children are young, read to them some Islamic books about Ramadan. There are lots of books available in this regard.
If the children are older, read with them the different hadiths and verses from the Qur'an that talk about the benefits and special privileges that Ramadan provides for us.
Also discuss with your children some plans that they would like to do during Ramadan time, such as visiting or hosting some families or their friends, going to community Iftar, and perhaps going to the mosque in the weekends for praying Taraweeh.
Also, prepare some special food or deserts that they would like you to prepare during Ramadan, some special family time that you would have as a family during Ramadan. If the children are young, play some games with them that celebrate Ramadan time and sing some songs with them about Ramadan. Prepare some art work about Ramadan that you do at home with them, decorate the house and the rooms with their art work and make it very obvious that it is a special time all through the house. Young children could participate in fasting by asking them if they would like to fast after breakfast for a couple of hours or until lunch time or dinner time depending on the child's age with the parents making a big deal of it encouraging the children so much and telling everybody in the family that they did fast in this period of time, and that they are good Muslims and Allah has given them a lot of reward and it has got written in their book of good deeds.
Name
Editor
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Profession
Answer
Finally, we would like to thank our guest for speaking to IslamOnline viewers today, and we also thank all those who participated in this dialogue. We apologize for not being able to accommodate all the questions within the time allocated to this session. We request our readers to join us in the upcoming sessions.
