The session has just started. Please feel free to join us with your questions on family and gender.
Answer
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Name
T
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Profession
Question
May one hope that our beloved religion will create opportunities for our afflicted victims to find peace and harmony away the sexual abuse prevalent in secular societies. I pray often for this to occur.
(My Lord! Expand my chest for me, and ease my task for me, and loosen the knot from my tongue that they understand my words) (Taha 20: 18-21)
I am excited at opportunities when we can talk openly about sexual abuse. Abuse occurs in every society and in can occur anywhere.
I always remember being told that Islam is perfect, not Muslims. That in being Muslim we STRIVE our whole lives to being better and that in that process of trying and making mistakes, we develop into honorable people because we learn humility and success.
In terms of places to heal, I think it is necessary for us to have healing talks in all places including our mosques and cultural ceneters and to also see psychotherapy when we need it.
Name
T
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Profession
Question
Are you optimistic or pessimistic regarding the frequency or infrequency statistical analysis in or about the past and also in the near and distant near future?
Answer
Your question is not related to our discussion and is unclear. Please rephrase and submit should you be interested in participation in our discussion today. Thank you.
Name
Mohammad
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Profession
Military K.P.
Question
May one ever say that there is a cure? or is it a chronic disorder that my subordinates must discover a way to deal with its resolution?
(My Lord! Expand my chest for me, and ease my task for me, and loosen the knot from my tongue that they understand my words.)
Dear brother in Islam,
I will assume that you are talking about sexual abuse, when you refer to a chronic disorder. And I assure you that dealing with sexual abuse cannot be something that only your "subordiantes" deal with.
Sexual abuse is not a disorder as much as it is an unfortunate experience that individuals indure. As many people try to heal themselves, they try to realign what they feel has been damaged and just like trying to realign a broken bone, it doesn't always work like one intends.
There is healing POTENTIAL in every human exchange that we have. Non-judgmeental and empathic relationships can be all the therapy that some need. Sometimes and often, there needs to be more professional involvment. Particularly in the case of sexual abuse because it is complex.
Name
H
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Profession
Druggist
Question
What anti-depressants do you recommend to your patients who confront this problem?
My Lord! Expand my chest for me, and ease my task for me, and loosen the knot from my tongue that they understand my words.
If individuals are interested is psychotripic medication, they should seek consultation with their family doctor or psychiatrist.
Name
M
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Profession
Question
I am a victim of sexual abuse by my own mother. And, also by other men. I
know that in Islam, we must honor our parents, but I am trapped between
protecting myself and trying my best to honor my mother. Everyone has told
me that I should remove myself from that environment. What should I do?
My Lord! Expand my chest for me, and ease my task for me, and loosen the knot from my tongue that they understand my words.
Dear M,
I am so sadened and sorry to hear of your experiences. I am not certain how old you are, or even what your gender is, and so my answers will be more general.
Firstly, it is very important that you are safe and avoid experiencing further harm by others. If your well being is at risk, I think it that should be your number 1 priority.
You ask about conflicted feelings between protecting yourself versus honoring your mother and I am troubled even by that dichotomy. In a healthy realtionship, protecting one's self does not take away from honoring another and conversly, honoring another should not render one unsafe.
Depending on your age, and your life circumstances, and whether the abuse continues to happen, I would recommend seeking local counsel to figure out what to do as without detailed iformation it is hard for me to recommend very much.
I would like to emphasize the importance of your saftey and prevention from further abuse.
May Allah help you and be with you.
Name
R
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Profession
Linguist
Question
Esteemed and respected Professor -- whatever brought you to such a distasteful topic of expertise?
My Lord! Expand my chest for me, and ease my task for me, and loosen the knot from my tongue that they understand my words.
My degree is in Clinical Psychology and within that is a lot of different topics and areas of expertise. If I shared your belief that this was a "distasteful" topic, then perhaps I would not have chosen this as my life's work.
Whether we think it distasteful or not, sexual abuse is happening and whether you know it or not, there are individuals close to you that have likely been affected. It is important that individuals wanting to heal are recieved by professionals who don't view their experience as distateful, and instead view them as whole individuals capable of sucess and happiness.
Name
Islam
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Profession
student
Question
As-salamu 'alaykum,
I am a Muslim girl currently at the age of 17 and a college student in the UK. I am alhamdulilallah a daughter in a muslim family living with my parents and younger brother of 15.
However, I am not contented. Ever since I could remember my parents were very strict on what we could and could not do, but did not explain why. As a child I of course listened to what they said, and did what I had to do without questioning. But as I have grown older, I have come to question things a lot more. Now if my father is to say that something must be done in a certain way, I would ask why. This is where our arguments or differences have stemmed from. I want to know why, but I never get a response to any of my questions. I am very frustrated, and often depressed. But this is not my only worry.
My father is not the type of man to shout or hit, most of his actions are silent. If he is angry he may just not answer you or speak, or simply leave the room. There has never been a dialogue between us that has been productive, and this annoys me greatly as I want to discuss why I cannot do a certain thing, but he will not explain. It is almost as if he expects me to understand why. With time, I have realized that I myself have taken up this trait, and find my self doing exactly as my father does with myself with other people, and this concerns me. Please tell me what I can do about this?
Ever since I was young my father has reinforced education and study into us, and I have always alhamdulilallah done well in my studies, but our relationship has often ended at that. I have felt that my parents have never been interested in me as a person, with my own interests, ambitions, desires or personal qualities.
As a child this attitude turned me into a very ‘sad’ character. I had very little to no outside interests apart from my studies. As I grew older I found myself different to everyone else, and could see that I did not have very many friends. I decided that I would seek the desires that I had, and take out side interests. I began playing for the school sporting teams, got involved in school activities outside the curriculum, (all of which I found I was very good at), and generally became a very well rounded person alhamdulilallah.
Yet, my parents still take no interest in anything that I do or have done. But the problem does not end here. As I have grown older, I have also come to realize that my parents also do not congratulate me on my academic achievements. I went through a period of great stress for over 2 years while studying at school because of the low standard of teaching which meant that all the work had to be done by myself. At the end of it I got my GCSEs (or general certificate of secondary education) I achieved 8 A*, an (A) and 1 (B) grade. I understand that you do not understand what this means, but basically I am in the top 5 or so% of people in the UK to achieve this. I was of course very happy, but became very depressed after sharing this information with my parents. I basically got no answer, they were not even smiling, in fact my father seemed to be frowning for some reason which I still cannot understand.
This sort of feedback has been going on for years now, to the extent which I am reluctant to tell them any achievements I have, even what plans I have. I often cry myself to sleep at nights without anyone knowing. I have become very emotionally unstable, often finding my self laughing or crying over things but I do not know why.
I understand that my father has many other things in his mind and often he and my mother are very stressed, but I really do not believe that this should effect our relationship or family life. I often sit for hours thinking things over, often convincing myself that what is happening is normal and that I am simply over exaggerating everything. I really don’t know what to think anymore….I really need some guidance but don’t know were to turn. I am a practicing muslim and my salah and du`aa to Allah swt helps me to calm down and think, but these problems keep occurring. Please help me I would very much appreciate it. If it is possible can I have a contact email address of yours or anyone else that you think I can speak to about my thoughts?
I love my parents very much but feel that we are not as close as we should be. As all parents if asked they say of course they love us, but I have never really felt this love or affection. My father is always working whether it is at work or at home, so there is very little interaction, and my mother too does not seem concerned with the details of what we do. Unfortunately over the years I have seen this neglect make the worst out of my brother who is now heavily influenced by bad friends outside the home. Slowly I see myself disconnecting from my parents, and I do not want this to happen. It pains me to speak about things to them now even when they do ask me about things. I don’t know if this is the Satan, but I am finding it very difficult. Often I feel ignored when I speak to them but I receive no answer, not even any eye contact. I feel isolated, but have nobody to speak to.
My Lord! Expand my chest for me, and ease my task for me, and loosen the knot from my tongue that they understand my words.
While your inquiry is not regarding our topic today of sexual abuse, it does appear related to emotional neglect and abuse.
I assure you that I do not think you are exaggerating, nor do I think that Satan is the culprit. I do think that is normal in the sense that "these things happen". I applaud you on knowing that something is wrong and not smothering your needs for more affection and connectedness from your parents. I also congratulate you on very emotionally healthy ideals in terms of parents getting to know their children and praising them and so on.
Frankly, I could not give you advice and say implement this or that, as it makes you responsible for the whole RELATIONSHIP. Realize my use of the word relationship- yes, you are in a relationship with your parents, albeit an indirect and confusing one, it is still a relationship. How they are acting with you is likely an interplay of many factors and mostly has to do with who they are as people and how they deal with the complexities of the world. Some of us when realizing complexity, think it interesting and subsequently get curious and ask more questions. Others assign negative attributes to complexity such as thinking it will make this "too hard", or "unsolvable", and when that happens, it is met with behavior such as suppression, shushing, and avoidance.
In addition, often times Muslim parents that raise their children in the west, are very conscientious about their children being "safe" and having all they need to be "successful". Because of oversight, they forget that the most influential protective factors are those at home. Too often parents nitpick about what is wrong and forget to celebrate what is right! This sends their chidren the message that the good doesn't matter, but they don't realize that because they are too focused on the forest to notice the trees.
While some might advise you to open your heart to your parents about what your hopes for your relationship with them are, I would encourage you to do so only if you can be prepared for a lack of responsivness from them, so that you don't crumble if they don't respond. Your family seems like it would greatly benefit from some family therapy; however, if they are not cofmortable with that, I would encourage you to at least see a counselor yourself. Getting an email of an Islamonline counselor is really not going to be as benefitial to you as having psychotherapist who you could meet with one a weekly basis.
I ask Allah to help you in your time of need. Please write back should you be looking for more information or guidance.
Name
M Asad
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Profession
Student
Question
My dear sister , As-salamo `alaykum
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to write to you and benefit from your esteemed knowledge. Don't you think that we have made an issue out of this, i.e. Sexuals scars? I mean we are giving it a great deal of importance, meaning that it's okay, we just seek refuge in Allah and get over with it?
My Lord! Expand my chest for me, and ease my task for me, and loosen the knot from my tongue that they understand my words.
Dear brother in Islam,
Thank you for your question. When I work with Muslim clients, I often get a lot of people that are conflicted with why they can't just accept what has happened and have enough faith (Iman) to get over it.
It is always great to seek refuge in Allah, and psychology is not apposed to that. We cannot tell people how to hurt and as such, cannot force them to heal in a way that doesn't heal them. When we look at the beloved Prophet Muhammed (pbuh), we realize that he did not cast a stick at people and command them to seek refuge in Allah. He was gentle, wise, and reflective. There is a strong emphasis on gentleness of language and being the mirrors for one another.
We did not make the issue of sexual abuse. The individuals that chose to do this to others have made it an issue. If you chose to hide it in the closet or look at it, it is still there. Healing from it helps us heal from other probelms that result from it, including but not limited to: sexual problems in marriage, parenting issues, depression, anxiety, etc.
In my work with many Muslims, their goal has often been to re-establish their relationship with Allah, because the fitna or test of what they have been through severed that tie.
Name
Anon
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Profession
Question
As-salamo `Alaykum
I was subject to abuse when I was young and now I have such anger fits against my family, specifically my parents. Somehow I blame them for being unshielded and prone to emotional and physical abuse. How can I overcome this?
Answer
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My Lord! Expand my chest for me, and ease my task for me, and loosen the knot from my tongue that they understand my words.
Bismillahi Ar-Rahman Ar-Rahim
It is very normal to experience anger with one's parents for not protecting them from the abuse. Sometimes this anger is warranted in the sense that the parents were neglectful of the child, and other times, they could not have known.
Nonetheless, it is a stage of your self trying to heal itself. In that process, individuals blame themselves (why was I there, why didn't I make them stop), their bodies (why was I too attractive, why did I wear this or that), then blame their parents, and eventually hold the perpetrator accountable for what they chose to do.
I strongly recommend psychotherapy in working through sexual abuse. You may also want to consider a treatment called EMDR and can research it on EMDR as it has been found successful in the treatment of trauma. I have worked with many survivors of sexual abuse and have seen them heal and move past this horrible experience, insha`Allah you will too.
Name
N
- Norway
Profession
Question
I am 25 years old and have been married for 6 months. I am Norwegian and my husband is Pakistani. We do not have any common understanding whatosoever and I cannot envisage spending the rest of my life with him.
I am not happy and am committing a sin in the eyes of Allah, because my husband is not happy with me either. He constantly emotionally abuses me and his behaviour is unacceptable. As an example, he will beat himself with a belt at 2:00AM in the morning and blame me for his actions. Yesterday, he drank a whole bottle of cough mixture and said that he was trying to have a heart attack.
Over time, I became very ill as a result of his behavior and constantly suffer from low blood pressure and depression. I am a lawyer and I am obliged to give him all of my salary for a loan that he has taken out. I have already given him all of my savings that I had prior to marriage and he has also borrowed money from my father.
He says that it is alright for him to do this, because I belong to him and so everything that I own belongs to him too. He blames me constantly for his behavior and he never feels guilty. We are living in Dubai, however, my family is all in Norway.
He refuses to allow me to visit them unless there is something serious that happens. My parents and family are desperate to see me and are aware of some but not all of his behavioral problems. He disrespects my parents and constantly attempts to undermine them.
I cannot tolerate his behaviour anymore but I find it difficult to leave him because of the effect that it will have on him. He is very dependent on me and very possessive. I do not know what to do and have no one to turn to.
My Lord! Expand my chest for me, and ease my task for me, and loosen the knot from my tongue that they understand my words.
Bismillahi Ar-Rahman Ar-Raheem
Dear sister,
While your question is not related to our topic regarding sexual abuse, it appears that you are really hurt.
Your husband, as you describe him, sounds very disturbed. I would encourage you to do right by Allah most high and not worry so much about whether your husband is pleased with you. His expectations are not appropriate and as a Muslima you are not to obey anyone if what they command is opposed to Allah's teachings.
Allah does not oppress and He does not accept for people to oppress each other or even themselves. My sister, what you are living in is a case of terrible domestic violence and abuse and it is fine to treat it as such.
Often times our sisters that are reverts to Islam need help deciphering what is Islam and what is not, and this sounds like psychopathology. I would encourage you to see a psychotherapist to help you keep strong during this time. Also, you may want to seek the counsel of a trusted Imam. Manipulation and abuse are not part of an Islamic marriage. Islam, allows for divorce and it is for cases like yours that are hurtful. I am not saying that you should divorce, as that is not something I can advise anyone towards or against; rather, I want to validate your experiences and assure you that you are appropriately distressed.
May Allah help you in your time of need.
Name
John
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
I was a victim of sexual molestation when I was young and the perpetrators were 2 older students. At the age of 13, the perpetrator was our neighbor. At 55 his friend who was 70 years old and others. I learned about the later effect of sexual molestation just this year through the internet. I tortured my children for several years, I used to make them do things by force, but not any more especially after learning the source of my problems after reading some articles I found on the internet on abuse etc. I found some help in what I read. Are there Islamic resources for healing? Please advise.
My Lord! Expand my chest for me, and ease my task for me, and loosen the knot from my tongue that they understand my words.
I am sorry for your suffering. I congratulate you on your discoveries as to how this has impacted your life choices. No matter how late it is, it is great to gain insight. I am not aware of Islamic literature in regards to this type of healing. I see Islamic communities still in the accepting and learning stages. For the longest time our communities did not recognize sexual abuse as something that could happen in an Islamic society and now there is more awareness, though more confusion with how and why it happens.
Thank you for your inquiry, I hope that it inspires fellow psychotherapists to think about publications that address healing from an Islamic vantage.
I strongly recommend that you seek the help of a psychotherapist. You can greatly increase the rate at which you heal and subsequently lessen your suffering. If you can find a Muslim therapist that is great; however, do not let stop you from help that is much needed.
May Allah help you.
Name
Hwaa
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Profession
Question
As salamu 'alaykum sister Layla
There is still a general tendency to blame the girl/women for "allowing" herself to be abused. This belief does not only come from men, but also women. Please comment
My Lord! Expand my chest for me, and ease my task for me, and loosen the knot from my tongue that they understand my words.
Dear sister Hwaa,
Thank you for bringing up such a common phenomenon. There is a great tendency to blame the female for allowing herself to be sexually abused and I see the reason or explanation as being two fold.
Firstly, it is always easier for a people to blame a victim. The victims is present before them, whereas the perpetrator is unknown or hard to talk to. The pain that the listener (mostly parents) experience is excruciating and they try to think of how this could have been different. In that desperate attempt to wish it didn't happen, the only person they can cast blame on is the victim. If only they weren't there, if only they didn't dress that way, if only they could have fought more. Of course the impact of such victim blaming has been found to often times be more devastating, and having more long term adverse affects than the abuse itself.
Secondly, I think that the cultural view of women makes the blaming of women too easy. Our cultures, even western ones, view the woman as the acceptor or the denier of sexual advances and do not see her in the role of a pursuer. As such, they are not recognizing a woman's healthy and natural need for sexual fulfillment. A man is seen as the one that struggles with this desire, and the woman who is void of it, is then solely responsible for moderating the man's control over his desires.
If a man rapes a woman, then often times it is seen as her fault because she "let" him do it. In addition, because of this eternal virgin way of look at women, they are seen as representing the honor of themselves and their families. In the case of honor there is the cultural expectation that she would die to protect this honor. It is curious how this construct would be different had a woman not been created with a hymen?!
I think that things are changing for the better inshallah. A healthy man with healthy sexuality would never rape a woman. Rape is not about sexual gratification that comes from attraction, as much as it is about sexual gratification that comes from the abuse of power and control.
The best thing to do when someone comes to them and reports being sexually abused is to listen to them and hold them for as long as they need. The victim often feels dirty and bad and hates their body and their self. They replay the abuse over and over and think of ways it could have been different and this “what if” is a source of a lot of torment. If the parent is having issues, they need to seek the guidance of a counselor or someone besides their child to talk about those feelings with, as their child is too vulnerable to support them and all the issues that come up with them.
I also would like to emphasize that both boys and girls are sexually abused, although the rate for girls appears higher. Further, men and women are perpetrators of abuse against each gender and this does not mean that they are gay or lesbian, it just means that this is how they perpetrate abuse (all the more reason not to think of sexual abuse as a sexual “relationship”).
I cannot emphasize enough how important psychotherapy is for children and their parents alike.
Name
Islam
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Profession
student
Question
As-salamu `alaykum sister,
Thank you for your response. I would just like to ask you how I could get in touch with a couselor? Will this service be free of charge or do I have to pay for the sessions because I don't really understand how the system works?
Also, you said that I should perhaps think about speaking to my parents, but what should I do if there is no response? Do you think it is a good idea for me to not tell my parents and use a muslim helpline to speak to someone?
so many question I am sorry sister. I hope you can respond....
My Lord! Expand my chest for me, and ease my task for me, and loosen the knot from my tongue that they understand my words.
Dear sister,
You can look for a counselor in your local area through your school, medical insurance, or sometimes there are free walk in places. In terms of talking to your parents, it is likely that they would not respond and it is going to be important that you can live with that. As such, if you know that their lack of a response will hurt you, don't feel like you have to say anything. If there is a Muslim helpline that you can use, that is wonderful, though here in the USA, I'm not sure that we have much of that going on.
May Allah guide you and be with you.
Name
Host
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Profession
Question
Finally, we would like to thank Dr. Layla Asamari for taking the time to answer the questions of Islamonline viewers today, and we also thank all those who participated in this dialogue.
