I am a 25 years old girl, single and have a weird and a very embarrasing problem: when I sleep, my mouth gets wide open and I start snoring!! I do not know if this question is appropriate in this session, but i actually do not know who to address it to.
Does my problem have to do something with my stress or state of depression which I do undergo under various situations; or does it have to do something with the fact that I think/imagine a lot before going to sleep? Please advise a proper solution. I do not want to remain with this problem after getting married!
Answer
Salaam Sister Salamat,
This is a very appropriate question. This is a physiological problem. It may be related to stress, in that you may be falling into a very deep sleep when you are very tired. However, it is also a good idea to talk with a medical doctor just to rule out any medical indications. Often there are simple devises and or processes/procedures that a medical doctor can provide you to alleviate the situation if it become too problematic for you.
Salaam,
Dr. Maryam
Name
S
-
Profession
Question
Asalam alaikum Dr.
It seems like I have a bad temper. Sometimes, because of something somebody says (often my mother!) I can just become so angry and throw a fit. I feel like losing control, and immediately I feel bad and feel like I need to repent. How can I stop this behavior and take control over myself when something I don't like is said?
Answer
Salaam S,
You are aware and that is the first step. I want you to be nice to yourself as changing a habit takes patients, and time. You have already identified your trigger and that is terrific! The next step is to develop a mechanism that will distract you long enough to buy you time before you react to you anger so that you can calm down and address your feelings in a more constructive manner. You feelings are valid, and you will want to learn a constructive way to express those feelings. This is something we can work on.
For now, just for this next week, I want you to draw a picture of a STOP SIGN... then meditate on it (stare at it for two minutes)...get that picture firmly planted in your mind... each morning, tell yourself that you are going to say "STOP" as soon as you begin to feel or sense any feelings of physiological signs of anger..such as shortness of breath, feeling flushed or hot, dizzy, racing thoughts, tuning out... The other thing I want you to do that corresponds with this exercise is to write down just what those physiological responses to anger are... One you have mastered the art of stopping yourself and calming down in the "heat of the moment"...we can work on writing our your feelings and translating that into constructive communication between you and your mother. Be patient with yourself. This is all easier said than done, we are human and on this journey together.
Write in next week and tell me if you have done this work.
Salaam,
Dr. maryam
Name
Hafsa
- India
Profession
CSR
Question
Assalamalikum Dr.,
I am a 24 yrs old female going through a bad phase in my life. My problem began when the person whom I loved and wished to marry since past 5 yrs eventually left me and got married elsewhere. Later I found out that 2-3 people who claim to be Aalim, had told him that our marriage is not possible and even if we get married our relation would not last for more than a year. He cited this as a reason for our marriage not taking place and said that Allah has not willed so. I don't trust what they have said. I am just too hurt .Although I know that Allah had HIS own ways that our marriage could not take place , but even now I hope and pray for my destiny to change and for me to get him back. Am I wrong in praying that I get him back in my life. Am I being selfish by asking this? am I indirectly praying for spoiling that girls' life ? Am I a criminal if I am praying like this.... am I mad if I still hope that Allah Will someday bring him back to me?...
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Sister Hafsa,
Please be kind to yourself and know that Allah is Merciful. Allah knows your heart and that you are hurt. I certainly cannot speak for Allah... I am a mere Muslimah, but my intuition is that your prayers might not be answered. If this is the case, it is not because you are bad or wrong for feeling the way you feel, or even for praying for what you feel you need in order to be happy...but because Allah knows best.
It is time now to pray for healing of your heart and hurt. Ask Allah to remove this pain from our soul and to give you new life and new hope. Allah is the source of LOVE and Allah is the source of healing. Your life turned in a direction that you did not expect, but turn it did. You are now facing an unknown path and a journey unplanned. Ask Allah to walk with you. Please keep writing in here. I would like to hear from you next week.
Salaam,
Dr. Maryam
Name
Faduma
- Canada
Profession
student
Question
Assalamu Alaiykum wa rahmatu Allahi wa barakatu dear counselor, my questions to you are:
1)what are the main obstacles a couple may face in an interrcultural marriage?
2)what would you advise a sister eager to marry outside her culture yet doesn't like change or adapts to different environments quickly?
Answer
Salaam Faduma,
This question would take at least a book to address! Still, I can make some brief comments.
First, the good news: human nature is universal... we all have the same basic needs.
Now, the bad news: the way we communicate our needs and wants, our love, etc...can be very different....and this is the main problem in an intercultural marriage. The solution is to learn each other's communication style... which usually takes some time...both partners in the marriage need t be consciously devoted to this project..
then there are the cultural traditions, for many people, this is actually the fun part of assimilating into a new culture. Learning customs and symbols, and dressing in new clothes and eating new food, this can all be very exciting. Still, no doubt, eventually the one who is doing the most changing will likely miss her own food, clothing, traditions etc... It will be helpful if your sister's husband is willing to be flexible and patient with this and allow your sister to slowly integrate his culture into her way of life and make a slow and smooth transition, while allowing her to keep some of her "favorite things". Also, perhaps your sister's future husband might be willing to try new things also. For example, perhaps me would be willing to eat food from her culture one night a week?
Food for thought,
Salaam,
Dr. Maryam
Name
Marina
-
Profession
Question
Salam doctor!
I think my destiny is only suffering.When I think the moments of my life I was happy,I can count them only in one hand.Everything for me is hard to achieve.And when I achieve I lost or it's impossible.Nowadays I'm feeling the useless person in the universe.I do not know why God put me on earth.I have no pleasures in life.Today I was waiting for my death.I am discouraged of doing anything.I find everything with no joy.I've disappointed with people.I stay all day long at home doing housework,when I do,and have no friends anymore.I know already what they are and they disappointed me.I do not trust anybody.I am in my fifties and there's no hope for me.I need to trust someone.I am the most lonely person in the world.What I am doing in it still?It's being difficult for even to go to a supermarket or a shop.If I buy something, I need to change or I do not like it.I do not like me although I know I am a good person.Please, if there's an exit for me,tell me.I think the world will be better without me.I am the problem.Is there any hope for me?What should I do?I lost my capacity for decisions.I am so weak!
Thank you very much for your answer in advance.
Answer
Salaam Sister Marina,
Thank you soo much for writing in today,
Please tell me how long you have been feeling this way? Also, how is your appetite and sleeping?
You sound really depressed. I would like you to keep writing in to me, but I also really want you to make an appointment with a therapist face to face as soon as you possibly can.
If you are thinking suicidal thoughts, you must call a therapist in your area today.
I am glad that you can see what a good person that you are. Please write to me soon at Dr.Maryamiol@live.com. I will be waiting for your e-mail.
Salaam,
Dr. Maryam
Name
sana
- Pakistan
Profession
student
Question
salam Dr.,
I started reading quran with tarjuma but it is too difficult to understand. Can you please tell me I could get an easy tafseer on every topic. Plus I want to ask you,"does Jinn really exist and how they live with us in this world?
Answer
Salaam Sana,
These are all such excellent questions. There are so many means that you can get an easy tasfeer online and offline. However, It would be best if you submit this question to our esteemed Scholars to ensure that you are guided to a qualified site. You can go to "ask the Scholar" on this website:
Also, I believe you might enjoy the Islam Radio that you can find on this website where as there are Quarnic Recitation, Islamic Teachings, Friday Khutbas and more. Finally, Take a look at our Reading Islam. You will learn ALOT there (I did). There is a section in Reading Islam called "Ask About Islam" this is a another good source where you can find good guidance and resources.
As for the jinn. It is my understanding that the Quran does say that we do have jinn among us. Again, I am not a qualified scholar, and must stay within my own area of expertise. Do Inquire more about this very interesting subject with our Esteemed Scholars:
Can you give me some insight from your point of view as a female Muslims, on what is the right way to interact with men. I find myself often being in between too intimate and too distant; I find it hard to strike a balance. I think it's important to respect myself to be respected, but does this mean no interaction at all? How do men look at women in this regard?
Thanks a lot.
Answer
Salaam Sara,
This is a very sensitive area for our contemporary times. Since the Ummah itself has such a wide range of opinion about this matter, there does not seem to be a consensus. I can only give you my own personal bias.
Men, be patient with me. Sara, men are tricky. Be careful. Always be modest, and don't be too friendly. Regardless of what they say, they will often interpret your friendliness to be some kind of "invitation" that you don't mean to be giving them. More distant is smarter. Think of men that you encounter often in your daily life as wonderful colleagues, and keep it at that. Don't talk with men that you don't know. This way, no one gets confused, and you don't lose yourself respect.
Salaam,
Dr. Maryam
Name
anas.a
- India
Profession
teacher
Question
asslamu alaikum warahmathulla,
What is your opinion for a woman to participate in public conferences?
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Anas.a,
Note that you asked for my opinion. I am happy to give you my opinion, however, I would also defer to our respected Scholars if I found my opinion were different than theirs and they are much more qualified to speak on this subject than me:
With the knowledge that I have as a sister Muslimah I see no reason why a woman could not participate in a public conference if her expertise and consultation were requested and if her husband had no objection.
For a Fatwa on this matter please submit this question to our Esteemed Scholars to our Ask the Scholar Section:
http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellite?cid=1118742803355&pagename=IslamOnline-English-Ask_Scholar/Page/FatwaCounselE
Salaam,
Dr. Maryam
Name
salam
- Australia
Profession
Question
Salam Dr.,
Sorry to annoy you again... but just one last thing. My mum believes that my dad is acting weird and different towards her because of the fact that so many of her family members are getting divorced and therefore, he feels embarrassed to be associated with the family.
I'm not sure if that makes sense? I'm not sure... I'm just soo worried...
Answer
Salaam,
You are certainly not annoying me. It is my pleasure to respond to you as I truly enjoy interacting with you.
Please tell me what your Dad is doing that seems "weird" Try to describe the behaviors so that I can "see" them from here. What is he saying, doing etc.
Has your mother actually asked him why he is behaving the way he is behaving?
Tell me exactly what is worrying you.
Salaam,
Dr. Maryam
Name
Anonymous
- Bangladesh
Profession
Student
Question
Dear Dr.
As salamu alaikum. Hope you are fine by the blessing of almighty Allah. No doubt you are always overwhelmed with breathless busyness. Jazhakumullah Khair for your magnanimous support to us. I know if I were in your state, I would collapse in a few days. This is the problem I would like to seek some suggestion for from you.
I have always been a boy of very cool temperament. But I lost control several times in my life to be impudent with seniors and even with teachers. And of course those were not irrational, I mean, my protest was righteous but sometimes blatant. Alhamdulillah I never became mad in rage as I found my mind capable of judgment in rage even. Like many others I am habituated to tremble in anger. I cannot find anyway in this situation to get rid of it. It does not happen always but I found that I have become short-tempered. I become angry easily if something disconcerts my concentration during my busyness disregarding man or object. I become so irritated that I react very often though it does not persist for long. And I feel dismay for my ill-tempered behavior after that. Sometimes when I meet my supervisor or other respected persons, a fear works in me in that very hour that I might make a mess. I fear these may jeopardize my career while in a job.
I want to overcome this problem with some others, you know, a mental torture extorted me few days ago. Sometimes I think that Allah wanted me to be matured through these odd events. Sometimes I feel very helpless. I understood finally that the purpose of love is to keep a relationship tight. But we mistakenly and being motivated by the literature and trends set up by persons, blind with lust, run behind this illusion. Thus we go for wrong relationship and it does not persist. I am a boy of 26 and I know I should marry to stay away from sins. But I must be patient until I do that.
My problem with ill temperament, I can understand, is for my lacking in patience which associates other disorders. Would you please tell me some secrets which can help me to strengthen my control over temperament and increase my patience?
May Allah bless and save us all.
Answer
Salaam Brother,
Angry outbursts are a result of frustration. Perhaps you are feeling overwhelmed, or feel you are in an unworkable situation. Frustration is often a result of either not getting something you feel you need or deserve, not feeling that you can communicate something you feel is important, or wanting to escape or avoid something that you feel is unfair or unpleasant (like overwhelm, or having more work loaded on us than is possible to complete). In the situation with our superiors, it is likely that you either feel wronged, or you feel you are not being heard, and this is frustrating you. You probably have something very important to say. Perhaps you have insights that you know would make a huge difference if only they would listen to you. Perhaps you are being given more work than what can be done by one person.... Whatever the issues are, first, identify them. I am always recommending using a journal, because it really helps. You don't need to use actual paper, you can use your computer as your journal...
The idea here is to clarify for yourself what you want to communicate to your superiors. Identify what your issues are, and be very specific. Write down the issues, and then under each problem write down a clearly defined possible solution that could be translated into and "operationally defined" objective. By this, I mean, write an objective that would hypothetically be a solution that is clearly defined, observable, and measurable..and definitive solution or strategy to the problem.
Now, take this information and rewrite it in a memo form, much like a business letter. Write it as if you are writing to your supervisors. Re-read what you have written. The final step is to make a proposal. Re-write this some more time and be conscious of the language that your superiors use, be professional, and use the language of your profession and of the management where you work.
Set that aside, and them e-mail your superior and let them know that you have identified some potential problems, and that you would like to submit your proposal for possible solution. Let them know that you understand that you proposal may or may not be considered, but that you would be very grateful if you would consider it.
You will feel better for having expressed yourself in a professional manner . You will be getting practice and you will be learning how to become refined in your career, and you will also gain confidence from this without harming your standing with the agency that you work for. SO, regardless of the management's response, you will have gained from the experience.
Now, if you do not get a response that is satisfying to you, you will want to work through a risk, benefits of staying with the agency. You will want to decide for yourself what action is in your own best interest. It is helpful in career planning to have tentative 2, 5, and 10 years goals, along with your "Plan of Action" and related "To Do" Lists... (these are revised consistently as your situation changes of course). So, when you get the information from your management, (and that is what their response is...information...not personal) then use that information to decide what your next strategic move will be.
By proceeding in the manner, you will not become so angry with your superiors. It is likely that they are simply using strategic planning for their own careers and for the development and facilitation of the Agencies goals as well... let it be fun game, if you will...by keeping career, career, you can enjoy your career...and you can also leave room for friendship, and even for love, marriage, and romance. In other words, make sure that your expectations are realistic, and that you determine to get needs other than career needs met from other sources.
For now, If you made a mistake (and in career, that is all it is... a mistake, like when you were in school learning math, and you added your numbers incorrectly, but with practice mastered the numbers)...then you simply learn, and go on to the next problem. Take a little emotional and mental break, regroup, regenerate, and move on.
As for patients with associates. All I can say, is that whether or not you have patients, the process and procedure of things, and the people that you work with are not going to change. At least, don't count on it. Just learn the process and procedures, and learn the personalities that you are working with. Fine the career world can be a bit stuffy, a place where you cannot be too personal with people, you might also need an emotional outlet... by this I mean friendship. Make sure you are attending your Masjid on Fridays and making friends with healthy pious men. And, don't forget to tell them that you are interested in finding a wife, if you are ready and able for marriage. If you are not, let them know that this is a goal of yours for the future.
One day at a time. Keep writing. If you can be more specific about the "lost control" events, we can look at them in even more depth.
I hope this is helpful,
Salam,
Dr. Maryam
Name
nisma
- Palestine
Profession
Question
Asalamu alaikum Dr.,
If a wife would like to invite female relatives visiting from abroad to her home, but her husband does not want her to do this, does she have to listen to him? Isn't this considered Islamic? He does not have a valid reason for this opinion, just the fact that " a wife must obey her husband in Islam". I have trouble with this logic? what do you think?
Answer
Salaam Sister Nisma,
This is a googd question and our esteemed scholars would be the best resource for the answer to this questions. You can submit it to the "ask the scholar" section on IslamOnline.net.
As a psychologist, my natural inclination is to direct you to look into the quality and effectiveness of the communication that is exchanged between you and your husband. It appears as if there is some kind of power struggle happening here. You can ask our Esteemed Scholars for a Fatwa on this matter and they will tell you the law. And we are always more successful when we subject our egos to the law. But I would also encourage you to work on what is happening in your heart, and between the hearts between you and your husband.
There is always a reason why someone behaves in the manner that they behave in. You do not know why you husband is behaving like this, and perhaps he doesn't either. But all learned behaviors have a function. If you can discover what the function of his prohibiting you from having your friends visit you, then perhaps you will get closer to the "heart of the matter" and will be able to focus on the real issues that are causing this riff between you.
Salaam,
Dr. Maryam
Name
salam
- Australia
Profession
student
Question
Salam Dr.,
I'm a little worried about my family... in particular my mums side of the family. I have 3 aunties and 2 uncles from my mums side of the family... and 2/3 aunties are divorced and 1 of my uncles recently got divorced.. on top of that I have another cousin who is only 23 and got divorced not long ago and another cousin who was engaged.
Is there something wrong with my family ? Now my parents are fighting (ALOT) and I'm scared they will get a divorce because their problems seem to only be getting worst.
I'm not sure if this makes a difference, but all this seemed to happen after my grandmothers (their mum) passed away.... and I don't know if this makes s difference but before she died (may Allah help her) my grandparents were ALWAYS fighting and never got along... could my aunties and uncles picked up their bad relationship style ? But I don't think that could be the case because they got married at such a young age (15yrs) that I don't see how this would work?
Is there something wrong with my family? It's as though we can't form and maintain positive relationships with others? It's bad because people in the community are beginning to gossip saying things like "what is wrong with that family they can never stay married" this sort of thing hurts my aunties....
Will I become like them ? As i recently got engaged but it didn't seem to work out ... and now that family are saying things like "lucky my son and that girl didnt get married, because they would of probably got divorced like the rest of her family" comments like these really hurt, because it does seem each of my aunties have their own individual reasons, and a couple of my aunties were sort of sexually abused as children and i think that might play a role...
How do I maintain relationships with people ? How do I get my parents to get along again they haven't spoken in 5 months and when they do they are constantly fighting. I'm an adult now almost 22yrs old and I don't want my younger siblings to witness my parents bickering as i want them to be able to form and maintain relationships when they get married...
Is there any advice you can give me ? It's really beginning to bring me down, as I feel I'm doomed to failure..
Jazaki Allah kharain
Thank You
Answer
Salaam Sister,
I would not entertain the idea that there is "something wrong" with your family. They may have develop communication styles and coping styles that you prefer not to repeat. You have mentioned a great wealth of information here, and there isn't enough room or time for me to respond intelligently to all if it in this one session.
However, I do want to assure you that you can have a great marriage and you can increase the probability that you will not face divorce. You are wise in your awareness that there may be a pattern that is being repeated. The pattern isn't so simple as simply just "getting divorced," or fighting". Patterns of communication, and coping and interaction etc... are learned from childhood and carried on through generations. A good marriage family counselor can help you sketch out a genograhm and identify pattern and help you see if you have develop any patterns that you would like to change. Additionally, you and your future husband can consciously make an effort to learn good communication skills and consciously practice them together... make it light and fun... practice these skill with subjects that are not sensitive, so that you will have them when sensitive issues arrive.
You have identified the issue even of your grandmother passing away as a trigger... and you are probably right on with that... there may very well be many, many unresolved feeling, emotions, issues, etc that have not been communicated between family members, again as a result of the communication styles that have been used and passed down from generation to generation. If you work with a marriage Family counselor and sketch out the genograhm as I mentioned, you will be so very surprise... I had to do one during my studies, and I was astounded by what I learned...
You are NOT doomed to failure. You are obviously conscious aware awake..and you are motivated.... it really is a matter of learning skills and also learning how to forgive yourself when you don't use the skills perfectly, and to forgive others when they don't use their skills perfectly... Combine these practice tools with faith and put ALLAH first in your life, and you are well on the road to a successful and happy family life inshallah.
Salaam,
Dr. Maryam
Name
GM
-
Profession
Question
Assalamu alaykum wr wb Dr.,
Thank you for hearing us... May Allah bless you sister for your service.
Sister, I am 24 yr old student. I have a problem that I am too much lost in variety of thoughts. I am just lost in thoughts all the time. I have to make a lot of efforts in Salah to concentrate and making my intentions correct. I even have a habit talking to myself even when I am walking on road which I do... My thoughts include on self improvement, the books I read , the people I meet etc... Alhamdulillah I don't have negative thoughts, but too much predominance of thoughts...Am i suffering from some disease?
Can you suggest me how can I be be active , a doer rather than a thinker...
Please...
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam GM,
I doubt that you have a mental disorder. You just have a very active mind. Actually this is very common in very intelligent young people, and it takes practice to learn how to quiet the mind.
Really, you must start journaling. The reason you are believing yourself to be lazy, is likely because you are "frozen". You are overwhelming yourself with your many very bright ideas. So, write them all down. Keep the journal with you so that when your brain starts "going crazy" you can write down your thoughts. This will help to quiet your mind, because it won't fear that it will forget the brilliant thought.
Next, take a time one day per week and train yourself to sit down and write during that time, no matter what. Even if at that time (and it usually starts out this way...it's ok) even if at the time, nothing comes out on paper. Just spend your time at t he desk, at your computer ready to write your thoughts.... nothing comes out...fine... you were there. DO this for about a month, and stuff will start coming out.
If you keep doing this, your thought will eventually become more organized so that you can decide on what you want to turn in to a project. Once you know what you want your project to be, you can then save your "brainstorming" into a file and start with a clean file and focus only on your project.
Just for this week, do the first two assignments: 1. Get a journal and make at least two entries 2. Set aside a time for your "Project Planning" (Your name the sessions) Then Next week, I want you to tell me how you did with these two assignments.
There is one assignment for socializing. I want you to talk to one person that you really care for a lot, and tell them that you really care about them allot. That simple. Next week, report back to me on the Sunday General Session and let me know how this went.
Salaam,
Dr. Maryam
Name
syed
-
Profession
Question
salam,
how to make woman realize importance of hijab.. can you suggest a verse from QURAN and any books to read?
Answer
Salaam Sayed,
Many women don't understand the logic behind Hijab. We have become desensitized and don't even realize that we are being vulnerable to societal abuse! Below are some links to Fatwas from our Esteemed Scholars that might very well prove to be inspiring for you wife. Also, Here are some verses form teh Quran.
“O you Children of Adam! We have bestowed on you raiment to cover your shame as well as to be an adornment to you. But the raiment of righteousness, that is the best. Such are among the Signs of Allah, that they may receive admonition.” (Quran 7:26)
“And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what must ordinarily appear therof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty except to their husbands, their fathers, their husbands' fathers, their sons, their husbands' sons, their brothers, or their brothers' sons or their sisters' sons, or their women or the servants whom their right hands possess, or male servants free of physical needs, or small children who have no sense of the shame of sex, and that they should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments. And O you Believers, turn you all together towards Allah, that you may attain Bliss.” (Quran 24:31).
“O Prophet, tell your wives and your daughters and the women of the believers to draw their cloaks close round them (when they go abroad). That will be better, so that they may be recognized and not annoyed. Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful.” (Quran 33:59)
I am in dire need of a Muslim psychologist as there are absolutely NONE in my area. Are you available for one-on-one counseling? it would be heaven sent if I could have a couple of sessions with you??
May Allah bless you...
Answer
Salaam Sister,
You can contact me at Dr. Bachmeier@yahoo.com
Name
Sara
- Canada
Profession
Financial Advisor
Question
Thank you for your kind words last week, Dr. Bachmeier,
I am having a very very difficult time dealing with my current life situation, especially since i will be turning 40 in about a year's time. On Christmas Eve, the people in my office will be bringing their children to work for the morning. I won't be able to bear it, as I am the only female professional in that office without a partner and without a family. So, I will stay away. Recently, my next door neighbor had a child, and when I arrived home from work there were pink balloons scattered over their front lawn. I did not congratulate them or knock on their door with a gift....I know that is very petty and selfish, and Insha-Allah I will muster up the strength and give the child a gift around Xmas time, but I couldn't do it, I just couldn't.
Perhaps, I may feel better once I am in menopause. Perhaps not. The aggravating factor in all of this is that I do not have a supportive immediate family, i.e. parents and siblings. In fact, my siblings and their children even make fun of me because I am alone. My parents want me to be there to help them now that they are older, and do not want to burden their sons (my brothers).
Thanks again for your patience in answering my questions and for all your words of encouragement. In the words of Bob Dylan, all you can keep doing, is keep going on.
Answer
Salaam Sister Sara,
Your grief is natural and normal. Honestly, as a sister, I can say that I don't understand myself what is going on in our Ummah, and/or where many or our brothers are putting their priorities, or why. I also know it is not for me to judge. However, it is leaving so many sisters without husbands, many sisters are all alone with no family or support with children that they cannot feed or provide homes for, and so many of our sisters who can, do not have husbands or children... I do not know why our Ummah is in this state of affairs. I can only Pray that our brothers will find compassion in their hearts, and be moved by a pious desire to change things. Until that happens, here we are, living in the conditions that we are living in.
Prophet (pbuh) said: There will come a time for my Ummah when they love 5 things while neglecting 5 others: They will love this world and neglect the next world. They will love wealth and forget the day of reckoning. Men will love corrupted women and forget the houries. They will love buildings and forget the graves. And they will love their selves and forget the Lord. Those people dislike me and I too dislike them.
So, here we are. Please keep writing. I have a new e-mail address. We can work through this... there is life after grief.
You can connect with me at Dr.Maryamiol@live.com.
Salaam,
Dr. Maryam
Name
Warda
-
Profession
Question
Salaam Dr.
My problem is this: I find it difficult to give meaning to life. Working, eating, sleeping.... Every day the same, every day facing the same people, facing yourself and your own insecurities, it seems all so meaningless. How can I give my life more purpose, and not only worry about my own little petty problems?
Answer
Salaam Warda,
In the morning, after your morning prayer, and after your second set of rakats, make dua. Ask Allah to make you an instrument of his will and to be guided to do work that is pleasing to Him. Realize that each day is LIFE itself, and in therein lies your meaning. If you are supposed to "do" something, you will know it. If this is a time for "being" then rest assured your psyche is regenerating. Both action and non action are very important states of being. If we keep running around trying to find the "meaning of life" we will make ourselves crazy. Life itself is THE MEANING... so, simply live it. Be OK with where you are, and ALLAH will guide you to where you need to go next, when it is time.
You purpose will unfold. Sometimes, we get hints of that purpose by remembering our passions. Often our basic passions were expressed when we were a child, and in the activities or daydreams that we had as children... One thing you can do while you are in this quiet time is journal, and also draw pictures of your life, past, present and future... it might open doors to your subconscious..also, try to be aware of your dreams and write them down immediately, they often have clues about where you are headed and what you should be focusing on in the here and now of your life. The activities that I just suggested simply facilitate the unfolding of you vision, rather than forces you to define your life purpose. In the end, it won't matter if you had a clearly defined purpose as you lived your life, or if you life purpose was fulfilled by allowing it to artfully unfold.
We are each unique individuals. Often, during different periods of our life, we experience more or less definition. But rest assured, Allah not only has blessed you with a life purpose and destiny, you are in the process of fulfilling it right here, right now.
For now, to help yourself feel a little more comfortable with all this, visualize what you would like your life to look like in 10 years. Where do you want to e living? What do you want to be doing? Who do you want to be? What role models can you emulate in order to get from here to there? Develop your tentative plan of action (even if you change your mind, it is the exercise that opens you up)....and write down a 1 month, 2 month, 6 month, 1 year, 2 year 5 year and 10 year goal. Now, draw a picture of yourself 20 years from now. Finally, draw a picture of you grave, and write your obituary. What does it say? Do these exercises, and your will likely open up to the guidance that ALLAH has put inside you. One day at a time.
I have given you a lot to do. It should keep you busy for awhile. I hope this is helpful.
Salaam,
Dr. Maryam
Name
xy
- United Kingdom
Profession
graduate
Question
Asalamu Aleikum sister
I am in my mid twenties and want to get married to a girl. The girl`s family is living in my home country I was engaged to this girl for almost a year and was waiting her to finish her studies and alhamduliAllah she has finished. from time to time I do speak to her over the phone. I am about to travel to my country to get married but recently the girl has said to me that once I get married to her she will not allow me to consume the marriage until I take her to the country where I am. This has somehow annoyed me.
could you give me your advice on how to approach this issue as I don't want to have any problem with the family of the girl as well as my family. but if she insists on this I might take a decision and cancel the whole thing...
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Brother xy,
Why is she making this demand? It sounds strange from where I am sitting. Doesn't she trust you? Perhaps she does not believe that you have a home for her, or that you can provide for her? I am processing this through my own mind trying to come you with ideas as to why this lady is demanding this.
I believe you should ask her reasoning before making a rash decision. If she does not know your family and has not seen your home, then she may be frightened. If this is the case, then instead of becoming insulted and angry with her, you could try to reassure her that you will indeed take good care of her.
We need more information.
Salaam,
Dr. maryam
Name
abdullah
-
Profession
Question
Salam Dr.
I believe religion can cause depression, and I would like to give a few examples why I think so.
1) religion asks for one to do away with his inner desires for the sake of god, that can cause someone to always feel unhappy (especially if the things they would like to do is not in guideline with religion )
2) religion teaches us to practice sabr ,and explains to us god will never let your supplication go render as long its not something haram, However when life goes on ,and your prayers stay unanswered,it becomes non relevant for your prayers to be answered ,and prayer is suppose to be a tool for help,but it can lead to bitterness.
those are just a few things of why I think religion /deen can lead to depression, and I was wondering if an authentic study exists that coins the two together.
thank you
Answer
Salam Abdullah,
I will respond to your last question first. I do not personally know of any such study that correlates religion with depression.
Now, I would like to give you my own thoughts on this matter. Attachment is the root of depression. As long as an individual has an attachment (or addiction) to something, he or she will never be satisfied. Even if one believes that by saturating oneself with every desire, one will eventfully find him or herself in an existential crisis and experience depression.
Now, there is a difference between clinical depression, and normal depression. And normal depression is good, in that it is a mechanism that is put inside us by Allah to point us in the right direction. If you are not satisfied, then your instinct will be to strive to find satisfaction... try as you will, you will not ever find that satisfaction in the world and in the attachment to this world. We all suffer from a level of attachment... but the practice of religion gives us relief. It helps us to focus on something other than our addictions (desires), clears our minds and hearts, and sets our soul free. The "Bliss" that you hear of being experienced by people who practice sincerely is an example of the ultimate joy that one can experience by practicing Islam.
Rather than "doing away" with your desires, religion offers the individual a way to work through them until the desire leave you. Though perseverance and staying the course on the path, may lead you through the "dark night of the soul", the reward of this process will indeed be bliss.
Religion is a way of life. Islam, is not religion. Religion is the way, the "how to" submit to the will of ALLAH. Human Beings need assistance in this. Religion, this way of life, is our vehicle that carries us into authentic submission. But Authentic submission to the will of ALLAH will be our true freedom, our true bliss. Praise be to our Prophets (Peace Be Upon Them)for showing us the way.
So, back to your original question. I have no doubt that the normal process of spiritual development carries with it a period, or even several periods of healthy depression as part of the individual's develop-spiritual process toward realizing his/her relationship to ALLAH. The ego always feels loss, and thinks it is dying when we take something away from it... but once we calm it down... it loses its hold on us. We need ego in order to navigate and function on Earth. Religion helps us to subjugate the ego to our Soul and Our Spirit so that we can submit to ALLAH and be happy. Instead of serving the ego, Religion help us teach the ego to serve us, so that we can serve Allah, and the Creation that He wants us to serve. The healthy depression that is experienced by the ego is not a permanent state, and it is better than the serious clinical depression that is a result of one's soul being stuck in the process of life with no compass. Ultimately, Islam is the cure for clinical depression.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Muslim
- Canada
Profession
Question
Salaam Dr.,
This is Muslim from Canada. I sent you a question 2 weeks ago about my young sister but I never found the answer. I hope you can still answer it.
Thanks
Answer
Wa'alaikum As-Salam Brother Muslim,
It sounds like your little sister is developing quite normally. Your little sister is having the standard temper tantrum. This is often called "the terrible twos". Little ones at this age get frustrated very easily. They don't yet have the skills they need in order to communicate their wants and needs. They only know a few words. And they don't understand human behavior yet, or how to interact with others effectively. This leads to them not getting things they want, and also often leaves them very frustrated. The only thing left to do when you are that upset is TANTRUM :).
Still, you need to teach your little sister how to get what she wants and needs, and how to interact with others without tantrums. You also want to teach her not to hit others or bang her head. When she is throwing a tantrum, simply remove her from the area and don't say much to her. Be firm, sit her down on a soft rug and tell her to stay there until she is done. Do tell her firmly that "hitting is NOT ok". If you can figure out what she is frustrated about, what she wants or is trying to avoid, then you can try to teach her how to get what she wants. It sounds like she wants attention. So, one thing you can do, is watch her closely when she is with the other children. When you see her bring them a toy and try to engage them in play, and you notice they are not interested, you can intervene before she has a tantrum and pick her up and put her on your lap and let her know that you love her.. talk to her in a nice fun playful voice. Then let her know that the other child does not want to play, so "we will just leave her/him be". She will love the attention she is getting from you, and this will likely reduce the probability that she will tantrum. In time, she will learn new social skills and when she gets a little older, it will be easier to get other children to play with her.
Salaam,
Dr. Maryam
Name
nisma
-
Profession
Question
Salam Dr.
I would like to know why a woman must obey her husband in Islam. Why must a marriage be based on her obedience rather than mutual respect and understanding? Many times muslim men abuse this right of theirs and expect a woman to obey her husband they way a child is expected to obey his or her parent. Why can't a man and his wife base their relationship on mutual agreements?
Answer
Assalam Alaykum Sister Nisma,
This is a wonderful question and our esteemed scholars would be the best resource for the answer to this questions. You can submit it to the "ask the scholar" section on IslamOnline.net.
With that said, I would say that my own understanding is that the Quran encourages mutual agreements and mutual respect among husband an wives. Why some men and some women behave badly is another matter.
On the other hand, It only makes sense for the man and the woman to express their natural functions. When they do this, they complement one another. Each being equally valuable. Instead of setting the stage for power struggles, the complimentary relationship sets the stage for productive harmony. While the husband may have the bottom line, much like the "boss" in a good working relationship, I would beg to differ, what will the husband say to Allah at his end, if his wife has given him good counsel, and because of his own arrogance, failed to listen?
Food for thought.
Salaam,
Dr. Maryam
Name
Editor
-
Profession
Answer
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