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I am almost 20 years old. For a long long time now I have known a very pious religious and kind man who is an islam teacher. Little by little without my knowledge I have fallen in love with him. Please dont mistake it for anything else because it is a pure and innocent love. The problem is that he already is married and has two little girls. I am very very confused and dont want to do anything out of the boundaries of islam. But i cannot imagine anyone else as my lawful husband, what shall i do??
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Modern movies, novels and television have propagated the idea that everyone has one "soulmate" or partner that God has given them. In reality we all have many and they all have a different purpose.
To be able to find wisdom in relationships we must remember the following things:
1. Our one true relationship is with Allah. We can love men but it is only a reflection of the love that Allah is sending us. We can learn to see Allah's reflection and signs in those things around us (Ayat). We can also learn to see reflections and signs in those people around us.
2. We have many "soulmates and loves". When a husband dies, divorces or abandons us, or is not available, we are given an opportunity to meet another of our "soulmates or loves". There is not just one for each person, there are many.
3. People come into our life for many different reasons. Some people come into our life for a short time, to give us wisdom and then go on their way. Some people come into our lives for a period of time to teach us something or add something we need into our life. Yet other people come into our lives for a lifetime - to provide guidance and friendship for our entire life. As humans when we love people we want them all to fall into the third category. We don't want to imagine that someone we love so deeply could only be here for a short time in our lives, or that they only came for a reason. It is so difficult for us to imagine because our love is so deep. However, this is a gift you have. That you can feel this deep love for someone who has come into your life for a short time is a gift. You will always find your life enriched if you can continue to feel so deeply about the people in your life, but also have the wisdom to know when it is time for them to go.
4. As I mentioned in a previous session with another question - we often make ourselves miserable by imagining we have choices. However, in many cases we are mixing regret with imagination with dreams and choices all together. If you focus on your REAL choices in this situation you will see that being with him is not on the list. He is married and has not approached you with a proposal to be a second wife. The situation might be different if he were approaching you with the blessing of his wife. However, it sounds as if you have fallen in love with him and he may not be aware of this. In this case, it is perhaps better you consider other options.
5. This does not feel like a healthy situation for you. Consider other options as to why you may be "in love" with this man. Are you really in love with Allah and you are feeling so much of this love through this teacher that it seems you love him? Were you distant from your own father so you have a need to receive love from a man who can appear to be somewhat of a "father figure" to you? Are you feeling pressure from family to marry? Have you reached a point in your life where your physical and emotional feelings about love have become unbearable?
6.Sometimes we need to have a 'reality check' to find our true feelings. What is real about a relationship you would have with this man? The feelings you have for him now will fade in less than two years. This is natural with all couples. Relationships go through stages and although everyone is convinced they will feel these "giddy and dreamy" feelings of love forever, it is neither reasonable nor logical to feel the same for a long time. You may feel deeply for another person, you may love them, but real love only comes after some time with a person. Initially what you feel is a passion or an emotion that is so powerful that many people call it love, but it is not. So what will happen when this initial spark fades? Imagine it is three years from now and the initial spark has faded. You are a second wife and mother of perhaps a new baby and two other children. You are married to someone much older than you and...well, look at the situation as it might be three years from now.
I hope you can explore your options and reasons in more detail and be at peace with your situation.
I have a question I don't really know where to start. My life drastically changed for a short period of time. I have always being quite naive and I didn't really think that life could take such a drastic change. I pray, but I didn't have any inner knowledge of Islam, so I would have doubts as to when I'm in the wrong or right.
I knew a person for 3 years of my life, and we became best friends because we have similar educational backgrouds and beliefs. I was drawn to him because he was quiet, patient and a very homely person who also prays. So we were very similar and we wanted to get married, but he has a different culture to mine so I backed off. I knew my parents wouldnt be happy no matter how good of a person he is. I didn't wanna do anything that woulld bring shame to the family.
Last year my parents wanted to go abroad for a holiday, but soon as they brought the conversation up I would get a bad feeling. I cried and begged them that I didnt wanna go because at the back of my head I knew they were planning to get me married. However my parents persuaded me that they will not get me married, and that it would just be a short holiday.
The first few days abroad went OK, but as the time passed I could feel the pressure rising up. Randomly strangers in the village would come and try to persuade me. A lot went on... I felt trapped - I felt like I had to go ahead with the marriage otherwise I wouldn't be obeying my parents. Because I am their eldest I felt like I had to listen to them. After a while I accepted the idea of getting married.
I got to know the person, and I thought maybe this could work. everybody is happy with the idea maybe having all their blessing I would be happy.
Once I got married it just didn't feel right I kept asking myself I've done this now what am I suppose to do. Everyone said be happy, but why don't I feel happy.
We are very different. I just couldn't grow towards him. I tried as I knew if I didn't try while I was there I would never know.. but I just couldn't. We didn't have anything in common, and we just argued. It just didn't feel like a marriage; I just cant expalin it. I felt like I had to do things I didn't want to do, and that I would do it for the sake of people and fear of Allah.
Once I returned to the UK everything seemed all blurry. I couldn't believe what had happened to me. I found it really difficult to accept it, and it didn't seem real. I found it difficult to accept it. I just had regrets in my head I just kept asking myself why, why, why was I so weak. I should have been stronger, I made a great big mistake which I am ashamed of. I spoke to my friend to explain to him what happended, but we never met up on a personal basis at all. Speaking to him made me feel worse.
I am shameful to admit this, but the thought came in to my head why did I throw away everthing. For what reason to only please other people. In the long run I'm hurting myself and no one else. I know I could never be with him, and I no longer think of that. I've learned to accept that it wasn't in my destiny, but al hamdu Lillah the feeling of regret is slowing gone away I have learned to accept it and I know what ever allah does he does it for best. Through all this I feel more aware of my actions and feel more close to Allah. Cause now i'm always scared and want to do the right thing to please Allah.
All I keep doing now is pray, asking for Allah to help and guide me, and asking for His forgiveness. But in my heart I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with him. Am I being punished for something I have done in the past? Is Allah thinking that I went into the marriage with my consent, and now I'm trying to walk away from it? Am I gonna be punished for that? Is Allah punishing me more for speaking to the person when I returned to the UK? I even did Istikhara, but i kept getting scary feelings about ending up alone or that someting bad will happen to me. When I started praying, i felt more calm, and strong. I don;t know what sign to take from the Isthikara is it what makes my heart feel calm or is it the scary feeling? Is it telling to me stay in the marriage or not? I feel like I dont wanna stay in this marriage so am I letting my feelings prevent me from taking the right guidance. Thinking of staying with him makes me feel lifeless. I don't feel like doing anything. My life seems worthless. All I want is bit of peace of mind so I could get on with my life. I really don't know what to do. Please give some advice.
Answer
What is confusing you is the illusion of choice in this matter. We often feel we have a choice in so many matters when really we do not. It is this illusion that makes us unhappy because we imagine that we should have made a different choice or that there is a better choice waiting to be made. Sometimes we even imagine that we have done something to create our current situation. That we are perhaps being punished for making the wrong choice.
However, there are laws of society, relationships and physical laws of nature or people that naturally limit our choices. If we wish to stay within the realm of Islam our choices are not as wide as we would think.
Imagine it this way - imagine that you dislike someone. If you have "complete freedom" you can imagine that you have the power to get them to move to another country or that you have the power to move yourself or even that you have the power to kill then and get rid of them from your life. But do you really have any of these powers? Are any of these things really choices?
It is similar in your case. At each step in the way you had many choices. If you read through your letter you can see many points in your life where you had choices and you made those choices. Each choice you made - not to marry your best friend, to go abroad with your parents, to accept the marriage proposal - all of these were choices. However, once the choices were made, your set of choices changed. You can't go back in time to the time when you had the same choices.
At this point you are in a situation where you have chosen to be married to a person your parents chose for you and whom you met on a trip abroad. This choice has already been made. So your options at this point are to ask for a divorce or to stay in the marriage.
You need to weigh each option carefully. Do you want to be divorced? Is there a good reason why you cannot try to live with this person? Have you tried to see the hidden wisdom or blessing in why you are with them? Even many modern couples are now choosing to arrange their marriages through the Internet. There is nothing wrong with this kind of arrangement. Is this person kind? Do they harm you? Can they help you become a better Muslim?
Your choices now do not include undoing the past because you cannot undo the past. Additionally, you need not dwell on thoughts that Allah is punishing you. You are simply in a position of diminished choices because a choice you made put you there. If you chose to eat hot peppers you would probably find that your tongue felt a bit like it was on fire. There are always consequences to our choices.
Once you realize what your real choices are - right now - in this situation - you can empower yourself to make a choice. Once you make a choice you need to accept the consequences of that new choice with all of your heart. It is only when you accept your choices and consequences with love and with all your heart that you can live in peace.
Life is always an unfolding gift. Sometimes we don't see the gifts we have in the process of imagining there are better ones somewhere else.
Blessings & Health
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- United Kingdom
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I got married last year (just nikah to a man from Pakistan after years of saying no. My main reasons were that he was a few years younger than me but mainly because I didn't find him attractive. I wasn't forced as such to say yes but you can say that I was emotionally blackmailed, - e.g. I was getting old (I'm 26 now), and there are no more proposals etc.
Please don't get me wrong, my parents are great people, and wanted my happiness, but I think their approach was wrong.
Anyway after a lot of thought, I said yes (to get everyone off my back). I put my faith in Allah and thought if it happens it might be for the best. However, it's been about 9 months since my nikah, and I feel very confused. There are days when I feel OK and quite content and i know this sounds really bad, but at times I wish that he would die. Everyone keeps telling me that once he's over here, I'll get to know him properly, and it'll be fine, but at times I can't even bear to speak to him, and I couldn't bear him looking at me during the wedding. My parents want me to call him over, but I keep delaying it.
I still don't find him attractive, and I feel as though I won't be able to let him near me. From what I know about him he seems like a nice person. Please don't get me wrong, I am not the type of person who goes just for looks, and I understand how important marriage is in Islam, but my heart feels so heavy. I know it's done now and there's no going back, but how can I change the way I feel? I do pray and ask for guidance and I have complete faith in Allah, but I still feel depressed. Please help!
Answer
You need to sit with someone who you trust and share these feelings with them. It sounds as if you made a choice a few months ago that put you into this difficult situation. You can learn from the choice you made nine months ago, and remember not to make any additional choices that will create more difficulty.
As the marriage is not yet consummated it is still a somewhat easy choice for you to request a divorce. It will not be extremely easy, and it will make some people unhappy, but it would be much better than requesting one a year from now, or after you have children together.
However, if you do request a divorce then you need to be aware of the consequences of these actions. In some circles you may be perceived as not dependable. It may be that more years pass before you get married again. However, you cannot make decisions based on fear. You simply need to be aware of the possible results your decisions may create and accept them. So are you willing to accept waiting longer to get married and having some people know that you went back on your word? That is OK, you just need to be able to accept those possibilities.
Your second choice is to go forward in the marriage with joy, love and acceptance at the gift Allah has sent you. I remember a client who had a "list" of qualities she wanted in a man so she asked her friends to find a husband for her. One of these men looked just like the man she pictured in her head. It was as if someone had taken a picture from her dreams. Her heart beat faster when she saw him.
Another man was not as attractive and was shorter than her. She wrote to them both and talked to them both on the phone. After months she was surprised, when presented with the two, that she actually chose the second one. She had said she would never marry someone who looked like that or had those qualities, but there was a chemistry with him she did not feel with the other. Love is certainly a mystery, much deeper than surface attraction.
Have you met this gentleman and had a chance to feel the "chemistry" that might exist between you? Have you talked to him on the phone and been able to get to know him?
Sometimes chemistry can even develop over time and in surprising ways. These are all possible outcomes.
However, there is no "middle choice" in this situation. You either decide to divorce or you decide to marry in love without regrets. You cannot decide to divorce and expect it to be easy or decide to marry and then expect to be unhappy or regret the choice.
If you do decide to marry him then it might help to make a list of the qualities you want in a marriage and to focus and honor those qualities he does have.
I am not sure if by "I didn't find him attractive" refers to his appearance or how you feel when you are around him. If it is the former then you need to consider that even the most attractive person becomes unattractive over time if you do not feel an emotional attachment or respect for them. There are women married to men who are very handsome, However, their personalities make them very unattractive. Some people gain weight, lose hair, sustain injuries or get ill over time. Physical beauty is an illusion.
It is the first time that I'm participtaing in these sessions ...
Actually I wish to know more about Reiki and Islam ...I have read your article about Reiki and Islam, and I'm wishing to know more!
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I would like to speak with you more about this topic, however, I am unsure of what more you would like to know about. Could you be more specific in your question? Thank you!
Blessings & Health
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- Pakistan
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If a husband is not capable of providing the basic needs of a woman, and he can't produce kids, can a woman go for another marriage? If yes can she convert a non-Muslim and get married:
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The answer to the second part is yes, it is acceptable for a woman to marry any Muslim. It does not matter if he is "converted" (or reverted) or was born Muslim. It also does not matter who was "responsible" for converting him, as the process is ultimately by the will of Allah who uses many circumstances and people in a person's life to remind them of Islam.
Blessings & Health
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Rita
- Singapore
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I've been married for 3 years. We have one child. I never thought I would contemplate divorce with a man I once was so happy with but we seem to have lost the feelings that we had for each other. Perhaps no one is to blame, a baby, our jobs, problems with in-laws all contributed to the state we are in today. I feel very sad but I don't think the marriage is working. Would it be totally repugnant for me to request a divorce in such circumstances? It's not on the grounds of domestic abuse or mistreatment or other strong grounds, there is just a lack of love and compatibility. One of the reasons which has lessened my love for him is his inability to lead the family. So I take the lead in spite of havin a full job and motherhood responsibilities. I lead in almost every aspect, from finances, to household issues, to religion.
Although I have asked my husband many times to be the leader of the household is concerned, he has not. I am the one teaching my child , reading Qur'an in front of her, telling her about Allah in simplistic terms. I am the one who is slowly introducing Islam to her.
My husband also does not lead me. I really feel very sad. I feel horrible talking about my marital problems, but things have come to a head. I have tried talking to him so many times, in so many different ways, even being guided by hadith and religious articles about how to lecture a husband gently, but he becomes very defensive and starts raising his voice and we can never properly talk things out. I feel really distressed that I am in this situation, and I feel responsible for my child, and cry at the thought of her having to put up with divorced parents but I am just so unhappy and want to give myself another shot at happiness in the future with Insha-Allah another good Muslim man. Am I wrong to think this way?
Answer
I answered this question in an earlier session so I will "cut and paste" my answer here in case you were not able to view the earlier session. I know that sometimes people go offline before I am able to finish answering questions, so it could be you did not see your answer during the last session. Here is what I wrote:
It is not my place or anyone's place to tell you that you are wrong or right in your thoughts. How you feel is how you feel, and you need to work through this in some way and make a decision. By denying your feelings or labeling them as "wrong" or "right" you only make the decision harder and may end up making a decision you will regret later.
I think you have done a good job of covering the reasons why you should not be in the relationship. I don't need to add any reasons to the list you have. So I will help you by suggesting some alternatives you may not have considered:
1. Once you enter into a marriage and have a child your happiness becomes "our happiness". Of course, as we battle that ego part of us that says "me and mine" we should always be realizing we are part of a whole in Islam. However, before one is married or has children it is easy to adjust oneself when one is "alone". This is why it is said that "marriage is half the religion". Because it is only through marriage that you will discover things about yourself you never knew were there. So when you consider leaving you need to consider happiness as a whole family, and not only your happiness.
2. Happiness is a choice we make. I have a client who was abused by her husband, was far from her family and ran the entire house herself, but she was one of the happiest people I have ever known. Life will always be changing and marriage and life will always have challenges. Your challenge as a human is to be happy where you are now. Once you can be happy where you are now, THEN you are ready to make a decision to divorce or not. For if you cannot find the ability to make yourself happy, you will struggle with this issue again and again until you do.
3. Marriages are never the same. They follow a river, like all of life and as they say, "you can't step in the same place in the river twice." So you are saying that NOW your marriage lacks love and compatibility but chances are it was not always like that and it will not be like that in a month or two or a year or two. Part of being in a marriage is watching the changes happen and letting them happen and accepting them as how things are now. Any new marriage you have will also go through this stage. Every marriage does.
4. Being divorced will not be an improvement over your current situation. You will still be in charge of everything. Only now you won't have any financial help at all either.
5. You might sit down with him or observe him and see if he has ways he can help or lead that are suitable for him. It could be that he does want to help or lead, but in his own way. What are those ways? How are the ways he helps now? Unless he is sitting on the couch all day watching TV he must be doing something.
6. Some people are naturally dominant, and some people are naturally submissive. If you have so easily taken on the role of a leader then you are naturally dominant. If he is accepting of you in this role, that is a gift. The most common combinations I see in counseling are:
Dominant wife - Dominant Husband = a lot of fighting, perhaps some abuse.
Dominant husband - submissive wife
7. From experience in my own life and with clients I can say that leading might be a lot of pressure and it can be annoying to be holding the entire world on your shoulders...however, a big benefit of this is that you get to make a lot of decisions and you get to do things "your way". I have a feeling you might miss this a lot if you found a mate that was more dominant.
8. Sometimes when a dominant/leading woman feels the need for the man in her life to lead, this indicates issues she may have with an absent father figure, or issues she may have with her own femininity. Explore why you want him to lead? Why do you need this? Help around the house is a good reason, but there may be deeper needs and issues you need to address in yourself to be able to move on - with or without him, whichever you choose.
9. You might consider getting a temperament evaluation done at www.TheHerbnMuslim.com - sometimes by understanding a person's temperament it makes it easier to accept and love them. So many people and couples I have counseled using temperament evaluations have seen great improvements in all their relationships.
Insha-Allah this was helpful.
Blessings & Health
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Finally, we would like to thank Dr. Karima Burns (www.TheHerbnMuslim.com) for taking the time to answer the questions of Islamonline viewers today, and we also thank all those who participated in this dialogue. We apologize for not being able to accommodate all the questions within the time allocated to this session. Look out for upcoming session Being a Single Mum: Managing Time, Mental Health, and Resources on 27th May 2009 with naturopath, Dr. Karima Burns
