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Name
Reena
-
Profession
Question
How can I be aware about my partner's characther before marriage? How can I know that he doesn't like violence?
Answer
There are a number of ways by which you can know the character of a person, from his acquaintances and friends in office etc through these rtelations you can know the person’s character. You can also tell by the way he treats his family, parents. If you want to know exactly, you must become a researcher, investigate him.
If it is a person who is not good to the parents and do not appreciate what the parents has done for him, then you should avoid the person.
Hadith: The one who does not thank people for the good things they did to you will not thank Allah himself.
One of the best ways to know about your companion, whether he is going to be a good husband or not can be through the family where he was brought up. If his father is good to his mother, and the house is peaceful and there is love in this family, then it is quite expected that this young man will grow up to lead a life similar to the one in which he was brought up.
Broken families and families where there are lots of violence or arguments etc going on between the spouses indicates that the children may lead the same kind of life that is devoid of tranquility and love.
Name
a .a.
-
Profession
Question
What advice can you give to a husband who is emotionally abusive to his wife?
He is basically a decent person and does have strong emotions but he hides them and can become very detached/cold and aloof often without realizing it (or if he is aware, then he does so for no reason).
Also, he has great difficulty saying loving things (never without prompting) and even greater difficulty showing affection -even in the most intimate moments).
He is quite affectionate to his children (although, very uninvolved in their lives).
Finally, his mother is very emotional, and is very clever at emotionally manipulating people, do you think that this may be the reason why he hides his feelings so deeply? Is there any hope that he may change?
Answer
The behavior of the husband is generally influenced by his personal characteristics and by the culture in which he lives in. In some Arab and African culture, men are brought up in such a way that they feel that there wives are nothing more than sex slaves.
Quite a number of folk stories in such cultures indicate that if the husband shows love and affection and friendliness to the wife, she will feel arrogant and try to control him. Such folk stories tell the husband to show the wife an aggressive face so that the wife will not have a say in the family. This attitude of men is unfortunately positively associated with manhood and chivalry.
However it is very difficult for such a husband to behave in the same manner with his children since love and affection of children is an irresistible instinct that Allah has put in our hearts.
If your husband is a good Muslim then he should know that his ideal and role model should be the Prophet of Islam, Muhammad sallahu alayhis aalaam, and not any others jahilli (ignorant) model which comes from his culture.
As for the mother, whom you think is manipulating her son; I would agree with you that many mothers do indeed use emotional tactics to influence the behavior of their married children. Yet, I do not think it is her manipulation that is causing the husband to refrain from showing his love to his wife. Many normal husbands are able to see where their mother are being unjust their daughter in law and without resisting the mother, they secretly show their intimacy and affection to their wives.
The possibility of changing such men is relatively high if one uses the right tactics, one of them is for the wife to show affection to his mother even though her heart is taking a different negative stand. Another way is for her to show to him the emotions and feelings that she wants from him. Also the wife should not be too shy to tell the husband about his attractiveness and his manhood. And since such men would like their masculinity to be appreciated, they would be only be too pleased to be stroked. The wife should also be a bit frank with the husband and discuss this issue openly with the husband.
Name
Maryam
- Palestine
Profession
Housewife
Question
My question is, when I was going through a divorce and went to the community leaders for help, I confronted too much negative treatment.
For domestic violence, I was asked what did I do to make my husband angry? For emotional abuse, I was told that the woman is the key to the home, if she is happy and pleases her husband, the home is happy, and if she is unhappy and not pleasing her husband, the home is unhappy.
I got so angry at the blame, blame and blame. I was pregnant and due to the stress level from my husband ill-treating me, I told him to leave. Everyone treated me like I committed a big crime for doing so, but I was so much in pain that I ended up having high blood pressure and pre-clamysia leading to a very high risk pregnancy.
I found no support so while your advice is welcome, I have not found it in the Muslim Community to be prevalent. How come?
Answer
As I have mentioned to the sister who asked a question before you, some of the traditional ways in which we treat women are in fact reminiscent of the Arabic pre-Islamic days or jahiliyah (ignorance). In that age of jahiliyah women were considered as sheep or cows that can be inherited by the son after the death of the father. The Holy Qur`an, which came to us, tells us to reject the customs of jahiliyah in which the son will inherit all the wives of the father after his death. In treating them as cows or sheep, in a few tribes, a husband would send his wife to sleep with a man of known abilities and superior physical characteristics so that she may be pregnant from him and give him a son carrying the gene of the selected person.
Islam has come to abolish these ugly customs and traditions. However, though we have learned to protect the honor of our women, we failed to get rid of the attitude of looking at them as inferior creatures.
During the time of our Prophet a woman who had accepted to marry one of the good companions of the Prophet, came to him after some time telling him that she has seen her husband working with a group of men and he was the shortest and ugliest among them. She told the Prophet that she no longer loves him and that she hates to continue in a married life in which she longs for other men. The Prophet asked her to give him back the dowry he (husband) gave her and to divorce her. If divorce has been sanctioned by the Prophet for such a woman, who praises her husband in treating her well but that she does not like him anymore how can our communities put all the blame of the problems of marriage on the women and get angry with her when she wants to divorce?
Name
tash
-
Profession
Question
As-salamu alaykum.
Could you please tell me what are the rights of women after she has had her 3rd divorce with: 4 children, a girl aged 19, one boy aged 14, 2 girls under 10 years, the mother has told her that she will keep the children and the father wont give any maintenance for the children or wife.
I would like to know what does Islam say in such cases? Because all of them give the same answer - a women doesn't get anything after divorce and I blame Islam for that!
What should the women do after divorce? Where should she go? W?ho should take care of her and her children? As she has no support from her parents also.In such a case is it the duty of parents or any other family members to take care of them.And what about the father should he give maintenance for the children.
Jazakallah
Answer
Dear daughter I am a counselor and a psychologist and am not here to give fatwa based on Islamic jurisprudence. I believe that you should send your question to those who are professionals of Islamic family law. However, am just wandering how can a husband say that I will not pay for the upkeep of my children after I divorce their mother?
Even some male animals in certain species would care for their offspring. I do not believe that shari`ah will allow such a husband to just run away to marry another woman and leave the wife and children without any income whatsoever. As far as I know, a husband can only do so if he himself does not have the income to take care of his personal needs.
However, you can get the proper answer from the specialized scholars and you could probably post your question to the fatwa page of www.islamonline.net.
Name
Sameera
- Belize
Profession
Question
As-salamu alaykum Dr. Badri.
What would you say, makes a husband angry enough to want to abuse his wife or children?
Answer
Dear Daughter,
There is no reply to this question. It is impossible to know what makes a particular man angry and treat his family with abuse.
It is hard to find out what particular reason can raise the anger of a person, a husband. Sometimes a man can get angry when the wife is talking bad about his mother or there could be many other reasons for that.
