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Answer
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Name
anoop
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Profession
Question
I want to ask about one of my dreams. I am not sure if it is a good dream or a bad dream. What is the effect of telling a bad dream to a person? Can I tell my dream?
Answer
If you are thinking of telling a bad dream to a person who was in your dream, it is best not to. Sometimes a dream can seem "bad". However, it could be interpreted differently. For example, many dreams about death are simply symbolic of change. I know many clients who dream about death before they travel. Often, "nightmares" are not real dreams, but simply a reflection of many emotions we are experiencing.
If you would like to share your dream with someone who does dream interpretation and is able to help you analyze your dream, there is no harm in this.
Blessings & Health
Name
Sameera
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Profession
Question
I have been married for 12 years now.My marriage was an arranged marriage. In all these 12 years I have done my best to make this marriage work in fear of Allah. I take care of my kids and love them a lot.
My husband has always taken me for granted since the beginning. I caught him talking with his ex-fiance, he even wrote love letters to my sister. Recently he have put false papers against my name, if caught I could go to jail. He expects me to trust him and understand that all that he did was because of bad situations or lame reasons. I can't put up with his mistakes any more. Don't I deserve someone better - a person who respects me and love me with devotions. A person who never takes me for granted. For good men there a good women and for good women good men.
I am putting up with this marriage because of my kids, my parents are one more time pushing me into this marriage for my kids. Where do I stand?. My husband at this point is very sorry for what he did, and asked me to give him one more chance. Wasn't 12 years not enough for him? I am drifting away from him. I don't want to be near him.
I have started to like some other guy. It has never occured to my entire 12 years of marriage that I get any feelings for another person. I don't want to commit sin. I don't want my Allah to get away from me. These emotions are driving me nuts.I am a very strong person. I believe this is just my transitional period and I will get through this but what about my husband? When will he change? When will he stop taking me for granted?.
Answer
You deserve to be treated with respect and love. Everyone does. Sadly, this is not always what happens. Sometimes, a person can even have the best intentions and the other person does not feel the love and respect. Relationships are difficult, in that neither person is perfect, and yet each can see the others flaws so much more clearly.
It is unfortunate that your husband has made mistakes. I am unclear as to what false papers he has put against your name or what other specific mistakes he has made. However, of the ones you mentioned none are grounds for divorce.
You mentioned:
* Taking you for granted: This is common in many marriages and is something many couples need to work on. We all take each other for granted in so many ways and sometimes we do not even realize it.
* Talking to his ex-finance: Talking to another woman is not forbidden in Islam. If he took her on a date, or did otherwise...that is questionable.
* Writing love letters to your sister: When you marry in Islam, you agree to Islamic laws that state a man can have more than one wife. This leaves the door open for the man to consider this possibility and perhaps pursue it with letters, conversations with friends or other methods. It is not required for the man to tell his wife he is considering taking another. However, it is preferred that the man involve his current wife in any "second wife" situation. What he did was perhaps not very considerate, perhaps a bit selfish and not even very respectful. However, it was not "wrong".
Only you can decide if you want to stay with him as he is or leave him. Those are your only two decisions. You can stay with him as he is, or leave him. You do have that choice.
However, it is not clear if there is something deeper happening. Are there reasons you might want to continue with this relationship? Is he a good father and treats you with respect in front of the children? Does he provide for the family? Is he kind? Does he have other qualities that help compensate for the mistakes?
Does he really realize the mistakes he made and has he made significant changes in his behavior?
You might also want to reflect on what your part has been in the marriage. I only have one paragraph to go on. However you said, "In all these 12 years I have done my best to make this marriage work in fear of Allah". In the second sentence you mention that this was an arranged marriage. Both of these statements sounds like you have not been happy with this marriage from the beginning.
Have you only been married to this person because you were told to by your parents? Do you only stay with him for fear of Allah and it has always been like this? Have you always, for 12 years been "doing your best" and making an effort? Has it all been work and duty for 12 years? If you can answer yes to even one of these questions then it could be that your husband has not been able to feel the love and respect he has needed either.
He also deserves to feel that someone loves him with all their heart. Have you given that option a chance? If you have not, you might be amazed what could happen if you open your heart and decide to let him in for a while.
As I said, I only have a paragraph to go on and I do not know a lot about what you have gone through.
If you do decide that you cannot stay with him any longer, you should NOT, under any circumstances, get involved in another relationship for another year at least. It has been proven over and over again that when a relationship ends, a person needs time to recover from that relationship and to become prepared for another. It is a very complex process. When you are in the situation it can often seem you ARE ready and many people do not want to, or can't image waiting. However, it is very important for the success of your next relationship (if that is the path you choose), that this next relationship does not happen directly after the first one.
Insha'allah this is helpful.
Blessings & Health
Name
A
- Pakistan
Profession
Question
I got married in August 2007. My marriage was a secret marriage that happened in the presence of two witnesses. One person was his his best friend, the was to support me.
My husband is already married. His first wife did not knows about this marriage. At the time of my Nikah he had 4 kids and now he has six kids. He promised me that soon he would announce this marriage and properly send a proposal and re-marry with me in the normal way.
Now it is over one and a half years. I asked him many time that now I want to start my marital life with my husband as a legal wife. Presently I am 31 year but still asks me to wait more.
I'm working, and I have never ask him for my maintenance nor asked for my rights. I have relations with him as wife. I'm so depressed because this relationship in now creating a burden on my head and heart. I can't spend a long time at my parents home because they are forcing me o get married. Many times I tried to get divorced, but I really can't live without him. I love him very much and can do anything for him. Even when I think about separation I feel that my life is ending, and that I should commit to commit suicide. What should I do?
I realize that I made a big mistake, but currently my parents are ill and I can not disclose the matter with them because they will never bed able to bear this. What should I do? Please help me or otherwise I will do something with myself because I have lost my patience now. I'm mentally and physically disturbed. Please help me I'm really in trouble. what can I do?
Answer
First of all, you do need to seek counseling with a close friend, family member or professional. Thoughts of suicide are an indication that there are deeper matters to deal with, and this is the first issue that needs to be addressed. You may be suffering from depression and/or anxiety.
These moods or feelings indicate an imbalance in your health and can make it almost impossible for you to think clearly and make the decisions you need to make. Imagine a friend of yours lost a relative and was very very upset. She was crying all day and night and could not sleep or eat properly. She was feeling very badly. Would you want to go to her for advice now during this time? Do you think she would be able to think clearly enough to help you?
Probably not. There are times in our lives when we are thinking clearly and times when we are not. If one does not get enough sleep, or has ill parents, or has stress in other areas of their life they may not be as able to deal with decisions as they could be.
In your case, I do not have a lot of information on what your daily life is like. However, I do know that thoughts of suicide definitely indicate that you need to heal and balance in some way before you can deal with the issue of this man.
It seems as if he is comfortable with the situation so it should not be a problem for you to take some time for counseling and taking care of your own health for a while.
When you are feeling strong and healthy and happy you can then think about this situation again and decide what is best.
Being strong, healthy and happy depends only on you - you make the decision to be that way - and you can never let anyone else make that decision for you. Even if he were to decide not to marry you "properly" then it is still your decision to be happy. He can never make you happy even if you do marry him "properly" for it is you and only you that decides to be happy or not. Happiness is a choice, not a gift from others.
On the topic of the marriage, it sounds as if you are already married. You may want to consult with someone who is an expert in Islamic law. However, from what I know, if there were two witnesses and the marriage has been consummated then you are married.
Since you are married it is his duty to care for you. Being the second wife, you are entitled to the same treatment, the same time, and the same benefits (money and home) as the first wife.
He should know this. It seems a bit strange that he does not. You need to ask yourself why is he not following proper procedure? Why is he not providing for you? Why is he saying that you are not "really" married when you are?
You do not need his permission to tell anyone you are married. He has already made the choice to marry you. He committed, he said vows in front of witnesses and he consummated the marriage. There is no such thing as a secret marriage. You are either married or you are not.
In your case, you are, and you can tell anyone you want and you have a right to request you be treated as a wife.
If he is not happy with this situation then I would recommend you seek out another husband. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect and honesty.
I hope your husband can provide you with this.
Blessings & Health
Name
Raissa
- United States
Profession
Question
I am sick of what I and others go through and we can't resolve it quick.
I am a 32 year old woman, and I haved lived in this country for 12 years. I have discovered the secret habbit (masturbation). I felt ashamed by the time I was 18, and I felt terrible pain both emotionaly and physically. I tried to stop it, and I did for a while, but lately I went back to it and the worse thing is I have discovered online sex. I'll chat with Muslim guys and was shocked to see what they are capable of doing, and shocked at myself.
I am not concerned about if I am still a virgin, it is more that I am concerned if I am still a Muslim.
I am full of contradictions: I wear Hijab, I am very conservative, my co-workers respect me a lot, not one of them will say or swear infront of me, I do advise them hoping they will discover the beauty of Islam in the way that I portray it through my daily interactions with them. Also, my Family respects me, and they haved all tried to make my life smooth. They come to me for any decision they make, they love me a lot , andrefuse any prospect [spouse] they see doesn't suit me. However, I am full of lies as today I hate myself, and I have thoughts of committing suicide.
I showed part of my body online to a guy. I am the biggest lie that could happen to my family, yeah in the day time I am this honorable, wise person, but if I am alone and next to a computer I become like a B (sorry can't say it) I can't even swear or talk about others in bad.
I do volunteer most of my time with an organization. I am generouse], I love to help others and any thing good for the 'Ummah I am there, but I am evil too. I am afraid of loosing my Iman (if i still have some faith).
I can't get married (don't know the reason). I am thinking of accepting the first guy who will propose, cancel my internet service also the cable and try to stay with others most of the time never alone, but I am ashamed from Allah, I don't think I should be thinking this way, why I am not ashamed when I am in the middle of doing or writing things that upsets Him?
Answer
All Muslims and all people struggle with secrets of some kind so you are not alone. And I have certainly heard similar or worse stories from people. You are not alone in not being a "perfect Muslim" either. You may feel alone in this, but you are not.
However, at some point these struggles reach beyond ones control and a person needs to seek outside help. Thoughts of suicide and not being able to control oneself with something (the computer) are indications that you may need assistance to change your behavior and heal yourself. Addiction to the computer and/or addiction to sex and the computer are becoming more and more common in today's world.
What you describe sounds like an addiction, rather than an indication you are "evil" in some way. Addictions can take on a life of their own and take control over a person's life even against their will. Are there other members of your family that suffer from addiction (cigarettes, alcohol, anything else)? This trait is often inherited.
It sounds like it would be more helpful if you approached this problem by starting with the realization that you have an addiction and take the steps to cure that addiction. Start loving yourself again and realize you are a good person. Start realizing that you are not as much of a hypocrite as you think you are. You want to be a kind, good, honest person and you are obviously doing a very good job of presenting yourself to others. This would be impossible if this was not existent in you to begin with. You are simply a good person, with an awareness of "right and wrong" (in this you are already ahead of so many people) and you are struggling because there is some chemical imbalance in your body that causes you to become addicted to things - and this is what you are addicted to now.
If you can seek counseling for addiction this could help you more than anything. There are homeopathic remedies and other natural healing methods that can help, if you prefer traditional medicine.
Insha'allah this was helpful.
Blessings & Health
Name
Janna
- United States
Profession
Question
I am writing because of an issue that I have beens suffering from since I gave birth and that is Post Partium Depression (PPD). After the birth of my son I was one of many women that suffered, and I feel that I may still be suffering from PPD. I came to realize this 9 months Post-partum.
I am a teacher by profession and I love my job, and family, but with the new responsiblities of motherhood I feel emotionally distant. 2 months Postpartum I started a new teaching assignment at an new school. The students at the school were difficult, and home-life was too. I felt embarressed and did not tell anyone of what was happening (not even my husband or friends). However, because of my silence my husband assumed things. He did not know or understand what I was going through because he did not know.
Not until my son's first birthday and my husband said talaq (divorce) did I tell him what was going on. I know I should have told him, and my son's doctor, but I did not. And even now though I can somewhat talk about it I know that I am still very embarrased by the whole thing.
My issue is I feel that I am still suffering from mild PPD, and I do not know what to do. I really do not what my husband to know, and I feel embarrased by it. I have always been the reliable one, and when this happened I was not.
At the present I am still teaching at the same school, and I have recovered somewhat from my PPD, however, I know that something is wrong. However, the stress of teaching amd looking after my son is taking a toll on me. When my son cries too much or my students talk too much I become irrated, and start to raise my voice. I always feel frustrated and upset. Sometimes I just start to cry and feel so much anger, but I try to keep a smile on my face so that everyone thinks everythings fine. However, sometimes it is not fine. Even know I sometimes feel I have not done my job as a mother, a wife, teacher, ect and these are the same feelings I had after pregnancy. I have thought about telling my doctor, but I don't know if I should or what to do.
I have always asked Allah for patience and forgiveness for the things I think or say. During my PPD the first time I thought about suicide, but did not act on it, I also wanted to run away one day. Before my son was born I was known as a gentle tempered person (I do have a temper), but I tried to be nice and considerate to people, however, this did changed. I do not like being this way. I hate being angry all of the time and crying and sad. I just hate it and I want to be able to controll it. It seems to get worse when I am menstrating. I just need some advice on what to do. Can you please help. Thanks for your help!
Answer
I am sorry you are going through this. I know how difficult it can be. Depression can often change a person into someone they don't even recognize themselves, and somedays it can be so rooted in the physical body that it can become near impossible to overcome it with the mind alone.
One common misconception about depression is that it is a mental or emotional issue. Because of this stereo-type, people are often embarrassed to admit they are depressed Most people don't want to admit they have a mental or emotional problem! And sadly, most spouses, parents, friends and family members can feel a bit fearful when someone mentions emotional or mental issues.
However, depression can be quite physical. Physical causes can be related to blood sugar levels, hormone levels, vitamin or mineral deficiencies, chemical imbalances in the body and even illnesses. Depression is often a symptom of something deeper going on in the body and for this reason it should be taken seriously as a physical illness.
The power of our minds and the power of prayer are so amazing that we can theoretically cure anything with prayer and our minds. However, this is in theory. In reality, our minds are often occupied with other daily tasks or are overwhelmed with duties and work. To heal with the mind takes days of deep meditative work.
If you continue to try to heal your depression with a good spirit, happy thoughts, smiles and your will-power alone, you will not be addressing the underlying issues that are there./u>
You should seek help from your doctor or natural health care practitioner. Have them try to find out what the physical causes behind your depression are. Perhaps they need to run some blood tests or other tests. You need to find out why this is happening, and rule out the possibility of other illnesses.
Once you find out what the physical causes are, you can take herbs or medication to help your situation. If you cannot find the physical cause, there are still general medications for depression (that address a number of physical causes) and herbs that can be used for depression as well.
Some herbs that are known to help are:
Siberian Ginseng this - also helps energy levels)
St. John's Wort
Gingko
Damiana
Sage
You will need to take 2-3 cups of tea (or use capsules or tincture) a day for at least one week before you see significant results. However, you will start to experience the most changes around the third week of your natural therapy.
You also want to look at your diet. Anyone who is suffering from depression should immediately stop drinking caffeine in any form. This means no tea, coffee or sodas.
Most of all - do not be ashamed or shy to tell someone. Depression is a physical ailment with physical causes. To continue to be that wonderful dependable person you are you need to take care of yourself and your body.
Insha'allah this was helpful.
Blessings & Health
Name
F
- Indonesia
Profession
Question
I suffer from extreme jealousy of other women. When I see a beautiful woman I immediately compare myself and feel inadequate.
Answer
Jealousy is an emotion many people struggle with. However, there are many things a person can be jealous of. Some people are jealous of other people's money, success, children, houses, or even wonderful personalities. However, no matter what a person is jealous of, it is always the same emotion - jealousy.
Jealousy itself indicates that a person is looking outwardly more than inwardly. It is simply an indication of an imbalance in a person's spiritual life. To gain a balance a person must find "just the right" amount of outward interaction with society mixed with "just the right amount" of prayer and inner reflection.
This is different for each person and can even be different during different parts of a person's life.
And example of someone who has tipped the balance on the other end of the "scale" would be a person who spends so much time praying and thinking inwardly that they neglect the emotional needs of their family. So, being "too inward" is not the answer either.
Of course I could provide you with a lot of philosophy about how we are all beautiful. I could tell you how statistics show that most women (even fashion models) are unhappy with at least one feature on their body. I could tell you about how everyone has their own unique gifts. I could tell you many things like this, however, I am sure you have heard these things before.
It will not matter what I say about beauty and women. What will really make the difference is when you spend some more time with inward thought. For the next week make sure you pray all five prayers. In addition, set aside 30 - 60 minutes TWICE each day to sit alone in peace and meditate (this simply means to focus your thoughts inwardly or in the moment).
If you do not feel comfortable sitting for this amount of time, then you may also walk and meditate while you walk.
If you feel, after one week, that you still need more inward looking time, you could start to journal (and continue to pray and meditate). Write down your thoughts each day for 15-30 minutes.
The more inward time you spend, the more you will train your eyes & heart to look increasingly inward and you will be able to maintain a balance again. You will not need to solve your problem of being jealous. It will solve itself. And it may not go completely away, but it will become more comfortable and you will no longer feel inadequate.
Insha-Allah this is helpful.
Blessings & Health
Name
S
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Profession
Question
I commited zinah with 4 mens again and again, although I'm married becuase my husnband didn't payed attention to me. He doesn't love me that's why I did this ghunah kabeera.
I'm now very much ashamed of what I did before, and I weep very much in my parayers hoping that Allah will forgive me for my sin - I did tawbah also.
Beacuse nowadays I have been reading Qur'an, and I'm very much scared about what I did. What is my punishment? Will Allah forgive me? I will never do it again insha-Allah.
Should I tell my husband about it? As you know my husband will divorce me. What should I do? I did all this ghunah because my husband's behaviour is not good to me. He dooes not love me, and I also don't love him. We are just living with each other for our kids. What should I do? Please guide me in the light of quran and Authentic Hadith because it will satisfy me. May Allah be please with you for answering my question
Jazak Allah
Answer
One of the attributes of Allah is The Merciful. There are many stories in the Qur'an and Hadith of people changing their ways, seeking forgiveness and obtaining that forgiveness. Even with the famous story of Yunus and the whale. In the Qur'an it says,
"There is none worthy to worship except You, Glorified and above all imperfection are You, and certainly I am of those who wronged themselves." (Al-Anbiyaa' 21:87)
After this, Yunus was expelled from the belly of the whale and allowed to return to his people.
Among the Hadith about forgiveness are these:
Once he asked his Companions if they knew who the most despicable man was. They said, "Allah and his messenger know best". He said it is the one who has made so many sins that he does not believe that Allah will forgive him.
and
On the authority of Anas, who said: I heard the messenger of Allah say:
Allah the Almighty has said: “O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great as its.”
You ask what your punishment is - however, if you are seeking true forgiveness, forgiveness does not come with punishment.
Here are some steps you can take to seek true forgiveness:
1. Make a commitment to yourself to not do these acts again.
2. Make a commitment to Allah that you will not do these acts again.
3. Realize that it is your choice to commit these acts and nobody can make you do them. Your husband can take no blame in your decision to make poor choices. He may be a poor husband, according to your assessment. However, it is your choice how you deal with his problems. You can choose to stay with him and accept him or you can choose to leave him. Choosing to create your own rules is not an option. You must commit to realizing this every time you think about doing zinah again. Every time the thought comes to your mind you must remember that it is you that is deciding and it has nothing to do with your husband and how he loves or treats you. When you take the entire responsibility on yourself it will be easier to gain control and keep your promises to never do it again.
As for telling him - to remain in an honest marriage you would need to tell him. If you plan on a divorce, then it may be best to spare his feelings. If you do decide to tell him I would recommend you do so during a counseling session with a trusted counselor.
Be careful of the following:
Anger. Will you be safe if you tell him while you are still with him? Some men can get very angry and can cause harm to their wives or children if they hear this news.
Being in the position of the "forgiven" the rest of your life with him. In many of these situations the man will forgive the wife, but will treat her very badly for the rest of their marriage and make her feel she always has to "make it up to him" in some way.
There are many different possible outcomes. Only you know your husband. You should carefully consider the consequences before you tell him and be prepared for each and every one of those consequences before you share.
Insha-Allah this was helpful.
href="http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellite?c=Article_C&pagename=Zone-English-Living_Shariah%2FLSELayout&cid=1158658485167 ">A World Without Tawbah: Imagine!
Blessings & Health Karima
www.TheHerbnMuslim.com
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Editor
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Question
Finally, we would like to thank Dr. Karima Burns (www.TheHerbnMuslim.com) for taking the time to answer the questions of Islamonline viewers today, and we also thank all those who participated in this dialogue. We apologize for not being able to accommodate all the questions within the time allocated to this session. Look out for upcoming session… What Addiction Are You Struggling With?
