The session has just started. Please feel free to join us with your questions on today's topic.
After the session has ended, you can view the whole dialogue by clicking on "Recent Sessions", or later by going through "Archives".
For feedback and suggestions, please e-mail our Social desk at: society@iolteam.com
Yours,
Islamonline Social Desk
Name
sara
-
Profession
student
Question
I was wondering if it alright if boys and girls in university work together in a group to organize activities for their university if they treat each other respectfully and as sister/brother
Answer
Various cultures have different perspective regarding the kinds of activities men and women/boys and girls can be involved in. From an Islamic standpoint engaging in educational, business or community service activities with the intention to obtain knowledge, conduct business or provide service to the community are permissible maintaining proper religious etiquette between men and women. In the United States, where I am, brothers and sisters in the University, those involved in the Muslim Student Association (MSA) do work together to organize university activities, engage in da`wah and provide support to other brothers and sisters. Most MSAs are known for maintaining proper respect between brothers and sisters.
Name
Zoghat Mohammed
- United Arab Emirates
Profession
technologist
Question
Assalaamu `alaikum..
Apart from being a homemaker, I also have an outside job to assist my husband financially. Even though a technologist by degree, I had to settle for a meager salary teaching pre-school children in an all-girls Islamic school, as I found neither a company where there was no gender mixing nor one where they allowed women to cover up completely (I try to follow the wives of our Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) and those of the Sahabah as much as I can.)
I struggle daily with a job that neither suits my education nor my skills. Neither do I have any options before me to switch because of the aforesaid reasons. I certainly do not want to work leaving my most beautiful part uncovered (my face of course) and I cannot not afford to work - we wouldn't be able to meet ends.
Given a choice I would gladly sit at home and take care of my home and family!
Islam certainly is NOT making things hard for me; what I fail to understand is why cannot we have companies, institutions, organizations, schools, markets, anything solely for women? For starters, why not focus on women exclusive sections/departments within a company or women-only branches? How about targeting non-competitive sectors? Service sectors? Clinics? Labs? Apparel? Healthcare? Nutrition? There are hundreds of options! Why don't Islamic countries lead the way so that others follow suit?
Imagine the peace it would have for women who are forced outside homes just to make a living, rubbing shoulders with men! No stares! No fear! No ego clashes! No scope for affairs. Let's say a whole lot of no's.. It is very well practical and can do a whole lot of good to Muslim (men and women).
I would like your thoughts on how this can become a reality and a sigh of relief for all the Muslim women around the world struggling with home and a career on one hand and the desire to be a practicing Muslim the likes of the Sahabah and our dear Prophet (pbuh) on the other..
Jezaki Allah Kheir
Answer
Wa `alaikom assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu dear sister. Thank you for your question.
I understand your dilemma. My experience is that if you want to make change you have to initiate it. In the United States, where I am, we started a young women's association and youth group in 1995. There were no activities or leadership opportunities for young women then.
The girls and I sat in my living room and began planning. We decided on the mission and purpose of the organization and the activities we would engage in. I don't know the limits and boundaries you face in U.A.E. however it sounds like the women will have to get together to make this possible.
They will have to become business owners and set up companies that provide accommodations for women who prefer to work with women only. They will have to convey to the male leaders of companies how important it is to have departments for women who are educated and skilled and can contribute to the company.
Change usually starts with one person or with a small group and then it grows just like it did in the time of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him).
Name
Nasim
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
My daughter is now 5 years old. I plan to enroll her in a public elementary school, and then I will move her to an Islamic school. This means she will mix with boys till she becomes 11 years old. Do you think this is a good way to raise her in both environments without causing any Psychological problems for her, or should I let her join an Islamic school from the beginning? Please, advice me! Thanks
Answer
Dear Nasim,
I don't have much experience with Muslim children starting in public school and then switching to Islamic school. In the United States, because we have few Islamic schools and most are elementary level; the children either go their entire school career to public school with involvement in weekend Islamic school or they go to Islamic school for the elementary years and then on to a public high school. When they have the opportunity to attend a balanced well organized Islamic school; they have an opportunity to gain an Islamic foundation that grounds and prepares them to attend a public school and maintain their Islamic identity.
However most of the young women I know attended public school their entire school careers. They have strong, balanced Islamic identities. They are bright, intelligent and know their boundaries. They can work with men and women from other cultures and religions in the larger society and are known for being good Muslim women. Among them today are lawyers, journalists, engineers, nurses, devoted wives and mothers and daughters and leaders in the Muslim community.
Either way, whether you choose Islamic school or public school it is your responsibility as a parent to stay involved with your child's school and to be their main teacher at home being the best role model you can be. Schools can't raise our children. The teachers need parents help.
My children attended only public school. I was involved in the public school. By just being present I provided a positive role model of a Muslim parent to my children and to their teachers and classmates. I was involved in the classroom and developed programs in the school that would promote tolerance and an appreciation for diversity. Their classmates of other faiths and cultures learned to appreciate my children, their faith and their culture traditions.
May Allah bless you with the best for you and your children.
Name
mohammad Rifat
- Saudi Arabia
Profession
Engineer
Question
Assalamu `alaikum...
In Witr Prayer, concerning reciting of du`aa’ Al-Qunot:
- Is this du`aa’ to be recited before ruku`or before sujud.
- Is it essential to raise hands for reciting the du`aa’.
Answer
Editor:
Wa `alaikom assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu.
We would like to apologize for not answering your question as this page is not dedicated to these types of questions. Please re-submit your question on the following page:
I am a practicing Muslim and nobody in my family actually knows that, they are Shia`a Muslims and I don't follow that. That's why I tend to get very lonely sometimes and cry a lot, even during my prayers.
I don't have any Muslim friends who I could talk to. But I have a cousin who is approachable in these matters. But unfortunately I can't reach him. We meet only once a year and even if I wanted to contact him through mail, I would have to do it secretly because my mother and my elder sisters think I'm in love with him which I am not.
Should I contact him secretly if possible or should I not talk to him at all so that there wouldn't be any problem?
Answer
Dear A.
I don't know what is appropriate in your culture or family but I think that trusting in Allah and being true to your beliefs is important. Striving to practice your faith and developing strong family ties are all very important.
Also human beings need support and others to care about them and for them to care about. Allah made us social creatures. Extended loneliness and crying can be a sign that you are starting to feel depressed. This is something you want to prevent or seek intervention for right away.
It is important for you are able to relate to others and have the support of family and friends.
It is important that your family come to understand you and your perspective regarding Islam and that you work together to understand each other better.
It is important that you identify other young women in your area that you feel comfortable with and can develop a sisterly bound with.
I don't recommend keeping secrets from your family. Secrets are not healthy for families and promote dishonesty and distrust.
Being respectful, open and honest and trusting in Allah has tended to be the better practice.
Given the way your family addresses issues it is important to get to a place where you are open and honest and respectful of each other. This may require patience and professional intervention, perhaps the help of a family counselor who respects both you and your family.
Insha'Allah your cousin will be able to help the family by understanding some of your concerns perhaps he or someone else they respect can serve as a mediator or advisor to bring you and your family to common understanding and respect for each others beliefs.
Name
T.
-
Profession
Question
I met a girl about a year ago. Few days later I met her father too. She comes from a very religious family. Her father did not disagree with us getting to know each other, but he was against us seeing each other without his presence. In the very beginning we contacted mostly by short messages using our mobile phones. Later on I used to go to her home, with her father presence, and there we would talk. During the year that we know each other we have also met a few times on our own in a public places.
A few months ago we got engaged. I went to her place and asked her father for his permission to marry her. He approved. The problem is that we have some issues and we cannot get to marry for some time in the future. We have to wait at least one more year. Now we need advice on how to continue our relationship and to stay pure, to avoid haram things.
What is the difference now that we are engaged? Do we have bigger rights, can we see each other in public places, can I go to her place like I used to more often, can we talk on the phone? We use to talk over the phone a few times every day. We got really close and it could be very hard for us if we could not continue our communication and contact. We need to deal with many things about our future too, and we cannot talk about it over the phone.
We also heard that we could get marry just to make our contact halal (without living together), but I don't think that this is appropriate and could ruin our relationship later. What is your opinion about this?
There are several reasons why we have to wait so long before we can get marry. I need to finish my education so I could get a job, etc. But the biggest problem of all is my family. They are not so religious. This means that they know about Allah, but they don't do their prayers and other obligations. They would never allow me to get marry to this girl because she comes from a family that is very different than mine.
Firstly, her family understands Islam in another way than my family.
Secondly, her family is not very educated, and comes from a rural part of the city. My family is highly educated and getting higher positions. I hope that you understand the difference.
My parents warn me about these differences and say that we could never get along in the future (two of us, and my family with hers). They also say they would never accept this, and that they would keep trying to talk me over that marriage. I tried few times to talk with them about it, but it just won't work.
I'm having big problems with them because of my religious understanding and now I also want to get marry, and do not know what to do and how to behave. I know I have to obey my parents and listen to them and do what they say, but what can I do in a situation like this? Please respond to my question.
Answer
Dear T.
Compatibility is very important in marriage though it is not the only criteria for a solid marriage. I realize that different cultural groups handle marriage selection in different ways. I live in the United States so some of my thoughts are related to my professional experience and my life as an American Muslim.
The support and blessings of your parents as you embark upon your married life are very important especially when you face challenges in your marriage and have children. You don't want to start your married life off with your parents' disapproval.
It would have been better to have introduced them early on in your relationship so that they could get to know her for the person she is and the person you value and have come to love. Just as you were able to win her father's respect with time and patience insha'Allah she would have been able to win your parents respect and blessings.
My experience suggests that hiding and keeping secrets does not work. This does not build strong, and healthy family ties.
Now that you are engaged you will want to identify someone who can help you talk with your parents about the situation and about the young woman you want to marry. You will want someone who can help you respectfully convey her positive character and why marrying her is the right thing for you to do. You will want them to know that you realize there will be some challenges as there are in most marriages and that you may face more because of your differing social status and the differing perspectives your families have about religion but that with their support and her family's support and your commitment to Allah you will work to have a healthy, and strong marriage.
I would put moving forward in your relationship on hold until you resolve the issues with your parents. It is time to bring this out in the open before you go any farther in this relationship.
After and if your parents approve then she will be able to visit your family and you will be able to visit hers and you will be able to go in public places with a clear conscience and the support of both families.
If you are unable to get them to come around and you are not willing to cut ties with your family, which is prohibited in Islam, it may mean that this relationship is not the best for you or the young women. Allah knows best.
May Allah help you to resolve your situation with the best resolve.
Name
k
- Malaysia
Profession
Question
Hi. I am a 19 year old student who is about to face his final exams in just under a week. I pray four times a day (usually miss Subh (Dawn prayer) for some unknown reason), and I have yet to khatam the Qur'an (finish reciting the whole holy Qur'an). And here I am wondering what's wrong with me.
You see, I have some sort of disease: every four months my body suddenly releases large amounts of hormones and I suddenly become sexually active. However, when I say "sexually active" I do not mean I run around looking for women to make love to; I feel as if I need to make love to someone and get it over with. But, to avoid committing the heinous crime of Zina (adultry), I revert myself to watching porno, playing sex games online.
When I brought this problem forward to my American friends, they simply told me that it was "normal and that you should not be ashamed". In my mind, they (my American friends) are wrong. Yes, I am ashamed of myself reverting to such disgusting methods to fill the lonely gaps in my life. There are times when I go to bed, I feel as if someone is laying down beside me and whispering into my ear "you must commit sins". I try to fight it, but in the end I usually lose out.
Two days ago it began again -- my problem. And for two days I kept coming online to either watch or play porn based videos. I feel disgusted by myself. I dare not tell this problem to my parents, who I know will explode in a flurry of words and whips. Yes, I am aware that I have sinned; yes, there is little I do to avoid this; yes, it is all my fault. A couple of hours ago I prayed Zhuhr (Noon prayer), and I asked Allah for forgiveness, but I am unsure if I did it properly. I do not wish to further my sinful ways any longer, hence I have come here for help. Please, help me find the right path, for I am lost and pondering my routes.
Answer
Dear K.
It is normal and healthy to feel sexual desire. I am not a medical doctor but I don't think this is a disease. Watching porn movies and videos is not the healthiest way to handle the challenge you are facing. It leads to an unhealthy perspective about sex and it makes it dirty. Sex in Islam is a healthy part of the human being. It is important to develop a healthy way to address your sexual urges if you are not ready to get married.
It seems that since you are still in school you are not financially able to care for a wife and family. If you have the support of your family and you are emotionally and mentally mature enough for marriage I would suggest you start talking to your family about looking for someone who is compatible with you to marry.
In the mean time regarding the porn videos and sex games it is important to work on another way to handle the sexual urges until you are ready to get married. By the way you will want to end this behavior in order to become ready to marry. It tends to negatively affect married life. You will not want to engage in viewing porn if you want a healthy married life.
You have developed a habit in going to the porn when you feel these urges. You have to now develop a new habit of going to Allah for help when you feel these urges. Ask Him for help to resist the porn and to deal with your sexual urges in a healthy manner. Also perhaps you can broaden your involvement in your university and providing community service. Giving back to others, planning and implementing programs of service to the community in between your studies, helping your family, becoming involved sports and exercise, engaging in remembrance of Allah and regular reading of Qur'an are things that you can do to help you balance your sexual urges.
I suggest you repent, forgive yourself, ask Allah for help to stay away from the porn, get involved in learning more about Islam, remembering and learning to recite Qur'an, engaging in community service, and helping your family. Fasting on Monday and Thursdays, having balanced yet religiously mindful friends and keeping all of your prayers will insha`Allah help you as well. When you feel the urges go to exercise or pray.
Insha'Allah with time you will change your habit to behavior that is more healthy and Allah will bless you to become the kind of person who will be a good husband and will bless you with a woman who will be a good wife for you.
May Allah bless you with new and healthy habits and the best resolve.
Name
Editor
-
Profession
Answer
At the end, we would like to thank Dr. Aneesah Nadir for her presence with IslamOnline readers today. And we appologize for not being able to answer all questions for time constraints.
