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Yours,
IOL Homepage Editor
Name
Fatma
- Australia
Profession
Question
Salam Dr,
Have you seen/heard on the news about the Russian baby who was developing rashes on his body which actually spelt out ayats of the quran??? Subhanallah
Well I actually only saw them yesterday, and was absolutely astonished! anyways, I couldn't believe it.
anyways, this has really made me see things from a different light, alhumdullah, I would really like to wear the hijab (I've been thinking bout it for a while now) but I'm just scared that I will change my mind and take it off and my mothers says that would be bad.
How can I maintain this high level of Iman and wear the hijab and in-sha-Allah keep it on ?
Salam :)
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Sister,
Yes I have heard this news, but I have not investigated the credibility of the reports.
I feel it is very wonderful that you are wanting to wear hijab. You will most certainly experience many blessings from wearing it. Imam is something that often grows over time. And hijab is often a practice that takes time to feel comfortable with. The more you wear it, the more you feel "normal" in it, and after while, you will actually feel "naked" if you don't have it on.
IslamOnline.net has many articles about hijab. I believe that if you put hijab into the search engine, you will find many articles and posts about it. If you read what the other sisters are writing about it, and about their own experiences, your IMAM will very likely become even stronger.
Surely you will be inspired and rewarded for your efforts.
Salaam,
Dr. Maryam
Name
Muslim
- Solomon Island
Profession
Question
Salam Dr.,
How can one deal with a difficult and stubborn wife?
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Brother,
I feel your frustration. Writing here is one good tool that you can use, so, you did the right thing.
There are behavioral techniques that one can use to assist in circumventing defenses of a loved one. However, you will have to play detective and find out why she is being stubborn. Behaviors always serve a function, and that function is to get a need met. Find out what she needs. Her needs might be emotional... but it is your job to find out. Then you can help her get her needs met in a more appropriate manner.
For me to really give you any suggestions, I need you to be more specific. Describe "stubborn"...is it that she is refusing to obey you? Is she doing something that you don't like? Is she arguing? Describe the behavior in observable terms so that I know what it is. Then we can work on ways to gently, lovingly gain her cooperation in the areas that you want her to cooperate in . Please write in with more details. I am here every Sunday at GMT 16:00. (Last Sunday was cancelled due to an unexpected situation, but we will resume our regular scheduled sessions).
Salaam,
Dr. Maryam
Name
rosin
-
Profession
student
Question
assalamu alaikum Dr.,
Do we wear rings in index and forefingers??
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Rosin,
The most common place to wear a ring is on the "ring finger" which is the finger next to the index, or pointer finger.
The hand has: Thumb, Index, middle finger, ring finger, then pinkie.
Most people who wear rings wear them on the ring finger, but in addition you will see many wearing them on the other fingers also.
If you are asking me if it is haram, I would refer you to our "ask the scholars" as they are experts in the area of Islamic Jurisprudence:
http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellite?cid=1118742803355&pagename=IslamOnline-English-Ask_Scholar/Page/FatwaCounselE
Salaam,
Dr.Maryam
Name
asmaa
- Germany
Profession
Question
assalamu alaykum wa rahmat Allah wa barkaatuh, may Allah reward you for your efforts on helping our Ummah, ameen ya rab.
my question is: is it permissible for me to ask Allah in my duas to keep someone (who has done a lot of bad to me ) away from my life? the person in question is my husband, and he has never provided for me or his children until now, has cheated me in all possible ways, and he abuses me psychologically speaking, threatening me to take my children away if I would try to get a divorce from him. Since I am living alone with my children, ( he lives together with another one, whom he has married), and I don't have any family members to help me in case he would get violent, I am always afraid and so I go on accepting everything. My only hope is my prayers to Allah, and this is the reason of my question.. may I ask Allah to keep this man away from my life? even he being my "husband", although he doesn't do his obligations? jazakum Allahu khayran... fi aman Allah barak Allahu fikum
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Asmaa,
It sounds to me as if you are asking for protection and healing from the harm that was done to you. I am not a scholar, but I cannot see anything wrong with that. Obviously, I must refer you to the scholars for questions related to fatwa. We have a special section on IslamOnline.net called "ask the scholars" I encourage you to submit your questions to them also:
I would encourage you to make dua for protection from psychological and emotional abuse and for strength and healing for yourself and for your family.
As far as your rights are concerned in light of marriage, divorce and children, I would refer you to our esteemed scholars as they are experts in Islamic jurisprudence. Once you are informed you can also pray for guidance.
For your own psychological and emotional well being, I suggest that you define your own life goals and how you would like to live with your children for now. Then, pray to Allah to help you meet these goals in addition to protecting you from further abuse. Remember you can also pray to Allah for your sustenance. Know also that Allah sees all, and you husband is not hiding his bad behavior from Allah.
If you fear violence from your husband, it is naturally wise to find a way to be protected from that. You also have an obligation to protect you children from harm. You must take care of yourself if you are going to take care of your children.
Sister, if you are in danger, you must reach out. You must find someone to talk to about your situation and ask for help. Women are often afraid to escape serious threats to their lives and to their children's well being because of these kinds of threats from the husband. Only you know how severe the threat of serious violence and injury you are living with. Don't go down this path alone. Call someone, a professional, or your local Imam, or a trusted sister in your community.
Salaam,
Dr.Maryam
Name
muslimah
-
Profession
Question
Salam Dr.,
I have question about marriage. I got engaged more than two years ago but could not get married because one of my cousins who called my fiance's parent and told him that I was engaged with him which is not true and threatened him. Prior to this instance my cousin also intervened and threatened the family where I was getting engaged and that engagement ended too. Later on my fiance's dad put a condition unless my cousin and his family agree to the marriage, it wont take place while my fiance wants to marry me but he thinks unless his father agrees the marriage cant take place. And by each passing day we are getting closer and we fear we may commit zina. We are getting old and I suggested to my fiance we should marry in secret which my parents approve of (and in their presence).Both our families have done istikhara and have seen positive dreams. Both me and my fiance don't want to marry elsewhere.We both just want to get married soon, as we don't want to persist in sins. I don't think I can find a better guy than him as he has both good character and is religious. So I need your guidance on the issue if he marries secret. Considering our situation, is it permissible? Also how can we convince his father to have the marriage? and how can we get people not to threaten us unjustly?
Answer
Salaam, Muslimah,
Please ask a scholar about this. We have esteemed scholars on IslamOnline.net under the "ask the scholar" section:
Really, I don't understand why your fiancé's family is letting your cousin have this much power. Your cousin has not rights to you, a woman has the right to chose her own husband.
Eventually, your marriage will be known to all, so, I am not sure this really qualifies for a "secret" marriage, you are not really hiding it, you are just being discrete to avoid problems. It sounds like your future husband's parents will be in agreement once they see everything is going to be OK.
You might try having a heart to heart talk with your fiancé's father and assure him that no harm will come to his family if you marry, and let him know that your own parents have given you permission to marry this man. This might help you get his blessings, which would make things easier for you and your future husband. You can also ask the scholars, and show your future husband's father what the scholars have to say about this, and persuade him to understand that your cousin's family has no right to you.
Let me know what you think. If all else fails, and you have received guidance from the scholars, and you feel good about it, I see no reason not to proceed with your marriage. Again, I don't see this as secret, only sad if your husband's father cant' be a happy part of this beautiful event.
Salaam,
Dr. Maryam
Name
Noura
- Egypt
Profession
Marketing Manager
Question
Dear Dr.,
I am 34 years old, married to a wonderful man and have a 6 year old girl. We have been trying to conceive another baby for the past 3 years but with no luck. No major problems exist so they told us we have what they call unexplained infertility. In general, I am handling fine but I am afraid that God might be punishing me because when I first gave birth to my daughter I used to say that I will not have another child soon because it is too exhausting especially with my job as well. I took contraception for 2 years. Now it seems I cant have one at all although no doctor found any problems. I repented sincerely for that. Sometimes this depresses me a lot and I feel sorry for my kid who grows up without a sibling. I know everything is by destiny and I always pray to God to make me satisfied with what I have because I have such a great family and a little girl who everyone praises. But still sometimes I feel very depressed.
Thanks for listening...
Answer
Assalam Alaykum Sister Noura,
First, Allah is not punishing you. It is true that nothing happens except for the will of Allah... and if it is not His will, i.e. it didn't happen, it is also in our best interest, for reasons that neither you nor I can explain, to either wait, or have only one child. Time will tell how many children you are to have.
Still, if you have hoped to have more children and you are grieving that your hope is not being realized, remember that Allah knows you heart and is All Compassionate. So, be kind to yourself.
With that said, I would like to mention that in some cases, unexplained infertility "miraculously" disappears when the couple stops thinking about having a baby. Only ALLAH really knows why, although some theorize that the couple relaxes. It wouldn't hurt to let go, let Allah, and allow life to unfold and see what happens. This way you can be open to the blessing that Allah has for you and your family and you will be ready to walk through whatever door Allah opens for you. I also want to double check...have both of you been tested by fertility experts? I'm just curious. Your post implies that you have, but it is not specific. Still Allah does know best.
As for your darling little girl, there are many happy single siblings in the world. We need the woman that she is going to be. She has a wonderful mother to teach her and she will be giving great gift to the world and humanity alhamdulillah. Please, no worries. The worries are what really make thing difficult for a child. I am sure you are actively finding friends for her to play with and helping her develop a social life. Only children often develop into the best diplomats and are excellent at navigating through the world and have access to a wealth of wisdom that children who have sibling don't have an opportunity to acquire. This is because they often learn how to interact and engage with adult at a very young age, and they learn a lot through this process. It is a different life than on with siblings, but it is an adventure and a very full and rewarding life. Allah is shaping your daughter for something... time will reveal what this is.
Thank you so very much for writing in. You sound like such a wonderful mother. I hope some of my words of encouragement have been helpful to you.
Salaam,
Dr. Maryam
Name
muslima
-
Profession
Question
assalamualaikum Dr.,
This is traumatic muslima firstly thanks for the email responses alhamdulillah. the unfolding future and still not knowing what I want doesn't feel good Dr. I feel guilty with like I just waste the time flies with nothing "meaning to do" besides reading, house chores, taking care of my mom and nephew.. My mind sometimes full with my ex things but sometimes I stop it with get busy myself doing things. sometimes I know the only thing again is to marry again but feels like i still can't have full "ME" and I am worried if I continue to search for relationship will not working well because i still have my old baggage how do you think dr ? ( ( i do still wants to marry again soon and thinking i will just marry to anyone as long as i feel OK though my gut telling not to do it ) if the man approach me sometime i feel worried to being rejected again or i don't know what i should do to knowing him well. Because I did it to my ex it still doesn't guarantee after marriage will be like that again. so so many worries related with man things.
I talk to myself like I am talking to him that "I am hurtful but I forgive you and still love but not in love with you" and I wonder what what it means with to forgive ourselves/myself and how?
I forget again what I should to start my life again. anything seems wrong. But of course I pray, make dua and I surrender everything to Allah SWT knowing just the not knowing what I really want and what I should is like I lost in treasure island
Wassalamualaikum
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Sister,
Thank you so much for writing in.
I would like to be bold today and remind you that reading will make you wise, house chores is one of the most important work that be done by any human... we often fail to realize what the world would be like if no one cared to do that, and I want every one reading this post to applaud you for this work... we cannot function as human beings on this earth an in community without our precious homemakers... you do good and meaningful work; taking care of your mother and nephew is equal to serving Allah... it is literally worship if you understand that... Please do not underestimate the value of what you do with your time. Your presence in your home is the healing energy that the world needs... so don't forget how important you are and how important what you are doing with your time is.
What I have noticed as a theme throughout our many communications is that you do not take time to do something for yourself that will help you to regenerate and feel good. Perhaps the reading helps you a bit, but it is time for you to imagine a project that you can do that will give you pleasure...something simple and just for you..be it gardening, or sewing, art, whatever you can see yourself doing as a hobby... just for now while you are healing.
Time will take care of the "baggage". You are doing a good job processing, and I encourage you to keep doing that and writing me the e-mails in between the Sunday sessions. This is how your "baggage" will eventually disappear. Wait for a little while longer before you enter into a new marriage. Let's find something that you like doing, that is fun first. Give this time. Listen to youth gut.
Work on self acceptance, and self forgiveness will follow. Keep reminding yourself that ALLAH created you... ALLAH knows your heart... ALLAH loves you Say to yourself over and over again (PUT THIS ON YOUR WALL) " I am a beloved creation of ALLAH"
Writ in your journal everything that you feel guilty about...then look at it again and determine if this guilt is truly deserved. If you are like most of us, you will find that you did some things wrong, could have done some things better, or with more grace, and some things, you simply should not even feel guilty about. Now cross of your list that which you should not feel guilty about! And remind yourself, that when we make mistakes, it is usually because we don't have certain skills, knowledge, insight. Use the art of positive repentance and determine to acquire the skills, knowledge and insight to prevent yourself from making the same mistake again... you will see that repentance is an act of self love...loving yourself the way ALLAH intended... it is not punitive, it is liberating. Underneath each thing that you feel you need to change...write the truth, ALLAH is most Merciful, ALLAH is the Forgiver, ALLAH is my Strength, my Raab. I am a beloved creation of ALLAH... actually write this in your journal several times, it will make a difference.
DO this work for now. The direction of your life will unfold as you heal. For now, do the journaling, and the fun hobby in addition to what you are doing now. When you are feeling "ambitious" you can writing in your journal possible life goals that seem to inspire you... we can work on that too, Don't pressure yourself into accomplishing those life goals, just dot ht work of exploring them for now... the time will come for action. For now, go easy on yourself, you are doing a great job. Remember, you will most likely marry again, and you will likely have children.. the work you are doing now is developing you so that you will be an absolutely beautiful wife and mother both inside and out... so this work that you are doing right now is very important. You will have a better you to offer you future husband and children. Remember one day at a time.
Salaam for now,
Hope to hear from you soon,
Dr.Maryam
Name
muslima
-
Profession
Question
Assalamualaikum,
It's me again (traumatic muslima) wants too add you about that you were right that " It sounds like your depression is partly due to your making such a huge investment into your marriage with absolutely no return. It is a loss "
and my heart really broken since I put all my trust. don't know how to heal but I already try all and did your suggestion it helps though still having a lot of breakdown but that's all what I can do now. I believe one day Allah SWT will heal me.
I know I still have one thing to do again which is exercise ( this is my favorite) but I still so lazy to do to start.
about the broken heart i tell myself it is ok to love him which i still do because this feeling is not my choose but Allah gift and i tell myself one of the way I love him is to release him to be happy without me as I promise to him to give the divorce and i keep my promise. But about the way he divorce me with betrayed me it hurt but he choose to do that way which is very bad ending. so i guess even i am not smart not having a model body at least I have love and integrity, sincerity, honesty but those things man do not needed i guess.
Funny Dr I told him before married all my weakness and I only those things in me and its all ok but then its nothing. the body became problem, the sincerity, honesty became something naive and dumb thing not a smart person. all, all thing value became devalue and just "bam" i was thrown to the trash.
I am not blaming anyone here or hopefully this is not ghibah may Allah SWT see it as a part of way to be heal. I am worried i am doing ghibah ( talking behind other person back ). Because i still believe he is a good person like me and other human made mistake
Wassalamualaikum.
Answer
Salaam Sister,
Yes, Allah will heal you. I believe this with my heart too.
As for exercise... you can ease yourself into it. Just go for a stroll once a day. Don't put a bunch of expectations on yourself... allow yourself to make it fun. Put some music on, and move to the music until you feel good. This will increase the endorphins in your system and will help allot. After several days of this, you will find yourself moving more and naturally exercising more... then you can work on getting your momentum back... make little goals... and let them build upon each other... make sure you give yourself credit for doing it too. Star with 1/2 of fun, enjoyable movement daily, or 3 15 minute sessions... you get the idea...
Yes, it is OK to love him..and it is OK to feel everything that you are feeling. It is you and how you feel. Remember to make your exercise feel fun and good and love the body that ALLAH gave you, men do not leave their wife over a body... it is usually something inside themselves that they are unable to resolve... you know this... and yes, you also have love, integrity, sincerity, and honestly, and a healthy man will definitely appreciate your good qualities. And you are very intelligent... I believe you know this in your heart. Honestly, I feel sorry for you husband's loss, one day, I am sure he will realize that he lost someone very precious, but we will let ALLAH help him. This is your time. No worries about ghibah sister, you have not mentioned the name of this man, you are processing in a safe place, anonymously... and you have a very kind and generous heart. Yes you are healing and this is a good place to work stuff out.
Thank you soooo much for writing here for this session.
Salaam,
Dr. Maryam
Name
sinner muslim
- Solomon Island
Profession
admin
Question
Salam Dr.,
I gave my wife triple talaq in a state of anger, scholars have noted to me that this talaq is invalid and against quran. I can't understand my actions, both my wife and I are in a state of hurt and uncertainty. kindly advise
Answer
Salaam Brother,
First of all, I am not a scholar, and I must refer you to the scholars for questions related to fatwa. We have a special section on IslamOnline.net called "ask the scholars" I encourage you to submit your questions to them also:
Secondly, Let's start by praising and thanking Allah for his never ending Mercy and for sustaining your marriage so far. It does sound like both you and your wife are in a world of hurt. Please know that there is HOPE.
The work that you will both be doing includes learning how to communicate needs effectively, learning conflict resolution skills, and learning how to support each other in healing the hurts that you both have between you. There are not skills that people are born with, they are learned. So, be patient. Anger is caused by fear... and fear has many different roots. It can also be an expression of depression, and sometimes anger expressed outwardly is really an expression of anger that you are feeling toward yourself. Even so, the root of all these is fear.
The journey of self understanding, and learning how to become truly intimate at the heart level with your spouse (and there is likely allot of fear in this area) will likely require you to apply yourself and really focus on what is happening inside you, as well as becoming aware of what is going on around you.
With that said, the beginning of the healing journey with your wife will start with both of you recommitting to your marriage and acknowledging that you want to co-create with the help of ALLAH, a loving, safe, and healthy marriage, with foundations of trust and understanding. And whatever you do...NEVER USE TALAQ... while you are taking the first steps in healing yourself, and your marriage... promise yourself that you will go for a walk, go to a friend's house, go to the masjid.... write down 3 things that you can choose from... to avoid using those words.... healing starts with this.
Next... tell your wife that you want to work on this together and ask her to commit to this journey with you. If you do not get a positive response at first, don't react... take a deep breath, take that walk... and just work on it alone for awhile. Sometimes the initial response is not what we want it to be because we must first establish rapport and trust.
Next, find a trusted counselor or clinician and get into an anger control group where you can learn techniques of managing emotions. So many of us did not have the opportunity to learn how to do this while growing up. If you do just this much, your entire life will improve. Through this process you will learn assertiveness, communication, and conflict resolution as well as to be nice to yourself when you are feeling overwhelming emotions and fear...and you will learn what to do with those emotions and fears.
Next, try to find an Islamic marriage counselor. This can often really help a couple in reconnecting at a heart level, overcoming fears and defenses to connecting at a heart level, and in building trust. Trust takes a long time to develop, so be very , very patient.
One day at a time. You can do this. Your marriage is the most important relationship. It is the foundation of community and society and our Ummah. This process will not only bring you closer to your wife, and increase stability and the capacity for shared joy, but it will be the most spiritually enlightening experience and process that you can imagine... it will bring you closer to authentic intimacy, and the blessings and spiritual growth and enlightenment that you will receive from that is absolutely indescribable... thus, marriage is one half our deen... don't give up brother. The beauty is that, once this is achieved, you will finally be able to say that you fit each other like a nice big comfy sweater.... yes... you will both be comfortable with each other, and you will have a best friend. For now, one day at a time.
If you feel the need to process your fear, emotions, or want additional consultation, you can e-mail me at Dr.Maryamiol@live.com.
Let me know if this encouragement has been helpful to you and please keep writing in. I am usually here in Sundays at GMT 1600.
Salaam,
Dr. Maryam
Name
ali
- Australia
Profession
Question
Salam,
I have a problem with missing Fajr prayer. for the last 2 years I haven't prayed it. I wake up at fajr every day but find it difficult to take the next step which is to pray. I have had wicked dreams and I am in a state of madness and really stressed because no matter how hard I try I still can't get up and I know there is punishment waiting for me. how can I deal with the prayer and the mindset of this problem??
Answer
Salaam, Ali,
How do you know for sure there is punishment waiting? Do not you have faith that Allah knows your heart and what you are experiencing? Don't judge yourself, only Allah can judge... ask Allah to help you.
I know something about developing routines and habits, so maybe this techniques will help you.
We are going to reset your biological sleep wake cycle to make it easier for you to get up for Fajr prayer. For one week, get up only 15 minutes prior to your usual time of waking. Do this for one week for every 15 minute increments. You will be going to be early also. You might have to take a nap in the day before Isha, then go to ed right after Isha. Even if you don't fall asleep, your body is still resting, and you are teaching it to change its cycles (gently)
This can take three months, so be nice to yourself. Your efforts will be rewarded. If you are able to get up, get up... even while changing your biological cycle, as this will speed up the process. If you miss the prayer, remember to make it up and pray extra rakats and make dua.
Also, remember that the mind is easily distracted...so if it has shifted and attached itself to the world and the business of this world, then you will want to shift it back to prayer. Prayer makes the daily life in the world soo much easier, but we forget this. Also, if you make an effort to focus on your wadu, and do it as a meditation, with your mind fully engaged in the wudu, your focus in your prayers will be much stronger. And be aware of what you are cleaning...you hands...so that you touch no evil or meddle into things that you shouldn't, your arms to purify your reach, your mouth so that only good comes out of it, your nose so that you breath in purity, your face and eyes to keep you sight on only that which is good and to revitalize you, your head to clean your thoughts, your ears so that you pay attention and listen to that which you should and ignore that which is not good, protecting you from gossip, and opening you up to Allah's word...you feet so that they will carry you to good places and keep you from entering into evil... think about those things... each time you do wudo...and your prayers will feel different to you. If you get into this state of mind where you are quiet, filled with worship for our Lord, and receptive to His whisper...only once a day, while making sure to do all five prayers, even if you have to make them up.... you will make great progress.
I hope this is helpful
Salaam,
Dr.Maryam
Name
muslima
-
Profession
Question
Assalamualaikum Dr.,
It's me (traumatic muslima) I wrote 2 posted on Sunday but seem like your schedule was changed so I didn't get answer.
First let me say thank you for the email and responses, I still don't have motivated to do for myself like get a job, going out. so I still on my safe cave (at home) I feel guilty though seems like i wasted my time while time is really worth but I don't have motivated to do those things i mention ( not excited to do those ) I still do the same day on daily.
I don't know what i really wants for my life, not sure/not motivated to start this unfolding journey. doesn't feel good with the unknown what i want and if i force to do those feels like something big burden me and tiring. I trully really don't know what i really want, maybe i guess i know which is i wants to get marry again but other side i know my emotion still not stable.
sometimes i feel i will found "ME" again if i marry or have someone again but other side also i guess is not right to feel like that because i can't depend on someone to found me.. maybe i just want to continue my unrealistic dream on the previous marriage. and you were right i making hugh investment on my previous marriage so when it failed its like i feel its not done yet but i can not continue if i don't have the spouse.
the note it's been 10 months from the divorce but it's better
so well Dr the title on my post is "I don't know"
Jazakallah khairan
Wassalamualaikum
Answer
Wa Alaykum ASsalam,
Yes, we had to reschedule the session for today. I am happy you were able to write in today also. I did respond to your last posts and it it's already posted on today's session.
You are on the right track. You are doing your work in healing. You seem to be presenting as more stable over time... and remember, this does take time. You will be married again inshallah, and your chance of having a very good marriage are very high because you are doing this work now. 10 months isn't that long. Give yourself at least a year. It is very common to need two years before you are ready for marriage. You will know when the time is right for you. Meanwhile, keep staying connected. That will help to ease the loneliness that can cause a person to marry prematurely. Stay focused on our own personal growth for now, you are really doing a great job, and you are truly an amazing and beautiful woman.
Salaam,
Dr.Maryam
Name
Sorayah
- Australia
Profession
Question
Salam Dr,
I spoke with you a while ago about having to take care of my younger brother and sister following my mothers passing. It was going very well, but now my younger brother has been asking to go out with his friends to parties (where there is alcohol and girls) and although I let him go, I ensure to pick him up at about 11.30pm... he is now asking to go out longer. He has developed a very rude attitude towards me (he is only 16 yrs) and sometimes doesn't even do as I ask in regard to his chores. I don't know what to do????
Also my younger sister who is 10 has become very childish in her behavior, almost as though she is regressing. I notice this behavior only at home, while she is at school or with her aunties her behavior appears to be quite mature.
How do I deal with my younger brother?? I'm scared that I'm losing him, he has always been such a wonderful boy with a big heart but lately things have changed, my dad doesn't seem to have time for them because he is working full time- so there has never really been a strong bond between them, you could almost say there is no bond.
Any advice would be appreciated,
salam wa'alaikum
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Sorayah,
Yes, I do remember you. I am happy that you decided to write in.
I highly recommend that you find some support, as rearing children is no easy task. Perhaps you can find some friends by going to the masjid, or find a trusted family member to be a support for you as you handle all this responsibility. Is there any way that you can get your father to talk about this with you, so that you can work together in developing a strategy to help your brother, and to enlist the assistance of your father?
Although It is unwise to allow your brother to go to parties, the stage has been set, so reversing this will take some skill. So, although forbidding him now might just make matters worse, you can make sure that he knows your values and that you will not condone it. Also, you do not have to take him to those parties, (that is enabling), and you can tell him that if he is going to make such unwise decisions in his life, that you will not in any way help him to destroy his own life and his future.
He is really too old to be able to gain "instructional control" if that has not already been established, and since you are his sister stepping at a later age, this will be difficult to establish. Rather, you will want to gain his trust in you as a wise guide that he will turn to for direction and advise in his life. If we "play" this right, he will pass through this stage, and come back to you for guidance on his own.
Feeling rebellious at age 16 is normal. For now, since the situation is at this level, see if you can't get him interested in something more healthy than partying. Perhaps sports, and some new friends. He is at an age where he is likely to just go his own way. Providing encouragement to work on his future goals, and get involved in healthy activities might be a wiser approach than provoking a head on confrontation.
Remember also, that your siblings may still be mourning the loss of your parents, without even realizing it. (and you also need to take care of you) Still, both of you siblings are behaving in "normal" ways for their age.
For now, develop a good structure and routine for the house, with regular meal times, and shower times, and family time etc. Even if they don't participate, make the routine and structure a part of the home.
Ask your brother to talk with you heart to heart about these matters. Definitely tell him how you feel, and about your concern for him. Avoid getting into a head on conflict with him as at this age, as that approach will likely result in even more severe defiance. Do let him know you are very concerned and that you feel he has a bright future and that you would like to help him develop goals for his future and support him in achieving those goals.
Ask him to take you to the masjid... he might make some male friends who can be a good example and mentor for him there. Encourage him to come close to Allah and to walk this journey with you for awhile. Also, ask him to help you with your little sister.
As for your little sister, just keep her close to you and take her with you when you go places. She will learn by your example, so be a good role model for her. You can gain instructional control over her if you do this, and she will likely defer to your authority when she is older if you establish this relationship now.
Let me know if this has been helpful, and keep me posted on how things are going. Please write in again soon.
Salaam,
Dr.Maryam
Name
Saud
- India
Profession
under graduate student
Question
As-Salaamu alaikum,
I am going through the phase of laziness and depression, and I have lots of assignments to submit. Please help me to overcome from laziness. I want to study something new related to my studies, but every time I start I feel lazy to complete that work. I want to follow a right path to achieve my goals. Please help me in this regard.
Answer
Salaam Saud,
First, make sure you are in good health. You may have a low grade cold, infection, or even a thyroid issue, or other undetected medical condition. Go to your medical doctor for a full medical examination.
If you are indeed in good health, and you are not suffering from any sort of depression, then the procrastination is probably a result of feeling overwhelmed by the project. Sometime when our mind looks at the whole project that needs to be achieved, it reacts by saying to us, "no way!" even though we, ourselves want to achieve it... this will make us feel immobilized. The way to overcome this is to set up a place where you are going to complete your work... this will set your subconscious mind and put it to work on solving the work related problems... it will relax your conscious mind and prepare it and regenerate it. Next, you will divide the project into manageable parts... so that you are not looking at all of it at once. Organize the work into the sections that you will be working on...and put them in order... then write a To DO list with first things first. Now, get a calendar, and write down what you will complete on each day... don't over load it, be rational and realistic. Set a time for "work" each day, in a place that does not have distractions...this place is only for doing your assignments, and nothing else. Show up for work no matter what...and do the work that you are assigned to do on that day.
If you are really behind and have a deadline to meet, and allot of work, you might consider what I call "the cram"...and take it all to a different location, away from everyone and anything that can remind you of other things or your usual routine...even go to a hotel all by yourself, with just you and your work, and nothing else to do but your work... stay there until you are done... (I have done this myself, it works)
Then once you get through this emergency, consider organizing yourself as I mentioned for your next cycle of assignments.
At a time when you do not have deadlines, and you have extra time...after your current assignments are complete...write down your goals and put them up on the wall in the area where you will be completing your assignments. The work that you are doing are steps to achieving this goal. This will be a constant reminder of that and will put your subconscious mind to work for you.
I hope some of my ideas are helpful for you. Let me know how you are doing when you get a chance.
Salaam,
Dr. Maryam
Name
Wife
-
Profession
Question
Salam Dr.,
I have been married for 6 years now & I'm constantly suffering from various problems. When I think its all over, something else starts & then everything goes wrong again. I cant mention everything on here, but is there an email address where I can email you directly? It is much appreciated.
Answer
Salaam Sister,
You can email me for consultation at Dr.Maryamiol@live.com.
Name
Muhammad
- Australia
Profession
student
Question
Salam,
if an atheist says since time began, no body who lost a hand or a leg had prayed to God and got another one. therefore God does not exist.
how will you deal with this point?
Answer
Salaam Muhammad,
Ignore such statements as they are designed to throw you off your sound reasoning. This statement has nothing to do with whether there is a creator or not. The most you can say to this is that the Creator created the laws of nature and that you don't feel that you are the one to challenge the Laws of Nature that only Allah can create.
But when someone takes you to this argumentative path, the goal is to distract you into an intellectual game the utterly becomes nonsense, so be careful.
When I talk to atheists, I ask them what they believe... so far every atheist I have met has given me a theory of existence. I remind the atheist that the term "a theist" is if Greek origin and literally means a=not, or non theist=theory...thus a REAL atheist cannot have any theory. Atheist literally means "Not a theist", ... really, I have never met a theist. Even the Gnostics have theories about creation and ALLAH. Once the "atheist" becomes aware of the fact the he or she has been searching for the trust of existence, and has some theories about that, you can work on examining those theories. The beauty is, that anyone who sincerely and honestly seeks to discover the truth will find Islam... you can find it through the scientific path, through the emotional path, through the study of the history of religion, though the study of the history of mankind... whatever path an individual uses to find truth... the path will naturally lead him or her to ALLAH and the conclusion will be that it is in one's own best interest to submit to the will of ALLAH, as using our own will always produces less than desirable results...once a person has come to these conclusion, they are indeed Muslims..they will read the quaran and their conclusions will be verified by the Quran... they will then become curious and learn of how the quran came into existence. With this knowledge, they will come to an appreciation for our prophet Mohammad (PBUH). It is a process, as those who call themselves atheists, are usually very intellectual... and part of understanding Allah is through experience..and one must quiet the mind in order to gain insight and wisdom... be patient.
One day at a time... wishing you the best in your debates:)
Salaam,
Dr. Maryam
Name
Nadia
- United Arab Emirates
Profession
CSR
Question
Salam Dr.,
I am 24 yrs old female, First of all thank you for providing such an informative site .
My question would be regarding second marriage. I want to ask that is it permissible for me to pray to Allah that I should get married to a man who is already married? Or will it be a sin on my part to pray for being a second wife? Can I do Istikhara for this reason? Will it be valid?
Answer
Assalam Alaykum Sister Nadia,
I am not a scholar, so please do bring this question to our esteemed scholars at the ask the scholar department on this website:
I am sure you will find a lot of guidance on this subject if you also research the archives and answers that are already there. Also, IslamOnline.net has an archive of article written about second marriages. It might be wise to research them and read up.
With that said, I don't see why it would be a sin to pray to be married to a man that you sincerely feel would be a good marriage partner and would help you to complete your deen, if this is your true heart's desire. There are situations where taking a second wife might be unwise and would cause disharmony in the family system. There are also situations where taking a second wife is the wise approach. It is wise to investigate and learn about the actual situation so that you can make an informed decision. Still, Allah knows best. The man who is considering taking a second wife might also consider praying to ALLAH for guidance.
As for your own happiness in this situation, consider what your lifestyle will be, what your duties as a second wife will be, and what provisions and protections that this man intends to give you. Make sure that your own best interest are taken in to account here as this will increase the probability of a successful marriage should it come about. Additionally, proceed with caution as men take second wives for many reasons. Make sure that the man you are considering has healthy and wise reasons for seeking a second wife.
Of course you can pray Istikhara for any major life changing decision. I encourage you to do so.
I hope my feedback has been helpful.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
shafiq
- Pakistan
Profession
chemist
Question
Salam Dr.,
My brother is diagnosed as schizophrenic. He is taking haloperidol, but he is not improving. Can you suggest some treatment or therapy by which he may be able to lead life near to normal.
jaza ka allah khair
Answer
Salaam Shafiq,
I am so sorry that you and your brother are struggling with this very disabling disorder. You will need to work very closely with your prescribing psychiatrist. Usually there is a "cocktail" of medications that will work for while, and it is not unusual to need to change the medication combination every so often. I hesitate to suggest any one kind of medication as I do not know the actual presentation of you brother. You will want to know if he is experiencing delusions, anxiety, hallucinations, paranoia, etc. There are soo many things to take into consideration when attempting to find the appropriate therapies for someone with schizophrenia. For example, differentiating if you brother is experiencing delusional thinking, or has a sensory information processing issue is very important. This will guide the choice of interventions. A real hallucination whether audio, or visual is experienced as something occurring outside of you, and is not a delusion cause by faulty thinking processes. Yes, faulty sensory information processing can be very similar to a hallucination, but is caused from a different mechanism. So, you will want a thorough assessment from a qualified doctor. Unfortunately, all we can really do with schizophrenia at this time is treat the symptoms and hope to alleviate some suffering. Many people who have schizophrenia, and are able to managing their symptoms, are able to live well in the community and experience quality of life. The type of schizophrenia will tell you allot about the likely prognosis. Most important is that the family member find support groups and receive psycho-education about this disorder. It is also helpful to know the likely prognosis, as some forms of schizophrenia will proceed to get worse over time, and some will be more manageable. Knowing what to expect can really help a family adjust to the situation. Joining a support groups will help the family manage the stress of caring for a loved one with mental illness, and will empower the family to be an effective advocate for their loved one as well.
AS for an actual list of medication, I can mention the most commonly use anti psychotic drugs,: Chloromazine (thorazine), Triflupromazine (mellaril), Fluphenazine (prolixin) prochlorperazine (Compazine), Trifuoperazine ( Stelazine)Clorprothixene (Taractan), Thiothixene (Navane) Molindone (Moban), Loxapine (loxitane), Clozapine (clozaril) Haloperidol (which you are using), Resperidone (risperdal), and Plozide (orap). The medication's ability to block D2 dopamine receptors correlates with their clinical efficacy, and it is through trial and error that we find the one that works best for each individual. Sometimes one drug will work for awhile, and you will need to switch, and then in time, even switch back. It takes time to find the right combination that has the least amount of negative side effects. And often, antidepressants and anti anxiety medications are prescribed as well, depending on the need.
Supportive therapy, such as psycho-education about the disorder, and symptom management and group therapy can be very helpful to an individual with schizophrenia. The more the individual knows about the mental disorder, the more empowered he or she will be in learning how to manage his or her symptoms, and taking actual classes in identifying and managing symptoms is very highly recommended. With that said, there are allot of approaches and techniques that the person who has schizophrenia can learn... I feel the most important one is what I call "reality checks" If your brother can learn how to ask a trusted friend (you?) if what he is thinking is real, or delusional, then that give him the ability to then use his symptom management tools. This can be taught after he is stabilized. So, the first thing you need to do is talk with your prescribing doctor and address the symptoms that are keeping your brother from being able to learn these techniques. He does have to be stabilized first.
I pray that this information has been helpful. Please let me know how YOU are doing as you work with the ups and downs of caring for a beloved family member with this disorder.
Salaam,
Dr. Maryam
Name
Mariam
- Egypt
Profession
teacher
Question
salam,
My faith used to be strong, I used to have blind trust in Allah, but after my sister's recent divorce, I lost most of it, I feel her istikhara prayer was in vain, although she was righteous and pious and very serious, this was a real shock for me, I lost completely hope in this life, in people, in myself, i even think of committing suicide, I no more have any dream nor ambition, I don't neither want to get married for fear of deception, while those who don't fear god are living happy, I even stopped praying and fasting the six days of shawal, I am in despair, deception and sorrow, I can't tell about my sister because you can imagine her state, please help me to get over it and regain trust in Allah and revert to him. Jazakum allah khayran
Answer
Salaam Dear Sweet Mariam,
We don't always know why bad things happen to good people. We don't know the ultimate plan of Allah, but please, do know that it is for GOOD. Satan has many ways to bring us down, please don't listen to the whisper of despair.
As for marriage, you are correct in acknowledging that there are many, many deceiving individuals out there... the world is getting harder every day... but don't give up hope. We are to keep trying and keep learning how to detect deception. Also, how to listen to the whispers that come to us in our heart and intuition for ALLAH so that we will be rightly guided. If is difficult to do sometimes and our naivety can misguide us..our hopes, our naffs, our misguided beliefs...these can all cause us to fall into traps... it is an art and science that we are simply working of mastering...and this is the journey of life...as we move forward and become wiser each day.
I'm soo sorry about your sister, Allah will heal her, and Allah will use her and inshallah, she will become even stronger with an even stronger Imam to help other sisters with.
That which does not destroy us, will only make us stronger. This is our opportunity to become even close to ALLAH...let go of dreams and ambitions that are "man made" and come close to ALLAH ...allow the dreams and ambitions that ALLAH would have you carry be your new guide..
Tank you for writing and sharing your heart. To regain your trust, you will want to increase your prayer and get close to sister who are experienced in life. You will mature and become aware of the illusion of this world, and the attachments that only result in disillusionment... and you will come closer to understanding what your relationship to ALLAH is...
Please keep writing sister. I will make dua for you.
Salaam,
Dr. Maryam
Name
moustapha
- Sweden
Profession
Question
Salam Dr.,
I heard that when the prophet was on his death bed he said something along the lines of "go and fight the idolators and clean them out from Arabia along with the Christians and Jews." to what extent is this true. Also what happens to a Muslim if he apostates. if he apostates without making trouble then is he executed or is it only the apostate that creates problems in society creating division that gets imprisonment or execution. can u please help me with these issues. i always collapse when a non Muslim says these, i lose my sense of honor as a Muslim that my prophet was a great man at times...
Answer
Salaam Moustapha,
These are excellent and important questions. It would be wise to ask our esteemed scholars about this. As we know, most verses are written in context, so we will want to know the meaning of the suras in the context that they are written in order to understand their meanings. Again, regarding the jurisprudence as it relates to the apostate, please ask our scholars, You can find them on "Ask the Scholar" on our website:
Assalamu alaikum(w.r.b)pls giv solution for my problem...i am a very pious girl and i have fallen in love my means of internet..my boy was no so religious in tat days and he proposed me cos i was a girl of his choice i.e i was so religious (which type of girl he needed)..i too accepted his proposal(which islam allows)..alhamdhulillah nw hw is so religious and he is practsing his prayers regularly.i hope tat allah has sent me to guide him..and my problem is my parents engaged me a anothr guy(i think so)i haven't let them to knw about my love and he never accept it if they come to knw(nawdhubillah)..but we both still waiting to hear a gud news soon from allah(HE surely accept our proposal)i dont want to tel my parents about my boy but i wanted to wait for allah..i used to talk to my lover only once in a week..i hav means to contact him daily but we r doing this is only for allah..wat my question is i heard tat talking with fiancee beofre marriage is strictly prohibited in islam..i dont knw wat to do..i can surely quit this if we both r engaged by our family members..as we r not engaged by our parents i dont knw wat to do in this situation ...pls guide me whther to continue this contact as before(weekly once)or to quit this till or marriage..
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Sister Sajina,
Your situation is a little complicated. To clear up any confusion about Islamic Jurisprudence, about marriage, please submit your questions to our scholars on IslamOnline.net in the "ask the scholar" section...as they are experts in this area.
You will need to find a way to talk with your parents about your acceptance of this proposal. If you fear their anger, so you will want to practice your approach and think about how you are going to talk with them. Perhaps you can talk to you mother separately and tell her your predicament. This will also give you some protection that you may not realize that you need.
I am curious, how much do you really know about this internet boy? Do you know who his family is? Does he work? Do you have any way to check him out to make sure he has a truly good character? If you let your mother know what is happening, she will be able to find a way to check this boy out to make sure he is really what you believe him to be. Consider this sister. If you do not feel comfortable with telling your mother, then ask yourself why. Perhaps your own intuition and instincts are telling you this may not be as safe. Then pray to ALLAH. I cannot say that it is strictly forbidden in Islam to talk with your fiancé, again that is something you should ask our scholars, but I am not convinced that continuing with an online engagement to a boy you don't know is wise, especially if your parent have found you a suitable partner. Let me know what you think about my feedback.
Salaam,
Dr. Maryam
Name
Nicole
- United Arab Emirates
Profession
Question
Selam wa'alaykum
I've got a couple of questions... I'm psychology student but cant decide which area to specialize in. Do you know much about forensic psychology ? what does it actually entail as I'm still very young, 23 yrs do you think I would be able to handle it at this age?
Thanksssssssssssssss
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Nicole,
Yes, in fact I have a lot of experience in forensic psychology. I work in a forensic setting in a State Mental Hospital. There is no magic age at which a person can handle some of the heinous behaviors of some of the people. Over time, you get used to it. In forensics, your focus is more on whether or not the person is insane, was responsible for the crime at the time of committing it, is competent to stand trial, and/or is at risk of committing a crime again... you learn how to conduct thorough assessments that the courts will use, and you learn how to write court reports and testify using your expertise and assessment results. You learn how to conduct risk assessments.
What will be unavoidable is being exposed to the darkest part of humanity, and you will have to sit face to face with a human being who has done something indescribably horrific in many cases, in order to examine these individuals, and yes the crimes that they commit are horrific, and you will not be spared the details. In addition to exposure to behaviors and incidents that are often more heinous and sometime more unbelievable than what you see on TV shows, you are also exposed to the individual's emptiness, sadness, sorrow, sometime authentic remorse, and sometime no remorse, you will be exposed to humanity, and the story of how he or she lost his or her soul... some will embark on a journey toward salvation, others will not... you will defiantly see humanity in a different light. You will be changed forever when you realize the fragility of the human soul and how each and every one of us is at risk. The only way to learn how to handle that emotionally, is to be exposed to it, and over time, you learn how to manage those emotional reactions and keep that separate from you work, and away from your friends and family. Since working with people who have committed horrific crimes is what I do every day, I find that my praying five times a day keeps me sane. Let me know if you decide to specialize in this area.
Salaam,
Dr. Maryam
Name
Shahnawaz Ahmad
- India
Profession
Employee
Question
As the Muslims are lagging behind in the field of education as compared to non-Muslims, what steps should Muslim organizations take to up lift the education stand among Muslims?
Answer
Salaam Shahnwaz Ahmad,
WOW. You want me to answer this? OK...
Well, you have just taken the first and second step...awareness...and outreach.
In reality, we have many, many, educated Muslims... but as you stated, we are not that organized. One idea that I have preached over and over again, is for the leaders of our Muslims Organizations from all over the world... to connect with each other and tackle these issues. Education is but one very important social issue that our Ummah must address. And, if you are watching the news, you see Muslimahs trying to fit into secular educational systems with much suffering and often failure (they get kicked out for wearing hijab)
I would like to see the men in our Ummah put in extra effort and start meeting, right where you are... the men who meet regularly at the masjid can also meet weekly to discuss this important issue and tackle it from both a community level, and an international level. (OK, so why am I picking on the men all the time, and where do the women fit in?...trust me...there will be plenty for the women to do, I have a personal bias for protecting the women so that the roles and functions that they perform will harmonize with their roles and functions of family life... it is my bias, I own it... still, we will all be working very hard)
Community: develop home school systems that will provide equivalent if not better education that the current public school system...that also provide an opportunity for Muslim family to connect with each other and for Muslims children to socialize with each other... start groups within the colleges to advocate for inclusion of the Muslims in your community, and/or get to or three local communities together to form your own WASC accredited college.
International: while you are doing what you can on the home front to improve the opportunities for your children and neighbors children, get together and research the main Islamic organizations and their leadership...then proactively call, write, e-mail them consistently until you get their attention for the purpose of creating an organized international body that addresses these educational concerns... once you have this body... you can then talk about how the organizations can unite in these efforts and work toward the goal of getting schools in the areas that have none, and improving the schools that are impoverished...and in getting our children who are in secular schools into Islamic school.... You will be identifying your goals, the barriers to achieving those goals, and developing strategies to overcome those barriers. For example, you cannot have quality education without quality teachers.... i.e., recruitment. Another example; you need environments that are conducive to learning...i.e., buildings with heating, good ventilation, air conditioning... Obviously, you need funding.
So, the answer to your questions, although it may sound simplistic... is organize the organizations! Organize the leaders of the organizations into an organized body that will dedicated itself to this cause.
This process could start with you.
Salaam,
Dr.Maryam
Name
-
- Pakistan
Profession
student
Question
Aslamualikum Dr.,
I'm confused in a matter regarding marrying a person and need some one to clear my mind in that regard.
It is said that the wealth/money is in girl's fate she will get that no matter whom she marries, either rich or a poor person. If this is the case then why Islam has emphasized to marry some one that is socially and economically equal to you? I personally didn't accept the proposals of my cousins, all of them were less educated then me and were financially not that much sound as our family is.But now if any thing wrong happens with me, I m always blamed that i did not accept my cousin's proposals that's why this has happened to me, My family says that this is your punishment as you rejected them because of your education and wealth, if whatever they say is true then why has Islam given us the right for choosing the man.and i really was not at all proud of my education or money either,i just thought that it could create problems in my life after marriage. And just like other girls I wanted to marry a person with good educational and financial background besides being from a good family and good Muslim. I personally think that if we wish for some thing and make dua for that Allah grants us that and all the hard times and problems that come in between are the challenges that we have to deal with patience and tolerance, but I always have got this impression from my family that this is my punishment. If this is the punishment then why are they being punished for my act? They think that they are punished because they did not force me to marry any one of them, and they considered what I wanted. Whatever they say is that true? Why are they always blaming me for me not yet got married, they say that I was never serious in marriage, if i had been serious then they would have searched some one for me. but I personally think that it was there duty to marry me, they should have searched for someone instead of blaming me that I was not interested, my cousins were not the only men in this world.
And I also never forbade them to search a boy for me and I just not showed my interest so that they might not think that I am in tension or depression because of not getting married, but after being so much caring for my family, why m I always blamed for the punishment? And every wrong thing is associated with my rejection of the proposal? Can u please clear the situation, who among us is right? Me or my family?
Jazakillah
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam,
I am not convinced that Islam emphasizes marriage to someone which is socially and economically your equal, as our Prophet Mohammad's (PBUH) first wife did not fit into this category. Islam emphasizes submission to the will of Allah, and that is Islam. Still, different cultures emphasize different practices, and each individual must decide for him or herself what is best. Pray is a good way to seek guidance.
With that stated, know that you are not being punished for turning down a marriage proposal. If you feel you still need assurance about that please ask our esteemed scholars (ask the scholar.
ALLAH will guide you to the husband that is the right husband for you. Everyone's goals and needs and circumstances are different. The important thing is that you marry the man that you feel in your heart will bring you happiness and that you believe in your heart will find happiness by having you as his wife. Perhaps for you this means you need someone who has the same educational background as you. This is fine. It also makes sense, as you want to be able to have conversations and to have things in common with each other, common goals, and to agree on lifestyle. Naturally, this would set the stage for success, and there is certainly nothing wrong with that.
Some words of wisdom...tell yourself "what other people think of me is none of my business" This will help you ignore the opinions of others when you are trying to live your life and feel confident that you know what is best for you. Be kind and tolerant of your family, as they may truly fear, but also have no fear yourself. Muslimahs do have the right to choose their own husband, and we are not punished by ALLAH if we do not choose a particular man. It would only make sense to marry a man that we feel in our own heart that we will be well suited for. Again, if you would like more assurance in this area, please do not hesitate to ask our esteemed scholars on this site. And pray for your family to be relieved of their fears, as they are not being punished either. And when you get the answers from the scholars, show your family, perhaps this will ease their minds.
If you want your family to help you marry, then ask them, and also explain to them what your hopes are. See if they will be amenable to assisting you in finding what you really want. It sounds like there is a glitch in your communication with your family in this matter. Perhaps you can start with heart to heart talks with your mother about this. Please let me know what you think, and if this is a possible place to start. It sound like you do want to be married. Lets work to figure out a way to position yourself to find the kind of husband that you want to marry. Write soon so we can look at this more objectively.
