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Yours,
IOL Homepage Editor
Name
Lost
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
Assalam alaikum Dr.,
I wanted some advice about what I should do because, I have found myself to be at a loss.
I was in a relationship with a Muslim guy up until 3 weeks ago after having been together for 2 and a half years. He ended the relationship abruptly saying that he didn't feel the same but a few weeks prior he had talked about wanting to introduce me to his father (who is Muslim, his parents are separated and his mother is christian) and I was going to introduce him to my family because he had prior to that bought me a 'promise ring' saying that I am the person he wishes to marry and the all of a sudden he ended it.
I feel lost and over run with guilt because we committed haram acts a year into the relationship and I have felt guilty for it ever since but for some reason I believed him when he said he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. He made all these plans with me and now all he has to say is sorry?
I understand this is the will of Allah(swt) and I am probably being punished for the sins I have committed but I am truly sorry and I have been seeking Allah's forgiveness. I know I should be patient and I am trying my hardest to be so, but the pain that comes from missing this guy is making it hard for me to find joy or want to do anything. So i just stay in my room and read Islamic books and try and better myself but I don't seem to be able to do anything else. I am studying to become a Doctor something I have dreamed of since a child and i am scared that this will prevent me from being able to focus and achieve my aim of being able to help people. All i have ever wanted is to be a good Muslim and help others and be happy but it seems in my want o be happy I have ruined everything because, i feel so miserable without the guy.
I pray that Allah makes me want only what HE wants for me and that which is good but at the same time it's like I'm secretly wishing that this guy will change his mind and try and get me back and I don't want to think that way. I want to be happy with what Allah has decreed and not be upset anymore but I don't know how to? What should I do because, I feel like I do not have the strength to get through this trial that I have caused myself through doing wrong?
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Lost Sister,
Thank you for writing in here.
I do feel your pain. So many women are suffering what you are suffering. There are some things we just don't have any control over, no matter how much it hurts. Keep pin mind that if you have been in this relationship for 2 and 1/2 years, you can expect to take a year before the longings go away. Be patient with yourself. Your heart and mind and being has become with this "guy" and so has your identity and everything you think you are and your future has been influenced by this relationship. When you lose a relationship like this, you really do feel lost, and don't know exactly who you are. It is an opportunity to discover a part of yourself that is underneath all what you thought were you. You are doing the right thing for now, immersing yourself in prayer and scripture, some reflection and introspection... this is how we heal. In time, you will peek out of the proverbial cave, a little bit at a time and see what is out there in your new world, with or without him. One day at a time. Take sometime off, perhaps two or three months from hard studies or hard core life plan development... it is all there for you, and a break for healing will only make you more effective in becoming a doctor or whatever you decide to do. For now, connect with old friends, and make new ones, connect with family members and try to do a few fun things, like take a nice trip somewhere if you can... something fun... relax your heart and mind to give yourself a time to heal. This is also a good time for you to to establish a routine of reading your Islamic books and praying and becoming more defective in your proactive of Islam. Most of us sin out of ignorance. That doesn't necessarily remove the consequences of sin, like suffering the intense loneliness and heartache of a break up with a man who refuses to make a committment to us. But, those consequences are actually Allah's Mercy, because it helps us to learn. Once you heal from this and feel Allah's love, you will always have that love inside you. You will emerge a stronger person because of that, and when you do go back out there in the world, you will not be as vulnerable, you will understand more, and you will most likely meet a very, good man who is seeking marriage to complete his deen and wants to make a committment to a good and pious woman. And that is what you are becoming through this process by the Love and Grace and Mercy of Allah.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Tracey
- Australia
Profession
Question
Ramadan Mubarak to you !!!
I read your counseling sessions every week, alhumdullah. I think you are an inspirational person.
Just a quick question, what advice would you give someone who is a full time university student and fasting during this holy month. I am finding it very difficult to concentrate during the day, and then after Iftar I'm too tired to study, I'm in my last year of university and really need the marks.
Salam
Answer
Dear Tracy,
The solution depends a great deal on what time you have to be at the university, and if you have time to take naps or not. I have to work during the day, and this is not as difficult as learning (I know this from experience)... to keep my brain half working during Ramadan, I get up at 4:00am and eat sohur and drink plenty of fluids. I also take a nap during lunch time. This makes a huge difference for me. I do think that if I were still in college, I might look at what days I really need to be alert and focused, and apply such plan... that might be easier for you.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
ummu amin
- United Kingdom
Profession
housewife
Question
Assalamu aleykum wa rahmatoullahi wa barakatou,
Ramadan mubarek
Dear counselor,
I wanted advice about how to deal with my ex-husband who has turned to drink and take drugs.
He is being abusive, sending me offensive SMSs, leaving evil messages on my voicemail and turning up at my home without prior notification.
I have tried to be patient with him for the sake of the kids but now he has gone too far. Should I involve the police? Or how should I proceed? should I be patient or attack him with the law?
I would appreciate your advice insh'Allah.
Jazakallahu khayrun, wasalam.
Answer
Assalam Alaykum Sister Ummu Amin,
You must do whatever you have to do to protect your children. If he is dangerous, you can get a restraining order. This is not punitive, it is protective, and keep him from coming close to you and prevents him from causing you physical harm. If he is not dangerous, and you feel that there is hopes and that he might find his "bottom" and hope he will get the help that he needs, you can change your phone umber, and or, have two phones...one for him and one for your life. But this is only if you feel you can be a steady rock and remain unperturbed. It is an intervention for the drug attic to have a line of communication open. You can record the names and phone numbers of the drug crisis line, or other help numbers and suggest that he call them and when he gets help, you will see him. Each time he calls your number, he will get that recording. But only do this is you can be strong and you have a lot of support yourself. You don't want to allow your boundaries to become weak. If he is dangerous, you want to live somewhere that he cannot find you. Such problems are serious and can cause serious violent problems. Yet, I have seen so many really messed up people, who are addicted to drugs make a complete turn when the people around then are able to be strong, realize that the drug addict is not the same person as the one they knew, the drug addict is insane...if you remember that, and don't get caught up in this persons insanity, and don't get suckered into his toxic arguments, you might be the rock from which he gets his strength and faith in Allah to turn his life around... but do get some counseling if you decide to play this role, it is not easy to do, and will test you to the limit... you will need a safe place to cry, and maybe even scream... and heal from the pain and wounds that being with a drug addict causes... so, this is your decision... most importantly, stay safe, that is your first priority...to keep you children and yourself safe... then, if you are able, you can be an intervention for him as I mentioned...but only with guided counseling...
Please stay in touch... let me know how things are going and what you decide. I am here every Sunday. I will be here on September 1 also for a special Ramadan session. Please join us.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
UMMIE
- United Kingdom
Profession
MOTHER
Question
Assalamu Aleykum Wa rahmatoulahi wa Barakatou,
I wanted to share my questions with you as what rights should be given to non-Muslim families of converts. Is the family of a man allowed to discriminate against the non-Muslim family of a woman? To what extent does a woman have to compromise her family and her culture of origin to be married to a born Muslim man?
Is the man allowed to refuse a woman the right to have her family at important events: such as weddings, funerals, etc...?
JazakAllahu khayrun
Wasalam
Sr Ummie
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam UMMIE,
These are truly important questions. It does seems hurtful to ex-communicate the wife's family from important events. Please ask our scholars for the actual Sharia rulings on these matters. They are totally learned and can guide you in this knowledge.
In addition, you might want to see what is going on in the relationship, and what is motivating the man from allowing the non-Muslim family members from attending the important events, and see if a resolution can be made to bring peace and harmony in your marriage.
Keep me posted, let me know what you find out.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Judy
- Bermuda
Profession
Florist
Question
I cried and I am very upset seeing the Libyans greet the released terrorist as a hero. How do I reconcile their behavior to the principles of our beloved prophet (pbuh) to not murdering innocent passengers on an airplane? And why are the Libyans doing this?
Answer
Assalam Alaykum Sister Judy,
I cannot tell you why the Libyans are doing what they are doing. I am not an expert in Libyan politics and I honestly don't know the motivation behind the initial terrorist act. (I bet if you connect with some of the journalists on our "Politics in Depth" section, you can find someone to explain what they are believing and what is motivating them. I learn a lot from that section myself.
However, the spiritual psychologist inside of me, who wants work peace and harmony among humankind with all my heart, knows that even understanding all the politics behind every evil deed is not enough to change the minds and heart of angry people. It helps. But until the entire Ummah makes a shift of focus toward cleaning up our own hearts and minds, wiping out our own individual assumptions and prejudices, and finding a desire in our won heart to put past injustices aside and focus on how we can become brothers... and finding a way to trust one another... we will not make progress and we will all keep bombing each other. Why do I say this? I know nothing abut politics, but I know a lot about human nature. It is the place inside ourselves, first individually, and then collectively that rules what we perceive, which in turn rules what we believe and the conclusions that we come to, which in turn causes behaviors and justifications and rationalizations for those behaviors be they good or evil... so the one thing you and I can do this Ramadan to help facilitate world peace, even open the hearts and minds of terrorists, is to clean our own hearts and minds... one day at a time sister, the world is not a pretty place right now, but you and I can be pretty, and soft, and gentle, and you and I can hold the love for humanity in our heart now, so that the flame does not go out.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Sana
-
Profession
Question
A.Salam,
I am full of hate. I hate a lot of people in my family and relatives. I don't want to but I can not control myself from hating them. This is destroying me. All the time i am thinking of how to hate them. All these people have hurt me a lot, directly and indirectly. But when I face them, they have control over me and I can not say what I feel or think of them.
I trusted them and they betrayed me and they don't care what I do or think of them. So all I can do is hate them and hurt them as they did.
But I can not and will never be able to do.
how can I get out of this hate issue. I really need help
Thanks
Answer
Wa Assalam Alaykum Sister Sana,
People will always disappoint us. Putting our trust and faith in people and loved ones will always cause pain. Why? Because they are human and have their imperfections and "blind spots" (ignorance). Even if they love us very much, they may not have a clue about how to behave or what to do in our best interest...and sometimes, because they are human, they even forget about us, thinking only of themselves. We cannot change them, only Allah can move their hearts and open their minds... And feeling betrayed can take a little while to recover from...but, you can. The closer to Allah you get, the closer to the heart of Allah you come... the more you will find a love that surpasses understanding.. this love can heal you.. and if you are touched by this flame, your love will likely have a healing effect on the human beings that you fee so hurt by. If you did not feel hurt, then you would not feel hate. When you allow Allah to heal you heart and to increase your understanding about these human being that don't seem to have a clue about you, then your hate will become less intense and eventually disappear. SO, seek understanding, most people who are self centered or controlling have serious issues of their own, unresolved conflicts and hurts inside themselves, and it spills out in how they behave with you. In addition to increasing your understanding of their situation, learn healthy boundaries. Learn who you are, what you represent and what you need to do with your own self and your own life to express that appropriately. When someone else demand of you is in conflict with your purpose, seek a diplomatic way to communicate the fact that you are going to do and be what you are guided to do and be by Allah. Ask them for support. IF they give it, be grateful, if they withhold it, move on. This is what forgiveness really is. It isn't denial, or pretending you are not affected. It is looking at how and why you are affected and changing your own response to injustice.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
A
-
Profession
Question
Asalam alykum Dear Dr
First of all, Ramadan Kareem to you and all Muslim Ummah. I would like to thank you for your valuable work.
the main task i have to do are:
worship each takes 30min + one hour reciting Quran once a week or more.
work:
preparing food - up to 1hr thrice daily
washing dishes - up to 1hr twice daily
ironing - up to 45min twice a week
cleaning - up to 24hrs once a week
study: up to 20 hrs per week (if i join open university- now up to 10 hrs studying English at home)
I have no 'personal activities' except for reading rarely. and i think i can't give up anything except studying.
if i give up other task then it will be too much for mum. and because mum and dad are separated within home
i have to deliver these task as definitely something will go wrong and as a result it will make me more depressed.
i can't do anything to solve this problem except sacrifice myself for thier foes
health: my general health is poor. i feel tired and weak, have pain in my joints after doing work.
i have a fatty temor in my stomache and this causes discomfort pain. i don't know if i should fast or no?
i can't understand the dr because they say if you are in pain don't fast.
the thing is i know fasting will increase the risk but i won't get that discomfort pain every single day
so i am not sure wether i should fast the days i don't get the pain.
how do i take care of myself?! May Allah swt bless you
Answer
Wa Alaykum ASsalam Sister,
Thank you for sending this in. Lets see what we can figure out together. First and foremost, you much work on your health. You are being way to hard on yourself. Will the university allow you to go part time? You really need to first focus on our health, without that, you will not complete any goal, and you will not be able to help you mum either. If the doc says not to fast, listen to the doc. Ask the scholars for clarification, but I have generally heard that fasting is obligatory for those of us who are in condition to do it. Not those who have health issues. You also need to find our if you are annemic or is something more serious is going on in addition to the tumor. Sister, gather friends around you. I fear if you go got the University full time right now, you will become isolated...unless you think it will regenerate you...and that you will make friends there...but again, you could do this by going part time. IF there is any way to hire help, (I know this is rarely possible these day)...consider that too. I do wonder if you can cut the cleaning down to 15 hours a week, if there are little short cuts you can make...and even leave the house messy once in awhile. This might free you up so you can do the 20 hours of school...it does seem like you need some friendship in your life sister.
First and foremost, along with taking care of yourself, reach out to this sisters in your community... make some friends... perhaps they will hep you as well.
Tell me if you are able to cut anything out of your schedule, and how things are going with all this. Again, take care of yourself, and follow your doctors advise.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Zainab
-
Profession
Question
Salaam u alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh,
Ramadan Kareem.
I have an insecurity, which spoils my fasts and even my faith. I am not very smart.
Some ppl r smart. even when they r wrong, they r able to cover it up. How do i overcome my insecurity?
Answer
Wa Alaykum ASsalam,
There is no lasting security in this world. Practicing Islam and doing the fasts will help you feel secure, because in fact, you belong to Allah. You seem smart, your writing is pretty good... so, maybe you tell yourself things about yourself that are not helping. If a "smart" person covers up when they are wrong, I certainly wouldn't call that wise... you have wisdom and intelligence. So, don't cover up insecurity, that only give it power... give up insecurity to the love, protection, and intimate intelligence and wisdom that is Allah's alone. We don't know what we don't know, that's OK.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Z
-
Profession
Question
Salam Dr
I am really worried and upset. I just had a fight with my mum about my little brother. she has spoilt him to the extent where he lies and makes excuses for not doing things right like today it he was fasting but he was making excuses for doing work then using bad language. I told him to stop and he started being rude to me so I smacked him on his hand, my mum was watching this, he started to scream saying it I hit him and seeing him scream my mum started to complain and in front him started teling me off saying 'everyone else in this house does the same and he follows, where the rest have gone astray let him be too and you are always screaming and starting fights like now you are not an angel, etc' I couldn;t bear the fact that she was encouraging his behaviour, and he even started to swear more at me calling me evil. I told my mum not to complain to me about his behaviour next time he does somehting wrong and from now on I will not get involved with his and your affairs you can take care of him next time he does something wrong and I wont go with you to his School next time he does something wrong. Over this she started calling me names and cursing me saying people like you never prosper in life that why your marriage never worked and your back here again, may Allah destroy you.(She knows I was cheated and she told me to leave my husband and stay with her, I can;t believe she said this to me, I have become a burden for her she doesn't want me anymore I wish I could disappear )
I am so scared, I think of often to leave the house but today I feel like I should leave this world. I tried to do something good for my brother but they think I am evil, there is no peace even in this blessed month.
Answer
Wa Alaykum ASsalam Sister Z,
Thank you for writing in. We really need each other. It seems you are very concerned about your brother, and at the same time, you have your own personal life that you need to get together so that you can be strong and find your way.
For today and the next few day, distance yourself and let things cool down. You need to stay at home until you have the resources to do well elsewhere, so hang in there. I am sure your mother loves you, she is overwhelmed and probably doesn't know how to handle your brother either. So, take a few steps back and catch your breath. You have so much healing to do with the ending of your marriage and the uncertainty about your future you must be feeling. I am not sure if you have anyone to listen to you as you process your feelings about that...
Your focus should be on your own healing. When things cool off, you can let you mother know that you care about her and your brother, but that you feel your attempts to help are making things worse. If you and your mother do not come up with congruent and consistent "parenting" approaches with him, and agree to be on the same page, and to use the same discipline for the same reasons, he will become confused and angry. It is better for only one person to be the parent, unless two can agree on the issues and how to handle them. IF you mum is open to talking about what to do when... and you can both be consistent and back each other up, then she can benefit from your help. Finding a way to explain this to her when neither of you are angry, and in a way that she will receive the information as a positive and supportive gesture is the key. This is why I mentioned backing off for a few days, and letting things settle.
Hang in their sister, you have a lovely family.. just a little out of control, like all families get... really, it isn't unusual for these kind of family arguments to happen, especially if the family is experiencing a lot of stress. Things can be said that are not meant. I don't think you mother meant this. It sounds like she really wants the best for you. Promise me you will write in again next Sunday and tell me how things are going.. one day at a time sister.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
khan
-
Profession
Question
Salam Dr.
i have communication problem. specially in English since it's not my mother tongue. i feel that i can not express my thoughts well. because this feeling, i don't feel very confident when i speak, so its effecting my social life and having new friends.
i know that communication skills are very important in life. lack of it will effects badly on our quality of life and on our career.
can you please advise on how to improve communication skills. if there is any course that i can take, please let me know.
Thank you Wassalam.
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Khan,
What country an area are you from? I don't know off hand about what English classes are out there online, but I would recommend you try that. Google English Study Course Online... I bet you will find one. It is always better to practice in a group. IF you have a friend who has the communication skills that you are seeking, ask this person to spend some time with you teaching you the skills, this way you have someone to practice with. And that is the real key "practice". If you don't have anyone to practice with, practice in front of the mirror...maybe that sounds silly, but you can see your body language, facial expressions and how you are forming the words... you can practice what to say back to someone..and then continue to make friends. Just tell them that you English is not very good, and ask them to be patient. They will. Actually, your writing here looks pretty good, by the way.
