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Answer
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Name
iman
- Australia
Profession
Question
Salam, I am have been suffering from depression for about 8 mths now and ive tried therapy and anti-depressants to no avail. Could it be that I have low self-esteem because I'm always putting myself down and I've began to feel as though I'm boring..
thanks
Answer
As-salamu `alaykom
Without knowing more about you it is hard to say what is triggering your depression except to say that self esteem could well be a contributing factor. However, low self esteem is also a symptom of not having love for oneself. Low self esteem usually arises from making comparisons with others and finding fault with oneself.
The first thing to realize is that everyone has burdens, things that they are not happy with in their life, just like you do. There is a saying that you shouldn't put a person down until you walked a mile in their shoes. The same could be said of making yourself less than them as well.
The first thing I would do is start to identify the things in your life that really work for you; things that you enjoy doing. And if that means you enjoy just watching clouds go by, then that is just as great as charging out to save the world. It does not matter whether it seems trivial, if it brings you happiness then it is important to you (provided of course that it isn't illegal or haram .
Pauline
Name
Sr. Mariam
-
Profession
Question
AA Pauline,
I was abused several times when I was 3/4 years old. I have been carrying these bad memories for over 20 years now. Most of my life I blamed my parents for my misfortune. I often rebelled against them and had a very bad relationship with them. As a result I have heard them say a lot of negative things about me. My bad experience and my relationship with my parents coupled together has left me loathing my self. I took up therapy but I still harbour feelings of self-hate, that I'm not good enough etc. please advice me/give me some tips on how I can learn to love and value myself.
WS
Sr. Mariam
Answer
Asalamu alaykom
Not knowing what therapy you have had makes it difficult to know if I am about to say something you already know and if so, then I can explore it further with you.
There would have been some decisions that you made about yourself when you were young, i.e. decisions about who you were in order to receive the abuse. These decisions form the basis of your life.
There is a useful line of thought that suggests that we choose our own experiences. All of them. That as a soul you come into this world to have particular experiences and those experiences give you a particular perspective of life that no one else has. This is valuable beyond any measure because the human experience is one that requires sharing of what you have learned to make it complete.
By seeing yourself as being at cause, it becomes a particularly powerful way of looking at any experience that has been negative namely because it gives to you power that you didn't know that you have. The fact that you have blamed your parents for the situation is symbolic of the fact that you have felt it was done to you. While if you stay in that mindset you will not see the value in who you have become and what more you could be.
So if you chose your experience, what is it that you wanted to learn from it?
Well, the learning comes from the decisions that you made. Those decisions gave you a great strength. But if you don't recognise them for what they are, they are the greatest weakness you have.
Regards
Pauline
Name
Kaledovic
- Egypt
Profession
Question
Hi,
Is self-love more than just accepting who you are and feeling good about that person within?
Thanks.
Answer
As-Salamu `alaykom
What you said is pretty much it. I guess the beauty of accepting who you are and feeling good about it is that you recognise your own humanity. You then by extension can recognise the humanity in others and love them for being faulty and imperfect.
It is not simply saying "this is the way I am" like it is a static thing because we are always changing over time. Indeed, if you can accept your darkness and your light then what you are actually doing is shining a light on your darkness and it must by nature leave. The things about ourselves that we don't like only have power over us if we disown them and / or project them on others.
Thank you
Pauline
Name
alissa
- Australia
Profession
Question
salam, how can we increase our self-esteem but not too much that we become arrogant.
thanks for your response...
Answer
As-salamu `alaykom
So, self esteem versus arrogance? These are actually two different things. Arrogance involves comparisons with others and seeing oneself as superior to others, even going so far as thinking one does not have any faults.
In contrast, self esteem means to know that one has "faults" and be comfortable with that. That everyone has faults, has particular aspects of their life that they are struggling with. If you have self esteem you are not only comfortable with yourself, but you become more comfortable with allowing others to be imperfect. You can see their humanity, because you can recognise your own.
Arrogance puts others down to lift oneself. Self esteem lifts others by acknowledging oneself in them, which then lifts oneself.
The interesting thing about this is that you no longer see the imperfections, you start to see the people around you as the amazing people they really are.
We are encouraged in Islam to strive for perfection in the way that we practice Islam and by extension, the way we live our lives. But it takes constant practice. Self esteem recognises that one falls off the rails so often but there is always another moment or opportunity to pick up and go forward again.
So how do you build self esteem? It is the art of the spiritual warrior. The art of hunting oneself. To see oneself, one only has to look into the mirror that those around us present to us. Recognise that whatever irritates you about someone else, it is usually something in yourself you don't want to acknowledge. It is a sign that this is an area of your life that needs attention because, in truth, our perception of others is always flavored by the way we are looking at it.
If you acknowledge the irritation as your own you are in a position of power when it comes to changing the situations you find yourself in. It is a call to see yourself clearly and then decide how you want to be.
regards
Pauline
Name
slh
-
Profession
Question
salamun alaykum
I hope you answer my question this time. I am a muslim but even I know it was a bad sin I did something wrong. I chat with a man on net. He asked for my hand for marriage. He really was a good muslim. I trusted him. Sometimes he wanted to speak bad things with me (sexual things) and although I knew it was a sin and although I didnt want to speak I replied to him because I didnt want to lose him.
I loved him so much and I still love him. But then he left me without any reason. And now I feel myself very bad since I spoke that kind of things with him. I feel as if I marry someone else I won't be honest with the man I marry. I am a sinfull one so I don't want to [marry] anybody else. I will always feel myself guilt.
I feel as if Allah will never forgive me because I did that wrong even I know it was a bad sin.I hate myself. I can't forgive myself so how will Allah forgive me. sometimes I pray Allah not to forgive me because I am a bad one and I deserve punishment. Am wrong to marry someone else with these sins? Will it be right to marry someone else without telling my past?
Answer
As-salamu `alaykom
The issue here would not be what you have done but the fact that you "always feel myself guilty". I imagine this is a reccurring theme in your life - always finding yourself in positions where you end up feeling guilty, feeling bad and sinful.
I also imagine that this is related to a decision you made about yourself as a child - and it may be along the lines that you are bad and deserve to be punished. Although, it is difficult for me to say - you may be able to remember what the situation was and therefore what you decided about yourself.
Say, you make the decision that you are bad. That way you have decided how to act so that you could not be accused of being bad. You know you make yourself guilty even when there is nothing to be guilty about. This causes you to end up doing things you can identify yourself as being bad by doing. This justifies the guilt and in an odd way, would actually make you feel more comfortable with yourself.
Whatever the decision - the truth is that you are not bad. You are merely human and humans make mistakes. Humans make lots of mistakes. So do lots of other creatures on this planet. But where a bird that flies straight into a glass window might give itself a headache and even hit the ground, it is not going to think that it is bad at flying because of it. A human on the other hand, probably would believe it is bad at flying and may even decide to never fly again.
It might be useful to know that Allah gave us all choice. That we are shown the right path but it is up to us to take it. And I might add, that Allah is not necessarily expecting complete perfection. Allah is expecting that we make the effort.
Islam is a practice and it requires that you live it. It also requires that you pick yourself up when you have fallen off the path, dust yourself off and get back into it. So you fell off the path. Ask yourself what did you learn? For me I see that Allah indeed is wise. Allah gave instructions on what one can and cannot do before marriage and by breaking that you see the result is you hurt yourself. Islam is Allah's way of trying to help us not hurt ourselves or others. How loving Allah is. Even more so, Allah brings people to Islam regardless of their background ... merely by opening their hearts to Islam. No matter what they have done, they are welcomed with open arms. You, my dear sister, are loved just as much. Your experience is valuable - you know not to do it again.
Should you marry someone and not tell them of your past? Well that depends on whether you are planning on giving a complete description of your entire life. Why is one detail any more important than any other? Are you going to tell your future husband about all the great things you have done???
No ... I imagine you would not. That would not fit with the image of being bad. But you should ask yourself why you wouldn't tell them of the good things you have done when the good things are even more important in the eyes of Allah given the weighting good and bad are given.
My thoughts on whether you should tell a future husband is that it is truly up to you. But if you did mention it, and the man in question is unable to forgive you for it then he is not practising his Islam properly.
Regards
Pauline
Name
Smooth
-
Profession
Question
How about loving others, How do you see it within the context of Islam? can you tell us a part from your poems?
Answer
As-salamu `alaykom
I am not sure what you mean by loving others. Are you referring to loving brothers and sisters alike as one would love oneself?
If so, if my memory serves me correctly, Mohammed (pbuh) would give anything to anyone who asked if it were his to give. The whole principle of Islam is based on creating a cohesive community, where everyone who can, willingly contributes to the welfare of those who are less fortunate.
If you are asking about love for one's partner then it is part of the Islamic teachings that men and women are a garment for each other. I had an interesting discussion with someone on the idea of our yearning to be connected to Allah and be at one with Allah is mimicked in a small way by our yearnings for our partner. That learning how to be a couple rather than being an individual is a step on the path to realising oneness with Allah. It is true that Islam not only encourages marriage but openly says it is really very important to the practice of Islam.
My poems are basically a journey of self discover through relationships. The initial poems are looking for love, then finding love. Just when it appears to be going well love is lost and so am I, struggling with various things until I emerge with a new sense of self. I might add that in the struggling I actually found myself embraced by Islam .... which was not something I expected.
If you are interested I have a website with some extracts
Regards
Pauline
Name
Host
-
Profession
Question
Finally, we would like to thank Pauline Olive for taking the time to answer the questions of Islamonline viewers today, and we also thank all those who participated in this dialogue.
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