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Name
N
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Profession
Question
Why not? What is the answer?
Answer
The short answer is: because Almighty Allah has forbidden premarital relations. There is a slightly longer answer. Muslims accept the Qur'an and the teachings of our beloved Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, as comprehensive, universal and timeless. Therefore, no matter where or during what time period in human history, premarital relationships have and will be forbidden because of the detrimental impact on the people involved as well as on society in general. Allah Most High has ordered a man and a woman who wish to establish a relationship to do so by signing a contract so as to afford each of them certain rights and responsibilities towards the other. In a premarital relationship, there is no contract, there might be some commitment but it is not stipulated by any conditions, i.e. either the man or the woman can walk away from the relationship without any fear of breaching a contract because there is none. To the extent that men and women will, out of fear of Allah and out of a desire to please Allah, uphold their contractual obligations, marital relationships are strong whereas, without any contractual obligations and stipulations, both the man and the woman are at-risk. We shall elaborate further as we respond to the other questions in this live dialog. And Allah knows best.
Name
jameela
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
As-Salamu`alaykum, I think it is natural that some guys and girls are friends, meaning they don't feel attracted to each other. So what's the problem if they're friends like that but don't be alone together and all that. Is that a problem? If so, why?
Answer
Wa`alykum As-Salaamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuh.
Much of this type of discussion stems from the premise that it is natural for men and women to want to be friends. This premise needs closer scrutiny. What is actually natural is the mutual attraction that men and women feel towards one another. However, what is unnatural is to attempt to have friendships between men and women and then force oneself to have to restrain one's attraction towards a member of the opposite gender. While some men and women might be able to have platonic relationships, there is no guarantee that what starts off as no attraction eventually leads to some and then lots of attraction. Many people have looked back and regretted that they were not strong enough to resist the temptation not to become attracted or not to be alone with their friend.
The Islamic outlook is that we are not to even go near, come close to, or approach the possibility of becoming vulnerable towards a man or a woman unless we are serious enough and committed enough to sign a contract and take on the rights and responsibilities associated with that marriage contract. Allah warns in the Qur'an, "And come not near unto adultery. Lo! it is an abomination and an evil way.” (Al-Israa’: 32)
Name
Atef
- United States
Profession
Question
As-Salamu`alaykum, I can understand the Islamic rules but in today's world men and women are mixed 99% of the time so if that's the general ruling and a person keeps himself/herself on the right path, what is the big deal if men and women mix together in the context of work or study?
Answer
Wa`alykum As-Salaamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuh.
May Allah reward you for this question and for understanding the Islamic rules concerning premarital relationships. It is not a "big deal" if men and women mix together in the context of work or study. However, the burden is upon the one who is mingling with the opposite gender to stay within the bounds of proper etiquette. Islam allows great flexibility in the realm of conduct as long as the conduct itself is guided by the Qur'an and the teachings of our beloved Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him. If the contact with a man is limited and purposeful, if it is also public, then there is less risk that either the man or the woman involved will become vulnerable towards the other. None of us can predict with certainty that we will be able to control our emotions and desires.
Almighty Allah knows who among us would be able to handle working with and studying with members of the opposite gender. However, Allah also knows in His infinite wisdom that all of us are prone to forget and therefore, to protect us all, there are clear guidelines as to when and how and for what purposes we should interact with the opposite gender.
In fact, when considering the question of studying and working together, one should ask oneself, would I want for my sister, for example, that another man wants to study with her alone? Or call her late at night to ask about homework and then lead the conversation well off the topic of homework and onto talking about personal preferences, etc? No, of course not.
And Allah knows best.
Name
jonie
- United States
Profession
Question
As-Salamu`alaykum, not everyone is a sex mad fiend who can never look at the opposite sex without feeling attraction. There are some people who can have friends who are of the opposite sex and those friendship can be warm and caring and long lasting. What do you say to that?
Answer
Wa`alykum As-Salaamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuh.
Fine. Good for them. But you are mistaken to think that the Islamic prohibition on premarital relationships is rooted in the notion that "everyone is a mad sex fiend who can never look at the opposite sex without feeling attraction." In fact, there is no outright prohibition between men and women having friendships and yes, those friendships can also be warm, caring and long lasting. The important question is, how are these men and women related to one another?
In Islam, men and women who are ineligible to be married to one another, who are mahrem that is, are able to have very powerful, long lasting, warm and caring, platonic relationships. It is helpful to review who these people are. In surat an-Noor (chapter 24) after telling the believing men to lower their gaze, Allah Almighty continues in verse 31: "And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what (must ordinarily) appear thereof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty except to their husbands, their fathers, their husband's fathers, their sons, their husbands' sons, their brothers or their brothers' sons, or their sisters' sons, or their women, or the slaves whom their right hands possess, or male servants free of physical needs, or small children who have no sense of the shame of sex; and that they should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments. And O ye Believers! turn ye all together towards Allah, that ye may attain Bliss."
So, yes, in principle, there is no problem with men and women having friendships as long as the men are to the women of any of the categories described above in surat an-Noor, verse 31. For those men who are non-mahrem, i.e. eligible to be married, the risk is always there that one or the other will become vulnerable and will incline towards the other. We leave the matter entirely to chance if there are no clear guidelines about premarital relationships. Allah Most High in His mercy, has given us guidelines so that the individuals involved and society in general are protected. And Allah knows best.
Name
Sami
- Egypt
Profession
Question
As-Salamu`alaykum, there is a lot of pressure put on young people to 'know' their future spouse well before marrying so as to break out of the old - fashioned cultural thinking of only seeing each other once or twice before committing for a lifetime. This old-fashioned way doesn't fit into today's world but at the same time we don't want to be intimate before marriage - what is the balance?
Answer
Wa`alykum As-Salaamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuh.
May Allah Almighty reward you for your concern. Getting to know one's prospective spouse is highly recommended according to Islamic teachings, and what complicates the process is not Islam but cultural practices and traditions.
It is important for you to know your future spouse, so we suggest strongly that you use all means available to you to get to know him or her. You can and should talk to on the phone, with a mahrem on the line with you or at least within hearing distance of you. Of course even if the mahrem could not hear you, you know well that Allah can always hear you and even hear those thoughts which you do not speak aloud. You also need communicate via email and ask questions and exchange responses but it is very difficult to gauge a person's personality via email or telephone for that matter. Therefore, we suggest strongly that you ask him or her for references whom your mahrem and you can contact directly so that you can ask them questions about your fiancée.
Men should be prepared to respond to and women should ask about the following: we urge you to focus on finding more out about his relationship with Allah, his level of practice and knowledge of his religion, and ultimately, what he assesses to be his own weaknesses and strengths. Ask him how he intends to fulfill his role as a husband and a future father insha'Allah.
The balance between getting to know someone for marriage and not being intimate can easily be created by taking precautions and being sure that all contact with the prospective spouse is done in public, i.e. there is always a mature third person or persons who can keep a watchful eye. All of us are prone to error, so there is no such thing as taking too much precaution however, at the same time, it is entirely dysfunctional to expect that a man and a woman would marry after only one or two brief meetings.
And Allah knows best.
Name
Ramy
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
As-Salamu`alaykum, the divorce rate is so high all over the world, so perhaps it is important that people get to know each other very well before marriage. I'm sure in my mind how far we should go in getting to know each other. What do you think? Also how can someone marry a person they do not love and how can you love a person unless you know them very well?
Answer
Wa`alykum As-Salaamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuh.
You are correct in observing that the divorce rate is increasing all over the world. People therefore should get to know each other well, but they should do so within limits. We have responded as follows to a similar question in this live dialog:
It is important for you to know your future spouse, so we suggest strongly that you use all means available to you to get to know him or her. You can and should talk to on the phone, with a mahrem on the line with you or at least within hearing distance of you. Of course even if the mahrem could not hear you, you know well that Allah can always hear you and even hear those thoughts which you do not speak aloud. You also need communicate via email and ask questions and exchange responses but it is very difficult to gauge a person's personality via email or telephone for that matter. Therefore, we suggest strongly that you ask him or her for references whom your mahrem and you can contact directly so that you can ask them questions about your fiancée.
Men should be prepared to respond to and women should ask about the following: we urge you to focus on finding more out about his relationship with Allah, his level of practice and knowledge of his religion, and ultimately, what he assesses to be his own weaknesses and strengths. Ask him how he intends to fulfill his role as a husband and a future father insha'Allah.
As for your concern about loving a person unless you know them well, it is true that you cannot love someone without knowing them. However, as we have noted above and in other responses in this live dialog, getting to know a person must be within Islamic guidelines. In addition, in choosing the spouse, one must keep in mind the Prophet advices so that in due time, with the help and mercy of Allah, you will come to love her. Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, advised us saying, "A woman is married for her deen (religious conduct), her lineage, her wealth or her beauty. You must go for the one with deen, may your hands be in the dust! (if you fail to heed)" (Reported by Muslim). Choosing to marry a woman who has a strong relationship with Allah should incline one to fall in love with her even if one does not "know" much about her in other matters, and even if one does not immediately feel attracted to her. Over time and with your du'a', Allah Almighty will grant you what is best for your faith and future.
So it is not that one would marry a person they do not love, but it is also not the case that one would only marry the person they knew very well. The balance has to be somewhere in between and must be accompanied by a sincere trust in Allah to bestow upon the couple love, mercy and tranquility. And Allah knows best.
Name
fatima
- United Arab Emirates
Profession
Question
As-Salamu`alaykum, can you explain exactly what you think the dangers of premarital relations are on the society because I think it is something between the couple themselves?
Answer
Wa`alykum As-Salaamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuh.
You are absolutely correct in saying that the dangers of premarital relationships are actually between the couples themselves. However, none of us lives in a vacuum, or on an island all alone. A couple is part of a society such that the man is someone's son, someone's brother, someone's uncle, etc and the woman is someone's daughter, someone's sister, and someone's aunt.
The dangers of premarital relationships to society are just an extension of the dangers to the men and women involved in such relationships. There is no contractual obligation to mutually uphold any rights and responsibilities. If the man leaves his girlfriend, he has no responsibilities to ensure her well-being and if the girlfriend wants, she is free to leave the boyfriend at anytime without consequence. Should one person abuse the other, there might be legal recourse but in a more general sense such as just one person against another without any regard to whether or not the two were in a relationship. The societal structure as we know it breaks down when men and women are not held to higher standards of inter-gender conduct. Men and women scarred from premarital relationships are after all members of society and therefore their collective well-being or dismay impacts society. Even worse is the impact on society when children result from the premarital relationships and neither the man nor the woman wish to bear any responsibility for raising those children. So much more could said about this but we hope the general point is made that premarital relationships affect both the couples and the society in which they live. And Allah knows best.
Name
Cody
- United States
Profession
Question
Hello, in other religions premarital relations are looked down upon too. But I think that with the advent of contraceptive pills, early abortion and all sorts of protective sex and family planning, the problem is not as great as it would have been before the invention of these things. So what in today's day and age is the problem with really knowing your partner before you marry?
Answer
It is interesting that your question is, "what in today's day and age is the problem with really knowing your partner before you marry?" And yet, by "really knowing," you are actually talking about having intimate sexual relations with a prospective candidate for marriage. Whatever happened to "really knowing" meaning getting to know about the personality, character, intellectual aptitude, family history, and general outlook of the person you wish to marry. If by the way, the focus of getting to know someone is just what we mentioned, i.e. their personality, character etc, Islam is not against such limited "really knowing" the person at all.
On the notion of premarital relations, there is no more commitment between a man and a woman just because they are able to use contraceptives etc. The Islamic outlook is that fornication is deadly and that men and women must avoid it at all costs. No matter how committed one feels towards another woman, that true test of that commitment is whether or not he is willing to sign a contract and is willingly desiring to uphold the mutual rights and responsibilities of his wife. Where is the limit after all if everyone is allowed to engage in premarital relations with everyone else so that sooner or later some of those people can decide if they are compatible for marriage. However, if the getting to know you phase is conducted with dignity, involves the guardian of the woman along with her, and is done with the express desire to ascertain compatibility for marriage, everyone concerned is better off.
Name
Roazita Ma
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Profession
Question
As-Salamu`alaykum, how can we convince a non-practicing Muslim friend who committed this premarital relations that they are hideous without hurting their feelings? How can we make them understand? Jazakallahu khairan.
Answer
Wa`alykum As-Salaamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuh.
The best way to help this person is to tell them clearly that what they have done is a sin and that they should repent. You might be surprised to find out that not everyone knows what is allowable and what is forbidden in Islam. But once you tell them that they have committed a sin, remind them of Allah's infinite mercy and give them hope that if they give up such sinful behaviour, it is possible Allah will forgive them and grant them a pious and righteous spouse with whom they can start a family.
Remind them that our beloved Prophet Muhammad has taught us the following about those who have sinned:
“A servant committed a sin and he said, “O Allah, forgive me my sins, and Allah (the Exalted and Glorious) said, My servant committed a sin and then he came to realize that he has a Lord Who forgives the sins and takes to account (the sinner) for the sin. He then again committed a sin and said: My Lord, forgive me my sin, and Allah, the Exalted and High, said: My servant committed a sin and then came to realize that he has a Lord Who would forgive his sin or would take (him) to account for the sin. He again committed a sin and said: My Lord, forgive me for my sin, and Allah (the Exalted and High) said: My servant has committed a sin and then came to realize that he has a Lord Who forgives the sins or takes (him) to account for sin. 0 servant, do what you like, I have granted you forgiveness.” (Muslim 37 # 6642)
Name
Muna
- Nigeria
Profession
Question
As-Salamu`alaykum, I think that when it comes to premarital relations it is the woman who gets the worst of it. She is usually left and the man just walks away without taking any responsibility and she is left often pregnant and stigmatized. It is all so unfair how the women get mistreated. Ok the premarital relation was wrong but both the man and the woman were involved so why should the woman get the worst of it?
Answer
Wa`alykum As-Salaamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuh.
In Islam, the prohibition against premarital relations exists to protect both the men and the women from themselves and from their own souls. In particular, Islamic teachings do not give a pass to the men who have engaged in premarital relations. Both men and women have an equal share in their sinful conduct. Both must repent and both must seek forgiveness from Allah. Cultural practices tend to stigmatize women more and blame them much more than the men but such an understanding has no support in Islamic teachings. Women therefore should not get the worst of it. And Allah knows best.
Name
Zahra
- United States
Profession
Student
Question
As-Salamu`alaykum, I wanted to say that as you know in the society that I’m living in right now (or in any society for that matter) interactions are always there between female and male. And as for me a student, it’s a must. One thing I don’t understand is why parents are always so concerned if for example a girl is a friends with the opposite sex, if they talk on the phone or go to the movies??? I know that many say it’s going to lead to other issues, yet I know many males and females who were able to keep off their relationship a friendly one, and did not cross the limits or the boundaries. So my question is Islamically can male and female go outside together as a group maybe to a movie or etc. My other question is, is it fine if a girl likes a boy and they tell them that they do, yet they never do anything in action, just in words. Would that be considered a sin?? Thank you for your time, Allah Almighty bless. Wassalam.
Answer
Wa`alykum As-Salaamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuh.
We have responded to a similar question about boys and girls mingling together. We stated: "Much of this type of discussion stems from the premise that it is natural for men and women to want to be friends. This premise needs closer scrutiny. What is actually natural is the mutual attraction that men and women feel towards one another. However, what is unnatural is to attempt to have friendships between men and women and then force oneself to have to restrain one's attraction towards a member of the opposite gender. While some men and women might be able to have platonic relationships, there is no guarantee that what starts off as no attraction eventually leads to some and then lots of attraction. Many people have looked back and regretted that they were not strong enough to resist the temptation not to become attracted or not to be alone with their friend.
The Islamic outlook is that we are not to even go near, come close to, or approach the possibility of becoming vulnerable towards a man or a woman unless we are serious enough and committed enough to sign a contract and take on the rights and responsibilities associated with that marriage contract. Allah warns in the Qur'an, "And come not near unto adultery. Lo! it is an abomination and an evil way.” (Al-Israa’: 32)
As for your specific question, for all the reasons stated above, it is not permissible for boys and girls to go out together as a group, unsupervised, whether to the mall or to the movies or even to the masjid for that matter.
As for the question about liking a boy and telling him but not doing anything else, in Islam you are not held accountable for your thoughts unless you put them into action. To the best of our knowledge, speaking is a form of action and therefore, you attempting to tell this boy you like him is not permitted unless you are doing so with the express desire to get married to him. If you are not, then keep your feelings about this boy to yourself and instead focus on loving Allah, telling Him you love Him and then performing good actions. And Allah knows best.
Name
N
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Profession
Question
The bigger question is: how do we avoid liking in our hearts visually attractive people? (For unmarried men.) The subconscious brain say "this is something good". (This seems natural.) What is our ammo against that?
Answer
This is a good question. For men especially, we should strive to lower our gaze and to restrain ourselves from looking at women. The brain makes us think that "this is something good," and we begin to justify and rationalize why we do not lower our gaze. It is very important that we train ourselves to fight off the natural urge to look at and keep looking at women. Seeking refuge in Allah from shaitan's whispers should help us and also keeping our faith strong will insha'allah help us to avoid preferring to look at and become attracted towards other women. If the problem is insurmountable, the Prophet Muhammad recommended that young men should also fast as fasting suppresses the lower desires. And Allah knows best.
Name
Editor
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Profession
Answer
Finally, we would like to thank brother Altaf Husain for taking the time to answer the questions of IslamOnline viewers today, and we also thank all those who participated in this dialogue. We encourage our readers to join us in upcoming sessions.
