Thank you and may Allah shower you with His blessings for your service to humanity.
I am a 34 year old mother of five children and a wife of 20 years in January. I have had for the past 20 years a hard time with my husband due to his lifestyle of drinking, infidelity, etc. I married young, At 15, because I had a very hard time at home here in the U.S. with my father and step-mother.
My problem is this: I am tired of waiting for my husband to grow up. I have stopped intimate relations with him for several months now because of the ill feelings I feel towards him. I had a bad experience with him when he was drunk and I can't stand him anymore. He has lied to me about getting treatment for his drinking problem, and says now that he is going to a group meeting for this purpose. I am so tired of his lies and deception, I can't trust him anymore. I was seriously contemplating divorce, but my father convinced me to give him one more chance.
Answer
As salamu `alaykum
I would urge you to first exhaust every other possibility first. I know you have been married for 20 years, but still try to get some people like a reputable local Imam or someone like that to help your resolve from both perspectives.
If not then depending on state you are in you can file for divorce, and also ask a good local Imam to get you khul`.
Name
Muslimah
-
Profession
Question
I live in New York, but I got married in Pakistan, do I need to have a court marriage in New York to make it legal here?
Answer
No you do not need a court marriage in NY or any state in the U.S., as long as as the conditions of the Islamic marital contract are upheld and and supported. This can be helped by making sure you have English translation of your nikah nama Certificate.
Name
Humairah
-
Profession
Question
How can one get married in the U.S.? Will they recognize our marriage by the Imam?
Answer
Yes you need to go through the steps that are required by your state. Apply for license and depending upon state like NY for example - get blood tests and then you can get married. And yes they will recognize the nikah nama
Name
-
- Mauritius
Profession
-
Question
Can a woman ask for a divorce? In fact, there is someone I know who is having lots of problems with her husband, who is a drug addict. Every time her husband humiliates and beats her, he traumatizes their 2-year-old daughter. She has been very patient, in the hope that one day her husband would change into someone very pious. Unfortunately, one day, her husband was on the point of killing her by trying to slaughter her with a knife. From that day, she left her husband's house and returned to her mother's house.
Now after seven months of separation, she has asked her husband to give her a divorce, but he has refused. So she would like to know, according to Shari `ah, whether she can ask for divorce from a man who is at the point of killing her at anytime. Thank you very much.
Answer
Yes a woman has right to ask for divorce, she will have to go to Shari`ah court or if one is not where she lives to an Imam and explain her situation, and get khullah.
Of course she should take every other action first. Counseling, conversing and trying to resolve situation without leading to divorce. But if she thinks her life is in danger, she needs to get somewhere safe first, and then take the steps towards getting her divorce.
Name
Rafiah
- United States
Profession
-
Question
As-salamu `alaykum.
For almost three and a half years now I have been married and I am trying to find out how to get divorced. I have made Istikhara. My husband's bad behavior towards me has not improved. We have talked to many people including sheikhs and Imams who say his behavior is unacceptable.
My problem is I have a two-year-old son and I am five months pregnant. Can I get divorced while pregnant or nursing? Please don’t tell me to try and work it out, it seems like that is the answer you guys usually give when a sister is being treated badly.
My husband has agreed to divorce me, but he breaks his promises. He agrees that there is nothing in our marriage and that I should have the baby in another state with my parents. Can I get divorced and be in my parents house? I have been practicing Islam for nine years and I always felt like there was so much justice in it. Now I am frustrated because no one will explain exactly what my options are as a servant of Allah who wants to please Him by abiding by the sunnah. I love this deen (religious life transaction) and I don’t want to turn away from it, but sometimes it seems the only way I will ever get away from him is by doing something that is haram.
Jazak-Allahu Khayrun
Answer
As salamu `alaykum
May Allah help guide and protect you.
Yes you can ask a local imam to grant you khul', also you will need to file for divorce in the state in which you live.
Although there are divorce kits available for you to get divorce on your own, I always advise that one should have a lawyer, which is as close as you can get in islam to being represented and having your voice heard.
If you meet the guidelines you might even qualify for a legal aid lawyer. Find out the nearest legal aid office to you. You can also get that info by calling your State Bar office. Just call information or look up in the phone book. Like for instance if you live in Michigan you should ask for the number to the Michigan State Bar. Anyway you should get some legal representation to help you. If the situation is as bad as you describe then you must find a way to get a lawyer, even if you have to borrow the money, because this is in the best interest of you and your children.
Yes you can live with your parents while the process is going through. In fact that will be good, because you should make sure you are safe.
And keep praying to Allah. Put your trust in Allah.
"Thus it is due to mercy from Allah that you deal with them gently, and had you been rough, hard hearted, they would certainly have dispersed from around you; pardon them therefore and ask pardon for them, and take counsel with them in the affair; so when you have decided, then place your trust in Allah; surely Allah loves those who trust(Aal `Imran 3:159)
What happens to us in our best interest, sometimes we do not see it, but Allah knows, and if we put our trust in him, we can get throught the most toughest parts of life.
Name
Laila
- United States
Profession
-
Question
Bismillah.
As- salamau `alaykum.
This is a call to someone who might read this and have some words that can guide my heart. Who does a girl turn to in a place where there are no Muslim counselors? She is experiencing extreme distress over a dysfunctional and sometimes abusive marriage? I have moved back to the U.S. only to feel my iman drop and I can't stand my husband. I can't be with him in bed, but I have a baby with him and I do not feel strong enough to leave him. I am worried about my iman and my resentment that the community has no better option for me. I have talked to sheikhs and they just talk. I need firm words and to be told exactly what to do. Someone who understands psychology and the Muslim heart, and to have someone to confide in like a counselor on a regular basis.
Answer
As salamu alaykum sister,
You do not mention where you live, but I would urge you to look in your surrounding area, surely there must be somewhere you can get some Islamic help. Browse through mental health counselors & psychiatrists to help you find someone.
Secondly It sounds to me like you are in depression. You need to go to a family doctor or an Internist and tell them of your symptoms. Have them first diagnose the depression and then give you treatment for it. This is very important. Depression is often ignored because of the stigma attached to it. People think that it is within ones control, and that they can shake off the feelings and that maybe it is a sign of weakness. This is not true, depression is an illness, and it affects millions of people. The good news is that in these days, al hamdu lillah there are many forms of treatment. Do some research on the Internet and try to find a good Muslim psychologist or psychiatrist.
May Allah help, guide and protect you.
Name
Parham and Pooneh
- United States
Profession
Liquor Store
Question
Can you recommend a lawyer (we live in Beverly Hills) to write a will for us? Thank you for your helping us.
Answer
Contact your California State Bar for referrals.
Name
Muslim sister
- United States
Profession
Question
My questions are about multi-marriages in the U.S. Do you think the Muslim community can ever help change U.S. laws to allow Mulsim men to marry more than 1 wife while either living here or abroad? I ask this to protect the subsequent wives and any children that may be born out of those marriages under the law.
What is your thought on Muslim men that are actually marrying more than 1 woman in the U.S. while breaking the law of the land and practicing Islamic law?
Jazakallah khayran
Answer
As salamu `alaykum
My thought on this matter is this:
Marrying more than 1 wife is not a requirement of Islam. and one must follow the laws of the land that they live in. Regarding children born out of these marriages; in U.S. any child born under any condition has a right to receive economic support from the parents, but both the wives and the children will not be protected and if any problems occur they will not be able to recieve any support in any legal way. And furthermore, in secular law, people who have married more than once, have committed a crime and can be charged.
Name
Ali Khan
- Canada
Profession
Student
Question
As salamu `alaykum.
I have recntly come across a criticism from feminist circles - the age old one about Islam being a patriarchial religion. Is it true that men are in charge of women in our religion, and do women need permission from their men to do things such as travel to a place or do something?
Also, why does Islam not allow women to lead the ummah?
Thank you sister for reading my question and may Allah bless you.
Answer
Dear brother
Islam is a religion that has given women importance and has stopped the Jahaliyyah (ignorance) behavior towards women.
Rememebr in time of Jahaliyyah, people would bury the female child, Women were treated like property and chattel. They had no value.
Islam game women their self-respect and their great value long before the West did. What greater value than one of a mother as the Prophet Muhammad SAW, said and I translate paradise is at the feet of the mother.
The reason that Allah gave a men a degree over women has to do with the fact they are responsible for their wives and their children in terms of going out and earning as well as protection. It is the husband/father who has the responsibility to go out and work, it is his responsibility to provide the shelter, the food, the education, and everything else that is needed to maintain the household.
Women
Do not have to go out and work
Do not have the responsibility to provide shelter, food and education etc.
For women it is not an obligation except for when they are faced with no alternative as it is so common today in the era of emanicpation.
The question of asking permission, is for the safety of the women against other men who are not so considerate of her honor.
Another example of the value of girls is in the hadith:
There is a hadith which applies here, which I will translate, that the Prophet Muhammad SAWS stated “Whoever has three daughters and is patient towards them, and feeds them, gives them to drink and clothes them from his riches, they will be a shield for him from the Fire on the Day of Resurrection.” Classed as Sahih by al-Albaani in Sahih ibn Maajah .
Name
Begum Shofiq
- Bangladesh
Profession
Freelance Writer
Question
Salam
Is it possible for a Muslim man to have 4 wives in USA ? Before having more than one wife, should a man listen to his wife's request to make a will giving some wealth to his 1st wife & kids of first marriage ?
Answer
No it is against the law in USA to have more than 1 wife except I think in 1 state I am not sure which one. I will look into that. That state is where the Amish people live.
Name
Asif
-
Profession
Question
As-salamu `alaykum:
Don't have a question per se; more of a comment.
I agree the Muslim community needs to address this issue of spouse abuse and condemn it without any reservation. It is unfortunate but I have never heard this topic being addressed in a jumu'ah khutbah. I think the imams need to talk about this openly- there is no shame in talking about it. The imams should also then give a point of contact for your association where women can go and get appropriate counsel. Many times the women do not even know their legal rights.
Thanks
Answer
As salamu `alaykum
I agree with you totally dear brother. You can approach your local imam and ask for a khutbah on this topic to be given.
We must all continue to work for the betterment of Muslims and to live by the examples of our most beloved Prophet Muhammad S.A.W's.
I remarried about five years ago after my wife left me with four children. I never got a divorce because I could not afford it. Now I am scared that someone will find out and put me in jail. What should I do. I live in Montana and I am the only Muslim here. I do not want to be deported because of the children. My new wife does not know this.
Answer
I strongly advise you to tell your wife, and to get a lawyer!!!
But it can be resolved, `Insha'allah
On the authority of Abu Dharr al-Ghifari (may Allah be pleased with him) from the Prophet (PBUH) is that among the sayings he relates from his Lord (may He be glorified) is that He said:
O My servants, I have forbidden oppression for Myself and have made it forbidden amongst you, so do not oppress one another. O My servants, all of you are astray except for those I have guided, so seek guidance of Me and I shall guide you, O My servants, all of you are hungry except for those I have fed, so seek food of Me and I shall feed you. O My servants, all of you are naked except for those I have clothed, so seek clothing of Me and I shall clothe you. O My servants, you sin by night and by day, and I forgive all sins, so seek forgiveness of Me and I shall forgive you. O My servants, you will not attain harming Me so as to harm Me, and will not attain benefitting Me so as to benefit Me. O My servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you to be as pious as the most pious heart of any one man of you, that would not increase My kingdom in anything. O My servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you to be as wicked as the most wicked heart of any one man of you, that would not decrease My kingdom in anything. O My servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you to rise up in one place and make a request of Me, and were I to give everyone what he requested, that would not decrease what I have, any more that a needle decreases the sea if put into it. O My servants, it is but your deeds that I reckon up for you and then recompense you for, so let him finds good praise Allah and let him who finds other that blame no one but himself.
Hadith Qudasi # 17 was related by Muslim (also by at-Tirmidhi and Ibn Majah.
Name
Julie
-
Profession
Question
As salamu `alaykum.
Does a widowed women have to have a wali if she wants to remarry?
Answer
No she does not.
Name
nasreena
- India
Profession
Question
As salamu `alaykum
I am very keen to know about the status of women in Islam. As far as I know Islam, I feel that women are not given the similar status of men. I agree that I am not a philosopher in Islam; but this doubt regarding the status of women in Islam has made my belief in Islam shake.
Polygamy is allowed in Islam, but the wives of a husband are not given equal status. Thus might not only be m belief, but aklso that of others. I feel Prophet Muahmmad(PBUH)had given higher status and preference to his wife A`isha (ra). The Islamic books and scholars speak mostly not of the lovely relationships between prophet Muahmmad (PBUH) and Ai`sha (ra), but also of some sweet moments spent together by them.
If Islam accepts equal status for women, won't the other wives be hurt? If this is the condition, why is polygamy not prohibited in Islam?
Every woman expects to to be loved by her husbands. Men can enjoy their life by preferring the best amongst them.
Answer
As salamu `alaykum
Dear sister remember we need to separate our emotions (although emotions are also important) from practical life.
First of all in Islam a man is allowed to have up to 4 wives, but he must treat them equally.
"And if you fear that you cannot act equitably towards orphans, then marry such women as seem good to you, two and three and four; but if you fear that you will not do justice (between them), then (marry) only one or what your right hands possess; this is more proper, that you may not deviate from the right course" (Sura an-Nisa 4:3)
A man upon having more than 1 wife must treat all wives equally, this includes in providing equally economically and in spending equal time with each other.
However, this does not mean that he has to have the same love in his heart for each. Yes the Prophet Muhammad SAWs did have more love for Aisha (ra), more than other wives, in his heart, but that did not prevent him from treating the other wives the same. Each wife would get the same number of nights with the Prophet and each would get the equal provisions.
Remember in those days, and it can be argued for even today, that women were not that safe, all of the other wives, that the Prohet had married had already been married before,and each had a separate reason for marriage to the Prophet, for their protection.
Name
Betty
-
Profession
I am nothing
Question
I have a 39 year old son who steals all of my pension money and spends it on his girl friend. I have asked him to stop and threaten to call the police, but he threatens to leave. He still lives with me in our home. I cook for him and do his laundry every day. He does not help do nothing. Now he wants to bring his girl friend who is not Muslim and sleep with her here. Can I kick him out or what do I do? My husband who is not his father says nothing because he is afraid.
Answer
Dear sister I suggest that you contact the local imam or try:
I know he is your son and you could not bear it, but you have to think of your own safety and of the other people in your household. And who knows maybe this is what he needs to wake-up.
Name
Saeed
-
Profession
Forensic Pathologist
Question
What exactly is a "forensic psychologist?" Do you counsel corpses?
Answer
Forensic psychology has to do with psychology of criminals. You may have heard of terms such as sociopath. It is the study of trying to understand why people commit crimes.
Name
Farrukh
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
If an American woman goes overseas and marries in a religious and/or civil ceremony. If when she returns to the U.S. and she seeks a divorce from her husband (who lives overseas), but he refuses to agree to the divorce. What process does she need to undertake to get a divorce?
Answer
No matter where you got married, if you are living in a state for 180 days and the county you live in for 10 days (This is most states, but check for you state specific requirements) - you can file for divorce in that state and county. So let's say that you live in Michigan and in Wayne County for at least 10 days, you would go to the Wayne County Courthouse and file for divorce, and you can buy a do-it-yourself kit and get the divorce yourself, if it is going to be a simple one like , no children or property involved and no threat of abuse. If however, any of these things are present I urge you to get a lawyer.
Islamically, divorce is not such an easy issue, for it is the basis on which a whole society is built.
"And if you fear a breach between the two, then appoint judge from his people and a judge from her people; if they both desire agreement, Allah will effect harmony between them, surely Allah is Knowing, Aware" (Nisa 4: 35).
Name
Maryum
-
Profession
Question
I got married 1 year ago and I have figured out that my husband only married me for the greencard, what can I do to get out of this marriage? I am so hurt in every kind of way.
Answer
As salamu `alaykum sister.
Despite what you have found out I will urge you to contact a good imam and to get some counseling. Try to save your marriage first. See if there is not anything that can be done to come to a good solution.
If abuse is involved and absolutely no way of solution then you can file for divorce and ask local imam to grant you khul'.
Since it has been only 1 year since you were married, your husband will have a temporary greencard, and which would have lasted for 2 years before becoming permanent, and subsequently now his greencard will be cancelled. you also have the choice of reporting him to the INS that he married only for greencard.
There is always a choice...
Name
Harry
- United States
Profession
Question
As-salamu `alaykum,
Stay-at-home fathers, what is the Islamic perpective? If a wife and husband agree to this type of family situation does this remove a man from being a Muslim?
Answer
As salamu `alaykum
No this would not remove him from being Muslim. As long as you believe in that there is ony one Allah and that Prophet Muhammad SAWs was his last Messenger, and you say the Shahadah, you are a Muslim.
I don't think this is the place to put this question but i would apprecaite if you could answer the question.
I had been proposed to by a brother for marriage. It took me a long time to get my parents to agree (about 18 months). In the meantime, one month before my parents agreed the brother met another sister, who he indrectly showed interest in. No formal proposal was made. The reason for this was that he got fed up with the long wait and said he needed to be married.
Now this lady is mad about him and won't leave him alone, he has made it clear her that he does not want to marry her, but she is insisting that she becomes his second wife. Islamilcally, does he have to take her has a second wife or not?
This lady's family is encouraging her to marry this man and blaming me for him not agreeing. They say what I am doing is haram because Allah (swt) had allowed him to take 2-4.
My question is if she leaves him she is saying she will never marry anyone. He feels guilty and saying he may marry her out of compassion or marry me and feel guilty about her.
Is he or me resposible for her? Does he have to take her? If she never gets married will he be accountable for that?
I have however given him the option of marrying her but he has to leave me but he says he wants me alone. what do I do.
Answer
Asc salamu `alaykum
As long as he did not marry her, neither of you are responsible for her.
Remeber that marrying more than one wife is not a requirement, in fact it is an option with some strong conditions, which most men would not be able to meet.
I suggest that your fiance should get a local good imam to reason with this other sister and her parents.
And perhaps you should move to another area.
However, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Each person has their own right to make their own decision about who they will marry. Whatever happens, happens by the will of Allah.
Name
Fareeha
-
Profession
Question
As salamu `alaykum
According to Islamic laws, after the divorce who gets to keep the children.Father or mother?
Answer
I think up to a certain age they stay with their mother, unless she gets remarried. After that age, I think the children can decide who they want to be with. However, I think you should direct this question to Ask the Scholar
Name
maryam
-
Profession
Question
As salamu `alaykum,
My husband wants to take another wife. I told him before my marriage, if he ever wants or desires another women, he can marry her, but at the same time he has to release me.
I am not the kind of person who would keep a man if he does not have the same feelings towards me. Don't get me wrong my husband is excellent in manners and deen. Even though I know he loves me, but I don't think I would be able to cope with a co-wife.
Is it acceptable in Islam to ask for a divorce even if we have kids?
But I urge you to first discuss it with a good Imam. I know it is so hard to bear your husband marrying another woman, it is so for many women. But think a little about how will you live without this marriage. Please do a lot of thinking, counseling, and soul searching before taking any action.
Name
Oinka
-
Profession
Horticulturalist
Question
My former husband (we are getting divorced) bought our house in San Francisco before we married. During our marriage, I paid for the taxes and insurance, and he paid the mortgage. The house has appreciated in value; but my husband's lawyer says that I am not entitled to have the house and that I will only be reimbursed for the expenses that I paid. Is this true?
Answer
As salamu `alaykum
First of all do you have your own lawyer, if not get one!!!
I can not just tell you what would happen, because I think I would need more info. But do not settle this on your own. Get a lawyer.
Name
Muslimah
-
Profession
Question
If a husband divorces his wife by saying it three times in one go "I divorce you,I divorce you, I divorce you" will that be considered one divorce or three divorces?
Answer
I suggest that you contact the Fatwa Online section for this question.
I'm pregnant from a black guy I met at work. I can't tell my mom and dad because they will die if they know this. But I don't want an abortion - the father is willing to pay for it; but I don't believe in it. If I keep my baby, will the father have to pay child support if he wants me to have an abortion? And what can I do about my parents, they will die if they know this.
Answer
As salamu `alaykum
Surely you must know that what you have done is a serious sin. I urge you to repent with the deepest feeling from the true depths of your heart. And promise Allah you will never engage in such behaviour again. If you do this with sincerity Allah will forgive you.
The pain this will cause your parents is so great. I am not sure how you should handle this, I think you should ask a local Muslim counselor or imam more about this.
The father will have to pay child support. You must file with the court to have them order him to pay child support. Alternatively, you can face the consequences for this life by:
a)First telling your parents
b)Getting married
Name
A
-
Profession
Question
Salam
Islam gives us marital law and rights whereever we are in this world. Why do we need the U.S. law and marital rights?
Answer
We need it to make sure that if there any problem there is some legal solution. For example:
A father who does not pay child support. How would the mother make sure she gets the money, or that she can get some state benefits.
Or a mother who has abondoned her children
The father who is not present.
How else would the grandparents be able to get custody so that they can make decisions about the children's health or education.
Islamic law is there and should resolve issues , but it is important to know these legal secular laws too so that people can get recieve help when one does not follow the Islamic law.
Name
muslimah
- United States
Profession
-
Question
As-salamu `alaykum.
How do I adjust to marriage with a Muslim husband who does not seem capable of the sort of husband-wife relationship I experienced as a non-Muslim?
I am a female convert in my late 40’s. I have been married to a Middle Eastern Arab husband for two-and-a-half years, all of which time has been miserably unhappy for me. The marriage got off to a bad start when I found out on my wedding night that nearly everything that my new husband had told me about his financial situation and other important considerations was untrue. We arranged the marriage ourselves as both of us have been married before.
I interviewed him diligently for several months over the phone since his English writing skills did not allow email correspondence. His student visa had expired, however pre-9/11, this did not seem to be an obstacle. I was having severe financial problems, so it seemed that we could help each other. I sought guidance from other American convert sisters at the mosque.
My non-Muslim teenage daughters and I made up lists of every conceivable situation that he might have to deal with and we were satisfied with his answers. I just did not take into consideration that he would be a bald-faced liar. I recently found out from him that he feared that if he returned to his country he would become a political prisoner of the regime there. In fact we did visit his country within days of the marriage, as he told me his mother was in a critical condition in the hospital. This was not the case when we arrived. I now know that the month long visit there was to see his family as he does not know when, if ever, he will return. We obtained his temporary green card permit there and I was basically his ‘stay out of jail for free’ card.
Although I can sympathize with his fear of imprisonment, I am unable to shake off the betrayal that has been carried out. The bottom line is that I would not have married this man if I had known what his actual situation was and that is why he lied. I tried to divorce him Islamically for over a year to no avail. Since he prays regularly, goes to the mosque, works several jobs, is drug and alcohol free, does not break American law, does not physically abuse me and does not chase other women, I am told I have no grounds for divorce. I married him willingly and now I just have to deal with it.
The reality is that I am married to someone I do not respect, like, or feel any type of attraction to. My husband is only home between jobs and to sleep. We both must work more than one job to pay the bills as he sends nearly half his earnings each month to care for his family members back home. I contribute more to the household than he does and I am still expected to shoulder all household tasks myself. For all of this, I get virtually no husband-wife interaction other than that he repeatedly tells me how ‘sexy’ I am. There are no heart-to-heart talks and as far as physical intimacy goes, I have never once been satisfied since the marriage began.
The whole ‘relationship’ is so far removed from what I have experienced as a non-Muslim that I wonder how I am ever going to sustain it. I realistically believe that I will never love or completely trust my husband. I have manufactured a superficial ‘coping mechanism’ so that daily life can proceed without seeming to cause friction, however, I feel like I am suffocating. I tell myself repeatedly that I am honoring my commitment to Allah; however, I cannot really understand how Allah could have allowed this to happen to me. My husband seems to have no idea that a wife is for anything other than to meet his needs and to generate income. When I attempt to talk to him about how unhappy I am, he just tells me that I need more sex or “to do what I want to”, I am forcing myself to fulfill my conjugal duties as it is.
I have talked to him repeatedly about the responsibilities and duties of the Muslim husband and wife to each other and what marriage is supposed to be. He just says that these rules do not fit today. I am at my wit’s end. The only way out of this nightmare that I can see is if he leaves me when he gets his permanent green card. I know that you will tell me that Allah hates divorce and to work on the marriage and to draw closer to Allah. I accept that I am trapped. I just want to know of any coping skills that I can develop to maintain myself in this one-sided, emotionally stilted relationship. Due to his culture, I do not believe that any change will occur in his behavior, especially since several imams supported him during my desperate attempts to divorce him. Please help.
Answer
As salamu `alaykum
Dear sister no doubt you have been through a lot. First of all remember that Allah does not allow for this type of behavior that your husband used to marry you.
Secondly, although it is true that divorce is very much disliked and one should try every means possible for keeping it together and successful, it is also true that if one can not tolerate it they can get a divorce or khul'. The Prophet (SAW) granted divorce to women who had complained to him that they were no longer happy with their husbands because of their incompatibility, while their husbands had no moral faults as such. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) never harassed these women by further questioning; he only told them to return the dower and gifts they had received from their husbands.
(This I had read from one of the Ask the Scholars page, which was written by Sheikh Ahmed Kutty)
It is clear that you should be able to get a khul', now the matter of how is the problem , and I would advise you to contact Ask the Scholar
Name
aneesa dawood
- India
Profession
Question
As salamu `alaykum
Let me please know my duties towards my in-laws and my rights from them and how much I am answerable to this to allah Subhanna wa t'allah as they have adopted other cultural ways towards me with lots of do's and don'ts. They don't allow me to go to my mother's house. I am desperate. This causes me to say lot of lies which I don't want. This kind of treatment has changed my personality. Please why is the American family system so dysfunctional? With independence can I take separation from my husband? Itis not like parting son from mom.
Answer
As salamu `alaykum, dear sister.
Islamically, you should be kind and respectful of your parents in-law, as they are you elders. However you are not responsible for them nor are you answerable to them. Subsequently you have the right to be treated respectfully and kindly by them. They have no right to abuse, or hurt you, nor can they stop you from visiting your parents. You have the duty to only obey your husband (as long as that does not interfere with your duties towards Allah) and he also does not have the right to not let you visit your parents. You have every right to ask your husband to provide you with your own home.
Dear sister, try to resolve this in an amicable way. I advise you to talk to your parents, tell them everything that is going on, and to also involve a good imam. Do not sit idle either. Do not let yourself be abused and disrespected. You need to get up and take action. Stand up on your feet, as Allah does not want to see you suffer. In every Islamic way you should try to work this out.
Name
Ali
- Iran
Profession
Question
Are temporary marriages valid, my Shiite family thinks so.
I am a bit confused and I am hoping you can clear it up. I have a friend whose parents have been divorced legally - by law of the country (USA) for more than 10 years, but the father is claiming since he didn't say "talaq" 3x the mother is not Islamically divorced so she cannot remarry or claim any money - since he hasn't paid child support.
Is this scenario logical in Islamic law? I thought if he divorced her thru the land then also Islam says that, that's a valid divorce. He can't play a game by doing one and not the other.
Jazakallah khayran for your answer - salam
Answer
You are right. You do not have to say talaq or divorce 3x. If the husband agreed to the legal divorce, then it is divorce any way you look at it. If it was divorce by default - that means, wife filed, but husband did not respond, then- wife should also get khul' through a local Imam. Child support should be given regardless, because that is for the children and their right.
Name
abdulaziz
- United States
Profession
Accountant
Question
In the context of life in USA where independant thinking in terms of self reliance is aspired, is there any room to modify the property law? Where is Islam when 2 girls share is equal to one boy. How do you make both the boys and girls understand Islamic inheritance. Noted that that it is hardly in practice in any Muslim countries.
Answer
I suggest you take them to good knowledgeable imam, who the youth find a connection to, and have him explain. Ask the Scholar
Name
Host
-
Profession
-
Question
Finally, we would like to thank Aneerah R. `Ali for taking the time to answer the questions of Islamonline viewers today, and we also thank all those who participated in this dialogue. We apologize for not being able to accommodate all the questions within the time allocated to this session. If you feel your question is very important, feel free to contact us at society_iol@hotmail.com and we will try our best to answer your question. We request our readers to join us in upcoming sessions.
Answer
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Name
S.
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
As salamu `alaykum.
I have a problem and I would be grateful if you could give me some advice:
1. My husband has two children aged six and eight years. They currently reside with their mother and stepfather. We (my husband and I) see the children every other weekend and half of the school holidays, following a court order issued two years ago. We are currently living in the UK. When my husband and I got married, almost two years ago, my husband made it very clear to me that he did not want to rush into having children and he wanted to wait three or four years before having a child. The reason for this length of time was so that he could build a strong foundation and marriage for having children in the future. He also wanted to make sure that I was the right person with whom he could have a child.
Two or three months ago, my husband decided that he would like to take his current children to the Middle East to see their grandparents. He said his parents were heartbroken because they have never seen their grandchildren since they were only one or two years old. He would have to apply to the High Court in England, so that he could take them on holiday next year for a maximum of 3 weeks. I said that I would stand by him and support him through this, even though I knew it was going to be a tough battle; the ex-wife is strongly against him taking the children there. I must point out at this stage that the ex-wife allowed him to take his children to the Middle East two years after they separated. The reason why she is stopping him from taking them now is the ill feeling between both parents.
At first, my husband said that he would commit to having a child with me when he returns from the Middle East with the children, but when I asked him what would happen if the courts said that he couldn’t take them, he said that he would never have a child with me, or with any woman in this country! When I asked him why, he said that he would feel insecure to have another child if the law proved to be against him. At this point, I did make it clear that I would allow him to take our baby to the Middle East if we ever separated, but this wasn’t good enough.
I offered to go to a solicitors and get a contract drawn up to give him permission to take our child if ever there was a separation between us, but my husband still insisted that he would not have a child with me if the courts do not allow him to take his current children abroad. I have tried everything to assure him that I will not betray him in the future, but without the law on his side, he feels uncomfortable to commit to any more children.
He has already lost custody of his children following a five-year battle with his ex- wife, who is still making him more and more miserable by using the children to hurt him in every way possible. I can understand that my husband just wants to feel secure in this country and wants to have the law on his side in case he has to go through more heartache with another person (me) in the future. But I really want to have children with him so desperately, because I see his children every other weekend and feel jealous that they are not mine. The jealousy is eating away inside of me, and I get upset all the time. Please don’t ask me to speak to my husband about how I am feeling, because we have already talked about the same issue again and again, to the point where it has nearly cost us our marriage.
My husband doesn’t want to talk about it anymore until the court hearing in seven months time, and I fear that bringing up the subject again and again will only cause more stress and heartache for both of us. At the same time, I can’t help feeling down and insecure, I keep wondering what the future will hold for both of us. My husband said that there is a possibility of having a child if I wait until the children are older (14 or 15 years old) and we could ask them if they want to go to the Middle East. He said that if they say no, then he will still give me a child, but he insists that until his children go to see their grandparents, he will not have a child with me. The only exception is if they refuse to go when they are 14 or 15, because by that time they are old enough to decide for themselves, so whatever answer they give, my husband will respect their wishes and will start a family with me. I am not prepared to wait 8 or 9 years for this, because it is not fair on me. What does Islam say about this? Is there any particular book that you think I might find useful in giving me some answers to my current problem? What do you think I should do, based on the teachings of Islam?
Answer
Dear sister, this is indeed a tough situation for you. I suggest that you wait for this hearing to be decided, and then talk to your husband one more time. If he does not agree, then you need to decide what you want to do. It is your right in Islam to have children. If one cannot have children with their spouse, these are very strong grounds for seeking divorce.
However I urge you to give it a little more time and try to get a good local imam or someone both your husband and you respect to help.
Name
S.
- United States
Profession
Question
I had my son out of marriage. I took my shahada afterward, and later me and my son s father got married, he had also taken his shahada. I was told by one sheikh that we were forgiven because we repented and took our shahada; that if we had been apart after the shahada it was his biological son, and he could take care of it, but it had to live with me. But, another sister read a book called the sealed nectar and says that it says that my son is mine and not my husbands because we had him before marriage. Please counsel me on this, and tell me what I should tell this sister who is stuck on only discussing this issue, and not sisterhood.
Answer
Please direct your question to the "Ask the Scholar" section, the will be able to help you more.
Name
Wendy
- Philippines
Profession
Question
As salamu `alaykum!
I am a widowed with one daughter and she is 4 months old. I want to know the grounds regarding child custody based on Islamic Law and Egyptian law. If I
re-marry again is there a possibility that the family of my late husband can take my daughter from me.
Answer
If you remain unmarried then your child will remain with you. If you remarry then according to the prominent Muslim economist and counseler Dr. Monzer Kahf:
If both parents are Muslims and one of them dies (as your situation), minor children have the right to be with a caring blood-related female under a blood-related male as head of family. The list of relatives with custodial priority is given by the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) as follows:
The mother if not married, or married to a brother of the deceased
The mother's mother, provided she is not married to a man not related by blood to the children
The father's mother, provided she is not married to man not related by blood to the children
The children mother's sister, then their father's sister, with the same condition
.
If none are available then the mother will take custody of the child regardless of who she is married to.
Name
Umm Bilal
-
Profession
Question
In the US in case of divorce who is more likely to get custody of the children, the mother or father?
Answer
In the US Courts, custody is given based upon what is in the best interest of the child. They take everything into account before deciding who should have custody of the child. Things like:
Who is the child more bonded with
The environment that the child will be living in
Would changing the environment be harmful to the child
Are any of the parents involved with activities which could potentially be harmful to the child
.
All aspects are looked at before coming to the final decision.
Name
Amne
- Kenya
Profession
Question
My husband divorced me when our son was 8 months old. He then stated that he would take our son when he was 7 years old, according to Islamic law. English laws apply in my country (Kenya) and the International Convention on the Rights of the Child is applied in custody cases. I went to court and was awarded full custody care and control of the child, meaning that he will be with me until he is 18. This is obviously in conflict with Islamic laws.
I find myself in a dilemma in that I deliberately chose Secular Law over Islamic laws in the custody matter (as I could have gone to a religious court) because the Secular Courts look at the best interests of the child - which is to be with me as his primary care giver - over the religious courts, which would traditionally apply Islamic law. Interestingly though, the religious courts in Kenya also apply the best interests of the child rule in most cases and the islamic judges (qadhi's) have many times given custody to mothers, again contrary to the strict islamic laws.
In your view:
Does the Shari`ah need to be interpreted in a way that looks at the best interests of the child in custody cases, whatever the outcome
?
Would Islamic Courts apply the strict letter of Shari`ah Law be accused of contravening internationally accepted conventions on the rights of the child?
Where does that leave believing and practicing Muslims like myself trying to protect their children from psychologically stressful situations, such as having to leave their primary care giver at a tender age?
Answer
As salaamu `alaykum
According to my knowledge, at the age of 7 for a boy and 9 for a girl (there may be difference in different school sof thought) a child has the right to decide with who he wants to live with. I think if the Shari`ah is implemented the right way then it should be the law of court one should follow. And according to my knowledge, the Shari`ah Court will not just give a child to the father, without looking at all conditions and seeing what is in the best interest of the child.
If a mother feels that the decision that is being made will be a great detriment to the child, for example, she knows that for a fact the father is abusive, then she should take whatever steps necessary to ensure her child's safety.
Name
Samirah
- United States
Profession
Question
I have been divorced for many years and did not date anyone until I met the man I am seeing now. He is a Muslim, and I am divorced with children from the first marriage. He would like to marry me. Can a practicing Muslim do that? Marry a divorced woman with children? Would this cause problems for him with his religion, or with his family that are not in this country?
Answer
Yes of course one can marry a divorced woman in Islam. Divorce does not bar anyone from marriage, in fact Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) married women who had been divorced.
Name
-
- United States
Profession
Question
What is to be said of a divorced Muslim man who spends more time with non-Muslim youth than with his own Muslim children that he has joint custody for?
He buys things for other children, and tells his own he does not have anything for them, because he pays child support.
Very seldom does he call them, or spend time with them, unless their mom brings them to him. And even then sometimes he leaves the home without them, when they are there to visit him. Also, this man disrespects the wishes of his mother (he lives with her in her home), regarding who he can and cannot bring to her home, how he treats his children and other issues.
He says mean, hurtful things to her in the presence of others (according to his mom). He spends most of his non-working hours with young teenage boys.
Answer
I think it is not a good idea to take your children to this man as they are likely to suffer more harm than good.
Name
N.
- United States
Profession
Question
As salamu `alaykum
Should I return to my husband in a Middle Eastern country, without my children?
I was married in the Middle East. I brought my children 14 and 12, there to live with my husband. My husband has a good job and a big heart. He has no problem caring for my children. I was alone for 9 years before I remarried.
However, my children have had a very hard time adjusting to sharing me with someone else. They do not accept him. Also, they hate the Middle East. They say it is too hot to play outside and there is nothing to do, its too boring. I brought them back to the USA to leave them with thier fathers family. I am however, having a very difficult time leaving them.
They refuse to return to this Middle Eastern country. They simply will not get on a plane. I am torn between my children and husband. My husband is becoming increasingly angry and he will divorce me if I am not back in his house by the end of this year. Please advise me.
Answer
As salamu `alaykum
Dear sister, as a mother I can understand how hard it is to leave your children and to live without them. However, your children are older enough to know what they want.
According to Islamic law after the age of 7 children can decide which parent to live with. Your children are 14 and 12 and they seem to be happy in the U.S. with their father.
You have an important duty to fulfill and that is the duty to your husband. Talk with everyone concerned and set up a plan in which you can visit your children or they can come visit you from time to time.
