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Name
hasnaa
- Egypt
Profession
Question
Asalamu alaykum,
I want to know some pragmatic tips to know how to deal with the excessive desire for buying many things even if I don't need them. I feel that I can't control myself when I'm in a big store or super market though I know it is a bad thing. What to do especially in these days of the economic crisis and the high expenses in everywhere. I really can't control! Please advise!
Answer
This is a good question, especially in today's economy. It is not only consumers that are feeling the tight economy - the companies are feeling it too so they have also increased their marketing influence to encourage people to buy more. For people who experience control challenges with shopping this is a difficult situation - a tight budget, an existing problem, and increased temptation.
As with many habits, addictions or compulsions an effective way to change is to train your mind to think in a different way. Here are some ideas to start with. Not all of them may work for you or be suitable for you, but they are some ideas to get you started. Many have been effective with clients I have worked with before.
1. Make a commitment to organize your home once a month. During this time go through old clothing, books, decorations and anything you do not use and put them into different boxes - one for storage (perhaps winter clothes to wear later or decorations for a later holiday?), one box for things to give to charity and friends and one box of things to throw away or recycle.
As you are sorting these things into boxes make a mental note of how much each item cost you. Over time the visual effect of "throwing money away" into boxes will start to change the way you look at your purchases. Some clients report that instead of new purchases looking attractive they start to think about how horrible it will be to put that into a box in a month because they won't really use it that much.
2. Plan shopping trips for once a week or only twice a month. If you make good lists of what you need around the home you will not need to shop more than that. By reducing your exposure to these big stores or supermarkets you will weaken your compulsion to purchase extra items. Additionally, you will be so busy purchasing the many items you need (because you waited so long to shop) that you will not have a lot of room in your cart and will feel tired of shopping.
3. Shop at smaller stores. This is another effective way to defeat the lure of the large supermarkets and stores. Large stores are actually planned with lighting, design, organization and product placement to lure shoppers into purchasing more. Did you know that in grocery stores they actually conduct frequent studies on where to place items so people will be more likely to purchase them? Beat the system by shopping at smaller stores. We tend to see the larger stores as more convenient but if we start purchasing our fruit from the fruit vendor and bread from the bakery there are fewer opportunities to over-purchase.
4. Put items back on the shelf. This is a technique that works for many people. At the end of their shopping trip, before they pay for their items, they look through their cart and put back at least 5 items. Or they limit themselves to one extra item. I could go into many details about why this is effective but I do know this method is highly effective although it may seem simple.
5. There is a direct relation to the amount a person creates and consumes. The more a person consumes, the less they create and the more they create the less they consume. Find a hobby or a job or something creative to do around the home. The more time you spend creating, the less time you will have to shop and the less desire you will have to purchase more things.
6. Try to find the root cause of this desire and see if you can heal that cause. Sometimes people who grew up in a household where there was "never enough" continue into adulthood always feeling there is "never enough".
7. Minimize damage. Sometimes the compulsion to purchase many things is difficult to get rid of quickly. You can minimize damage by limiting your extra purchases to small things like candy bars, nail polish, notebooks, flowers, magazines and other purchases that are under a few dollars (or pounds as you are in Egypt).
8. If it helps, shop with a friend. Sometimes this makes the problem worse, sometimes better. Try it and see if it works for you.
9. Start working a part time job or running a small business - even if you don't need the income it sometimes helps to see how much work goes into the money that is being spent. If you already have a job then start looking at things you purchase in terms of "hours" instead of money. When you see a pretty dress you want to buy think of the most miserable day at work and think "Wow, it is going to cost me 4 hours of that day to purchase this dress." Does is still seem so attractive?
I have many more tips I would like to share but am running out of time.
Insha'allah the tips I have been able to share now are helpful.
Name
Musilman
-
Profession
Question
Nowadays, during life's hardships and the economic crisis everyone is stressed. So many problems are caused because of this phenomenon... How can I avoid this stress to become a member of my family??
Answer
The hardship and stress of today's economy is multidimensional. At the root of the problem is the fact that many people are losing their jobs and some people do not have enough money to pay for basic needs or they do not have as much money as they used to have.
However, this stress can be increased ten-fold or more when additional stress is added for one or more of the following reasons. Keep in mind that we sometimes do not have control over the fact that money is tight. But we DO have control over the following factors and we need to take back control of these instead of letting them control us:
1. Worry about the future. In addition to not having money now many people spend time worrying about if they will have money in the future. Instead of working and making their best effort and feeling hope and faith, they instead feel a sense of hopelessness and lack of faith that things will get better. Many studies show that at least 85% of what we worry about never happens. If you are increasing your stress with worry it will help to practice focusing on the present moment and try to discipline yourself to think or feel badly only about things that have happened and not things that "might" happen.
2. Feeling guilt about money or the economy. In addition to having a tight budget many people feel guilty that they are no longer able to pay for the things they used to provide their family with. Practice feeling joyful for the things one does have or for the things one is able to do instead of the things one is unable to provide and try to eliminate guilt as one of the stresses.
3. Blame. A lot of people increase their stress by blaming someone or something for their condition. Blame, anger and negative emotions can drain a person's emotional health. Try to practice acceptance instead of blame to reduce stress. Realize that blame is not helping solve the problem.
4. Panic. The news media has been highly irresponsible in the past year in its handling of the current economic situation. By reporting how "bad" the economy is, they have made it worse by causing panic, causing people to purchase less and to be fearful and mistrustful of banks, stores and their jobs. Reduce your intake of news media. It is usually enough to watch the news once a week and read the paper once a week. A daily dose of news can cause great stress in many people.
5. Anger. If a person feels anger about their current situation this can also increase stress. Try to substitute this anger with "doing something about it", "being creative", "being patient", "thinking of this as a test" or some other positive action or thought. Anger drains the body of emotional and physical energy and can make everything seem worse.
6. Not sleeping or eating well. Because of the current economic crisis many people are having a hard time sleeping and/or have lost their appetites. Sleep and good nutrition increase our ability to deal with stress in life. Imagine someone does not sleep for two days, skips breakfast and then goes into work and finds out they are fired. Now imagine another person wakes up from a restful weekend of sleep and relaxation, has a wonderful home cooked meal and goes into work and finds out they are fired. Which one do you think will be able to deal with the situation in the most rational and balanced way?
7. Feeling helpless or hopeless. Some people increase their stress by focusing on the feelings of feeling hopeless or helpless. You can combat these feelings by either doing something to help yourself each day or to help someone else each day. This could mean that each day you send out a job resume or you work a few more hours. It could mean that you work on creative ways to reduce expenses around the house or you sell some things you own. It could mean that you share a meal with someone who is worse off than you are. As long as you continue to work towards improving your situation and those around you hope will be strong.
I could list more tips, but we are running out of time. The main message I would like to deliver, however, is basically to make sure you don't add to the stress that is already there. The only stress that we don't have control over is the lack of money. We actually have control over all the other stresses we put on top of that. Take control of the rest and you will be able to weather this crisis with grace until it is over.
Name
Dandy
- Canada
Profession
Question
Asslamu alaykum
Dear Dr. Burns, dear IOLer’s
I’d like first to thank you all for shedding light in such important issues.
My problem is that I never been a money keeper, I love to spend money no matter how or why. Actually I never feel as I have a problem with this, only few months ago I start to realize that I’m not bearable when it’s about spending money.
I’m 30 years old, I used to get high salaries and till now after about 10 years of work I got nothing but my old car and the home which I share with my parents!
I can not deny that the financial disaster make things worse for me, as I can’t pay out the same way I used to. But I still believe that I’m the main problem as they said “I’m my own worst enemy”.
I wish that you’re able to help me out with this problem.
Thanks in advance for help Dr.
Salams
Answer
First, there is nothing wrong with working and enjoying your money. Saving or owning many nice items is not noble in itself and owning nice cars and homes is certainly not a necessity in life. In some ways you are fortunate that you have enjoyed your money and not wasted it on material items that fill up the cupboards and basements in your home. This is the plight of many modern families.
Some people choose to spend their money on education, gifts for others, entertainment, travel or hosting parties. Not everyone chooses to purchase nice cars, houses and furnishings. So there is nothing wrong with continuing your current state of material wealth. There is a problem, however, with not keeping some money or savings aside for retirement, emergencies or investment in the future.
As with all things the first step to healing or solving a problem is identifying the problem to begin with. You have already done that so this will be of great benefit to you.
Secondly, I feel that it is most effective to work with each person's individual type instead of giving general advice. In your case there are many bits of advice I could give you. I am sure that your family and friends have offered similar advice. Or perhaps you have even read some books on how to save money more effectively. However, the only method that will work is one that takes your own personal profile into account.
You need to practice saving money but because you are unable to feel the benefit at this time, because you are used to feeling secure with high salaries, it will be difficult for you to voluntarily think in your own mind "I think I need to save ten dollars this week" or something like that. When a person is accustomed to economic crisis their mind is trained to think, "I should save that ten dollars for something else". However, you need to give your mind time to adapt.
While this is happening you would achieve best results with saving methods that prevent you from using the money. I am not sure what your options are in Canada so I will list some options we have in the United States:
1. Bank CDs (Certificates of Deposit) - These are bank certificates that usually have a time frame attached to them - you purchase them at one value and they increase in value but you are unable to take the money out for a period of time.
2. Property - when you purchase property with your money - a home, land, or even something like a gold bracelet - it is hard to spend that money unless you go to the trouble of selling the item again. Make sure some of the money you are spending is going into investments of some kind, even if they are small. I have had clients that were able to sell cameras, gold, and even collectible items when financial crisis came.
3. Stocks or Mutual Funds - these are not always a secure way to save money - as the value of your money could either go up or down with these investments. However, if you have a difficult time saving anything this option is most certainly better than zero.
4. Education - spending money to take a class can increase your ability to earn more money in the future.
5. Business investments - Are you thinking of retiring or are you having trouble finding work? Using your money to purchase equipment for a future business could help. I know a teacher who purchased a video camera and uses it to take videos of weddings every weekend. Their weekend work earns them more than their teacher salary every year and keeps them busy so they don't have as much time to spend the money either.
Insha'Allah this is helpful. I wish I had more time for your question. In general, however, I wanted to reassure you that your current situation is nothing to be ashamed of and that if you want to save money in the future you need to choose methods that prevent you from having control over that savings. So, for example, having a saving's account where you are free to take the money when you want, would not be a good idea.
Name
sara
- Egypt
Profession
translator
Question
How can I make a balance between my needs and my salary because I can't keep money till the end of the month even if my salary is big or small?
Answer
This is a common problem among many people. Have you noticed that even famous figures in Hollywood or politicians also have trouble with this? It certainly does not matter how much money a person earns. Usually people will automatically adapt their needs to their salary. The second mistake people make is to purchase items that create long term financial commitment like large homes with high taxes or boats that require ongoing dock rental and storage fees. Here are some tips on how to slow or stop this cycle:
1. Decide what your needs are and don't change them when your salary increases. Perhaps you own a very simple cell phone that has served you well for years. If your salary increases resist the temptation to upgrade to a new phone. Usually this will increase your commitment to the cellular phone company and some phones cost more to keep each month because of internet or other features. Marketing is targeted to make people believe they need more than they have. We always "need" more channels, better cell phones, better cars and better internet speeds. There is a traditional saying that advises, "Don't fix what isn't broken". If it is not "broken", meaning, if you are doing fine without it now, don't fall into the trap of thinking you need something better when you get more money. I know successful business women and men who carry very simple cell phones because that is all they need, while their colleagues carry fancy Blackberries and Iphones.
2. Realize that you will always "need" something more. "Need" never ends so if you are waiting for the needs to end so you can start saving this will never happen. Start saving now. I gave a previous person advice on how to save more effectively. You might find some of those suggestions useful as well.
3. Keep temptation to a minimal. Every time you look at a catalog that has arrived in the mail, walk around the mall, go to the grocery store or go shopping or watch TV you are being exposed to unlimited possibilities and desires. The more you limit your exposure to these things, the less you will "need". Spend time taking walks in nature, playing sports, participating in a hobby or other activities. Keep activities that involve consumerism to a minimum.
4. Know what your needs really are. Of course all of our real needs are food, housing and water. What I am talking about here is what are those additional "needs" that we all convince ourselves that we cannot live without. However, often we get those "needs" confused with peer pressure, marketing or other emotions. Don't be scared to "be yourself" and identify what YOUR real needs are. For example, there is trend in the past few years for everyone to get large flat screen TVs. Before you follow the trend, think about it. Do you really watch TV enough to need one? Do you really need to experience the picture that large? For many average TV viewers, their old 24" or 26" TV is quite suitable.
Insha'Allah some of these suggestions combined with the suggestions I have made to others are helpful.
Name
Rasha
-
Profession
Question
Thanks for this session. My question about how far the stress can go to? Why there were some suicide cases?
Answer
Stress has no limits unless we take back control of our emotions. Stress can cause physical damage to our bodies and has even been shown to be a factor in major illnesses such as cancer and heart disease. As I mentioned to another participant this morning, we cannot control the economy, but we can control how we react to it and our current situation.
Suicide is a complex emotional and physical issue and happens for many different reasons. Often people will leave a "suicide note" explaining why they did what they did or people will try to find reasons for the person's actions.
However, the truth is that suicide is made up of a complex mixture of imbalances in the body (hormones, brain chemistry, etc...), stress, emotional trauma, life trauma, lack of sleep, poor nutrition and more.
One could say a person committed suicide because they didn't have enough money to pay for their home but then why doesn't everyone in the same situation do the same? Because they don't have the same combination of factors the first person did.
One must be aware and take care of all the aspects of stress - physical, emotional, and psychological as well as crisis and monitor their coping abilities. Is the person sleeping enough and eating well so they can best cope with their problems and conditions in life? Is the person seeking help for their stress, depression or fears? Suicide often comes after a long period of time of mismanaged stress, emotions, trauma and other factors. Suicide does not just suddenly occur because of one bad financial situation or because the economy is poor.
Name
Zad
- Egypt
Profession
Question
For the last 3 months my husband has been pretending to go to work but I've discovered that the firm he worked for has gone under and he's lost his job. He is very tense all the time, and I found out that he is borrowing money from his family to provide our financial needs. How can I let him know that I knew all his secrets? And will this reduce his tension and help him to overcome this problem or make it worse?
Answer
The human condition is that people need to feel they have a purpose in life. For many men (and women) this purpose can get easily shifted to their job over time. Although their "purpose" in life is multidimensional they can often feel that it is their work that is giving them meaning and purpose in life. Over time it becomes hard to see what other things give purpose and meaning to their life. Of course, companies train mangers and staff to feel this way. Giving employees a sense of pride and purpose in their jobs creates a better work force. This is good for the companies and can be good for the happy workforce, but only for a time. Eventually the person can start to disconnect from the other things that give their life meaning and purpose and it becomes hard to reconnect again.
This feeling of disconnection and a feeling of "a life without purpose" often happens when people lose their jobs and it can increase over time. Confronting your husband immediately may not be the best way to talk to him about this. Eventually you will need to be honest with him and tell him you know and try to encourage him and show him you love and support him.
However, before you talk to him, give him some time to tell you on his own. Take time to mention and thank him for all the things he is "useful" for. Tell him how much you appreciate him being there for you, tell him how much talking to him helps you feel better, tell him how important he is to the children and how he teaches them so much (if you have children), tell him how you are inspired by him, thank him for help he offers around the home (even with small things or even if all he does each week is mow the lawn) and let him know that you "don't know what you would do without him". Remind him of the many and daily ways his life has meaning.
At the same time, express your own enthusiasm for being careful during these "hard economic times" and tell him you would like to work on reducing the budget in some ways.
Try to be there to listen to him when he is at home so he has an opportunity to open up to you. Don't spend most of the evening working, cleaning or watching TV. Take some time just to sit with him, even if it is in silence.
When he feels his life has more purpose, he feels he can relate to you (because you are also concerned about money and you are not blaming it on him, it came from your own ideas), and he feels you are there for him to listen, he may open up on his own. I am sure he wants to, he may just be looking for an opportunity. You can help create that opportunity for him.
Name
a
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
I seem to have a lot of mental issues. I get angry and annoyed very quickly. I feel like anger is inside me. I have mood swings one moment ill be crying the next I'm happy. I feel anxious and worried sometimes for no reason. I'd also like to add that I have low self-confidence. All this was not an issue for me before but now I have realized I react when other people comment about me and I make sure I show them I'm angry or upset. I get angry and react when my father says something to me. Somehow I feel I haven't been able to bond with him and I do regret that but every time I think I will try to accept Dad's criticism or comments on my actions and then I get angry again and think I'm not going to bother. I'm trying to look for a job as well and I keep getting rejected. I feel really low and confused and a few times I have thought maybe I am going Mad because I feel like a monster.
Answer
Getting rejected from jobs and struggling in a relationship with your father can certainly put a strain on your emotional health and cause increased anger, anxiety and stress. In turn, this increased anger and stress can make it difficult to repair the relationship with your father or to find work.
However, the root cause of this anger and anxiety is deeper. To heal these emotions you need to find the root cause as well as the additional stress factors to help yourself heal.
The root cause(s) could be things like the economy, trauma in childhood, loss of a loved one, moving, hormone imbalance, chemical imbalance, clinical depression, Just to name a few. You can seek counseling, natural or herbal therapies or medication for these issues. I have links on my website that answer a number of health questions and give advice on how you can cope with many of these issues naturally. To read about some of these solutions you can visit www.TheHerbnMuslim.com
Next you need to identify the stress factors that are making your condition worse or preventing you from healing. Some common stress factors that fall into this category are: lack of sleep, not drinking enough water, drinking too much coffee, poor diet, not enough exercise, too much exercise, not enough sun, too much sun, etc..
We are running out of time for this session - insha'Allah this short answer was helpful.
Name
Mansoor
- Pakistan
Profession
Question
I sometimes hit my toddler badly. I don't know how to stop it because afterwards I feel regret but I can't do anything about it. My toddler doesn't have good sleep habits which makes me angry. If I put him early to bed he wakes up after 2-3 hours and then spends the whole night awake. If I stay up late he becomes cranky. What can I do to help him and I. I also have a 3-month-old baby. Please give me some advice and please let me know if there is any dua'a that can help me in this situation because you may understand that no mother intentionally wants to hit her lovely FIRST CHILD.
Answer
Lack of sleep can make it hard to make good choices. As you know already, hitting your child is not a good choice to make. Here are some tips that may help you:
1. Sleep is a key here. It is hard to function at optimum levels with lack of sleep. As mothers we may forgo sleep for reasons of "helping our family" but we are not really helping our family if our lack of sleep is preventing us from running the house or dealing with problems effectively. Why do you wake up with your toddler? Do you feel he needs you or do you feel a duty as a mother to help him get back to sleep? This is kind and compassionate. However, if this sacrifice of sleep increases your anger management issues with your toddle it would be better to leave him to wake alone, than to allow him to wake up to get hit.
2. Why is your toddler waking at night? Try to find the cause of this and solve it. Do they have problems with bed wetting? Do they feel ignored during the day and feel they can get your attention only at night? Sometimes hitting can be a form of attention for a child who feels lonely - so even if he knows he will get hit by waking at night he may still want this attention even if it is negative attention. Does he have other problems? Does he drink sodas or tea that keeps him awake? Does he drink excess sugar or chocolate? You can give him some calming herbal tea before bed to help him sleep. Can you spend some more time with him during the day? Would this help?
3. Can he sleep with you? Sometimes toddlers are scared if they have their own room and are alone. They may also feel left out or jealous if the baby is sleeping with mama. It is common and healthy to share a family bed with children until they are age 7 and sometimes older. If you feel uncomfortable or cannot sleep well with them in the bed, you could set a small bed next to your bed or a sleeping bag on the floor and let them know that if they have trouble sleeping in their own room they can sleep with you but that they must not wake you up.
4. Are your expectations of your toddler too high? When do you usually hit him? Sometimes our expectations of what a child should be able to do at a certain age are much too high. We often expect a toddler to understand or function like an older child. When they are unable to we can feel angry or frustrated. It can help to find a list of "expected behaviors" for each age of your child. There are lists online if you Google for "Child development stages" or "what to expect from a three year old" or something like that. Reading these lists can help you know what to expect. I have seen this greatly decrease tension between mother and child in many situations.
Name
Fazila
- Kenya
Profession
Question
Salam
I am an Indian practicing Muslim, and a single mother of two grown-ups: a girl and a boy. 12 years back in 1998 I walked out of my matrimonial home with both my children who were then 15 and 12 years old respectively.
Al hamdu Lillah it is Allah's Will - my daughter is a physically challenged suffering from a condition known as Cerebral Palsy which has left her physically disabled. She is confined to a wheelchair and needs full assistance all the time with day-to-day activities, but mentally she is absolutely alright.
My main reason for leaving the children's father was his negligent attitude towards the girl. After I left him I started working, and by the grace of God I was able to provide for both my children, and myself very comfortably. I even enrolled my daughter in a rehabilitation centre run by Christians. She opted to drop out of the centre because of being ridiculed about her hijab and fasting - my daughter is a practicing Muslim like myself.
Last year due to the political turmoil in Kenya i lost my job and financially things are tight. now my issue is as follows:
My husband has not officially divorced me we were married under the Shari'ah.
During these past 11 years he has not even once bothered to know about the well- being of his children
I want to know now how can I tackle him under the Shari'ah to maintain at least the girl[his daughter]. Is there any providence for this in the Islamic jurisprudence?
As you know we live in a 3rd world country where there is no government assistance of any kind unlike in the west.
Answer
Dear Fazila,
I am not able to offer much advice as I am unsure of what the social situation in Kenya is and what motivation you could create for your ex-husband to start helping with his child. You indicated that there are no government agencies to help. If there are no official avenues for him to be held responsible for child support are there organizations, family, lawyers or other methods? What do people typically do in Kenya when they need child support?
To be realistic it would be difficult, even in the USA, to gain child support after so many years of not receiving it. It would cost money to fight for it in court and much time. It may not be worth pursuing in the end.
You may want to consider an alternate way of thinking about it. Until now who has provided for you? Allah has provided. It has not been other people but Allah working through other people. Perhaps your husband is not meant to be one of those people. You are going through a hard time now, but as it has in the past, you will be provided for by the grace of Allah and not by the grace of your ex husband or anyone else.
Take comfort in knowing that you are being taken care of - you have 11 years of proof - and that your current situation will soon improve.
Do what you can to help yourself by searching for another job, being careful with the family budget and seeking public help when needed (like the free educational facilities you mentioned before). Let people know you need help and don't be shy or ashamed about asking for help - even with something small like letting someone open a door for you or help you carry a heavy bag. Say your prayers and du'aa' and wait to see who or what Allah will choose to send his next bounty to you.
Even if you do manage to win a case against your husband (and I do wish I could help more with this, but I do not know the laws or social structures in Kenya) remember that it is not your ex-husband that is giving you the money - it is Allah sending you money through him.
Name
Parvin
- India
Profession
Question
I am married for the past 4 years and my husband has not yet started supporting me financially. My in-laws and my family expect me to work hard to support both of us. I am tired of running around for money. My husband is quite pious and good but he does not work to support me or his parents. I have waited patiently so long and I don't really know for how long I should wait. We don't have children and his family wants us to have one despite the fact that I will have to work for the child if we have one. I am frustrated and would like to ask as to why many of the so-called religious men don't support family and only talk about Islam.
Answer
This is a difficult question to answer as I do not know the entire situation. All are usually more complex than they seem. At anyone's first reading of your question it does seem obvious that your husband should be helping to support you and the family. This is his duty in Islam as well as his duty as a husband.
The simple answer would be that he needs to start helping to support the family right now and that you should definitely not have children until this issue is resolved.
However, there may be deeper issues in this problem. Is your husband performing a lot of community service or does he have an important part in the community where he is helping many people? What does he do with his time? If he is performing noble and needed deeds in society with his time then it could be your blessing that you were gifted with such a good job that you can afford to support someone who is assisting so many people in the community.
Is your husband more suited to the home than to work? In some cases the husband is skilled at keeping the house in order and managing children but is not as skilled at finding or keeping a job. In such cases the woman and man can agree that the woman will work outside the home while the man takes on the role of the house. Is he willing to consider this arrangement or is this the arrangement that you already have?
Consider the consequences of changing the situation. Would life be better if your husband started working and helping financially or would you miss some of the benefits of his staying "at home"?
If, after reading some of these questions and considering them,, you still do not feel his unemployment serves a deeper purpose then you need to become serious about insisting that he help you support the family.
Name
Editor
-
Profession
Answer
At the end, we would like to thank Dr. Karima K. Burns for her presence with IslamOnline readers today. And we appologize for not being able to answer all questions for time constraints.
