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Answer
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Name
zaid
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Profession
Question
I understand the nature of my problem is complicated.We are happily married and try to follow Islam as a way of my life as far as we can.My wife had a very serious female disease, due to which the doctor has to remove her uterus completely. We lost all hope of having kids.We took everything as a test of Allah. For last 2 years, I can feel some changes occuring in my mind. Frequently I feel depressed and can not do my research job.I consulted Psychiatrist and psychologist and they gave their treatment and advises. My wife, who is really an extraordinarily good women suggested me to take a 2nd wife but not to divorce her.I also never think to divorce her. But according to USA legal system, as far as I know, I can not marry a women as long as I have one wife.My wife whole-hearted wants me to marry another wife which I can not do according to USA legal system, which is a serious crime. My request to you to provide me, what are solutions to our problems Islamically and according to USA legal system.I will deeply appreciate your kind advices and legal rulings on this aspect which may meet USA legal system as well as ....please give me good cyber counseling
Answer
Dear Br Zaid:
Your case reminds me of a similar problem faced by an Indonesian brother living in Germany. This was back in the early Eighties when I visited his city to give a talk to the Indonesian Islamic Society. He was the leader of the group and was one of the most spiritually motivated people I have met in my life. Whenever he came across a conflicting situation, he would make Salat Al-Istikharah and more often then not he would see a dream in which the Prophet (pbuh) would tell him what to do. One early middle-aged German committed Muslim lady came to their headquarters saying that she had a daughter who was 18 years old at the time and who was extremely beautiful. The mother wanted one of the young Indonesian men to marry her daughter in order to save her from her daughter’s enticement of the material life in Germany. When this mother became Muslim she divorced her Christian and lived in a German Turkish community. The mother was happy to ware Hijab, but the daughter started to revolt and protested to her mother that she had come to Islam after leaving freely as a German women and that she(the girl) wanted to experience the same kind of materialistic life before coming to the traditional Islamic way of life. The mother wanted her to get married to a good Muslim who may be able her to change her thoughts. The Indonesian brothers asked their leader to marry this young lady. He told me that he made the Istikharah Salah and very same kind of dream would reoccur to him in his dreams. He would come to hold the hand of the young German girl, but finds himself holding her mother. He was finally convinced that he was to marry the mother and not the daughter. The mother was at least 15 years older then him and she had hysterectomy and accordingly could not give him any children. When he told her about the dream and asked her hand, she asked for a few weeks recess where she can also make Istikharah Salah. She finally accepted but informed him that she would be very happy to take care of his children when he takes a second wife. The brother told me that he loved this women so much after marriage that he never thought of taking another wife and that he does not feel sorry about not having children. He later realized that the daughter was so enticed by the "happy go lucky" life of the youth in Germany, he did his best as the husband of her mother to straighten her life, but he failed.
In your case brother Zaid, you can have another wife without declaring it so as to be able to father some children or you may, if you wish, to be a guardian to young orphaned children. In Islam adoption, where you give your name to the adopted child as the father to that child, is not allowed because Islam is against confusion regarding lineage . This wisdom of this ruling is quite obvious in many non-Muslim countries in which children would discover after a number of years that the adopting parents are not their real biological parents. Many of them become extremely depressed and anxious. But if the child knows at an early age that the guardians raising him/her as their child are not his real biological parents he would accept it and grow up without serious difficulties. When a couple bring up a child they begin to love him/her in a way not different from that which they would had for their own biological children. I have known of many cases in which children brought up in such homes care for their guardians in old age in a way which I would doubted whether their own biological children would do.
Dear son Zaid, if you love your wife to the extent that you hesitate to harm her feelings by taking another wife, then you should seriously think about being a guardian to a Muslim orphan child. In this way, you can save a Muslim child from being adopted by a non-muslim family where he may lose his/her religion and identity. You may be aware of the Hadith in which the Prophet (pbuh) said: "I and the guardian of an orphan in paradise are like this" where he pointed to his middle and index finger and slightly separated them; meaning that he these type people have a very close status to the Prophet (pbuh) in paradise.
The editor---
In case you consider DR. Malik Badri's advice for guardianship of an orphan, be aware that there is a refugee Iraqi muslim community some where in California that has children for adoption.
Name
sahar
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Profession
Question
saklam elek
I asked my questions some times ago, but I didnt give details. now i have wrote my story in details, I think you can help me find some answers. thank you very much for your help and guidance. may God bless you.About 10 years a go I fell in love with a boy and he also was very much in love with me, we used to go out a lot and we enjoyed each others company, it was as if I was blind for that period and I didn’t think about its consequences, I was happy about being in love because he was also in love with me too and this was this was like a success story for me, maybe my past was also influential because I thought that no one will fall in love with me….. anyway, after 2 months I began to come out of dreams and realize the mistake, since I had already decided that I won`t marry him, he was not the type for marriage for me and that I was not ready either, and waited till he proposed to me (I had felt that he would do that soon, although he didn’t know that I had suspected) and of coarse I rejected and he was shocked and angry and told me it was all my fault. From that time on all my guilty feelings begin to start. I felt that I was responsible for all the happenings, that I have made a big sin by not refusing his love and by going out with a boy, and that I had made a sin because I when I suspected that he loves me, I should have said no to him instead of me saying yes. And I starting punishing myself, I became depressed and couldn’t concentrate and study, I had very bad headaches and anxiety and I felt I had done bad to him. I also stopped talking with him, and I decided to act in such a way to make him forget me, (because he was still in love with me) and I started to be very cruel to him and all the time avoiding him.
After 10 years I still could not solve my problems, I still feel sinful and I feel that I have hurt someones feelings and that I have hurt somebody in an emotional way, which will influence his future and if he makes sins because of this emotional hurt it is my fault nd its because of my carelessness.. My mind can not just let go, I feel responsible for damaging someones emotional feeling. I feel that since he was very much in love with me because I also showed to him that I am in love with him both consiously and unconsiously, my sudden rejection and cut of relationship on my side, I have damaged him.
Now I am married to a good man that happens to be his friend, and whenever we meet, I feel that I make him unhappy, and I also feel that he even maybe he has cursed me and that since I have made someone unhappy, God will punish me in the next world (that’s why I was punishing myself to make my sins less for the next world) and life will take revenge and make me unhappy too. I also sometimes hear some comments from him e.g like he hates to marry or similar things(he says it out loud to make me hear). He is not married yet and he has girlfriends. (sometimes I even think that it if he makes an unsuccessful marriage it will be my fault and that now that he is having girlfriends and making sins it is my fault).
After your last comments I do feel much better, but I wanted to write in detail, because I really don’t know that are my feelings justifiable? Have I done a big sin? Have I made a sin by marrying his friend? I know that for sins, you have to do towbeh and also if you have hurted someone in any means, you have to make it up and ask for forgiveness In my case how is this possible? How can I make it up for him? Do I have to ask for forgiveness? How can I purify myself and stop thinking about all this?
May God bless you and I hope God will give you lots of rewards. Thank you very much for your time
Answer
Dear Daughter:
I think that your greatest problem is that you are too sensitive and harsh on yourself. You seemed to speak like a Catholic punishing your self for real or imagined sins. You must remember that you rejected his proposal for marriage because you felt that he was not the right person for you and may be you felt guilty about your boyfriend/girlfriend relationship you had with him. Your first response of refusing him because you realized he was not suitable for you is definitely not a sin and I would guess that you were quite right about it. A good Muslim man would understand this kind of rejection and would immediately stay away from the girl. He would not continue to blame and hang around until the lady speaks harshly to him. Moreover, this young man to stay ten years going around with other females is a clear indication that Allah had saved you from such a relationship. For most people in this world being refused in such relationships would not disorient them in this manner nor would it cause them to brood over the incident for so long. Those who do are either emotionally disturbed or they have consciously or unconsciously taken this incident to justify their refusal to have another relationship. So, my dear daughter, your soul belongs to Allah and not to you and you have no the right to punish your self for imagined faults that are not really faults in Islam.
During the time of the Prophet (pbuh) a female companion married a young man and accepted a garden from him as dower. Later she realized that he was too short and ugly to satisfy her desire as a woman. She informed the Prophet (pbuh) about her feelings and asked him to intervene in divorcing her from this man. The prophet (pbuh) did not tell her that she was going to ruin his life or cause him irreparable psychological damage. He simply asked her whether she was ready to give him back his garden to which she answered with an immediate and positive response. The Prophet(pbuh) then asked the man to take back his garden and divorce her.
So my dear daughter, all your thoughts about causing problems to this man are out of extreme sensitivity, self punishment, and the Wasswus(whisperings) of Satan. Furthermore, if you felt at the time that continuing a loving relationship with him is sinful and you stopped it, then indeed you should be expecting a reward from Allah for such a decision. This should please instead of putting unnecessary guilt over your shoulders.
Name
sister in Islam
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Profession
Question
I got someone to propose to me on the interent and he says he is serious. My parents are not linking the idea, but i really feel the man is serious and he does not mind that we can ask about him. I confess that I really got to love him. Please tell me if I am doing right or not
Answer
Please refer to last week’s session with Dr. Malik Badri where there is a question which is very similar to yours.
Name
female (too shy to mention my name)
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Profession
Question
I love my husband very much and but he likes me to say sexual words to him at the time of sex but i am too shy to so, how can I please my husband
Answer
Dear sister:
It is interesting that many women would not feel shy to expose all of their bodies to their husbands during sexual intercourse but feel shy to undress when changing their cloths in front of them in the absence of sexual stimulation. Some of these behaviors are related to earlier life experiences.
Women can make their husbands sexually happier if they cooperate in satisfying their idiosyncratic sexual fantasies. The only two things prohibited by Islam is anal sex and penetrative vaginal sex during the monthly menstruation of the wife. All other practices, which satisfy the husband or the wife, are permissible. In many cultures, women are trained by their elders to respond with verbal sounds and words to please their husbands during sex. If you feel that some of these sounds and words embarrass you, try to train yourself to repeat them again and again during the day until you can utter them without so much embarrassment. It is possible that some of these words were taboo words which we were rebuked when we uttered them as children and these feelings become fixated with us. You can start by uttering the least embarrassing response and gradually please your husband with more anxiety provoking words.
Name
Mohd Izwan
- Malaysia
Profession
Student
Question
i'm 23 years old, in my teen years i had miss some of my solat. on and off. the question is:-
1. do i need to qado' it everytime i finished solat fardhu and no need to perform the sunnah pray.
or
2. can i just taubat and no need to qado'?
Answer
Please submit your questions in our next live fatwa session on Sunday June 9. Today’s forum was strictly for counseling issues.
Name
JODIE
- Australia
Profession
elderly worker/home care
Question
i am aboriginal , have been muslim for 2 month's now . My life is somewhat , i have no exsisting family member's left , except a step father , whom does not like my converting to Islam . But on my way , i have been in contact with a muslim man , whom has helped me with advise in my life . But we started sharing thing's , although i have never meet him , i have , conversated with him on many occassion's , during this he put a question to me , if i'd marry him . I acknowledge he is already married , deeply religious , not a fanatic , and has children . I had no problem with being a second wife , although i have taken it in i would have to share , it's only fare i acknowledge this , but he has spoken of not telling his first wife , until married and return to tell her & his children , and that by this time his family might reject him . i cannot stand this , as i know he is a wonderful man , i would like to marry , being lonely and alone has brought me to this situation , but i cannot take him away from his already exsisting family , i cannot tear them apart , but he has said he'd be with me more , as i have shown i am a commitable person , and all i wish is a honest and 1 whom , will love me as i do them .how can i find a husband with value's of islam as i wish to have myself and be taught
what can i do ????
Answer
Dear Sis Jodi:
Due to a lack of time, we were not able to answer your question. Please resubmit your question early in Dr. Badri's next session on Friday June 14 at 13:30 GMT and/or submit it to our Cyber Counseling service and wait for the reply.
