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Name
selma
-
Profession
Question
Salam Dr.Aneesah
What a person can do when she is in deep love with a Muslim man who is already married and intend to have her as a second wife? What will be the problems she'll face towards his family? And if she is too old for that man, is it allowed in Islam or must be forgotten?
Your wise opinion will take comfort since love grows more and more each day. Thank you very much in advance for your reply.
Answer
Dear Selma,
A Muslim man is permitted according to Islam to marry up to four women though the Qur'an says one is best. Allah says: "Ye will not be able to deal equally between (your) wives, however much ye wish." (An-Nisaa’ 4:129)
They can marry Muslim women and chaste women from the people of the book. In some countries and societies it is more socially acceptable and permissible than others. In the United States it is against the law.
The problems you will face in marriage to a husband who has another wife depend on how you and he and his family agree to work together as a family. The Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) provides the best example for married life to one wife at a time and to more than one wife at a time.
Your challenges will be similar to other married people except that they will be multiplied and more complex because there is more than one wife, more than one household and more children involved.
Common problems include communication between you and your spouse and your co-wives. Also how the wives share your husband’s time and finances will be challenging.
If he is a mature, honest, open, God fearing and God conscious man, insha'Allah all of you will be able to work it out if this is truly what you want to do.
If being a co-wife and marrying someone who already has a family is not comfortable to you I suggest you not marry him. Marriage between 2 people is challenging enough. It is very much more challenging when your husband has other wives.
Wasalaam,
Name
A
- Bosnia and Herzegovina
Profession
Question
Salaams!
I am writing in hope that you will help me with distinguishing between theory and practice in Islam. As I find myself in a situation to ask so many questions as the family of the man I was supposed to be with - refused the idea and were vehemently against the marriage simply on the basis that I do not belong to his culture and that his parents' dreams showed that he would be unhappy.
I very much respect parents as they are older and naturally have a fear of their son living far away but I simply have a hard time accepting the excuse that this is God's will. Would God will something against what we are instructed to do?
There is no color, race, culture in front of God but our piety and dedication to the sunnah. This is no longer about the choice between me and his parents but between what is right and wrong. Aren't we supposed to stand up for our beliefs and God first and foremost? If someone is judging you without ever meeting you, and that judgment is not based on sunnah or Qur'an, is that not considered haram (forbidden) and against God's will?
I wish for the great ummah of Prophet Mohammad (peace and blessings be upon him) to finally realize that we are one and that all that matters is that we live our lives in accordance with Islam and not what language we speak and what color is our skin.
Answer
Dear A,
Marriage between Muslims of various cultures is permitted in Islam. We saw examples of this in the married life of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) and in the marriages between him and his wives. The best criteria for selection of your mate is piety and good character.
The primary question "Is he or she one that loves and fears Allah?" While this is the sunnah of our Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), the reality is that there is “marital racism” going on amongst the Muslims. Because of this alone many parents reject the person their son or daughter has chosen to marry.
Since family is so important in Islam and provides the support a married couple needs to be successful, it is not advisable to marry into a family in which the parents do not support the marriage. It is much more advisable for parents and young people to work together to find a mate that they both feel comfortable with. And if the young person has chosen someone his or her parents do not feel comfortable with for whatever reason including culture or race it is advisable to try to gently and patiently change their mind and their heart.
It is not, in my humble opinion, advisable to marry someone whose parents don’t like you and will not support your marriage. Their disapproval will make you and your spouse so unhappy and may lead him to blame you for causing disharmony between him, his parents, and his family.
May Allah bless you to make the best decision and soften the hearts of your fiancé’s parents.
Wasalaam
Name
Mehran
- Bangladesh
Profession
Question
My question to you is kind of long. I will try to make it as short as possible.
I am in love with a man since 7 years, and he loves me. Because I was studying and he had to make a career, we had to wait for these years to initiate a proposal for wedding.
Finally, when his sisters asked my parents for my hand they refused. The reason is that they are uneducated. But he is educated and earns well. However, I tried to convince my parents very much but they didn't agree to it. After much persuasion from him for marriage I decided to run away to my home country and get married. His sisters also agreed to this. They secretly made wedding arrangements and date was also fixed.
Although I agreed for marriage, my heart was still in dilemma whether to cheat my parents or not. However, on the day when I was going to run away, I couldn't do so because I felt very bad about the whole idea of cheating my parents and bringing a shame to them. I told him that I can't go with him. His sisters were very angry with me and he was also very angry that I cheated him. I was helpless.
Few days later, I again tried to talk to him and convince him to wait for few more days and I will again try to convince my parents. But he was very angry with what I did and got married without informing me. I am very hurt now. I feel like committing suicide. I want to marry him at any cost. I know he got married only to revenge me and he is also not happy with this alliance.
My question to you is: If my parents agree and if he has no objection, can I marry him and be his second wife? I don't want to marry anyone except him. I am even ready to wait for how much ever time he wants but I want to marry only him. Please help me!
Answer
Dear Mehran,
I am saddened by your situation. I can tell how much this man means to you and how depressed you are that you are in this circumstance. First you must take care of yourself. The idea of taking your life means you have lost all hope and as Muslims we must always have hope in Allah, the Merciful, and never despair the hope of Allah. Prayer, good nutrition, good sleep, and exercise can help. You may also need to visit a professional counselor or therapist to help you through this very sad time in your life.
I would advise you before making any more hasty moves to call on Allah, to pray to Allah for His guidance. This situation has occurred for a reason and only Allah can help you to know and understand why. If He wanted you to marry this man nothing could have prevented it.
Allah prevented you from leaving. He placed something in your heart that made you feel concerned and that it was wrong to marry someone your parents disapproved of without telling them.
I would advise you to be patient now. I am concerned that his family wanted you to marry him without your parents consent and they were not willing to be patient and help you to persuade and soften their hearts by showing kindness and generosity to them. And then he so quickly married someone else. In my opinion if he really loved you and cared for you he would not have tried to make you go against your parents wishes and he would not have married someone else.
I would advise you spend time developing your relationship with Allah and your parents and serving your community. Pray to Allah to guide you to the person who will love you and your parents and not ask you to do things that they would not approve of. Pray that your parents will come to know and love the man Allah brings to you and is best for you.
Wasalaam
Name
Arjun
- India
Profession
Question
My girlfriend does not want to get married to me because her family protests as I am a Hindu. Therefore I want to convert to Islam. What is the procedure for converting?. Will I have to change my name after I convert? And will I have to inform my parents about my conversion to Islam?
Answer
Editor:
We would like to apologize for not answering your question as this live dialogue is not dedicated to these types of questions. Please re-submit your question on the following page:
Thank you for guiding us all towards the right path of Islam with your wise advice. My problem is: I am 24 years old and in love with a man who is of good character and religious alhamdulillah. He is my aunt's relative and we had seen each other when we visited our aunt's place. He also wanted to marry me and so he sent a proposal to my house. My parents refused; the only reason being his family members are illiterate except for him. After much persuasion, also, they did not agree and he got married under family pressures. My question to you is that because I still want to marry that man, can I send a proposal for second marriage to him? And if he accepts, can I get married to him, taking my wali to be my 19 years old brother because my father would not agree to this marriage. Please advise!
Answer
Wa `alaikum assalam dear Syeda,
I would not advise you marry him as a second wife under these circumstances. If Allah wanted you to marry this man nothing could have prevented it. Marriage between 2 people who really love and care for each other is challenging enough, but marriage to someone who was not strong and firm enough in his commitment to Allah and you, to wait until your parents' heart was softened, suggests he was not the right person to marry.
Marriage to someone who is already married is often very difficult. I can tell you really cared for him but Allah did not intend this for you and you will not have the kind of marriage you wanted if you marry as a second wife under these circumstances.
I suggest you be patient, develop your relationship with Allah and your parents and serve your community. There are so many needs to address in our communities. Be patient and ask Almighty Allah to help you recognize the person that is truly right for you, that fears Allah, and loves you and your parents. And ask Allah to bless your parents to accept and love the man Allah sends for you and not put up obstacles if he is truly a God-fearing, kind, and righteous person.
Wasalaam
Name
Amna
-
Profession
Question
Assalamu `alaikum,
I am a Pakistani engaged to a Saudi man. We have been engaged for 3 years. Since it has been 3 years; my parents are eager that at least we do a marriage contract. However, his parents are refusing and waiting for their government approval saying till the government does not approve we cannot do anything. In Saudi Arabia in order to get married to a foreigner you need to get the government's permission.
My parents now want to end this engagement because my in-laws are very stubborn regarding the permission. My fiancé is now threatened
that I will leave him and has started blackmailing me for things we did in private. He says if I leave him he will expose me and will take revenge.
Sister, should I stress my parents to continue with the engagement just because I am scared of him exposing me? I was forced into this relationship not by my parents but by my fiancé. I was threatened by him that if I don't marry him he will commit suicide. After we got engaged he tried to get physical with me and also took my pictures. Now he is blackmailing me with those pictures saying if I leave him he will show it to the world.
I am in a big mess sister. I never wanted to be with this guy but because of his emotional blackmails like committing suicide I agreed to get married to him. Sister, why did Allah bring such a guy into my life? I am so confused. I accepted him only for the sake of Allah that if he does something with his life Allah will punish me. He knew that it will take some time to get married because of permission and he knew that since he forced me into this relationship I will one day leave him. So, he got me involved in physical acts by emotionally blackmailing me even though I was not happy. Sister is it wise to end such relationship or should I continue? Please advise...
Answer
Wa `alaikum assalam dear Amna,
As difficult as it will be I suggest you to tell your parents what happened and that this man blackmailed you. I suggest that with their help you get out of this relationship.
He doesn’t care about you. He has been emotionally abusing you and misusing you. If he loved and cared about you, he would not be threatening you. He would want to protect you from haram (forbidden) deeds. Marrying him will only be worse.
Repent to Allah for your sins and the wrong you committed. Pray to Allah and ask Him to make your life in the future better and ask Him to help you get away from this man.
Take time to improve your relationship with Allah by serving Him through service to the needy people in your community. Ask Allah to forgive you and bless you with a good man, who is kind to you and will not abuse and misuse you.
Wasalaam
Name
Anon
-
Profession
Question
Recently I received a proposal from a brother, I prayed Salatu Al-Istikhara and the answer came as negative but I still said yes. Any way nothing came of this proposal and everything faded away, now I am just left with this terrible feeling that I committed a sin. What can I do repent for this?
Answer
Assalamu `alaikum Anon,
I am confused. I am not sure why you feel you committed a sin. Is it because you said yes even though you believe Allah told you no? Still Allah did not make the marriage happen.
I don’t see the sin. I do believe that it is important to develop your relationship with Allah such that you improve your ability to rely on Him. And when He gives you guidance you adhere to it.
Forgive yourself. Ask Allah to forgive you and help you to be more reliant on Him and thank Him for sparing you from a marriage that apparently was not meant to be and was not best for you.
Wasalaam
Name
Meghan
-
Profession
Food Scientist
Question
Assalamu `alaikum,
I am sincerely and whole heartedly in love with a Pakistani-Canadian guy. His parents are very opposed to him eventually marrying me (a white, Christian). He lives with his parents and is doing additional university via correspondence so he is at home with his family almost 24/7. They are making his life miserable by yelling, screaming, crying etc. and also threatening to disown him. Their reasoning as to why he should not marry me is not legitimate, but it is all about race, profession (i.e. not being a doctor) and has nothing to do with my character, piety etc. In fact they refuse to even meet me.
His siblings threaten him saying that if anything happens to his parents (health-wise), it will be all his fault and they will always blame him. He and I have done LOTS of reading, praying etc. and truly feel that God wants us to be together.
Besides being in love, we have shared values, morals and the same level of commitment to marriage (i.e. divorce is not an option). We have been communicating since the beginning of what our expectations of a marriage would be (i.e. his needing to raise our children Muslim and my fear of being forced to live with in-laws, when they're old, who hate me). He and I are planning to meet with an Imam to see if he can shed some light on any issues we may not have covered and I also wish for us to go through extensive pre-marital counseling.
How can I support him as he continues to work through this with his parents? I would be horrified if this causes a divide in his family because he truly loves his family and I understand the importance of family. I myself would be devastated beyond belief if I faced a problem of this magnitude with my family (thank goodness, my family has reacted in a way to the surprise of an interfaith and interracial relationship in a much more supportive manner).
I want nothing more than for both of our families to share in our joy and sincerely want to develop a relationship with his family.
Please help!!
Thank you very much.
Answer
Peace be with you dear Meghan,
What a difficult way to start off your future life together. May God ease the pain and difficulty for all of you.
It is permissible for Muslim men to marry chaste women from among the People of the Book including the Christians. Also racial and cultural differences are not reasons to prohibit marriage between two people. Piety is the primary criteria for selection of mate. It is also important that they two of you are evenly yoked, compatible and suitable in terms of your lifestyle and beliefs.
It seems you and your fiancé are facing a host of very difficult challenges including “marital racism”, and fear that the challenges of a biracial, interfaith, intercultural marriage will cause so many challenges that his parents do not even want to entertain the thought of it.
It seems that as much as you love each other, the challenge of marriage when both sides of the family don’t support it suggests that perhaps this marriage is not meant to be. I do not support marriage when the parents are so fervently against it. It inevitably pulls the family apart at a time when the newlyweds need the most support.
I do support being patient and trying to soften the parents' hearts by showing patience, kindness, generosity and having someone they respect talk with them and try to persuade them. But ultimately if they are absolutely opposed to it, and he loves his family, and you do not want to come between him and his family, your only choice is to pray on it and to recognize that this is not the time for your marriage.
Perhaps in the future or in the hereafter God will bring you together if it is not meant to be in this life.
In the meantime take care of yourself and continue to develop your relationship with God. Thank God that you have loving and understanding parents. Pray for your fiancé and his parents. Stay apart and let the situation ease and heal. Remember if it is meant for you to be together no one or nothing will keep you apart, if this is what Allah intends.
Wasalaam.
Name
Zainab
- United States
Profession
Question
Salam,
I was engaged to a guy but things did not work out and my parents ended the engagement. After the break up we went our separate ways and got married to different people. It was 7 years ago and we never got in touch after the break up.
Suddenly after 7 years I get a call from him and we started talking. He is married with 2 kids but he keeps saying he loves me very much and never loved anyone like me. He is crazy about me and wants to meet me and hold me at least once in his lifetime. I told him I cannot continue our chats anymore because I fear of hurting my husband and Allah. He is hurt and I feel bad of hurting him. I would love to know your feedback.
Thanks
Answer
Dear Zainbab,
Matters of the heart can be confusing but Allah has made it clear when he told us that people who are married to different people are not lawful for each other.
Often times shaytan will tempt us with a long lost love. I would encourage you to end your conversations before you sacrifice your marriage in this life and your ahkirah (hereafter) by going near to what may be a big sin.
They only way the two of you can be married is if you are not married to someone.
But I would wonder how much he truly cares for you if he is putting your relationship with Allah at risk, your chances for heaven at risk, and your relationship with your husband and family in this life at risk.
Someone who truly cares for you would not do this.
Also I wonder what kind of character he has if he is putting his wife and children at risk. An honorable man would not do this.
I would encourage you to muster up the courage to say no to this and go. Ask Allah and your husband to forgive you for entertaining conversations and thoughts with this man and ask Allah to strengthen your marriage and make your life with your husband filled with sakinah tranquility.
Wasalaam
Name
Vick
-
Profession
Question
I am interested in asking a question on the subject of marrying someone that is not approved by one's parents. I am in a serious relationship with a person, non-Muslim woman, who is very interested in getting married to me and raising Muslim children. The person is also interested in learning more about Islam and possibly converting insha'Allah.
However, my parents do not approve of our relationship, mostly due to "cultural" reasons. They are causing a lot of friction with me at home. I love my parents as well as this person. Could you please shed some light on this from Islamic point of view? Am I doing something wrong? And what should I do in order to resolve this issue in a peaceful loving manner?
Thanks and regards,
A Muslim guy in trouble
Answer
Dear Vick,
It is permissible for Muslim men to marry chaste women from among the People of the Book including the Christians. Also racial and cultural differences are not reasons to prohibit marriage between two people. Piety and good character is the primary criteria for selection of mate.
We saw examples in which the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) married women of different cultures. While this is the sunnah of our Prophet (pbuh) the reality is that “marital racism” exists amongst the Muslims. Because of this many parents reject the person their son or daughter has chosen to marry.
It is much more advisable for parents and young people to work together to find a mate that they both feel comfortable with. And if you have chosen someone your parents do not feel comfortable with for whatever reason including culture or race, it is advisable to try to gently and patiently change their mind and their heart. It is not advisable to marry when your parents will not support your marriage.
Be patient. Give your parents time to get used to the idea. Encourage your fiancé to continue with her plans to learn about Islam and to accept it for herself whether or not you will marry. This will make a greater impression on your family that she loves Allah for herself and not just because she wants you. Give your parents time to get to know her as a good, kind, generous Muslim women who loves and fears Allah. Insha'Allah they will come around.
Also ask someone they respect to talk them and see if that family friend or imam can encourage them to see how much you love each other and want to establish a marriage built on strong faith and God consciousness that will get you to heaven. Assure your parents that she wants to be a helpful part of the family.
But be patient and give it the time Allah wants. Pray istakarah prayer and trust in Allah. Remember that if it is meant for you to be together Allah will make it so in His time.
Wasalaam
Name
Aziz
- India
Profession
Working
Question
Assalamu `alaikum,
A former classmate of mine has now accepted Islam (formerly Hindu) and I am willing to marry her. She, also, is very much ready for marriage but hasn't yet openly proclaimed her Shahadah in front of her family.
Her family members being staunch Hindus will disown her the very day she comes out open. What do you think is the best possible way out here?
Answer
Wa alaikum assalam dear Aziz,
May Allah accept this lady as His righteous servant. Insha'Allah she accepted Islam because she loves Allah and not just to marry you. She is about to face many challenges because she has decided on Islam as her religion.
Are you worth it? Will you stand by her? You will be her only family once she tells them she is a Muslim. Will you love her and care for and protect her? You now have a huge amana (trust) for which you will be held accountable.
If she has declared her faith you and your family will have to love her like your own family and treat her with the utmost kindness and respect until her family comes around to her acceptance of Islam and marriage to you.
Her other options is to worship Allah in secret and not marry you.
What a difficult choice to have to make. May Allah guide her and grant her ease.
Wasalaam
Name
Yun
- Malaysia
Profession
Question
Assalamu alaikum,
Jazakum Allahu khayran for having this session for the young Muslims who are waiting to build a good and solid Muslim family.
It seems that currently young Muslims in my country are struggling with the concept of dowry. The bride's family will demand high dowry (or money gift) in accordance to the bride's education level and beauty. What worries me that this trend is so pervasive that most Muslims (even the practicing ones) will scoff on a bride if her dowry is less than, let's say RM5000.
It is said that the money gift is for paying the expenses of walimah (banquet of wedding). However, Muslims have started up against each other to see who has the grandest reception.
Appreciate your insights on the phenomena and how should we (the young Muslims) deal with this cultural expectation. May Allah bless you.
Answer
Wa `alaikum assalam dear Yun,
I understand that this trend is taking place among Muslims around the world, not just in Malaysia.
We know that there is no marriage in Islam without the offer and acceptance of a marriage gift (also so called the dowry) to the bride. We know that the purpose of this is for the groom/man to demonstrate is willingness and ability to care for his new wife. It also provides her with some wealth of her own. When a woman marries her circumstance should improve and definitely not decrease or worsen.
In the time of the Prophet Mohammad (peace and blessings be upon him) no cap was placed on the marriage gift. Even during the time of Calipha Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) when he attempted to place a cap on it he was reminded by one of the women of his community that the Prophet (pbuh) forbade this.
While no cap was placed on the marriage gift the message is that it should be reasonable and similar to other women of her societal level. The marriage gift is not for the purpose of paying for the walimah (wedding banquet). The example of the Prophet (pbuh) shows us that the walima was very modest. This does mean we can not have beautiful walimah’s but it should not be so extremely costly and extravagant that it hinders the couple from getting married.
So the lesson of the life and example of the Prophet (pbuh) is balance and the middle ground or the middle way.
Insha'Allah young people like you will return to the middle way and to the purpose of the marriage gift/dowry such that it is reasonable and that women of a particular social status receive a marriage gift related to her status but not so exorbitant that it makes it impossible for marriage to take place but reasonable for her status in her society. Balance is the key.
Wasalaam
Name
Editor
-
Profession
Question
.
Answer
At the end, we would like to thank Dr. Aneesah Nadir for her presence with IslamOnline readers today. And we appologize for not being able to answer all questions for time constraints.
