My question is about privacy among family members. If a couple stays in a flat within the same yard as the parents, do they have the right to ask about the whereabouts of the couple? If so, how should the couple deal with this? Do the couple have the right to be independent?
Jazakallah
Answer
Salam alaikum, many thanks for your question. Dealing with in-laws can be problematic, but the relation between family members is so important yet so fragile that we must tread carefully. It is not clear in your question if you are talking about the family asking about the whereabouts of the couple, or the wife.
First, it is normal that family members know something about each other's whereabouts. The problem arises when this becomes excessive and intrusive. It is a fine line, but one that must be outlined because everyone needs their privacy. If you are talking about the family of your husband, then you must deal with the situation through him. If the family is being intrusive and even suspicious then you should tell him and explain what is going on. It is then up to him to deal with his family.
On your part, it might be very helpful to calm things down, if you simply let your mother-in-law know your plans for the day. Do so in a calm, friendly way and always let your husband know what you are planning to do, so there are no misunderstandings.
Couples do have the right to be independent and in fact, it is very important for the relationship that they feel free. At the same time, if the couple is living with the in-laws, then a whole new set of rules and expectations emerge. And these cannot be ignored if there is to be peace. If the situation gets out of hand, it might be better that you both look for another place to live where you are not directly in sight of the family. Living close by so you can help each other is a great idea, but sometimes too close can mean problems.
May Almighty Allah alleviate your problems for you and guide you safely.
Name
Ruqayyah
- United Kingdom
Profession
Teacher
Question
Salaam alaikum
I've been married for over a year now, and due to the economic crisis my husband lost his job. We are currently dependent on my teaching salary. I have faith that when things improve in the economy my husband will get a job again. But my husband feels stressed , and got the feeling that he is not a good husband. I don't blame him, but his guilt and frustration is starting to negatively influence our relationship.
I would really appreciate your advice.
Thank you
Answer
Salam alaikum, many thanks for your question. These are certainly difficult times. Society makes definitions of manhood and so on, that we are often forced to live under and these can make a man feel somehow lacking, if he finds himself out of work. There is so much more to being a good man, than just his ability to earn money. The thing is that we have to be flexible in how we approach life.
At the same time, there are always things to be grateful for. Number one, you guys have an income from your teaching. Many families do not have that. If we look for the negatives in life, we will surely find them, and likewise if we look for the positives we will find them too. We are the ones who make the decision, and our outlook affects the way we think, what we say, how we behave, how we react and so on. Our way of thinking affects the course of our life. So it is vital that your husband learns a lesson from all this and sees the joy in life.
It is so easy to get into a state of depression, and climbing out of it can take a long time, and take a great toll on the person and those around him/her. So just don't go down that road! Maintain a positive outlook and look for opportunities to do something that will feed the spirit and the spirits of others. Here are some ideas for your husband: he could do some courses to upgrade his skills. He could start an outreach program to help homeless kids or kids with problems.
He could approach the government and start a project to enhance the opportunities available to Muslims and perhaps to build bridges between the different sections of British society. I firmly believe that if we reach out, step out of our fears, stop hesitating and just try to do something good that our depression and anxiety will fade away; we will feel more purpose in life, and good will flow back to us even more than what we are sending out.
Tell your husband to keep his chin up! Always look for opportunities to give back to the world. Look at this phase of his life as a chance to take a breather and define/redefine himself in a better and more positive way.
By the way, it is also very important that the woman in such a situation is careful not to remind the man who is earning the money. As mentioned earlier, society has taught men that much of their value in life is in their ability to make money, so undermining him in this is comparable to making a woman feel she is not beautiful. It hurts and can cause deep conflict.
I pray that you both sort this out and come out of this stage in your life, closer, wiser and calmer.
Name
Irfan
- Pakistan
Profession
Business
Question
Assalaam alaikum
I want to ask if me and my wife can have a successful marriage, when we are both struggling at the moment? My wife is studying, and it takes up a lot of her time, and most of my time goes in my business. Most days we hardly get to see each other, but I love her so much. I just don't want to spend the rest of our lives this way.
Answer
Salam alaikum, many thanks for your question. The fact that you are asking this question now, shows how much you care. With this amount of thoughtfulness and caring insha Allah, you will succeed.
Many couples are very busy with their lives, but it doesn't necessarily mean they are doomed. The trick is to make time to see each other. Even a short time in a busy day, keeps the flame alive. It is not just a case of not seeing each other; it is each person thinking that the other person does not want to see him/her – that they couldn't be bothered. That's what kills the relationship. There is nothing sweeter than sending her an email or sms telling her that even though you're so busy, you are thinking of her and vice versa. Leave little notes around the house. Bring her home something she likes, and she should do the same for you. So during the day, each of you lives in the other's heart because you remind each other of your love and commitment, so when you do get to see each other, there will be no tension, no blaming and all those negatives.
These days will pass, and if you deal wisely now and treat each other with all the respect, caring and gentleness you can, your relationship could actually end up stronger, not weaker.
I pray you will grow closer, and that your relationship will thrive.
Name
Rayes
- Qatar
Profession
Manager
Question
My wife who recently left to her house with my son on a normal vacation has now sent me an email with the following points saying it to be the reasons for us to get separated, and that there is nothing left in our relationship...before departing my home she has left very normal without giving me or my parents any hint of these problems....
01. First reason she states that the moment she has entered my house she has faced frequent humiliation and taunting due to this she is now suffering from Migraine [ This medical condition was not even least observed during her entire stay in my house]
02. Second reason she states that after delivery, I have not taken proper care about her by not sending her regularly for post pregnancy massages.
03. Third reason she says that never ever have I taken her any where for honeymoon, even though all her maternal uncles have been sent by her grandparents for Honeymoon.
04. Fourth reason she states that during her entire stay in her parents house she used to have two servants, but now in my house there are no servants dedicated to her, and that my mother treats her like a maid [ truth is whatever work she does -it's just for me, and my mother does 4 times the work for my father and other members of my family]
05. Finally she mentions that though she compromised on my baldness and obesity at the start of my marriage now, that I have actually gained 7 kgs, she now hates to see me.
Kindly advice me if the above reasons are valid as per Islamic shariah for her to claim a divorcé. also if they are not valid what is the punishment in the eyes of Almighty Allah for such women, who claim for divorces without proper and valid reasons ..She has my 6 months old son, and while leaving from here did not even give a slight hint of her plans. Even after going to her country, she used to speak to my mom very friendly for about a month, and it was only last week after instigation from her mother that all these things have started .I feel miserable and miss my son a lot.
Answer
Salamo alykoum many thanks for you question ,
The fact that your wife did not indicate any of these problems to you previously is a sign that you both have major communication problems. Perhaps she emailed this information to you because she did not feel it was possible to speak to you directly about her concerns. Ask yourself: If she had said these things to you in person, how would you have reacted? Would you have played down her concerns? Would you have become defensive? Would you have tried to force her to stay? Maybe she was expecting you to react like this, hence, her decision to do this from afar; from safety.
It is vital that you both try to see things from each other's point of view. I suggest that you take her concerns seriously, and not try to undermine each one, point by point. Acknowledge her concerns and email or phone her back from that viewpoint. Tell her something like, "I didn't know you felt like that. If I'd known I would have tried to fix things for you." Make her feel cared for. Don't react to what she says because perhaps there are other issues underneath all these that are very difficult for her to say to you. Maybe if you approach her in this way, you will touch her heart and she will want to make a fresh start with you.
However, at the same time, if she is adamant about wanting to divorce and is willing to return the mahr to you, it would be decent of you to let her go and to do so with kindness as Almighty Allah tells us in the Quran. It is difficult, but in the end, you both want to be happy and if she is not happy with you, then let her go. Make arrangements to see your son and seek happiness elsewhere.
I pray you both find happiness. That you both learn lessons from this situation and become wiser, kinder and more open to life.
Name
Moosa
-
Profession
Question
Assalamu alaikum, Thanks for your help, may Allah reward you.
I recently got married, but I am unable to have intercourse with my wife. what do I do? I am scared. Thanks.
Answer
Salam alaikum, many thanks for your question. This may happen in the beginning of the relationship. It is important that you are not scared. If it will ease your mind, go and see a doctor and have a check up. I am sure he will be able to give you better advice than me!
All the best.
Name
amah
- Germany
Profession
student
Question
Assalamualaikum sister. I am newly married. Me and my husband love each other, but the problem is that we can't seem to stop arguing. We often argue over small, petty things, and I sometimes can't stand his nagging. He is some kind of perfectionist ,who has a certain way of doing everything. Can you please advise me how to cope with this situation? I am learning how to listen and understand him. Apart from that, he's a great and loving husband.
Answer
Salam alaikum, many thanks for your question.
The problem in not in him being a perfectionist, or you getting frustrated – these can be considered normal – the problem is in how you guys choose to deal with it. Being married is all about flexibility; give and take, forgiveness, overlooking, having a sense of humor and good communication. Arguing is not positive communication; it breeds bad feelings, frustration, and even anger.
If he is a perfectionist, it may take some time to work on him and help him make changes that will make life more bearable for you. But this takes time, and to think you will change each other overnight is completely wrong!
First of all you have to accept each other as you are. Then, you have to learn how to talk to each other and express the things that irritate you or make you nervous. After that, be ready to compromise a little, give a little and most of all, try to laugh things off. Don't make petty things into a big issue because these can build up and slowly and very painfully dissolve a once-loving relationship. Don't let that happen.
Remember, he should be your best friend. You should both be able to confide in each other and feel respected and protected. Does he feel that you will blame him? Does he realize how his habits affect you? Are you communicating these things in a positive or a negative way? It's not just what we say, but how we say it that makes or breaks the feelings of love between a couple.
Since he is a great and loving husband apart from this, then I suggest it is worthwhile investing your time, energy and will power into building sturdy bridges between you. You guys have to sit down and talk it out. And do this is a fun, loving atmosphere where you both feel safe and open to talk about just everything.
I pray that he lightens up and that you remain calm and that you both have a happily-ever after!
Name
shereen
- South Africa
Profession
Question
Me and my husband have been married a little more than a year, and generally we are very happy. But he often does things that annoy me and sometimes I get really upset from him. Last week, he took my house key off and went out without telling me. Later I went out thinking I had my key, and got locked out. He thinks I make a big deal out of something small, but such things are driving me crazy. Please help.
Answer
Salam alaikum, many thanks for your question. No one is perfect, that is for sure. And such things just prove that after all we are all human! You have only been married for a relatively short time and are still getting to know each other and discover your life together. It is important that you are both generally happy so that should put these other troubles into context.
It is vital that we treat issues according to their degree of seriousness. Big issues need special treatment, careful thought and perhaps even consultation. Smaller issues, if handled incorrectly, can turn into big issues and we don’t want that.
Sometimes all that is needed is to sit down and have a bit of a talk. Explain what happened and how it made you feel. Simply tell him that you need to be able to rely on him but when he does thoughtless things like that, it shakes your confidence in him. Say all this in an atmosphere of love and be ready to laugh things off if that is suitable.
If he happens to be a little scatter-brained and you have no hope of changing him, and there are so many other wonderful things about him that you just couldn’t imagine life without, then perhaps, you should get into the habit of checking your keys before you go out! Or, make sure he has his keys on a hook beside the door. Little things are just that – little things. Don’t make them into major issues. Try to laugh things off or have a talk and discuss how to avoid this in the future. A friend of mine had a similar problem and kept a spare house key with one of her trusted relatives. You could try that or keep a spare key in your bag all the time.
The important thing is that you both learn to find joy in each day. That you learn to appreciate the good in each other and try to overlook any negatives. Try to forgive and forget just like you would like him to overlook your weaknesses and mistakes.
All the best and enjoy your life together!
Name
Connor
- Australia
Profession
IT
Question
Salam alaikum sister,
I know this is for married people, but I hope you can help me anyway. I want to propose to the woman whom I love. I've been a Muslim for two and a half years now, and I'm not sure if that makes me good enough to pursue marriage. My future wife is very knowledgeable in the faith and successful in her career. While my career is going great, I think my lack of Islamic knowledge could be a barrier. What do you think?
I appreciate your time.
Answer
Salam alaikum, many thanks for your question. She sounds like she is a lucky woman! I pray that you will be happy and successful.
I do not think it matters how long anyone has been a Muslim before they start to think about marriage. After all, regardless of how much we think we know, we really know very little and are continually learning. Humility is the essence of knowledge and insight is its fruit. So, if you have sought Allah's guidance and have a good intention, I say 'go for it'! Hopefully, you will both learn from each other all your life through.
Careers, money, knowledge and all that is really secondary; the most important thing in the relationship is the feeling and commitment the couple has for each other. It is this that will enable them to ride out all the storms and grow stronger because of it, not weaker. If we focus on these other things and fail to nurture each other's spirit and learn how to find joy in life, then nothing we ever have in life will make us happy. Really, true happiness lies in feelings of harmony, peace and the tranquility you find with someone you love.
So try to look for these things in your life partner. Talk a lot so you will know each other before you take the big step. Make sure you are spiritually compatible, that you communicate well, that you both are always respectful even when angry and upset and that you know how to have a sense of humor and start afresh.
All the best..
Name
MA
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
Thanks for being here today to answer my question. I have a big problem. I just returned to my husband. However, we already had one divorce and have one child. A few days ago he got angry with me again and hit me. I was pregnant, but this caused me to lose the baby. I left him and went to my mother’s house. We are both reverts, and I have nowhere else to go. I am trying to find a way to take khul’ because I do not feel safe with him at all. Am I right to leave him? I don’t want to stay with him. I thought he had changed but obviously he hasn’t. What should I do?
Answer
Salam alaikum, many thanks for your question. I am very sorry to hear about your problem. It must be an extremely painful time for you right now. But, I am happy that you have a place to go to while you sort out this problem.
For a number of reasons, unfortunately there is a lot of domestic violence happening and there is absolutely no excuse for it. The home; the family is supposed to be a safe, loving place. It is supposed to be a place where the husband, wife and children can shut the door on the world and all its woes and find a haven awaiting them. This is the goal. This is what we should be striving for.
If you fear cruelty you are entitled to leave the marital home and go to a place of safety. This is obviously not the first time something like this has happened. You mentioned that you and your husband have already been divorced once, so we have to think that there are long-standing problems. The question is, have you both gone through the procedures of fixing these problems? It is really important that you get some arbiters in to help both of you through this. If your husband has an anger problem, there are places he can go to help him with this. But, first he has to realize he has a problem and this is part of the role the arbiters will play.
Victims of domestic violence often feel guilty for what is happening to them and this can lead to a lot of mental and emotional disturbance, which in turn only makes the problems worse. It is vital that you both try your very best to be calm and rational. It is so easy to opt for divorce and sometimes, it seems completely justifiable but I think it is important to remember that people can change and if you both want to make this work, it is well worth the effort.
As you are the victim here, you must ask yourself some serious questions and be honest about the answers. Do you still love your husband? Do you believe that he has an anger problem that could be fixed with correct treatment and therapy? Do you want to try again to make this marriage work? I believe that if you did not care, you would not have written this question today. So think again. Ask Allah to guide you through this. You have to leave some time to let yourself cool down and think properly again. Losing a baby is traumatic. Give yourself time. This will also give your husband time to think about his role in all this and hopefully, he will take responsibility for the part he has played and seek to make amends.
I advise you not to consider returning to him until he has seen people who can determine his psychological state and the kind of treatment he may need. Uncontrolled anger usually stems from issues that have not been dealt with over time. So he needs help. The question is whether you are prepared to stay in the picture until he sorts himself out.
The issue of obtaining khul is difficult. Not only in the UK, but all over the world, it is very difficult for women to get a divorce. The imans and sheikhs around the world must take note of such problems and open their hearts and minds and make it easy for women, who are suffering in many different ways, to free themselves from oppressive men.
May Almighty Allah open the ways that are best for you, and guide you safely.
Name
Mohd Sani
-
Profession
Question
Salaam,
I am a newly married man. what would you advice me concerning my relationship with my wife. Jazakumullah Khair
Answer
Salam alaikum, many thanks for your question. Congratulations on your marriage, and I pray you and your wife will have a loving and successful life together.
The rules we have in Islam provide the framework for marriage, however, if we stop there and neglect the spirit of the law and the spiritual side of life, we will lose its essence. Almighty Allah tells us in the Quran (what means) that He provided marriage for human beings, so that they would find mercy and tranquility.
This is the key! This is the aim of marriage. We have it, but so few people achieve it. Why? Perhaps because they are too busy thinking about their own rights, and how important 'they' are instead of focusing on their partner and giving their love and kindness freely, without thinking of receiving. Possible? Very much so.
Sometimes people are afraid that if they give their love freely, they will be manipulated or hurt. It is important that you know, and understand your partner very well, and if you are sure that he/she is honest, kind and so on, then do not be afraid – give, forgive, and continually reach out.
We human beings are fragile creatures; we are always in need of reassurance. We need to know every day that we are loved, cherished and valued. Men need this too – not just women, and some women forget this and problems ensue.
The center of your life as a couple is your own little world that you have between you; the closeness you feel, the harmony and peace you enjoy.. it is these things that form a strong bond that will see you both through the ups and downs of life. Of course, this is firmly grounded in respect, caring, forgiveness, and seeing your partner as a reflection of yourself; and valuing her/him accordingly.
All the best..
Name
Muslima
-
Profession
Question
I am a single mother, engaged to a man who have children. I have three children and they are adults, but I still in need for financial assistance. I have been a single mother for all their lives and they watched me work hard and sacrifice a lot, so they would not be homeless etc... So, I don't want to just dump them. But my fiancé doesn't think it is fair for me to work, and send them money as my duties are to take care of his home, and his adult children. He was at one time willing me to live in the same home as he and his children, and he has a very good job.
He don't want me to work, although I need it to help my children. He will not allow my children to live with us.
I had a fantasy that we would have a mutual goal of making both of our children strong, but he doesn't see it that way. Now is mad and says that I should pay for my own home because it is not fair for him to have to provide for me if I am going to work.
I also have school loans to pay off. Is there anyway to make it fair? I love this man. I think he means well, he is a baby boomer and in the US for 30 years, and they usually start thinking this way about providing for woman, thinking that it isn't fair to have to have that, and they feel it is a burden.
How do you think we can resolve this ,so that we can have a happy marriage?
Answer
Salam alaikum, many thanks for your question. Many women are facing similar problems. First of all, in Islam, a woman's income is her own and she is not obliged to share it with her husband, let alone his children from a previous marriage, unless she wants to. That said, making a successful marriage means being flexible and giving. However, like you said, you have responsibilities to your own children that you must not ignore.
Money can make so many problems in a potentially happy marriage so please iron out these problems before you sign on the dotted line! The love you feel now can very easily dissolve if you feel resentful, used and frustrated.
I suggest you contact an open minded, knowledgable imam or sheikh in your area and ask for advice on how to safeguard your finances and outline your rights and duties in this situation.
I would like to add, that in my opinion, your responsibility to your children is greater than that to your husband to be. He is financially capable, your children are not. If you leave them without resources when you have the ability to help them, I believe this would only bring about regret.
So before seeing the sheikh, sit with your husband to be and outline – on paper – exactly what you want, where you stand and what you are willing to accept. If he agrees, go ahead, and if he doesn't, thank Allah and move on.
All the best.
Name
nadia
- Netherlands
Profession
Question
salam alaikum,
I have been married for 2 and half years now. But I have been feeling this distance between us, and sometimes I feel as if I am suffocating, like I have sacrificed my freedom to get married.
I have problems with taking him into account in my decisions. He doesn't like me going on a weekend with my sisters of (female) friend. I do obey my husband, because that is what Islam says. But where is this stated, and what can I do against his feeling of being in a cage?
I have a job, and I go out to have a drink with my friends from time to time. Why is he trying to change me? I told him that he should have taken me as I am. But the thing is that before we got married I agreed with this changes. But now I realized that I can't do it.
Am I allowed in Islam to go on a weekend with friends, if I am not doing haram things. He says I am not allowed to travel alone. This is true, but nowadays women can travel safely without a mahrem.
On the rest of the things, he is a beloved husband and he practices Islam and me too.
Answer
Salam alaikum, many thanks for your question. Muslims all over the world practice Islam differently. There are differences between scholars on a number of issues and Muslims tend to choose the opinion that best suits them. The problem arises when a husband enforces his take on things on to his wife.
If you are at odds with your husband on essential Islamic issues, you are treading on dangerous ground. Most times, you will have to go his way, if he is staunch and refuses to change his stance, or it is likely that there will be divorce.
So you will have to discuss this with him and see how far he is willing to go. You will definitely get different answers from different sheikhs that could justify nearly anything. But here we are talking about saving a marriage. So ask yourself: How much do you want this marriage to continue? If you have to give up seeing your friends on the weekend from time to time to stay with your husband, can you do that? Have you explained all this to time? Have you explained it calmly, rationally and in a loving way? Try to touch his heart and make him see how difficult you are finding this and ask him to ease up a bit – as long as you are both within the framework of Islam and it is a big framework – try to negotiate.
All the best.
Name
Sehar-
- Pakistan
Profession
Question
Assalam Alaikum ,
I got married one month ago . My husband and I have two year difference in our age. He is 28 and I m 26.I used to be a school teacher before marriage, but now I' m only a housewife .He works in IT industry and has to work insane hours, and reaches home around 10 pm. I started to get worried, because he hasn't approached me sexually since the beginning of our marriage. I really get upset because of this. I have intense needs, and I want to fulfill them in a halal way.
We talk about everything except this phase of our martial life. He doesn't kiss me or touches me .I have been trying to talk to him since the start of our marriage about this, but afraid from his reaction. Otherwise, he is very nice person. Please help me !
Answer
Salam alaikum, many thanks for your question. This is very important and you have to talk to him about it. He may be going through all kinds of fears and insecurities himself and these problems do not just go away. Please find a suitable time and sit down and talk. Imagine his worst possible reaction and be sure it will not be as bad as ignoring the problem and thinking it will just go away.
All the best.
Name
Emily
- United States
Profession
Question
Many salaams sister. I am newly married, just 3 months, and I'm also a new Muslim. My concern is that I don't know too much about Islam yet and I'm learning along the way. I'm worried that if I don't know much, will affect my marriage.
My husband is good and patient ,and doesn't put any pressure on me. But, I fear that since I am still a new Muslim, and I have not fasted before, I'm terrified about how I will manage. I don't want my husband or his family to think I'm not making an effort.
Thank you for your time.
Answer
Salam alaikum, many thanks for your question. These are challenging days for you but alhumdulillah your husband is patient and doesn't put pressure on you. The most important thing is that whatever you do, you do it for Allah. He is the one you are trying to please – not your husband or his family. If you try to please Allah and do your best, His blessings will pour on you and people will see you with different eyes. It is all based on our sincerity.
Just do as much as you can. Go step by step and keep close to Allah by prayer and remembering Him. Remember that whatever you do in this life with the intention to please Allah, is in fact, an act of worship.
So be kind to your husband, his family and those around you - be a power of good in this sorry old world and this is the essence of Islam because Allah sent the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) to be a mercy to all the worlds. Mercy! The acts of worship we do should generate this feeling within us.
All the best for Ramadan. Take it one day at a time and take extra vitamins!
Name
Fazila
- United States
Profession
Question
Salaam alaikom
My problem is that after we got married my husband seems to have lost the motivation, which he had before getting married. Before we got married he had a zest for life, always impressing me by taking me to interesting places, surprising me with gifts, etc. Now our lives have settled into a dull routine, and I have to wonder has he lost interest in me or has he become lazy?
Answer
Salam alaikum, many thanks for your question. The greatest killer of feeling in a marriage, is boring routine. I suggest that you both share the responsibility for this and are equally, both able to cure it. If he has lost his motivation, then you can do a lot to pep things up.
Why not suggest going to some place or doing something different. Change the routine – and even do something like take your dinner to a park and have a picnic. Talk to him, joke with him and make him feel loved and appreciated.
Unless there are deep underlying problems, he will feel better. The idea is to tap into the level of communication between you that generates loving feelings and vitality for life. It is there – between all of us – but sometimes we just can't find the way to access it. Don't give up. Whatever you had before your marriage, is still there – try to find it again.
All the best..
Name
editor
-
Profession
Answer
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