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Name
anonymous
-
Profession
Question
It has been two years since I started to search for a guy to marry who is religious, and who has the same profession, but I couldn't. Actually I'm upset!
Answer
Assalam alaikum, many thanks for your question.
Finding a suitable life partner is not an easy thing to do. I don’t know that it ever has been! There are certain things we should keep in mind when searching for someone to marry.
First of all, we have to acknowledge that only Almighty Allah knows all things and that we should turn to Him for guidance and trust in Him that He will open the way that is best. Many of life’s mistakes happen when we depend on ourselves, instead of depending on Almighty Allah. Next, we have to be very clear in our mind what kind of person would be suitable. If we follow the advice of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) we will be looking for characteristics of piety. Immediately after the spiritual concerns, comes compatibility.
This is a huge subject and often people define it according to cultural and family norms. It may, however, extend beyond this meaning. The suitable spouse should be compatible with the person he/she will marry. This may or may not include the family. After all, how many of us are very different from our family? This usually applies to things like the status of the wife in the marriage; will she work or study, views on problem solving, decision making, raising children and so on. A person may be compatible without necessarily belonging to the same profession.
If you have been trying to find a suitable person for two years, maybe you should ask yourself if your expectations are reasonable. Ask yourself, what do you need in a marriage person and maybe you find that your criteria will change.
Finally, you should never feel mentally upset over anything in life. This comes back to us trusting in Almighty Allah and being fully aware that He is in control of all things. Sometimes when we accept our Qadr, (destiny) the way opens up unrepentantly.
I pray that Almighty Allah blesses you richly and answers all your duas.
Name
AJ
- United Arab Emirates
Profession
Question
Salams, I want to marry a girl who is not from my people. She is a Muslim, but my family refused and this makes lots of difficulties for me. She is a new Muslim who has no family in our country. If I marry her I will upset my parents so much, but I want to marry her, and she has agreed. What should I do?
Answer
This is a common problem. The main thing is that you approach this problem calmly and logically. It is important that you do not let your emotions control the way you behave or the decisions you make. It is easy for our emotions to overtake us in matters of the heart.
That said, there are a number of things that you should do. First of all, ask your parents why they do not like this girl. They might give you some sound reasons for their disapproval and you should seriously take their opinion into consideration. If, however, they do not like her because of her nationality or because they want you to marry someone you do not like and such reasons, then you should think again.
It is very important that Muslims establish happy stable families and doing so starts from the choice of life partner. I firmly believe that you should choose someone who will help you to be closer to Almighty Allah, someone with whom you will be able to share your life with love and tranquility as Almighty Allah describes in the Quran. The person you choose should love Almighty Allah and be a striving Muslim; someone who can help you raise your children, and to love Almighty Allah and contribute positively to the world.
If you feel that this young woman fits this criteria, you should approach your parents again. Note, it is your parents opinion that counts most; not the whole family. After all you will never be able to please everyone. Ask your parents sincerely and calmly why they do not approve of her, and then present your views on marriage and this young women showing them your maturity, respect and clear headedness.
You can also seek the support of a respected imam or person in your community who knows this young woman and who can help you discuss matters with your parents.
Also, make sure that this young woman is compatible with you. Be sure you are not letting emotions color your perception and most of all, turn to Almighty Allah for guidance and support. Nothing happens without His permission.
May Almighty Allah open the best of ways for you, your family and the young woman you wish to marry.
Name
Jenna
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
Assalam alakom, here in the UK it is difficult to find a good Muslim man to marry. Infact,many of the muslim men here are very strict and the others hardly practice Islam. I feel that I will never find anyone suitable. I am 24, and my family is getting worried.
Please advise
Answer
Assalam alaikum, many thanks for your question.
I agree that there are many ways that Islam is being practiced throughout the world. There are different groups and within those groups there are people who strive to different extents. There are also a range of ethnic groups and a variety of cultures. If we look from the positive point of view, at least we have to say, there is variety!
I believe that before considering marriage, the individual has to be very aware of his or her own self. This means, you have to know what kind of person would be compatible with you. Some people go into marriage with the idea that all that is required is that the person is ‘practicing’ – whatever that means! You have to know very clearly what kind of behavior and practice you expect from your life partner. Don’t settle for less… some people get to the stage where they feel desperate and marry the first one who offers. This is usually a mistake.
The Ummah is in need for happy stable families and this means we have to take the whole subject of marriage seriously and choose carefully.
Perhaps in your culture, it is expected that a girl gets married at a young age. I personally don’t put a certain age to marriage. By no means is 24 old! More emphasis should be placed on maturity and the person’s ability to be responsible, committed and focused. Marriage is a life venture; an investment of your time and energy. You don’t want to waste all that so you have to enter marriage feeling very sure that this is the right decision. Don’t let pressure from people push you to make a decision that you are not 100% happy with.
Remember, that Almighty Allah is the one we should continually turn to for help, insight, guidance and support. Our dua is the way Almighty Allah provided for us to get what we need, so turn to Almighty Allah and ask Him what is in your heart, then examine your own needs, expectations and situation and be proactive. This means get involved in your community, volunteer in some kind of charitable work and be known to the people around you.
I pray that Almighty Allah opens the best of ways for you and makes things easy.
Name
mufakkira
-
Profession
Question
I'm worried because in two months it's my wedding, and I've discovered that my husband is not as religious as everybody thinks. Although he is marrying me because he believes I will be a righteous wife, he has a wandering eye and is likely to be violent. For instance, when we go out together, he can't help but stare and follow with his eyes every beautiful woman that walks. Actually, I'm scared to face him because when he loses his temper he can slap me without realizing it.
I need your guidance!
Answer
Assalam alaikum, many thanks for your question.
Actually, I think it is a blessing that this has happened to you. It is much better to know this man before you commit yourself to him by marrying him, than to find out later that he is not as pious as you thought. You say that you know he is marrying you because he believes you will be a righteous wife, but at the same time he has a wandering eye and is likely to be violent. It is indeed time for you to think seriously about whether or not you wish to go through with this marriage.
The first thing you should do is, next time you are out with him and he stares at another woman bring this to his attention. Tell him that you have seen him do this many times and that you are uncomfortable with his behavior. While you’re at it, be very clear within yourself about the kind of behavior that is unacceptable to you – make a mental list – and then find out whether he demonstrates any of that behavior.
A good Muslim man will never be violent. You should not marry a man who will react by slapping his wife and especially if it is likely that he would do so ‘without realizing it’. Does this mean he has an uncontrollable temper and that he can’t bear to be questioned? None of the behavior you have described seems compatible with a woman who is righteous and defends her husband and respects family etc. You should seriously question whether or not you and this man are compatible.
It may be that if you bring this to his attention and he realizes that if he continues behaving in this way he could lose you, he may mend his ways. If he doesn’t mend his ways, then you should be prepared to move on. Don’t settle for less than what you deserve and every striving Muslim woman deserves to be respected, loved and generally treated well.
Standing up for yourself and having high standards and expectations doesn’t mean you are not pious or humble. On the contrary, Almighty Allah does not like us to oppress ourselves or be untruthful.
I pray you have the courage to bring his behavior to his attention and clearly and calmly state how you feel about it. I also pray that Almighty Allah opens the best way for you and protects you in every way.
Name
safirah
- Singapore
Profession
primary school teacher
Question
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu
I am already in my late 20s. Its really making me very stressful that I am still unable to find a soul mate till now. Sometimes I feel that marriage is a MIRAGE to me. This matter has also caused my relationship with my mom to be strained at times, because she is very worried for me as I am still not married at this age. She will start scolding and blaming my Dad for not being proactive in finding a potential husband for me. I don't blame my Dad, because really, it is hard to find a good single Muslim man here in my country. I feel that it seems that all the good Muslim men are married already and what's left does not fulfill even my basic criteria i.e. a faithful Muslim who doesn't miss his 5 daily salat and fears Almighty Allah in all his actions.
my question is, how can I be more positive, i.e. besides putting trust in Almighty Allah, and not giving up in my search of finding a suitable husband? I am afraid not to get married and being all alone in this life.
Answer
I sympathize with your dilemma. You should find consolation in the fact that there are many Muslim women around the world facing the same challenge. Indeed, there are a shortage of good men, and as the men will say, a shortage of good women!
Don’t be upset with your mother because she is just worried about you as parents inevitably do. I suggest that perhaps you might be more proactive in finding a good husband.
It may be helpful if you get more involved with the Muslim community. Perhaps you could organize lessons and outings for the youth, or do some charitable work. Let people know you, who you are and what you are like. The word will get around and you might find that there are good men who are looking for a good wife but cannot find one!
I firmly believe that we get out of this life what we put into it. If we are merciful, we will find mercy and if we give to others, somewhere along the line, we will also receive.
It is important that you do not lower your standards in terms of expectations regarding you future husband, insha Allah. You are right, he must be observing the five daily prayers and striving to be a better Muslim and closer to Almighty Allah. Commit yourself to this, trust in Almighty Allah, seek for ways to give back to the world and be ready to accept whatever Almighty Allah has in store for you.
Another point I’d like to raise, is the role of polygamy. I know some people dislike this as a modern-day option, but due to the amount of unmarried women and the scarcity of good men, it may well be time to think about this. Polygamy is a whole subject in itself and perhaps one day we can do a live dialogue about it. But for now, think about it and ask yourself what you need in a man and then be prepared to wait till you find it.
May Allah bless you and your family always.
Name
lily17
-
Profession
Question
I'm a 17 year old girl, and i feel that I'm too young to get married, What do you think?
Answer
Assalam alaikum, many thanks for your question.
That is really a good question! The important thing when it comes to marriage, is the person’s level of maturity, rather than just age. Some people might be in their twenties but be emotionally immature or irresponsible. So the question, is the maturity of the person getting married.
Before getting married, it is important that the person, regardless of age, is aware of he or she wants in their spouse. Is able to be committed to a relationship and understands what is expected from him or her.
In days gone by, young people were given a lot more responsibility at an earlier age whereas nowadays, in our entertainment lifestyle, many young people grow up only thinking about themselves, how they look and how many material possessions they have. If the seventeen year old in question, is like that, I don’t think he or she is mature enough to marry.
May Allah bless you.
Name
Zainah
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
Assalam alaikum, one of my colleagues has proposed to me to marry him as his second wife. I admit that I like him very much, and I don't have a problem with polygamy, but my family and community do. What do you suggest I should do? Should I Accept this proposal or reject?
Answer
Assalam alaikum, many thanks for this interesting question.
When it comes to deciding whether or not to accept a marriage proposal, whether it is as a first or second wife, you must be sure that you are aware of your own abilities to cope with a situation and the character and behavior of the future spouse.
It is not surprising that your family and community frown upon polygamy. This is common in many cultures around the world. Perhaps it is because of the negative behavior of some people who have been involved in polygamy or because some Muslims consider it to be out-dated. Regardless of all this, it is you yourself who has to know whether or not you can cope with a polygamous marriage.
First of all, I suggest that you look beyond that fact that you like this man now. Imagine yourself after a year or two and think about the kinds of situations that might happen. Keep in mind the jealousy factor and be honest with yourself. Will you be overly emotional; jealous, or will you be able to remain logical and stick to the rules regarding respecting him and his other family? These are really important things that you should consider now before you face your parents.
Next, you should be 100% sure that he is a righteous man. A lot of men marry more than one wife for reasons other than piety and many abuse the situation and give polygamy a bad name. Is he one of them? Have you observed his behavior with his family; with other people? Is he honest, responsible, calm, and fair with others? These characteristics are very important when it comes to polygamy.
People love each other when they marry and are hopeful about the future – all with good intentions – but when time passes the real behavior and characteristics of the couple are manifest. So it’s better to know now whether he is a suitable candidate for a polygamous marriage.
If you are convinced that he is suitable and your brother and other trusted people have shared their observations of him with you, then it is time to face your parents.
Before doing so, pray two rakats and ask Allah to guide. Of course, before all of this, you have to pray salatul istiqara (prayer for making a decision) to ensure Allah’s blessings on you and him.
You are only obliged to please your parents when it comes to matters like this. Be sure you will never be able to please all your family and community, so stick with your parents and work on convincing them that you know your own mind, that you have checked this man out, that you are aware of what you are getting into and that you are seeking Allah’s guidance. Let them meet him and get to know him. If after every attempt to persuade them and you are aware of the piety of this man, then I suggest you go to your local imam and ask him to represent you in this matter.
I pray that you will be guided in the right and best way.
Name
Ibrahim
- India
Profession
Business
Question
I accepted Islam at the age of 23 and later i got married to my neighbour who was a widow and elder than me by 5 years. She has given 2 children to me. However due to physical reasons doctor asked her to have restricted sexual life. Now my age is 28 and I would like to go for 2nd marraige. My wife has asked me to marry her sister who is only 11 years old and yet to attain her puberty. Is that allowed in Islam?
If I am supposed to give equal treatment to both my wives does that means in terms of physical relationship also I need to follow the same rule?
Answer
I converted into Islam at the age of 23 and later I got married to my neighbor who was a widow and elder than me by 5 years. She has given 2 children to me. However due to physical reasons doctor asked her to have restricted sexual life. Now my age is 28 and I would like to go for 2nd marriage. My wife has asked me to marry her sister who is only 11 years old, and yet to attain her puberty. Is that allowed in Islam?
If I am supposed to give them an equal treatment, does that means in terms of physical relationship also I need to follow the same rule?
Assalam alaikum, many thanks for your question.
You should submit your question to the fatwa section of Islamonline.net.
It is not allowed for a Muslim man to marry two sisters at the same time. Also, the decision to marry a second wife, I believe, should come from you and though you can consult with your present wife, you should marry the second one according to the basis of piety and compatibility. Only you will know the characteristics a woman should have in order to be compatible with you.
I pray that Allah will guide you.
Name
Fadhaiya
-
Profession
Question
Salam, the Muslim community here in South Africa likes to marry within their own ethnic groups. This was all right for the older generation who were more obedient to their parents but nowadays young Muslims expect more freedom when choosing their life partner. Which do you think is better, the traditional way or the modern way?
Answer
Assalam alaikum, many thanks for your question.
There is nothing wrong with intermarriage in Islam. The main thing is that the couple is compatible and that really can only be decided by the couple themselves. The Muslim community worldwide has put many barriers and obstacles in front of itself by imposing unrealistic expectations on its young people. I feel it is unfair for parents to impose these things on their children, especially when nowadays people travel very easily and you can easier find a number of people from a variety of backgrounds living in the same place yet sharing the culture etc of that place. We live in unique times and I believe we should be flexible and open minded regarding all these issues. At the same time we must stay within the framework of Islam but that framework is wide – must wider than some Muslims believe.
So may be staying within the same ethnic group was good for the older generation but these days, things have changed and we have to make decision based on the current reality – not on people’s whims.
All the best.
Name
Reh
-
Profession
Question
I want to marry a girl. She was born in catholic Christian family. She reverted to Islam. She was very religious in the beginning,but now she sometimes misses prayers for silly reasons. I tried advising her, and she use to say that she fear Almighty Allah, but sometime she gets careless. Is this a common problem among reverts at their early stages of Islam? Do you think she can improve? Should I continue, or should I look for more religious girl?
Answer
Assalam alaikum, many thanks for your question.
It is usual for new Muslims and even some born Muslims to neglect Prayer at times, as well as other obligations.
When you marry someone you are committing yourself and I don’t believe it is right to give up so easily. Marriage is about attaining love and tranquility as described by Almighty Allah in the Quran and to achieve this takes a lot of hard work.
If only a short time has passed, you should continue to work on your relationship. Try to get closer to her and communicate well with each other. Ordering someone to do things, like prayer, usually doesn’t work. It is a matter of the heart. So speak to her heart and develop the closeness between you. Remind her of the blessings Allah has given you both, try to soften her heart and invite her to pray with you.
Marriage is a life partnership and a means of beauty, peace and stability. It is well worth working for. I don’t believe it is right to leave a relationship without trying your utmost to make it most.
Allah bless you.
Name
Adnan
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
Salam alikom, I married a woman whom my family chose for me. She is my cousin, and we have been married since about 2 years ago. I did all this to please my family thinking I was doing the right thing. However, both of us are unhappy and want to divorce. If we do this our families will be very upset. What should we do?
Answer
Assalam alaikum, many thanks for your question.
I'm sorry to hear about your problem. Divorce is always a sad thing but it is allowed in Islam because sometimes it is necessary.
It is important that you and your wife go through the steps that lead to divorce. This means that you should get people to come and sit with you and try to solve the problem. There should be someone representing you and someone representing your wife. Try to fix the problem - maybe it can be fixed. So please try to be open minded about that.
If you find that you both did everything you can, but the problem cannot be solved, then you have the right to seek divorce. If this is the case, please remember that Allah likes us to part on terms of kindness and equity. So give each other your rights and be gracious, kind and generous and I pray that Allah opens the way for you both to find happiness.
