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Answer
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Name
Shabana Akbar
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Profession
Question
As salmau alaykum sister Noha Salama,
Does the potential of a person decrease with age?
What if a person has great potential, but they could not achieve it in their youth because they did not know or they did not realize or because they were lacking the necessary environment and circumstances. Can they still achieve that level of their potential later in life?
How can a person realize what his / her potentials are and how to pursue them?
Wasalam
Shabana
Answer
Wa `alaykum As-Salam Sahaba
There is always time for change as long as we take time to breathe, and I think sister Shabana that you have the problem that we all face.
We didn't realize our talents when we were younger. That is because of the typs of cricumstances that you mentioned.
My answer to your question is yes, we can achieve that level of our potential just when we decide to do it. Take the decision, Shabana, and start from this moment on.
For your second question, first of all you have to make positive meetings with yourself. Keep asking yourself several questions:
What are my points of weakness
What are my points of strength?
What really bothers me in life?
How can I improve on my strengths and decrease the effect of my weakness.
This is called plan of action.
About the plan of action it is important to know what you want to achieve:
On the social level, with family, friends, parents.
On the technical or professional level: courses that you need to take for instance
On the health level: I want to quit smoking, I want to exercise more regularly
On the spiritual level: my acts of worship, reciting the Qur`an, improving my Salah.
My attitudes, moral condition: choose one weak attitude and put a plan of action to improve it.
One key point in this is to ask people around you what they think of you. This is called 360 feedback in companies. Choose ten of your friends, family and workmates, even supervisors and ask them questions that have prepared previously and let them fill the answers on paper. And please don't choose only the close ones.
This needs courage and you can do it!
Name
Ellie
- Egypt
Profession
Question
How can human development affect emotions. For example with the in-laws who happened to be bad...
Answer
First of all, human development mostly deals with emotions, tells you that you have to act by will, not to be only reactive to others' attitudes. It tells you how to choose the right emotion with the right person in the right situation and time with the right amount. Let me give you an example.
Sometimes you have to be angry. But let this anger be under your control and not control you. Choose it with the right amount, with the right person in the right time.
This is how human development wants you to deal with your emotions, and still we have to know as I said before the weak points and the positive points in your emotions to take actions for change.
About your in-laws, you need to have good communication. The key to that is making them feel that they are important to you. There are fourteen needs for any human being. On top of the list is their desire and need to feel important.
The second key is to put yourself in their shoes. That means that you have to see things from their viewpoint. Third, share your emotions and feelings with them. And the magical rule is smile and relax. Don't take it hard on yourself.
Name
Sanna
- Algeria
Profession
Question
What do Arab women need to be good leaders, as I think that actually they are not - do they lack the talent or the knowledge?
Answer
As-salamu `alaykum Sanna
This is a good question indeed and a critical one too. We neither lack the talent nor the knowledge. We need the environment to create good Muslim women leaders, then it would be quite easy to develop your talent and increase your knowledge.
There are obstacles known to any Arab woman leader. One of the most apparent ones is the balance that she needs to maintain all her responsibilities; her family, parents, the organization that she is leading. She is required to be perfect in everything. And this is quite impossible. Actually, she needs help not in her leadership, but in creating the appropriate environment surrounding her. She needs to have access to resources to develop herself.
You know what, frankly, she needs somebody to help her at home. This is not a crime. If we believe that she is playing an effective role and the Ummah really needs women leaders to be around, then we have to reconsider our environment.
But let me tell you another thing, we don't lay the blame on others and surrender. We have to make our way through these obstacles. That doesn't mean losing communication with others. On the contrary, if I am a good leader, then I have a good ability to communicate. I'll put my plan of action to achieve this required balance which I also need. It is for myself. I'll be the excellent wife, excellent cook, and obedient daughter, and the successful leader. That doesn't mean that I'll always be perfect.
Falling short of one's duties is characteristic of the life we live. Everybody is falling short at a time. You have to accept that with yourself and others should accept it from you, who themselves are falling short of fulfilling their duties at one time. I'll convince others that I am the model that they are looking for. But if they don't accept it because of the culture on which they were raised, I'll go on with my way, keep on trying with them, and smile!
Name
M
- Egypt
Profession
Question
My husband lost his job and he started staying at home a lot. He does go for salah, but he watches a lot of TV. in between salah, especially sports. Now, here comes another sporting season. He does not go out to look for a job. He says he cannot get paid what he wants and he is not going to work hard for a little bit of money. We have 10 children. It is very hard on me. I can go out to work, but I know if I go out to work, I would probably leave him because I cannot see myself working, and my husband not working.
Answer
First of all, never lose hope. You have to know that he is going through a hard time and he is desperate. Stand by him and have patience until you get past this difficulty.
Search for a friend that he trusts and ask him to stand by him too. And you know what, keep an open conversation with him. Don't keep blaming him. You need to motivate him and help him get closer to Allah. That's why you need to know more about the art of motivation and that's what human development can give you. I know it is difficult now to attend lectures, so let it be through the Net. Always give him hope that this situation will not last forever and that our Islamic teachings always tell us to work hard and not wait for the result.
Get a piece of paper, sit with him and write down practical steps to reach a good job. Keep in mind that this is what we have to do and ask Allah Almighty for His assistance.
There is someone I know who had lots of "falls", but who finally made it. I asked him for a word to tell the youth or others who are having a hard time. He told me:
"To deal with any problem as temporary situation and make a fresh start."
Tell him that somebody called Noha is telling you this message and make it fun.
Name
Amina
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Profession
Question
Dear sister, as-salamu 'alaykum,
Thank you for this interesting topic. I just read your answer to another sister that there are 14 basic needs humans have. Can you say what these are and/or point me to a good source of reference where I can read about it.
Thanks a lot...
Answer
As-salamu `alaykum
The fourteen basic needs encompass many things, like a person's need to feel superior in something, to feel important for others and to have any kind of power. He needs freedom, good financial status, happiness, shelter, love, and so on. There is no definite arrangement for them except for the first two needs:
The first is the need for some kind of power at least over one's own life
The second is a person's need to feel important and superior.
And that's why human development is saying that if you give a person these two, then you are leading a perfect communication with him.
I personally heard on a cassette tape about communication skills from James Flit, one of America's most famous trainers. I don't know of a specific reference dealing with this point alone. You would have to browse through the Net. For a start you can read about communication skills and you'll find many books on the Net about the subject.
I have been a Muslim now for 7 years. I have a husband and 3 children and we are very happy.
There is quite a large Islamic population in my town, but I find them very hypocritical. They appear Muslim on the outside, but do not behave as I feel an Ummah should. For example, they do not help people in trouble, they shun them etc. I just keep away from them, but I would like to feel more like part of a community, especially during Ramadhan and Eid. I cannot even bear going for the `Eid prayer (although I do) as the women chatter throughout the Khutba and dress-up only for show. Even their insincere greetings grate on my nerves. Should I try to join in more or I am I right to stay away from people whom I feel are a bad influence on me and my children?
Answer
This is a decision that you have to make, Christina. Refer to the things we've said about communication. But still, if you see that they have a really bad influence on you and your children, keep a limit with them and start searching for the people that you need around. You are not the only person facing this problem. But our faith and belief in our religion will help us stand many things. You can resort to the counseling page to provide more counsel for you.
Name
Amena
- Canada
Profession
Question
Is there any opposition between Islam and human development as a science?
Answer
This is a great question Amina, and the answer is of course not. Human development is just a term which describes how to deal with your mind, emotions and skills. It is just one of the tools that can be used to apply our Islamic teachings in dealing with; mind, emotions and skills.
Lectures in mosques may get some people closer to Allah and human development can help in the process, but it is not a substitute.
Refer to the book Hayat As-Sahabah for instance and read how Prophet Muhammed (peace be upon him) was perfect in communicating with others, how he used his tone of voice, physical contact, gestures, and eye contact in conveying his message and so did his followers. Human development teaches us how to improve our body language and our nonverbal expressions.
A person who gets bad marks at the exams will just accept it as fate and get frustrated. But Islam needs you to be more positive and see this situation as a grace from Allah and that it would be best. Human development helps this person to turn it into a success by programming his unconscious mind to believe so and start practical steps in life using his or her emotions and skills.
This raises another question about human development as a science which came from the west. Should this make us suspicious about it because it was developed in the west? We don't idolize terms. We take what goes with our Islamic teachings and throw aside the parts that contradict with Islam.
We are trying in Bedaya Team for Human Development to standardize this science and to have our unique approach in dealing with it. And I think that this is something that should be done by every person in the field. Do not reject the science, just deal with it especially that the actual source is our heritage.
An example I want to give you is about the difference in how we view the self. In the west, human development inflates the self and makes it the focus of life and so they forget their relationship with God. We also have an extreme with some people who oppress the self and disregard it completely. Our view is to make a balance between the two. I hope this clarifies it for you.
Name
Mu'mina Lady
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Profession
Business
Question
Salamu 'alaykum,
Thanks for giving me the chance to ask my qstn.
I do not believe in myself. I was very successful during my school years, but after I graduated I got a job with a close relative and he never trained me properly, and always gave me easy jobs that had nothing to do with my university major. That has made me lose confidence, and made me feel like a loser. I still work with him, but I can't see myself getting better at what I do, and I don't have any confidence to go looking elsewhere.
I have become an ugly person and I actually sit alone at work and don't really socialise with anyone. I dont ask anyone for help anymore, b/c I believe they don't want to help me anymore. I am a hopeless case.
Can you reccomend any books or anything that can help someone in this situation?
Answer
Wa `alaykum as-salam
When we program our unconscious mind to believe that we are nothing, you know what, it will send signals to every part of your body telling it "I am nothing, I am a loser." But this unconscious mind is a double edged weapon. I could use it to take the decision to be something to tell myself "O, no I'm not a loser. I can do it" and seek assistance from Allah. Don't have negative conversation with yourself. You are the only person actually who sees herself as so bad, people around you probably don't think the same of you.
Simply you have a problem in coping with your job and you try to see it in a simple way. The answer to that is to seek another job. If this job doesn't suit you or your talents, you have more ambitious and this is needed. How can you turn it into a bad thing? And who said that you are bad because this person didn't train you properly? Why are you waiting for him to train you?
Start your plan of action, take the lead, and write down practical steps. For sure, you have learnt from this experience. Thomas Eddison (the person credited for inventing the light bulb)made 999 attempts before his experiment worked. And he said these were 999 successful attempts not failures.
All what you've said about yourself is a result of the way you see yourself. See the yourself through more optimistic glasses and choose to change. This is a decision that you take from the inside. And this is how human development tells you that inside is the moving force of the outside.
"Change imposed is change opposed."
So stand up and make the decision to start right now. It is not a decision to quit your job. It is a decision to see yourself more positively and start a plan of action. I look forward to hearing about your success...
Name
hoda
- Bangladesh
Profession
Question
HOW CAN I OVERCOME MY THOUGHTS OF LOWW SELF ESTEEM MY HUSBAND WHO PROPABLY CAED IT , NOW NOTICES IT AND SAY COMMENTS AND MOCKS ME
Answer
As-salamu `alaykum Huda
I'm sorry to tell you that if someone mocks you and you are affected by it, it is because you think the same about yourself.
Block these negative attitudes towards yourself, block it from the inside and try to open a discussion with your husband to tell him what's really bothering you. This requires to have a basis of good communication with your husband. Do not fight over it and choose the right time for this discussion.
Be intelligent in giving your love and care. You could lead by love. First of all you have to make the decision that too see yourself as okay and that you can lead this relationship. Your feelings of low self esteem are preventing you from dealing positively with the problem.
Please read the previous question to help you more with being positive about yourself and setting a plan of action.
Name
Host
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Profession
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Question
Finally, we would like to thank Noha Salama for taking the time to answer the questions of Islamonline viewers today, and we also thank all those who participated in this dialogue. We apologize for not being able to accommodate all the questions within the time allocated to this session. Look out for upcoming sessions…
