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Name
Troubled
- Pakistan
Profession
Housewife
Question
As-salamu 'alykum dear brother..
A very close relative of my husband is getting married, and as is the custom in Pakistan, they are holding a musical evening tonight (which will be mixed). It will be at their home. I do not listen to music, alhamdulillah and have been refusing to go but this is causing problems in my marriage, with my husband and in laws all angry at me. My husband thinks I am doing something wrong because I will hurt their feelings by staying away, and my mother in law says I can just come, show my face and then go into another room where I will not hear the music. This is causing a lot of stress for me, because I don't want to go - I fear Allah but the pressure from my husband and in laws is too much, and I spend most of my day worrying and crying, not knowing what to do. I am also pregnant (alhamdulillah) and fear that all the crying will harm my baby but I am so stressed out. I just dont want to anger Allah, but my husbands total lack of support in this matter is alienating me. Please advise on what I should do.
Jazak Allaah..
Answer
Dear daughter,
This question is to be directed to the section of fatwa in Islamonline.net, but with the little knowledge that I have, I believe that singing and music in marriage ceremonies is allowed.
And also my little knowledge in this area, I feel that in such matters as listening to music on such occasions in which different scholars disagree, compared to the anger of the husband and the hard feelings of the relatives of your husband, I believe that one should use the rule of usul al fiqh of Akhaffa Adararain (The lesser of two evils). You can weigh between wearing hijab and Islamic dress and avoid mixing with males in the party with the angry of feeling of your husband and his relatives. I believe the former is less of an evil than the latter. However, this you should ask a proper Muslim scholar.
Name
A
-
Profession
Question
As-salamu 'alaykum,
I am facing a great problem nowadays. I am working all day and when I come home it is very difficult to manage time between my children and my husband. The problem is that I feel very guilty towards my family because I want to do my work efficiently and with high perfection.
Please tell me what to do?
Answer
As-salmu 'alaykum
It’s not possible for me to tell you what to do without knowing your actual need to continue working for these long hours. There are many studies, even in the western world that clearly show that if parents neglect to give their children the time they need in terms of love guidance and discipline, and leave them with baby sitters and spend long hours watching TV, that this would eventually lead them to grow up as delinquent and undisciplined adults who lack identification with a good example.
If you can get less money, by taking a less demanding job, it might be better for you, your children and your spouse. But if taking this job is a financial necessity, then you should arrange with your spouse to compensate the children and use your weekends and spare time to make up for what they have lost. Also if you are living in a country where your father or mother in law, or your own fathers and mothers are around, then you should make a point of asking the elderly people to live with you or to take the kids to them more often.
Name
aa
-
Profession
Question
As-salamu 'alaykum Dr. Badri.
I've been looking around for quite some time for a scholar like yourself; I am very happy indeed that you'd conduct live counselling sessions now.
A little background: I am a 24-yr old female genuinely in love, for the past 5 years, with a class-fellow of mine, who because of whatever domestic conditions, believed himself to be a homosexual. Now Ma'ashAllah, he has realized what the truth is. Though he tries to stick to the straight path, I know he wavers often. I want him to turn straight very badly, b/c I know that is the only way out for him. I often advise him to get married as soon as possible with a pious girl. (And believe me, I do that out of sincerity. Though he knows I love him a lot, he would not marry me: he has said so, and has not explained himself. As I understood him once, he doesn't want to 'ruin' my life; he is a nice person otherwise. And I also think I am not good enough for him intellectually or physically. So it is not for myself that I want him to get married, but for his own sake). Now:
-Can you please tell me if you've come across any such person who was a homosexual, and later turned straight?
-Is marriage of any benefit in this case? and if he does get get married, what problems might be expected, and how to deal with them?
-Can you suggest anything that is within Shariah and within my hands that I can do to help him?
-Can you please suggest any tips for him? Like how should he help himself? I've read and referred him to all the tips in this site and in others.
-Is psychotherapy of help? The famous psychologists that we have contacted in our city believe this is "just another way of life" (surprisingly they are Muslims!). Is there any psychologist in Pakistan (Karachi) who could be contacted? or, are there any Islamic cousellors/islamic marriage counsellers here that you know of?
Honestly Dr.Badri, I've exhausted myself thinking on how to help him and if I'm giving him the correct advice. Please don't disappoint me by not answering.
JazakAllah.
Answer
My dear daughter let me start with the last part of your questions,
I would like to assure you that homosexuality is not destiny. It is a sexual habit that a person develops after being stimulated sexually, in this perverted way. Many gay groups in the west are pressing to convince people that homosexuality is an inherited genetic predisposition. This is totally untrue. There is no scientific evidence to support this up to now. Whenever they cook a study to prove their point other scientists examine their experiments to prove that their claim is justified.
Homosexuality can be treated if the homosexual is motivated to change and he finds the right kind of behavioral and cognitive therapy. I have personally helped a few homosexual Arabs to become heterosexual orientation and to get married. The fact that it can be treated is one of the evidences that it is not inherited. This is very important since the row created by western gay groups have even influenced homosexually oriented Muslims. It is of interest to note that nobody in the west has claimed that preferring to have sex with children or animals is inherited, though children and animals are clearly more different than adult women in comparison to adult men.
People still abhor sex with children and animals do not go to the court to sue those who has sex with them. Tell your friend that this is an ugly habit and that he can actually get rid of it if he is spiritually and psychologically motivated and if he finds a suitable behavior therapist. Getting married to such a person or not depends on the way he views his homosexual behavior and his genuine wish to change. But if you find that he is unashamed of what he is doing, and views and looks at it as simply a different sexual orientation, then you should advise him and keep away from marrying him.
Name
Adi
- Malaysia
Profession
Govt
Question
Salam Prof,
I have serious marital problem and my intimate relationship with my wife has suffered a lot. She refuses to allow me to have sex with her for the past 6 months. Towards the middle of last year, I was forcing her to have sex with me to please her, but now its totally zero. She rufuses to admit if she has a lover and I do not know how to handle this situation. Should I divorce her? Besides that, we have serious communication problems and she refuses even to speak or engage in normal husband and wife conversations.
Answer
Dear brother,
One cannot give you a detailed answer unless one knows how she was before taking this negative approach, whether for example she was responding sexually in a natural way and reaching her orgasm or whether since you married her, she was not happy with sex and was doing only to please you before you fell out of love.
Saying that you forced her into sex to please her is rather contradictory. One cannot force somebody into a relationship in order to please him or her. It seems to be from what you said that this marriage is really heading to separation. One of the serious issues is that you are beginning to doubt her relationship with another man. This to my mind is enough to make the husband find a way out of such a relationship.
Secondly, if she refuses also to communicate on top her refusal to have sex, then the concept of tranquility in the house and mercy and love which that the Quraan has clearly stated as a gift he has given to mankind in marriage, this is already lacking in your relationship. One of the useful ways of dealing with such a problem as the holy Qur'an has stated, is to seek the advice of a wise elderly and for this person and another elderly related to her to openly discuss your problem. Sometimes a woman may develop negative feelings towards the husband for some reason that she cannot directly say to him, but she can say it to her friend or a loving elderly relative. Your decision should also be influenced by whether you have children or not.
Name
Sobia
-
Profession
Question
Assalamu- 'alaykum.
I am a 17-year-old and I wanted to know if having a relationship with a first cousin is not allowed or not considered as a rightful behavior in Islam. And...even though I live in Saudi Arabia...I have a couple of Muslim friends...who have had girlfriends and also have kissed. Isn't that haram in Islam...until you get married?
Answer
As-salamu 'alaykum ,
Yes daughter, it is haram to have any form of kissing or hugging or other sexual pre-marital relationship. These young men who kiss their girl friends are clearly committing an offense. In an Arab Muslim society, a young man who have pre-marital sexual relations with girls will actually prefer to marry a woman who would not allow a man to touch her before getting married.
Internally and unconsciously he may have no respect for girls who allow him to kiss them and touch them. This same person if he sees a young man kissing his own unmarried sister, he may harm the person physically and some may even commit murder, but selfishly he may allow himself to things that he would not allow his sister to do. So if you wish to be respectfully married in Saudi Arabia and to please Allah, then it is better for you not to imitate what you see in foreign and Arab soap operas and to wait for the right man who deserves your clean body and virginity.
Name
extremely anxious
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
Dear Sir,
I have been married for two years but have unable to consumate my marriage due to fear of the pain. My husband id very patient and has not forced me. He has tried different techniques to no avail, I get very anxious and fearful. I am afraid I will lose him if this continues. What is your advice?
Answer
Dear sister,
Your case is definitely not quiet rare or untypical particularly in our countries where girls are warned and terrified about the first night with their husbands and the pain of penetration. This can be magnified if the woman was sexually abused in some way or the other during her childhood.
However the treatment is quite successful. It depends on two factors, relaxation and stimulation of external sexual contact together with a patient gradual approach from the husband. If the husband is patient enough to assure you that while you are lying together kissing and caressing that he will not engage in real intercourse, you may gradually learn to relax and to enjoy your natural urge for sex.
If your husband and yourself begin to do this practice while you are fully clothed, while your clothed are on and this repeated every night, until you lose your fear of such contact, then you can gradually take off your clothes bit by bit until you are fully enjoying naked body contact.
The actual penetration can also be done gradually or you may need to deflower your virginity by the help of a female doctor. This process can be speeded up if you find a good Muslim therapist and can use systematic desensitization to recondition your fear.
Notice:Dr.Malik is unable to answer the rest of questions due to health problems and he is ready to answer them later through Cyber Counselor page.
