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Name
brother
-
Profession
Question
As salamu 'alaykum.
I am a male in mid twenties, and I get butterflies in my stomach when I imagine what I need to do during the wedding night and subsequent days, behavior etc. with my wife.
I don't understand how people today and in the past know that intercourse produces children, I came to know in my school education, and I was shocked. Still shocked that since parents and no one in family or anyone in general teaches a person ready for marriage about intercourse etc... How do people know that?
Answer
Wa alaykum assalam Brother,
You are right. Very few of us receive education in preparation for married life and fewer receive education about sex and intimacy for a healthy married life.
During the time of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) he openly discussed these questions and concerns with his ummah but because of cultural taboos young people get married without this very important information and instead hold considerable misinformation about the intimate life of married people.
Ruqayyah Maqsood discusses sex and intimacy in her book, The Muslim Marriage Guide. Ahmad Sakr discusses in his book on Matrimonial Life.
I recommend that single people take a marriage preparation and education course before you get engaged. That course should include a discussion about sex and intimacy in marriage. I also suggest that family life education including sex education courses be a required part of the curriculum for private Islamic schools.
I suggest that after taking a course, learning about human anatomy, and reproductive health, the importance of communication between the couple and the emotions that are part of a healthy sexual life that newlyweds take it slow on the wedding night. A wedding night with anxiety and unexpressed expectations with someone you hardly know can be a recipe for disaster. Just take it slow and as you get to know your wife and she gets to know you and you are able to communicate your wants and wishes about your intimate life you will grow more and more to have the love and mercy that Allah expects for us.
Name
tasnim
-
Profession
Question
Salaams Dr. Aaneesah,
In my condition, I do want to get married, but I have difficulty to trust a man when he asks for my hand. How do I overcome that?
Thanks
Answer
Dear Tasnim,
I am not sure what your condition is however it is essential to get know yourself before you consider getting married. You must get to know who you are, your challenges and strengths. You must build your relationship with Allah and get to know what He wants for you in this life and what the goal of marriage is in this life and the next.
It is important to take a marriage preparation and education course that helps you explore what you want in marriage, your expectations, goals and dreams for your future family.
You also want to do your homework and get to know the man you are considering for marriage. Get to know what kind of person he is, his background, what kind of manners he has, what his expectations for marriage are, what his relationship with Allah is and whether or not you are compatible.
I caution against making assumptions about the man that asks for your hand. Find out who he really is. Take your time. Don't rush into marriage. Marriage is for a life time. Pray to Allah for His guidance. If you still don't trust him, trust your feelings. These are often signs from Allah that most of us discount. This usually causes us to marry someone who is not good for us.
May Allah bless you to get to know yourself and the person who will make the best, more suitable husband for you.
Name
Bushra
-
Profession
Question
My question is: can black magic prevent someone from getting married?
Everyone tells me that it has to be the reason that I'm not married because Allah has blessed me with beauty, intelligence, education, great personality, and a great reputation masha'Allah. However I'm 32 years old and still not married. My siblings are also in the same position as I am.
Alhamdulilah, I'm religious and I pray, read Qur'an, and make dua'a. I've tried everything from attending weddings, social events, internet, and four different imams. Sometimes it comes close, but then doesn't work out. Please let me know of any advice you can give me.
Answer
Dear Bushra,
I am not an expert on black magic.
I can tell that Allah chooses the person for us to marry in His time. Whether we marry or don't marry we will be tested. We are tested in our married life and as single people.
Alhamdulilah you pray and read Qur'an.
Perhaps it is time for you to leave the future to Allah. Perhaps you want to consider how you can live your life as a single person in the best service of Allah. How can you contribute the best to your family, your community, your neighbors, the needy, and to the larger society? What talents has Allah given you that you can use to help others and the society?
Use this time to get to know the real you. Use this time to truly develop your relationship with Allah. If Allah desires for you to marry He will send the best person for you. The one that will help to provide sakinah/tranquility, love and mercy in your life.
Allah grants us what is best for us in His time.
We have to do our part to do all we can do to worship Him and be the best of His servants. Insha'Allah if it is meant to be in this life He will send us the person who will help us to serve Him best. In the meantime do all you can to be the best most righteous servant of Allah. Pray that you will recognize your husband when Allah sends him to you.
Name
Yakubu
- Nigeria
Profession
Internee pharmacist
Question
As salamu 'alaykum Dr. Aneesah,
I am impressed with what you are doing. May Almighty Allah accept it as an act of iba'da.
I'll be thirty by November and insha'Allah I've been a Muslim all my life but became devoted since '05/'06 by the grace of Allah.
I really don't know if you do match-making. I've been craving for a white Muslim sister (a devout) as a wife insha'Allah. As a Muslim I am not a desperate but I go for what I want then commit it to du'aa. Lest I forget she should be a Sunni with a sound aqida and should posses good looking too.
Answer
Editor:
Wa alaikom assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu.
We would like to apologize for not answering your question as this page is not dedicated to these types of questions.
It would help me to know the kinds of emotional changes your spouse is experiencing.
I think one important thing to know is that your spouse is responsible for his own emotions. You are not responsible for his emotions. Each of us has to take responsibility for how we feel, what we think, what we do and what we say.
The marital relationship is a very intimate one. We are so close to our spouse on a regular basis that we do may sometime affect them but ultimately each of us is the owner of our own feeling and emotions.
If your spouse is feeling sad and depressed he may need to seek some counseling (spiritual and professional) to help him with the overwhelming sadness and depression.
If he gets moody and angry he also needs to seek help, counseling and guidance to learn what is causing the angry and how to reduce and manage his anger.
If he has emotional outbursts that make you afraid for your safety, that cause him to hit you or break things in the home you want to get help. This is a sign that you are experiencing domestic abuse. You want to develop a safety plan and identify some place you can go when he is like this. If he doesn't get help to address the behavior that results from anger it may not be safe for you and if you have children to stay with him.
Talk with your parents, your imam, or a community leader that you trust and that understands that living with someone who is experiencing uncontrollable anger in not safe. Insha'Allah that will be able to help you find safety and encourage him to get help.
If your spouse recognizes his emotional changes and wants to do something about it he can seek counseling (spiritual and emotional), he may need to get a physical or psychological examination and an evaluation by a doctor. Medicine may be helpful. Also improving his diet and exercise may be helpful.
All of these are things he can do and must do for himself.
The best that you can do is to make sure that you are safe and that you are not to blame for his emotions. Be a support and listening ear when he thinks it is helpful. Pray for him and your relationship to improve but be safe.
Name
Muhammad
-
Profession
Question
As-salamu 'alaykum,
It is known that men are leaders and stronger than women by nature, and it is their responsibility to lead and protect their family -the holy Qur'an affirms this. What would you say of some men who are naturally weak and poor leaders? Should such men marry at all? Can they marry?
This case applies to me. I am very weak and very poor in leadership. I can't stand up to protect my rights; I remain cheated most times. I feel angry but can't speak out and stand firm for my rights. I see myself helpless and most times I burst into tears in such situations. I can't shout or yell out. In general, I see myself so weak, soft and more like a feminine. I am also somehow passive and lack initiative. I am an introvert and have poor social relation with people. I am quite, gentle and can't talk much. I can't hold a smooth spontaneous conversation. Most times my head is empty and I don't know what to say. I think I have ALOGIA. I am boring and a lot of times I run away from people because I feel embarrassed when I am not able to converse smoothly. I don't have much aspirations and goals in life.
I have started thinking of marriage and some months ago a very good religious sister was recommended for me. We set out to know each other and after two months when this sister got to know more about me, she had no interest and feelings towards me due to my weak nature, poor leadership quality and my personality. Now I have come to understand that women want strong, brave and real men who can lead, protect them and whom they will be proud of. With my condition and especially since it is NATURAL with little or no changes (improvement) possible, I don't think any responsible sister will like me.
Does this mean I am not capable of marrying? Please advice especially with respect to my weak nature, personality and leadership from an Islamic point of view.
Answer
Dear Muhammad,
You have taken a beginning step in getting to know yourself. Most people don't take the time to get to know themselves and to reflect on their strengths and weaknesses. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses and we all bring them to the marriage. Most of us have not done the work to know what strengths and challenges we bring to our married life. So I applaud you for this first step.
Given your challenges you ask if this means you are not capable of marrying? Only Allah knows who is capable and who is not.
I can say that each of us can work to improve ourselves and change our condition. Hope, change, and transformation are keys to improving the human condition. We saw some of the worse people change and improve themselves during the time of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him). Allah tells us in the Qur'an that He will not change the condition of a people until they first work to change it themselves. So change and improvement is possible.
So I would say before you start to meet someone for marriage start to work on improving yourself. Some of the gentle qualities you have you will want to keep. You will also want to become stronger in some areas. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) was a balanced man. He was a man of steel and velvet. He was strong and courageous and he was gentle and kind. He cried for those orphans and the sick and the needy. He cried when his wife and children died. He rose an army up against the disbelievers. So seek to be like the Prophet (pbuh), soft and tender when it is important to be so with your family and tough when it is important.
As you are doing the work to improve yourself you will ask Allah for a wife who is compatible with you and appreciates your tenderness and your new found strength.
How do you develop your stronger side?
• Ask Allah for help and guidance through prayer and reflection. Read the Seerah of the Prophet (pbuh). Strive to be like him.
• Exercise. Take weight training and martial arts or wrestling. Eat healthy foods of vegetables and protein. Build your physical and your mental muscles.
• Read. Read the Qur'an and self improvement books.
• Practice being a leader in your community, your town, the society.
• Change your perspective, your thinking.
• Stop the negative thinking and begin to engage in positive thinking.
• Engage in positive self talk or positive messages.
• Say, "With the help of Allah I will be His best servant. I will be a kind and strong servant and husband".
• Where you have not taken leadership in the past begin to take leadership, a small step at a time.
• Seek wise counseling, both spiritual and professional to help you improve yourself.
• Ask Allah to bless you to be best husband and to have the best wife for you.
Name
Faith
-
Profession
Teacher
Question
I really want to get married to a good guy. I am in my late twenties and have yet to get a good proposal (in my opinion). I just want a faithful man that I can, at least, like. I don't know what to do except making dua'a.
I work in a Muslim environment, I am normal looking but I don't know what the problem is. I am a shy person and am not very comfortable around males. Do you think that is the reason why they don't approach me? Or am I just unlucky?
My parents want me to go back to their home country to find someone there. It would be easy to find someone there but they would be using me just for my citizenship. I have no confidence to meet potential grooms on dates because my parents always made that to be totally wrong and so even though I am in my late twenties I am afraid to do that in case they find out and also because I fear rejection. Please advise doctor, I have total tawakkul on Allah, the Almighty, and know in my heart that He will not leave me alone… Ameen
Answer
Dear Faith,
Knowing that you have total tawakkul on Allah, the Almighty, and knowing in your heart that Allah will not abandon you is essential.
There are many Muslim men and women who are single today and want to get married. Unfortunately in societies in which Muslims are among the minority like the US; we are struggling to develop ways for Muslims who are single to meet. In majority Muslim countries Muslim families know each other and that his how their young people meet each other. In the US many young people meet at school or work or while engaging in community service.
I am glad you realize that you could get married but you recognize that the easy marriage may not be the best marriage. It may just be for citizenship or something else that does not lead to a healthy, happy marriage.
So I suggest you be patient. Allah chooses our spouses for us. He blesses us to know them in His on time. He blesses some of us with good spouses in this life and others He blesses in the next life.
Insha'Allah He will send you your spouse and you will recognize him when he comes to you.
In the meantime continue to be patient. Do good work in your community and society as a single women with the many talents Almighty Allah has blessed you with. As you go about in your work Allah will bless you to meet many people. You will come to know them in your service to Allah and as they are serving Allah and insha'Allah Allah will help you know someone who is most compatible with you.
Name
Saeda
-
Profession
Question
As-salamu 'alaykum,
May question is what is the dua'a for a quick marry?
Answer
Dear Saeda,
I don't know the dua'a for a quick marriage.
Marriage is one of the most important things you will do in life. It is half of your religion and is a foundation of our society. We spend more time preparing for our career than we do for our married lives.
My opinion is that you don't want to seek a quick marriage. If you do you will likely wind up with a quick divorce.
Spend time while you are single getting to really know yourself and developing your relationship with Allah.
The more you get to know you and the closer you become to Allah; the more prepared you will be when Allah sends you the husband who is best for you.
An easy marriage is very possible but easy marriages most often are not the best marriages or the ones that are based on sakinah, love, and mercy.
Spend time in service to Allah and your community. When the time is right Allah will bless you with the husband who is best for you.
Name
Yakubu
- Nigeria
Profession
Internee pharmacist
Question
As salamu 'alaykum Dr. Aneesah,
What does Islam say on how to choose a partner?
Answer
Dear Yakubu,
The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) told us that marriage is half of our religion. He told us that we may choose a spouse for four reasons: property, status, beauty, and religion but choosing the person for his or her religious character is the best reason.
The problem is that each of us is at a different stage in our religious development. Some of us are more religious than others.
Islam also teaches us to marry someone with whom we are compatible.
In order to choose the best partner for us we have to know who we are and what our strengths and challenges are. We have to know what kind of relationship we have with Allah. We have to get to know what we expect in our married life and what our dreams and goals for our future family are.
Then we have to spend time getting to know the person we are thinking of marrying and whether or not that person has character, temperament, religious character, and behavior that is compatible to ours.
Marriages in which one person is very religious and spiritual while the other is not usually don't work well. If one partner likes to go out to parties while the other one doesn't those marriages don't usually work well.
So get to know yourself. Develop your relationship with Allah. Spend time in a halaal (legal) way getting know the person who you think you want to marry. Participate in a marriage preparation and education program. Seek premarital advisement from a wise advisor. Pray to Allah for the spouse who is best for you. Ask Allah to help you to be the best spouse and to recognize the person He has sent to you.
Name
Mohammed
- United States
Profession
Question
I am a single young man in my twenties. Although I am very loved by my parents and family, somehow my emotional desires keep craving for more love; I am especialy close to my father and I also got emotionally close to one of the brothers I meet at the masjid. I feel horrified and upset at the fact that everyone I adore had intimate relations with spouses and have kids. Somehow I feel ugly about the act even though I understand about it- emotionally I feel bad also that everyone in general considers intimate relations taboo but still do it.
Answer
As salamu 'alaykum Mohammed,
Sex and intimacy are a natural part of life. It is part of how Allah created us.
Ruqqaiyyah Maqsood in her book, The Muslim Marriage Guide, reports a hadith from Sahih Muslim that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, 'In the sexual act of each of you there is sadaqa. The Companions replied: 'O Messenger of God! When one of us fulfils his sexual desire, will he be given a reward for that? And he (pbuh) said, 'Do you think that were he to act upon it unlawfully he will be sinning? Likewise, if he acts upon it lawfully he will be rewarded.'
Sex and intimacy with our spouse is a form of worship of Allah and can be beautiful when we have a spouse we love and care for and we spend time with for the sake of Allah.
The Prophet (pbuh) married and he had sex and spent intimate time with his wives. In this was an act of worship of Allah.
I suggest you work to reframe you perspective on sex and intimacy. Think of it in a beautiful loving way. Be careful of watching sex in R rated or pornographic movies when people are not in a marriage based on their desire to please Allah. Sex out of marriage, in a forbidden relationship will lead us to have an ugly perspective about it.
Also, if we were sexually abused or molested we will have mixed feelings about sex and intimacy. We will be confused about it because of our earlier experiences and how we were mistreated.
Obtain professional and spiritual counseling and guidance. Seek help so that you will develop a healthier view of sex and intimacy and ask Allah to help you to see the beauty in pleasing your wife and your wife pleasing you.
We have to be the best examples and role models for our children. They become the example we show them.
We want to develop good communication skills between each other as spouses, as parents, as family members. We want to practice mutual consultation and engage in family discussion about what concerns our family. We want to demonstrate kindness and compassion.
Family members need to encourage each other and help each other to be the best Muslims they can be.
This takes work. Many families are struggling to exemplify good Muslim home life. Participating in Islamically-based family life education, marriage education, premarital and marital counseling, and developing our relationship with Allah (S) will help us develop healthy families and home lives.
Name
Sara
- Egypt
Profession
Translator
Question
What are the main principles that any Muslim home should be based on?
Answer
Dear Sara,
Muslim homes should be based on taqwa (piety ), the love of Allah, and the desire to adhere to His commandments. Married life should be based on the recognition that we are all servants of Allah and that our responsibility is to worship Him and endeavor to get to heaven. As spouses we should help each other get to heaven by serving Allah, caring for his creation, being His custodians on earth, and enjoying what is good and forbidding what is wrong. We must endeavor to maintain balance in our lives just as the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) did. We want to be careful not to go to one extreme or the other.
Balance is the key.
Name
Kik
-
Profession
Question
Hello, I am 23-year-old guy plans to marry in 2 or 3 years. What preparation should I take before getting married?
Answer
As salamu 'alaykum Dear Kik,
Getting married is one of the most important things we will do in life. However it is the area of our lives for which get the least education and preparation.
Since you are hoping to marry in 2 or 3 years insha'Allah I suggest you participate in a marriage preparation and education course before you meet the lady you want to marry. I suggest that you both participate in a marriage preparation and education course before marriage. Also, I suggest that you spend time getting to know yourself, your strengths and your weaknesses and that you develop your relationship with Almighty Allah.
Once you decide to marry/become engaged I advise you to participate in approximately 6 sessions at 2 hours each of premarital advisement by a trained and experienced premarital advisor/counselor to get to know if you are compatible for each other and if you are both ready for marriage and what challenges you can expect in marriage and how to overcome them insha'Allah.
I suggest that you do this before you set the wedding date at least 3 months before the wedding.
I suggest that before you decide that you will get engaged that you both get to know each other's background, temperament, family, and friends to determine if you are compatible and suitable for each other.
I suggest that once you have had premarital education, had time to get to know yourself and developed your relationship with Almighty Allah, participated in premarital advisement, conducted your background check and vetting, prayed istikara prayer that you realize that marriage is a lifelong process that you will need to invest in and continue to work on for the rest of your marriage.
Name
malina
- Kenya
Profession
Question
hi there Dr. Aneesah,
I got married 2 Saturdays ago, and went through a lot of stress. It's a whole new world to me. I discovered my husband's other side; moody, withdrawn at times... It confused me, and it hurts me. Well, my question is: When I'm in it, how do I improve it? How do I get rid from being depressed because of how I got treated when all I wanted was comfort from him?
Thank you.
Answer
Dear Malina,
I am sorry that your marriage has not been going well so far and that you have already experienced such hurt and disappointment in your new married life.
How do you stop being depressed because of how you have been treated when you wanted to comfort him?
First of all, realize that his behavior, moodiness and being withdrawn, is not your fault. He is responsible for his behavior and you are responsible for yours. So don't blame yourself for how he behaves.
I wonder how long and much you knew your husband before you married. I wonder how compatible you are for one another. I wonder if you have similar temperament and manners, goals and dreams. I wonder about the relationship you both have with Allah. All of these things are important in determining compatibility.
But under the circumstances you ask: How do you improve your marriage since you are already married?
Marriage takes two people. It is something that both of you have to want to invest in and put the effort forth to make it better.
So you want to find out from him and ask yourself if you both want to develop the kind of marriage Almighty Allah wants for us. A married life that is filled with love and mercy and sakinah (tranquility) in which we serve as garments for each other. A marriage that is healthy and helps us to serve Allah and get to Heaven.
If this is not the kind of marriage you both want, what kind of marriage do you want? What are you willing to do to develop the kind of marriage that you want and that will help you as Muslims become true servants of Allah?.
The real question is: What can both of you do to improve your marriage? You will want to pray and seek guidance and help from Allah. You will want to seek wise counsel from your elders, your imam, a professional marriage counselor. You can, if you decide that you want this marriage to continue, learn what a healthy Muslim marriage can be. Both of you will want to learn skills that will help you improve your relationship with each other.
Study the family life of Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him). Your husband and you will learn how the Prophet (pbuh) treated his wives and children and what advice he gave to community members. Your husband has to decide that he has to treat you better and more like the Prophet (pbuh) treated his wives, with kindness, care and concern.
You have to remember that as a Muslim wife you are entitled to kind treatment, care, and concern from your husband. You have to continue to encourage him to be like this with you. And if he is not able or willing to make an effort to treat you better and to work to improve the marriage you will want to decide if you can remain married to him. Continue to pray and ask Allah for guidance.
Name
Imran
- Pakistan
Profession
Question
Pray that you and your loved ones are in the best of Iman and Health.
Firstly, jazaki Allah khair for providing such priceless services for the Ummah, may Almighty Allah reward you.
I was recently turned down for a marriage proposal because I was told that I don't have a 'strong personality'. The sister who I was proposing to told me that she wanted a man who would 'order her' what to do. She felt as though I was someone who would let her do anything even if I disliked it. I acknowledged this but said that providing you don't do anything against the sacred law, I wouldn't have an issue with it even if I disliked it. I was thinking in terms of selflessness, if Islam permits it then why shouldn't she be allowed to do whatever she wants to, for example working providing she fulfills all other duties as a wife?
My question is what do women mean when they say they want a husband with a strong personality? I remember reading a question posed by a sister who wanted a husband that "…screams at his wife, and orders her around". I know very little about women, and I'm totally baffled, is this what women really want in a husband? Surely being macho like and 'ordering' ones wife about just for the sake of being manly can't be proper, can it? Maybe having been born and brought up in the west I have a warped sense of what it is to be a man. What is it to be a man, a husband?
Please forgive for my long-winded question.
But I would really appreciate it if you could answer my questions.
Many thanks.
Jazaki Allah khair
Answer
As salamu 'alaykum Imran,
The Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) was the best example of a man and a husband. He was a man of steel and velvet. He was kind and tender to his wives, children, and servants. He was strong against the disbelievers. He was kind toward the orphans, widows, and needy. When a disbeliever softened his position so did the Prophet (pbuh). He was also kind to those who mistreated him.
So being gentle, even tempered, agreeable, selfless are good characteristics of husbands and men. Some men are more controlling and harsh but this is not the example of our Prophet Muhammad (pbuh).
Some women and men have developed a warped sense of what it means to be a man or woman, a husband or wife. Many have not studied the seerah of the Prophet (pbuh). Many have lived with and experienced harshness and controlling temperament rather than kindness and easy going personality. So this is what they have come to expect in marriage.
It is important that you strive to follow the example of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) and that you maintain a balanced character, not too harsh and not too timid -steel and velvet-.
Also, it is important that you get to know yourself and the kind of person you are. Become self assured as you learn more about the life of the Prophet (pbuh). As you get know sisters determine if their perspective and temperament is compatible with yours.
If what she wants is someone that will control her and treat her harshly and that is not you clearly let her know that this is not who you are and it not who you want to be. Let her know that is clear that you recognize you are not compatible and she would be better suited with someone else.
Pray to Allah for a sister who is compatible with you and can appreciate your kind and easy going temperament.
Women do want to know that you will protect them and take care of them but in a balanced way with a balanced temperament. Those women who believe you have to be a macho man to do this are not aware of the character of the Prophet (pbuh) and would not be well suited to you.
Be patient. Insha'Allah" Allah will show you the sister who is best suited to you and can appreciate your temperament.
In the meantime study the seerah, take a marriage preparation and education course, and plan to participate in premarital advisement/counseling when you meet a sister you think you want to marry. Do this before you set the wedding date so that you will have time to learn if you are really suitable for each other.
Name
Jasmine
-
Profession
Question
Up until I became depressed at the age of 20 I never wanted to get married, but now all of a sudden I really do. Could this be the depression?
Answer
Dear Jasmine,
There is so much I don't know about your situation and would need to know to answer your question.
My experience is that depression tends to make us isolate and not want to develop relationships.
Now that you want to get married perhaps you are starting to feel like you want to share your life with someone and start get more involved with life and have relationships. Have you met someone that you want to share your life with?
I suggest you to speak with a professional counselor, someone who has experience working with people who are depressed to get an answer to your question.
Some people experience episodes of depression while others have ongoing and chronic depression. See a professional counselor or doctor to learn more about the kind of depression you are experiencing and about this new found interest in marriage.
Name
Editor
-
Profession
Answer
At the end, we would like to thank Dr. Aneesah Nadir for her presence with IslamOnline readers today. And we appologize for not being able to answer all questions for time constraints.