The session has just started. Please feel free to join and submit your questions now.
After the session has ended, you can view the whole dialogue by clicking Recent Sessions, or The Archive.
Yours,
IOL Homepage Editor
Name
A.
-
Profession
Question
Salam alaikoem Dr.,
I regularly visit Muslim dating sites and chat with men. I really want to get married, but oftentimes after a few times the contact stops. What's a good way to conduct myself to achieve what I want?
Thanks!
Answer
Assalam Alaykum Sister A,
With the online scene, you must be very, very careful, and very, very patient. Unfortunately, most of the men who are online do not have good intentions. Many are very married and don't really want a second wife. Many others may or may not be married, but they don't' really want a wife, rather, they are hoping for phone sex, or even web cam sex... and they will try to convince you that they are interested in marriage. Then there are those, who will actually want to meet you in person... however, they do not want you to have an escort with you, and the truth is, they don't really want marriage...they want a girlfriend with no responsibilities etc...also, there are those who are seeking to leave their country and want a visa... now, there are sincere men from different countries, and insincere ones... so be very cautious and make sure you let these men know that you cannot sponsor anyone. Remember, most countries make it mandatory for the one who is sponsoring the person who wants to come, to be financially responsible for them. You don't want to end up in that situation. BUT, there are a few who are sincere. There really isn't any way you can know who is real, and who is just playing with you unless you just let time reveal who they are to you. I suggest that you first think about who you are, what lifestyle you want, and what your own standards for marriage are. Create a list of criteria that must be met if you are even going to continue a conversation with any man at all.
Once you see the man does not fit your criteria, stop chatting all together. The only purpose for chatting is to see if you are interested in perusing the possibility of marriage. If the man doesn't at least seem like someone who fits your criteria, don't waste your time. Don't hang out, or hang on just to get married. Most of us who are single are lonely, and it is easy to get "addicted" to chatting, even though the chat isn't leading to anything healthy. Don't fall into that trap. I suspect that many of the "insincere" men are also lonely, and for one reason or another, are not ready for marriage...still, it is dangerous and unhealthy to engage at all unless both parties are very serious about finding a lifetime partner. You will most likely get hurt. So, if you are lonely, get yourself involved with some activities with some of the sisters. Really, you will be surprised how much of the loneliness is simply the need to share your heart and mind with someone. Sisters are good at that, and we are also good at nurturing each other. It wont take that deep seated need for a husband, nothing will, but it takes the edge off things, because your sisters understand how you feel.
Now, if you are chatting with someone who presents as if he meets your criteria, be ready to talk about practical issues, and make sure that when he comes to meet you (and make sure he comes to meet you, not the other way around)... that he accepts the idea that you will have an escort with you. Don't allow him to get you alone. Men, whether intentionally or unintentionally will most likely try to have sex with you if they are alone with you. And, sex is just that to them, it does not necessarily mean "relationship" and this is where sisters get confused, because we don't know how to separate those... we don't separate them, unless we are emotionally disturbed... but men do...so, don't be alone with the man. If, after meeting each other at least two times to confirm that you still have a mutual interest in marriage, do not consent to see him alone...but rather, if he wants to talk privately with you, he can call you on the phone. IF he gets out of line, then you know he is trying to get you to be his girlfriend, not his wife; dump him immediately. If he is discussing what he is able to do in order to protect you and provide for you, then listen.
Make sure that if you are seeking marriage through an online service, that you have a family member or close friend who is a practicing Muslim involved. Keep them updated on what is happening. Let the men that initiate chats with you know that you are not alone. This will make at least half of the "bad guys" go away.
Sister, the reason that your chats are not lasting very long, is likely that you are sincere and honest and frank. IF this is the case, then keep up the good work. You don't want to be chatting with a lot of men. You just want to meet one right man. Allah has already chosen your husband. We don't know if he is online, or right in your own backyard. Use these principles that I just mentioned in all of your searching.
One last thing, don't initiate the conversations. Only respond. This makes you more special in their perception and it makes life a lot easier for you. Once a man initiates a conversations with you, tell him to wait a couple of minutes as you want to read his profile. If he is a gentleman, and is genuinely interested, and not just chatting out of boredom... but actively seeking marriage, he will be just fine with this. Then, check out his profile and see if he meets your criteria. If he does not, let him know. It's ok to be direct. You don't know him anyway, and you aren't hurting his feelings. If his profile looks like he might meet your criteria, tell him so and let him know that you would enjoy getting to know him, safely...
I hope this is helpful. Keep all of us posted on your experiences out there as this can be very helpful to other readers who are either seeking a life partner/spouse online, or who are anticipating using this modality.
May Allah bring you the husband that will fulfill your needs and bring you a love-filled marriage of happiness and harmony.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
rayes
- Qatar
Profession
manager
Question
Salam Dr.,
Recently my wife left on vacation with my 06 months son.. she was very happy and kept good contact for one month and now under instigation from her mother she is completely ignoring me and has broken all contacts. Even the well being of my son is not known.. on serious enquiry we have found out that there is a major practice of black magic from her maternal home and already 2 of her aunts who are well over 40 have left their husbands and are at the maternal home... that maternal home is also completely controlled by my mother in law and she is highly vindictive of me and my family... what is your advice? .. Can I file for child custody based on what I have heard of black magic being practiced in their homes? .. What is your advice on my future relationship with my wife after I have now uncovered truth about her maternal home and the shirk that is being practiced there??
Answer
ASsalamu Alaykum Brother Rayes,
Did your wife leave to another country? If she is in another country, you will need to find out the laws in that country. The first thing you need to do is to secure legal counsel for yourself, NOW. The scholars and the legal counsel can guide you as to what your rights are in your country and help you fight for them. If your wife is in another country you need to find out their laws as well, and ask your legal counsel to assist you in working with their legal system.
As far as the black magic is concerned, realize that all magic is an illusion, and Allah is real. If you don't "buy into it", meaning allow your mind to get tricked into fear, then it has absolutely no power over you. It is all really just a mind game. So, pray, pray, pray. Allah is your protector, and Allah is the protector of your child... focus more on the attributes of Allah, and no magic can touch you or your son. Allah is your strength and Allah will guide you to the right counsel and the right action to get this resolved.
Please keep me posted.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
muslimah
- Pakistan
Profession
student
Question
Asalamo eleikom Dr.,
...Ramadhan Mubarik to you ... I am writing to you after a long time... I told you I was breaking off my engagement with my cousin, I was committed to him for the last four years but I was not happy...now it's been almost a year...I want to move on with life, have goals and ambitions and live a life of purpose... right now I am living an aimless life... I feel I should have compromised with him whatsoever because this break up has hurt a lot of people, my parents support me but they are worried at the same time...
please tell me how can I get over these feeling of insecurity and fear...I want to know myself better and I want to get closer to Allah...I'm doing my prayers regularly now and I supplicate a lot...but the fear doesn't go away. I want to get in touch with my soul and know what I really want. I am 22 yrs old and I have a good job...but I can't appreciate life...and I can't be rally happy...I tend to worry a lot about my future. I want to live in present. please advise...
sorry for the long question..
Answer
Assalam Alaykim Sister Muslimah,
I am not ready to give you a pat answer as to how to awaken the confident aspect of yourself and motivate you to move into a new psychological, spiritual, and emotional "space"... first, we need to explore where the fear and insecurity is coming from. I need more information. I would mention that sometimes the fear is fear of success... sometimes it is fear of failure... it can be feelings of inadequacy, or fear of the power that we subconsciously know we have inside us, and women often fear that if we "shine" and allow our natural gifts that Allah gave us to develop and become useful, then men will reject us. We fear we have to choose between expressing the woman that Allah made us to be, and marriage. But sister, things are changing, and as long as we run around holding ourselves back in hope that we will marry... we set ourselves up for a bad marriage that will likely end in divorce. This is because when we suppress our natural talent that Allah gave us, in hope that a husband will love us... we end up resenting the husband! And that really isn't his fault....so, once you identify where your fear is coming from, and what you are feeing insecure about, we can talk and work toward resolving the fear and insecurity. You are very, very young, so don't worry about whether or not you will find a husband... you will. Women are marrying after age fifty now! So, you won't have any problem...Now is the time for you to explore what direction you are going to take now...think about what you want to be doing in 10 years. Do you want to be a mother of three children, living in a nice home with a loving husband? Really think about being 32 years old. Then, try to imagine being 42 years old. Then, see where that leads your heart. Write to me soon so that we can continue this exploration...
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
najia
- Afghanistan
Profession
Question
Salam Dr.,
Do you know any guide book that has halal food, product name ,brand name , manufacturer or and ingredients??
Answer
Assalam Alaykum sister Najia,
I don't have a guide book per say, however you can google this in your computer and a ton of information will be available. The halal food is mostly the meat. So, if your meat is halal, then you are safe. The questions is, are you attempting to learn how to cook another culture's food?
Personally, since I grew up in the United States, and we are a very multi cultural country, I have been interested in learning how to cook dishes from all over the world since I was a young girl. However, I declared shahada as an adult. So, I now shop for my meat and also some very hard to find ingredients at Halal grocery stores. There, I can find Pakistani ingredients, Arabic ingredients and more, including the meat. I can also ask the meat to be cut for American food, and have meat to put on pizza, and in lazagnia, hamburgers, etc... The one thing you have to be careful of is making sure that your breads and other items don't have lard in it, or pig products...if you shop at a halal store, you can feel safe. Also, if you switch your breads to Naan, and similar bread products, you will be safe. Spend time in your grocery store just reading the labels of items that you routinely buy to make sure they do not contain pig products...the store manager wont mind...it takes some time, but go there for that specific reason. If you do not have a Halal store nearby, talk tot he sisters in your local Masjed and ask them how they are getting their halal food. Chances are people are joining together and paying for an animal, and having it butchered halal; they then have it cut and they share it with each other. Also, if you have time, the bread products are fun to make, and easy to make as well.
If you google by culture, then you will find the foods that go together. For instance, meat and white rice with salad, use of olive oil and other specific spices=Arabic... The company Shan manufactures all kinds of Pakistan products and they ship all over the world... google Shan to learn about Pakistani food product, and simply google Pakistani or Indian food for recipes from that regions (there are about five different regions within that regions and the food combinations and spics vary slightly depending on the region)... anyway, that's how I do it...If I am cooking Japanese, or Italian, or you name it, I like to stick to the theme, make sure the meat and bread is halal, and omit anything that has pig fat in it. If you bake your own sweats or buy them at a halal food store, as well as your bread, then you will most likely be cooking very halal.
You brought to my attention a very good point...we need guide books! We should bring this idea up to our sisters and see if the sisters who are very proficient at cooking halal wont oblige us and have them put here on IOL for all of us to read… Perhaps we could have a Guidebook for every culture! I am so glad that you asked this question.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Lost
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
Assalam Alaikum,
Thank you for responding to my question last week, I truly appreciate it.
However I am struggling, I continue to pray and read Qur'an and make dua'a and beg Allah for help and guidance but I feel like my ability to cope is weakening. I do not know what to do or how to bring myself peace with the situation. I just find myself continually crying out of despair I want to be happy and content with Allah's decree but something inside me is keeping me upset.
I have tried so many ways to think and look at the situation I am in (in terms of having my heart broken) but everyway I look at it I am still upset, I still miss this guy that has caused me this hurt and I don't want to. I just want to forget about him and move on with my life but I am finding it too hard. I do not know what I have to do to not be upset with him and with what has happened, I feel like my heart has been taken and torn apart and I don't know how to rectify this? I am just so overcome with hurt and grief I want to be patient and I am trying but I do not know how much more I can take?
I need to fix this soon because I go back to university in 2 weeks and I have worked to hard and long to throw away my education now but I don't know how to not let this affect me. I pray to Allah everyday to make these feelings go but they have not. What else can I do?
Answer
Wa Alaykum Assalam Sister,
I really do know this pain. It takes time. Don't be hard on yourself for crying. If you find yourself crying, just let the tears flow, they are rivers of healing water and they will cleanse your heart and heal your soul. Allah hears every drop of pain, trust that. Allah will hold each tear in His hand and enfold you with His love.
Now that you are two weeks away from going back to school, make a list of things you need to do to be mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically prepared for school. Write down each day of the next two weeks something that you can do. Get active now. This will help switch your focus and accelerate your healing process. Today, locate your study areas in your home and start to prepare it. Put something on your wall that will inspire you to do a good job at the university. Look over the schedule of your subjects and start studying a little bit now, if you have your books. Go for a walk each day to contemplate... long walks make a big difference... really, and really, really, take the walks... then when you are at home, do the takes that you assigned yourself to prepare yourself for the University. Start practicing the routine that you will be adhering to when school starts...from hygiene, and beauty, to study time, to time with friends... it is time to get your routine started and figured out NOW.... focus on this for at least an hour each day until school start...
Please write in next week and tell me how you are doing...
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
jasmine
- Australia
Profession
Question
Salam. I've been contemplating wearing the hijab for quite some time. now my hair has been falling out and it is really upsetting me, my self-esteem is low. anyways, could my hair loss be a sign from Allah (swt) to wear hijab ? I know our actions are based on intensions but I'm thinking of wearing the scarf because of my hair loss and to some degree because of religion. I know I might sound like a horrible person, to just want to wear it because of hair loss, but I have been contemplating it for sometime.
Plus what advice would you give someone who just wont stop procrastinating when it comes to university work, I've been about for 4 weeks now and I cant get myself to open a book, I'm in a "can't be bothered " type mood all the time ..
Thank you in advance, jazaki Allah khairan
Answer
Assalamu Alaykum,
I am not qualified to even try to fathom the ways of Allah. I doubt there is a human being alive who is qualified to do this. However, if this experience results in your wearing hijab, and getting used to how it feels and even hangs your identity somewhat, then alhamduillah! Eventually you will feel comfortable in your "new skin"...it is in wearing it over time that makes wearing it feel natural. And that does take some time, but it will happen.
Still, you really do need to talk to a medical doctor bout your hair falling out. There are several causes of hair loss, and your doctor can rule out the different causes and possibly help you find a treatment.
As far as getting motivated to do your studies, ask yourself what your original goal is. Why are you at the University? Do you need to study in order to accomplish your goal? Let's talk about that...write back so we can talk about what your original goals are, and what you need to do in order to achieve them.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
fatima
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
as salaamu alaikum Dr.,
I have rage issues. how can I find out the source of the anger using self help techniques??
Answer
Assalamu Alaykum Fatima,
Being aware that you are angry is a great first step. Anger is a helpful warning sign that something in our life isn't right, and offers us an opportunity to resolve the issues with the help of Allah.
The next step will include two actions. First, get a journal and write in it every single day. Play some very comforting music with no words... something relaxing and soothing. Make a point of doing this work. Each day, start off with naming your dominant Emotion/Feeling/Mood for the day (happy, sad, angry, confused, melancholy, excited). Get yourself a "cheat sheet" and list as many emotions/moods as you can. This way, you will have them to choose from. After you name you dominant mood/emotion/feeling, write down what this emotion/feeling/mood/ actually feels like, then write down what you believe caused you feel this way. write down the events of the day and how those events affected you... you will uncover allot if you do this every day.
Next, if you go have a "rage" episode", as soon as you calm down, immediately get to your journal and make three sections on a page: 1. Antecedents 2. Behaviors 3. Consequences. Here, write down what was happening in your thoughts, and inner world, as well as what event triggered the rage (in the first column/section). Then, in the second section/column, write down the specific behavior that you exhibited during the "rage" episode". Then in the third column/section, write down the immediate consequences that occurred. For example, you might have felt some immediate relief from the stress. If you are having "rage" episodes, then something is reinforcing the"rage" behavior. If you identify the consequences that are reinforcing the behavior, you can also identify the need that you have that you must get met. Now, you can look for alternative ways to get that need met. Also, by analyzing the first collumn/section, you can identify the thoughts and events that trigger the rage. If the triggers include belief systems and things you are saying to yourself, you can write these beliefs in your journal and work on how to resolve those issues. If there are actual events that are triggering "rage" episodes, then you can look for ways to modify your environment, change things to reduce the stressors in your life that are getting you to this point. Perhaps that means interacting less with a certain individual, or changing something in your daily routine.
Start with this. This is a lot of work. Then, write in to me next week, and let's see what you have discovered. After a few weeks of this analysis, we can work together in finding ways to resolve the issues that cause rage.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Maha
- Egypt
Profession
Question
Salamu Alaykum, Ramadan Kareem.
My husband, who was supposed to be a religious person with a long beard and a jilbaab left me for a long time. During his absence I had a few proposals, I was interested in one so we started talking. I told him I was not divorce. He said he wish things would work out for my husband and I but I knew they were no hopes. He put his intention that if I were divorced he would have like to marry someone like me. Now things are moving a bit better ALhamdulillah, I am scared we started off in the wrong direction and will be punished for it sooner or later. The conversations we had were civilized and Islamic, straight forward, he told me his intention and said to let him know when the divorce is over but in the meantime we were still talking. How can I repent for this?
Answer
ASsalam Alaykum Sister Maha,
I cannot tell you what is haram. Please ask our scholars about this.
However, we are in the month of Ramadan. It sounds like in a moment of loneliness and weakness, you spoke to another man about marriage while you were still married. It is my honest and heartfelt belief that Allah is Most Merciful, and that if you sincerely stop doing this, even when you are lonely... that Allah will forgive you. I am saying this sister to sister, as I am not a scholar. I suggest that you focus on your marriage, and do not interact with men at all unless they are your relatives, unless you are actually divorced. This keeps you away form getting into situations and entanglements that will only cause you pain and confusion. If you are lonely, talk to the sisters in your community, and make some good friends to ease the loneliness. If your marriage succeeds, this would be wonderful. If you do end up divorced, then you can be available to meet eligible men. But forget about this man. First of all, I have my doubts about a man who is willing to talk to a married woman. What kind of a man would do this? He put himself and you in harms way by inviting temptation. I would definitely stay away from this kind of man. I pray your marriage provides you with what you need to be content and meets your emotional needs. If you find it does not, then try to discuss this with your husband, and let him know what you need. Start there, and then see what develops.
Please keep me posted.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
muslima
-
Profession
Question
Assalamualaikum Dr,
Ramadan mubarak for you !
Hope you are in a good health, amien.
Dr, what kind of attitude needed in getting through in adaptation for new things whether in new places, new person, friends, marriage, job etc. since I always find it hard to through it and most often I failed ( mostly I can stand 3 months) but only with things that I really intend to stay where there's Allah SWT blessed I can stand longer. like for example I have turn off many jobs, places not long enough maybe 3 - 4 months after that I will give up and just stop it. the reason either I feel bored or I can't get along with that new things. the longest I can achieve to stay longer is because I feel enjoy and comfort so I give full ability first is with the last job which is all are practicing Muslim so the environment is Islamic I have to stop because married and the last is my marriage which is my goal of life it was stopped by Allah swt willing which is i being divorced. other than that i will just stop easily whether i feel bored or failed because of the adaptation is too hard. so I never give my full ability besides those two things. I always wants people likes me or i am the center of attention.
The hardest for me is always on adaptation to new things and most of time i failed. either because is too hard or i bore because there's no challenges anymore
I feel like i have to change my attitude or the way of think becuase I never stick to one thing. you can imagine for my whole life ( i am 31 now ) I only can stick to 2 things i mention above which the last job and marriage. so because of I never stick to a thing I don't have a a good carrier in job or find what the real hobbies is.. I try many things, hobbies but i never stick to them too.
so now in this age I am zero only have a bunch of experience life and knowledge but nothing real i can achieve at the end like i don't settle in financial, carrier,my marriage ended too. I know its all Allah SWT blessed ( at least what i feel though I still can't see the wisdom for all of that )
There is few question regarding of my background
1. What kind of person I am ? do i have to change ? if yes what is that and how ?
2. What sort of attitude i should have to get through in adaptation so I am not giving up or feel bored
because I feel something wrong in me regarding to my condition now which is zero and looks like all is failed (from the human "eyes" )though Allah SWT always gave anything what I put intention too alhamdulillah. I realized from spiritual side what sort of things i should fixed but I want to know from other side. I have hope and i believe there's wisdom behind all of this
Thanks in advance for the answer.
Wassalamualaikum
Answer
Assalam Alaykum Sister,
You don't have to change who you are. Allah created you. What is happening here is likely that you you just don't know what your next step in life is. You don't know what you should strive for. The loss of a marriage is a loss of identity, and it is normal to feel lost and not know what direction to go in. For a time, it can seem that nothing is fulfilling.
Did you take time to allow yourself to grieve over the loss of your marriage? Are you being gentle with yourself? It sounds like this marriage is what you wanted and what was dear to your hear, and that you identified with "wifehood"...that was taken away from you. So, pray to Allah to heal you heart and to give you inspiration and guide you to his purpose for you. If you allow yourself to unfold, then the inspirations will come. If you let that inspiration guide you to your life goal making, then you will have a direction and feel more motivated to dedicated yourself to it. SO, allow yourself to recover from you loss.
Perhaps you really like marriage, and you want to e married again... explore your options sister. Don't close yourself off from living. Meanwhile, if you must work to sustain yourself, let that be OK. Don't have any major expectations from your job, just let it be. One day at a time. If you have this attitude, chances are, you will be able to stick with whatever job you are doing until either a better one comes along, or you get married again. Meanwhile, make some friends with trusted sisters and find some time for fun, and/or a hobby that you would like to try. No harm in experimenting with hobbies, such as writing, cooking, or whatever makes you happy. These activities are often things you enjoyed as a child, so try to remember what you liked doing as a young girl. Have some fun with this exploration. It might awaken something inside you.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Melissa
- United Kingdom
Profession
Question
Dear Madam,
I am very confused about an important decision that I need to make soon. I am mature professional individual. A friend of mine who was married to a particular nationality, someone who portrays Islam on the outside but harbor the image of Islam. He didn't support his wife for a long time, in fact indebted his wife, she is a very caring and loving person, she thoughts she was doing it for the sake of God and she will be recompense. Her (may be ex or still) husband disappeared for a length period of time. He exposed all her private life prior to marriage to his friends and family, and informed them they he will divorce her but never told her himself. She has done what most of us women will never do or go through, she keeps reminding herself that this life will end. Although I do not share similar etiquette, I deeply respect her, her values and incredible way of living her most simple life leaves anyone to adore her and respect and admire her. She is very God fearing and does all for the sake of her religion. Her husband who is extremely short tempered after a lengthy time away gave her divorce in a text, when you look at him anyone would think he is the most religious and God fearing that ever exist. She left her penniless. He called her a ' Bi.....'. All those acceptable, what is the punishment for him? Since then he seems to be having a ball in his life? where is the justice to her? she thinks he will be punish later may be not in this world but in the after. As human when we see how others have corrupted, manipulated and abusive to others how can one sit and realize and say he will be punished later while she suffers. Does this make sense to you. My personal question: One his friend who I vaguely know has shown a serious interest in me, he seems to be nice,but because they are exactly the same background, am petrified at the thought that he may be the same. My friend's husband was also very nice to her before they got married, once the desire was fulfilled, it was nothing but harsh words and abusive behavior. His friend who am speaking now seems to be different when I asked how he would handle a particular situation, I was pleased with the answer. As genuine as he appears to be, I'm scared. He seems to be genuine in most of his talks and has even mentioned about me to his family. What should I be looking for and what advised can you give and shed more lights into my friend's husband. Am not judging a book by its cover nor judging anyone but observations have left me speechless at time when I saw what my friends went through,at the end she wasted her life with a loser and she is at lost in my eyes as far as getting those lost yrs with her husband. I honestly want to see her husband go through hardship same thing he put her in but am only an outsider and wish that these people match their own, he had a woman with a jewel heart but he took it for granted. Now it 100% he will give and learn from my friend for the hardship and would most likely not impose that on the next person he meets. the thought of my friend accepted all in the worst case scenario is hurting her that he will try to be the best with someone else just to prove a point, to WHO, he only knows! He has left such a big scar and a bad image for an Islamic person, like someone told her he only bears a Muslim name but has no characteristics of a person with a heart let alone a Muslim person. Islam did not soften his heart unfortunately. Now in this fasting month, only God knows, how can he pretend to be a good Muslim while all years he was an evil person to this woman. Is this not hypocrisy in Islam to have a double standard and a double personality. He has a way of convincing ppl, I asked him if he can convinced God. How do people deal with so low mentality specially in Islam.
Thank you.
Answer
ASsalamAlaykum Sister Melissa,
Your fears are understandable. You are wise to not judge another persons because they share the same culture and to not generalize the horrible experience of one sister to a fear that all experiences with someone from the same background will be horrible.
Practice what I call the "safety protocol" with ALL Muslim Gentleman who show an interest in marriage with you. Know what your criteria and expectations are. Have your protection through an agreement, or Nickah contract already figured out. Have a safety net for yourself, whether it be a social network of sisters, or money in your own bank account set aside, so that if the man ends up being what he pretended to be, you will be OK. Such men can be found from all cultures, all ethnicity, and all religions. If a man expresses interest in you, and he convinces you that he intends to provide for you, cherish you, and protect you...and he agrees to your terms and conditions in your part of the marriage agreement or the Nickah contract... then you have reduced the risk as much as possible that you wont be physically or financially abused. If you have taken sometime to get to know his personality, and he seems nice...and then he starts to abuse you emotionally and/or call you horrible names, or otherwise is impossible toward you, then you have your social network to fall back on for advice. But don't go into the marriage thinking that he will change his personality. One mistake that is made by western women when they marry a man from a different culture is that they assume or imagine what this man expects from them...it is better to ask him upfront before talks of marriage go further... traditional means a lot of different things to different people... really find out what kind of lifestyle he honestly wants, and see if you are happy with his hopes and desires. For example, if he wants a wife who will stay home and not work... and you are a professional who does not want to leave your career... then you have to decide if this marriage can work for you. Ask him. It's that simple. If, after you marry, you find out that he has lied... then shame on him. Allah is all watchful. But if you have the preferred an agreed arrangement written down in a document that can be modified shoudl the two of you agree to modify...then you decrease the probability of such disasters from occurring.
As for your sister in Islam, this is indeed a sad story. Yet, just like the many women who loose their husbands to death, or peole who loose everything they have to a hurricane...etc... we have to surround her with community and support and help her restore her ability to live a quality life and prevent her from poverty while bringing friendship and comfort into her life. This would be a good expression of Islam that can be made manifest by the loving sisters in her community. We are encouraged to hold each other up. Leave the scoundrels to Allah... Allah knows what is just, and justice will be done in His time. We must trust this.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
saadia
- Pakistan
Profession
doctor
Question
How one can gain self conscious, avoid anxiety or fear of uncertainty??
Answer
ASsalam Alaykum Saadia,
Actually, self consciousness is the cause of anxiety and fear. It is in being overly aware of the self and worrying about what others might be thinking about us that makes us anxious. It is the worry about how situations might affect our security that causes fear. Overcoming self consciousness is achieved by the degree that one is able to tune into how they respond to their environment, as well as tunes into Allah and become God Conscious. A beginning step in this direction is to ask your self how others are feeling, what others need...and how you can help them... this way, you are no longer focused on the self... and you can relax more.
Tell me what you are feeling anxious and fearful about, and we can talk about relieving those anxieties and fears in a more practical way.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
H.
-
Profession
Question
With the increase of far right I find my self esteem in dealing with non/Muslims has declined. How can I be proud and confident in facing potential homophobic non/Muslims?
Answer
Assalam Alaykum H.,
Confidence comes from having a relationship with Allah. Those people who are homophobic are really a minority. They are just very noisy and obnoxious. They are often rude, and obviously ignorant. Have pity on them. they must have no confidence in themselves, and nothing to be proud of, if they are using the act of putting down a whole group of people just to feel better about themselves. Knowing that they are disturbed, uneducated, and ignorant will help you to have compassion for them, even pray for them, but also to ignore their nonsense.
Go to your community Masjed often and "hang out" with practicing Muslimas. Shift your focus to your own Islam, and Practice. This alone will increase your own confidence and you will feel healthy pride.
now, about self-esteem. I realize there are a lot of self help books out there that teach everyone how to increase their self-esteem, and push the assumption that this self-esteem will make you happy. However, I sincerely suggest that you trade the goal of achieving self esteem for God realization. You wont need self esteem, when you realize something much larger than the little "ego" self. When you come to understated your soul..and your connection to Allah, you will naturally have command over this little self and this little self will feel safe and might even stop fighting you for esteem. Esteem Allah, and allow Allah to nourish your soul. This is done by practicing submission to the will of Allah. I believe you stand a better chance of experiencing happiness and contentment if you make this shift in your thinking.
Let me know what you think and how you feel about this.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Emma
- Morocco
Profession
Question
Salaams, Two mature individuals who want to get married are just talking over the phone or internet to get to know themselves better, they are in different countries with different culture and background. During the conversation, occasionally they tell about their feelings, fears and future. Feelings as I really like you etc...... and their have shared pics, her with the head cover. are they allowed to see these pictures all the times, or just the three times before deciding to marry or not. They have both decided to get married soon. is looking at the pics and talking over the phone not recommended.
Answer
Assalam Alaykum Sister Emma,
This is an excellent question. I am not a scholar, but would like to know what the scholar's fatwas on this is. Please writ in to our esteemed scholars if you can.
As a sister and psychologist, I would say that each individual is different. If they have thoroughly communicated to each other their needs, and have also agreed on financial and practical issues, as well as family issues...and have nearly a contract agreed upon, then it might very well succeed. A lot of time, mature individuals have trust issues. They don't trust each other because of past experiences with divorce. Agreeing on the contract, and marrying soon can actually increase trust and encourage both individuals to sick with the marriage. The problem with waiting too long, is that when the subconscious fears turn into an episode...then each will judge the situation negatively and decrease the chance that they will marry. This is a sad loss. In a second marriage, both parties will be working though all their fears...and the marriage can actually serve as a healing vehicle asa the couple commits to go through the process, work through conflict and support each other in the process by acknowledging that these things happen. And they will, but the end result of traveling this journey togehter and healing these wounds by increasing trust and intimacy as each gets to know each other better is priceless.
With that, I would say that if both parties have truly taken all the precautions, and agreed on a marriage agreemnt and Nickah contract, that there really isn't any risk. SO, why not? Just make sure you do the homework, and don't jump into a situation without backup if it doesn't work out, and make sure you have a marriage or Nickah contract that you both agree on.
Read my article on "Marrying Mature"...all of the issues that i mention in this two part article, should be addressed before marriage. You can find it by putting that in the search engine on the home page of IslamOnline.net. Or, google Dr. Maryam Bachmeier; or you can find the "address" to the article on my website at docbachmeier.net, under the "Articles, Blogs, and Books" section.
Breathe...
Keep me posted.
Salam,
Maryam
Name
hagar
- India
Profession
student
Question
asalam
i am a 22 year old gal....... i am in deep trouble.. am in i am facing the following problem from e past 2 months..... i am a pious Muslim gal who tries not missing any of e obligatory prayers n follows e religion sincerely...but from the past few days i get bad thoughts about my religion n god n thoughts which i cant dare think of... please Allah save me from this.....n from the past few days i have thoughts which question the existence of my lord..... but i am constantly praying but even if i am praying to my lord i feel that i am just praying for the heck of it as a compulsion n not of my true conscience...... why is this .......... i am in a deep trouble...... i don have any interest in this worldly affairs nor anything ...... please help me may God help u......
Answer
Assalam Alaykum Sister Hagar,
Ramadan is a time of Spiritual Cleansing. It is possible that these doubts have been hiding in your subconscious for some time and they are surfacing now. Allah will help you through this. IF you are quiet, you will hear a whisper in your heart. This whisper is real, and it testifies to the authenticity of Allah. Remember Allah is not only our Lord and Creator, but He is beyond what we can comprehend. It is your rational mind that was created by the Ego for the sake of survival in this Earthly world that is questioning the authenticity of Allah. Although the rational mind has a function, and helps us navigate through the daily affairs of the secular world, it has its limit...and mind itself is limitless...mind itself is and echo of the mind of Allah...and we cannot fathom the eternal, unlimited Mind of Allah, but we can hear Allah's Angels whisper in our heart and listen with our spiritual intelligence. The rational mind is designed to argue...this is how it rationalizes... so, it is not necessarily what we truly believe... it is the program that we use to make judgments about worldly affairs...Allah is beyond this world that He created... If you keep practicing your prayers, keep up the fast, (makeup the days you have lost), and become a sincere seeker all over again, with a non-judgmental mind... you will experience Allah all over again. Don't criticize yourself or fear this experience... that will prevent you from awakening to Allah... once you pass through this test, you will be even more keenly aware and conscious of Allah, in an even deeper way.... This happens to most of us..it is natural to want to make something that is very abstract, that we depend upon for our very survival, make logical sense...and this is the human mind's way of putting that together... and each time you go through that, you end up with a more sophisticated concept of Allah. We little humans need to have our concepts of Allah, even while recognizing that our concepts are limited and cannot even come close to fathoming the eternal limitless of Allah... as our concepts hep us feel grounded and they help us navigate through our religious and spiritual experiences... so, hang in there, Allah is working with you... Once this process is complete, you will likely not only have less interest in worldly affairs as you mentioned, but the ego that helps you navigate through worldly affairs will calm down and feel safe and be better able to serve you and Allah, instead of frantically controlling you... for most of us, this is a necessary process....keep reading your Quran, keep up your prays, fast.... one day at a time. And change your environment for a day or so...go visit a non-judgmental, non-controlling, spirit filled and inspired sister...just hang out with her if you can...
Please keep me posted and tell me how things are going for you.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
Afaq
- Pakistan
Profession
Medical Student
Question
As-salam-u-Alikum.
Q. Do our religious beliefs affect our worldly dealings???
For example if one comes across mishap (one's father dies or one suffer from massive business loss etc.) and he believes that this mishap is due to him as he did not use to offer salah.
A scholar on this site that it do affect. but if it is true then all the non-Muslims should suffer loss and Muslims should be on top.
Jazakallah.
Answer
Wa Alaykum ASsalam Afaq,
For me, this is an existential question. It is not a matter of competition. It is not a matter of one group of people being on top. Allah is deeper than that. Islam is deeper than that. Focus on learning AND experiencing Islam, and your understanding will increase.
Salaam,
Maryam
Name
saadia
- Pakistan
Profession
doctor
Question
sorry for writing in again one more thing how to overcome the unrealistic thoughts of people and self that are actually not true but people pretend and implement their thoughts which makes one weak as one is right but can't prove oneself, like if one is engaged and the girl some thing does the people asume that now she is doing this or that because she wants to get marrid please help I'll be thankful.
Answer
ASsalamu Alaykum Saadia,
The secret is in shifting the focus. If you are seriously considering marriage, then get to know the future spouse. See if she meets your expectations for yourself. Don't worry about what other people think. This will only confuse you. You have an instinct that will alert you to danger signs... and check those out. If someone is concerned, then listen, and decide for yourself if you feel those concerns are valid or not. If they seem valid, then follow up on them and check them out. If not, leave it alone, and let others think what they want. The way to overcome having unrealistic thoughts of people is to be open to learning who they are and letting them be who they are. Then you decide if you want to continue having a relationship with them based on your own morals, ethics, and beliefs about what is healthy and what is not healthy for you.
If one is considering marriage to a young woman, then he would want to feel safe that she wants marriage, and wants to be a good wife. If she wants to be his wife... and he is convinced...and he wants her, then he should go for it! Still, it isn't healthy to have unrealistic expectations. Realize that marriage has built into it, conflicts. Yes, we are striving for harmony...still, marriage isn't the place where these conflicts, if worked though in a realistic and healthy manner, actually bring a couple to a more realistic and authentic intimacy, and thus real harmony is created... it is work..and so is life.. but it is worth it.
