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Answer
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Name
Zara
- Pakistan
Profession
student
Question
Slam Dr.!
First of all so many thanks for running session on such an important topic, My question firstly is regarding the childhood abuse, is there some physical effect on the girl who has been abused sexually at her childhood? because for the emotional effect, I know that yes there is an ever lasting effect on girl’s mind, because I myself have been a victim of this. But for physical m not sure as if I m same like those who are virgins, or my hymen would have been broken? or is there any other change in the appearance of my organ. I don’t remember very much about what used to happen with me, but I think I never bled at that time. but still if I would be different from those girls of my age who are "safe", this situation will be some what more depressing and embarrassing for me. Also some time I feel as if I m more inclined towards the sex then the other girls and got indulged in masturbation also sometimes, I feel so much craving at times that I don’t know how to handle with that, I have heard that girl once “touched” develops addiction for the sex, is it true for my case also? My child hood abuse lasted for some 3 to 4 years I guess or may be more as I was very much young when it started (just 6 years old), but there was a long interval in between when I have been raped, not insertion but orally(even worse then insertion) this rape has a veryyyyyy strong effect on my mind. I cant do anything properly, and it had highlighted my emotions that were suppressed in so many years again. Now some times I feel my self to be getting mad. I cannot take part actively in any activity now, I m having flash backs of that time in my mind mostly. I cannot study well, I can not face my family, relatives as they know about the rape that happened later. I feel myself to be a thief, and tough I never feel jealous of anyone but now it seems that I m jealous from the other girls, who are living a normal life, I can not think of marrying some one, if some one says me to marry that particular guy, I always feel so much guilt because I think now I m not worth any good person. And so many other destroying feelings.
Dr., please suggest me some steps, dietary as well as others to get rid of my mental state.
I will be fully thankful for your answer.
Jazakillahu kheyr!!
Answer
Dear Sister,
What you have suffered is a great burden to bear and you are very strong to be able to talk about it & ask for help. For obvious reasons, many people who suffer or suffered from abuse find it easier to deny it or say "it was not so bad". Your memories and honesty are going to be a key part of your healing.
However, remember that what you are healing from is what someone has done to you, and not anything you have done to yourself. You mention things like "I cannot face my family" or "I feel guilty" and "I think now I am not worth..." These are all typical statements of someone who has been abused and they are also the kind of statements that make you vulnerable to future abuse.
Anyone who has been abused should always remember the rule: "Each person has free will that Allah gave them. This is what makes us different from the animals, angels and plants on the earth - free will. And each person decides how to use that free will. Each person who performs an action does so entirely from their OWN free will and not BECAUSE of anyone else's will, actions, ideas, personality, situation or appearance."
The people who abused you had a choice - they could be decent or they could do something wrong. They chose to do something wrong. There is absolutely no excuse or reason for their behavior. This is why, for instance, there is a law against "statutory rape" in some countries. This law states that if someone older than a certain age (here it is 17) has sex with a person of that age or younger, it is rape, EVEN IF THE PERSON WAS CONSENTING TO THE ACT.
This highlights very clearly who is responsible in these cases - it shows that even if a "child" said "yes" that it is still not right and that the responsible party should recognize this and resist. The responsible party should be able to decide for themselves that what they are doing is wrong NO MATTER WHAT THE OTHER PARTY DOES.
What I am trying to emphasize is that none of this is your fault. The first steps to healing are realizing this and eliminating the words "guilt", "I am not worth" and "I can't face..." from your mind. You ARE worth a lot - perhaps more than some because you have already suffered and overcome much in life. This will make you a better spouse. A lot of people go into marriage without any challenges behind them. When their marriage becomes their first challenge it can collapse or be very difficult. You already have experience in managing adversity and working through conflict and pain, this is an asset in any relationship. I would be happy to have a relationship with someone who had these skills.
You are not guilty. The other person is guilty. You are guilt-free.
You CAN face everyone and anyone because you want to hold your head high and let people know that YOU KNOW you are not guilty and you know you are worth a lot.
As for your physical state, this would best be answered by a doctor and can be explored in a simple, private physical exam. You should insist on having a good friend or nurse present during the exam so you do not have flashbacks or fears related to past experiences. In most doctor's offices it is now standard procedure to have a second person present during the exam. If you do not wish to highlight the reasons for your exam, you can simply make an appointment for a "pap smear" and yearly pelvic examination. In the USA these are done yearly and there is a lot of medical evidence that suggests such yearly screening is a good early detection measure for some kinds of cancer. You can ask additional questions after or during the exam. Most women who go in for pelvic exams also bring all their "questions" with them. This is also common. All women have questions of this kind they don't know who to ask. The gynecologist expects some of these questions when you come in for the exam.
You asked about craving and desire in children who have been abused. Yes, this often happens. When the sexuality of a child is opened too early, the controls and balance that is supposed to develop at the same time as the sexual awareness is developing do not have time to develop. In a slow sexual awakening, the child and young adult experience questions, feelings and experiences at the same time they are experiencing and learning about what is "right" and "wrong" or who they are and what their relation is to the world around them and much more. You will also develop these understandings, but most likely later and in a different way. Some of your learning may simply be via the consequences of your actions. Look at some of your actions now. Do you like where they are taking you? Do you like what they do to you? Make a decision to do things that uplift you, make you a better person and add to your worth , beauty and wisdom. If you are making decisions that cause your self-esteem damage, then you may be setting yourself up for future abuse in any form (it could come as emotional abuse, sexual abuse or physical abuse). You may even be experiencing abuse at this time.
Do you have young men your age wanting to take advantage of your desires? Do you have relatives or friends emotionally abusing you by telling you that you are "not good enough"? Is anyone or has anyone hit or slapped you?
Abuse comes in many forms. I just want to make sure you protect yourself from all forms of abuse, and not focus so much on the topic of sexual abuse that you end up healing that but ending up in another abusive situation.
I wish I had time to write pages of encouragement and more ideas and help. However, the session is short. Insha'Allah this will be helpful.
Name
Anonymous
- South Africa
Profession
Administrator
Question
I am now an adult male, but I was abused by an older friend at the age 6. Many other unpleasant things have happened in my life. I had a feeling that God was persecuting me, and was unhappy with me.
I found it difficult to reconcile God's mercy Subhan-Allah with what has happened to me. All these traumatic events have also led me to become full of anxiety.
I am now healing after so many years, and I am beginning to develope an answer and philosophy regarding this matter. Please give me your take on the reconciliation quest I was always searching for. I am sure perhaps others who finds themselves in this situation might also benefit from your answer. Shukran
Answer
I am sorry for the pain you have suffered. There is indeed much pain and suffering in the world, and this question of reconciliation is one that we often find ourselves faced with.
The most successful reconciliations I have encountered involve people who are able to accept who they are in the moment and then accept, with logic, that they can only be who they are at that moment because of what they experienced in the past.
Life has mysterious ways, and some of these mysteries are revealed to us while others are not. In some cases one's experiences enable them to help others, and in that way, they can see the wisdom. In other cases, the immediate wisdom is not as obvious.
For those that have been able to find the wisdom in their suffering or accept and love who they are now, this method is often a simple transition from one way of thinking to another.
It becomes more complicated if the person does not like who they are at the present moment in time. However, keep in mind you don't need to like all things about yourself to love yourself. Love, for yourself and for others is about accepting the entire package and realizing the beauty in the good cannot be extracted from the less desirable parts. They often come in pairs. To give a simple example, a person who is often very late may annoy people with their late arrivals, but they may also be a very accepting person when other people need to be late or change plans and they may be very "laid back" and pleasant in general.
Often people who have been abused and recovered can develop a deep compassion for others. This is a gift that not everyone has to that degree and could be seen as one positive side to the negative memories and effects of the events.
If you do not feel that you are at the point where you can love yourself for who you are now, you can do what a lot of people in your situation do - they work for a change.
What are the things you want to change in the now? Since you can't change the past what things NOW would you like to change in yourself? Find ways you can do that and work towards those goals. It could be controlling a temper, losing weight, getting a better job, helping people more, praying more - anything.
Another thing you can do is to reach out and help others with your experience. Often people reconcile their own situation through helping others. Through this process of helping others they learn to love themselves, to feel less alone and to to feel that their suffering can be used for a greater good. You can see this happening every day - parents who start scholarship funds for children who have passed away, counselors who were abused as children who counsel abused children, someone who's friend was killed by a drunk driver who travels around the country giving speeches about the dangers of driving while drunk, etc...
We all have the power to transform our situations. Most people find that when they tap into that power that amazing things come from it. Many often say later, "I cannot say I am happy (that event) happened to me but I CAN say that these amazing things would never have been accomplished without it."
Name
Mohammad
- India
Profession
Executive
Question
How can a person avoid surfing sexual content? it is very difficult to refrain from clicking any content that causes sexual arousement.
Answer
You are right, it is difficult to avoid. Even if you don't click, pictures of scantily clad women and men have become almost common on the Internet. I have even seen such pictures come up in my mail account. The ads are for diet pills, but the bikini-clad female pictures were disturbing to my child who saw them over my shoulder.
And this is just the "mainstream" Internet. If, however, you visit, or have visited, sites that contain adult content, your computer will be forever "tagged" and you will most likely start to receive many e-mails inviting you to see more, you will see an increased number of pop-ups on the topic and some sites may even download desktop items to your computer or insert tracking cookies into your computer that will cause more ads of this sort to appear. This can happen even if you accidentally go to a site or even if you type in a search term at Google that Google interprets in the wrong way.
The bottom line is - it is not easy to avoid to begin with, and the people who run the Internet sites don't make it any easier to avoid. Everything is designed so that you see MORE.
For this reason, you do have to make a great effort to escape from the images. Here are some tips:
1. Start by having your computer cleaned - all systems. Take out the tracking cookies that are there, erase the history, eliminate temporary files and all files you don't need and clean all systems. You may want to have a professional do this.
2. Switch e-mail providers - if your e-mail server consistently has inappropriate pictures you might want to change to something like Gmail or Incredimail (which can be viewed offline).
3. Choose the sites you visit according to their rating. Some websites attract cookies and advertising and links that click through to these images. Once you find a site like this you can enter it into your Internet "preferences" as a BLOCKED site. You can block any site from your computer so you won't accidentally stumble upon it again.
4. There are programmes you can purchase that will help filter sexual content from the computer. Check online for "Parental Controls" for computers. Most of these programs help you create a safe environment online for your children. This same environment can also be pleasant for most adults.
5. Minimize your online time.
6. If you still find yourself clicking and surfing, then every time you find your self reaching to click, get up from your chair, walk around the house, decide what you need to do next and get back to work - doing a project, writing to a friend or whatever else you need to do online.
7. If you have been using the Internet for surfing them try to break the habit by finding better ways to use the Internet. Write some friends or relatives, upload some family photos to share, read the newspaper, read some articles at Islamonline, etc...
Insha-Allah this is helpful.
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