You know, when I saw this idea 'Anger in the Family', I wondered what it was going to tell me to do. Is it going to tell me to ignore the pain of rejection my children feel and the fear of going back to school? Or is it going to tell me, be a good Muslim, Muslims don't get angry.
We've used up all we have in the outside world. By the time we get home, we have nothing left for each other. So, what are you going to tell me now? What can you do to help me,a mother like many Muslim mothers facing this problem? How can I help my family?
Answer
Dear sister,
What you are describing is unfortunately growing very common in our communities. We leave the safety of our homes to join the outside world only to return home feeling depleted and resourceless. A lot of this is the result of living in capitalist societies in which the economic benefit supersedes the benefit of the particular individual. However, for Muslims, in addition, there is the whole piece about discrimination and prejudice.
I cannot humanly tell you to ignore their pain or to tell you not to get angry. It is very difficult for us to see our children suffering and to feel helpless! It is that desperate helplessness that naturally leads to anger.
If you feel that there is anger brewing within your family and that you all return home resourceless, then I encourage you to join for breakfast every morning and recite a duaa before they leave so that your family can get an emotional/spiritual fill before they go out into the world.
You may also want to pray fajr every morning together and read some du`aas afterwards. This connectedness will help each of you cope better with the challenges that you face; furthermore, it will emphasize the true priority, which is your family. When all return from their outside engagements, joining in dinner together is a good way to de-escalate from the negative charges that each has absorbed outside of your home.
I realize that you are very ambitious in your care and efforts towards your family. I encourage you to sit with your family to discuss the type of home atmosphere that you want. Bring up ideas and see how they like them. Especially in the case of children building them up from the inside out is the best way to help them. We cannot create perfect worlds for our children; however, we can work towards strengthening them and building their resiliency so that that they are not fragile to their negative experiences.
Depending on the severity of your situation, you may want to involve their school in the issues or get them in some therapy to help them learn to work through and cope with their anxiety and resentment. I truly believe that your connection with them can be more powerful than therapy.
I pray that Allah guide you in your honest efforts to better your family.
Name
Zain Ulabdeen
-
Profession
Student
Question
As salamu `alaykum.
My parents did not pray at all, but recently they started to pray. Should they make up the salat (prayers) they missed for the past 30 years? If so is it obligatory and if so how? Please explain in detail
Answer
Congratulations on your parents resuming their prayers. Unfortunatly, this question is better directed towards someone in the field of Islamic fiqh. For now, here are some links that may help you:
As salamu `alaykum, I would like you to give me the way to stand up to the difficulties of life. I try to do my best in order to be a good Muslim, but alone I feel that it is difficult. Can you advise me?
Wa Jazakum Allah
Answer
Wa `alaykum wa salam dear sister,
Your inquiry is very vague. Nonetheless, there are some good things to keep in mind. Firstly, breathe! Do not rush into decisions or answers when you are under stress. Breathe, pray Istikhara, relax, and then make decisions. Don't forget to do du`aa for Allah to help you cope better.
I wish that I could provide you with more specific help; however, I cannot address such a vague inquiry in one day alone!
May Allah guide you through your difficulties.
Name
amina
- Algeria
Profession
Question
Dear Scholar,
I am writing to ask for your kind opinion.
My brother, who is 37, is due to marry next month `in sha'allah. However, his proposed wedding has become a source of sadness for my family. My brother asked for the hand of his future wife from her father alone. He refused to make it up with my father or any other member of the family. In addition, he limits the celebrations of his proposed wedding to the reading of the Fatiha at the mosque in the presence of the bride’s father and a relative of his and of my father and two uncles. After that, he refuses that a walima be prepared. He just wants to take his wife to his home.
Please note that there is no conflict between my brother and us. In addition, we have absolutely no intention of organizing a big party or a big walima. After the Fatiha is read, we just intended to prepare a lunch in the presence of both parents, sisters and brothers, and one or two uncles and ants from each side, to celebrate the event.
On the basis of the above, can you please tell me if my brother, as a Muslim, practicing his religion, is right in his attitude ? Is it right that he asks the hand of his future wife alone, without being accompanied by his family ? Is it right that he refuses the Walima ? Is it right that we are excluded from all this ? It is difficult for me to imagine that he will come and visit us with his wife after the “wedding” although he knows how much we have been hurt.
Whatever are the reasons for his attitude, is it right for a Muslim to behave like this ? Where do we end the limits of the Sunnah and where do start the limits of tradition ? If his attitude is compliant with the spirit of Islam, I will accept it, but does it ? My parents are deeply sad and broken.
Thank you for any help you will provide me with.
Amina.
Answer
Dear sister Amina,
I am sorry to hear about your frustrations. It sounds like you and your family care very much about your brother and simply want to participate in his joyful marriage. It is part of Sunnah to make a walima celebration, though I could not tell you if that is against Islamic guidlines if he does not. I think that you would be better aided by a fiqh scholar who could guide you on the "rules" of such matters.
What I can leave you with is that even if you do not have an opporutnity to celebrate publicaly for your brother, you may want to have a dinner after the marriage, which is acceptable. Even if you invite your new sister in law to you home in the presence of other kind women, this is a form of celebration for you.
How can we detect the person who lies? Because it is too difficult to trust on someone. And there are some people who say that female and male characters should match, but characters do not show behaviors or AKHLAQ so should we focus on akhlaq or characters?
Answer
Dear D,
Firstly, I don't believe that there is ever a fool proof way to detect whether a person lies or not! Instead of trying to go inside of them and figure out if they are truth telling, look inside of yourself and check in with how your instincts and your gut feel about it.
You are finding it very difficult to trust someone, but I urge you to learn to trust yourself (your instincts) and trustworthy people around you. In evaluating a prospective spouse, use resources to try to learn as much as you can about a prospective spouse. Interview people that know this person, and have your people interview this person and ask for their observations and comments.
As for compatibility between male/female characteristics, studies have shown that couples are most compatible when their values (religion, family values, morals, etc) are similar and when their personalities are different. I ask you to take this with great caution because you really don't need to approach prospective marriage from such a calculated and mathematical angle! Ask your heart and your instinct what it thinks and how it feels. Allow your wisdom to guide you.
I pray that Allah helps you calm your restless heart and mind that Allah guides your towards the spouse that is best for you.
Name
r
-
Profession
Question
As salamu `alaykum,
I am a mother of 2 boys, 4 & 7, I have chronic health problems and sometimes fly into rages at mistakes my kids make and a few times I have hit them. I try very hard to not to get into this cycle and would greatly benfit from your counsel.
Answer
Dear sister,
I commend you on your courage to reach out for help. Your children are the young ages of 4 and 7 and they are bound to make millions more mistakes before they grow into mature adults. The sad thing is that humans are conditioned to learn, and what is learned from your hitting them for making a mistake is that mistakes are not okay to make! Children who learn that it is not okay to make mistakes often become obsessive perfectionist adults or grow paralyzed with anxiety over making mistakes. Either scenario is not favorable!
You have chronic health problems and that surely challenges your patience. Sometimes parents with chronic health conditions hit their children for mistakes more than other parents because of an inner fear that they are going to die and they want to prepare their children for the world without their parent. Do you realize how in such a scenario, the child's actions are not as important in the decision to hit them as the parent's anxiety about leaving them!
This cycle that you experience needs to be broken up before it starts! I commonly share with parents about something I call our internal thermos. Imagine that inside of you there is a thermos of nice cold water, these are your resources. Your children will naturally come to your thermos for a fill of water (resources/help) and if your thermos has water, they will get some. The difficulty is that the thermos does not fill itself spontaneously; you need to take the time to fill it. Ways that you can fill your thermos is by taking time for yourself, praying, involving in hobbies that you enjoy, spending time with friends, and other emotionally filling practices.
Your thermos is opaque and your children have no way of knowing at any given moment when they press the button whether or not they will get water and how much. Sometimes when mothers have depleted and they are too exhausted or confused to get a fill, they do not tell their children that the water is almost done. The child approaches the thermos, presses the button and they take the last drop. The second child comes and tries to get a drop except the thermos explodes on him (that is your anger!!). Illness and different factors like life stress, and marriage problems also take from our thermos. It is not our children’s' responsibly to know and regulate how much water we have in our thermos', it is our work. Furthermore, when we are depleted, we should share this information with them by saying that we need a few minutes alone and going out to get some fresh air even if right out side your door. Preventing these rages requires you to be gentle on yourself and learn to keep your water level high enough so that you can have resources for your children and when you don't have enough for them, so you can get an emotional fill.
I hope that this has been helpful for you and I pray that Allah heal your physical and emotional struggles.
Name
R
- United States
Profession
Question
I have been married for less then a year now. I love my husband very much and I believe he loves me too. The problem is that he gets annoyed and upset very easily for any and no reason at all. And when he feels that way he becomes silent and either denies there is a problem or informs me that if I do not know what the problem is he will not tell me.
He not only becomes silent but he ignores me. When I try to talk to him, he answers me in the vaguest way possible. One cannot carry out a conversation with him. This continues for days. It is only after I apologize and try to get close to him over and over again, that he stops ignoring me.
I am never upset at him for whatever he does because it always turns against me.
I cannot live like this. I cannot be ignored for days for stupid reasons. It is like living with a stranger. However, even with a stranger you will have more interaction. I do not know what to do. I tried talking to him about it but he denies the existence of a problem. I hate living like this. I have trouble sleeping, and I am starting to lose my nerves easily with others.
Please help me solve this situation and any future situations that may occur.
Answer
Dear sister R,
I am sorry to see you in so much pain. What you are experiencing is a form of emotional abuse. It is against the sunnah to not extend greetings to a brother/sister in islam for more than 3 days!
Often times grown adults have similar conflicts as do 2-3 year olds who expect you to just "know" what is wrong with them! When a toddler exhibits such behavior, they are not pampered endlessly and given everything they dream of in hopes that one of those things was the thing they wanted. Instead, they are taught to "use their words". They are told that if they do not say, then no one will know!
Your marriage ought to be a partnership and I doubt that you signed the marriage contact agreeing to be a mind reader and scapegoat for all his worries.
Sister, your marriage needs help. You continue as you are doing; however, your emotional and physical health will likely start to struggle. This is not healthy behavior. I encourage you to talk with him about marriage counseling and if he refuses, emphasize its importance to you.
In the meantime, if you are upset with him, let him know, even if you know he will turn it on you! Silencing your pain will only hurt you more. Talk to him in a descriptive way, instead of an accusatory way. Instead of saying, “you did such and such", say "when you did such and such, it made me feel....". It is easier to get mad at others when they tell us that what we do is wrong, but when they share the impact of our behaviors on their feelings it is a lot harder to get upset with them. Remember that you own your feelings and they are your truth.
Also, if you know he is going to ignore you, you may want to announce at the beginning of the ignoring episode that "I know you are upset with me and I don't want to bother you and rush you into feeling better about what has upset you, so I want you to know that I love you and when you are ready to talk about it, come to me and my arms will be ready for you". This way you are not continuously putting yourself in the line of rejection, instead you are paving a path of love in a non-vengeful way and allowing him to take responsibility for his emotions and behaviors.
I hope that this helps you. May Allah help you and your husband to grow closer from this experience.
Name
J
- United States
Profession
Question
I have concerns about my father. I am a Muslim from birth, however we are living in a non-Muslim society. My father is a kind, generous man and a good father. I can only say may Allah forgive him for his illiteracy concerning Islam and his duties.
I am married with children now. I thank Allah that I married a man close to Islam and who helped me to get closer.
Concerning my father, I worry about him. He is truly a good man and it makes me sad to see him not pray. He is an uneducated man and has no literacy about Islam.
Answer
Dear sister J,
It seems that you are really torn up over your father's lack of of connectedness with Islam. If you and your husband and children could keep a good relationship with him and also help him connect with other Muslim men his age at the local mosque he will likely benefit.
You may want to go with him to local events were there are other community elders that are gentle and kind and enourage him to participate with them. You may also want to invite kind elders for dinner in his presence. What is more important for you father is to have the connectedness to a community of Muslims that he can affect and be affected by.
I pray that Allah helps you and your father.
Name
ahmed
-
Profession
Question
If somebody makes a dirty plan to destroy us , can we pray against him to give him a lesson and to make him good?
Answer
Brother Ahmed,
If you feel that you want to make du`aa for someone, you can surely pray that Allah makes them good. You can also pray that Allah gives him a lesson, and if he deserves it Allah may give him that lesson. What is usually most beneficial is that you focus on taking care of you iman and your needs. Talk to friends and family and get emotional support.
I pray that Allah protects you against individuals that want to hurt you.
Name
Mariam
- Others
Profession
Question
My husband and I got married about 1 and a half years ago. Three months after the wedding he left and said that our arguments were too much. Both of our families never wanted us to get married anyway, so they are not helping, only making things worse.
After six months he wanted a divore. He says that our fighting is too much for him, but I do not think that it is so bad that we have to get a divorce. I have waited patiently all of this time. Since he has been back, almost one year ago, I have said that I will not be a part of the divorce process because I do not think our marriage should be over.
We have gone to an Islamic counselor, we talked for many months now, and he still says the same thing. Should I just accept it and do nothing? I know there is nothing I can tell him that seems to help. I am very upset and in alot of anguish over this. I do not know why all of my praying for the last year has still left me so weak and upset.
Answer
Dear sister,
I am so sorry for you pain. it seems that he is dead-set on getting that divorce! Against all of your good efforts put forward through counseling and seperation and he is insistant!
You ask "should I just accept it and do nothing?". I think that you have already done many things in this last year since he has been back. I think it is reasonable for you to feel your confused feelings because he is wanting a divorce for a specific reason "fighting is too much for him", yet efforts to work on this have not successfully curbed his desire for a divorce! It really seems like he is going to want a divorce no matter what!
I don't think that your praying for the last year has left you weak and upset.I think it is his lack of initiative and the lack of effectivness of your efforts towards betterment in changing his mind about wanting divorce that have left you weak and upset.
Part of your anguish is likely related to loving your husband and wanting to stay with him. Other parts of it are likely related to an overall sense of success in your life and going well even though your parents did not support you.
My dear sister, the worst thing is to be with someone who does not want to be with you! You deserve better than to desperately hold on to something that is not being evenly carried. You cannot save this marriage alone. Your commitments to its betterment are too unequal.
Spend some time thinking about how much longer you are willing to put yourself out. Hope that he joins you. At some point it may benefit you to talk to a woman who has divorced and to ask about the grieving process that occurs to help prepare yourself for something that looks iminent at this point.
I wish that I could provide you with more. I pray that Allah calms your pain and chooses the best for you.
Name
Usman
- Pakistan
Profession
-
Question
As salamu `alaykum
I have been suffering from major depression for the last 7 to 8 months. Though I am pursuing treatment and `insha'Allah I am pretty hopeful that I am going to get out of it soon.
My question is: My family is insisting I get married. They see marriage as a solution to depression. However, I think it would be injustice to the prospective wife. I think I should be mentally stable and take this important decision of my life when I am totally cured. Say after I am recovered `in sha'Allah, is it necessary to tell the wife to be that I had been suffering this mental illness? or can I keep it to myself and disclose it later? Please let me know as I don't want to displease Allah by making a wrong decision.
Jazak Allah
Answer
Dear brother Usman,
Deciding on what to disclose about yourself in the case of marriage is an issue that depends on how you are viewing your depression. Honestly, I do not think of depression as a "mental illness" like schizophrenia and other disorders.
Most people in this world will experience depression to some degree for a certain period of time. You have only been suffering for 8 months and while I am sure that has been terribly difficult, I would not feel comfortable saying that you mentally ill!
There are times in our lives when being depressed is the healthiest outcome to the conditions that we endure! There is likely a cause to your depression that includes emotional issues and possibly disappointment and grief.
Depending on how debilitating your depression is, I think that you should use your discretion to judge whether to get married or share this information with a prospective wife. I do not think that you ought to feel shame whether you do tell or decide that it is personal. Mostly, this is a private matter that concerns you. If you are depressed at the time of marriage and you know that this will impact upon your libido or other life elements, you may want to share that so that you can get the support you need in your healing.
I pray that Allah helps you in your path towards healing and betterment.
Name
a mother
-
Profession
Question
assalamualikum,
This dialogue is so timely for me.
i am having lot of problems in dealing with my anger towars my kids.
i have two toddlers. age two and one.
much i try, but at times, they stress me so much, that i have resort to spanking.
i do have additional
help at home, but still, when i am left to deal with them alone, i am just not able to take in to their demands, tantrums etc.
i am trying so much, in every way i can, to able to control my anger, and bring compassion in my heart..
what do you suggest?
jazakAllah
Answer
Dear sister in Islam,
Thank you for coming forward with your concerns. It takes a lot to admit that we need help. You have one toddler (2) and a baby (1). I am going to tell you about the thermos as I have done with another mother today; however, I will share different aspects as is necessary inshallah.
I commonly share with parents about something I call our internal thermos. Imagine that inside of you there is a thermos of nice cold water, these are your resources (patience). Your children will naturally come to your thermos for a fill of water (resources/help) and if your thermos has water, they will get some. The difficulty is that the thermos does not fill itself spontaneously; you need to take the time to fill it. Ways that you can fill your thermos is by taking time for yourself, praying, involving in hobbies that you enjoy, spending time with friends, and other emotionally filling practices. When you are a mother of two very young children, it is surely harder for you to get a fill and so your thermos likely never completely gets filled, you might actually be working with half a thermos of water on your best day!
This means that you are more likely to get emptied quicker than anther mother. There is no shame in this, there is power knowing it.
Your thermos is opaque and your children have no way of knowing at any given moment when they press the button whether or not they will get water (patience/a good response) and how much. Sometimes when mothers have depleted and they are too exhausted or confused to get a fill, they do not tell their children that the water is almost done. The child approaches the thermos, presses the button and they take the last drop. The second child comes and tries to get a drop except the thermos explodes on him (that is your anger!!). Illness and different factors like life stress, ages and needs of children, and marriage problems also take from our thermos. It is not our children’s' responsibly to know and regulate how much water we have in our thermos', it is our work. Furthermore, when we are depleted, we should share this information with them by saying that we need a few minutes alone and going out to get some fresh air even if right out side your door. Preventing these rages requires you to be gentle on yourself and learn to keep your water level high enough so that you can have resources for your children and when you don't have enough for them, so you can get an emotional fill.
It is because you are an ambitious mother that you are not holding realistic expectations for yourself. Your children throw tantrums and your want to be able to react in patience and kindness every time, except you cannot always be so full as to respond in such a way! You children WILL be okay if you sit each of them gently on a couch and go to the bathroom and wash your face! Also with toddlers, their tantrums cannot be reasonably taken seriously and resolved every time, sometimes we need teach them how to laugh at themselves, so we laugh at their tantrum and share with them how silly it is and show them how it can be easily resolved! It uses up less of your water (resources) if you use your humor to tickle or make a silly face!
Also, when you get the additional help to watch the children, do something that makes you feel good! Don’t feel guilty for leaving them because you are going to get a fill (for them and for you). Don’t just sit around and zone out, take a bath, read quraan, prepare a healthy snack and eat alone, or even spend some time with your husband alone!
A good first step to understanding your thermos is to make a chart. Number it from 1-10. 10 is your best fill and 1 is your most empty. For each number write what it feels like to be at that level and also what behaviors you exhibit towards your children. Sit down with your husband or with a person that you trust to help you and talk about where you would like to be able to prevent the rage from happening. Then decide how you are going to prevent from reaching a level 1 (your most empty and volatile state).
I hope that this has been helpful for you and I pray that Allah helps you.
Name
D
-
Profession
Question
It has become too difficult for me to control my temper, whether at home, with relatives and friends, or at work. Some of my sisters are usually provocative to me for certain reasons and I lose my tempor on them quicly. Not only that, but I am always aggressive and I rush to attack. The same happens at home, work, and with friends and relatives/family members. I don't know what to do?
Answer
Dear D,
The first step in working through you anger is taking responsibility for it. Your sisters do not provoke you; instead you are easily triggered by things that they say! If you blame others in any way for your anger, then your anger can only change when others change and you are left with no control over your life or behavior!
I do not know enough about you to therapeutically help you resolve your angry tendencies. I strongly urge you to seek out a counselor in your area to work through your anger. It is dangerously oppressive that you are not only getting upset and losing your temper but are aggressively attacking others physically as a result of your failed ability to regulate your emotions. Depending on what country you live in, this is a very dangerous situation that can lead to great problems for you. If you are "provoked" enough you could kill one of your sisters in an aggressive rage and with the blood of your sister on your hands, believe me, you anger will not quiet.
Catch this anger before it catches you! Your problem is not other people, it is your anger. It speaks for you, it behaves for you, and it owns you! If I told you that there was a person who wanted to speak for you, behave for you, and own you, you would surely want to destroy and rid your live of him, why not do that to your anger! You deserve to regain your voice and your personality!
I pray that Allah help you in your quest towards improving your self and your life and that He help you mend relationships impacted by anger’s destructive spiral in your life.
Name
Mohd.
- India
Profession
Computer
Question
Hi Brother,
I am currently working in the Middle East and my family was living with me and left for leave. Now, my wife is deciding to obtain a gov't job in my home country, that I do not wish.
Instead I need her with me in order to continue my job and continue my child's education for some time, but my wife insist that this is the last opportunity for her and demands politely I do the job. I am unable to force her to say do not take the job at the same time I feel very lonely here. Please advise.
Thank you.
Answer
Dear brother,
It sounds like you are in a tough situation where the potential good for the family is in conflict with your wife's dreams. There is no easy answer to this dilemma! I think it would be a good idea to continue to share with her how her decision makes you feel and to ask her to help come up with a solution so that all is most content. Discuss different options with each other while your dialogue is still polite. A lot of this depends on the ages of your children, their needs, and their opinion. Involve the family in this talk and you may want to leave open the chance for a trial period where the family tries the separation for 2 months.
I hope that you gain Allah’s guidance and aid.
Name
J
-
Profession
Question
How does one differentiate between a child's lie and his healthy imagination? I have a 5 year old cousin who will sit and tell you unimaginable stories for his age. There is no element of harm in the stories to anyone, except that they are quiet exaggerated. How must an adult act, to differentiate within the child behavior that this is bluff and this is healthy imagination. Not being certain about the thought processes of that individual child. Would it be wrong to allow the person to nature their healthy? imagination or are you letting him be a bluffer?
Answer
Dear J,
It is completely healthy for a 5 year old to tell imaginary stories! Especially since these stories are not dangerous or harmful towards anyone, I think that given his age this is very appropriate. Sometimes you may want to say something like “oh my goodness, that would be very funny if it really happened” or “oh I am so glad that it didn’t happen, it’s fun to pretend”. It is normal that he may say, “no it really happened” because he may not have a concept for what imagination means. In this case, don’t insist either way, instead let him negotiate the meanings of things and ask for clarification if he needs it.
If this grows into a problem at an older age and he insists that it did happen, you can simply put out the question of “I wonder what so and so (someone in the room at the time of the alleged incident) would tell the story”. Even at an older age, lying is never a problem by itself, instead it is a symptom. I strongly urge you never to tell him that he is lying, or that the story he tells is a lie.
Name
Fatima
- France
Profession
Student
Question
As salamu `alaykum/i>
i'm the eldest in my family. I feel that i don't get all the attention therefore I throw tantrums at my mum. My anger reached its highest peak when I broke the door. I tried talking to my mum, but then I fell into a greater argument. I think I'm jealous. My mum favourites are my younger brothers and sisters. Is there any way to control my anger and my jealousy?
Salam
Answer
Dear sister Fatima,
I think it is incredibly intelligent for you to be able to recognize that your tantrums are a result of your needing more attention from your parents.
While it is important to learn to control anger, it is most important that you allow your parents to help you get your needs met. When things are calm and not angry making, go and give your mom a hug and tell her how much you like it when you get to spend time with her. Tell her how you would like to do this and that with her some day.
Fatima, you don't want the same treatment as your younger siblings, you don't have to be jealous of that- they are younger than you! Instead figure out what you would like for yourself and learn to ask for it. One of the most important things that we learn to do in order to be strong and healthy adults is to be brave enough to ask for what we need! You aren't a baby; you don't need to throw tantrums to get noticed. You are intelligent enough to come to Islamonline and address your problem in such an intelligent and articulate way, that I am sure that you would be able to talk to your parents about what they CAN GIVE YOU, instead of what they are not giving you!
You don’t have to be embarrassed about the past. All of us have to learn how to grow up and get some help learning to do that! Talk to your parents about how you want to do things differently and describe to them what kind of a relationship you want to have with them.
Best wishes to you! I pray that Allah will help you successfully journey through life and its many lessons.
